FabSwingers.com forum: How does a new Dom start out

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I’ve recently started enjoying rough sex and being dominating. Not found anyone yet who is willing to help me continue my journey and gain experience. Are people willing to help the inexperienced? Thanks.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Anyone?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Depends what you mean by rough sex that in itself can sound off putting. If you mean tying somebody up while having sex with them that is one thing. However my first and last experience with a dom who was actually a sadistic prick, involved sex that was so rough I ended up bruised inside.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Nothing hardcore, I do respect people I have sex with, there are boundaries of course for everyone. Yes tying up, I do like to fuck hard, but not to hurt anyone. This is why I would like to find people to explore with.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just because you like rough sex doesn’t make you a Dom. Google is your best start point. Read and educate yourself!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

As this is primarily a swinging site, there will be dominants on the site but in a lesser capacity to that of perhaps a Fetish site.

I would suggest to look at your local clubs find out if they have a Fetish event.

Perhaps look to prominent 'fet' ish 'life' style webpage (dot com) for information surrounding local groups in your area. Local lunches munched were like minded individuals will meet. Basically a social event for bdsmers.

After that there will be adverts for professionals and local dungeons if you choose that path.

Mistress Amelia

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Just because you like rough sex doesn’t make you a Dom. Google is your best start point. Read and educate yourself!"

I’m aware of this and yes I can google but that doesn’t help me find someone to start my journey. I’m naturally a dominant person.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"As this is primarily a swinging site, there will be dominants on the site but in a lesser capacity to that of perhaps a Fetish site.

I would suggest to look at your local clubs find out if they have a Fetish event.

After that there will be adverts for professionals and local dungeons if you choose that path.

Mistress Amelia

Haha that fet ish life website can be very difficult to meet people on.

You need to go to a local Munch OP and talk to people.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"As this is primarily a swinging site, there will be dominants on the site but in a lesser capacity to that of perhaps a Fetish site.

I would suggest to look at your local clubs find out if they have a Fetish event.

After that there will be adverts for professionals and local dungeons if you choose that path.

Mistress Amelia

Thank you mistress that is a good start

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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago

Up on them there hills

"As this is primarily a swinging site, there will be dominants on the site but in a lesser capacity to that of perhaps a Fetish site.

I would suggest to look at your local clubs find out if they have a Fetish event.

After that there will be adverts for professionals and local dungeons if you choose that path.

Mistress Amelia

In a lesser capacity?

Pray tell me, what that means in the context of this site.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"As this is primarily a swinging site, there will be dominants on the site but in a lesser capacity to that of perhaps a Fetish site.

I would suggest to look at your local clubs find out if they have a Fetish event.

After that there will be adverts for professionals and local dungeons if you choose that path.

Mistress Amelia

In a lesser capacity?

Pray tell me, what that means in the context of this site."

Less of them?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I would say she means there are less doms here than an actual fetish site yes.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My advice would be have total respect for whoever you play with and communication is key ...every session is known as a scene and played out by the Dom ...know what your sub wants and if it meets your needs, and progress together...BDSM is a catch all term for brown sex, so know what element fascinates you.

Talk to them, a sub will know what they want and your role is to supply it ... something all good Dom's know is the power and control they have is an illusion, as the sub has the ultimate control, it's them Who allow you to fulfill your fantasy while they act out theirs .

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Never been sure what rough sex has to do with being a dom? Surely it's just rough sex? That doesn't make you a dom

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Never been sure what rough sex has to do with being a dom? Surely it's just rough sex? That doesn't make you a dom "

As I said I’m new and just starting out. I found I like rough sex and being in control which is leading me down a dominant path. So it just started there.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"My advice would be have total respect for whoever you play with and communication is key ...every session is known as a scene and played out by the Dom ...know what your sub wants and if it meets your needs, and progress together...BDSM is a catch all term for brown sex, so know what element fascinates you.

Thank you for the advice. Just need to find someone willing to help me explore.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

As said in the thread it all depends on where you want to be.

If you like a little rough sex and are mainly a take controll in the bedroom sort of guy. Then that does not mean that you are necessary a Dom.

If you are drawn to BDSM and kink and also want a D/s dynamic then that's a different thing.

I wrote this awhile ago on a fet. ISH type site.

