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A funny sort of honesty

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

I realise that this is a subject which comes up again and again on the forums, but after having the same line several times a day for the past few days, I am reminded how much it confuses me.

So many married men on Fab are open about the fact that they are cheating on their wives (and yes, I am aware that this occurs the other way around too - I'm not saying it's only guys who cheat) yet they seem to celebrate their 'honesty' and expect commendation for the fact that they don't lie about being married. It always baffles me that they applaud their own honesty to strangers, yet still continue to lie to the one who should matter to them the most. How is that honesty?

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By *emima_puddlefuckCouple
over a year ago

hexham

It isnt...its cognitive dissonance...or covering up conflicting emotions with rationalizations...tends to lead to mental distress and posting that people shouldnt judge yadda yadda yadda.

"An overarching principle of cognitive dissonance is that it involves the formation of an idea or emotion in conflict with a fundamental element of the self-concept, such as "I am a successful/functional person", "I am a good person", or "I made the right decision." The anxiety that comes with the possibility of having made a bad decision can lead to rationalization, the tendency to create additional reasons or justifications to support one's choices. A person who just spent too much money on a new car might decide that the new vehicle is much less likely to break down than his or her old car. This belief may or may not be true, but it would reduce dissonance and make the person feel better. Dissonance can also lead to confirmation bias, the denial of dis-confirming evidence, and other ego defense mechanisms.

Within this overarching principle, there are two main forms of dissonance: hedonistic dissonance and moral dissonance (Holland, Meertens & Van-Vugt, 2002).

Hedonistic dissonance is elicited when people act in a way which results in negative consequences for themselves. For instance, a person is late for a meeting because of traffic but could have been on time had he taken the subway.

Moral dissonance is aroused when people act in a way that causes negative consequence for others. For instance, cheating and lying."

Wikki yes,but its a term many might not be familar with.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"It isnt...its cognitive dissonance...or covering up conflicting emotions with rationalizations...tends to lead to mental distress and posting that people shouldnt judge yadda yadda yadda.

"An overarching principle of cognitive dissonance is that it involves the formation of an idea or emotion in conflict with a fundamental element of the self-concept, such as "I am a successful/functional person", "I am a good person", or "I made the right decision." The anxiety that comes with the possibility of having made a bad decision can lead to rationalization, the tendency to create additional reasons or justifications to support one's choices. A person who just spent too much money on a new car might decide that the new vehicle is much less likely to break down than his or her old car. This belief may or may not be true, but it would reduce dissonance and make the person feel better. Dissonance can also lead to confirmation bias, the denial of dis-confirming evidence, and other ego defense mechanisms.

Within this overarching principle, there are two main forms of dissonance: hedonistic dissonance and moral dissonance (Holland, Meertens & Van-Vugt, 2002).

Hedonistic dissonance is elicited when people act in a way which results in negative consequences for themselves. For instance, a person is late for a meeting because of traffic but could have been on time had he taken the subway.

Moral dissonance is aroused when people act in a way that causes negative consequence for others. For instance, cheating and lying."

Wikki yes,but its a term many might not be familar with."

bloody hell thankyou professor

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By *emima_puddlefuckCouple
over a year ago

hexham


"It isnt...its ...or covering up conflicting emotions with rationalizations...tends to lead to mental distress and posting that people shouldnt judge yadda yadda yadda.

"An overarching principle of cognitive dissonance is that it involves the formation of an idea or emotion in conflict with a fundamental element of the self-concept, such as "I am a successful/functional person", "I am a good person", or "I made the right decision." The anxiety that comes with the possibility of having made a bad decision can lead to rationalization, the tendency to create additional reasons or justifications to support one's choices. A person who just spent too much money on a new car might decide that the new vehicle is much less likely to break down than his or her old car. This belief may or may not be true, but it would reduce dissonance and make the person feel better. Dissonance can also lead to confirmation bias, the denial of dis-confirming evidence, and other ego defense mechanisms.

Within this overarching principle, there are two main forms of dissonance: hedonistic dissonance and moral dissonance (Holland, Meertens & Van-Vugt, 2002).

