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"Lets here them folks... Did you hear about the magic tractor? It went down the lane and turned into a field..ba-dum-tsshh! I went to a club, they played dance...... So I danced, then they played jump..... so I jumped, then they played come on Eileen.... I was thrown out " | |||
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"When does a beaver become a cub when hes tried his first brownie " | |||
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"I told my Psychiatrist that all my friends tease me because I like sausages .. He said there’s nothing wrong with that, I like sausages too .. Really I said, would you like to call at my house to see the collection, I have hundreds of them " | |||
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"My gay best friend asked his local butcher for the largest sausage he had, to which the butcher replied “do you want it sliced?” To which my friend replied “what do you think my arse is a money box”" | |||
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"Where did hitler keep how armies? Up his sleevies " Maybe that should say his not how | |||
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"What do you call a blind deer? No eyed deer " what do you call a deer ,with no eyes and no legs. still no idea | |||
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"My gay best friend asked his local butcher for the largest sausage he had, to which the butcher replied “do you want it sliced?” To which my friend replied “what do you think my arse is a money box” " That’s funny!,, | |||
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"A copper came to a school to do a talk on heroin Couldn’t understand a word he was on about " Apparently in yorkshire the trend is injecting ecstacy into your mouths . . . They're calling it ' e' by gum ' | |||
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"What do you call a blind deer? No eyed deer what do you call a deer ,with no eyes and no legs. still no idea " I hadn't heard that one lol | |||
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"As the sperm dripped down my wife's chin, I looked in her eyes and asked " Do you like that ? " "No" She relied. " What the fuck is in this sandwich ? " " | |||
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"I've just been on Trip Advisor. There's fuck all information about a twisted ankle and a grazed knee." Laugh out loud!! | |||
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"Man: doctor I think my wife is dead.. Doctor: what makes you think that? Man: well the sex is the same but the washing up is piling up" Haha | |||
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"Yesterday there was this guy on our street, shaking powder everywhere out of a big box. "What are you doing?" I asked him. "It's elephant powder", he said. "But there aren't any elephants around here", I pointed out. "I know," he says. "Good stuff isn't it."" | |||
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"A copper came to a school to do a talk on heroin Couldn’t understand a word he was on about Apparently in yorkshire the trend is injecting ecstacy into your mouths . . . They're calling it ' e' by gum '" lol | |||
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"What do you call a blind deer? No eye deer what do you call a deer, with no eyes and no legs. still no idea " What do you call a deer with no ears, no legs and no eyes? Definitely still no eye deer. | |||
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"Ever wondered why the River Mersey runs through Liverpool? Because if it walked, it would get mugged" | |||
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"What do you call a blind deer? No eye deer what do you call a deer, with no eyes and no legs. still no idea What do you call a deer with no ears, no legs and no eyes? Definitely still no eye deer. " What do you call a deer with no, ears, legs, eyes or balls? Definitely still no fucking idea | |||
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"What do you call a blind deer? No eye deer what do you call a deer, with no eyes and no legs. still no idea What do you call a deer with no ears, no legs and no eyes? Definitely still no eye deer. What do you call a deer with no, ears, legs, eyes or balls? Definitely still no fucking idea" Is that not a spin off the old joke Whatd'ya call a guy with no left eye/leg/arm - allrite? | |||
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"Lol. I've only just seen this thread. Well done guys. Well done " | |||
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"I asked my butcher if he had a sheep's head. He said no, it was just the way he combed his hair." Hahaaaaa What did the cannibal say after he ate the clown? "it tasted a bit funny " | |||
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"Why has Noddy got bells on his hat? Because he's a cunt " What’s tartan and white? Rupert the Fridge | |||
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" Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Doubledecker. It was After Eight. They got off at Quality Street. He asked her name 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole'. She said with a Wispa. 'I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts'. He replied. He touched her creme eggs and put his hand into her Snickers. He fondled her flapjacks and she rubbed his tic tacs. It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight and he shot his chewy centre. But 3 days later his Sherbert Dibdab started to itch. Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he's got fuckin Allsorts ????????????????" Haha. Very good | |||
