FabSwingers.com forum: Definition of "sub"

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Please can someone clear this up for me? This is an issue that I have run into too many times to count and is actually really starting to get on my nerves.

What is most people's definition of a sub?

Judging by the messages and replies I get on here way too many men seem to think that a sub should be happy to fuck anyone that asks them. Even a polite "no thanks" will sometimes result in messages along the lines of "you're not a sub then are you". Or even if I'm feeling sassy and send a sarcastic reply back to an obnoxious or disgusting message I get "call yourself a sub?!" etc etc. In fact I literally just got a message saying "wrong kind of sub for me then" when I replied to someone saying I wasn't interested. Are subs not allowed to have minds of their own then? Or is there something I'm missing? Seems like a lot of people on here get mixed up between subs and slaves...

Okay I can be sassy and sarcastic and generally like to be in control in my everyday life. That doesn't mean I can't or don't enjoy being submissive in bed. Why is that so hard to understand?!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think it means different things to different people. But it only means submissive, not 'submissive to anyone that comes along, all of the time' and anyone who tries to make you feel that way is just trying to guilt you into sex.

You're submissive in the bedroom? That's totally fine and valid, you aren't less of a sub because you won't fuck random 'doms' or because you aren't in a 24/7 d/s dynamic.

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By *lice MaliceWoman
over a year ago

The Facility

The thing about submissives is that they're not submissive to everyone.

Anyone who comments negatively isn't the kind of person you want anywhere near you. Be glad that they show themselves up as totally unsuitable and block them as fast as you can.

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By *uietlyKinkyUsCouple
over a year ago

midlands

I think it is less to do with the word sub and more to do with the fact it's a rejection.

My female friends that don't mention sub/domme get the same stupid messages with a rejection

Porn and other stuff has taught certain people that 'submissive' is a sexually passive person

The reality is so far removed but they only see the rejection

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Am submissive to females only not men. And am a domestic submissive. I like to clean etc.

There's far to many different types of submissives to go into.

But trust and a good Safe word.And talking and making sure that everyone understands your rules and boundaries. Plus you have to have it in your head what you are looking for and do a bit of research.

Trust, feel safe and don't be scared to say no and stop play.

And start small find out the wee kinks 1st before you start on the big stuff

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Pretty sure you could write "I'm a banana looking to be peeled by a sexy gorilla" and you'd get the exact same, copy-pasted messages demanding you give these men the sex they think they're entitled to.

Block and delete on contact. It's better for you, and better for the rest of us too.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I might be getting the wrong end of the stick, but to me, sub is when you do what your Dom/Domme asks you to, without questions, or risk punishment otherwise. And when you take whatever your Dom/Domme throws at you.

I used to have a Dom long time ago, when I was exploring bondage. He would set me tasks, some to explore my sexuality, but also some to explore my mind and my intelligence. So it wasn't strictly sexual. When we met, I explored a range of bondage equipment and bondage techniques, with him being in charge all the time.

But just because I was a sub, I wouldn't have fucked everyone and anyone. That's not the point.

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By *ister KinkyMan
over a year ago

Sussex

"Please can someone clear this up for me? This is an issue that I have run into too many times to count and is actually really starting to get on my nerves.

What is most people's definition of a sub?

Okay I can be sassy and sarcastic and generally like to be in control in my everyday life. That doesn't mean I can't or don't enjoy being submissive in bed. Why is that so hard to understand?! "

This is typical of the uneducated on the matter sadly

As a sub you have the right to choose who you submit to, how and in what circumstances.

If you get contact from people who treat you like this on here, I’d just use the block button like a full stop.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Guessing it’s the same uneducated members that think dominance and abusive are the same thing

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Guessing it’s the same uneducated members that think dominance and abusive are the same thing"

This is exactly why I'm wary of calling myself "a Dom". Too many "Doms" (actually abusers) have given it a bad name and I don't want to be associated with them.

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By *inja 636Man
over a year ago

Grays

In any role dom or sub it's about respect and boundaries I'm no expert but that how I feel it should be a pleasurable experience

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

True D/S involves some sort of relationship to build trust, understanding and respect and explore mutual desires... In my experience the D has got most pleasure out of fulfilling the S needs

Unfortunately i imagine your user name makes you an easy target for clueless idiots

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My take on being a sub is that really we hold the real control.

It's up to me who I give my control over to and how much of me they can dictate.

I expect any dom I engage with to respect my boundaries and wishes above anything else.

If they don't it's a good thing I'm an ankle biter

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 20/12/19 20:14:19]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

For me, the pleasure isn't in forcing a girl to do something they don't want to, but taking something they didn't want to do and getting them to the point where they beg for it, to internalise it as their new fantasy and crave it more than anything.

Of course, "force" is fun in-scene. But that's entirely different.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"True D/S involves some sort of relationship to build trust, understanding and respect and explore mutual desires... In my experience the D has got most pleasure out of fulfilling the S needs

Unfortunately i imagine your user name makes you an easy target for clueless idiots

Good point, I hadn't thought of this. It's the same one I use on the other big kink site and it hasn't caused me any bother so far. Nevertheless I've requested a username change.

I'm glad I started this thread; it's restored my faith that there's actual educated, thoughtful and rational people still left on here. Thanks everyone

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"My take on being a sub is that really we hold the real control"

This

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Am submissive to females only not men. And am a domestic submissive. I like to clean etc.

And what your opinion on ironing too

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

im sexually submissive ie I like the man to lead and control sexually nothing to do with kinks just simply sexually submissive .... yet I get every bdsm dom contact me of course its a blessing as I can just block as the op suggest sub can mean many many things

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

don't let other people define you. You be you

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Am submissive to females only not men. And am a domestic submissive. I like to clean etc.

