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"Have you been reading my diary? That is as accurate a description of me as I have ever seen. " Actually... I have. Sorry. | |||
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"Yes. But it's not my fault they don't like me! " But do you say fook it and go for it anyway though? | |||
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"Yes. But it's not my fault they don't like me! But do you say fook it and go for it anyway though?" Oh yes. But once I've gone for it the sabotage starts. It's unintentional but it happens. | |||
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But that didn’t happen. Now I’ve not even met them (yet) but we speak often and sometimes get a bit flirty  ultimately I am me, they are them. If they didn’t find me attractive they wouldn’t entertain my ridiculous conversations and daft pictures. Whether the attraction to me is physical or mental or both, it’s definitely there so obviously it doesn’t matter that I’m punching (as it were, I’m not actually punching anyone ) | |||
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"... in particular the "I cant imagine why they might like me so clearly they don't" thing. They're gorgeous, athletic, funny, seem sane and sorted and you look at yourself and think "well, maybe opposites attract, but do they attract when they're *this* far apart? That person must be flirting for a joke or something." And then you don't send the message, or respond to the wink, or reply to their first message, or their flirt, or whatever. Well... do you? And if so, why? If you think it but don't let it stop you going for it, how do you get over it? And if you don't even think it (fuck me, I'd like to be at that stage)... did you ever think it?" This has been happening to us both lately on nights out. From people way out of our league and half our age. We often just look at each other and mouth what the duck. | |||
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"Yes. But it's not my fault they don't like me! But do you say fook it and go for it anyway though? Oh yes. But once I've gone for it the sabotage starts. It's unintentional but it happens." I'm actually a bit distracted and worded it very poorly | |||
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"This is my fault isn't it?! Let me have a think. But the short answer is sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. It's definitely easier to respond if the chances of ever actually meeting are very low. It feels safer and the stakes are lower. Bloody brain goblins. J" Most things are your fault... I can't blame you for this one. I'm enjoying your "on the fenceness" | |||
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"A few years ago, an absurdly beautiful man kept flirting with me. I just assumed he was like that with everyone and obviously this underwear model looking perfect bodied Adonis couldn't be interested in my weird ugly gothy arse. For years he was trying to get my attention and I just couldn't fathom that it was anything more than being friendly at best or a wind up at worst. I was still in shock last year when I finally began to resurface as a human and realised he was actually serious. Had a couple of dates and he was absolutely lovely and engaging in person, and it was still impossible to not be very aware of how absurdly beautiful he is. Unfortunately utterly incompatible in the bedroom. But on days when I'm struggling with my self image the fact that something that fucking pretty could genuinely want me really helps "This sums it up quite well for me. | |||
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"I do that thing!!! I’ve got lucky so far because I’ve had a message (despite my profile). But yeah. Still looking and thinking. You are joking right? You’re young & hot. I’m not & not. But then even after that “thing” I do my other famous “thing” and totally friendzone myself . Thank God For I fancy you threads "Friends rock. And the zone still has sexy times sometimes | |||
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"I think it a lot, but don’t let it stop me approaching people. " I love this! That's the next step for me | |||
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"I think it a lot, but don’t let it stop me approaching people. I love this! That's the next step for me" More often I mean. I manage it sometimes (usually in a "fuck it, what have I to lose?" way. | |||
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"All the time. But speaking from experience, I know what a disappointment I am in real life so why bother. " People are weird sometimes. Sometimes disappointment to somebody is awesome to another. | |||
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"Yes, daily And many times a day. Anxiety and being shy really doesn't help. Occasionally feel inadequate "Do you ever just do it anyway? And you aren't inadequate at all, lovely | |||
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"Yes, so often I do wonder why people would be interested in me despite knowing that some people are. On here if I'm feeling nervous about sending a message I'll send a wink as that's less scary - you can't see if they delete or ignore it" That's a good point... I do that sometimes too | |||
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"All the time. But speaking from experience, I know what a disappointment I am in real life so why bother. People are weird sometimes. Sometimes disappointment to somebody is awesome to another. " But I do think this is part of the issue we all have. We ourselves don't see ourselves as anything special, we are just "existing" in our own way. When somebody "awesome" rocks up, we feel we can't compete with their "awesome" | |||
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"Yes I did used to. Actually I’m not going to name names but there are two absolutely beautiful men on here who I didn’t think I’d have a chance with because they are clearly a ten and I am clearly not! In the end I thought well what’s the worst that’ll happen? They say no, I move on
But that didn’t happen. Now I’ve not even met them (yet) but we speak often and sometimes get a bit flirty ultimately I am me, they are them. If they didn’t find me attractive they wouldn’t entertain my ridiculous conversations and daft pictures. Whether the attraction to me is physical or mental or both, it’s definitely there so obviously it doesn’t matter that I’m punching (as it were, I’m not actually punching anyone ) "Ah. Is punching people not right? Oops. I've had that situation on here... | |||