Hedonistic dissonance is elicited when people act in a way which results in negative consequences for themselves. For instance, a person is late for a meeting because of traffic but could have been on time had he taken the subway.

Moral dissonance is aroused when people act in a way that causes negative consequence for others. For instance, cheating and lying."

Wikki yes,but its a term many might not be familar with.

bloody hell thankyou professor "

NAw jsut loving my counselling course

We all do it of course,but it is generally subconscious,however,rationalising that you can have the cookie cos you walked to the shop doesnt really harm anyone.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"It isnt...its cognitive dissonance...or covering up conflicting emotions with rationalizations...tends to lead to mental distress and posting that people shouldnt judge yadda yadda yadda.

"An overarching principle of cognitive dissonance is that it involves the formation of an idea or emotion in conflict with a fundamental element of the self-concept, such as "I am a successful/functional person", "I am a good person", or "I made the right decision." The anxiety that comes with the possibility of having made a bad decision can lead to rationalization, the tendency to create additional reasons or justifications to support one's choices. A person who just spent too much money on a new car might decide that the new vehicle is much less likely to break down than his or her old car. This belief may or may not be true, but it would reduce dissonance and make the person feel better. Dissonance can also lead to confirmation bias, the denial of dis-confirming evidence, and other ego defense mechanisms.

Within this overarching principle, there are two main forms of dissonance: hedonistic dissonance and moral dissonance (Holland, Meertens & Van-Vugt, 2002).

Hedonistic dissonance is elicited when people act in a way which results in negative consequences for themselves. For instance, a person is late for a meeting because of traffic but could have been on time had he taken the subway.

Moral dissonance is aroused when people act in a way that causes negative consequence for others. For instance, cheating and lying."

Wikki yes,but its a term many might not be familar with."

Yes, it is moral dissonance. It still isn't honesty, though. Just because people (I'll stop saying men - I am well aware that it isn't just guy) choose to rationalise and defend their actions with seeming honesty doesn't make that honesty real. IMO.

I'm not judging anyone. My own preference is not to meet anyone whom I know to be cheating, but I respect everyone else's right to their own _iew of the matter.

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By *lack_BoltMan
over a year ago

oxford


"It isnt...its cognitive dissonance...or covering up conflicting emotions with rationalizations...tends to lead to mental distress and posting that people shouldnt judge yadda yadda yadda.

"An overarching principle of cognitive dissonance is that it involves the formation of an idea or emotion in conflict with a fundamental element of the self-concept, such as "I am a successful/functional person", "I am a good person", or "I made the right decision." The anxiety that comes with the possibility of having made a bad decision can lead to rationalization, the tendency to create additional reasons or justifications to support one's choices. A person who just spent too much money on a new car might decide that the new vehicle is much less likely to break down than his or her old car. This belief may or may not be true, but it would reduce dissonance and make the person feel better. Dissonance can also lead to confirmation bias, the denial of dis-confirming evidence, and other ego defense mechanisms.

Within this overarching principle, there are two main forms of dissonance: hedonistic dissonance and moral dissonance (Holland, Meertens & Van-Vugt, 2002).

Hedonistic dissonance is elicited when people act in a way which results in negative consequences for themselves. For instance, a person is late for a meeting because of traffic but could have been on time had he taken the subway.

Moral dissonance is aroused when people act in a way that causes negative consequence for others. For instance, cheating and lying."

Wikki yes,but its a term many might not be familar with.

Yes, it is moral dissonance. It still isn't honesty, though. Just because people (I'll stop saying men - I am well aware that it isn't just guy) choose to rationalise and defend their actions with seeming honesty doesn't make that honesty real. IMO.

I'm not judging anyone. My own preference is not to meet anyone whom I know to be cheating, but I respect everyone else's right to their own _iew of the matter. "

Surely context is the key? He/she is being honest to you about their situation, which then allows you to make your own decision?

Ultimately the decision to meet is yours isn't it? Nobody's forcing you?

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By *aughtydesiresCouple
over a year ago

North West


"It isnt...its cognitive dissonance...or covering up conflicting emotions with rationalizations...tends to lead to mental distress and posting that people shouldnt judge yadda yadda yadda.