And what your opinion on ironing too

This is a tongue in cheek reply (bit of fun)... I’ve played submissive but stopped because I couldn’t get my head round to lows afterwards (sub drop) it is lots of fun tho xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I’m my opinion it’s about consent. I consent to playing with someone and the boundaries we might acknowledge are discussed and negotiated. If it’s d:s play then as a submissive, the agreement will include the extent of power exchange. The thing about ad hoc approaches that may sometimes be aggressive or insulting, is that the sender hasn’t sought to secure consent; boundaries haven’t been established. What is a sub? Whatever she and her d - type partner have agreed.

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By *hoenixcouplexxCouple
over a year ago

Leicestershire

Good question I suspect it will be different to everyone as it is such a personal thing, for me it is:

A sub is a person that chooses to offered their submission within an agreed set of boundaries to their chosen D type, be that urelt sexual or otherwise.

Whom in return offers their Dominance within the same agreed boundaries. Once agreement is met ALL parties involved have the right to hold the other accountable to those boundaries.

In your position I would ask what do YOU offer as a Dominant/Domme.

No one has the right to tell you that you are not a submissive if that is what you consider yourself to be, only that you do not fit with what they are looking for.

In my experience any Dominant or Domme worth the title does not want a doormat as their chosen submissive and often will try to teach that to a submissive that doesnt understand his or her rights.

To offer submission takes an inherent trust and inner strength that many self considered D types miss entirely.

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By *uHorny1Man
over a year ago

Cannock

"The thing about submissives is that they're not submissive to everyone.

Anyone who comments negatively isn't the kind of person you want anywhere near you. Be glad that they show themselves up as totally unsuitable and block them as fast as you can."

This is absolutely correct. There are so many wannabe Doms who think it's all about getting their own way, with no realisation that the submissive is in control- starting with who they are submissive to.

There are also those who like doing submissive things but would never say they are a submissive. I used to see someone who loved spanking- real hard, painful spanking, but it was never done in a D/s scenario. (We both laughed a lot while it was going on) But it was still all about trust- she trusted me to give it everything I had, but stop when I knew she had enough.

These jokers don't fo that. If they ever they ever got the chance to "have a sub", I'd dread to think what damage they might do.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"My take on being a sub is that really we hold the real control

This

That's called topping from the bottom. Which is fine, people should play anyway they're comfortable with. There's no one true way or anything. But no, I don't hold the control in my dynamic. I've been collared to my dom for almost seven years. I don't have many rules as he's not a micromanager but those I do have I keep meticulously. I know what's expected of me and I make sure I deliver it. I'm treasured and spoilt and valued and taken care of as a sub and a woman but I'm certainly not in control of anything. He's in charge, always has been and that's how we both need it to be.

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By *eviantdeeliteCouple
over a year ago

Cheltenham

"Please can someone clear this up for me? This is an issue that I have run into too many times to count and is actually really starting to get on my nerves.

What is most people's definition of a sub?

Okay I can be sassy and sarcastic and generally like to be in control in my everyday life. That doesn't mean I can't or don't enjoy being submissive in bed. Why is that so hard to understand?! "

Why worry about everyone else’s definition of a sub....you meet who you want to meet....if they get narky because you have rejected them, then delete and ignore....I am a sub, and I submit only to those deserving....if in their conversation they talk to me like shit then they are not deserving of my submission, full stop

Guys think subs are weak....and they are so far from the truth it is ridiculous.....too many people watching 50 shades of shite and thinking they know about sub/Dom dynamics.....they know jack shit.....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Well im a sub to my partner never felt close enough to other wo en to submiss

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Totally agree I think the sub holds the power in some respect

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Totally agree being submissive

Doesn’t mean we want to fuck anybody and everybody. It’s about for me being controlled and led and also wanting to please and be pleased

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I often get asked if I’m sub or Dom. I’m neither

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Please can someone clear this up for me? This is an issue that I have run into too many times to count and is actually really starting to get on my nerves.

What is most people's definition of a sub?

Okay I can be sassy and sarcastic and generally like to be in control in my everyday life. That doesn't mean I can't or don't enjoy being submissive in bed. Why is that so hard to understand?! "

Depends on the definition you are referring to..

Originally the word SUB is derived from Latin loanwords such as subvert and subtract. Collectively meaning below.

Such labelling causes misconception through association. "Dominant mr Grey wannabes" Think u want orderd around. Most dont realise that its a 2 way street of pleasure and the sub is generally the one in actual control.

P.s dont tell them this as they will feel emasculated which will totally fuck their buzz.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Don't get pissed off about it. Just be glad they are showing you their mindset. Yeah it gets repetitive. And frustrating. But think of it as a necessary evil to ensure you don't land up in the hands of a so-called Dom that has no interest in your well-being or happiness x

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By *hesquirtinatorMan
over a year ago

manchester spain la zenia

"Please can someone clear this up for me? This is an issue that I have run into too many times to count and is actually really starting to get on my nerves.

What is most people's definition of a sub?

Okay I can be sassy and sarcastic and generally like to be in control in my everyday life. That doesn't mean I can't or don't enjoy being submissive in bed. Why is that so hard to understand?! "

Welcome to fabs my dear we’re rejection is very hard for some people on here !!!

You can be a sub in any form but not one that will literally s&£& anything that moves

Block button comes in handy as well xx

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By *heIcebreakersCouple
over a year ago

Cramlington

"Please can someone clear this up for me? This is an issue that I have run into too many times to count and is actually really starting to get on my nerves.

What is most people's definition of a sub?