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"A few years ago, an absurdly beautiful man kept flirting with me. I just assumed he was like that with everyone and obviously this underwear model looking perfect bodied Adonis couldn't be interested in my weird ugly gothy arse. For years he was trying to get my attention and I just couldn't fathom that it was anything more than being friendly at best or a wind up at worst. I was still in shock last year when I finally began to resurface as a human and realised he was actually serious. Had a couple of dates and he was absolutely lovely and engaging in person, and it was still impossible to not be very aware of how absurdly beautiful he is. Unfortunately utterly incompatible in the bedroom. But on days when I'm struggling with my self image the fact that something that fucking pretty could genuinely want me really helps "That last bit... I do that too. If someone as genuinely amazing as the person I believe is gorgeous wants me... I can't be that bad | |||
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"... in particular the "I cant imagine why they might like me so clearly they don't" thing. They're gorgeous, athletic, funny, seem sane and sorted and you look at yourself and think "well, maybe opposites attract, but do they attract when they're *this* far apart? That person must be flirting for a joke or something." And then you don't send the message, or respond to the wink, or reply to their first message, or their flirt, or whatever. Well... do you? And if so, why? If you think it but don't let it stop you going for it, how do you get over it? And if you don't even think it (fuck me, I'd like to be at that stage)... did you ever think it? This has been happening to us both lately on nights out. From people way out of our league and half our age. We often just look at each other and mouth what the duck." But do you go for it?! | |||
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"Yes. But it's not my fault they don't like me! But do you say fook it and go for it anyway though? Oh yes. But once I've gone for it the sabotage starts. It's unintentional but it happens. I'm actually a bit distracted and worded it very poorly" I think I got what you mean | |||
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"I do at times think those I've either chatted with or met have been well out my league. But I also don't see myself as fugly so whether it's opposites attract or I'm mid range, it works for me and them I'm happy "So a go for it attitude?! | |||
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"I'm not as bad as I used to be but sometimes this still creeps in. I've gotten better at ignoring it but sometimes it still gets the better of me Em x" It takes a lot to ignore sometimes, doesn't it... | |||
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"I think it a lot, but don’t let it stop me approaching people. I love this! That's the next step for me More often I mean. I manage it sometimes (usually in a "fuck it, what have I to lose?" way." And that’s the best attitude to have. You have nothing to lose. There’s a minor disappointment if the rejection happens, but I shrug it off. I’m not naive or egotistical enough to think that everyone on here is gonna want a go on the JW massive.  | |||
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"Yup. Keeps people I like on here from falling for me " That you don't go for it? | |||
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"I used to have this in all aspects of life. I found a great therapist who helped me see that I’m fucking awesome. I don’t want to lick myself or anything that narcissistic but if someone likes me I don’t go into self destruct mode anymore. Therapy is brilliant! " I kinda would lick myself if I could... | |||
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"All the time. But speaking from experience, I know what a disappointment I am in real life so why bother. " Can you please stop being so damn harsh on yourself?! Literally all the men here think you're hot and funny but you got to stop shitting in your own mouth because no one wants to kiss a mouth with shit in it! | |||
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"All the time. But speaking from experience, I know what a disappointment I am in real life so why bother. " You've not managed to disappoint me yet... and I have a very low tolerance for disappointment... | |||
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"I do at times think those I've either chatted with or met have been well out my league. But I also don't see myself as fugly so whether it's opposites attract or I'm mid range, it works for me and them I'm happy
So a go for it attitude?!"Absolutely. Just go for it. I also tell myself it doesn't matter how gorgeous I am. Everyone is not going to find me attractive. That's just fact. So when the rejection comes I'm able to deal with it better. | |||
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"Yes, I do that thing. All the fucking time. But not only that, I go even further. The moment I feel someone gets too close and I might start to like them, I immediately do everything in my power to make them dislike me. I can be very creative with that. " Why do you think that is? | |||
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"I'm not as bad as I used to be but sometimes this still creeps in. I've gotten better at ignoring it but sometimes it still gets the better of me Em x It takes a lot to ignore sometimes, doesn't it..." It really does. I think I just pick apart all the imperfections and think  in the bin but I try to remember that not everyone will look at me the way I look at myself on shit days | |||
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"All the time. But speaking from experience, I know what a disappointment I am in real life so why bother. People are weird sometimes. Sometimes disappointment to somebody is awesome to another. But I do think this is part of the issue we all have. We ourselves don't see ourselves as anything special, we are just "existing" in our own way. When somebody "awesome" rocks up, we feel we can't compete with their "awesome"" You're very wise, Kai. | |||
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"That last bit... I do that too. If someone as genuinely amazing as the person I believe is gorgeous wants me... I can't be that bad "I'm working on that internal locus thing. Most times now I can look in a mirror and be happy and excited by what I see. But last year I didn't have that at all, and that external validation really fucking helped me regain some of my body confidence
As to the self sabotage parts. I'm getting better at those too. I do occasionally have those horrible spirals and try to push everyone I think deserves so much better than me away. But I'm getting a lot better at just word vomiting to the people that matter that I might be out of sorts for a bit and that they haven't done anything wrong when I realise that's what I'm doing again.