"An overarching principle of cognitive dissonance is that it involves the formation of an idea or emotion in conflict with a fundamental element of the self-concept, such as "I am a successful/functional person", "I am a good person", or "I made the right decision." The anxiety that comes with the possibility of having made a bad decision can lead to rationalization, the tendency to create additional reasons or justifications to support one's choices. A person who just spent too much money on a new car might decide that the new vehicle is much less likely to break down than his or her old car. This belief may or may not be true, but it would reduce dissonance and make the person feel better. Dissonance can also lead to confirmation bias, the denial of dis-confirming evidence, and other ego defense mechanisms.

Within this overarching principle, there are two main forms of dissonance: hedonistic dissonance and moral dissonance (Holland, Meertens & Van-Vugt, 2002).

Hedonistic dissonance is elicited when people act in a way which results in negative consequences for themselves. For instance, a person is late for a meeting because of traffic but could have been on time had he taken the subway.

Moral dissonance is aroused when people act in a way that causes negative consequence for others. For instance, cheating and lying."

Wikki yes,but its a term many might not be familar with."

As a professional in the field of human psychology I certify those definition as being true Shall a give also the definition of TRUE or what happens when more people assigns the value of true or false to a sentence?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Loads of female profiles on here as well staing that they are married or in a relationship and husband or partner knows nothing about there little extra meets for fun so its not only blokes is it.

It all comes down to personal choice really dont it as no one forces you to mail, reply, or meet them. One could justify it by saying well I am single and dont no either party involved so I am not at fault at all.

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By *yrdwomanWoman
over a year ago

Putting the 'cum' in Eboracum

If they are married/attached and want to play behind their partners back its no skin off my nose. My problem is when they have in their profile that they are attached, then bang on about how important honesty is on this site. Hmmmm, pots and kettles.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"If they are married/attached and want to play behind their partners back its no skin off my nose. My problem is when they have in their profile that they are attached, then bang on about how important honesty is on this site. Hmmmm, pots and kettles."

Good point that lol I am genuinely single but as I cant accom and state I cant on my profile I do have trouble initially when mailing women as they think im married and playing away and that can be a problem at times for me on here

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By *ittle_brat_evie!!Woman
over a year ago

evesham


"Surely context is the key? He/she is being honest to you about their situation, which then allows you to make your own decision?

Ultimately the decision to meet is yours isn't it? Nobody's forcing you?"

i agree with this, their 'honesty' is with the users of this site, they do not comment on their honesty with their partner.

as long as they are honest with me thats all i care about

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By *abioMan
over a year ago

Newcastle and Gateshead

i just find it all ironic.... people should be lauded for there "honesty"...

people "honest" to people they want to get there leg over with...

people being not so "honest" with the one person in the world you would think they would be most "honest" with......

actually have to admit it's not the "honest" bit that winds me up the most.... its the Justifications that people give.... oh woe is me!!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

To each his own I say.

If you dont want to be involved with somebody married, then don't go there.

Simples.

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By *lack_BoltMan
over a year ago

oxford


"i just find it all ironic.... people should be lauded for there "honesty"...

people "honest" to people they want to get there leg over with...

people being not so "honest" with the one person in the world you would think they would be most "honest" with......

actually have to admit it's not the "honest" bit that winds me up the most.... its the Justifications that people give.... oh woe is me!!!!"

Hence my previous comment about context being everything. Human behaviour isn't absolute and therefore the use of "honesty" cannot be absolutely either.

In fact "honesty" with one person, friend or spouse, can vary from one day to the next, and also vary depending on the context. We grade them in order to justify our behaviour and create the 'white lie' in order to excuse them.

I think this is all part of the huge spectrum of human behaviour. Whether it's good or bad is not absolute but depends purely on your personal position.

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By *lack_BoltMan
over a year ago

oxford


"To each his own I say.

If you dont want to be involved with somebody married, then don't go there.

Simples."

Agreed.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Being honest about playing away behind someone's back is, indeed, ironic.