Okay I can be sassy and sarcastic and generally like to be in control in my everyday life. That doesn't mean I can't or don't enjoy being submissive in bed. Why is that so hard to understand?! "

Don't allow dickheads to define you

A better question is what's the definition of a Dom?

Here's a clue - a man who thinks a stranger on the internet owes him respect is a snozzcumber not a Dom. Sadly too many men think 50 shades of shite is a how to guide not a series of red flags

Ms Icebreaker

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Don't get pissed off about it. Just be glad they are showing you their mindset. Yeah it gets repetitive. And frustrating. But think of it as a necessary evil to ensure you don't land up in the hands of a so-called Dom that has no interest in your well-being or happiness x"

This

I look at it similarly - all part of the vetting process.

I have soo many trigger/warning signs in my head now when reading messages it's why I block so many people.

The second I am made to feel like a meat sack to someone else its a rapid few clicks before they are gone from sight.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Please can someone clear this up for me? This is an issue that I have run into too many times to count and is actually really starting to get on my nerves.

What is most people's definition of a sub?

Okay I can be sassy and sarcastic and generally like to be in control in my everyday life. That doesn't mean I can't or don't enjoy being submissive in bed. Why is that so hard to understand?!

Don't allow dickheads to define you

A better question is what's the definition of a Dom?

Here's a clue - a man who thinks a stranger on the internet owes him respect is a snozzcumber not a Dom. Sadly too many men think 50 shades of shite is a how to guide not a series of red flags

Ms Icebreaker "
or as they are known on the fetish scene a Dimdom saddly there are alot of them about

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

To me it would suggest choosing to say to someone I'm yours. Definitely not an open invitation saying Im everyones.

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By *ictoriaathomeTV/TS
over a year ago

Huddersfield

Being submissive is how you react with a certain person or persons, it dosnt mean your a play thing for everybody and anybody.

Respect from both partys (or persons if your lucky) is what makes it work.

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By *r_Jake70Man
over a year ago

London

I think, as this, and other threads have illustrated on many occasions, that submission (and Dominance) are whatever a couple choose them to be at any given point in time. There are no fixed definitions, and both exist on a spectrum that is fluid and subject to change as and when appropriate. That BDSM can, but doesn’t have to play a part in the dynamic, and that consent should always be respected even at those points when it is pushed against or altered according to what feels best. The most importance thing (in my experience) is that both parties are fulfilled by their time together, that boundaries are set and adhered to (with room for tightening or loosening as necessary) and that through the experience that both parties show the utmost of care and consideration for each other. The whole point (as with all things) I’d that everyone enjoys their time together and is fulfilled by the experience.

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By *teveanddebsCouple
over a year ago

Norwich

I'll define messages like

"You're not a true sub then"

"Call yourself submissive"

and the like as a great way to filter out the wannabe "doms"

You can just imagine him with his old school Ann Summers utility belt with an el cheapo flogger, crop and fluffy handcuffs hanging off it

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By *rank59Man
over a year ago

Northwich

As some one who has had the pleasure of working with a few subs (both male and female), I would agree with the majority of comments on here. The relationship takes time to mature and as to who has the real power? prob the sub. All my subs have trusted me completely (within the agreed bounds). They are treated with respect in every way (except the agreed times and ways). Does this include fucking others? yes but ONLY if that is within the agreed boundaries (and the people are VERY well vetted first!). The Dom/sub relationship is a complex one that works on many levels. I have had subs that want verbally abusing(*) but not physically. Others (within very strict boundaries) want some form of physical abuse(*) but not verbally.

(*) ALL 'abuse' is strictly within agreed boundaries and in every other respect they are treated with the greatest of respect at all times.

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By *rank59Man
over a year ago

Northwich

"I'll define messages like

"You're not a true sub then"

"Call yourself submissive"

and the like as a great way to filter out the wannabe "doms"

You can just imagine him with his old school Ann Summers utility belt with an el cheapo flogger, crop and fluffy handcuffs hanging off it

Nearly spilt my coffee with this one!(so true!) lol

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By *eavenNhellCouple
over a year ago

carrbrook stalybridge

"I'll define messages like

"You're not a true sub then"

"Call yourself submissive"

and the like as a great way to filter out the wannabe "doms"

You can just imagine him with his old school Ann Summers utility belt with an el cheapo flogger, crop and fluffy handcuffs hanging off it

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By *teveanddebsCouple
over a year ago

Norwich

"I'll define messages like

"You're not a true sub then"

"Call yourself submissive"

and the like as a great way to filter out the wannabe "doms"

You can just imagine him with his old school Ann Summers utility belt with an el cheapo flogger, crop and fluffy handcuffs hanging off it

Don't forget the image in your mind of him stood in front of a mirror practising "On your knees bitch"

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By *atex and KinkCouple
over a year ago

Edinburgh

Dear Amber.

In any relationship there are key requirements

Communication

Boundardies

Consent

This is the basic key to all roles in life. From workplace to shopping to relationships to sexual adventures.

You can breakdown anything you do into these three components.

You wouldn't agree to you boss making you working 100hrs aweek.

Same goes for a male telling you to fuck every guy he tells you too.

Individually. Everyone comes with your own set of rules.

They guide us. Shape us. They can be expanded or retracted by us.

But it is you who decides......

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Don't forget the image in your mind of him stood in front of a mirror practising "On your knees bitch"

Exactly. A Dom doesn’t force a submissive to kneel. He inspires her to.

