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What's you approach to messaging a domme/dom?

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
20 weeks ago

I've dabbled in a few online d/s dynamics but they've always evolved from more conventional conversations/matches. Does anyone change their approach when they're explicitly messaging a domme or dom? Do you start out conversations in the role, or do you start in the role?

For the d's out there, what do you think is the best approach subs should take?

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By *rMrsBiCardiffCouple
20 weeks ago

Roath

A dom sub dynamic should be built on trust and discussed well before any roleplaying or scenes happen.

Messages referring to either of us with dom or sub terms are ignored and blocked.

It's a big red flag if someone tries to dive into calling you mistress/sir etc before you've even had a conversation.

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By *inkPomPomWoman
20 weeks ago

Isle of Man

I would echo the post above

Addressing with terms before establishing the vibe is a bit forward

But everyone is different i guess

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By *enelope2UWoman
20 weeks ago

Doesn't matter cant block distances


"A dom sub dynamic should be built on trust and discussed well before any roleplaying or scenes happen.

Messages referring to either of us with dom or sub terms are ignored and blocked.

It's a big red flag if someone tries to dive into calling you mistress/sir etc before you've even had a conversation.

"

Perfectly stated! To many Reddit fab dom frauds it's just a joke now

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By *renzMan
20 weeks ago

Between Chichester and Havant

The Dom/sub dynamic is built on trust, consent and communication. Not something that happens within a message or two. You have to earn the right to be someone's Dom as you do to be their sub. So many will call themselves a Dominant without any idea of what it means. Many think it's bossing someone around, telling them what to do. It isn't.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
20 weeks ago

Ok, I've had a few private messages saying the same thing and I agree, all makes sense.

In that case, do you mention it at all? Or just say hi and let your profile do the talking?

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By *renzMan
20 weeks ago

Between Chichester and Havant

If someone's profile specifically says they are looking for a Dom, then I may message to say I have experience and a small collection of toys. I won't say what that experience covers unless we strike up a conversation. On here, people's idea of a Dominant can be naive and very often different to my own. Previously I have had men wanting me to dominate their wives and then ask me what I would do to them. This is mainly wankers trying to get their jollies. Doesn't work with me.

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By *reyToTheFairiesWoman
20 weeks ago

Carlisle usually

Approach them like any other human being in the context.

If you're at a high protocol FemDomme event, then that has stated protocols for you.

Any other time, they're just another human.

I absolutely loathe when people start with titles and honorifics when we have no dynamic. Those who get to call me Mistress have earned that right. Strangers looking for wank fodder using it can get right in the bin 💜

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
20 weeks ago

Thanks all, these are really useful responses. Very happy that I've been following the same logic as you all

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By *luffyrabitCouple
20 weeks ago

Darlington/ Stockton


"A dom sub dynamic should be built on trust and discussed well before any roleplaying or scenes happen.

Messages referring to either of us with dom or sub terms are ignored and blocked.

It's a big red flag if someone tries to dive into calling you mistress/sir etc before you've even had a conversation.

"

We agree with this. We always tell people that message that we won't agree to anything until we've had a public social meet. But, we still get people telling us they are Mistress' sub and beg for commands from her.

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By *elkieWoman
20 weeks ago

Durham

Negotiate as equals, always. There’s enough in your profile for kink people to get a sense of compatability, so it’s all good

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By *vaRoseWoman
20 weeks ago

Ankh-Morpork

Honestly, aside from a respectful opening message asking whether I am open to taking on a new submissive, followed by a brief conversation to check that the absolute basics align, the first exchanges should not be about the dynamic itself. I want to know the person outside of a scene. Connection comes before control; that is where things begin for me.

If the first message is a list of fantasies, expectations, and instructions for how I am supposed to perform as a kink dispenser, I will redirect them elsewhere. What they are seeking is transactional, and there are professionals who offer that service. I am not interested in engaging with kink as a transaction.

If someone opens by assigning me honorifics or monikers, that is another red flag. I am not their Mistress, Goddess, Queen, or Siren. I am not interested in being placed on a pedestal or projected onto before I am even known.

If a message begins with begging, or declarations of having no limits, that earns an education. I am as blunt as a hammer, and I will be clear. Limits exist for a reason, and anyone claiming otherwise has not done the work required for a healthy dynamic.

Once rapport has been established, you have actually spoken, and connected and learned who someone is, that is the point at which the finer details can be discussed. Not before.

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By *uriositycat123Woman
20 weeks ago

Wakefield

Thank goodness, someone finally placed a capital letter where it belongs.

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By *endall_IronbridgeMan
20 weeks ago

Shropshire

As mentioned it's communication I get lots of messages from so called subs who dive in on first message about details of what they want immediately it's a mistake you don't get to choose that's the whole point you must continue to communicate with a Dom becausethey have to work out the dynamic dominating your body is a bye product a true experienced Dom will fort dominate your mind it's then physical experiment can begin and push boundaries

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By *ootnootboopCouple
20 weeks ago

Cheshire

It's a massive red flag, and a sign that the person is not safe to engage with in any sort of intimate activity is when they start straight off the bat with....

"I want to worship you", " I'm looking for a goddess", "mommy"....

A kink connection is based off of mutual trust and respect, you cannot build that by jumping in straight off the bat.

Start off treating the person as a normal human being and cultivating a relationship based on trust and respect, then bring in the power dynamic stuff.

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By *ophieslutTV/TS
Forum Mod
20 weeks ago

Central

My experience is that those who immediately start with outlining their expectations, loss of limits, etc are wank fodder finders

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By *rectus HumongusMan
20 weeks ago

morecambe for the day

In my view if someone submissive messages and started that as opening most thank for message no thanks.

I call myself assertive because since 50 shades came out folk read a book and thought that is all there is to it.

Any experienced Dom/Assertive will know building up to have trust on both sides is essential.

It is a Role I enjoy but never let it crossover to my real life

Over time I have come across a few not many thankfully who from outset they were vulnerable and care has to be taken by in a way nurturing them because as everyone knows there are predators hiding behind the Dom phrase.

I have tried to explain to some that I do not think the role is good for them because of the chance of getting mentally messed.

I would not forgive myself if on my watch something happened and set the individual back. As a Assertive bloke I feel I have a duty of care as if someone trusts me then that trust should not be broken.

Approach anyone on fab the same regardless of what title they use.

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By *questMan
20 weeks ago

peterborough

That's an excellent point.

As an experienced domme put it to me at a kink event,'there is no Trust pilot for doms'.

Or subs, come to that.

Communication is so important, and trust and safety is vital. Frankly, it hard enough finding someone anyway. Finding someone who has unrealistic expectations is worse. And possibly highly risky.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
19 weeks ago

All these posts help restore my faith a little. Thanks everyone for your time!

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