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Perimenopause - asking for a friend!

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By *orthernJay OP   Man
40 weeks ago

Hyde

Genuinely asking for my best friend, he’s having a torrid time and I’ve always been his sounding board (and he mine).

Twenty year relationship and he adores her, she’s hit perimenopause and he’s “living with a stranger”; his words.

Mood swings, changes in behaviour, to the point where he was convinced she’s cheating; she isn’t as fidelity isn’t a key driver in their relationship, they’re both fairly open and always have been.

Nothing he can do interests her in anything sexual and he’s tried everything I can think of and offer as advice; he’s basically looking down the barrel of an asexual relationship, discreetly playing away or calling time on someone he loves.

I’ve advised against being “unfaithful”, it’ll destroy what they have and all conversations will be about his behaviour and not the actual issue.

Genuinely, any sensible advice I can offer him, please, I’m interested in the female perspective and for sure any guys who’ve been through this or living with it.

I wish I had a solution for him, I’ve spoken to her and her words hit me hard and I love her as a friend; “if I never have sex again, I’m fine with that”, she’s 51 and beautiful inside and out.

Thoughts?

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By *erlicanMan
40 weeks ago

Newbury


"Genuinely asking for my best friend, he’s having a torrid time and I’ve always been his sounding board (and he mine).

Twenty year relationship and he adores her, she’s hit perimenopause and he’s “living with a stranger”; his words.

Mood swings, changes in behaviour, to the point where he was convinced she’s cheating; she isn’t as fidelity isn’t a key driver in their relationship, they’re both fairly open and always have been.

Nothing he can do interests her in anything sexual and he’s tried everything I can think of and offer as advice; he’s basically looking down the barrel of an asexual relationship, discreetly playing away or calling time on someone he loves.

I’ve advised against being “unfaithful”, it’ll destroy what they have and all conversations will be about his behaviour and not the actual issue.

Genuinely, any sensible advice I can offer him, please, I’m interested in the female perspective and for sure any guys who’ve been through this or living with it.

I wish I had a solution for him, I’ve spoken to her and her words hit me hard and I love her as a friend; “if I never have sex again, I’m fine with that”, she’s 51 and beautiful inside and out.

Thoughts? "

I know whereof your friend speaks.

I am here after a 40 + year relationship which has now been sexless for 6 years. I understand the admonition about cheating but short of divorce, which I do not want, I have no idea how to change it.

She is clearly totally disinterested but would NEVER give me permission to stray just for sex.

Believe me, its not very nice - not helped either by so many here who have no understanding of it.

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By *artorialMan
40 weeks ago

weymouth

Consult a menopause specialist, hormones (or lack of them) cause so many different issues and it's not the same from woman to woman

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
40 weeks ago

East Sussex

Ask them to visit a knowledgeable and sympathetic GP. They might need to try several or ask at their practice which one has a special interest in women's health.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
40 weeks ago

East Sussex

Or if they can afford it see a private specialist

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
40 weeks ago

East Sussex

Also all the time they're talking to you about it are they communicating with each other?

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By *orthernJay OP   Man
40 weeks ago

Hyde


"Also all the time they're talking to you about it are they communicating with each other? "

This was my first port of call, he did struggle for a while in silence, he’s in denial at present thinking it’ll get better.

She’s had private consultations to no avail.

Looking from the outside, it seems to me that she’s accepted her fate and it’s now his decision to make.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
40 weeks ago

East Sussex


"Also all the time they're talking to you about it are they communicating with each other?

This was my first port of call, he did struggle for a while in silence, he’s in denial at present thinking it’ll get better.

She’s had private consultations to no avail.

Looking from the outside, it seems to me that she’s accepted her fate and it’s now his decision to make."

What do you mean 'to no avail', did they say there was nothing to be done or has she refused to take any advice they gave?

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By *orthernJay OP   Man
40 weeks ago

Hyde


"Also all the time they're talking to you about it are they communicating with each other?

This was my first port of call, he did struggle for a while in silence, he’s in denial at present thinking it’ll get better.

She’s had private consultations to no avail.

Looking from the outside, it seems to me that she’s accepted her fate and it’s now his decision to make.

What do you mean 'to no avail', did they say there was nothing to be done or has she refused to take any advice they gave?

"

She’s tried talking therapy’s, she’s already taking hormone replacement/support pharmacology, blood tests, testosterone replacement gel.

Nothing has improved her desire (or lack of) for sex or intimacy.

The pharmacology has improved her moods and overall wellbeing which (again from an outside vantage point) is success for her.

I think she’s two years in advance of him, insofar as it’s taken a year to settle her wellbeing and a further year of acceptance of asexuality; whereas he’s tried to support her wellbeing challenges and accepted the reduction in intimacy.

Unfortunately for him, it’s impacting his wellbeing now.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
40 weeks ago

East Sussex

Oh dear.

All I can suggest is couples counselling and wish them both well

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By *en ItaliaWoman
40 weeks ago

your lap

It’s a really complicated time when you’re going through it. I think often we feel like our bodies aren’t ours any more and there are like a million different symptoms going on. If she’s employed, does her employer have resources she can access? Henpicked is really good.

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By *erlicanMan
40 weeks ago

Newbury


"Ask them to visit a knowledgeable and sympathetic GP. They might need to try several or ask at their practice which one has a special interest in women's health.

"

The issue I've faced is that she has familial history of cancers and hormone replacement therapy can increase the risk.

Easier to just pretend things are fine whilst I try to be sympathetic. It has led me to Fab but I suspect, given the sanctimony I've experienced here, I may resort to Illicit Encounters...where essentially it's assumed you're married and seeking an affair. I'm not, as it happens, and I have a very good home life...but no sex for 6 years is frankly too much to ask.

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By *ellinever70Woman
40 weeks ago

Ayrshire

You say your friend adores her, perhaps he should stop trying to coax her into sex and just focus on maintaining the intimacy in their relationship .

If she feels he's pestering her, I can see how that make her withdraw more

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By (user no longer on site)
40 weeks ago

I'm in exactly the same situation not had sex with my partner for 3 years she just says that ship has sailed she seems fine without it from everything else we have a perfect life but I'm really depressed about it

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By *vaRoseWoman
40 weeks ago

Ankh-Morpork

This isn’t really aimed at OP or anyone in particular but just an fyi because I think a lot of folks forget what a massive change perimenopause is.

.

Blood pressure changes - usually sudden highs or lows

Heart palpitations

Hot and cold flushes

Bloating

Reflux

Ibs like symptoms

Joint pain

Muscle weakness

Tendonitis

Hearing changes

Vertigo

Parasthesia - burning or pins and needles in extremities

Migraines and headaches

Brain fog and confusion

Tinitus

Hair loss or texture changes

Skin changes - usually thinning and dry

Temperature intolerance

Allergy flare up

Changes in taste and smell

Noise sensitivity

Stress incontinence and urgency

Mood swings - maybe because of hormones or maybe because of dealing with all the other fucking symptoms

Unpredictable periods

Puritis - itching all over

Recurrent UTI - due to thinning mucus membranes and changes in PH

Vaginal dryness

Clitoral sensitivity changes - numb or super sensitive to the point of pain

Disturbed sleep

I could keep going but you get the idea…..

