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Have a laugh post a joke

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Post a joke guys lets try to bring a smile to each other's beautiful faces. So i'l start of course.

Did you hear the joke about the bin?

It doesn't matter it was 'rubbish' anyway lol x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why did Captain Kirk's wife have a turd on her head? Because William Shatner

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

the elephant says to the naked man. "its cute...but can it pick up peanuts"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I walked into the butchers carrying an empty bin bag and said a pound a fillet. The butcher replied a pound you don't

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By *amiePhuktMan
over a year ago

Bristol

How much does a Red hot chill pepper weigh???

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!

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By *ty31Man
over a year ago

NW London

Why doesn't viagra work on West Ham fans?

They only get hard when ten of their mates are standing behind them!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Did you hear about the lorry carrying terapins crashing

It was a turtle disaster

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was gonna post an anal joke...

Butt fuck it...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Batman come up to me the other day and hit me over the head with a vase and said tapow, I said don't you kapow? He said no, I have China in my hands.

Ginger

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Why doesn't viagra work on West Ham fans?

They only get hard when ten of their mates are standing behind them!"

Being West Ham's goalkeeper is like being at a massive orgy. You've got 10 arseholes in front of you and a thousand dicks just behind you

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Why doesn't viagra work on West Ham fans?

They only get hard when ten of their mates are standing behind them!

Being West Ham's goalkeeper is like being at a massive orgy. You've got 10 arseholes in front of you and a thousand dicks just behind you"

LOL

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By *lmostthereMan
over a year ago

Southampton

I would like to post a philosophical pun, but I just Kant.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two nuns in the shower. One says: "where's the soap?"

The second answers, "it does, doesn't it".

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By *ieman300Man
over a year ago

Best Greggs in Cheshire East

Two nuns walking down the street when a guy jumps out and flashes them.

One had a heart attack the other had a stroke....

I am so sorry lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Was gonna post a joke about my cock...

But it's too long

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Was gonna post another joke about my cock...

But you'll never get it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What thinks the unthinkable?

An itheberg.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I scared the postman today by going to the door naked.

I'm not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Jokes about PMT are not funny.

Period!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Congratulations A

Congratulations B

Congratulations C

It looks like congratulations are in order

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By *amiePhuktMan
over a year ago

Bristol


"I scared the postman today by going to the door naked.

I'm not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived

"

LOL I tell the male version of that joke

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just found out I have a Chinese half brother after all these years.

I can't wait to meet Mi Sib Ling

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I scared the postman today by going to the door naked.

I'm not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived

LOL I tell the male version of that joke "

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By *amiePhuktMan
over a year ago

Bristol

I got told to stop masturbating by my doctor today I said "why?" she said "because I'm trying to fucking examine you!" lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I saw this advert in a window that said: ‘Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.’

I thought, ‘I can’t turn that down.'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

And for our final band of the night, would you please welcome "The Bailiffs"

Take it away boys ...

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By *amiePhuktMan
over a year ago

Bristol

Velcro.... What a rip off!!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why are mountains so funny?

Because they're hill areas!

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By *ieman300Man
over a year ago

Best Greggs in Cheshire East


"Congratulations A

Congratulations B

Congratulations C

It looks like congratulations are in order"

That is so bad its ace haha

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control.

I thought to myself "well this changes everything"

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By *amiePhuktMan
over a year ago

Bristol

House of cards to return without spacey....

Houseofcards

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

And finally ... (for now )

A man died today due to his obsession of taking photos of himself next to a boiling kettle.

Police believe he had serious selfie steam issues

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By *amiePhuktMan
over a year ago

Bristol


"And finally ... (for now )

A man died today due to his obsession of taking photos of himself next to a boiling kettle.

Police believe he had serious selfie steam issues

"

Awesome lmao

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By *ieman300Man
over a year ago

Best Greggs in Cheshire East


"And finally ... (for now )

A man died today due to his obsession of taking photos of himself next to a boiling kettle.

Police believe he had serious selfie steam issues

"

Haha

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why did the socks laugh?

Because the washing machine was taking the piss out of the knickers.

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By *ieman300Man
over a year ago

Best Greggs in Cheshire East


"Why did the socks laugh?

Because the washing machine was taking the piss out of the knickers."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"And finally ... (for now )

A man died today due to his obsession of taking photos of himself next to a boiling kettle.