The Good Dominant

So as always this is not based on any one thing or aimed at anyone. It simply comes from my mind not switching off at 2am in the morning.

It seems so easy to come online and label yourself a Dom, but is it truely that easy, just because you give yourself that title.

Simply because you can order someone to suck your cock, you own a black shirt and leather trousers and you may even own a cane or two does not make you a Dom.

Yes I will admit image, toys and even being able to give orders can be part of the overall package of being a Dom but on their own they dont make you a Dom.

So I suppose we need to define what makes a good Dominant.

So first of all is being a Dom nature or nurture.

To me its a bit of both, I think some people are naturally Alpha males or Alpha Females but without learning the skills of Domination they would simply be dominant people.

These skills are like any other, in the right enviroment and given the right tutors anyone can learn them. But just like any other lessons it comes down to how receptive the person is to learning them.

Now the natural Alpha Male/Female part of someone helps them be more suited to taking on a Dominant role than someone who is not a Alpha.

So what are the characteristics should we tell newbies to look out for when looking for a Dominant within the lifestyle.

For me a good Dominant should have a strong sense of ethics, be honest and should be respectful of others no matter their position in life.

In addition i feel a good Dominant should also possesses the very qualities of a normal descent person. Those of kindness, consideration, politeness, empathy, sympathy.

There is also a need for Confidence not Arrogance (there is a big difference)

Both confident and arrogant Doms have a strong belief in their own abilities. Those with confidence can easily overcome fears and uncertaint but also take ownership of their mistakes and learn from them. Arrogant people usually view themselves as superior and never admit their mistakes

As there are many skills to the art of domination a good Dominant tends to show a eagerness to learn, to grow and to understand that they are on a journey, just as much as a submissive is when entering the life style.

A common mistake that some Doms make is the idea that you have to be Domineering. They are easy to spot, as their attitude is brash and rude, their tone frequently crass and their treatment of submissives is generally negative and oppressive.

A Dominant controls their submissive not by being overbearing or through the use of threats or by belittling another, but rather by working on a more subtle level, influencing their thoughts, desires, needs and hopes – and through the simple action of showing they care for them.

They take responsibility for their submissive always being empathic towards them and sympathetic to their needs, knowing that for a submissive to give their best, they must be secure and confident in their submission.

Indeed, it is fair to say that the good Dominant is guided by their empathy towards their submissive and is able to step away from the dynamic and be supportive of their submissive when needed.

A good Dominant will instil trust and actively encourages communication. They do this by listen to their submissive and learn about them, their needs, hopes and desires. They also understand the importance of ongoing communication asall relationships grow and altee over time.

Certainly, the good Dominant will work to avoid emotional harm and/or seek to rectify matters where such may occur, however unintended.

And finally a good Dominant is a Dominant driven by love.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Have a play around with your profile, make sure it displays the person you want people to see you as. Create something that inspires a woman or couple to take the journey with you and sparks her imagination.

Bio's are key

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think you are confused between bdsm and Dom.

Dom doesn’t have to be rough it means you are in control. If you are looking for someone to help you on your journey that would suggest you are sub.

Good advice from Mistress but you need to find some like minded women who are willing to take you in hand and teach you what you need to know.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

Explain exactly what you want on your profile, be willing to invest time and effort and expect a few false starts. There probably are people who would like to explore this dynamic with another person but you will need patience I suspect

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I am very new to this so maybe using the wrong term Dom. I know I’m not a sub though. I do like to be in control, I don’t just want vanilla sex.

I like to use my size and strength during sex, pin someone down, hair pulling, tying someone up, hands round the throat. That kind of thing is turning me on currently. Hope this helps paint a better picture.

Thank you everyone for the replies so far.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I am very new to this so maybe using the wrong term Dom. I know I’m not a sub though. I do like to be in control, I don’t just want vanilla sex.

Thank you everyone for the replies so far. "

That's not being a Dom that is just rough sex. You do need to be careful using the term Dom as you may attract those that expect an experienced BDSM player.

Rough sex is all about building trust and alot of communication on what the individuals boundaries are etc.

In the case of finding someone that is the same as anyone trying to find anyone on here.

Be clear on your profile what you like and experiences

Go to events and socials in your local area.

