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Awkward meets

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By *herryblossom_BJ OP   Woman
over a year ago

Oxfordshire/Hampshire

What if you went on a meet and the person tried to get you to do something you weren't comfortable with? Firm no or carry on to just please and not cause a scene?

Do you still continue to speak to that person afterwards or stop altogether?

Btw you quite like the person but it did annoy you they tried to get you to do something you didn't really want to do.

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By *nightsoftheCoffeeTableCouple
over a year ago

Leeds

For me it would be a firm no, otherwise they may not understand your uncomfortable, if they carried on it would be a block and no longer speak, if they stopped I'd probably still chat depending how far they pushed the subject.

Mrs

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"What if you went on a meet and the person tried to get you to do something you weren't comfortable with? Firm no or carry on to just please and not cause a scene?

Do you still continue to speak to that person afterwards or stop altogether?

Btw you quite like the person but it did annoy you they tried to get you to do something you didn't really want to do. "

From a guy’s perspective - if you don’t feel comfortable with something I’m doing or have asked you to do I want you to tell me. The last thing I want somebody else to do is feel uncomfortable with my actions. If you say no and then he carries on then it becomes sexual assault - which I really hope hasn’t happened and if it does then you (or the person you may be asking this question for) needs to get the right support.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If they mention it once, it would be a film no.

If they kept mentioning it, then I'd leave.

If they can't accept no, that .makes them unsafe to play with.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If a firm no isn't respected then I'm out of there. It's not safe or fun to be pushed out of your boundary zone. Simple as that

Mrs C

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"If they mention it once, it would be a film no.

If they kept mentioning it, then I'd leave.

If they can't accept no, that .makes them unsafe to play with. "

Yep. Same here

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By *ittlebirdWoman
over a year ago

The Big Smoke


"If they mention it once, it would be a film no.

If they kept mentioning it, then I'd leave.

If they can't accept no, that .makes them unsafe to play with. "

Absolutely this. Consent is not negotiable. Ever.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Did you tell the person you weren't comfortable with the request?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It all depends what they want me to do, how fare outside of my boundaries they want to go, I’m usually ok with stretching the limits a little.

And if I block them or not is dependent if they understood NO or not…..

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By *eard and BoobsCouple
over a year ago

Portstewart

Honestly we would tell them to clear off and there would be no more chances. We think that you only get the 1 chance with us

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Huge red flag.

There would be no second chances.

Same with messaging on here. As soon as they start trying to cross boundaries they’re gone.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"If they mention it once, it would be a film no.

If they kept mentioning it, then I'd leave.

If they can't accept no, that .makes them unsafe to play with. "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This has happened to me.

I didn't want to make it awkward so I carried on.

And I continue to speak to them

I didn't feel coerced. I could have said no.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This has happened to me already. The firm no didn’t work so I got up and left. It put us off meeting anyone for a long time.

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By *asques and boxersCouple
over a year ago

Ashford and dept16

That is precisely why we always do a social. Gives us the abikity to explain what we like and dont like listern to their take on that and their drsires and limits. Asses their personalities.

If the are pushing for a clear boundairy change tell them that wont be happening. If it continues its a no full stop, this is about respecting otgrrs and them respecting you its suppost be pleasure not pressure.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The meet would be over as boundaries are always discussed before hand. I wouldn't continue talking to them as someone who doesn't want me to be comfortable is not someone I want to share my bed with.

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By *teve261970Man
over a year ago

Gateshead


"If they mention it once, it would be a film no.

If they kept mentioning it, then I'd leave.

If they can't accept no, that .makes them unsafe to play with. "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Depends on what kind of not comfortable we are talking about here and how "suggestive" it was. Also wether the conversation was speculative and exploratory or persuasive.

Personally no matter how keen I am on someone I'll say if I'm not happy to try something if I'm not. Now sometimes I will try things I am unsure of but that's on a case by case basis.