However, I have yet to come across anyone who is 100% honest about everything!

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"i just find it all ironic.... people should be lauded for there "honesty"...

people "honest" to people they want to get there leg over with...

people being not so "honest" with the one person in the world you would think they would be most "honest" with......

actually have to admit it's not the "honest" bit that winds me up the most.... its the Justifications that people give.... oh woe is me!!!!"

My point exactly!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Being honest about playing away behind someone's back is, indeed, ironic.

However, I have yet to come across anyone who is 100% honest about everything!

"

...and outside of a toddler, you never will.

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By *ouple in LancashireCouple
over a year ago

in Lancashire


"To each his own I say.

If you dont want to be involved with somebody married, then don't go there.

Simples.

Agreed.

"

ditto..

to that add all the other different 'criteria' which makes each of us whom we are with our own traits, personality, likes, dislikes and desires.

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By *histler21Man
over a year ago

Ipswich

Are you saying that only married couples/partners can be members of FAB - as they are the only 'true' version of a 'swinger'?

I am one of those play-away-from-home people. There are many reasons why I am here; there are many reasons why I don't want to walk away from my 'family' life.

I wish my home sex life was different - but it isn't (I'm always hopeful things might change).

Do I tell lies? Of course. We all do. Every day. Some big ones. Some small ones.

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By *eaboMan
over a year ago

marden


"i just find it all ironic.... people should be lauded for there "honesty"...

people "honest" to people they want to get there leg over with...

people being not so "honest" with the one person in the world you would think they would be most "honest" with......

actually have to admit it's not the "honest" bit that winds me up the most.... its the Justifications that people give.... oh woe is me!!!!

Hence my previous comment about context being everything. Human behaviour isn't absolute and therefore the use of "honesty" cannot be absolutely either.

In fact "honesty" with one person, friend or spouse, can vary from one day to the next, and also vary depending on the context. We grade them in order to justify our behaviour and create the 'white lie' in order to excuse them.

I think this is all part of the huge spectrum of human behaviour. Whether it's good or bad is not absolute but depends purely on your personal position. "
so by inference everybody's life is a tissue of lies? Be it a small 'white' or a large full bore lies. Surely the suicide rate would be much higher as people realised they could no longer sustain the illusory existence they had fabricated, remembering who you told what, or even just being someone other than what is comfortable and natural to yourself has to be hard work.

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

They do it because they can. Simple as. There are women here who openly play with married men. No recievers = no cheats..... simples again.

Beware the lay psychologist who reads A book or takes A course.

The reasons are manifold and unique to a degree.

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By *rummpsMan
over a year ago

thanet

And what about the married member who’s spouse know exactly what’s going on and who may have even suggested it but for whatever reason doesn’t want to be involved or hear about any of the details?

Is that double standards?

Lots folk are willing to jump to conclusions without knowing the facts. Wars can be started like that.

_rummps x

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By *emima_puddlefuckCouple
over a year ago

hexham


"They do it because they can. Simple as. There are women here who openly play with married men. No recievers = no cheats..... simples again.

Beware the lay psychologist who reads A book or takes A course.

The reasons are manifold and unique to a degree. "

i assure you i have read more than one book,or base my ideas on a single course

most posters have ignored that cognitive dissonance is most harmful to the person desperately struggling to reconcile two conflicting ideas.

Their behavior on here will ultimately lead to harm,the fact this is unconscious and denied doesnt change things. Of course the very existence of the "i am a good person" v "i am a cheat and liar" dissonance means that any trivial discussion of these issues on here is futile.The adulterers have to defend their position in order to defend their self image,if they were willing to be challenged they would be willing to take the more difficult route of therapy/couple counselling/divorce.

We live in a quick fix life style,where pain is to be avoided at all cost,however to be a fully aware human being,the pain can sometimes be unavoidable.

“To spare oneself from grief at all cost can be achieved only at the price of total detachment, which excludes the ability to experience happiness”

Erich Fromm quotes

As for each case being unique...i do not subscribe to the we are all special snowflakes _iew of the world.The tragedy of so many is that their lives are cliched,and the answers are quite obvious,if they were willing to look.