The people in my life are there because they want to be, and I want them to be. If I was the godawful monster I see myself as sometimes they wouldn't want me around anyway. As long as I'm honest with them and they can make an informed decision about continuing to put up with my bullshit, then I don't have to try and force them away when I'm in that space | |||
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"I don't. Was very shy but no thoughts like that so I get it. However confident you are nobody likes rejection so I still pause before winking or approaching. I eventually just do it or move on. What can help is the other person. Do they seem approachable or friendly. I also usually try to make people understand that at least with me it's really less about looks and more about personality / character. " I don't think you're alone in the last part. But I do also think that initially, especially here, it tends to begin with the visual. | |||
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"I'm not as bad as I used to be but sometimes this still creeps in. I've gotten better at ignoring it but sometimes it still gets the better of me Em x It takes a lot to ignore sometimes, doesn't it... It really does. I think I just pick apart all the imperfections and think in the bin but I try to remember that not everyone will look at me the way I look at myself on shit days"Brb just making myself naked and cosy in Ems bin | |||
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"I used to have this in all aspects of life. I found a great therapist who helped me see that I’m fucking awesome. I don’t want to lick myself or anything that narcissistic but if someone likes me I don’t go into self destruct mode anymore. Therapy is brilliant! I kinda would lick myself if I could... "You’re just not trying hard enough! | |||
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"I don’t think these things. Partly because of Ailsa. If she’s still happy to be with me after all this time, then I can’t be too awful. But also because I’m a great believer in contextualising. The worst thing I can think of has already happened to me, and I survived. So what’s the worst that could happen if I fancy a 10 when I’m only a 4 or 5? I get ignored. I get rejected. We meet and I make an arse of myself. We meet and I don’t make an arse of myself and we become tentative friends, or real friends, or we truly connect and fall into bed. It might feel like a big deal. But compared to what’s already happened? It’s not much. It’s nothing to worry about. So take a deep breath, be bold… you can do this! x" I couldn't agree more. Compared to the past, it isn't a big thing. You two are a wonderful pair x | |||
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"No I just think they're ignorant teehee That's my MJ hope you cottoned on." What's an MJ? And ignorant or just wrong? | |||
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"There have been occasions I look back on and realise I missed out on a chance with someone I really fancied - a real chance. But I didn't believe it and didn't go for it and the chance disappeared. And then occasionally I've met someone who I would have thought was way out of my league and...they weren't, much to my delight. You would think this would have taught my brain something but noooooooooo. Happens every time. But then sometimes I don't pursue things because...I don't know. Casual sex is still exposing, still leaves you vulnerable, and sometimes I worry about pursuing things and I don't really know why. " Brain goblins. They're evil bastards. | |||
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"Even with the people I’ve chatted to for a while. … I’m my own worst enemy." For the avoidance of doubt, I think you’re fucking awesome and I still want to fuck your beautiful brains out. | |||
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"I think it a lot, but don’t let it stop me approaching people. I love this! That's the next step for me More often I mean. I manage it sometimes (usually in a "fuck it, what have I to lose?" way. And that’s the best attitude to have. You have nothing to lose. There’s a minor disappointment if the rejection happens, but I shrug it off. I’m not naive or egotistical enough to think that everyone on here is gonna want a go on the JW massive. "I miss the visual representation of the JW massive... | |||
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"All the time. But speaking from experience, I know what a disappointment I am in real life so why bother. Can you please stop being so damn harsh on yourself?! Literally all the men here think you're hot and funny but you got to stop shitting in your own mouth because no one wants to kiss a mouth with shit in it! " Actually... my inbox would disagree with that last part I think  | |||
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"I do at times think those I've either chatted with or met have been well out my league. But I also don't see myself as fugly so whether it's opposites attract or I'm mid range, it works for me and them I'm happy
So a go for it attitude?!