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By *ohn KanakaMan
over a year ago

Not all that North of North London

Though i rarely meet, when I do there is a high focus on D/s and boundaries are negotiated before a meet.

But no means no and I'd not play with someone who didn't respect this and id be horrified if anyone I played with would thought they couldn't say no or call red.

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By *ornycougaWoman
over a year ago

Wherever I lay my hat

No means no. If they accept it first time, that's fine. If they persist then I would (and have) slung them out/left and chose to have no further contact.

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By *inballs99Man
over a year ago

Blackheath

We all have boundaries that need to be respected!! If you decide what is proposed might actually be fun and safe then it's your call but otherwise retreat respectfully and maybe talk about it more when you're in a safe place (not naked together) !

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Would be a firm no and if he didn't accept that then it wouldn't matter if I liked him because I'd leave

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By *issmorganWoman
over a year ago

Calderdale innit


"If they mention it once, it would be a film no.

If they kept mentioning it, then I'd leave.

If they can't accept no, that .makes them unsafe to play with. "

Totally this

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By *inger_SnapWoman
over a year ago

Hampshire/Dorset

I always have a conversation before about definite no no's.

During I'll just say I don't want to do that, I'm done with going along with things I'm not comfortable with, you'll just feel shit after.

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By *thfloorCouple
over a year ago

Hove

IMO there is a negotiation element in consent and sometimes in the heat of the moment you may do something you normally wouldn't choose to do. I allow minor consent "violations" because communication can never be 100%. This excludes obviously deliberate manipulation or continuous pressure to do something I've explicitly said I didn't want to do.

I would (and have) continue talking to someone after such a fallout IF I was convinced it was a miscommunication, that there was no ill-intent, and that they understood it was a failure. In other words I'd talk to them about what happened and gauge their reactions. It's a case of learning from mistakes and rebuilding trust - if they can't do the former I won't do the latter.

OP (and everyone) I hope you never do something you 100% do not want to just to remain agreeable. People won't love you more for pleasing them. Learn to say NO, protect your boundaries - it's annoying that it's like this but you'll get more respect for it.

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By *ustBoWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere in Co. Down

It wouldn't matter if I liked the person or not if they asked about something I didn't want to do it would be a firm.biy polite no. If they kept pushing their own agenda then it would be a no and I would leave and that would be the end of any contact.

But this is why I always meet for a social before anything else happens and yes sometimes when you meet the second time someone can try and push things they want but I've no interest in doing things I know I don't or won't enjoy so I no longer have any issue in saying no if I have to. It's only ever an issue if they don't listen.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"IMO there is a negotiation element in consent and sometimes in the heat of the moment you may do something you normally wouldn't choose to do. I allow minor consent "violations" because communication can never be 100%. This excludes obviously deliberate manipulation or continuous pressure to do something I've explicitly said I didn't want to do.

I would (and have) continue talking to someone after such a fallout IF I was convinced it was a miscommunication, that there was no ill-intent, and that they understood it was a failure. In other words I'd talk to them about what happened and gauge their reactions. It's a case of learning from mistakes and rebuilding trust - if they can't do the former I won't do the latter.

***OP (and everyone) I hope you never do something you 100% do not want to just to remain agreeable. People won't love you more for pleasing them. Learn to say NO, protect your boundaries - it's annoying that it's like this but you'll get more respect for it.***"

***

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By *penbicoupleCouple
over a year ago

Northampton


"What if you went on a meet and the person tried to get you to do something you weren't comfortable with? Firm no or carry on to just please and not cause a scene?"

Firm no and goodbye. Causing or scene (or not) wouldn't be a consideration.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"What if you went on a meet and the person tried to get you to do something you weren't comfortable with? Firm no or carry on to just please and not cause a scene?

Do you still continue to speak to that person afterwards or stop altogether?