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By *emima_puddlefuckCouple
over a year ago

hexham


"And what about the married member who’s spouse know exactly what’s going on and who may have even suggested it but for whatever reason doesn’t want to be involved or hear about any of the details?

Is that double standards?

Lots folk are willing to jump to conclusions without knowing the facts. Wars can be started like that.

_rummps x

"

Then they are not cheating...if the spouse knows who is being decieved...

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By *arambarMan
over a year ago

swindon

I've always been turned on by intelligence just as much as looks... reading some of the posts in this thread has been very arousing!

POST MORE PLEASE!!!!!

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By *ngieandMrManCouple
over a year ago

hereford

Maybe the trick is to be honest with oneself before making the promise to maintain a monogamous relationship.

It's easy if you have a partner and share a good sex life. It's easy if you have a partner whereby both enjoy swinging.

For many people sex can be something like an addiction. Consider if you will a normal law abiding person who develops a drug addiction, they may become a thief to feed the addiction because their thinking/drives have changed forced by the craving. The brain rationalises, alters priorities to get what it believes it wants/needs.

Without these functions you wouldn't eat, breath etc.

We are programmed to procreate, if we didn't, like without eating and breathing the human race wouldn't exist.

Some people will have greater or lesser self-control where any drives/desires are concerned, hence we have people who drink too much, smoke too much, eat too much etc. and of course those who will break the society imposed standard relationship rules if they don't get sex.

So of course people playing away will by default try and justify what they do, I'm not of course saying that's OK but it is 'natural'.

We don't knowingly play with people playing away but we're not about to hang them for the crime either.

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By *arambarMan
over a year ago

swindon

Expanding on the 'it's natural' aspect of the previous post... after all, we're descended from apes and fish and amoeba,

Are animals monogamous or is this a trait only displayed in humans?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Expanding on the 'it's natural' aspect of the previous post... after all, we're descended from apes and fish and amoeba,

Are animals monogamous or is this a trait only displayed in humans?"

plenty of animals are monogamous, however there sex lives are based on procreation

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Being honest about playing away behind someone's back is, indeed, ironic.

However, I have yet to come across anyone who is 100% honest about everything!

...and outside of a toddler, you never will. "

toddlers learn deception easily, deceiving parents to get what they want is a vital step in development of being assertive

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By *emima_puddlefuckCouple
over a year ago

hexham


"Expanding on the 'it's natural' aspect of the previous post... after all, we're descended from apes and fish and amoeba,

Are animals monogamous or is this a trait only displayed in humans?"

i would argue monogamy isnt interchangeable with honesty.i see it as a construct imposed by church and state...however to answer your question,yes some animals mate for life.

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By *emima_puddlefuckCouple
over a year ago

hexham


"Maybe the trick is to be honest with oneself before making the promise to maintain a monogamous relationship.

It's easy if you have a partner and share a good sex life. It's easy if you have a partner whereby both enjoy swinging.

For many people sex can be something like an addiction. Consider if you will a normal law abiding person who develops a drug addiction, they may become a thief to feed the addiction because their thinking/drives have changed forced by the craving. The brain rationalises, alters priorities to get what it believes it wants/needs.

Without these functions you wouldn't eat, breath etc.

We are programmed to procreate, if we didn't, like without eating and breathing the human race wouldn't exist.

Some people will have greater or lesser self-control where any drives/desires are concerned, hence we have people who drink too much, smoke too much, eat too much etc. and of course those who will break the society imposed standard relationship rules if they don't get sex.

So of course people playing away will by default try and justify what they do, I'm not of course saying that's OK but it is 'natural'.

We don't knowingly play with people playing away but we're not about to hang them for the crime either. "

i see ypur point,but we are all faced with choices in life,and to remain static or to attempt to grow is imo,the one we all face .

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By *lack_BoltMan
over a year ago

oxford


"i just find it all ironic.... people should be lauded for there "honesty"...

people "honest" to people they want to get there leg over with...

people being not so "honest" with the one person in the world you would think they would be most "honest" with......

actually have to admit it's not the "honest" bit that winds me up the most.... its the Justifications that people give.... oh woe is me!!!!