Send polite messages aimed at someone's profile

And understand it will take time

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Ok so sounds like I start out finding someone who likes rougher kind of sex. Go from there and see how that progresses?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Dom and rough sex can go together but aren't exclusive...just like anything in the bdsm world...but a Dom is much more than the way he has sex. Do you not agree?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My advice would be to read as much as you can about it and get a good insight from both sub and Dom point of view.

There's some really great blogs just Google it and see what it comes up with.

Being a submissive does not necessarily involve rough sex. There is so many different Dynamics to a sub Dom relationship or even if you're not going to have a sub Dom relationship to the sub Dom dynamic. There's no one cap fits all because everybody is different.

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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago

Up on them there hills

Talk to subs, they have no false superego, they know what they want.

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

Hands round the throat can be dangerous. The people I'm most likely to trust with risky stuff educate themselves about the risks.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Hands round the throat can be dangerous. The people I'm most likely to trust with risky stuff educate themselves about the risks. "

Agreed, it’s more the placement of the hands with only a little squeeze. Nothing like asphyxiation as I wouldn’t do that.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Dom and rough sex can go together but aren't exclusive...just like anything in the bdsm world...but a Dom is much more than the way he has sex. Do you not agree?"

Yes completely agree it’s more than just sex

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"My advice would be to read as much as you can about it and get a good insight from both sub and Dom point of view.

There's some really great blogs just Google it and see what it comes up with.

Thank you will have a look

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Always remember that the sub is ultimately in control. Listen to them and if they're not comfortable, or say stop, stop.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Also with any kind of rough or risky sex is always best to have a safe word in place.

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By *erby DomCouple
over a year ago

Ashbourne(ish) and Chesterfield(ish)

"Haha that fet ish life website can be very difficult to meet people on.

You need to go to a local Munch OP and talk to people."

It is more difficult to make connections for a reason. Consent is everything in the kink community. When you let someone dominate or restrain you then you place yourself in a very vulnerable position. You therefore need a good level of trust between both parties.

The answer your opening question the answer is educate yourself. Being a Dom is not just about rough sex, in fact it can have nothing to do with sex at all.

A Dom respects his/her sub and nurtures them, protects them and listens to them. We use safe words for a reason and they must always be obeyed.

Munches are a good place to start or if you are a club goer and you see a Dom/sub couple respectfully wait if they are mid scene and then ask questions. Get their take on things.

You will be surprised to find out that everyone is different and there is no set formulae to being a good Dom. You can get the best advice from submissives, ask them what they expect from and want from a Dom.

The first lesson though is stop thinking about yourself, if you want to be a Dom then it is all about your submissive.

Good luck, be respectful of submissives and play safe.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Rough sex is about trust too not necessarily an entitlement ... I know a few ladies on here that love it but doesn't mean they'll let just anyone though. Also you might have to except that it can also be a two way thing!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I’m a very well mannered respectful man. Anyone willing to get to know me will be treated with respect and feelings always considered at all times.

Just need to find someone who wants to start out by chatting.

Thanks again to all posters so far.

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

Yeah, it's bloody hard making connections of this kind, because it's hard enough to tell at the best of times who's genuinely respectful of my body and consent, who's full of it, and who's manipulative.

The greater the risk or the vulnerability involved, the greater the trust required.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I am very new to this so maybe using the wrong term Dom. I know I’m not a sub though. I do like to be in control, I don’t just want vanilla sex.

Thank you everyone for the replies so far. "

Sounds to me you simply like rough sex. You like the physical control rather than the mental control.

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By *erby DomCouple
over a year ago

Ashbourne(ish) and Chesterfield(ish)

"Yeah, it's bloody hard making connections of this kind, because it's hard enough to tell at the best of times who's genuinely respectful of my body and consent, who's full of it, and who's manipulative.

The greater the risk or the vulnerability involved, the greater the trust required. "

Absolutely. Always trust your gut instinct

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By *ophieslutTV/TS
over a year ago

Central

Do more of what you already have, perhaps with the same or other people. Your partners will outline what they need and your obligations are to respect boundaries

The other advice here is clear and spot on. Some people will be reluctant to join you as that 50 Shades of shite brought out some awful specimens, creatures who professed to be dom and were like a plague here ever since

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

"I’m a very well mannered respectful man. Anyone willing to get to know me will be treated with respect and feelings always considered at all times.

Just need to find someone who wants to start out by chatting.