Btw you quite like the person but it did annoy you they tried to get you to do something you didn't really want to do. "

Set your boundaries and say no. Then walk away. I’ve done things I didn’t want to before and years later it still annoys me.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I always ask for 'rules' before a meet. Some people don't like kissing, some people do or don't want to use condoms, some people only want oral. If you ask up front and are respectful during the meet then there shouldn't be any problems during it really.

If something does come up then it's just "No, sorry I don't like that"

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By *herryblossom_BJ OP   Woman
over a year ago

Oxfordshire/Hampshire

On this occasion we didn't discuss beforehand as I thought it's just a social meet just incase. But it ended up he was super hot in person. Just didn't like what he asked me to do though which is a great shame

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By *ickD80Man
over a year ago

Wolverhampton

No one should ever do anything they aren’t comfortable doing just to please the person they’re with, I understand that it’s not always easy to say no (I’ve been in a similar position myself) but it’s a lot easier than dealing with how it feels after you’ve done something you really didn’t want to do. If you say no and your partner tries to change your mind then it’s a pretty obvious warning that you need to get as far away as possible from the person, and stay away from them. To be honest, that should be a general rule in life, not just in sexual situations, but in any situation. You’re your own person and you don’t need to do anything you don’t want to do just to please someone else.

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By *inksAPlentyCouple
over a year ago

Bedfordshire


"On this occasion we didn't discuss beforehand as I thought it's just a social meet just incase. But it ended up he was super hot in person. Just didn't like what he asked me to do though which is a great shame"

In your original post you said he 'tried to get you to do something', it reads as if he was trying to persuade you. Here you say you didn't like what he asked you to do - this sounds like he asked you to do something but he was asking how you felt about doing it.

Was it a social that led to play and in the heat of the moment he asked you to do something you didn't feel comfortable doing? Or was it something he kept trying to persuade you to do?

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By *inksAPlentyCouple
over a year ago

Bedfordshire

But just to answer your original questions, no means no. I have stopped a meet in the past because somebody was doing something that hurt me (they were being too rough). I asked them to stop doing what they were doing - twice. When they still didn't stop I ended the meet.

Nobody should ever do something they don't want to do just to please somebody else.

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By *izzy.miss.lizzyCouple
over a year ago

Pembrokeshire

you don't have to do what you don't want to and no is no,

if somebody pushes you they can go do one and block them.

Just because being on here indicates we are swingers, it doesn't mean we are up for anything.

Disrespect is not a given and anyone showing it needs to adjust their thinking swiftly.

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By *rs322Woman
over a year ago

Shirley

Firm not for me! They clearly have no respect for others

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By *ickD80Man
over a year ago

Wolverhampton


"On this occasion we didn't discuss beforehand as I thought it's just a social meet just incase. But it ended up he was super hot in person. Just didn't like what he asked me to do though which is a great shame

In your original post you said he 'tried to get you to do something', it reads as if he was trying to persuade you. Here you say you didn't like what he asked you to do - this sounds like he asked you to do something but he was asking how you felt about doing it.

Was it a social that led to play and in the heat of the moment he asked you to do something you didn't feel comfortable doing? Or was it something he kept trying to persuade you to do? "

I was a bit confused by this and I was going to post something simple to what you’ve said but then I thought that maybe she meant he asked her to do it, she said no but he wouldn’t accept no as an answer and kept asking her to do it and trying to change her mind. I’m not sure though, I’m just guessing as it’s not clear at all.

If he asked her to do something and she said no and he accepted that and didn’t mention it again then I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that as there was no discussion about limits beforehand.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Had a few

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By *herryblossom_BJ OP   Woman
over a year ago

Oxfordshire/Hampshire


"On this occasion we didn't discuss beforehand as I thought it's just a social meet just incase. But it ended up he was super hot in person. Just didn't like what he asked me to do though which is a great shame

In your original post you said he 'tried to get you to do something', it reads as if he was trying to persuade you. Here you say you didn't like what he asked you to do - this sounds like he asked you to do something but he was asking how you felt about doing it.