Hence my previous comment about context being everything. Human behaviour isn't absolute and therefore the use of "honesty" cannot be absolutely either.

In fact "honesty" with one person, friend or spouse, can vary from one day to the next, and also vary depending on the context. We grade them in order to justify our behaviour and create the 'white lie' in order to excuse them.

I think this is all part of the huge spectrum of human behaviour. Whether it's good or bad is not absolute but depends purely on your personal position. so by inference everybody's life is a tissue of lies? Be it a small 'white' or a large full bore lies. Surely the suicide rate would be much higher as people realised they could no longer sustain the illusory existence they had fabricated, remembering who you told what, or even just being someone other than what is comfortable and natural to yourself has to be hard work. "

Suicide????? That's a huge leap of logic!? "Tissue of lies"???? Mmmmmm? I don't see it in quite the same emotional terms. As I'd already said human behaviour is not absolute, the reasons and motivations will vary from one person to the next, and therefore so will the consequences.

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By *lack_BoltMan
over a year ago

oxford


"Expanding on the 'it's natural' aspect of the previous post... after all, we're descended from apes and fish and amoeba,

Are animals monogamous or is this a trait only displayed in humans?

i would argue monogamy isnt interchangeable with honesty.i see it as a construct imposed by church and state...however to answer your question,yes some animals mate for life."

Agreed!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Damed if they do

Dames if they don't lol xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

As long as they are honest enough with me ..... so that I can exercise my right not to play with them if they are attached ..... then I don't care what or who they do.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What does it matter to anyone else on here what people they are never going to meet get up to?

If you don't want to play with married people, then don't, and stop judging other people.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Being honest about playing away behind someone's back is, indeed, ironic.

However, I have yet to come across anyone who is 100% honest about everything!

...and outside of a toddler, you never will.

toddlers learn deception easily, deceiving parents to get what they want is a vital step in development of being assertive"

My point exactly, deception and the rationalisation of deceit is a 'skill' we all learn at a very early age. I agree, it is a vital step in a childs development.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"

i would argue monogamy isnt interchangeable with honesty.i see it as a construct imposed by church and state.."

Interesting point, if you accept monogamy has been imposed, then who or what imposed honesty/fidelity within this context?

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By *emima_puddlefuckCouple
over a year ago

hexham


"

i would argue monogamy isnt interchangeable with honesty.i see it as a construct imposed by church and state..

Interesting point, if you accept monogamy has been imposed, then who or what imposed honesty/fidelity within this context?"

Honesty isnt imposed,its something agreed between the partners in any relationship.Not just sexual/romantic,,but parent child,boss employer,friends and so on.

For a relationship to work as well as it can for both parties there has to be an agreed and conscious or unconscious level of mutual trust.

The level of trust and therefore honesty will vary from relationship to relationship,therefore you could argue that someone here only looking for sex need on y be honest about age,looks and whether they will turn up.

However the OP started a use of the term honest by people who are being deceptive simply by being here discussion.As i have said,imo its an attempt to reconcile their self image with their actions.If they were truly only looking for sex they would visit a sex worker.There are other things at play,the need to feel desired,to be attractive to others,to have a relationship that is more than the act of of sex.

i have to point out i do not believe myself somehow a better person than those who cheat,i have my failngs too,however they are not relevant to a swinging site and sexua lbehaviour.

Now if their is a site for mardy Geordie bitches we can all join and discuss my faults

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By *ENDAROOSCouple
over a year ago

South West London / Surrey


"

Surely context is the key? He/she is being honest to you about their situation, which then allows you to make your own decision?

Ultimately the decision to meet is yours isn't it? Nobody's forcing you?"

Agrees with the above

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By *ngieandMrManCouple
over a year ago

hereford

With coincidental perfect timing in light of this thread a friend of mine sent me a joke...