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By *wickermanMan
over a year ago

Staines

"My take on being a sub is that really we hold the real control "

That's topping from the bottom. Which is fine, people should play anyway they're comfortable with. There's no one true way or anything. But no, I don't hold the control in my dynamic. I've been collared to my dom for almost seven years. I don't have many rules as he's not a micromanager but those I do have I keep meticulously. I know what's expected of me and I make sure I deliver it. I'm treasured and spoilt and valued and taken care of as a sub and a woman but I'm certainly not in control of anything. He's in charge, always has been and that's how we both need it to be. "

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By *ust_A_Tease_To_PleaseWoman
over a year ago

South Wales: Newport, Chepstow

For me, I define a sub as someone who wants to follow, and a Dom as someone who wants to lead.

As simple as that.

That can look like anything - so it is down to the individuals to work out what works for them, what they are willing to do, not williy to do, and who is a suitable partner.

Most people are incompatible with most people, and that's ok. If they are rude or ignore what you want to do (your boundaries) then block and move on. There is nothing wrong with being incompatible - it's nothing personal.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A sub is the person who holds all the power in the sexual relationship and can weild it in a single safe word.

Through a decision most commonly made based on earned trust, delicate care and deeply respected emotional responsibility, they submit some of that power to their chosen dom partner.

Not to be confused with those who are belittled bullied or treated without consideration or respect. That's simply called abuse.

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By *osmosgirlWoman
over a year ago

Wetherby

My submission is a precious gift that I give only to someone I trust and know they have my physical and mental welfare at heart.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm submissive, but only to those who earn it. I hold that power and I can choose who, when and where it is given.

My experience when I first started exploring D/s is that there are a LOT of men who just don't like women very much and so call themselves 'Doms' because they want to hurt or control women. They don't understand the dynamic at all but boy, they love to tell you what they think you are doing wrong!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"My experience when I first started exploring D/s is that there are a LOT of men who just don't like women very much and so call themselves 'Doms' because they want to hurt or control women."

So many women I speak to seem to have this as their first experience of the scene. Unfortunately it attracts abusive people, and newbies bear the brunt of the abuse.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Pretty sure you could write "I'm a banana looking to be peeled by a sexy gorilla" and you'd get the exact same, copy-pasted messages demanding you give these men the sex they think they're entitled to.

Block and delete on contact. It's better for you, and better for the rest of us too."

Hmmm. This could be a little bit of fun if we put that about the banana as our status updates! And await the incoming flux of messages lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"True D/S involves some sort of relationship to build trust, understanding and respect and explore mutual desires... In my experience the D has got most pleasure out of fulfilling the S needs

Unfortunately i imagine your user name makes you an easy target for clueless idiots

Good point, I hadn't thought of this. It's the same one I use on the other big kink site and it hasn't caused me any bother so far. Nevertheless I've requested a username change.

I'm glad I started this thread; it's restored my faith that there's actual educated, thoughtful and rational people still left on here. Thanks everyone

The other sites have a greater maturity / awareness of the D/S scenario.. . In fairness i wouldn't expect the majority of fab users to to have as great a level of understanding of the dynamic... I like your new name, happy fabbing x

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By *oneyBear100Couple
over a year ago

Gatwick area

Submissive to who you chose to be and when you chose. The sub holds the reins and chooses to give them to someone/s else to lead

That may be a scene or may be a lifestyle choice.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"My experience when I first started exploring D/s is that there are a LOT of men who just don't like women very much and so call themselves 'Doms' because they want to hurt or control women.

So many women I speak to seem to have this as their first experience of the scene. Unfortunately it attracts abusive people, and newbies bear the brunt of the abuse."

It is unfortunately the case. I learnt the hard way. But learn I did!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Please can someone clear this up for me? This is an issue that I have run into too many times to count and is actually really starting to get on my nerves.

What is most people's definition of a sub?

Okay I can be sassy and sarcastic and generally like to be in control in my everyday life. That doesn't mean I can't or don't enjoy being submissive in bed. Why is that so hard to understand?! "

I have had lots of this, one message in particular stood out to me as it said that it was incongruous to ask for a dom and then make demands in my profile. The word demand was their failing as they clearly didn't recognise that what I was asking for were not demands at all. I have been told I'm not sub in many messages. But these wannabe doms, abusers, or men that are just using the dom term to try and get a woman that will fulfill every sexual act they can possibly get out of them, clearly don't understand the D/s dynamic. Or that the submissive comes in many different forms, in and out of the sex side. And they clearly dont have a clue or they would know that one message isn't going to tell either side if their D/s is suited to each other. It would take a hell of a lot more to establish that.

I actually hate how most of these men assume that you will do whatever you are told whenever they bark their orders and have no regard for your well being and everyday life. If they don't get what they want instantly on the orders they just fire back with you're not a Sub. We are subs not children! They also assume a Sub woman is a total weak push over and target them, but get nasty when they find you have a mind of your own. I hit the block button and get rid.

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By *angbangFantasyWoman
over a year ago

London

"Please can someone clear this up for me? This is an issue that I have run into too many times to count and is actually really starting to get on my nerves.

What is most people's definition of a sub?

Okay I can be sassy and sarcastic and generally like to be in control in my everyday life. That doesn't mean I can't or don't enjoy being submissive in bed. Why is that so hard to understand?! "

I think if you have a stronger understanding of what it means to you to be a sub you will then not let these messages from wannabe "Doms" bother you.

These men are strangers, they haven't communicated with you your boundaries or kinks, etc. They have no clue what type of sub you are and in turn they don't have a clue about what it means to be a Dom.

I'm on the other big kink life sure too and will get messages from wannabe Doms to men who say they have been Doms for x number of years. Do I reply to them all? No, and that's my right to do so as it is yours or anyone else's.

I think about it this way, my submission is vitally important to the experiences I have that affect both my mind and body, I would need to trust the man or woman I hand my submission to, knowing they have my best interest at heart. That's why communication and understanding are so important.