Thanks again to all posters so far."

I find, although I'm quite kinky, that opening with details about kinks puts me off. Others may feel differently. But a message that goes into detail about how someone wants to do X to me will be deleted or blocked (depending on the details, even if I love X). A message in a more general respectful tone that names X among their interests might be more successful.

Although these days I'm much more likely to play vanilla until I'm really sure that this person isn't dangerous.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I am very new to this so maybe using the wrong term Dom. I know I’m not a sub though. I do like to be in control, I don’t just want vanilla sex.

Thank you everyone for the replies so far.

Sounds to me you simply like rough sex. You like the physical control rather than the mental control.

I don’t really know about the mental control so guess starting with physical first is a start. We all got to start somewhere.

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

"Do more of what you already have, perhaps with the same or other people. Your partners will outline what they need and your obligations are to respect boundaries

Yeah. There are definitely people who call themselves doms because they get off on the idea of non consensual violence.

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

"I am very new to this so maybe using the wrong term Dom. I know I’m not a sub though. I do like to be in control, I don’t just want vanilla sex.

Thank you everyone for the replies so far.

Sounds to me you simply like rough sex. You like the physical control rather than the mental control.

I don’t really know about the mental control so guess starting with physical first is a start. We all got to start somewhere."

I'd guess the mental element is more important tbh. I'd go away and read, a lot.

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By *erby DomCouple
over a year ago

Ashbourne(ish) and Chesterfield(ish)

"Yeah. There are definitely people who call themselves doms because they get off on the idea of non consensual violence. "
Abusers, that is all they are

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Just because you like rough sex doesn’t make you a Dom. Google is your best start point. Read and educate yourself!"

Hear hear. I'm sub and and it's far more than rough sex. You should try clubs and parties and pick up some tips

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Do more of what you already have, perhaps with the same or other people. Your partners will outline what they need and your obligations are to respect boundaries

Yeah. There are definitely people who call themselves doms because they get off on the idea of non consensual violence. "

I find this ^^^ from a few messages sent to me ... no idea about what another person wants

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

"Yeah. There are definitely people who call themselves doms because they get off on the idea of non consensual violence. Abusers, that is all they are"

Oh agreed. But it's worth being aware of the phenomenon because it's something that will make many wary, and if you're genuine, to be at pains to avoid.

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

"Do more of what you already have, perhaps with the same or other people. Your partners will outline what they need and your obligations are to respect boundaries

Yeah. There are definitely people who call themselves doms because they get off on the idea of non consensual violence.

I find this ^^^ from a few messages sent to me ... no idea about what another person wants

Yeah, this too. I'm a person with my own needs, not an object to be roughed up and follow a frankly terrifying violent script. Block, delete, sometimes report.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Do more of what you already have, perhaps with the same or other people. Your partners will outline what they need and your obligations are to respect boundaries

Yeah. There are definitely people who call themselves doms because they get off on the idea of non consensual violence.

I find this ^^^ from a few messages sent to me ... no idea about what another person wants

Yeah, this too. I'm a person with my own needs, not an object to be roughed up and follow a frankly terrifying violent script. Block, delete, sometimes report. "

I tell them we'd have a personality clash lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have read so many of these how to be a Dom writtings, most of them a waste of time as the idea of all Doms being the same and as such need pages of the same information is silly really.

But I thought I would jump on the band wagon with my 10 easy steps to being a Dom.

1. Dont be a dick.

2. Respect

3. Dont be a dick ( as you notice this one is in the list more than once this means it important.)

4. Go to local events clubs and munches and get to know people

5. Learn learn learn learn

6. Take your time

7. Talk to experienced doms and subs.

8. Don't rush in as you could hurt some one

9. Take your time and learn learn learn

10. Dont be a DICK

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By *edangel_2013Woman
over a year ago

southend

My best experience with a Dom, did not involve any sexual contact at all.

In my experience the best Doms pleasure the mind long before they physically touch their sub.

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By *erby DomCouple
over a year ago

Ashbourne(ish) and Chesterfield(ish)

"Yeah, this too. I'm a person with my own needs, not an object to be roughed up and follow a frankly terrifying violent script. Block, delete, sometimes report. "
You cannot underestimate the value of your personal safety. Only do kink play with people you know well and basically trust with your life. Clubs are good places to experiment if you are new as they are public places where you are likely to be much safer than one to one meets.

