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Jokes...

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By *razymaybe OP   Couple
over a year ago

Truro

I'm a big fan of silly jokes, one liners and puns. Lots of us would like to meet someone with GSOH so got any sexy ones you would like to share? Or one that just makes you giggle every time?

I will start the ball rolling...

Sex in lifts is wrong on so many levels!

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By *ichaelangelaCouple
over a year ago

notts

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

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By *ichaelangelaCouple
over a year ago

notts

What's the difference between a slut and a bitch? A slut will have sex with anyone, a bitch will have sex with anyone but you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador .” Fuck off!!" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

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By *lik and PaulCouple
over a year ago

cahoots

I got some new beads for my abacus at Christmas.....it's the little things that count.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to.get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),

MUST NOT BEAT ME,

MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,

AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!

ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey- haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair.

The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you ... you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"

Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"????xx

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By *razymaybe OP   Couple
over a year ago

Truro

Ha ha brilliant!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror.

Halloumi

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By *ingle ex cuckMan
over a year ago

chester

why are males with small cocks like floor tiles ?

because once we get layed

women walk all over us

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Definition of embarrassment

Walking into a wall with a hard on.... and breaking your nose.

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By *rank EinsteinMan
over a year ago

Burton upon stather

What do you call a fly with ni wings?

A walk.

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By *rank EinsteinMan
over a year ago

Burton upon stather

A guy walks into a bar.....says OW!

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By *rank EinsteinMan
over a year ago

Burton upon stather

Guy walks into a bar, there's a sign that says "make the donkey laugh, one pound a turn"

Asks the bartender what the crack is. Bartender replies donkey in the back room, put a pound in the jar and if you make him laugh you win the pot.

Guy says alright, puts a pound in the jar and goes in the room. Comes out a minute later and the donkey is in stitches, wins the pot and leaves much to the barkeeps amazment.

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By *rank EinsteinMan
over a year ago

Burton upon stather

Guy goes back a month later, new pot that has a sign that reads "make the donkey cry, win the pot, one pound a turn"

Asks the bartender if it's same as before, he replies yeah.

Puts his pound in then goes in the room, comes out a minute later and the donkey is in tears.

Goes to claim the pot and the bartender asks how he did it both times?

Guy replies "first time I told the donkey my Dick was bigger than his......second time I proved it"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why is having sex in a canoe like American beer?

It's fucking close to water

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By *lutandhubbyCouple
over a year ago

west midlands

WARNING.

I've been getting spammed in messenger by a guy called Buster. He keeps sending me videos of songs by the 70s band The Sweet. Does anyone know a way, there's got to be a way to block Buster.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

There's nothing worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face... apart from finding out that it was traced

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By *hocolate_HeavenMan
over a year ago

Birmingham and Dubai

I just found an origami porn channel, but it is paper view only.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The difference between a vitamin and a hormone

You cant hear a vitamin

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By *ensuallover1000Man
over a year ago

Somewhere In The Ether…

[Removed by poster at 17/01/18 02:41:26]

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By *ensuallover1000Man
over a year ago

Somewhere In The Ether…

Bob and Sarah are walking through the woods one day when Sarah suddenly declares that she needs to take a wee. With this in mind, off she goes and squats behind a bush. Bob at this point (and for reasons best known only to himself) suddenly has a sexual urge and subsequently creeps up to aforementioned bush and proceeds to place his hand between Sarah’s legs. Low and behold though, Bob is highly surprised to feel something dangling between her thighs.

‘Good God!’ Bob exclaims, ‘Have you changed sex Sarah?!’ He enquires. ‘No.’ Replies Sarah, ‘But I have changed my mind..........I’m taking a shit.’

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you get hanging from banana trees?... Sore arms

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A little old lady was in the kitchen one day, just washing the dishes and cleaning up when suddenly a little genie appeared beside her. “You’ve led a long and good life” the genie said, ” So I have come to reward you by granting you three wishes. Ask for anything you want and I will make it happen, I promise.”

The old lady was very surprised and obviously cynical. Not really believing that anything would happen she decided to play along for a minute. “Ok” she said, “turn all those dirty dishes into money.” With that ‘poof’ and miraculously the dishes had, indeed, turned into a big pile of cash.

“Oh my” said the old lady, staggered that it had actually worked, “Then perhaps you could make me look young and beautiful again?” There was another big poof and the woman now looked lots younger and was very, very good looking. Excitedly she carried on, “Can you turn my dear old cat into a handsome young man?”

Once more there was a big poof, and the cat was replaced by a handsome young man. Smiling devilishly she turned to the young man and said “At last! Now I want to make love with you for the rest of the day and all night too!” The young man just looked at her for moment then replied in a high pitched voice, “Well you should have thought about that before you took me to the vet shouldn’t you!”

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Ad in the local paper

Size 20 wedding dress for sale

Never worn x

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By *ussiesCouple
over a year ago

gwent

My little budgie broke his leg today, so I made him a splint out of two match sticks.

You should have seen his little face light up as he tried to walk.

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By *itch and TwatCouple
over a year ago

Nr Rushden Lakes


"What's the difference between a slut and a bitch? A slut will have sex with anyone, a bitch will have sex with anyone but you."