Hope you don't let the idiots bother you further x

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Thank you so much everyone for your kind messages.

I have taken out the word sub from my username and profile header and just explained a little bit about it at the end of my profile; let's face it, the ones who make it to the end are more likely to be the type of people I'm after

Thanks again xx

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Also I wholeheartedly agree about the number of jumped up people who have watched 50 shades or bdsm porn and consider themselves doms without true knowledge of d/s relationships. Unfortunately I learned the hard way that those kinds of people just want someone to abuse for a night. I like to think I'm cleverer than that now though

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By *ollydoesWoman
over a year ago

Shangri-La

I confess to being a sub on my profile but i make it clear ( correct me if wrong but i think so) that i would never arrange a meet woth someone for a dom/sub "play session" everyone should enjoy their kicks but for me its far from a play session. Im baffled by the amount of messages thst ooen with " im a dom" " im looking for a new sub...you could be it" " i want to tie you up"

There are things i would do with someone i know but many things i would never even consider with a friend. Close friend or not. Anyone who introduces themselves as a dom im very weary of. Anyone who messages along the lines of..have you ever been tied up while....do you like being spanked and...are def not the dom i wanna know or anything like the ones ive met over the years.

When i met my previous dom it was on a site but social first. When it all evolved in to dom/sub partnership/ relationship he asked me why if i enjoyed the dom/sub why i wouldnt with regular meets. I just told him thst it makes what i give you so much more special because i dont.

Like with everything tho..there is no wrong way or right way. Just your way.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

In very simplistic terms a submissive is someone who chooses gives power over themselves (under agreed terms, boundaries and limits) to another. It is a power exchange - a symbiotic relationship.

(Please forgive the metaphor) A submissive will agree a start point and an end point for a journey with a Dominant. They will agree a speed limit, safety precautions, sights to visit along the way and sights to avoid; they will agree rules, boundaries and limits. Then the submissive will get in the car and the Dominant will drive the route, he will decide where to go, when to go there, the speed, the music, etc etc (within the agreed rules). The Dominant is in charge until the end of the journey - However and here is the important part... the submissive and/or the Dominant can stop the journey at anytime, for any reason and get out if the car. The other part will/must/have too accept this without question and without fuss.

A submissive is not weak, they are not available for anyone to use, they have equal power with the Dominant to stop at anytime. It is about respect, trust, communication, honestly and fun.

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By *eavenNhellCouple
over a year ago

carrbrook stalybridge

"In very simplistic terms a submissive is someone who chooses gives power over themselves (under agreed terms, boundaries and limits) to another. It is a power exchange - a symbiotic relationship.

A submissive is not weak, they are not available for anyone to use, they have equal power with the Dominant to stop at anytime. It is about respect, trust, communication, honestly and fun. "
this this this fantasticly well put fantastic metafore

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Guessing it’s the same uneducated members that think dominance and abusive are the same thing

This is exactly why I'm wary of calling myself "a Dom". Too many "Doms" (actually abusers) have given it a bad name and I don't want to be associated with them."

Not necessarily abusive but domineering.

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By *ouble_The_DelightCouple
over a year ago

Wakefield

"In very simplistic terms a submissive is someone who chooses gives power over themselves (under agreed terms, boundaries and limits) to another. It is a power exchange - a symbiotic relationship.

A submissive is not weak, they are not available for anyone to use, they have equal power with the Dominant to stop at anytime. It is about respect, trust, communication, honestly and fun. "

Very good response.

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By *etamourMan
over a year ago

York

Maybe the questions should be what is a Dom?

There are far to many men who call themselves Dom, when what they actually mean is the enjoy 'rough sex'

A Dom is a gentleman, he is not a thug or someone who simply thrashes his sub/slave with whips and floggers. He cares for and looks after his submissive. Of course during play scenes any manner of situations can arise. These are pre agreed during negotiations about hard limits etc. A Dom may own 1 or more subs. However, he doesn't own another Dom's sub and can't order them around without the permission of her owner.

Any man who writes you a message stating 'Call yourself a sub', is not a Dom, in fact he couldn't be further removed.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have had...

A "Dom" demanding I film myself playing with a vibrator in work. He didn't care if I was caught and sacked.

A "Dom" telling me to fuck random guys in a porn cinema bare and have them all cum in me. He didn't care if I caught a disease.

A "Dom" ordering me to stand in a layby and flash my boobs and pussy to passing cars. He didn't care if I caused an accident, if I was arrested or if I ended up on a sex offenders register.

All of these guys called themselves "Dom's" but they had no care or consideration for my welfare. Every one was surprised and pissed off when I refused. They all told me I was not a good sub. These men are not "Dom's". They are twats with no respect for women at all. Avoid avoid avoid.

On the other hand, I went into a woods once with a guy who stripped and blindfolded me, then surprised me with four other guys. I went with this because I trusted him. He had earned my trust by never breaking my rules. We had talked about scenarios I would and would not feel happy with. I knew he would look after me, I knew he would have made sure the guys were decent, I knew he would make sure all played safe and I wasn't asked to do anything I wasn't comfortable with. To him my welfare was paramount, far more important than him just feeling important and getting his rocks off. There's the difference.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Maybe the questions should be what is a Dom?

There are far to many men who call themselves Dom, when what they actually mean is the enjoy 'rough sex'

Any man who writes you a message stating 'Call yourself a sub', is not a Dom, in fact he couldn't be further removed."

I wouldn't say all Doms are gentlemen (tho it's the type I require). You can have sadistic Doms and masochistic subs - to the uneducated this dynamic is abusive and yet probably consensual.