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By *erby DomCouple
over a year ago

Ashbourne(ish) and Chesterfield(ish)

"I have read so many of these how to be a Dom writtings, most of them a waste of time as the idea of all Doms being the same and as such need pages of the same information is silly really.

But I thought I would jump on the band wagon with my 10 easy steps to being a Dom.

1. Dont be a dick.

2. Respect

3. Dont be a dick ( as you notice this one is in the list more than once this means it important.)

4. Go to local events clubs and munches and get to know people

5. Learn learn learn learn

6. Take your time

7. Talk to experienced doms and subs.

8. Don't rush in as you could hurt some one

9. Take your time and learn learn learn

10. Dont be a DICK

MT"
That sums it up nicely.

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By *alcon43Woman
over a year ago

Paisley

"As this is primarily a swinging site, there will be dominants on the site but in a lesser capacity to that of perhaps a Fetish site.

I would suggest to look at your local clubs find out if they have a Fetish event.

After that there will be adverts for professionals and local dungeons if you choose that path.

Mistress Amelia

In a lesser capacity?

Pray tell me, what that means in the context of this site."

I met a very experienced Dom in here who was very much into the scene for years. There are experienced people on here too.

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

"Yeah, this too. I'm a person with my own needs, not an object to be roughed up and follow a frankly terrifying violent script. Block, delete, sometimes report. You cannot underestimate the value of your personal safety. Only do kink play with people you know well and basically trust with your life. Clubs are good places to experiment if you are new as they are public places where you are likely to be much safer than one to one meets."

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By *alcon43Woman
over a year ago

Paisley

"My best experience with a Dom, did not involve any sexual contact at all.

In my experience the best Doms pleasure the mind long before they physically touch their sub."

And sub space is amazing! The anticipation that a good Dom builds is very erotic and adds to the thrill of it all.

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By *erby DomCouple
over a year ago

Ashbourne(ish) and Chesterfield(ish)

I only do it with one person at the moment, because no one else has convinced me that they're safe enough. I'm perhaps over cautious, but better than the alternative. I guess my contributions here along the lines of, these are the things I think about when I get a message from someone purporting to be a dom. "
It is always wise to be over cautious especially where you could put yourself in very a vulnerable position. Safety first at all times.

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By *erby DomCouple
over a year ago

Ashbourne(ish) and Chesterfield(ish)

"My best experience with a Dom, did not involve any sexual contact at all.

In my experience the best Doms pleasure the mind long before they physically touch their sub.

And sub space is amazing! The anticipation that a good Dom builds is very erotic and adds to the thrill of it all. "
It is all about the mind, building up the excitement and sensations until you get that sub-space experience and that is a wonderful thing to see. I love it when sub'r' experiences it. Our mind is our biggest sex organ.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I have lots to learn and experience by the sound of it. It’s exciting. I’m certainly not a physical abuser at all. Very respectful of who I am with. Only want enjoyment for who I’m with and myself of course. Just got to learn the ropes and find people willing to help me in person as well as in the forum.

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

"I have lots to learn and experience by the sound of it. It’s exciting. I’m certainly not a physical abuser at all. Very respectful of who I am with. Only want enjoyment for who I’m with and myself of course. Just got to learn the ropes and find people willing to help me in person as well as in the forum. "

Go to a munch or a fet night at a club. I suspect it's highly unlikely you'll find what you're looking for here.

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By *erby DomCouple
over a year ago

Ashbourne(ish) and Chesterfield(ish)

"Go to a munch or a fet night at a club. I suspect it's highly unlikely you'll find what you're looking for here. "

Good advice

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Go to a munch or a fet night at a club. I suspect it's highly unlikely you'll find what you're looking for here. "

Why because people are looking for experienced people and not someone just starting out?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I started discovering and experimenting 29 years ago. It took me 10 years plus understanding the mental side of BDSM and kink as well as the physical sides.

I spent years learning from experienced people and reading.

Learning about RACK and SSC kink and other things.

I came out as a Dom 12 years ago and then built up on my skill and knowledge till I ended up running kink events and being a DM

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By *erby DomCouple
over a year ago

Ashbourne(ish) and Chesterfield(ish)

Go to a munch or a fet night at a club. I suspect it's highly unlikely you'll find what you're looking for here.

