FabSwingers.com forum: Second time club nerves

By *rFoxAndXeno OP Couple
over a year ago

Weymouth

Myself and Mr Fox have been to Rio's and Gems so far, club/spa wise. We've talked about returning to Gems in the new year, but I'm massively apprehensive because of various things that happened while we were there the first time.

I'm not sure how much detail I'm allowed to go into on here without getting in trouble again...just really need some opinions and support

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By *oiluvfunMan
over a year ago

Penrith

"Myself and Mr Fox have been to Rio's and Gems so far, club/spa wise. We've talked about returning to Gems in the new year, but I'm massively apprehensive because of various things that happened while we were there the first time.

I'm not sure how much detail I'm allowed to go into on here without getting in trouble again...just really need some opinions and support

If a greengrocer sold you rotten veg, would you go back for more?

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By *lowercandyWoman
over a year ago

Lancashire

Only you know what happened

Only you know how uncomfortable or comfortable you'd be if said things happen again

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By *rFoxAndXeno OP Couple
over a year ago

Weymouth

Just trying to figure out if it's me that's the problem....everyone else was having a whale of a time

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By *Sweet94Couple
over a year ago

dunfermline

I would be interested in hearing more if you would like to share on here? Me and my partner are going to try a club in the new year for the first time and super nervous

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By *lowercandyWoman
over a year ago

Lancashire

"Just trying to figure out if it's me that's the problem....everyone else was having a whale of a time

It's difficult to support or give anything on. Nothing...

If you don't feel comfortable sharing that's fine but. I'm not sure how much help we can be

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By *wingfellowMan
over a year ago

my own little sanctuary

Upon reflection of the goings on the first time around do you feel any of the blame falls partly on you? If so then you could hopefully avoid something similar from happening again. However, if the circumstance was due to a third party and you were made part of it in some way through no fault of your own then it’s definitely cause for consideration. Furthermore was it brought to the attention of those in charge and was the outcome sufficient?

These are the questions I’d be asking myself in your situation and should that dissatisfaction still be present for me I’d try somewhere else… if I felt I didn’t handle it as well as I could then I’d hope things are different the second time around and go from there.

Hope this helps your outlook

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By *ohn KanakaMan
over a year ago

Not all that North of North London

"Just trying to figure out if it's me that's the problem....everyone else was having a whale of a time

If yiu weren't having a whale of a time, that doesn't mean you are the problem

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm not sure how much detail I'm allowed to go into on here without getting in trouble again...just really need some opinions and support

What would you get in trouble for telling the truth about your experience (what ever it was).

As others said we need something to go on.

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By *lowercandyWoman
over a year ago

Lancashire

"I would be interested in hearing more if you would like to share on here? Me and my partner are going to try a club in the new year for the first time and super nervous "

What is it you are nervous about.

Have you picked your club

Have you checked the website to see the type of club it is (wet areas/more bar nightclub/dry but plenty rooms)

Once you have an idea where you are going

Then pick the night best suited to your requirement

Going as a couple you have each other

There's no pressure

You can ask for tours

You can leave if you want

Go treat it like a night out at the pub

Have a set word or phase so you can make it known to your partner if you want to go, have time out

Have no expectations and just enjoy

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By *ohn KanakaMan
over a year ago

Not all that North of North London

Clubs are different, of yiu are relatively new to them and nervous go to a newbie night or find a club that matches your interests.

Your local club might nit be the best club for you. Recommendations on here are often based on nothing more than loyalty.

But i really wouldn't go back to a club I hadn't enjoyed, I'd try somewhere new

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By *aunchy RaccoonsCouple
over a year ago

Exeter

I'm not sure how much detail I'm allowed to go into on here without getting in trouble again...just really need some opinions and support

Guessing it was an issue with single guy(s), if so we've been there!

We recommend Chameleons Darlaston on a Saturday night, couples and single ladies only.