I was devastated when I discovered my wife was having an affair. However I soon found comfort in religion. I converted to Islam and had the bitch stoned

Actually there is serious point there about how different societies _iew such matters. Maybe the Hippies had the right idea, but then you'd all be in the same 'club' and so the behaviour would be mutually acceptable as indeed it is with consenting couples in the swinging club/hobby.

So on the subject of honesty, how much honesty do we own people around us? For example our (now grownup) children don't know about our hobby. If they asked a direct question most likely answer would be 'mind your own business' and that is probably considered acceptable.

But how much honestly does one person own their partner?

"Does my bum look big in this skirt?" do you reply with...

'Mind you own business'?

or

'Looks OK to me'

The person playing away will always justify that by lying they are being 'good' as in not hurting their partner with the truth! While their actions are excused in their mind as being driven by desire/hormones and the idea that their partner is actually depriving them of something they need and want. So none of it is their fault/responsibility.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was just wondering if you "never play with a man playing away" interogate all men on this point. Or is the athletic 30 something with a big cock obviously single and so you don't ask him.

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By *weet threesome wifeCouple
over a year ago

somewhere out there

sometimes it seems the people that cheat behind their partners back are more accepted here through their right of choice, than the people that choose not to play with such people, and get called judgemenel, so it is less acceptable to chose not to play with cheats than be a cheat, where does right to be right and right to be wrong begin and end and has people like me not have a right to be honest and not want married or attached people with us, i dont ask then to leave the site, i dont say they shouldnt be here that is their choice but i will not applaude or respect what they do i will accept it, accept mine

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"It isnt...its cognitive dissonance...or covering up conflicting emotions with rationalizations...tends to lead to mental distress and posting that people shouldnt judge yadda yadda yadda.

"An overarching principle of cognitive dissonance is that it involves the formation of an idea or emotion in conflict with a fundamental element of the self-concept, such as "I am a successful/functional person", "I am a good person", or "I made the right decision." The anxiety that comes with the possibility of having made a bad decision can lead to rationalization, the tendency to create additional reasons or justifications to support one's choices. A person who just spent too much money on a new car might decide that the new vehicle is much less likely to break down than his or her old car. This belief may or may not be true, but it would reduce dissonance and make the person feel better. Dissonance can also lead to confirmation bias, the denial of dis-confirming evidence, and other ego defense mechanisms.

Within this overarching principle, there are two main forms of dissonance: hedonistic dissonance and moral dissonance (Holland, Meertens & Van-Vugt, 2002).

Hedonistic dissonance is elicited when people act in a way which results in negative consequences for themselves. For instance, a person is late for a meeting because of traffic but could have been on time had he taken the subway.

Moral dissonance is aroused when people act in a way that causes negative consequence for others. For instance, cheating and lying."

Wikki yes,but its a term many might not be familar with.

As a professional in the field of human psychology I certify those definition as being true Shall a give also the definition of TRUE or what happens when more people assigns the value of true or false to a sentence? "

No please don't I'm already struggling to understand the first bit, though I seeing my mother's cheating excuses analysed in there somewhere hence I couldn't cope with more

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By *adchickCouple
over a year ago

Cyprus

Anyone cheating on their spouse/partner, without their knowledge, can never use the word........

Honest.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Anyone cheating on their spouse/partner, without their knowledge, can never use the word........

Honest."

Perfect

Well said xx

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By *ngieandMrManCouple
over a year ago

hereford


"I was just wondering if you "never play with a man playing away" interogate all men on this point. Or is the athletic 30 something with a big cock obviously single and so you don't ask him. "

Regardless of how gorgeous he or she may be, regardless of age, regardless of how big a prick he may be we don't just 'ask' we pay attention to detail too. And so if we are even suspicious that there is a partner in the background we walk away.

I dare say we've lost some genuine singles in the process, but hey ho, none of us are perfect

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By *lack_BoltMan
over a year ago

oxford


"sometimes it seems the people that cheat behind their partners back are more accepted here through their right of choice, than the people that choose not to play with such people, and get called judgemenel, so it is less acceptable to chose not to play with cheats than be a cheat, where does right to be right and right to be wrong begin and end and has people like me not have a right to be honest and not want married or attached people with us, i dont ask then to leave the site, i dont say they shouldnt be here that is their choice but i will not applaude or respect what they do i will accept it, accept mine"

I don't think that's true. It isn't a competition "who's the most honest, or otherwise", I think the overarching message is that we should be careful not to judge outright. We all have particular rules that we choose to live by, but others may decide differently, and we should acknowledge that without necessarily agreeing with the choices made.