Why because people are looking for experienced people and not someone just starting out?"
No, you are more likely to find a higher concentration of knowledgable people you can talk to at one. You can also see demonstrations and learn more.

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

Go to a munch or a fet night at a club. I suspect it's highly unlikely you'll find what you're looking for here.

Why because people are looking for experienced people and not someone just starting out?"

Because women generally have the pick of this place and we'll take the best offers. I've yet to have a message from someone who wants me as their BDSM guinea pig, but I have had it from guys who think I'm going to be their personal swinging club guide. I don't react well to those messages, and that involves the regular vulnerability in sex, let alone the kind involved in BDSM.

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

And what Derby Dom said.

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By *sGivesWoodWoman
over a year ago

ST. AUSTELL, CORNWALL

Read, go to munches and theme nights.

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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago

Up on them there hills

"I am very new to this so maybe using the wrong term Dom. I know I’m not a sub though. I do like to be in control, I don’t just want vanilla sex.

Thank you everyone for the replies so far.

Sounds to me you simply like rough sex. You like the physical control rather than the mental control.

I don’t really know about the mental control so guess starting with physical first is a start. We all got to start somewhere."

The cognitive input is imperative in building boundaries and anticipation.

The last person I engaged in a relationship with, we met seven times before we met sexually.

She hit subspace within a minute, equally she crashed very badly, it took a lot of time and anchoring of positive states to bring her back up.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Thank you for the advice. Just need to find someone willing to help me explore."

Being a dom is something that is self-taught largely to realise your own strengths, desires and importantly which subs with which desires of their own are best suited for you?

Pointers can be taken from more established doms of course, but ultimately the best ingredients you can bring to the table are a huge boundless imagination and strange as it may sound a willingness to please? As if consideration is made for a sub's wants and they are not only met but exceeded, then their obedience is so much easier to give?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

OP, it's an evolutionary process, much like everything to do with your sexuality. It's also not something you can learn as such, nor can you be taught.

Some people on here have suggested looking it up online, which has some value, but in truth it's got to be your natural inclination. Being a Dom and being someone with a dominant streak sexually is not the same thing at all by the way - it may simply be that you enjoy rough sex which again is not Domming. There's a real distinction to be made between the two.

I rarely talk about this on here, since my D/s life & experience is generally kept to another site which I'm not allowed to mention on this one, but Dom/sub play isn't something you enter into lightly, nor should you try to 'play' at being a Dom without the knowledge to do so. As I say, it's evolutionary so you can't just suddenly become a Dom or be taught by a sub. That's doesn't really add up.

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By *inkycreamCouple
over a year ago

manchester

Gently find your partners likes, and middle ground anything more you will quickly lose there respect, keep it fun and have a lot of discussions to keep things in perspective. Just my thought this though

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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

Some excellent advice already given throughout this thread that you'd do well to read and read again and take notice of.

One thing I'd add to all that - all the way through this thread you've made statements along the lines of "I need to find someone to explore this with" in actual fact as a first step you don't - as a first step you need to decide what being dominant means to you, for some it could be just a liking for what you term "rough sex" and that is wildly different from being "a Dom".

If having really introspected you decide that it is nothing more than you enjoy "rough sex" then it's a case of discussing that interest with people that you get to know and guaging their own interest - they won't necessarily identify as submissive, just other people who like a man who takes control - and you can only build that sort of thing over time and by building trust etc.

If you decide that being "a Dom" is where your interest lies then you need to decide what kind of Dom you think you'd be and indeed the kind of submissive you think would fit that style and compliment it. You can only do that through learning in some of the ways already suggested and taking your time to truly understand yourself and should do so before even considering finding a submissive.

There is no "right" way to any of this, only your way and the way agreed with a consenting partner - but there are plenty of "wrong" ways

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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago

Up on them there hills

May I also suggest to have fun.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Please please invest a lot of time in getting to know your sub....

A D/S relationship is very hard work and more time consuming than a traditional vanilla relationship....

My biggest mistake starting out as a Dom was not investing enough time into my sub..

Please learn from my mistake....

Also be prepared to spend money on toys and equipment.... these things are not cheap...

