FabSwingers.com forum: Suffering a lack of confidence

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Evening everyone hoping you are all keeping well in the current situation.

Just after a bit of advice (probably from men but wont rule women out) and hopefully posted in the right section

For the last couple of months I have been stressed or worrying about my erections. Its hard to tell if its actual erection anxiety or an issue getting turned on. I will try and remember when I last had an erection and if I cant I panic try and force one, when I have one I stress if its actually hard enough or how long it is going to last. If I dont wake up hard I panic straight away although it usually pops up not long after. I know the worrying and stress isnt helping just cant seem to stop the cycle. This isnt the first time I have had these issues, over the years these thoughts/feelings have come and gone sporadically but this phase seems to be lasting longer.

I have spoke to my partner and she assures me everything is ok when we have sex feels as always does etc and in my mind I tell myself everything is ok yet I dont convince myself. We are still having sex or sexual contact on a regular basis. A couple of nights ago we were playing an adult boardgame and I was solid the whole time we were playing and enjoyed my victory which makes me think its a mental block over any physical/chemical issue.

About two years ago I went to see my GP about it and he prescribed viagra to see if it helped, I have never had to take one and never had any issues performing. I went back to see him just before the lockdown to discuss he again recommended trying viagra however I am reluctant as I dont want to begin relying on them and I know if I take one I will think I always need them. I asked him for a blood test, full blood count, thyroid check and testosterone levels all came back fine.

I had contacted someone about councelling for performance anxiety/general anxiety to help with a few issues in my life that possibly may be affecting me but obviously there is a wait for these services being made even longer by the pandemic.

Hopefully some of you may be able to offer similar experiences or advice all greatfully received and sorry for the long post

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By *heShyBiCoupleCouple
over a year ago

Coventry

As you've mentioned, anxiety. Anything can make it difficult getting up, anxiety, stress, over thinking, even tiredness can make you struggle. It's a vicious cycle which I once went through, lost an erection with a very gorgeous lady and she would not shut up about it, that in turn made me anxious for months. When I got an erection it would keep for a bit, then start to drop and then the internal anger and anxiety would hit me and I'd try to force one which never worked and it would go limp.

I eventually got over it as my confidence grew. I would try to steer clear of viagra or other remedies, though I am no expert of course.

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By *alandannCouple
over a year ago

norfolk

Hi.

I wonder if you get hard when you are on your own, for example when you masterbate? If so, I suggest that you do not have a physical problem, more likely an emotional one.

The emotional problem might be that you are anxious about pleasing your partner, not upsetting or disappointing her, or the feeling of failing. It is good that you talk of having sex and/or sexual contact. Sex is not always about full penetration.

It's good that your partner reassures you.

I would not be against trying viagra since you might find it a confidence boost. After a while you and she could discuss weaning yourself off the viagra.

Good luck.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It sounds like you are already worried about this even before you need to get hard. Just try to clear your head when you are in these situations and focus on the enjoyment you're feeling instead and how happy you are to be being intimate with someone - meditation and slow breathing will help with this.

Maybe ask your wife to take the reins and blindfold you so you don't have to feel like you're "in charge" of her pleasure and can just focus on the moment instead of worrying about your performance. That way you won't feel the need to keep checking your erection and can just get lost in the sensations.

Above all just remember your wife loves you either way; she didn't marry you for just your penis

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By *penbicoupleCouple
over a year ago

Northampton

Have you considered hyp notherapy?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"As you've mentioned, anxiety. Anything can make it difficult getting up, anxiety, stress, over thinking, even tiredness can make you struggle. It's a vicious cycle which I once went through, lost an erection with a very gorgeous lady and she would not shut up about it, that in turn made me anxious for months. When I got an erection it would keep for a bit, then start to drop and then the internal anger and anxiety would hit me and I'd try to force one which never worked and it would go limp.

I eventually got over it as my confidence grew. I would try to steer clear of viagra or other remedies, though I am no expert of course."

Thanks for your comment sounds very similar to me in terms of symptoms luckily not how the woman reacted

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Have you considered hyp notherapy? "

I havent does it work? Counselling is the next step whenever that happens

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Hi.

I wonder if you get hard when you are on your own, for example when you masterbate? If so, I suggest that you do not have a physical problem, more likely an emotional one.

It's good that your partner reassures you.

I would not be against trying viagra since you might find it a confidence boost. After a while you and she could discuss weaning yourself off the viagra.

Good luck."

To be honest i dont wank so much nowadays but twice in the last week/10 days including last night with her watching me. Best way to describe is as soon as I’m aware something os happening I panic.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"It sounds like you are already worried about this even before you need to get hard. Just try to clear your head when you are in these situations and focus on the enjoyment you're feeling instead and how happy you are to be being intimate with someone - meditation and slow breathing will help with this.

Above all just remember your wife loves you either way; she didn't marry you for just your penis

That sounds like a very good idea thanks

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By *nimaginativeUsernameMan
over a year ago

Rochester, Kent

Good advice and thoughtful comments on this thread. Good on you, OP for discussing it.