.

When she’s feeling like she’s in the wrong body, an alien in her own skin and that she’s got dementia because she can’t think straight…. Is it any surprise that for many women their libido suffers?

Not every woman is suitable for HRT, and not every woman responds well to it or indeed wants to take it

. For others though…. Maybe we should treat the perimenopause with a bit of care and realise that she’s going through so much and needs support not pressure to perform.

I’m not saying this to diminish the affects all of this has on their partners. It’s certainly a rollercoaster for them to deal with too. More that it’s so often diminished to “her indoors is being unreasonably moody and having a hot flush” and that’s fucking unfair.

So far I’m one of the lucky ones that isn’t getting too many symptoms and those I have are more like inconveniences and my hormones are well controlled. In fact I seem to be one of those ladies who’s sex drive is going up not down. My case certainly isn’t how it is for everyone.

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By *issmorganWoman
40 weeks ago

Calderdale innit

Has she seen a gp about it op?

I'm Peri menopausal now and it's not fun.

The sweats, mood swings, irregular cycle, insomnia and aching joints are just a few symptoms.

There are things she can try to help ie hrt it natural suppliments if she'd prefer.

You're right to advise against cheating, it would ruin their relationship.

I am lucky that my other half is patient and is aware that many of my symptoms are due to being peri menopausal.

All I can advise is that he asks to talk to her. They sit and he communicates openly about how he's feeling etc and see if they can try and look at any compromises.

I promise it's no fun for the person going through it, but understand it does effect their loved ones too.

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By *issmorganWoman
40 weeks ago

Calderdale innit

I've just read a bit more. If she doesn't want sex, would she allow him to have discreet fun?.

That takes the pressure off her, as someone else said, pestering for sex is a huge turn off, when you're struggling with things already.

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By *ex MexicoMan
40 weeks ago

North West

I once read about this kind of situation on the Guardian letters page. There's two things to consider.

First, of course she hasn't chosen this situation. It's happened to her. So while she may no longer be interested in sex, that doesn't mean she's happy about it. She's presumably not happy that her sex drive is gone, and presumably not happy her husband is upset about it. So she's not at fault and she's also having to bear some of the consequences.

However,

It's not okay for her to act like their sex life ending is just the way it is and there's no discussion to be had. He has a legitimate cause to feel aggrieved, because while of course she has the right to say she no longer wants sex, that does not give her the right to say that he can no longer have sex.

I don't know what the solution is, whether it's her agreeing to persist in trying to resurrect her libido, or whether it's her agreeing to allow hom to seek sexual comfort elsewhere, or some other solution. It's clear however that the solution cannot be for her to just declare that sex is over forever for both of them.

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By *ellinever70Woman
40 weeks ago

Ayrshire


"

I don't know what the solution is, whether it's her agreeing to persist in trying to resurrect her libido, or whether it's her agreeing to allow hom to seek sexual comfort elsewhere, or some other solution. It's clear however that the solution cannot be for her to just declare that sex is over forever for both of them."

The first 2 suggestions leave it to the woman to fix his lack of sex.

Wouldn't it be lovely if more men were willing to accept that their own sex life will change at that point in life?

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By *ex MexicoMan
40 weeks ago

North West


"

I don't know what the solution is, whether it's her agreeing to persist in trying to resurrect her libido, or whether it's her agreeing to allow hom to seek sexual comfort elsewhere, or some other solution. It's clear however that the solution cannot be for her to just declare that sex is over forever for both of them.

The first 2 suggestions leave it to the woman to fix his lack of sex.

Wouldn't it be lovely if more men were willing to accept that their own sex life will change at that point in life?"

Well, to be fair the situation is she's refusing to have sex with him and refusing to let him have sex with anyone else. The only way he could change that without at least her consent would be to cheat on her, which nobody is reasonable proposing.

And I don't think that it would be lovely at all for anybody to accept that. How would you feel if at an arbitrary point in your life your partner decided, without warning, that from one day to the next your sex life was just over?

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By *issP69Woman
40 weeks ago

Neath

I've been in peri menopause for a few years (I am aware I a younger than the norm)

My sex drive fluctuates

I can only empathize with the OPs partner

It's an extremely difficult thing to go through yourself without carrying the burden of a partners' expectations , with all due respect who has no clue what it actually feels like

I have a partner but we live apart

It's enough for me, I couldn't be with someone full time.

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By *issP69Woman
40 weeks ago

Neath


"

I don't know what the solution is, whether it's her agreeing to persist in trying to resurrect her libido, or whether it's her agreeing to allow hom to seek sexual comfort elsewhere, or some other solution. It's clear however that the solution cannot be for her to just declare that sex is over forever for both of them.

The first 2 suggestions leave it to the woman to fix his lack of sex.

Wouldn't it be lovely if more men were willing to accept that their own sex life will change at that point in life?

Well, to be fair the situation is she's refusing to have sex with him and refusing to let him have sex with anyone else. The only way he could change that without at least her consent would be to cheat on her, which nobody is reasonable proposing.

And I don't think that it would be lovely at all for anybody to accept that. How would you feel if at an arbitrary point in your life your partner decided, without warning, that from one day to the next your sex life was just over?"

Saying she is "refusing" to have sex with him is making it sound like something he should be entitled to. He's not.

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By *ellinever70Woman
40 weeks ago

Ayrshire


"

I don't know what the solution is, whether it's her agreeing to persist in trying to resurrect her libido, or whether it's her agreeing to allow hom to seek sexual comfort elsewhere, or some other solution. It's clear however that the solution cannot be for her to just declare that sex is over forever for both of them.

The first 2 suggestions leave it to the woman to fix his lack of sex.

Wouldn't it be lovely if more men were willing to accept that their own sex life will change at that point in life?

Well, to be fair the situation is she's refusing to have sex with him and refusing to let him have sex with anyone else. The only way he could change that without at least her consent would be to cheat on her, which nobody is reasonable proposing.

And I don't think that it would be lovely at all for anybody to accept that. How would you feel if at an arbitrary point in your life your partner decided, without warning, that from one day to the next your sex life was just over?"

You previously acknowledged that she hadn't chosen this situation. Why wouldn't it be lovely for a man to find a different way to experience sexual pleasure with a partner he loves and wants to support...sex doesn't always have to be him sticking his penis inside a woman

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By *ex MexicoMan
40 weeks ago

North West


"

I don't know what the solution is, whether it's her agreeing to persist in trying to resurrect her libido, or whether it's her agreeing to allow hom to seek sexual comfort elsewhere, or some other solution. It's clear however that the solution cannot be for her to just declare that sex is over forever for both of them.

The first 2 suggestions leave it to the woman to fix his lack of sex.

