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Masculinity and emotions

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By *iker Jack OP   Man
28 weeks ago

Wolverhampton

Please bear with me on this one

I was having a conversation earlier and was quite thought provoking.

Men of a certain age, mid 40s plus, are struggling with masculinity. Often brought up by parents or grandparents where the man went to work and the woman ran the house or worked part time but was expected to do everything else.

We now live in an era where this is totally different on the whole, and I will add rightfully so.

What we saw as kids is engrained somewhere in us, we hear ourselves say it “I’m sounding just like my dad”

Men of a certain age did not be seen to cry, go to the doctors, it was not seen a masculine

So we now live in different times. For the men in here have you had to embrace a different side of you, the emotional one, and actually realise it’s okay? Or do you still feel the need to be somewhat distanced from your emotions

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By *asterMeliodasMan
28 weeks ago

Newmill

I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I'm proud of that. I make no apologies for the "feminine" parts of my personality, nor what I lack in traditional masculine ones.

I'm glad society has shifted (or is shifting) towards a point where people can just live the lives they want to rather than having parts of it predetermined by genetics and the expectations of people who will never be even remotely affected by it.

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By *tephenAndHisPicklenicMan
28 weeks ago

Ends

Beautiful thread OP.

I find this stuff extremely interesting. And actually attended a dinner party space recently where this came up.

I hope men continue to talk and we continue to create space for us to be emotional.

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By *tephenAndHisPicklenicMan
28 weeks ago

Ends

The thing is, this still lives in younger generations because they are raised by these men and women with these expectations of gender and so their gender socialisation is the same. Yes it’s challenged more by society but still. It’s why I suspect so many young men are also drawn to traditional, outdated types of masculinity these days too

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By (user no longer on site)
28 weeks ago

My dad was born in the late 1940’s, his dad was emotionally distanced from his children and he and my father never got along, my dad was different in the way of emotional intelligence, he was a very loving man, always there for emotional support and guidance, he was a big ol’ teddy bear.

I miss him very much

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By *ealitybitesMan
28 weeks ago

Belfast

I've honestly never struggled with whatever definition of masculinity is popular at a particular time.

Both my parents worked up to a certain age and my dad could make the dinner just as easily as he could mow the lawn.

I didn't know my paternal grandparents but my maternal grandfather did most of the cooking as well as run his own business from home, generations before it was a thing.

My inability to express emotion is partly to do with having anhedonia rather than being afraid of it putting a dent in my masculinity.

I know everyone grows up in different circumstances but having to become an adult aged 12 has made me very aware of other people's emotions and how they express them.

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By *d mirerMan
28 weeks ago

lost

I was brought up in similar times but not in that way . I was lucky to have spent a lot of time with my grandparents (more than my parents in truth ) I was brought up to feel open about my emotions and issues , not be afraid of them and not be afraid of anyone’s attitude towards them . I do hide my emotions (as I’m sure a lot of us do) to the world in general , but not to those in my world .

It’s a good thing that people are evolving to be more open . Showing emotion doesn’t diminish masculinity , I’d say if masculinity comes into it being open and strong in your emotions adds to one’s masculinity.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
28 weeks ago

East Sussex

I notice much more willingness from many of the younger men I know to be open about their feelings and to show affection to their male friends. I can't imagine my father hugging a man friend but the men I know in their thirties readily embrace their mates. They also talk things through with each other, are openly affectionate with their children and show emotional support. It's definitely a change for the better.

My dad who grew up in the 1930s on the other hand is convinced that wearing deodorant means you're gay.

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By *asterMeliodasMan
28 weeks ago

Newmill


"I notice much more willingness from many of the younger men I know to be open about their feelings and to show affection to their male friends. I can't imagine my father hugging a man friend but the men I know in their thirties readily embrace their mates. They also talk things through with each other, are openly affectionate with their children and show emotional support. It's definitely a change for the better.

My dad who grew up in the 1930s on the other hand is convinced that wearing deodorant means you're gay. "

It's the ones who think washing your arse makes you gay that horrify me.

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By *odrigoRomeroMan
28 weeks ago

Twixt Purgatory & Palookaville

Not been posting here long but have found myself fessing up to crying at a gig and now films already.I Think it's good to take ownership of these sort of things! As I'd expect on a site like this, the majority of people seem to be the non judgemental type which is bloody great tbf!