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By *empest2KMan
over a year ago

Derby

I'm not sure how much detail I'm allowed to go into on here without getting in trouble again...just really need some opinions and support

As others have mentioned, I think it's difficult to gauge whether your concerns are warranted or not without you going into some detail about what happened last time that has made you feel apprehensive. By all means, feel free to message me directly should you feel more comfortable chatting about it outside of the forum area, as I'm happy to listen and give you my humble opinion in private.

Nonetheless, I hope you find the answers you're looking for, OP!

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By *isfits behaving badlyCouple
over a year ago

Coventry

Maybe we have the wrong end of stick about what your saying not saying. But we've always understood Rio's as not a place for the faint hearted. From what we've heard it can be a bit Wild West and full on.

Just to say not all clubs are the same. There is a wide variety in terms of vibes, styles, and how people generally go about things. We've tried a fair few clubs across the country. If your willing to travel do your research and maybe try something a bit of a different vibe/atmosphere. There are some lovely clubs out there.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

People are saying don't go back but I think it depends on what happened. Every night can be different at the same club. There are a lot of clubs to explore, so you could find something more suitable elsewhere.

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

I'm not sure how much detail I'm allowed to go into on here without getting in trouble again...just really need some opinions and support

If a greengrocer sold you rotten veg, would you go back for more?"

...or if you had a bad day at school, would you want someone to say come back it was a one off?

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

Working in the dark, I would say speak to the club hosts as they need happy customers.

Do you have any friends you can be with or meet up then enter, as this safety net will be really useful?

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By *oiluvfunMan
over a year ago

Penrith

I'm not sure how much detail I'm allowed to go into on here without getting in trouble again...just really need some opinions and support

If a greengrocer sold you rotten veg, would you go back for more?

...or if you had a bad day at school, would you want someone to say come back it was a one off?"

We all only get one opportunity to make a first impression, and that includes swinger clubs

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By *rFoxAndXeno OP Couple
over a year ago

Weymouth

Thanks for the input everyone! I've been put on the naughty step before, for discussing how our experience there spilled over onto fab in various ways that made me uncomfortable.

It's absolutely not a case of not wanting to share, more that I don't want to be branded a troublemaker *again*

It boils down to there being a MASSIVE sense of entitlement from certain people. It honestly felt like we owed people our bodies even though we were perfect newcomers.

This is where I worry it's myself being the problem....is this just how it's meant to be? No standards, no preferences, just get on with it??

I'll get my popcorn before someone inevitably shreds this post apart word by word

- Xeno

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By *elkieWoman
over a year ago

Durham

So.

Newbies are treated harshly in clubs. If established members know you are new, we’ll have your backs. Otherwise, we assume you have been around for long enough to know what you’re doing.

There is no wrong way to swing. As I said elsewhere, my line is generally that I don’t want to play with people I don’t recognise. If they don’t talk to me in the bar, I don’t want them in the playroom. You never have to say yes to anything you don’t want. Good swinging men prioritise their partners comfort, pleasure and orgasms. If someone doesn’t care that you’re unhappy, why would you want to play with them?

Have you talked to management about this and asked for their opinion and their advice? For me, that would be the deciding factor on whether or not I gave that club another shot.

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By *ohn KanakaMan
over a year ago

Not all that North of North London

"Thanks for the input everyone! I've been put on the naughty step before, for discussing how our experience there spilled over onto fab in various ways that made me uncomfortable.

It's absolutely not a case of not wanting to share, more that I don't want to be branded a troublemaker *again*

It boils down to there being a MASSIVE sense of entitlement from certain people. It honestly felt like we owed people our bodies even though we were perfect newcomers.

This is where I worry it's myself being the problem....is this just how it's meant to be? No standards, no preferences, just get on with it??

I'll get my popcorn before someone inevitably shreds this post apart word by word

- Xeno"

I think some people see a newbie, particularly a younger newbie and think that they are fresh meat and are 100% predatory.

I've seen it at munches on the kink scene, I've seen it at swinging clubs and I've seen it on the forums.

And my gut instinct is some clubs are worse than others, certainly I've seen threads on the forum around newbie nights.