The point is BDSM is tailored to those who partake. Admittedly it is also a scene where abuse can take place, but can also occur in vanilla relationships.

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By *YKellyMan
over a year ago

Aberdeen

But, but I have a pair of leather trousers. I must be a dom.

There are all sorts of kinky relationships out there. Some (lots) of them I would not want to be part of. But for the most part good luck to you.

My take is that what makes a good kink relationship is the same as what makes a good relationship generally. Communication and respect.

Arguably a kink relationship can be "better" than a vanilla one because of the need for certain types of honesty.

If someone is going to trust you to take control you better have their best interests at heart.

Consent is important. I think both parties need to communicate what they want. To outsiders it might not always be clear what is going on but that intimacy is another thing that can be good.

Maybe you enjoy another sort of kink. Have fun and be safe.

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By *uckslut and MCouple
over a year ago

Poole

I'm a Sub, but will only sub to my Dom. Even then I have the right to say " no" to anything. We're in a strong D/s relationship.

Subbing in a swingers enviroment the rules can be more relaxed. Although, you still and very rightly so can say "No".

At the end of the day, a persons body is their own. We're here for fun, not getting paid. We decide what we do, or have done to our body. You can turn up at a door step to a play, and say no. Or half way through stop and say no. Respecting yourself and others.

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By *ensualMan
over a year ago

Sutton

I tend to broadly agree with most of the statements about what is a sub, I would like to address the accompanying dom-hating.

When people address what D/S is they normally are putting forward their own view. Very few put forward the view looking at the history and culture of D/S.

The truth is that until fairly recently the submissive's role was to contribute their body and little else. This covers, impact, service and humiliation. Anyone who has read De Sade or the Story of O, or other pulp D/S would know that. However and thankfully there was a meto moment over 20 years ago when books like Screw the Roses said that submissive's have a greater role and have an equal part in a D/S relationship. It was a light bulb and a pendule. swing moment. The issue with pendulem swings is that the pendulem does not swing evenly so some people advocate sub's have all the power. Everyone is entitled to their view, I would just put forward that in modern times a healthy relationship is seen as one of equal partners.

However humans do things their own way and as long as the people involved are happy and it is consensual you can have sub lead relationships or dom lead relationships or a mixture of both.

I would suggest that the people who demand of subs without knowing them fall into one of two camps. They are either chancers as mentioned previously in this thread or are people who have seen the stereotype of dom lead relationships and are not chancers but merely ignorant and need educating without the hatred. I have seen a number of people in the forum start from a place of ignorance and when matters have been explained to them in a polite way understood why their initial statements were wrong and changed their mindset.

This is not to say don't block people who appear chancers, it should be done. But I think in reasoned debate we should distinguish between chancers and those who are ignorant. Also we should be aware that there are stereotypes of a dom and domme lead relationship of long standing that go beyond 50SOG.

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By *irty PrettyWoman
over a year ago

Cardiff

"Please can someone clear this up for me? This is an issue that I have run into too many times to count and is actually really starting to get on my nerves.

What is most people's definition of a sub?

Okay I can be sassy and sarcastic and generally like to be in control in my everyday life. That doesn't mean I can't or don't enjoy being submissive in bed. Why is that so hard to understand?! "

Sub means whatever it means to you. It’s those guys who are wrong, and not real Doms.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Block and delete on contact. It's better for you, and better for the rest of us too."

Comment of the day! Brilliant!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I had one guy message me and tell me I was a crap sub as I wouldn’t do as I was told and ignore my Doms rules that I not meet other guys for sex, and another tell me he was going to message my Dom and tell him to make me meet him. Erm, both told that I’m only submissive to him, I choose not to meet men even without my Doms instructions (as he is also my partner) and I definitely choose what is done to my body- even by him, I consent to it.

They were both told to learn some respect, and blocked!

Viv xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I had one guy message me and tell me I was a crap sub as I wouldn’t do as I was told and ignore my Doms rules that I not meet other guys for sex, and another tell me he was going to message my Dom and tell him to make me meet him. Erm, both told that I’m only submissive to him, I choose not to meet men even without my Doms instructions (as he is also my partner) and I definitely choose what is done to my body- even by him, I consent to it.

They were both told to learn some respect, and blocked!

Viv xx"

It’s not just men though, I’ve had two “Domme’s” message me and been extremely arrogant, dismissive and one became abusive.

They haven’t liked my attitude when I’ve told them that if they are Dommes they should know respect and submission is a gift and is gained through trust, not just by entitlement. Some people like to only be submissive sexually, and actively seek Doms/Dommes, I’m not one of them, and they messaged me, not the other way round.

Apparently I’m not a very good sub...actually I am, but only to one person. I’m not naturally submissive, I choose to be for my partner, something not everyone can get their heads around.

Viv xx

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By *artyanna16TV/TS
over a year ago

seacroft

I just think this should be aimed at men whoare looking for a “sub “, it appears as a contributor above mentioned , as though sub is describing a slave in some minds. When the reality is very different .

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By *rendel68Couple
over a year ago

Wantage

[Removed by poster at 24/12/19 08:14:33]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Submission is a gift not a right, doesn't make you a doormat. You're still allowed a voice at anytime. I true Dom will need you as much as you need them

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By *eviantdeeliteCouple
over a year ago

Cheltenham

They were both told to learn some respect, and blocked!

Viv xx

It’s not just men though, I’ve had two “Domme’s” message me and been extremely arrogant, dismissive and one became abusive.

Apparently I’m not a very good sub...actually I am, but only to one person. I’m not naturally submissive, I choose to be for my partner, something not everyone can get their heads around.