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" Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Doubledecker. It was After Eight. They got off at Quality Street. He asked her name 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole'. She said with a Wispa. 'I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts'. He replied. He touched her creme eggs and put his hand into her Snickers. He fondled her flapjacks and she rubbed his tic tacs. It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight and he shot his chewy centre. But 3 days later his Sherbert Dibdab started to itch. Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he's got fuckin Allsorts ????????????????" Very good! | |||
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"I bought one of those new U2 sat navs for my car last week and it’s rubbish-the streets have no name and I still haven’t found what I’m looking for!" | |||
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"What’s got 2 wings and a halo? A Chinese phone Sorry " | |||
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"What do you call a man with a car on his head..... Jack." What do you call a woman balancing a pint of bitter on her head whilst scoring a maximum break at snooker?...... Beatrix Potter (Actually, I think that’s genius, not crap. There, I said it)! | |||
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"A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking Vegas hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, ‘How much do you charge?’ Hooker replies, ‘It starts at $500 for a hand-job.’ Guy says, ‘$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap, no hand-job is worth that kind of money!’ The hooker says, ‘Do you see that Denny's on the corner?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Well,’ says the hooker, smiling invitingly, ‘I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500.’ Guy says, ‘What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try.’ They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, ‘I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?’ The hooker replies, ‘$1,500.’ ‘I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!’ The hooker replies, ‘Step over here to the window, big boy.’ ‘Do you see that casino just across the street?’ ‘I own that casino outright.’ ‘And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500.’ The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, ‘Sign me up.’ Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but, he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, ‘How much for some pussy?’ The hooker says, ‘Come over here to the window, I want to show you something.’ Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and show places?’ "Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?" "No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy." " Laffed out loud on this one | |||
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" I've got a Geordie mate who can't understand why Aldi isn't open 24 hours! " *yoink* My sister hates tampons She says they're stuck up cunts | |||
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" Apparently, the motto of the French Navy is At the water, it is time. Or in French A l'eau, c'est l'heure. " *applause* | |||
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"Lets here them folks... Did you hear about the magic tractor? It went down the lane and turned into a field..ba-dum-tsshh! I went to a club, they played dance...... So I danced, then they played jump..... so I jumped, then they played come on Eileen.... I was thrown out " | |||
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" Apparently, the motto of the French Navy is At the water, it is time. Or in French A l'eau, c'est l'heure. " Tres bien! | |||
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"What’s brown and sticky? A stick." Stupidest joke ever . But i chuckled | |||
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"Who understands Roman Numerals? I for one." Roman numerals??? Not on my watch!! | |||
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"Lets here them folks... Did you hear about the magic tractor? It went down the lane and turned into a field..ba-dum-tsshh! I went to a club, they played dance...... So I danced, then they played jump..... so I jumped, then they played come on Eileen.... I was thrown out " | |||
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"Doctor, Doctor, I've got a steering wheel stuck in my pants. Doctor: Is it giving you any pain? It's driving me nuts." | |||
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"A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking Vegas hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, ‘How much do you charge?’ Hooker replies, ‘It starts at $500 for a hand-job.’ Guy says, ‘$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap, no hand-job is worth that kind of money!’ The hooker says, ‘Do you see that Denny's on the corner?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Well,’ says the hooker, smiling invitingly, ‘I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500.’ Guy says, ‘What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try.’ They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, ‘I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?’ The hooker replies, ‘$1,500.’ ‘I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!’ The hooker replies, ‘Step over here to the window, big boy.’ ‘Do you see that casino just across the street?’ ‘I own that casino outright.’ ‘And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500.’ The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, ‘Sign me up.’ Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but, he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, ‘How much for some pussy?’ The hooker says, ‘Come over here to the window, I want to show you something.’ Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and show places?’ "Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?" "No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy." " Loved it | |||
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"Who understands Roman Numerals? I for one. Roman numerals??? Not on my watch!!" Killick and two?? | |||
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