Wouldn't it be lovely if more men were willing to accept that their own sex life will change at that point in life?

Well, to be fair the situation is she's refusing to have sex with him and refusing to let him have sex with anyone else. The only way he could change that without at least her consent would be to cheat on her, which nobody is reasonable proposing.

And I don't think that it would be lovely at all for anybody to accept that. How would you feel if at an arbitrary point in your life your partner decided, without warning, that from one day to the next your sex life was just over?

Saying she is "refusing" to have sex with him is making it sound like something he should be entitled to. He's not."

It's not a case of entitlement. It's about one of the aspects of a relationship changing substantially because of something that affects one partner, and that partner not acknowledging the impact it has on the other partner.

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By *ex MexicoMan
40 weeks ago

North West


"

I don't know what the solution is, whether it's her agreeing to persist in trying to resurrect her libido, or whether it's her agreeing to allow hom to seek sexual comfort elsewhere, or some other solution. It's clear however that the solution cannot be for her to just declare that sex is over forever for both of them.

The first 2 suggestions leave it to the woman to fix his lack of sex.

Wouldn't it be lovely if more men were willing to accept that their own sex life will change at that point in life?

Well, to be fair the situation is she's refusing to have sex with him and refusing to let him have sex with anyone else. The only way he could change that without at least her consent would be to cheat on her, which nobody is reasonable proposing.

And I don't think that it would be lovely at all for anybody to accept that. How would you feel if at an arbitrary point in your life your partner decided, without warning, that from one day to the next your sex life was just over?

You previously acknowledged that she hadn't chosen this situation. Why wouldn't it be lovely for a man to find a different way to experience sexual pleasure with a partner he loves and wants to support...sex doesn't always have to be him sticking his penis inside a woman "

That implies she's open to sexual activity other than penetrative sex. The information we have suggests she's not open to any sex at all.

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By *orthernJay OP   Man
40 weeks ago

Hyde


"I've just read a bit more. If she doesn't want sex, would she allow him to have discreet fun?.

That takes the pressure off her, as someone else said, pestering for sex is a huge turn off, when you're struggling with things already. "

In reply to the question, they have previously discussed introducing others to their relationship, (they’re not a swinging couple per se although they have played together with others) but her response was she doesn’t want sex with anyone.

He appreciates it’s not a lack of attraction on his part, in effect she’s no organic trigger for sexual interaction given her perimenopausal hormone changes and any inorganic triggers to interest her in sex (introducing others) leaves her feeling manipulated; which makes sense.

She’s explicitly doesn’t want him playing without consent (in effect cheating) and has made that clear; you can argue the morality of her thinking either way, hence the impossible position.

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By *orthernJay OP   Man
40 weeks ago

Hyde


"Saying she is "refusing" to have sex with him is making it sound like something he should be entitled to. He's not."

For clarity, nobody is suggesting any man is “entitled” to sex, nobody is entitled to anything.

Also, she’s not refusing to have sex in the sense of he’s asking and she’s saying no, that would imply they have a transactional sex life which couldn’t be further from the truth.

She’s no desire and to his credit he hasn’t chosen the easy path (which many would) in having a affair or seeking gratification elsewhere; he’s educated himself, sought counsel and is concentrating his efforts on the other aspects of their relationship.

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By *orthernJay OP   Man
40 weeks ago

Hyde

Just a word of thanks for the many messages I’ve received privately, the number of guys dealing with this situation or similar is unbelievable.

As an aside, there seems to be zero support mechanism anywhere for men in this situation, there’s absolutely a need for something.

From my research, there’s precious little advice for women either, big watch out is the number of “snake oil” saleswomen out there peddling solutions and testing to vulnerable women; it’s astounding given the science is (in effect) in its infancy; let alone any proactive solutions that offer positive change.

Both him and her have spent thousands in search of solace, let alone a solution.

For me personally, I think it’s disingenuous to suggest he should just accept his fate and support his wife, which is the position of almost all of the messages from female or the female half of couple based accounts.

I don’t think any man is suggesting it’s a walk in the park for women, far from it, surely nobody wants to see the person they love suffering!

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By *elkieWoman
40 weeks ago

Durham

Just saw this. Basically: my body is completely changed. The things that used to get me off now make my skin crawl, and that’s really distressing. What helps is supportive and understanding partners that make me feel like the hottest woman alive. Taking photos, compliments, all of these are better than HRT. The commitment that it’s ok that my sex drive is slowing down; none of them are leaving me because of it helps, and so does cuddling.

We talk a lot about this though, and in each relationship my menopause has brought us closer emotionally as we’ve shared worries and fears. I can’t stress enough, he needs to talk about his feelings with her as well as you.

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By *inky PerkyCouple
40 weeks ago

Narnia

I'd say that perimenopause is the primary cause for mature marriages becoming dead bedroom relationships or separations, so your friend is definitely not alone.

Healthy communication and professional help is the way forward.

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By *oelMan
40 weeks ago

Midlands, London, Brussels


"Genuinely asking for my best friend, he’s having a torrid time and I’ve always been his sounding board (and he mine).

Twenty year relationship and he adores her, she’s hit perimenopause and he’s “living with a stranger”; his words.

Mood swings, changes in behaviour, to the point where he was convinced she’s cheating; she isn’t as fidelity isn’t a key driver in their relationship, they’re both fairly open and always have been.

Nothing he can do interests her in anything sexual and he’s tried everything I can think of and offer as advice; he’s basically looking down the barrel of an asexual relationship, discreetly playing away or calling time on someone he loves.

I’ve advised against being “unfaithful”, it’ll destroy what they have and all conversations will be about his behaviour and not the actual issue.

Genuinely, any sensible advice I can offer him, please, I’m interested in the female perspective and for sure any guys who’ve been through this or living with it.

I wish I had a solution for him, I’ve spoken to her and her words hit me hard and I love her as a friend; “if I never have sex again, I’m fine with that”, she’s 51 and beautiful inside and out.

Thoughts? "

Be there, but learn to be independent and not rely on her. Have the conversation about what the future looks like, perhaps talk about open marriage

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By *urvyMilf4BlackMenWoman
40 weeks ago

Norwich

Om my gosh your friend is not the one who is suffering his partner is. The mental health stain a woman can go through is just simply terrifying.

The perimenopause is the single most awful thing that has happened to me.

She needs his help and support. Please get her to a private doctor as everything takes too long with the NHS and start getting her back on some sort of track. It's been over a year of hell for me and in reality it has been creeping up for the last 4.

I'm still not okay but at I'm a bit better.

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By *eus n EuropaCouple
40 weeks ago

Norwich


"Genuinely asking for my best friend, he’s having a torrid time and I’ve always been his sounding board (and he mine).

Twenty year relationship and he adores her, she’s hit perimenopause and he’s “living with a stranger”; his words.

Mood swings, changes in behaviour, to the point where he was convinced she’s cheating; she isn’t as fidelity isn’t a key driver in their relationship, they’re both fairly open and always have been.