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By *oandstephCouple
28 weeks ago

Bradford

Have to say im very still engrained in this way of thinking never moan complain or get ill just get on with it as bills wont pay themselves nor does it gain or solve any problems

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By *iberius61Man
28 weeks ago

Pontefract


"...My dad who grew up in the 1930s on the other hand is convinced that wearing deodorant means you're gay. "

The generational thing. It's really quite funny sometimes. Actually it isn't really generational as such, it's a bit longer than that. Not sure exactly, but there's a definite pre/post war difference (2nd world war). Like you and your father there's a definite values difference between my parents and me, but I don't think there's anything like that difference between me and my late 20s son.

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By *olfandtazCouple
28 weeks ago

Bristol

I used to wear my heart on my sleeve until I went through a very rough break up, this was several years ago and my walls are still up now, even after 2 amazing years with taz.

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By *hilloutMan
28 weeks ago

All over the place! Northwesr, , Southwest

I have no issues with my masculinity. I am the stoic type, and don't express or talk much about my emotions or feelings with others. When something bothers me, I rarely talk to others and process things alone. I consider my personality type to be resilient and the kind to 'just get on with it'.

That doesn't mean I'll be critical of those who show their emotional side more, it's just not the way I'm wired.

Showing your emotions or talking about your feelings is fine, but I have little sympathy when this crosses over into emotional incontinence.

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By *oandstephCouple
28 weeks ago

Bradford


"I have no issues with my masculinity. I am the stoic type, and don't express or talk much about my emotions or feelings with others. When something bothers me, I rarely talk to others and process things alone. I consider my personality type to be resilient and the kind to 'just get on with it'.

That doesn't mean I'll be critical of those who show their emotional side more, it's just not the way I'm wired.

Showing your emotions or talking about your feelings is fine, but I have little sympathy when this crosses over into emotional incontinence. "
thats me (leave me alone in the shed or garden im figuring stuff out)

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By *naswingdressWoman
28 weeks ago

Manchester (she/her)

I'm glad this cultural shift is happening, and it gives men permission to have a full range of emotions.

I've spoken before about my grandfather, at my grandmother's funeral. She died horribly, and was under 60. I was sitting next to him - I was in primary school - and he was crying. I tried to comfort him and he pushed me away. I eventually worked out that he didn't want anyone to see him cry, not even under those circumstances. Those most natural of circumstances for anyone to cry.

I hope men and boys are increasingly released from that repressive burden.

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By (user no longer on site)
28 weeks ago

I wanted to say what a fabulous post… I have enjoyed reading all the comments.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
28 weeks ago

East Sussex


"...My dad who grew up in the 1930s on the other hand is convinced that wearing deodorant means you're gay.

The generational thing. It's really quite funny sometimes. Actually it isn't really generational as such, it's a bit longer than that. Not sure exactly, but there's a definite pre/post war difference (2nd world war). Like you and your father there's a definite values difference between my parents and me, but I don't think there's anything like that difference between me and my late 20s son."

I think that is probably true in many cases.

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By *ansoffateMan
28 weeks ago

Sagittarius A

My Dad's last words to me, the night before he died, sudden and unexpected heart attack. Two weeks before he retired.

"What was it all for?"

"Maybe you are right I should go to the doctor's about this cough."

He died with a cigarette in his hand he was trying to light. Looked like he was reaching for his lighter and fell off the sofa.

These are challenging times for men, especially older men, as you say. Many of the values we were brought up to believe were positive, we are now told are toxic. There's a stream of criticism about everything men do wrong, with very little guidance on what is right, leaving men without a roadmap to navigate life. Consequently, many men are struggling with depression and suicidal ideation.

We tell men to be vulnerable, to be emotionally aware, but then they are ridiculed when they do. It's not an easy thing for many men to do. I still find it hard myself, to cry. My body clams up to try and prevent it. I often need the touch of a loved one to do so, it's like permission and something just releases. Knowing and feeling are not the same thing. I can recall a stream of people men and women, as a child, telling me: don't be a girl, a pussy, a poof or I'll give you something to cry for. It was beaten out of me.

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By *asterMeliodasMan
28 weeks ago

Newmill


"My Dad's last words to me, the night before he died, sudden and unexpected heart attack. Two weeks before he retired.