Police believe he had serious selfie steam issues

Awesome lmao "

I thank you

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"And finally ... (for now )

A man died today due to his obsession of taking photos of himself next to a boiling kettle.

Police believe he had serious selfie steam issues

Haha"

I have many more ... but don't worry ... they're not all coming out tonight

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Why did the socks laugh?

Because the washing machine was taking the piss out of the knickers."

Poor socks

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Congratulations A

Congratulations B

Congratulations C

It looks like congratulations are in order

That is so bad its ace haha"

The bad ones tend to be the best

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By *amiePhuktMan
over a year ago

Bristol

Egg and a sausage in a frying pan sausage says " hot in here isn't it" egg says " fuck me a talking sausage!!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Egg and a sausage in a frying pan sausage says " hot in here isn't it" egg says " fuck me a talking sausage!!" "

That's a bit old but still love it!!!!

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By *amiePhuktMan
over a year ago

Bristol


"Egg and a sausage in a frying pan sausage says " hot in here isn't it" egg says " fuck me a talking sausage!!"

That's a bit old but still love it!!!! "

I'm trying to behave and not be dark lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Egg and a sausage in a frying pan sausage says " hot in here isn't it" egg says " fuck me a talking sausage!!"

That's a bit old but still love it!!!!

I'm trying to behave and not be dark lol "

You can misbehave a bit ... not everyone will get offended

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By *amiePhuktMan
over a year ago

Bristol


"Egg and a sausage in a frying pan sausage says " hot in here isn't it" egg says " fuck me a talking sausage!!"

That's a bit old but still love it!!!!

I'm trying to behave and not be dark lol

You can misbehave a bit ... not everyone will get offended

"

LOL trust me they will ha

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

the tennis stadium was quite all you could hear were the players puffs pants sharp breaths and grunts it was a bloody racket

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I dare not, I've been told my jokes are horrific and not in a good way either

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By *asilForty77Man
over a year ago

a hundred and sixty of us living in a small shoebox in the middle of the road

why did the baker have brown hands?

because he kneaded the poo

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By *rumpyMcFuckNuggetMan
over a year ago

Den of Iniquity


"How much does a Red hot chill pepper weigh???

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!

"

Love it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The magic tractor when down the road and turned into a field

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By *otSoNewWalesCoupleCouple
over a year ago

South Wales

The God of War rode out one day

Upon his handsome filly.

"I'm THOR!" he cried.

The horse replied

"You forgot your thaddle thilly."

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By *rumpyMcFuckNuggetMan
over a year ago

Den of Iniquity

My wife wanted a holiday on the Norfolk Broads so I went online . My " c " button is broke on my laptop . I got arrested for looking up canal cruising

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By *litterbabeWoman
over a year ago

hiding from cock pics.

These are fantastic!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I don’t know any rude ones

But my sons favourite.....

What did one eye say to the other?

There’s something between us that smells!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's the difference between TV and TS?

A TV girl can't wait to get home to put a bra on. A TS girl can't wait to get home to take one off.

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By *exymamma90Woman
over a year ago

Leicester

In a field there's thirty cows twentyeight chickens how many didn't x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why did the pervert cross the road?

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By *amiePhuktMan
over a year ago

Bristol


"In a field there's thirty cows twentyeight chickens how many didn't x"

10

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By *lanPartridgeMan
over a year ago

nottingham

I tried to sell my old spittoon on ebay, and started a bding war ...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Egg and a sausage in a frying pan sausage says " hot in here isn't it" egg says " fuck me a talking sausage!!" "

My favourite clean joke of all time I always use it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

They say you are what you eat so obviously I'm a cunt.

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By *eus n EuropaCouple
over a year ago

louth

I hear a Chinese Paleontologist has discovered what he believes to be the world's first lesbian dinasor, aparentantly it's an:-

"I likcked a lod puss"

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By *amiePhuktMan
over a year ago

Bristol

Two cows in a field ones says " ere I'm really worried about this BSE disease"

The other replies " I don't give a fuck I'm a tractor"

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By *icearmsMan
over a year ago

KIDLINGTON

Why did the chewing gum cross the road? Because it was stuck to the chickens foot.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

There's a new alcoholic vagina gel that women can rub on their flaps, so when the bloke goes down he can have a bevvy as well.

