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First steps to the lifestyle - 4months in

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By *ipsSoSoft OP   Couple
28 weeks ago

Barnsley

So me and my wife are fairly new to this and like I hear a lot, it started out with me wanting my wife to sleep with another man which became a fantasy of mine about a year or so ago.

I sat down with her and explained my desire to see her with someone else but absolutely insisted it would only be if she was absolutely fully comfortable and happy to do so.

At first she was saying 80% against it but we sort of left it on back burner, over time we chatted more and it became quite obsessive for me as in I would think about it daily but never really believed it would happen. In this time I would speak about it,she would claim I can't love her if I want to see her with someone etc.

Anyway fast forward say 6 months and she had come round to idea and we had bad experience with a friend who had poor hygiene, it's then she came to me and said if we opening up like this I want us to do it as a couple and both be involved and do it with other couples..

So far we have had socials which was waste of time and we barely get any interest off the bat, it's us who sort of have to go finding which I don't mind but now we at a cross roads almost where I'm saying look I don't think it's going to happen anytime soon as a 4, the reality is I'm overweight, small cock, not great looking and so on which isn't being hard on self it's just reality, so maybe let's take baby steps where it may be that you sleep with someone if we find someone as like an entry to the lifestyle, now this is a bit of a sticky point as she really does want it to be as a 4 but I feel that would give us momentum from that, we are both on weight loss plan at moment she's 7 stone off since December and I'm half stone in this month and so maybe in time we become more appealing to couples but rather than wait forever for something to happen id like us to take some sort of steps.

Now this is where my questions is ....

Can any of you relate to how ours journey as been so far and if so how / what happened next to move things on?

Secondly, I am big on ensuring this lifestyle is just a part of our sex life rather than totally our sex life, I have at times got that wrong and that I know can be seen and felt as pressure to her but how do yous manage that in your relationships ?

Appreciate any replies

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By *asterMeliodasMan
28 weeks ago

Newmill

There are a number of moving parts here that I'll address:

First of all, becoming obsessive about the idea of something your wife isn't fully into is probably not great, which you've acknowledged yourself. What I'll advise you to do is be very vigilant to make sure you're never making your desires more important than her reluctances.

Secondly, I get that you think putting a tentative foot in the water by having her sleep with someone first before trying as a couple might be an easier journey, but from the sounds of it she doesn't actually really want to do that, so you may have to compromise somewhere.

Thirdly, I don't think I'd say socials are ever a waste of time. Even if you only meet a couple of new people, that's a couple you didn't know before, and you never know when a chance connection might lead to a web of further connections branching off of that eventually, whether it's from a chance invite they send you for a party or them knowing someone they think you'd be a perfect fit for and facilitating introductions.

I know it can be demoralising when you have a perceived lack of interest, but it may be a while of networking and putting your names and faces out there before you start seeing success. I can guarantee that your looks and cock size, while they can be a factor for some, won't matter to the people who are right for you. And remember that you already found one person who loves your attributes, and the chances that there isn't another one out there are slim to none.

I can almost guarantee that your most successful time in the lifestyle will come when you stop trying to force it to move along. Enjoy each other, attend socials, build up a network of people you click with, and good things will happen when they're meant to.

As long as you're ensuring you always listen to each other and stay on the same wavelength of what you're looking for and what you do and don't want, I think you'll do fine in not pressuring your wife. Just check in with her every now and again to make sure she's comfortable.

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By *ipsSoSoft OP   Couple
28 weeks ago

Barnsley

Thank you what a brilliant advisory reply and one I shall definitely take on board.

I will point out btw she isn't against sleeping with someone like full stop against it, her preference is though to play as 4.

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By *asterMeliodasMan
28 weeks ago

Newmill


"Thank you what a brilliant advisory reply and one I shall definitely take on board.

I will point out btw she isn't against sleeping with someone like full stop against it, her preference is though to play as 4."

I'm glad you've found it useful. Hope your journey is the one you're both looking for.

I was mainly basing that on you saying she was initially 80% opposed; I'd be vigilant in ensuring that her change of position wasn't due to any pressure you were putting on without realising it. Not saying it was, but we should always take these possibilities into account and not blindly assume anything, especially when it comes to our partners' happiness.

Meeting with a couple is in many ways almost as much of a challenge as finding women as a single guy, because you're not just establishing chemistry between two people. You have to find people who are into both of you, who you are both into. And that exponentially increases the number of positive impressions that need to happen for that to work.

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By *illan-KillashMan
28 weeks ago

London/Sussex/Surrey/Berks/Hants


"So me and my wife are fairly new to this and like I hear a lot, it started out with me wanting my wife to sleep with another man which became a fantasy of mine about a year or so ago.

I sat down with her and explained my desire to see her with someone else but absolutely insisted it would only be if she was absolutely fully comfortable and happy to do so.

At first she was saying 80% against it but we sort of left it on back burner, over time we chatted more and it became quite obsessive for me as in I would think about it daily but never really believed it would happen. In this time I would speak about it,she would claim I can't love her if I want to see her with someone etc.

Anyway fast forward say 6 months and she had come round to idea and we had bad experience with a friend who had poor hygiene, it's then she came to me and said if we opening up like this I want us to do it as a couple and both be involved and do it with other couples..