"What was it all for?"

"Maybe you are right I should go to the doctor's about this cough."

He died with a cigarette in his hand he was trying to light. Looked like he was reaching for his lighter and fell off the sofa.

These are challenging times for men, especially older men, as you say. Many of the values we were brought up to believe were positive, we are now told are toxic. There's a stream of criticism about everything men do wrong, with very little guidance on what is right, leaving men without a roadmap to navigate life. Consequently, many men are struggling with depression and suicidal ideation.

We tell men to be vulnerable, to be emotionally aware, but then they are ridiculed when they do. It's not an easy thing for many men to do. I still find it hard myself, to cry. My body clams up to try and prevent it. I often need the touch of a loved one to do so, it's like permission and something just releases. Knowing and feeling are not the same thing. I can recall a stream of people men and women, as a child, telling me: don't be a girl, a pussy, a poof or I'll give you something to cry for. It was beaten out of me."

I very rarely, if ever, see anyone saying that traditional masculine values are toxic, in and of themselves.

What people think is toxic masculinity, at least in my knowledge and experience, is the idea that that is the *only* way to be a man. The part about being ridiculed for being emotional is the part that's toxic, to me, not masculinity itself.

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By *ansoffateMan
28 weeks ago

Sagittarius A


"My Dad's last words to me, the night before he died, sudden and unexpected heart attack. Two weeks before he retired.

"What was it all for?"

"Maybe you are right I should go to the doctor's about this cough."

He died with a cigarette in his hand he was trying to light. Looked like he was reaching for his lighter and fell off the sofa.

These are challenging times for men, especially older men, as you say. Many of the values we were brought up to believe were positive, we are now told are toxic. There's a stream of criticism about everything men do wrong, with very little guidance on what is right, leaving men without a roadmap to navigate life. Consequently, many men are struggling with depression and suicidal ideation.

We tell men to be vulnerable, to be emotionally aware, but then they are ridiculed when they do. It's not an easy thing for many men to do. I still find it hard myself, to cry. My body clams up to try and prevent it. I often need the touch of a loved one to do so, it's like permission and something just releases. Knowing and feeling are not the same thing. I can recall a stream of people men and women, as a child, telling me: don't be a girl, a pussy, a poof or I'll give you something to cry for. It was beaten out of me.

I very rarely, if ever, see anyone saying that traditional masculine values are toxic, in and of themselves.

What people think is toxic masculinity, at least in my knowledge and experience, is the idea that that is the *only* way to be a man. The part about being ridiculed for being emotional is the part that's toxic, to me, not masculinity itself."

I'd say boys don't cry is a traditional view of masculinity and very toxic.

I agree with your salient point though.

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By *aytime78Man
28 weeks ago

Huddersfield

we must have a brotherhood and that is something women cannot take from us too much pressure is on blokes and we are also having our masculinity and rights taken from us and labelled misogynistic ect but when the houses roads construction needs building or war breaks out and boots get put on the ground we are the frontline and we seem to be loosing respect my shout anyway

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By *wist my nipplesCouple
28 weeks ago

North East Scotland, mostly


"we must have a brotherhood and that is something women cannot take from us too much pressure is on blokes and we are also having our masculinity and rights taken from us and labelled misogynistic ect but when the houses roads construction needs building or war breaks out and boots get put on the ground we are the frontline and we seem to be loosing respect my shout anyway "

How are women taking your masculinity and rights from you?

Mrs TMN x

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By *tephenAndHisPicklenicMan
28 weeks ago

Ends


"we must have a brotherhood and that is something women cannot take from us too much pressure is on blokes and we are also having our masculinity and rights taken from us and labelled misogynistic ect but when the houses roads construction needs building or war breaks out and boots get put on the ground we are the frontline and we seem to be loosing respect my shout anyway

How are women taking your masculinity and rights from you?

Mrs TMN x"

Well before we were a dominant group. Now women are equal to us. So .. yeah it’s quite simple really

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By *tephenAndHisPicklenicMan
28 weeks ago

Ends

(I don’t believe we’ve achieved gender equality yet, I’m not thick)

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By *wist my nipplesCouple
28 weeks ago

North East Scotland, mostly


"(I don’t believe we’ve achieved gender equality yet, I’m not thick) "

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By *naswingdressWoman
28 weeks ago

Manchester (she/her)


"we must have a brotherhood and that is something women cannot take from us too much pressure is on blokes and we are also having our masculinity and rights taken from us and labelled misogynistic ect but when the houses roads construction needs building or war breaks out and boots get put on the ground we are the frontline and we seem to be loosing respect my shout anyway

How are women taking your masculinity and rights from you?