But not all club goers are like that and not all clubs are like that. I'd try somewhere else because if the same people are there you'll have the same experience

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By *rFoxAndXeno OP Couple
over a year ago

Weymouth

"So.

Newbies are treated harshly in clubs. If established members know you are new, we’ll have your backs. Otherwise, we assume you have been around for long enough to know what you’re doing.

Have you talked to management about this and asked for their opinion and their advice? For me, that would be the deciding factor on whether or not I gave that club another shot. "

Thank you for the constructive answer! We both pride ourselves on being warm and personable, unfortunately this caused offence to others when the small talk didn't lead to play....this made me feel as though we couldn't just socialise and potentially let things happen naturally. Will definitely bear your suggestions in mind, thank you x

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By *rFoxAndXeno OP Couple
over a year ago

Weymouth

"Thanks for the input everyone! I've been put on the naughty step before, for discussing how our experience there spilled over onto fab in various ways that made me uncomfortable.

It's absolutely not a case of not wanting to share, more that I don't want to be branded a troublemaker *again*

It boils down to there being a MASSIVE sense of entitlement from certain people. It honestly felt like we owed people our bodies even though we were perfect newcomers.

This is where I worry it's myself being the problem....is this just how it's meant to be? No standards, no preferences, just get on with it??

I'll get my popcorn before someone inevitably shreds this post apart word by word

- Xeno

I think some people see a newbie, particularly a younger newbie and think that they are fresh meat and are 100% predatory.

I've seen it at munches on the kink scene, I've seen it at swinging clubs and I've seen it on the forums.

And my gut instinct is some clubs are worse than others, certainly I've seen threads on the forum around newbie nights.

But not all club goers are like that and not all clubs are like that. I'd try somewhere else because if the same people are there you'll have the same experience"

I'm glad I'm not imagining things!! Lol

it just felt like the line between gentle introduction and entitlement was being crossed. Thank you for answering x

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By *allySlinkyWoman
over a year ago

Leeds

As you are "massively apprehensive" I suggest you try somewhere else next time

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By *jonesMan
over a year ago

Plymouth

"So.

Newbies are treated harshly in clubs. If established members know you are new, we’ll have your backs. Otherwise, we assume you have been around for long enough to know what you’re doing.

Have you talked to management about this and asked for their opinion and their advice? For me, that would be the deciding factor on whether or not I gave that club another shot.

This is a minefield , I've found. I have a couples profile with a lady and we very much enjoy chatting and socializing in clubs , and would like some chemistry with a couple . Finding a couple you both find attractive , and then with engaging chat and a laugh is very rare. Spend a lot of time with small talk and nothing engaging..and move on ...but it's hard work...

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By *ackbydemandMan
over a year ago

Leicester

"Thanks for the input everyone! I've been put on the naughty step before, for discussing how our experience there spilled over onto fab in various ways that made me uncomfortable.

It's absolutely not a case of not wanting to share, more that I don't want to be branded a troublemaker *again*

It boils down to there being a MASSIVE sense of entitlement from certain people. It honestly felt like we owed people our bodies even though we were perfect newcomers.

This is where I worry it's myself being the problem....is this just how it's meant to be? No standards, no preferences, just get on with it??

I'll get my popcorn before someone inevitably shreds this post apart word by word

- Xeno"

You should never be pressured into anything by other clientele, they paid the same money to go in and don't own the place. Even if they have been going for 10 years, consent is consent and no means no. Treating new people like fresh meat is just wrong.

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By *rFoxAndXeno OP Couple
over a year ago

Weymouth

"Thanks for the input everyone! I've been put on the naughty step before, for discussing how our experience there spilled over onto fab in various ways that made me uncomfortable.

It's absolutely not a case of not wanting to share, more that I don't want to be branded a troublemaker *again*

It boils down to there being a MASSIVE sense of entitlement from certain people. It honestly felt like we owed people our bodies even though we were perfect newcomers.

This is where I worry it's myself being the problem....is this just how it's meant to be? No standards, no preferences, just get on with it??