Absolutely. Just go for it.
I also tell myself it doesn't matter how gorgeous I am. Everyone is not going to find me attractive. That's just fact. So when the rejection comes I'm able to deal with it better. "That's completely the way forward! | |||
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"I don't. Was very shy but no thoughts like that so I get it. However confident you are nobody likes rejection so I still pause before winking or approaching. I eventually just do it or move on. What can help is the other person. Do they seem approachable or friendly. I also usually try to make people understand that at least with me it's really less about looks and more about personality / character. I don't think you're alone in the last part. But I do also think that initially, especially here, it tends to begin with the visual." Yes it is but forums are great for looking past the visual. Everyday life is the same. Visual is usually the first contact point but most people have more time than an initial meet to shine. It's in those times that being yourself will attract who you want. At that point just tell yourself and accept that yes they're there for you. Learn to tell yourself you're the shit. | |||
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"Kinda… I can only see things from how I feel them… so.. because I fancy so very rarely, I assume others have the same thing. I’m only attracted by words and mannerisms and that weird thing between 2 people looking at each other. So if it’s words on a screen I’m factual. Because I can’t feel it. I’ll often come across as cold and uninterested. But I assume it’s a friends thing with everyone. So on that basis I sabotage everything online. " You're anything but cold and uninterested in person though. You light up a room. You and Tarquin | |||
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"I'm not as bad as I used to be but sometimes this still creeps in. I've gotten better at ignoring it but sometimes it still gets the better of me Em x It takes a lot to ignore sometimes, doesn't it... It really does. I think I just pick apart all the imperfections and think in the bin but I try to remember that not everyone will look at me the way I look at myself on shit days"People rarely see what we ourselves see... | |||
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"I don’t think these things. Partly because of Ailsa. If she’s still happy to be with me after all this time, then I can’t be too awful. But also because I’m a great believer in contextualising. The worst thing I can think of has already happened to me, and I survived. So what’s the worst that could happen if I fancy a 10 when I’m only a 4 or 5? I get ignored. I get rejected. We meet and I make an arse of myself. We meet and I don’t make an arse of myself and we become tentative friends, or real friends, or we truly connect and fall into bed. It might feel like a big deal. But compared to what’s already happened? It’s not much. It’s nothing to worry about. So take a deep breath, be bold… you can do this! x I couldn't agree more. Compared to the past, it isn't a big thing. You two are a wonderful pair x"  thank you, wasn’t expecting that xx | |||
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"... in particular the "I cant imagine why they might like me so clearly they don't" thing. They're gorgeous, athletic, funny, seem sane and sorted and you look at yourself and think "well, maybe opposites attract, but do they attract when they're *this* far apart? That person must be flirting for a joke or something." And then you don't send the message, or respond to the wink, or reply to their first message, or their flirt, or whatever. Well... do you? And if so, why? If you think it but don't let it stop you going for it, how do you get over it? And if you don't even think it (fuck me, I'd like to be at that stage)... did you ever think it?" Self-sabotage is my middle name, and has been for years. But, from my experience, it's (mostly) down to the fact that I don't value myself or believe I have anything worthwhile to offer to others. I also think (self-)confidence, even if it's just a temporary loss, can play a part in why we do (or don't) achieve something we want. Do you always self-sabotage, or is there a pattern for when you do/don't? | |||
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"Yes, I do that thing. All the fucking time. But not only that, I go even further. The moment I feel someone gets too close and I might start to like them, I immediately do everything in my power to make them dislike me. I can be very creative with that. Why do you think that is?" C-PTSD related avoidant attachment, aka good old feeling of not being good enough. I think I have figured this out by now. | |||
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"That last bit... I do that too. If someone as genuinely amazing as the person I believe is gorgeous wants me... I can't be that bad
I'm working on that internal locus thing. Most times now I can look in a mirror and be happy and excited by what I see. But last year I didn't have that at all, and that external validation really fucking helped me regain some of my body confidence
As to the self sabotage parts. I'm getting better at those too. I do occasionally have those horrible spirals and try to push everyone I think deserves so much better than me away. But I'm getting a lot better at just word vomiting to the people that matter that I might be out of sorts for a bit and that they haven't done anything wrong when I realise that's what I'm doing again.