Was it a social that led to play and in the heat of the moment he asked you to do something you didn't feel comfortable doing? Or was it something he kept trying to persuade you to do?

I was a bit confused by this and I was going to post something simple to what you’ve said but then I thought that maybe she meant he asked her to do it, she said no but he wouldn’t accept no as an answer and kept asking her to do it and trying to change her mind. I’m not sure though, I’m just guessing as it’s not clear at all.

If he asked her to do something and she said no and he accepted that and didn’t mention it again then I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that as there was no discussion about limits beforehand. "

That's right tried twice to get me to do something. I said no both times and then left.

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By *herryblossom_BJ OP   Woman
over a year ago

Oxfordshire/Hampshire


"On this occasion we didn't discuss beforehand as I thought it's just a social meet just incase. But it ended up he was super hot in person. Just didn't like what he asked me to do though which is a great shame

In your original post you said he 'tried to get you to do something', it reads as if he was trying to persuade you. Here you say you didn't like what he asked you to do - this sounds like he asked you to do something but he was asking how you felt about doing it.

Was it a social that led to play and in the heat of the moment he asked you to do something you didn't feel comfortable doing? Or was it something he kept trying to persuade you to do? "

Not sure if I'm allowed to go into the details without breaking forum rules?

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By *inksAPlentyCouple
over a year ago

Bedfordshire


"On this occasion we didn't discuss beforehand as I thought it's just a social meet just incase. But it ended up he was super hot in person. Just didn't like what he asked me to do though which is a great shame

In your original post you said he 'tried to get you to do something', it reads as if he was trying to persuade you. Here you say you didn't like what he asked you to do - this sounds like he asked you to do something but he was asking how you felt about doing it.

Was it a social that led to play and in the heat of the moment he asked you to do something you didn't feel comfortable doing? Or was it something he kept trying to persuade you to do?

I was a bit confused by this and I was going to post something simple to what you’ve said but then I thought that maybe she meant he asked her to do it, she said no but he wouldn’t accept no as an answer and kept asking her to do it and trying to change her mind. I’m not sure though, I’m just guessing as it’s not clear at all.

If he asked her to do something and she said no and he accepted that and didn’t mention it again then I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that as there was no discussion about limits beforehand.

That's right tried twice to get me to do something. I said no both times and then left."

I'm sorry you experienced this - you did the right thing by leaving.

Do you have anybody you can talk to about what happened? I find talking things over helps me to process things.

Ms x

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By *herryblossom_BJ OP   Woman
over a year ago

Oxfordshire/Hampshire


"On this occasion we didn't discuss beforehand as I thought it's just a social meet just incase. But it ended up he was super hot in person. Just didn't like what he asked me to do though which is a great shame

In your original post you said he 'tried to get you to do something', it reads as if he was trying to persuade you. Here you say you didn't like what he asked you to do - this sounds like he asked you to do something but he was asking how you felt about doing it.

Was it a social that led to play and in the heat of the moment he asked you to do something you didn't feel comfortable doing? Or was it something he kept trying to persuade you to do?

I was a bit confused by this and I was going to post something simple to what you’ve said but then I thought that maybe she meant he asked her to do it, she said no but he wouldn’t accept no as an answer and kept asking her to do it and trying to change her mind. I’m not sure though, I’m just guessing as it’s not clear at all.

If he asked her to do something and she said no and he accepted that and didn’t mention it again then I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that as there was no discussion about limits beforehand.

That's right tried twice to get me to do something. I said no both times and then left.

I'm sorry you experienced this - you did the right thing by leaving.

Do you have anybody you can talk to about what happened? I find talking things over helps me to process things.

Ms x"

Oh it's ok. No biggy. Just curious how to deal with it if it happens again. Guess just have to tell them my terms and conditions before a meet. Just thought it might be off putting having all that thrown at you before even meeting

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