However, the government have banned it, amid fears of 24 hour minge drinking

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By *izzy RascallMan
over a year ago

Cardiff

I call my dog 'Cigarette' cos it's only got 3 legs.

I take it out for a drag every night.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why did the pervert cross the road?

He was stuck in the chicken

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By *izzy RascallMan
over a year ago

Cardiff

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By *riskynriskyCouple
over a year ago

Essex.

Two nuns driving down the road.

Suddenly Dracula jumps out in front of them.

Skidding to a halt, one of the nuns turns to the other and said "Show him your cross sister!"

The other nun wound down the window and shouted "Get out the road you toothy cunt!"...

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By *amiePhuktMan
over a year ago

Bristol

Why are pirates called pirates??

Cos they Aaaarrr!!

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By *rozacMan
over a year ago

london

What's pink & retarded?

A flamongo

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By *asilForty77Man
over a year ago

a hundred and sixty of us living in a small shoebox in the middle of the road

Why are there no phone books in China?

Because there are so many Wing's Wong's,and Wangs they are afraid you will Wing the Wong Wang

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why cant barbie get pregnant?

Because ken always cums in another box

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By *unkym34Man
over a year ago

London

What's the point in flavoured condoms? I've never meet a fanny that can taste.

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By *rozacMan
over a year ago

london

Bad actors have their work cut out for them

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Why did Captain Kirk's wife have a turd on her head? Because William Shatner "

Are you sure that wasn't just the captain's log? x

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By *ieman300Man
over a year ago

Best Greggs in Cheshire East


"The God of War rode out one day

Upon his handsome filly.

"I'm THOR!" he cried.

The horse replied

"You forgot your thaddle thilly.""

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By *ieman300Man
over a year ago

Best Greggs in Cheshire East


"Two nuns driving down the road.

Suddenly Dracula jumps out in front of them.

Skidding to a halt, one of the nuns turns to the other and said "Show him your cross sister!"

The other nun wound down the window and shouted "Get out the road you toothy cunt!"..."

Haha

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By *ildbillkidMan
over a year ago

where the road goes on forever

A blind man walked into a store, picked up his sc dog and started swinging the poor dog around by the leash, the blind man was just having a look around

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By *rumpyMcFuckNuggetMan
over a year ago

Den of Iniquity

I asked my wife to sexually stimulate me with a keyring but she kept fobbing me off .

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What did the constipated mathematician do?

Worked it out with a pencil....

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By *inaryGuyMan
over a year ago

Near the River


"Why doesn't viagra work on West Ham fans?

They only get hard when ten of their mates are standing behind them!"

Thanks...you must be a Spurs fan

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why did the milkman cross the road? Because I threw a frijj at him

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By *inaryGuyMan
over a year ago

Near the River

What's the difference between light and hard?

You can sleep with the light on.

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By *odernIdiotMan
over a year ago

Somewhere Rural

My favourite joke:

Why did the hedgehog cross the road?

To see his flat mate!

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By *inaryGuyMan
over a year ago

Near the River


"Just found out I have a Chinese half brother after all these years.

I can't wait to meet Mi Sib Ling"

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By *rozacMan
over a year ago

london

what's white and blue and sits in a field?

A fridge in denim

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How many Surrealists does it take to change a bulb.....fish!

Half way to cloakroom!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What did the 0 say to the 8?

Nice belt

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By *ighland gentlemanMan
over a year ago

Ardgay

Why was 6 so scared?

Because 7 8 9.

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By *lmostthereMan
over a year ago

Southampton

Oooh a Fab appropriate one:

I stopped masturbating over a week ago now.... haven't really felt myself since.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I saw this advert in a window that said: ‘Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.’

I thought, ‘I can’t turn that down.'"

hahaha

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By *lmostthereMan
over a year ago

Southampton

Oh and my 7 year old told me this one today:

A French cat and an English cat had a swimming race. Which one won?

The English cat because the French cat sank...

(Quatre cinq).

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of s. As he does so, a huge fish jumps out of the water and bites him. To show the fish who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade.

Realising his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the Lions.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he gets attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two of the chimps with his spade, killing them both. 'Feed them to the lions.' He says to himself. So he hurls the corpses into the Lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the Lions cage.

Later that day a new Lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion

and says "Alright pal. What's the food like here?"

The Lion replies, "Fucking brilliant mate, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees."