The people in my life are there because they want to be, and I want them to be. If I was the godawful monster I see myself as sometimes they wouldn't want me around anyway. As long as I'm honest with them and they can make an informed decision about continuing to put up with my bullshit, then I don't have to try and force them away when I'm in that space "I love this for you! External validation... we are always told it isn't important, and to learn to love ourselves. I think it's the case that actually external validation can help massively with internal validation. Especially when it is the opposite of what you've been told forever | |||
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"Uhhhh I think you know my answer to this! If there were a title I'd be in gold medal position for it. Twatty goblins "Fuck off. I'd share gold. | |||
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"I think it a lot, but don’t let it stop me approaching people. I love this! That's the next step for me More often I mean. I manage it sometimes (usually in a "fuck it, what have I to lose?" way. And that’s the best attitude to have. You have nothing to lose. There’s a minor disappointment if the rejection happens, but I shrug it off. I’m not naive or egotistical enough to think that everyone on here is gonna want a go on the JW massive.
I miss the visual representation of the JW massive..."It’s always available for private viewings. It’s stored in a hermetically sealed vault, under heavy guard and many advancers security measures. | |||
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"I’m THE worst at overthinking everything. I don’t reach out first because if I do come across someone I think is attractive I’m stopped by those stupid thoughts of there’s no way they would be interested in me. Even with the people I’ve chatted to for a while. I’m always worried about coming across too full on. I’ve been known to let conversations die off because I tell myself that they’re not interested anymore, which I know is stupid because why would they still be talking to me. I’m also worried about not living up to their expectations of who they think I am. I’m my own worst enemy." Come share gold with me and Cede. | |||
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"Yup. Keeps people I like on here from falling for me That you don't go for it?" Exactly | |||
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"I’m THE worst at overthinking everything. I don’t reach out first because if I do come across someone I think is attractive I’m stopped by those stupid thoughts of there’s no way they would be interested in me. Even with the people I’ve chatted to for a while. I’m always worried about coming across too full on. I’ve been known to let conversations die off because I tell myself that they’re not interested anymore, which I know is stupid because why would they still be talking to me. I’m also worried about not living up to their expectations of who they think I am. I’m my own worst enemy." Fucking hell are you me in disguise?? | |||
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" ALL.THE.TIME.
Jess xx"Do you ever say "fuck it" and do it though? | |||
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K | |||
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"I don't. Was very shy but no thoughts like that so I get it. However confident you are nobody likes rejection so I still pause before winking or approaching. I eventually just do it or move on. What can help is the other person. Do they seem approachable or friendly. I also usually try to make people understand that at least with me it's really less about looks and more about personality / character. I don't think you're alone in the last part. But I do also think that initially, especially here, it tends to begin with the visual. Yes it is but forums are great for looking past the visual. Everyday life is the same. Visual is usually the first contact point but most people have more time than an initial meet to shine. It's in those times that being yourself will attract who you want. At that point just tell yourself and accept that yes they're there for you. Learn to tell yourself you're the shit. " It's that word "the"... | |||
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"... in particular the "I cant imagine why they might like me so clearly they don't" thing. They're gorgeous, athletic, funny, seem sane and sorted and you look at yourself and think "well, maybe opposites attract, but do they attract when they're *this* far apart? That person must be flirting for a joke or something." And then you don't send the message, or respond to the wink, or reply to their first message, or their flirt, or whatever. Well... do you? And if so, why? If you think it but don't let it stop you going for it, how do you get over it? And if you don't even think it (fuck me, I'd like to be at that stage)... did you ever think it? Self-sabotage is my middle name, and has been for years. But, from my experience, it's (mostly) down to the fact that I don't value myself or believe I have anything worthwhile to offer to others. I also think (self-)confidence, even if it's just a temporary loss, can play a part in why we do (or don't) achieve something we want. Do you always self-sabotage, or is there a pattern for when you do/don't?" I'd agree. For me... no pattern at all. | |||
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"I always doubt myself when someone who is clearly a few sizes smaller than me shows interest. I tell myself that they are most likely going to change their mind when they see me in person. It happened with LvM as well. Then it happened again when we were already dating for a few years, and I've got chunkier during Covid. I thought he's not into me anymore, but he put a ring on it, so I guess I can chill out now