Nothing he can do interests her in anything sexual and he’s tried everything I can think of and offer as advice; he’s basically looking down the barrel of an asexual relationship, discreetly playing away or calling time on someone he loves.

I’ve advised against being “unfaithful”, it’ll destroy what they have and all conversations will be about his behaviour and not the actual issue.

Genuinely, any sensible advice I can offer him, please, I’m interested in the female perspective and for sure any guys who’ve been through this or living with it.

I wish I had a solution for him, I’ve spoken to her and her words hit me hard and I love her as a friend; “if I never have sex again, I’m fine with that”, she’s 51 and beautiful inside and out.

Thoughts?

Be there, but learn to be independent and not rely on her. Have the conversation about what the future looks like, perhaps talk about open marriage "

Be there for her most definitely and discuss the future but I'd sway from even thinking about talking open marriage or anything that suggests seeking sex anywhere else for him as this would more than likely cause so much more upset for both sides

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By *exybabe49Woman
40 weeks ago

Nr Lancaster

Get her to seek the specialist docter at her surgery. Have full bloods done and lay it on thick .. took me years [and yes I went off sex ] to get help. I have a estrogen spray testerone gel and vaginal cream. And s3x drive is back.. plus I have vitamins . Best to seek help plus Google. Its fooking crap to go through .

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By *elaninMaverickWoman
40 weeks ago

near Putney Heath


"Just a word of thanks for the many messages I’ve received privately, the number of guys dealing with this situation or similar is unbelievable.

As an aside, there seems to be zero support mechanism anywhere for men in this situation, there’s absolutely a need for something.

From my research, there’s precious little advice for women either, big watch out is the number of “snake oil” saleswomen out there peddling solutions and testing to vulnerable women; it’s astounding given the science is (in effect) in its infancy; let alone any proactive solutions that offer positive change.

Both him and her have spent thousands in search of solace, let alone a solution.

For me personally, I think it’s disingenuous to suggest he should just accept his fate and support his wife, which is the position of almost all of the messages from female or the female half of couple based accounts.

I don’t think any man is suggesting it’s a walk in the park for women, far from it, surely nobody wants to see the person they love suffering!

"

For women who shut up shop permanently... I'm convinced that they never really like sex or intimacy or their partner that much anyway.

If you love/like your partner male or female you would not want them suffer hormonally or sexually/intimately.

I know plenty of true swingers who allow one partner to swing and the other does not because one partner is too ill mentally or physically.

I am a woman with low libido and perimenopausal symptoms who is single and also plays with husbands of wives who do not have the capacity to match the husbands sex drives for various reasons.

I am on a low income and was raised by a cheap skate father so never thought tha if I spent thousands on anything I would get what I want.

You need to see a licensed and certified sex therapist toghether and seperately twice a week for intimacy practice for at least 12 months.

Since I don't have a committed life partner or that kind of money or access to that on the NHS, I attended clubs and events where intimacy is expressed, discussed and encouraged at least 4 times a month.

I feel better in my body intimately and my interest in sex is stable.

We women are raised to believe that sex is not important and dirty and is all about the man's satisfaction and once we hit such a block as perimenopause or illness we are happy to just give up.

Luckily, I've always been a tom boy and read copious literature about the female orgasm and had no intentions of never having an orgasm again! So I am re-learning my body.

There are something like 500 types of psychotherapies to go with the multiple types of psychological diagnoses.

6 weeks CBT or hypn0therapy or marriage counselling is not going to cut it.

Intimacy, sex and your body is when you are at your most vulnerable, out of control, raw and authentic. If you are not happy in and with your body, you wont' want sex no matter if your force it.

I had to re-learn how to seduce my own body as a single woman.

For some people it's just easier to blame their spouse or committed life partner for their sexual problems...it's always deeper than sex. Lack of sex is a symptom of something deeper.

I don't believe you can go from sexual to asexual. But I do believe that you can convince yourself that sex is not worth it any more.

I hate to say it but men often do things that turn women completely off. Whether it's leaving the toilet seat up, forgetting their birthday, asking them where they put their tie, playing with their phone when women are trying to have a conversation etc...etc.etc... which is why I don't live with a man. My low libido doesn't need extra help in being turned off.

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By *cedGemWoman
40 weeks ago

your dreams


"You say your friend adores her, perhaps he should stop trying to coax her into sex and just focus on maintaining the intimacy in their relationship .

If she feels he's pestering her, I can see how that make her withdraw more"

Same as what I was thinking he adores her but he's only really interested in the lack of sex. Maybe he's the issue?

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By *ex MexicoMan
40 weeks ago

North West

I feel like there's a middle-ground where we can both feel compassion for this woman going through a difficult condition, and also feel compassion for this guy who still desires his wife physically and is upset that she abruptly and unexpectedly no longer reciprocates.

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By *he Silver FuxMan
40 weeks ago

Utero


"Genuinely asking for my best friend, he’s having a torrid time and I’ve always been his sounding board (and he mine).

Twenty year relationship and he adores her, she’s hit perimenopause and he’s “living with a stranger”; his words.

Mood swings, changes in behaviour, to the point where he was convinced she’s cheating; she isn’t as fidelity isn’t a key driver in their relationship, they’re both fairly open and always have been.

Nothing he can do interests her in anything sexual and he’s tried everything I can think of and offer as advice; he’s basically looking down the barrel of an asexual relationship, discreetly playing away or calling time on someone he loves.

I’ve advised against being “unfaithful”, it’ll destroy what they have and all conversations will be about his behaviour and not the actual issue.

Genuinely, any sensible advice I can offer him, please, I’m interested in the female perspective and for sure any guys who’ve been through this or living with it.

I wish I had a solution for him, I’ve spoken to her and her words hit me hard and I love her as a friend; “if I never have sex again, I’m fine with that”, she’s 51 and beautiful inside and out.

Thoughts? "

It destroyed my marriage. But my wife refused to entertain any HRT (due to a deep seated paranoia of mythical side-effects) your friend and his wife must seek this out - do not be put off by GPs that have little understanding or sympathy of the menopause- demand HRT, it may save their relationship and help her get through the worst. Mother Nature is an absolute bitch to women.

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By *he Silver FuxMan
40 weeks ago

Utero


"Genuinely asking for my best friend, he’s having a torrid time and I’ve always been his sounding board (and he mine).

Twenty year relationship and he adores her, she’s hit perimenopause and he’s “living with a stranger”; his words.

Mood swings, changes in behaviour, to the point where he was convinced she’s cheating; she isn’t as fidelity isn’t a key driver in their relationship, they’re both fairly open and always have been.

Nothing he can do interests her in anything sexual and he’s tried everything I can think of and offer as advice; he’s basically looking down the barrel of an asexual relationship, discreetly playing away or calling time on someone he loves.

I’ve advised against being “unfaithful”, it’ll destroy what they have and all conversations will be about his behaviour and not the actual issue.