There are many things people choose to do that I do not like, wish to do, or simply find difficult to comprehend. I do not however condemn others but simply choose not to follow that particular path, and depending on the circumstances may also choose not to meet with that person or group of individuals.

The solution is a simply one really and doesn't require any offence o anyone, or any sanctions preventing them enjoying their lives.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Anyone cheating on their spouse/partner, without their knowledge, can never use the word........

Honest.

Perfect

Well said xx"

That's not true. Total honesty is a utopia, it doesn't exist, no adult is 100% honest, everyone has selective honesty. If what you say is correct then nobody can use the word.

Just to be clear I personally choose NOT to meet people who play behind their partners back, but I do disagree with being overly judgemental just because someone has made different life choices to your own.

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By *iewMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Angus & Findhorn

[Removed by poster at 15/11/11 15:38:36]

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By *iewMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Angus & Findhorn

what is important ... 'are they being honest with you'.

people will meet them, people will not... people decide based on the the person concerned telling them their situation... and that is being honest.

what happens between them and their partner is not for us to involve ourselves in.

unless they ask for an opinion.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"

That's not true. Total honesty is a utopia, it doesn't exist, no adult is 100% honest, everyone has selective honesty. If what you say is correct then nobody can use the word.

"

+1

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"what is important ... 'are they being honest with you'.

people will meet them, people will not... people decide based on the the person concerned telling them their situation... and that is being honest.

what happens between them and their partner is not for us to involve ourselves in.

unless they ask for an opinion."

+1

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"

i would argue monogamy isnt interchangeable with honesty.i see it as a construct imposed by church and state..

Interesting point, if you accept monogamy has been imposed, then who or what imposed honesty/fidelity within this context?

Honesty isnt imposed,its something agreed between the partners in any relationship.Not just sexual/romantic,,but parent child,boss employer,friends and so on.

For a relationship to work as well as it can for both parties there has to be an agreed and conscious or unconscious level of mutual trust.

The level of trust and therefore honesty will vary from relationship to relationship,therefore you could argue that someone here only looking for sex need on y be honest about age,looks and whether they will turn up.

However the OP started a use of the term honest by people who are being deceptive simply by being here discussion.As i have said,imo its an attempt to reconcile their self image with their actions.If they were truly only looking for sex they would visit a sex worker.There are other things at play,the need to feel desired,to be attractive to others,to have a relationship that is more than the act of of sex.

i have to point out i do not believe myself somehow a better person than those who cheat,i have my failngs too,however they are not relevant to a swinging site and sexua lbehaviour.

Now if their is a site for mardy Geordie bitches we can all join and discuss my faults

"

Disagree with the basis of a few of your points Jem. Also with the generalisation of using the cognitive dissonance theory here, it's based on the idea that everyone 'cheating' believes they're making bad decisions and suggests they have to create ways of rationalising.

The fact is some 'cheats' do not see what they're doing as wrong, they have already rationalised that it is the best solution for them in their individual situation.

To some there simply is no conflict between honesty on here and deception at home. The fact that this does not match your standard is totally irrelevant to them. Some believe that a certain amount of deception actually enhances their relationship.

Take manogamy for instance, some, I would suggest the majority in our society, believe it to be a backbone of western society as the basis of a conventional family, for many this is their utopia!

The idea of multi partner is seen by many as abhorrent and against core values (for some as bad or worse than cheating). Most of us on here would disagree and would be offended if a moral 'do gooder' judged us or suggested we were deep down upset at making bad decisions and were trying to come up with positives to rationalise it and make it 'alright'. We would see their 'standard' as ridiculously intolerrant.

I personally believe that honesty is the best policy but I am comfortable with others living their lives as they feel fit......as long as they don't impose their beliefs on me!

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