K" | |||
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"Yes, I do that thing. All the fucking time. But not only that, I go even further. The moment I feel someone gets too close and I might start to like them, I immediately do everything in my power to make them dislike me. I can be very creative with that. Why do you think that is? C-PTSD related avoidant attachment, aka good old feeling of not being good enough. I think I have figured this out by now. " Having it figured out is a damn good step | |||
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"Yup. Keeps people I like on here from falling for me That you don't go for it? Exactly " You should do it more. | |||
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"Yes, daily And many times a day. Anxiety and being shy really doesn't help. Occasionally feel inadequate "Absolutely this… I struggle with social anxiety alongside general anxiety and it can be incredibly draining and restrictive. I ALWAYS feel inadequate and that I’m just ignored regardless of what or when I post either in forums, on my profile or messages.. maybe it’s just me that puts people off..  | |||
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"I’m THE worst at overthinking everything. I don’t reach out first because if I do come across someone I think is attractive I’m stopped by those stupid thoughts of there’s no way they would be interested in me. Even with the people I’ve chatted to for a while. I’m always worried about coming across too full on. I’ve been known to let conversations die off because I tell myself that they’re not interested anymore, which I know is stupid because why would they still be talking to me. I’m also worried about not living up to their expectations of who they think I am. I’m my own worst enemy. Fucking hell are you me in disguise??" Do you ever do the "fuck it"? | |||
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"I have done that with every single person I've felt an attraction too I am alone a lot." How do you feel after wrecking the chance? Gutted? | |||
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"I love this for you! External validation... we are always told it isn't important, and to learn to love ourselves. I think it's the case that actually external validation can help massively with internal validation. Especially when it is the opposite of what you've been told forever " It's not good or healthy to depend entirely on external validation for sure. I do feel bad for the people who have that constant need for it, as if they don't exist unless someone is showering them with attention and adoration. But sometimes, when you're just not capable of comprehending the good in yourself, knowing that someone else can see it can be a massive fucking boost. We can't always defeat our own goblins alone. Sometimes someone else can light the right path to see a glimpse of the way out. And if we need that help to stumble back out of the darkness, there's no shame in leaning on that crutch for a little while | |||
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"I always doubt myself when someone who is clearly a few sizes smaller than me shows interest. I tell myself that they are most likely going to change their mind when they see me in person. It happened with LvM as well. Then it happened again when we were already dating for a few years, and I've got chunkier during Covid. I thought he's not into me anymore, but he put a ring on it, so I guess I can chill out now
K"I spend a lot of time pointing out I'm massive... because I know it isn't obvious from most of my pictures and I don't want to see "that look" if I meet them. I think the ring does make a big difference. As much as some would disagree... I get it  | |||
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"All the damn time "You you sometimes do "fuck it"? | |||
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"Yes, daily And many times a day. Anxiety and being shy really doesn't help. Occasionally feel inadequate
Do you ever just do it anyway?
And you aren't inadequate at all, lovely"Definitely don't do anything, | |||
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"Yes, daily And many times a day. Anxiety and being shy really doesn't help. Occasionally feel inadequate
Absolutely this… I struggle with social anxiety alongside general anxiety and it can be incredibly draining and restrictive.
I ALWAYS feel inadequate and that I’m just ignored regardless of what or when I post either in forums, on my profile or messages.. maybe it’s just me that puts people off.. "I think it is definitely important to remember that people only react to forum posts if they've something to add... they may be agreeing but don't want to take up a post of the 175 with just a thumbs up. I have the joys of anxiety too... I can relate  | |||
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"I have done that with every single person I've felt an attraction too I am alone a lot." Do you let anyone convince you that they're attracted to you? | |||
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"For me not really, I trust everything happens for a reason... Had a message id been considering sending for a while... didn't on 3 occasions because it didn't feel like the right thing to do... right time came today, live in the moment. Your next on my to message list posh, ill get around to it one day "Well... that's all flattering and shiz... I'm a fluster now. You won't do it though, that's ok. | |||
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" ALL.THE.TIME.