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By *rozacMan
over a year ago

london


"A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of s. As he does so, a huge fish jumps out of the water and bites him. To show the fish who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade.

Realising his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the Lions.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he gets attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two of the chimps with his spade, killing them both. 'Feed them to the lions.' He says to himself. So he hurls the corpses into the Lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the Lions cage.

Later that day a new Lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion

and says "Alright pal. What's the food like here?"

The Lion replies, "Fucking brilliant mate, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees."

"

Fucking.YES

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You can tell a lot about a person by their car.

For example: if it's in a ditch, it's a woman's

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why do scuba Divers fall backwards into the water?

If they fell forwards they'd still be on the boat........

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a man with a 1 inch dick.......

.justin

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By *ENGUYMan
over a year ago

Hull

Earlier today, I was standing in the local supermarket check out queue, behind an OAP.

Her answer to the cashier when told how much her groceries bill came to was "Oh dear, I'm missing £10 from my purse, I thought I'd enough money. Looks like I'll have to put my shopping back on the shelves!"

I thought, "Let's do the decent thing here for this old lady; it could be my Mum standing there!"

Five minutes later, I helped her put her shopping back on the shelves!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Post a joke guys lets try to bring a smile to each other's beautiful faces. So i'l start of course.

Did you hear the joke about the bin?

It doesn't matter it was 'rubbish' anyway lol x"

Loving this thread!

Nice one Jason

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Broccoli: Hey, I look like a tree.

Mushroom: Wow, I look just like an umbrella.

Walnut: I look exactly like a brain.

Banana: Man, can we change the topic please

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By *rozacMan
over a year ago

london

i love a woman with a trimmed bush because it makes it easier to see in her windows

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 18/12/17 06:14:11]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two reasons why I don't drink toilet water

Number 1.

Number 2.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My mum said "there was someone knocking at the door with a beard."

I replied "no wonder I couldn't hear him"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

3.14% of sailors are PI rates

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"3.14% of sailors are PI rates

"

Someone's on a roll

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By *ercuryMan
over a year ago

Grantham

Overcame my shyness and went to the Sperm Bank to donate.

Receptionist said "can you masturbate in the cup?"

I replied "it's my first time, don't you think it's a bit soon to ask me to be wanking in a tournament!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A doctor asked my friend "do you know your sperm count?"

He said "Really? I didn't know they were that clever!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"3.14% of sailors are PI rates

Someone's on a roll "

Insomnia brings out the comedienne in me!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

February 29th... The only day a man doesn't want to see a woman on her knees in front of him

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By *ighland gentlemanMan
over a year ago

Ardgay

What's a pirate's favourite pet?

An Aaarrdvark

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The Internet has become too politically correct, what's all this nonsense about disabled cookies?

In my day they were called broken biscuits!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why can a cock only be 11 inches long?

.

.

.

.

Because if it was 12 inches long it would be a foot.

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By *ammyharrogateWoman
over a year ago

Harrogate

Two prostitutes stood on a corner, the first prostitute turns to the other excited and says “it’s going to be great night tonight I can smell the cock in the air!”

The second one turns to her and says “oops sorry I just burped”

Sorry my grandad tells me that alll the time he thinks it’s hilar

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By *ammyharrogateWoman
over a year ago

Harrogate


"Two prostitutes stood on a corner, the first prostitute turns to the other excited and says “it’s going to be great night tonight I can smell the cock in the air!”

The second one turns to her and says “oops sorry I just burped”

Sorry my grandad tells me that alll the time he thinks it’s hilar "

*hilarous

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By *rozacMan
over a year ago

london

Fucking NHS.fell off the ladder putting up the Xmas tree. A&E doctor said i broke my arm in 3 places even after i told him repeatedly ive only been at home tonight

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By *riskynriskyCouple
over a year ago

Essex.

My sister took going to jail really badly.

She didn't go without a fight, kicking and screaming.

She spat at everyone, refused food and drink, smeared shit on the walls.

We never played Monopoly again.

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By *estmidscoupleCouple
over a year ago

West Midlands


"Batman come up to me the other day and hit me over the head with a vase and said tapow, I said don't you kapow? He said no, I have China in my hands.

Ginger "

quality

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By *arkstaffsMan
over a year ago

Rugeley

Did you hear about the bloke who took British Airways to court about his mising luggage?

He lost his case...

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