Viv xx"

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By *ongarMan
over a year ago

Maidstone / Tunbridge Wells

I love being dominant and do have two regular girls who I call my subs, I only treat them as sex subs I.e. I’m not making them do anything other than sexual tasks , both will do anything I ask without question and take a real good aggressive fucking however I want, both I treat like princesses and make sure they are completely satisfied and I also make sure I give them good aftercare so they go away from the encounter on a high and not feeling used.

One of these girls recently got a good turning over from another member on here where she basically took a good beating and was simply (fucked against her will) multiple times, I saw the resulting cuts and bruises, it was terrible.

It worries me that people don’t understand what a sub is, they are not pieces of meat that you can just use, they are actually quite vulnerable as it is a big mental commitment for them especially if you are restraining them.

Girls be careful and men always ultimately respectful !

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By *uzy swallowTV/TS
over a year ago

Warminster

I’m totally sub and love being used abused hard but there is a limit when it goes beyond enjoyment and I’ve had it a few times people get carried away and they think the worse they treat you the better it is for you but I’ve had a few meets spoiled by idiots who go over the top when the meet could have so good and enjoyable if they’d just respected my limits xx Suzy xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I’m totally sub and love being used abused hard but there is a limit when it goes beyond enjoyment and I’ve had it a few times people get carried away and they think the worse they treat you the better it is for you but I’ve had a few meets spoiled by idiots who go over the top when the meet could have so good and enjoyable if they’d just respected my limits xx Suzy xx "

I think some people are genuinely confused about D/S. Seems in their eyes thst calling themselves Dominant entitles them to demand rough sex and do anything they want

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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago

Up on them there hills

Sub is not a noun, it is a verb.

A lady who submits for herself for sensuality submissive exploration, I have found is never is sub in the non sexual world.

As a verb, it is an action, not an identity.

Love a submissive trait, would hate a cognitive submissive relationship.

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By *ophieslutTV/TS
over a year ago

Central

You are your own unique sub, as you have your own unique needs and personality. I don't like one definition and even in relationships the fluidity of the dynamics can be very varied over time and for different aspects of the sex or relationship.

The stupid and offensive messages are a reflection of the poor understanding of relationships, sex etc and inappropriate expectations that many here have, especially a poor set of single men.

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By *ensualMan
over a year ago

Sutton

One of the people who lead on making rope popular back in the day has put on FL a brilliant Laws of FL. I will share with you law 24. Merry Xmas!

Law #24

Self-entitled dick-heads are easily identified by sentences starting "If you were a real sub you'd..." or similarly coercive phrases.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

they go deeeeep

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By *hubaysiWoman
over a year ago

Leeds

"Please can someone clear this up for me? This is an issue that I have run into too many times to count and is actually really starting to get on my nerves.

What is most people's definition of a sub?

Okay I can be sassy and sarcastic and generally like to be in control in my everyday life. That doesn't mean I can't or don't enjoy being submissive in bed. Why is that so hard to understand?! "

It’s typical Fab men wanting sex? It’s all about them as usual!!!

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By *adyJayneWoman
over a year ago

Burnleyish (She/They)

"One of these girls recently got a good turning over from another member on here where she basically took a good beating and was simply (fucked against her will) multiple times, I saw the resulting cuts and bruises, it was terrible."

Please tell me she has reported them to the authorities? You know, for that word we can't say on here.

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By *alcon43Woman
over a year ago

Paisley

For a change there are many great responses from experienced Dom/Dommes and subs. I’m mostly sub, been told I was bratty and that I top from the bottom at times

I’ve had the messages that tell me what a guy wants to do to me which usually means he basically wants to bully me into doing what he wants and surprised when I turn him down. Block button is handy.

I’ve had a great training by an experienced Dom that lasted a year where I went from knowing nothing of being a sub to being on a journey where I literally trusted him with my life with some of the kinks/fetishes that I liked.

An experienced Dom/Domme will ask the sub many questions before embarking on any scenarios. A previous comment summed it up when they said that a Dom/Domme will take a sub to a point where they crave the extreme play that they never thought they’d reach. I can totally relate to that.

My experience was mostly about sensory deprivation, sensual play and pushing my boundaries. There was some pain but it was escalated over time. It was a year of discovery and I learned a lot about myself. Being submissive was my release as I was a single parent in control of everything in my life and this was my way of giving myself a break. I still had the power to stop my Dom at any point. I don’t recall ever feeling the need to stop our play.

Amber, don’t ever feel that you have to do anything you don’t want to do. I have given advice to many people who want to be subs and one or two of whom I knew were basically being bullied and controlled and eventually managed to get them away from that situation.

A Dom/Domme will also know about aftercare following from sub drop. If you’ve experienced this then you’ll know what I mean. Feel free to message me.

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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago

Up on them there hills

"For a change there are many great responses from experienced Dom/Dommes and subs. I’m mostly sub, been told I was bratty and that I top from the bottom at times

A Dom/Domme will also know about aftercare following from sub drop. If you’ve experienced this then you’ll know what I mean. Feel free to message me.

Odd you don find the holding/protection of sub drop in porn, just a thought .

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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago

Up on them there hills

"For a change there are many great responses from experienced Dom/Dommes and subs. I’m mostly sub, been told I was bratty and that I top from the bottom at times

A Dom/Domme will also know about aftercare following from sub drop. If you’ve experienced this then you’ll know what I mean. Feel free to message me.

Odd you don find the holding/protection of sub drop in porn, just a thought ."

Where’s a T when you need one, should be don’t find.

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By *ave52Man
over a year ago

Great Dunmow

Something that sinks beneath the waves!

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By *onty1971Man
over a year ago

London St Helier Trier

"Please can someone clear this up for me? This is an issue that I have run into too many times to count and is actually really starting to get on my nerves.