Genuinely, any sensible advice I can offer him, please, I’m interested in the female perspective and for sure any guys who’ve been through this or living with it.

I wish I had a solution for him, I’ve spoken to her and her words hit me hard and I love her as a friend; “if I never have sex again, I’m fine with that”, she’s 51 and beautiful inside and out.

Thoughts?

It destroyed my marriage. But my wife refused to entertain any HRT (due to a deep seated paranoia of mythical side-effects) your friend and his wife must seek this out - do not be put off by GPs that have little understanding or sympathy of the menopause- demand HRT, it may save their relationship and help her get through the worst. Mother Nature is an absolute bitch to women."

Zero interest in sex or any intimacy, nasty personality (didn’t even recognise the woman I married), absolutely raging at times, scaring the two kids - toxic. Absolutely would not discuss HRT even though two of our best friends were GPs. It was a relief when she moved out of the family home. Divorce came along soon after.

Fucking. Nightmare.

It makes me incredibly sad. Still friends though after making it through.

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By *orthernJay OP   Man
40 weeks ago

Hyde


"Same as what I was thinking he adores her but he's only really interested in the lack of sex. Maybe he's the issue? "

For context and to correct your one dimensional thinking; at no point did I suggest “he’s only really interested in the lack of sex” and I don’t think anything that I’ve written alludes to that.

I’m assuming you’ve taken the time to read the entire thread, if so and the above is your reaction then thank you for taking the time to share as such, even though it’s of zero help to him or anyone else.

If you’ve not read the entire thread then maybe that’s something to consider.

In his defence, and he’s none the wiser to my post since they’re not on Fab, he’s the last man in the queue to only consider himself and therein lies the mental well-being impact.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
40 weeks ago

East Sussex

^^ couples counselling.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
40 weeks ago

East Sussex

Also if he's unaware of this post would either of them be comfortable with the amount of personal information you've given here? I know it's anonymous but...

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By (user no longer on site)
40 weeks ago


"Also if he's unaware of this post would either of them be comfortable with the amount of personal information you've given here? I know it's anonymous but..."

It surprises me that this is being discussed on a swinging site. Trust me any woman that suffers really needs all the understanding and help they can get, some sail through and a lot don’t. I’m now post menopause and this is the shittest stage for me. It’s absolutely a living hell which a lot of people just won’t understand

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By *orthernJay OP   Man
40 weeks ago

Hyde


"It destroyed my marriage. But my wife refused to entertain any HRT (due to a deep seated paranoia of mythical side-effects) your friend and his wife must seek this out - do not be put off by GPs that have little understanding or sympathy of the menopause- demand HRT, it may save their relationship and help her get through the worst. Mother Nature is an absolute bitch to women.

Zero interest in sex or any intimacy, nasty personality (didn’t even recognise the woman I married), absolutely raging at times, scaring the two kids - toxic. Absolutely would not discuss HRT even though two of our best friends were GPs. It was a relief when she moved out of the family home. Divorce came along soon after.

Fucking. Nightmare.

It makes me incredibly sad. Still friends though after making it through."

I can’t begin to imagine, you’re not alone in this experience though, given some of the PM’s I’ve received.

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By *orthernJay OP   Man
40 weeks ago

Hyde


"Also if he's unaware of this post would either of them be comfortable with the amount of personal information you've given here? I know it's anonymous but..."

They are both aware, as you say, it’s anonymous and given the PM’s I’ve read, it’s more prevalent than perhaps people realise.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
40 weeks ago

East Sussex


"Also if he's unaware of this post would either of them be comfortable with the amount of personal information you've given here? I know it's anonymous but...

They are both aware, as you say, it’s anonymous and given the PM’s I’ve read, it’s more prevalent than perhaps people realise."

Oh I thought you said he was none the wiser because neither of them are on fab.

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By *cedGemWoman
40 weeks ago

your dreams


"Same as what I was thinking he adores her but he's only really interested in the lack of sex. Maybe he's the issue?

For context and to correct your one dimensional thinking; at no point did I suggest “he’s only really interested in the lack of sex” and I don’t think anything that I’ve written alludes to that.

I’m assuming you’ve taken the time to read the entire thread, if so and the above is your reaction then thank you for taking the time to share as such, even though it’s of zero help to him or anyone else.

If you’ve not read the entire thread then maybe that’s something to consider.

In his defence, and he’s none the wiser to my post since they’re not on Fab, he’s the last man in the queue to only consider himself and therein lies the mental well-being impact."

Right

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By *orthernJay OP   Man
40 weeks ago

Hyde


"Also if he's unaware of this post would either of them be comfortable with the amount of personal information you've given here? I know it's anonymous but...

They are both aware, as you say, it’s anonymous and given the PM’s I’ve read, it’s more prevalent than perhaps people realise.

Oh I thought you said he was none the wiser because neither of them are on fab. "

None the wiser to any negativity, and I’ve received a bit of that unfortunately.

Free speech, everyone is entitled to their opinion!

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By *he Silver FuxMan
40 weeks ago

Utero


"Also if he's unaware of this post would either of them be comfortable with the amount of personal information you've given here? I know it's anonymous but...

It surprises me that this is being discussed on a swinging site. Trust me any woman that suffers really needs all the understanding and help they can get, some sail through and a lot don’t. I’m now post menopause and this is the shittest stage for me. It’s absolutely a living hell which a lot of people just won’t understand "

I’m not surprised because this is a community of sex positive people who communicate in their partnerships, probably to a deeper level than a vanilla relationship, and there are many women on Fab who are are peri / post menopausal- five of my close female friends are on HRT, patches, coils etc. It has transformed their lives.

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By *orny PTMan
40 weeks ago

Peterborough


"Consult a menopause specialist, hormones (or lack of them) cause so many different issues and it's not the same from woman to woman "

That is so true, there is no fixed start or end date.

The patch is called the marriage saver and worth a GP visit.

Just like puberty, two of the major symptoms is denial and a lack of trust. This is horrible, but natural....from 40 something to 13!

good luck.

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By (user no longer on site)
40 weeks ago


"Also if he's unaware of this post would either of them be comfortable with the amount of personal information you've given here? I know it's anonymous but...

It surprises me that this is being discussed on a swinging site. Trust me any woman that suffers really needs all the understanding and help they can get, some sail through and a lot don’t. I’m now post menopause and this is the shittest stage for me. It’s absolutely a living hell which a lot of people just won’t understand

I’m not surprised because this is a community of sex positive people who communicate in their partnerships, probably to a deeper level than a vanilla relationship, and there are many women on Fab who are are peri / post menopausal- five of my close female friends are on HRT, patches, coils etc. It has transformed their lives."

Ok but for some hrt is not the answer. Not all women can go on Hrt or can tolerate it, so it ain’t as simple as pop a patch on and you’ll be fine. Great if that’s the case but there are plenty who including myself take years to get on the right regime.

I rarely take my advice from anything written on fab but guess we are all different

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By *orny PTMan
40 weeks ago

Peterborough


"Also if he's unaware of this post would either of them be comfortable with the amount of personal information you've given here? I know it's anonymous but...