I'll get my popcorn before someone inevitably shreds this post apart word by word

- Xeno

We made new friends and got to spend time with an amazing couple we'd met earlier that evening, so trying to focus on the positives! But unfortunately the attitude you described is quite prevalent

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By *moothGrooveWoman
over a year ago

Durham

When when I first started going to clubs I would completely be myself and be chatty and super friendly to absolutely everyone.

Unfortunately on one occasion this did lead to a bit of unpleasantness from someone who interpreted my friendliness to me leading them up the garden path. I had said to him 'I might see you around later', as to me it was more polite than saying I'm not interested in having sex with you. I assumed he would pick up on my cue... Later on in the night when he found out I had been in a private room with someone else he kicked off big time.

That wasn't the clubs fault, and they dealt with it in a way which made me feel safe.

Now, I don't talk to anyone I'm not interested in for more than a few minutes and I will make it quite obvious that I don't intend on taking things any further. It's not something that really comes naturally to me but for some people, especially some single guys you have to show your cards early and be very clear.

If your problem was with an attendee I wouldn't judge the club for it. But if you feel you reached out to the club and they didn't deal with it correctly then I would go to another club next time.

Don't forget that swinging is meant to be fun. If the thought of going to a certain Club doesn't get you excited, then there are plenty of others to try.

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By *elkieWoman
over a year ago

Durham

"So.

Newbies are treated harshly in clubs. If established members know you are new, we’ll have your backs. Otherwise, we assume you have been around for long enough to know what you’re doing.

Have you talked to management about this and asked for their opinion and their advice? For me, that would be the deciding factor on whether or not I gave that club another shot.

Oh. If it’s a club where anyone gave you a hard time for saying no, then run like fuck and don’t give them a second chance. But maybe talk to management too.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Thanks for the input everyone! I've been put on the naughty step before, for discussing how our experience there spilled over onto fab in various ways that made me uncomfortable.

It's absolutely not a case of not wanting to share, more that I don't want to be branded a troublemaker *again*

It boils down to there being a MASSIVE sense of entitlement from certain people. It honestly felt like we owed people our bodies even though we were perfect newcomers.

This is where I worry it's myself being the problem....is this just how it's meant to be? No standards, no preferences, just get on with it??

I'll get my popcorn before someone inevitably shreds this post apart word by word

- Xeno"

Go to a club where a NO means No policy is not only in place but strongly enforced.

You should never be made to feel you have to do something you don't want to.

No means no

And you should be respected for that.

I am quiet strong in defence of what we will and won't do and any nonsense is quickly dealt with by me in no uncertain terms

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By *ackbydemandMan
over a year ago

Leicester

We made new friends and got to spend time with an amazing couple we'd met earlier that evening, so trying to focus on the positives! But unfortunately the attitude you described is quite prevalent

I'm glad you got a positive from it too, 1% of the bad shouldn't ruin 99% of the fun. I'm sure future visits will be fine

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By *ebwizMan
over a year ago

Clevedon

My wife went right off the scene in the end. She got fed up of guys being predatory, older unfit and thinking she would want to play with them, often try to touch her in a jacuzzi, then smile as if that would work. Her opinion in the end was that guys just viewed women as a piece of meat for fucking. So if we did go it was for us as a one to one couple play, but stopped yrs ago.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Thanks for the input everyone! I've been put on the naughty step before, for discussing how our experience there spilled over onto fab in various ways that made me uncomfortable.

It's absolutely not a case of not wanting to share, more that I don't want to be branded a troublemaker *again*

It boils down to there being a MASSIVE sense of entitlement from certain people. It honestly felt like we owed people our bodies even though we were perfect newcomers.

This is where I worry it's myself being the problem....is this just how it's meant to be? No standards, no preferences, just get on with it??

I'll get my popcorn before someone inevitably shreds this post apart word by word

- Xeno"

Honestly not all clubs are like this, I really like Chameleons in Darlaston, I always felt very welcomed and nobody made me feel like they were entitled to my body at all. People were upfront with asking me if I wanted to play but took my answer on the chin with a smile. Maybe try a different club?