Bitch is offended, and so is our friend Slut lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A jew walks into a bar... and buys it

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By *rank EinsteinMan
over a year ago

Burton upon stather

After a cock up with the hotel booking three blokes end up having to share a bed.

Following morning first guy says "I had a dream I was getting wanked off last night"

Second guy says "that's wierd, me too"

Third guy says "I dreamt I was skiing"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once. I need something to keep me ready and keep me potent"......

The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label **Viagra Extra Strength** and says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go nuts for twelve hours".....

The guy says, "Gimme three boxes".....

The next day, the guy walks into the same pharmacy, limps up to the pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's ‘member’ is black and blue, mangled and chunks of skin are hanging off in some places.

In a pained voice, the man moans out, "Gimme a bottle of Deep Heat".....

The pharmacist replies in horror, "You can't put Deep Heat on that"...!!!

The man replies, "No, it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up".....!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I’m loving this thread

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By *artythemanMan
over a year ago

hythe (southampton)

2 monkeys in a bath 1 says to the other OOWWWW OOWWWWE AAHHH AHHHHH the other 1 says put some cold water in

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Lady Ignite and Tame Impala are having sex and lady ignite asks, is it in yet?

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By *naquest321Man
over a year ago

Carlisle

After finishing sex, the woman says to her partner, how come you’re grey up there but not down there. He says, I don’t have any bloody worries down there.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"After finishing sex, the woman says to her partner, how come you’re grey up there but not down there. He says, I don’t have any bloody worries down there. "

What

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I love you op

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By *J RHEAMan
over a year ago

S West

One of my fav's is on my profile.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why is a woman so happy on her wedding day?

Because she knows she's given her last blowjob.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What did the cell say when its sibling stood on its foot?

Mitosis

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My ex girlfriend had a tattoo of a shell on her thigh...

I swear if you put your ear to it you could smell the sea!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"My ex girlfriend had a tattoo of a shell on her thigh...

I swear if you put your ear to it you could smell the sea!"

Hahahahaha

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By *naquest321Man
over a year ago

Carlisle

I like a woman with a tattoo on her back. Well it gives you something to read when your in the shitter.

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By *lutandhubbyCouple
over a year ago

west midlands

The bastard that stole my diary has died.

My thoughts are with his family now.....

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By *attoo manMan
over a year ago

Rhyl


"I like a woman with a tattoo on her back. Well it gives you something to read when your in the shitter. "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 21/06/18 20:13:39]

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By *attoo manMan
over a year ago

Rhyl

Two old women at the movies. One says to the other. Mavis this man next to me, is having a wank. Just ignore him.I cant he is using my hand.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Argentina's defending and goalie

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I seen rolf harris in the queue at the airport going to florida .. I said are you going to Disney land rolf . he said no im going to tampa with the kids

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

a woman said the other day I remind her of a pepper pot … I suppose ill take it as a condiment

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My music teacher from school was arrested...

Turned out he was caught fingering A Minor.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What did the saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

If we dont get some support people are going to think were nuts!

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By *lutandhubbyCouple
over a year ago

west midlands

An Emergency Call Centre worker has been fired in Rotherham much to the dismay of her colleagues, who were unhappy with her dismissal.

It seems that a caller dialled 999 from a cell phone stating, "I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet Allah."To which the call centre employee replied, "Remain calm and stay on the line"

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By *wo4FemCouple
over a year ago

Birmingham

My flatmate's been hard at work all day today.

I slipped a Viagra in his breakfast this morning.

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By *lutandhubbyCouple
over a year ago

west midlands

"I only put my cutlery in the dishwasher. What's wrong with that?", I asked...."Stabbing your wife with a knife and fork is not "Putting your cutlery in the dishwasher", you sick bastard!", exclaimed the police officer.

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By *r_PinkMan
over a year ago

london stratford

(I am Jewish do forget the pc!)

What's a Jewish dilemma?

FREE PORK!!!!!

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By *ara JTV/TS
over a year ago

Bristol East

I asked the barman for a double entendre. So he gave me one.

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By *r_PinkMan
over a year ago

london stratford

An Irishman, a Scotsman and a English man walk in to a pub and the Welsh barman says "is this some kinda joke?"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I don’t do jokes

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two cannibals are eating a clown ... one nudged the other and said “does this taste funny to you?!”

x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Two old women at the movies. One says to the other. Mavis this man next to me, is having a wank. Just ignore him.I cant he is using my hand. "

Ohhhhmygod love it!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My mate said his cock is like grenfell tower

As its always buned out

Too soon?

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By *lutandhubbyCouple
over a year ago

west midlands

Lady's dishwasher breaks down, so she calls a repairman. She has to go out so tells him, "Don't worry about my bulldog, he won't bother you, but whatever you do, don't under any circumstances, talk to my parrot!" The man starts work, wary of the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he's ever seen, but it just lays there watching him work. The parrot however, drives him nuts, yelling & cursing. Finally, the man snaps & yells, "Shut the fuck up, ya annoyin' bastard!" Parrot replies,

"GET HIM SPIKE!!"

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