It surprises me that this is being discussed on a swinging site. Trust me any woman that suffers really needs all the understanding and help they can get, some sail through and a lot don’t. I’m now post menopause and this is the shittest stage for me. It’s absolutely a living hell which a lot of people just won’t understand

I’m not surprised because this is a community of sex positive people who communicate in their partnerships, probably to a deeper level than a vanilla relationship, and there are many women on Fab who are are peri / post menopausal- five of my close female friends are on HRT, patches, coils etc. It has transformed their lives.

Ok but for some hrt is not the answer. Not all women can go on Hrt or can tolerate it, so it ain’t as simple as pop a patch on and you’ll be fine. Great if that’s the case but there are plenty who including myself take years to get on the right regime.

I rarely take my advice from anything written on fab but guess we are all different "

Remove the taboo that religion has embedded into all cultures and discuss it. That is good advice.

Why can't people on here dish out their own experiences and advice. Go to your GP is a difficult and clunky option. Swapping GPs is not much fun either.

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By (user no longer on site)
40 weeks ago


"Also if he's unaware of this post would either of them be comfortable with the amount of personal information you've given here? I know it's anonymous but...

It surprises me that this is being discussed on a swinging site. Trust me any woman that suffers really needs all the understanding and help they can get, some sail through and a lot don’t. I’m now post menopause and this is the shittest stage for me. It’s absolutely a living hell which a lot of people just won’t understand

I’m not surprised because this is a community of sex positive people who communicate in their partnerships, probably to a deeper level than a vanilla relationship, and there are many women on Fab who are are peri / post menopausal- five of my close female friends are on HRT, patches, coils etc. It has transformed their lives.

Ok but for some hrt is not the answer. Not all women can go on Hrt or can tolerate it, so it ain’t as simple as pop a patch on and you’ll be fine. Great if that’s the case but there are plenty who including myself take years to get on the right regime.

I rarely take my advice from anything written on fab but guess we are all different

Remove the taboo that religion has embedded into all cultures and discuss it. That is good advice.

Why can't people on here dish out their own experiences and advice. Go to your GP is a difficult and clunky option. Swapping GPs is not much fun either."

But at the end of the day it’s the GP or a menopause clinic that will help the woman, not

a bloke of fab

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By *oleraine-coupleCouple
40 weeks ago

Coleraine

I F54 had a terrible time with the menopause. It crept up on me and then boom everything changed. The moods, weird emotions, terrible sleep, temperature all over the place, brain fog and my sexual appetite died.

It was tough for us both.

Him living with a wife not the same as he had known and a very different sex life to the one we had before.

For me I felt so different and challenged by what it was throwing at me.

The main thing is we are close and very open as a couple and we talked a lot. We tried to understand it and manage it together as one. This included lots of medical support and trial and error with treatments and then patience on both our parts.

I sex life was massively different and the swinging stopped completely for some time I had zero interest in this.

It’s been a four year journey so far and it continues. Some months I am great and others less so.

The communication, openness and patience is critical.

In terms of sex my hubby understands how and why and simply asked not to be ignored. I shouted up when I wanted sex (it varied a lot) and when I didn’t I kept him food with HJ and BJ’s or using toys with him which he was more than happy with and kept us intimate.

It a long and moving game. It requires both people to play their part in making it all ok.

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By *elaninMaverickWoman
40 weeks ago

near Putney Heath


"Genuinely asking for my best friend, he’s having a torrid time and I’ve always been his sounding board (and he mine).

Twenty year relationship and he adores her, she’s hit perimenopause and he’s “living with a stranger”; his words.

Mood swings, changes in behaviour, to the point where he was convinced she’s cheating; she isn’t as fidelity isn’t a key driver in their relationship, they’re both fairly open and always have been.

Nothing he can do interests her in anything sexual and he’s tried everything I can think of and offer as advice; he’s basically looking down the barrel of an asexual relationship, discreetly playing away or calling time on someone he loves.

I’ve advised against being “unfaithful”, it’ll destroy what they have and all conversations will be about his behaviour and not the actual issue.

Genuinely, any sensible advice I can offer him, please, I’m interested in the female perspective and for sure any guys who’ve been through this or living with it.

I wish I had a solution for him, I’ve spoken to her and her words hit me hard and I love her as a friend; “if I never have sex again, I’m fine with that”, she’s 51 and beautiful inside and out.

Thoughts?

It destroyed my marriage. But my wife refused to entertain any HRT (due to a deep seated paranoia of mythical side-effects) your friend and his wife must seek this out - do not be put off by GPs that have little understanding or sympathy of the menopause- demand HRT, it may save their relationship and help her get through the worst. Mother Nature is an absolute bitch to women."

I'm not surprised. But I had therapy before I was hit with perimenopause so I knew what it was. Most people avoid therapy like the plague because they think it means that they are weak or crazy.

Most people also don't want to take medication....

Unfortunately as people we often get in our own way and sometimes when that happens, there's nothing that can be done.

A lot of women think that they are entitled to ignore men's feelings and needs for intimacy just because they themselves do not need/want the intimacy.

I can also say that all the anger we women have been holding in for decades comes out in perimenopause and menopause Hence the Karen trope.

Personally, I've given up trying to explain to people and I'm much happier on my own and occasionally dipping into the intimate environment when I feel able without having to worry about matching someone else's libido.

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By *erlicanMan
40 weeks ago

Newbury


"This isn’t really aimed at OP or anyone in particular but just an fyi because I think a lot of folks forget what a massive change perimenopause is.

.

Blood pressure changes - usually sudden highs or lows

Heart palpitations

Hot and cold flushes

Bloating

Reflux

Ibs like symptoms

Joint pain

Muscle weakness

Tendonitis

Hearing changes

Vertigo

Parasthesia - burning or pins and needles in extremities

Migraines and headaches

Brain fog and confusion

Tinitus

Hair loss or texture changes

Skin changes - usually thinning and dry

Temperature intolerance

Allergy flare up

Changes in taste and smell

Noise sensitivity

Stress incontinence and urgency

Mood swings - maybe because of hormones or maybe because of dealing with all the other fucking symptoms

Unpredictable periods

Puritis - itching all over

Recurrent UTI - due to thinning mucus membranes and changes in PH

Vaginal dryness

Clitoral sensitivity changes - numb or super sensitive to the point of pain

Disturbed sleep

I could keep going but you get the idea…..

.

When she’s feeling like she’s in the wrong body, an alien in her own skin and that she’s got dementia because she can’t think straight…. Is it any surprise that for many women their libido suffers?

Not every woman is suitable for HRT, and not every woman responds well to it or indeed wants to take it

. For others though…. Maybe we should treat the perimenopause with a bit of care and realise that she’s going through so much and needs support not pressure to perform.