What is most people's definition of a sub?

Okay I can be sassy and sarcastic and generally like to be in control in my everyday life. That doesn't mean I can't or don't enjoy being submissive in bed. Why is that so hard to understand?! "

There is no one definition fits all.

Abusive it is not.

Consensual relationship of care.

Yes one is a Dom and the other a Sub. However it is unique. Both understand the boundaries even as they move with increasing confidence and trust.

Getting it right takes time. Have fun discovering and peg the idiots who confuse Sub with abuse. Sorry I have little patience with abusive men.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I am a sub. It doesn't mean I am submissive to everyone out there. I am submissive to women who I like to submit to. There are a bunch of D/s activities where both the domme and sub have a part to do. The domme and the sub discuss and establish a protocol along with the activities they would indulge in. In long term D/s relationship, this protocol evolves and the activities they do tend to expand.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think a lot of guys believe subs should be purely servers and therefore not be allowed to turn them down and stuff which in my opinion is bs. In my eyes a sub is simply someone whos submissive in the bedroom

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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago

Dubai & Nottingham

Subs actually hold the power in the D/s relationship, choosing to submit out of love and trust.

I like to choose the restaurant , the meal, the wine even, take care of all the practical things and then dominate her sexually. She chooses to put on a collar and relinquish control for a while, especially after a really tough day bossing men around at work !

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By *nliveneTV/TS
over a year ago

Selby

It is wrong thinking someone who is submiss as someone who just do whatever is asked to do .

I believe we all already watched live or in movies sessions of submission . Usually are conected to BDSM . What most people don't know is between dom & sub or master / mistress & slave there's a very true relationship where two words they personalize that and is TRUST & RESPECT .

I read many times the sub just like to receive pain and be humiliated and the dom is just someone who likes to treat someone as rubish .

No is nothing about that , the dom always have maximum respect for the sub and never never will put his life in risk . The dom always care about the sub life in other hand the submiss trust his body and mind to the dom because he know he can trust and more important the dominant know what are the limits of the sub and always will respect that limits .

Theres other types of submission , we could call them more soft depending always the sensibility of the indidual related to pain .

In this field is where most people get lost or most times have a incorrect interpretation about someone who is submiss and mix everything , what can be very dangerous .

When you ask to someone to be your dom , you as sub always let them know what your limits your expectations and what you would like to archive . Always look for someone credible i would sugest start for attend clubs where they have the practice and you will meet there people you can trust and know what are doing and they value words RESPECT & TRUST.

If is in your privacy the same aplys always look for someone you can trust , don't put yourself or your life in risk never ,in the hands of amateurs that nothing know about and only thing they want is a shag , remember things with amateurs can really go bad in a wrong way and come out of control with very bad outcomes.

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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago

Dubai & Nottingham

"I think a lot of guys believe subs should be purely servers and therefore not be allowed to turn them down and stuff which in my opinion is bs. In my eyes a sub is simply someone whos submissive in the bedroom"

You’ll find many women like men who take care of decisions & practical things for them outside the bedroom and also have them submit and perform little tasks - particularly if they have very stressful or powerful jobs.

I’ll often send her a text when I know she’s in the midst of a tough negotiation, ordering her to the ladies to pleasure herself and send me a picture and return to the meeting without her underwear.its not all about sex!

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

"Guessing it’s the same uneducated members that think dominance and abusive are the same thing

Submissive means different things to different people.

You're encountering dim doms. Block them.

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By *rightonsteveMan
over a year ago

Brighton - even Hove!

The sub is the Dom in disguise

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sub can range from mild submissiveness to complete and utter subjugation and it is a deeply personal thing to the sub and their partner(s). From a personal perspective I love a strong sub who is confident and intelligent and is making a clear decision to be submissive. There is nothing worse than a weak sub who is offering her body completely as there is little else of interest.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Guessing it’s the same uneducated members that think dominance and abusive are the same thing

Submissive means different things to different people.

You're encountering dim doms. Block them. "

Dim doms

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Guessing it’s the same uneducated members that think dominance and abusive are the same thing

Submissive means different things to different people.

You're encountering dim doms. Block them.

Dim doms

I like to call them conDoms

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A submissive is not a doormat who truly wants that after all. There is no right and wrong just what works for those involved. Anyone that tells you that you aren't a good or real submissive if you don't do as they instruction perhaps doesn't understand the concept.

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By *eviantdeeliteCouple
over a year ago

Cheltenham

"Sub can range from mild submissiveness to complete and utter subjugation and it is a deeply personal thing to the sub and their partner(s). From a personal perspective I love a strong sub who is confident and intelligent and is making a clear decision to be submissive. There is nothing worse than a weak sub who is offering her body completely as there is little else of interest. "

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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago

Up on them there hills

Definition of submissive.?

One that demands more from the Dominant, than the Dom does from the sub (intellectual/emotion/physical) and from my perspective a Dom should push a sub, by-product, the sub wants more.

Setting boundaries is also to protect the Dominant.

Think our definition is in our profile, saying that the profile has change little over the year ( good few years before 50 shades).

Might need a revamp, niw I think about it.??????

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

There is no true definition. What is to one can be completely different to another. What you are is you and that's exactly how it should be.

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By *eviantdeeliteCouple
over a year ago

Cheltenham

"There is no true definition. What is to one can be completely different to another. What you are is you and that's exactly how it should be. "

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By *he Hussy and The VoyeurCouple
over a year ago

Somewhere Only We Know

A woman is at her most powerful when kneeling before her lover.

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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago

Up on them there hills

"A woman is at her most powerful when kneeling before her lover."

Ain’t that the truth.

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