Mrs TMN x"

I see changes as allowing men possibilities. You can display emotions however you want. Rather than being serious, horny, condescending, or angry. Full human (not female) emotional range is much broader than that.

The idea that women wouldn't be on the front line is also fucking laughable. My grandmother was a young woman when that was applicable, and even now she'd probably whack you with a rolling pin if you suggested that she should be left out of the front line work.

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By *loscouplegl3Couple
28 weeks ago

Gloucester


"we must have a brotherhood and that is something women cannot take from us too much pressure is on blokes and we are also having our masculinity and rights taken from us and labelled misogynistic ect but when the houses roads construction needs building or war breaks out and boots get put on the ground we are the frontline and we seem to be loosing respect my shout anyway "

Women are now in construction, road building and the army as combat soldiers.

I agree that they are still in the minority but times they are a changing

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By *iker Jack OP   Man
28 weeks ago

Wolverhampton


"we must have a brotherhood and that is something women cannot take from us too much pressure is on blokes and we are also having our masculinity and rights taken from us and labelled misogynistic ect but when the houses roads construction needs building or war breaks out and boots get put on the ground we are the frontline and we seem to be loosing respect my shout anyway

How are women taking your masculinity and rights from you?

Mrs TMN x

I see changes as allowing men possibilities. You can display emotions however you want. Rather than being serious, horny, condescending, or angry. Full human (not female) emotional range is much broader than that.

The idea that women wouldn't be on the front line is also fucking laughable. My grandmother was a young woman when that was applicable, and even now she'd probably whack you with a rolling pin if you suggested that she should be left out of the front line work."

Woman are now on the front line in the infantry, medics, all sorts.

The original reasoning was nothing to do with supposed physical and mental strength but more along that if 2 people were side by side injured that a man would be more likely to help the woman.

Also that if a male soldier was to have a relationship with the woman that ended and was then with someone else, either of them, it may cause discord amongst them and have an effect on morale and fighting capability

Happily now these views have been removed and more and more woman are serving front line and all over

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By *jorkishMan
28 weeks ago

Seaforth

Men should show their emotions. However, I see as human expression rather than feminine or femininity.

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By *iltsTSgirlTV/TS
28 weeks ago

Chichester


"we must have a brotherhood and that is something women cannot take from us too much pressure is on blokes and we are also having our masculinity and rights taken from us and labelled misogynistic ect but when the houses roads construction needs building or war breaks out and boots get put on the ground we are the frontline and we seem to be loosing respect my shout anyway

How are women taking your masculinity and rights from you?

Mrs TMN x

Well before we were a dominant group. Now women are equal to us. So .. yeah it’s quite simple really "

Women are still a long way from being equal

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By *tephenAndHisPicklenicMan
28 weeks ago

Ends


"we must have a brotherhood and that is something women cannot take from us too much pressure is on blokes and we are also having our masculinity and rights taken from us and labelled misogynistic ect but when the houses roads construction needs building or war breaks out and boots get put on the ground we are the frontline and we seem to be loosing respect my shout anyway

How are women taking your masculinity and rights from you?

Mrs TMN x

Well before we were a dominant group. Now women are equal to us. So .. yeah it’s quite simple really

Women are still a long way from being equal "

I know I said that after

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By *ohn.Wick.Man
28 weeks ago

The Continental

I still continue as I’ve always done.

I’m right in that age bracket that was brought up to ‘suck it up’

I don’t cry

I don’t ask for help

Not seen a doctor for about 15 years

I compartmentalise my troubles at the back of them mind for the most part.

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By *erfHerder74Man
28 weeks ago

Inverclyde

My dad worked away a lot so it was my gran, mum, sister and her baby mostly. Only other male was my brother who was never home.

I am a man, I have emotions, they get complicated but I can cry, it’s a sign of strength and healing.

Sometimes I’ve met men here and they just talk their feelings out and we end up hugging and they struggle to cry.

There’s so many boundaries straight men put up it’s unhealthy.

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