So far we have had socials which was waste of time and we barely get any interest off the bat, it's us who sort of have to go finding which I don't mind but now we at a cross roads almost where I'm saying look I don't think it's going to happen anytime soon as a 4, the reality is I'm overweight, small cock, not great looking and so on which isn't being hard on self it's just reality, so maybe let's take baby steps where it may be that you sleep with someone if we find someone as like an entry to the lifestyle, now this is a bit of a sticky point as she really does want it to be as a 4 but I feel that would give us momentum from that, we are both on weight loss plan at moment she's 7 stone off since December and I'm half stone in this month and so maybe in time we become more appealing to couples but rather than wait forever for something to happen id like us to take some sort of steps.

Now this is where my questions is ....

Can any of you relate to how ours journey as been so far and if so how / what happened next to move things on?

Secondly, I am big on ensuring this lifestyle is just a part of our sex life rather than totally our sex life, I have at times got that wrong and that I know can be seen and felt as pressure to her but how do yous manage that in your relationships ?

Appreciate any replies

"

It sounds like you've got the basic rule down, talking openly and honestly to each other and most important, listening and understanding what each of you want and don't want.

Best advice I can give is keep doing that and take your time.

I imagine that a couple finding a compatible couple is one of the hardest connections to make. 4 people who must be mutually attracted to each other.

4 diaries to align and add an extra diary for each child.

I'd suggest trying a club and appreciate that might be a step further than your journey is ready for.

Flipside you'll find more couples to chat to, all in one place. If you don't meet anyone you've still had a good night out.

As for your (the Mr) physical appearance, don't sweat it. Personality trumps appearance more times than you realise.

Good luck finding what you're looking for, enjoy the adventure.

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By *nightsoftheCoffeeTableCouple
28 weeks ago

Leeds

[Removed by poster at 15/07/24 14:37:46]

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By *nightsoftheCoffeeTableCouple
28 weeks ago

Leeds

Fab is hard work, finding 4 way attraction even harder that goes for anyone regardless of shape and size, if you feel like that's a factor in why your not meeting maybe show more pics of your physique up front, then you'll attract the people that like the look of you.

You sound like your both great at communicating which is brilliant!

Have you thought about popping along to some of the organised socials? I find them much easier for meeting people, face value is just so much better for me I struggle with online interaction.

Then there's clubs, they aren't for everyone but maybe worth a try.

I can't offer profile advice as you've not asked.

Good luck with your journey.

Mrs

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By *arryandhedgehogCouple
28 weeks ago

Thurrock

Advice already given is really good and will help. Our thoughts are maybe move some of your pics into friends only and post more general ones of you both together. Organised socials are really good to meet people and can lead to others things, visiting clubs can be nerve racking but are worth it and it’s a lot of fun once you’re relaxed. For what it’s worth if we were closer we would be happy to chat with a view to meeting.

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By *ackDMissMorganCouple
28 weeks ago

Halifax

Hi, I'm half a couple and can confirm it's v hard to meet other couples if you just reply on fab alone.

That's why we kept our single profiles to use.

As kotct have said, organised socials are great for meeting people and we've made more connections from those, than just being here.

Some of your pics are a bit too graphic for me, I prefer to see ones that leave something to the imagination. Plus I'd suggest more of you Mr if you can and a couple toghther.

They don't need to be naked, dressed up with heads cropped off are good. Just so people can get an idea of you both.

It's good you're listening to your wife, keep doing that and keep talking. Never do anything unless you're both comfortable and happy to do so,as your relationship is more important than swinging.

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By *ackDMissMorganCouple
28 weeks ago

Halifax

Sorry that's miss posting.

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By *afetyFirstCouple
28 weeks ago

Durham

Being in shape and attractive certainly helps but it's not everything mate. You need to be bale to talk to people and be able to hold a conversation.

People come in all shapes and sizes / ages / colours it's not a one size fits all lifestyle by any means.

Best advice....get to a club on a couples night and have a look for yourselves, it's a real eye opener and will give you a better understanding of the lifestyle than this website ever will.

D&T x

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By *ipsSoSoft OP   Couple
28 weeks ago

Barnsley

Thank you for all replies and inboxes. We have benefited from them for sure and give us some things to talk through. We also have acted on some advice about our profile too which was staring us in face we just didn't think how it could have been a massive put off for some.

Really do appreciate the advice and comments.

Hope you are all well

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By *asterMeliodasMan
28 weeks ago

Newmill


"Thank you for all replies and inboxes. We have benefited from them for sure and give us some things to talk through. We also have acted on some advice about our profile too which was staring us in face we just didn't think how it could have been a massive put off for some.

Really do appreciate the advice and comments.

Hope you are all well "

There's one other thing in the profile I meant to mention to you: capitalising every word in a sentence can make it hard to read and I know that would put some people off. Is there a particular reason you've done that?

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By *ipsSoSoft OP   Couple
28 weeks ago

Barnsley


"Thank you for all replies and inboxes. We have benefited from them for sure and give us some things to talk through. We also have acted on some advice about our profile too which was staring us in face we just didn't think how it could have been a massive put off for some.

Really do appreciate the advice and comments.

Hope you are all well

There's one other thing in the profile I meant to mention to you: capitalising every word in a sentence can make it hard to read and I know that would put some people off. Is there a particular reason you've done that?"

Haha that's the missus and her weird and wonderful ways. One of them things I stand back and think ' erm whyyy ?? "

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By *ackDMissMorganCouple
28 weeks ago

Halifax


"Thank you for all replies and inboxes. We have benefited from them for sure and give us some things to talk through. We also have acted on some advice about our profile too which was staring us in face we just didn't think how it could have been a massive put off for some.

Really do appreciate the advice and comments.

Hope you are all well "

Well done, your profile looks much better now with the pics you're showing.

Good luck

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