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Thanks everyone, never expected so much response

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By *wickermanMan
over a year ago

Staines

"Hands round the throat can be dangerous. The people I'm most likely to trust with risky stuff educate themselves about the risks.

Agreed, it’s more the placement of the hands with only a little squeeze. Nothing like asphyxiation as I wouldn’t do that. "

And in that statement you show how little you actually know. I would suggest you start by reading the series of articles on breath play written by Jay Wiseman. Then realise that you can do breath play with no contact with the subjects neck. As has been suggested, find workshops on what you think interests you, fet fairs often mount them as part of their days. LAM in London run regular ones on the psychology of D/s for instance. If your going to a particular one an advert here for a partner may yield results. Be prepared to have done to you what you want to do to others as it is a good way to understand what works and why.

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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago

Up on them there hills

[Removed by poster at 26/12/18 20:01:17]

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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago

Up on them there hills

"Hands round the throat can be dangerous. The people I'm most likely to trust with risky stuff educate themselves about the risks.

Agreed, it’s more the placement of the hands with only a little squeeze. Nothing like asphyxiation as I wouldn’t do that.

Who taught Jay Wiseman?

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By *heIcebreakersCouple
over a year ago

Cramlington

"Hands round the throat can be dangerous. The people I'm most likely to trust with risky stuff educate themselves about the risks.

Agreed, it’s more the placement of the hands with only a little squeeze. Nothing like asphyxiation as I wouldn’t do that. "
We don't come here to run BDSM 101 for people who want to learn, but if I had to offer one piece of advice it would be to look at how people have had to tease information out of you on this thread, and then reflect on how that might look or feel to someone you're trying to persuade to trust you with your hands around their throat.

Mr icebreaker

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By *ensualMan
over a year ago

Sutton

Jay Wiseman is a long time respected writer and commentator on kink and one of the first to write about kink in a sensibly manner. Other well known writers and educators in the scene have respect for him from Midori, to Tristan Taomino to Graydancer.

Unfortunately Fab prevents sensible discussion by blocking certain words.

JW takes the view that st wrangulation cannot be done safely and should not be done at all.

As you are aware sy

Wrangulation falls into types. The first which is euphemistically called breath play and the second method I will call BC. I don't want to go into detail about BC as someone will try it without being trained or doing the research. But I know experienced people who love receiving it. For me it is not a sensible practice, high risk I don't do it.

Breath play falls for me into two types. Hands around the neck and other breath restriction. Hands around the neck has the advantage of not immediately restricting blood or oxygen to the brain. The problem is if not done right it can crack the tracchae. Therefore again not a sensible practice. Also inexperienced people may also accidentally perform a BC.

So I avoid squeezing around the neck. However hands around the neck alone can be a powerfully erotic sensation for some.

As mentioned there are other forms of breath play, such as positionsl asphyxiation, or our friend suffocation. These in my view are safer methods.

I apologise for being nerdy but I love BDSM and the safe practice of BDSM. Tops and Dom/mes need to know how to play safely. I have been on two breath play courses and read a lot on it. But subs and bottoms should also do their own research. They have a responsibility for their own safety.

On OP's original question. There is a lot of good advice on this thread.

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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago

Up on them there hills

"Jay Wiseman is a long time respected writer and commentator on kink and one of the first to write about kink in a sensibly manner. Other well known writers and educators in the scene have respect for him from Midori, to Tristan Taomino to Graydancer.

Unfortunately Fab prevents sensible discussion by blocking certain words.

JW takes the view that st wrangulation cannot be done safely and should not be done at all.

As you are aware sy

So I avoid squeezing around the neck. However hands around the neck alone can be a powerfully erotic sensation for some.

As mentioned there are other forms of breath play, such as positionsl asphyxiation, or our friend suffocation. These in my view are safer methods.

On OP's original question. There is a lot of good advice on this thread."

Who taught him though?

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By *tace 309TV/TS
over a year ago

durham

"Hands round the throat can be dangerous. The people I'm most likely to trust with risky stuff educate themselves about the risks. "
a very dangerous game to play .

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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago

Up on them there hills

"Hands round the throat can be dangerous. The people I'm most likely to trust with risky stuff educate themselves about the risks. a very dangerous game to play ."

Rubbish, external awareness and agreed boundaries and signals work. A simple object dropped by the hand calls the the boundary.

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