I’m not saying this to diminish the affects all of this has on their partners. It’s certainly a rollercoaster for them to deal with too. More that it’s so often diminished to “her indoors is being unreasonably moody and having a hot flush” and that’s fucking unfair.

So far I’m one of the lucky ones that isn’t getting too many symptoms and those I have are more like inconveniences and my hormones are well controlled. In fact I seem to be one of those ladies who’s sex drive is going up not down. My case certainly isn’t how it is for everyone.

"

What a very comprehensive reply and thank you. My wife has quite literally switched off her sex and it is hell. She's I on low dose HRT but won't up it through fear of familial cancer risk.

I have a very comfortable home life and we have a superb friendship, but the one area that wont even be considered is the physical and mental impact on me. Hence here. And then it's cheating or whatever ugly phrase you want from people who so appreciate the importance of sex in their lives that they share it with others, which at first I thought would risk marriages but have come to understand actually enhances most.

It's almost soul-destroying to be so completely unable to enjoy the feel and taste of a woman.

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By *orthernJay OP   Man
39 weeks ago

Hyde

“Physical and mental impact”, simply cannot be underestimated or ignored.

As I’ve suggested previously, the lack of any support networks for men impacted by this has been biggest surprise; so much so that I’m attending an Andy Mans Club with my friend.

Once again, thanks for everyone who’s taken the time to DM and their counsel. It’s certainly educated me!

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By *lim and louiseMan
39 weeks ago

dromore

My Mrs was like that ,went completely off sex and the great times we had with men off here, I assume your friend is already giving her space as mine was like a bear with a sore head nothing was right or wrong, hot sweats she sleeps in one bedroom myself in another

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By *layful_GaiaWoman
39 weeks ago

Yorkshire

I think menopause is a real thing that affects both parties in a relationship. It's part of what you sign up for in a long term relationship, just like any life changing injury or illness would impact both parties, where 1 might have to make sacrifices or step up to support the other more for a period of time. That's not to undermine it's impact or that it's not a difficult time that takes understanding, empathy and support on both sides. Unlike an injury or illness, menopause is inevitable and the extent can be mild or extreme, short term or long term. Ideally, people should go into a long term relationship, being mindful of that, since every women goes through that change. Discuss what you would do in illness scenarios and what you want to do during menopause, should xyz happen.

The thing that is hopeful is that while it might feel like forever, for her and for him, it does pass/ settle into a new normal. So there is always scope to build a new normal together. It takes open communication and a desire to overcome it together.

Relieving other life burdens such as the mental load of running a household, taking care of extended family/ children, giving her plenty of non sexual RandR time, can definitely assist with some symptoms, as can getting help from the doctor, as there is no 1 medical and therapeutic solution, it's trial and error to find what works.

I really hope they manage to tackle it together

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By (user no longer on site)
39 weeks ago

What an insightful thread OP - thanks for sharing your friend’s situation, and thanks to all the contributors for your thoughtful and honest input.

‘We’ are experiencing menopause now, and my wife feels like it’s an extension of perimenopause so far. She’s very keen to get the whole thing over with, and started HRT after much deliberation. It took a while to find the optimal medication and method of delivery, but it seems to have eased the worst symptoms.

Thankfully there’s been no serious impact on our intimacy. Her sex drive is not what it was, but can suddenly spike out of nowhere. We’ll regularly go without sex for many weeks, but wouldn’t countenance separate beds and remain very tactile.

The difficulty is the unpredictability, as well as body image issues for her - not something she’s ever had an issue with. She still looks amazing and had almost gone overboard with the exercise to offset her concerns on that score.

If those weeks without sex turn into months and potentially nothing, that will be tough, but being here - with her awareness/access and no intent to meet - is one way of staying engaged with my sexual self. It’s a talking point for us already, and I’m sure we’ll continue to have fun with it one way or another.

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By *orny PTMan
37 weeks ago

Peterborough


"Or if they can afford it see a private specialist "

Right to choose, is a brilliant option: private care and NHS foots the bill. I've had this before, now I'm having it again

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By *orny PTMan
37 weeks ago

Peterborough


"

It surprises me that this is being discussed on a swinging site. "

This is sexual dysfunction along with ED. This is the best place to discuss it, because it is an 18+ environment and everybody needs to be educated on it, after all 'The Change' ONLY affects 50% of the global population. So there is a lot of people to educate.

GPs, medical staff, doctors, nurses, chemists and clinicians, as well a patients are on this site, I'm not one of those by the way. If we all ignored advice from outside the surgeries and clinics, then the mortality rate would be a lot higher.

Sexual frustration and sexual neglect are very damaging and still reek of shame.

Slight digression, but help is help, even if the location is unorthodox

As for the right time and right place...you wouldn't expect to get an impromptu skin cancer check up, but hey ho, this bloke is certainly grateful.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SwPOhSD5oD0

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By *aughtydealcoupleCouple
37 weeks ago

Walmer, Deal

Look on the virus section a few menopause posts on there

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By *immers123Woman
34 weeks ago

South Molton

It's sad that men make it all about them.. and their feelings. I'm going through it now. I'm almost 44 and in the early stages and it's hell. My mood is at an all time low, I cried at work last night. I'm angry, sad, frustrated. My periods are all over. Then men are poor me.. my wife doesn't want sex anymore. Maybe tell him to have some sympathy. Can't win was the same when I was rasing my husbands children.. woe is me I'm nit getting sex anymore.

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By (user no longer on site)
34 weeks ago

I am unable to reply to you personally via message as you have blocked non site supporters. If you would like more detail regarding this feel free to message me.

A few things. Menopause is an awful time for the whole family. The female suffers horrendous ly but so do their partners and children.

I highly advise a private clinic. HRT but also testogel. The HRT massively improves everything but rarely the libido. Testogel

Can be used for that.

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By *erlicanMan
34 weeks ago

Newbury


"

I don't know what the solution is, whether it's her agreeing to persist in trying to resurrect her libido, or whether it's her agreeing to allow hom to seek sexual comfort elsewhere, or some other solution. It's clear however that the solution cannot be for her to just declare that sex is over forever for both of them.

The first 2 suggestions leave it to the woman to fix his lack of sex.

Wouldn't it be lovely if more men were willing to accept that their own sex life will change at that point in life?"

I DO understand that...but I'm still a man who needs sexual release and can't easily deal with the idea that my sex life is over.

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By *eus n EuropaCouple
34 weeks ago

Norwich


"

I don't know what the solution is, whether it's her agreeing to persist in trying to resurrect her libido, or whether it's her agreeing to allow hom to seek sexual comfort elsewhere, or some other solution. It's clear however that the solution cannot be for her to just declare that sex is over forever for both of them.

The first 2 suggestions leave it to the woman to fix his lack of sex.

Wouldn't it be lovely if more men were willing to accept that their own sex life will change at that point in life?

I DO understand that...but I'm still a man who needs sexual release and can't easily deal with the idea that my sex life is over.