That in itself is a good way of de-stressing, and so are the responses so far

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By *ip2Man
over a year ago

Near Maidenhead

Do you wake up with an erection? If you do then it's likely not a physical cause?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Good advice and thoughtful comments on this thread. Good on you, OP for discussing it.

That in itself is a good way of de-stressing, and so are the responses so far

Thanks has took a few attempts to post

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Do you wake up with an erection? If you do then it's likely not a physical cause?"

If i dont wake up with one it usually happens before too long

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By *penbicoupleCouple
over a year ago

Northampton

"Have you considered hyp notherapy?

I havent does it work? Counselling is the next step whenever that happens"

The most I can say is, when it works it works. As long as there is nothing physical going on, it can be especially helpful for issues like this.

Maybe look into it locally. Lots of therapists are working via skype or zoom.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Have you considered hyp notherapy?

I havent does it work? Counselling is the next step whenever that happens

The most I can say is, when it works it works. As long as there is nothing physical going on, it can be especially helpful for issues like this.

Maybe look into it locally. Lots of therapists are working via skype or zoom. "

Thanks very much will look into it

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By *heShyBiCoupleCouple
over a year ago

Coventry

I eventually got over it as my confidence grew. I would try to steer clear of viagra or other remedies, though I am no expert of course.

Thanks for your comment sounds very similar to me in terms of symptoms luckily not how the woman reacted"

Most people are actually very understanding. We're guys, it happens. It even drops with the missus sometimes but we've put it down to being too tired from work or sometimes too d*unk

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I eventually got over it as my confidence grew. I would try to steer clear of viagra or other remedies, though I am no expert of course.

Thanks for your comment sounds very similar to me in terms of symptoms luckily not how the woman reacted

Most people are actually very understanding. We're guys, it happens. It even drops with the missus sometimes but we've put it down to being too tired from work or sometimes too d*unk

This is true she has been great and very understanding and patient. Want to get it sorted for her as much as for me

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Thanks for the kind words and advice everyone

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By *andlingswingersCouple
over a year ago

Woodbridge

Our male half took one once (no, this isn't the joke about how you have to swallow Viagra quickly or you get a stiff neck) then had a massive argument with his partner of the time, so never found out if it works or not.

Stress will do it. So will alcohol (see Othello, the early bit about how alcohol increases the desire and removes the capacity at the same time, Iago's wife if we remember correctly).

And remember the doctor's advice to cut the cigarettes and alcohol to nothing, just for a week, and walk five miles a day (we do) only works with your partner if you don't end-up 35 miles from home.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Our male half took one once (no, this isn't the joke about how you have to swallow Viagra quickly or you get a stiff neck) then had a massive argument with his partner of the time, so never found out if it works or not.

Stress will do it. So will alcohol (see Othello, the early bit about how alcohol increases the desire and removes the capacity at the same time, Iago's wife if we remember correctly).

And remember the doctor's advice to cut the cigarettes and alcohol to nothing, just for a week, and walk five miles a day (we do) only works with your partner if you don't end-up 35 miles from home."

The reason I dont want to take it is because I know I can get an erection I dont need help achieving one just need help with my confidence. As I said it was just like a switch flipped in my head and hasnt been flicked back yet.

Great advice aswell. I have had one cigarette since January and even before that I was only ever a social smoker to go with a drink or on holiday. Likewise only really a social drinker very rare I will have a drink in the house.

Exercise is something I’m getting back into. The one positive I can take from this lockdown is we have been able to get socially distanced family walks in not necessarily 5miles but a couple of miles most days. I am changing my diet taking in more fruit and water we have our wedding in two years which will be my motivation. Around 15 and half stone at min and want to get that down

Thank you for your reply

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Stress is the main thing....i went to docs about it and found out high cholestrol wasn't helping either....also current job involves sitting on my arse a lot resulting in circulatory problems so as others have said excercising will help.....you have age on your side but for me as a 51 yr old still getting it up should give you hope, just relax and dont think theres a problem when theres not

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Stress is the main thing....i went to docs about it and found out high cholestrol wasn't helping either....also current job involves sitting on my arse a lot resulting in circulatory problems so as others have said excercising will help.....you have age on your side but for me as a 51 yr old still getting it up should give you hope, just relax and dont think theres a problem when theres not

Thank you

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By *penbicoupleCouple
over a year ago

Northampton

"The reason I dont want to take it is because I know I can get an erection I dont need help achieving one just need help with my confidence."

Think of it this way - if you knew you were likely to get an erection, would it not help your confidence?

Then, once that is sorted, you can ditch the viagra, or keep it for special occasions!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"The reason I dont want to take it is because I know I can get an erection I dont need help achieving one just need help with my confidence.

Think of it this way - if you knew you were likely to get an erection, would it not help your confidence?

Then, once that is sorted, you can ditch the viagra, or keep it for special occasions! "

I take your point its just the worry of being reliant on them

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