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By *razytimesinloveCouple
over a year ago

SW Scotland

Sounds like you’ve had a really bad first time at the club. If you tell someone no and they persist I’d take it straight up with the staff.

Touching someone up and using the excuse that it’s in a swingers club is out of order.

We’ve been really lucky with our club visits, we have seen other members asked to leave by staff due to not following the rules.

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By *rFoxAndXeno OP Couple
over a year ago

Weymouth

"Sounds like you’ve had a really bad first time at the club. If you tell someone no and they persist I’d take it straight up with the staff.

Touching someone up and using the excuse that it’s in a swingers club is out of order.

We’ve been really lucky with our club visits, we have seen other members asked to leave by staff due to not following the rules. "

Thankfully it didn't escalate that far, I'm glad your visits have been good!

just don't see the need for guilt tripping when it's already so intimidating for newbies x

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By *rFoxAndXeno OP Couple
over a year ago

Weymouth

"My wife went right off the scene in the end. She got fed up of guys being predatory, older unfit and thinking she would want to play with them, often try to touch her in a jacuzzi, then smile as if that would work. Her opinion in the end was that guys just viewed women as a piece of meat for fucking. So if we did go it was for us as a one to one couple play, but stopped yrs ago. "

So sorry to hear this! It's such a shame when people spoil it for others

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By *j555Couple
over a year ago

Huntingdon

It's difficult isn't it.

We've only been to a club once and we are going back next week.

First time I think we were looked after tbh and everyone was full of advice and generally really nice to us.

I do wonder if there will be more expectation next time and negativity if we don't find anyone we want to play with...

Maybe I shouldn't think lol and just get my sassy ass there and see!!

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By *inksAPlentyCouple
over a year ago

Bedfordshire

There should never be any expectation to play in a club. We were at a club for Mr's birthday earlier this year and went with 4 of our female friends. A single guy asked me to play and I politely declined. The guy had no issue with this.

We always chat with people and don't have the expectation of play.

Not all clubs are the same and not all people go with a sense of entitlement. We love the social side just as much as the play. Just because we chat with people doesn't mean we want to play with them.

I hope you find a club where you feel comfortable. I'm happy to chat on PM if you want to.

Ms x

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By *imited 3EditionCouple
over a year ago

Live in Scotland Play in England

"So.

Newbies are treated harshly in clubs. If established members know you are new, we’ll have your backs. Otherwise, we assume you have been around for long enough to know what you’re doing.

Have you talked to management about this and asked for their opinion and their advice? For me, that would be the deciding factor on whether or not I gave that club another shot.

That's a real shame. Sorry to hear you had that experience. I don't think it always has to be that way. You may need to try a few other clubs to find one with a vibe that suits you. After one or two unpleasant experiences at chameleons, we thought we were done with clubs. But after trying cupids, that was a much better, more laid back experience.

Since then we've also found townhouse and pandoras to be good.

In our experience it can help to have prearranged to meet another couple there but as our profile states, we always make clear that socialising does not necessarily lead to playing. Given you will go as a couple, there's nothing wrong in only playing together in the event you don't find someone you'd like to play with. So just know what you do and don't want and stick with that.

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By *ingeandTCouple
over a year ago

Peterborough

We’ve been to one of local (ish) clubs a few times now and have had really positive experiences. We have been welcomed by the regulars and have never felt under any pressure, we’re still really new to swinging and I was more keen to try a club than Mr but we both really love attending now. I will add that we’ve been with friends for all of our visits and I think this helps as we’re not completely alone and obviously the more you go the more people you meet and get to know. x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It sounds to us as if something that was happening that you didn't want to happen?

If that was the case, you were 100% in the wrong club!!!!!!

Nothing should happen without your consent!

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By *rFoxAndXeno OP Couple
over a year ago

Weymouth

Thanks again everyone for your input, it's really appreciated! I blamed everything on my nerves and inexperience, but everyone else seems to have such fun with clubs

I'm willing to give it another go or other clubs too, but if it continues to be an uncomfortable anxiety inducing experience at least I can say I tried x

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