"

Do you not think your partner/wife has needs but can't help the way her body handles the situation with not wanting a sex life too

Tbh as the female here replying id be absolutely beside myself if I found out my partner was on a swinging site getting his sexual fix just because my health stops needing or wanting sex

Yes I've been through the menopause bought on very early at 50 due to needing surgery. It wasn't my choice and most women who no longer want intimacy don't do it through choice but single guys on this site due to lack and of sex at home do have a choice of staying faithful

Sorry but it has to be said

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By *aughtydealcoupleCouple
34 weeks ago

Walmer, Deal


"

I don't know what the solution is, whether it's her agreeing to persist in trying to resurrect her libido, or whether it's her agreeing to allow hom to seek sexual comfort elsewhere, or some other solution. It's clear however that the solution cannot be for her to just declare that sex is over forever for both of them.

The first 2 suggestions leave it to the woman to fix his lack of sex.

Wouldn't it be lovely if more men were willing to accept that their own sex life will change at that point in life?

I DO understand that...but I'm still a man who needs sexual release and can't easily deal with the idea that my sex life is over.

Do you not think your partner/wife has needs but can't help the way her body handles the situation with not wanting a sex life too

Tbh as the female here replying id be absolutely beside myself if I found out my partner was on a swinging site getting his sexual fix just because my health stops needing or wanting sex

Yes I've been through the menopause bought on very early at 50 due to needing surgery. It wasn't my choice and most women who no longer want intimacy don't do it through choice but single guys on this site due to lack and of sex at home do have a choice of staying faithful

Sorry but it has to be said "

Well said hun totally agree

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By *ellinever70Woman
34 weeks ago

Ayrshire


"

I don't know what the solution is, whether it's her agreeing to persist in trying to resurrect her libido, or whether it's her agreeing to allow hom to seek sexual comfort elsewhere, or some other solution. It's clear however that the solution cannot be for her to just declare that sex is over forever for both of them.

The first 2 suggestions leave it to the woman to fix his lack of sex.

Wouldn't it be lovely if more men were willing to accept that their own sex life will change at that point in life?

I DO understand that...but I'm still a man who needs sexual release and can't easily deal with the idea that my sex life is over.

"

A bit like women who can't easily deal with menopause.

Seek help to adjust

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By *ony-JonesMan
34 weeks ago

Gillingham

Maybe you friend should give her some space instead of hounding her for sex, divorces are expensive and could end up living in a bed sit and still get no sex. If he is a Manu support he is probably depressed as well. Sometime we have to stop feeling sorry for ourselves and make the best of what we have.

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By *elaninMaverickWoman
34 weeks ago

near Putney Heath


"

I don't know what the solution is, whether it's her agreeing to persist in trying to resurrect her libido, or whether it's her agreeing to allow hom to seek sexual comfort elsewhere, or some other solution. It's clear however that the solution cannot be for her to just declare that sex is over forever for both of them.

The first 2 suggestions leave it to the woman to fix his lack of sex.

Wouldn't it be lovely if more men were willing to accept that their own sex life will change at that point in life?

I DO understand that...but I'm still a man who needs sexual release and can't easily deal with the idea that my sex life is over.

"

Cringe. I believe that the idea that anyone needs sexual release is an archaic one.

What people need is intimacy. Intimacy and sexual penetration and sexual stimulation are not the same thing.

It's just that some people never learned how to create, give and receive intimacy without sex.

Why in this day and age people in committed partnerships do not have the bravery to admit that monogamy no longer works for them sexually and come to a compromise or end the monogamous partnership.

Humans are not created solely for the purpose of fulfilling sexual release.

If I can't deal with something easily, I talk to my therapist...not run off doing sexually risky things.

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By *elaninMaverickWoman
34 weeks ago

near Putney Heath


"Maybe you friend should give her some space instead of hounding her for sex, divorces are expensive and could end up living in a bed sit and still get no sex. If he is a Manu support he is probably depressed as well. Sometime we have to stop feeling sorry for ourselves and make the best of what we have."

I meet a lot of divorced men....although they are now free to have lots of sex...they are not having lots of sex. lol! And they don't live in a bedsit and they have plenty of money.

Simply because the women who are available are spoilt for choice and have a plethora of sex toys. I'm not spoilt for choice as I'm not everyone's cuppa tea but my sex toys always satisfy me without a fuss.

my friend with benefits complains that I get more sex than him ( we are the same age as met at school), even though we are both single. He never married. He has an insatiable libido and watches more hardcore bisexual porn.

I only get more sex and intimacy because I go outside and socialise more than he does and there is always more single men than women in the lifestyle. The funny thing is that now I'm more attracted to trans and genderfluid penis owners without breasts.

I will always advocate that people work on a compromise because marital and long term relationship breakdown can make you so depressed that you will see a significant drop in your libido anyway. I happened to me for 2 years after and I don't fit the male su1cide risk profile.

If you can't compromise and you can't fulfil each other's intimacy needs, then you need to split instead of long term suffering.

For me, my compromise is solo polyamory. I nmeet my own needs when I want. When I'm in a karen perimenopausal mood, I stay alone and my playmates can have their intimacy needs met by others. For a lot of my playmates, their compromise with their wives and girlfriends is swinging and polyamory.

It's no one's fault that there are mismatched libidos or intimacy needs. It can just happen...even if you love and want to be committed to the person.

Talking about it is better than lying or blaming or suffering.

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By *orthernJay OP   Man
33 weeks ago

Hyde


"Maybe you friend should give her some space instead of hounding her for sex, divorces are expensive and could end up living in a bed sit and still get no sex. If he is a Manu support he is probably depressed as well. Sometime we have to stop feeling sorry for ourselves and make the best of what we have."

In reply to the above, perhaps you should take time and read through the entire thread.

Nobody is “hounding” anybody for sex or a divorce. As for “bedsits” or “feeling sorry” for oneself……sigh

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By *randMrs397Couple
33 weeks ago

durham

The Mrs thinks she is early perimenopause and has a massive number of symptoms someone listed above. The part I find hardest is not being able to reassure her enough when she has low/emotional moments. She has supported me through the years with my mental health so I will do whatever it takes to help her. The part I find hard as an overthinker is when I try to research to gain an understanding there's so much to take in, it's no wonder women can find it overwhelming. Personally I would absolutely not cheat as hard as that may be for some people, understanding is key I think.

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By *aughtydealcoupleCouple
33 weeks ago

Walmer, Deal


"The Mrs thinks she is early perimenopause and has a massive number of symptoms someone listed above. The part I find hardest is not being able to reassure her enough when she has low/emotional moments. She has supported me through the years with my mental health so I will do whatever it takes to help her. The part I find hard as an overthinker is when I try to research to gain an understanding there's so much to take in, it's no wonder women can find it overwhelming. Personally I would absolutely not cheat as hard as that may be for some people, understanding is key I think. "

Your not alone there my husband trys his best to reassure and support me on my low days physically and mentally but think as women we find that hard to accept and like you said there is so much research out there its hard to understand sounds like she's lucky to have you and it will get better for you both

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