Jess xx
Do you ever say "fuck it" and do it though?"Only once. Then went back to my "I'm not worthy" attitude... In fairness that's only to do with sex / intimate relationships. I'm pretty strong minded and confident in other areas of my life.
xx Jess | |||
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"I have done that with every single person I've felt an attraction too I am alone a lot. How do you feel after wrecking the chance? Gutted?" It's hard to feel gutted for something that never happened, and I don't really think about what could have been. But things are quite hollow and unfulfilling in my life (regards to love and romance) | |||
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"For me not really, I trust everything happens for a reason... Had a message id been considering sending for a while... didn't on 3 occasions because it didn't feel like the right thing to do... right time came today, live in the moment. Your next on my to message list posh, ill get around to it one day
Well... that's all flattering and shiz... I'm a fluster now.
You won't do it though, that's ok."I am a man of my word. Ill catch you when you least expect it. Besides I have a quota i have to stick to 1 first message per annum January is just around the corner. | |||
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"Yes, daily And many times a day. Anxiety and being shy really doesn't help. Occasionally feel inadequate
Absolutely this… I struggle with social anxiety alongside general anxiety and it can be incredibly draining and restrictive.
I ALWAYS feel inadequate and that I’m just ignored regardless of what or when I post either in forums, on my profile or messages.. maybe it’s just me that puts people off..
I think it is definitely important to remember that people only react to forum posts if they've something to add... they may be agreeing but don't want to take up a post of the 175 with just a thumbs up.
I have the joys of anxiety too... I can relate "It definitely seems that there’s more people out there that have similar struggles to myself and that on its own brings some kind of weird comfort… even though I’d not wish anxiety, self loathing or anything remotely similar on anyone. It just pains me that I rarely get an opportunity to show I’m not a complete nut job..! One day… | |||
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" ALL.THE.TIME.
Jess xx
Do you ever say "fuck it" and do it though?
Only once. Then went back to my "I'm not worthy" attitude... In fairness that's only to do with sex / intimate relationships. I'm pretty strong minded and confident in other areas of my life.
xx Jess"What do you think the difference is? Curiosity piqued. | |||
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"It’s very telling that 90%(at least) of the people on this thread are the ones I think the most confident/attractive…" This is one of the interesting things I am hoping most people notice... That it is a human thing... | |||
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"I love this for you! External validation... we are always told it isn't important, and to learn to love ourselves. I think it's the case that actually external validation can help massively with internal validation. Especially when it is the opposite of what you've been told forever It's not good or healthy to depend entirely on external validation for sure. I do feel bad for the people who have that constant need for it, as if they don't exist unless someone is showering them with attention and adoration. But sometimes, when you're just not capable of comprehending the good in yourself, knowing that someone else can see it can be a massive fucking boost. We can't always defeat our own goblins alone. Sometimes someone else can light the right path to see a glimpse of the way out. And if we need that help to stumble back out of the darkness, there's no shame in leaning on that crutch for a little while "You have the wise, and the words to explain it | |||
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"OP. Do yourself a big favour! Just switch into autopilot and go for it!" I've been known to! | |||
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"Yes, daily And many times a day. Anxiety and being shy really doesn't help. Occasionally feel inadequate
Do you ever just do it anyway?
And you aren't inadequate at all, lovely
Definitely don't do anything,"Take a chance, Leggy my lovely. Every now and then. Send a wink | |||
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" ALL.THE.TIME.
Jess xx
Do you ever say "fuck it" and do it though?
Only once. Then went back to my "I'm not worthy" attitude... In fairness that's only to do with sex / intimate relationships. I'm pretty strong minded and confident in other areas of my life.
xx Jess"It's a peculiar thing isn't it... I know many people who feel the same. | |||
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"For me not really, I trust everything happens for a reason... Had a message id been considering sending for a while... didn't on 3 occasions because it didn't feel like the right thing to do... right time came today, live in the moment. Your next on my to message list posh, ill get around to it one day
Well... that's all flattering and shiz... I'm a fluster now.
You won't do it though, that's ok.
I am a man of my word. Ill catch you when you least expect it. Besides I have a quota i have to stick to 1 first message per annum January is just around the corner. "I'll prepare my box | |||
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"Yes, daily And many times a day. Anxiety and being shy really doesn't help. Occasionally feel inadequate
Absolutely this… I struggle with social anxiety alongside general anxiety and it can be incredibly draining and restrictive.
I ALWAYS feel inadequate and that I’m just ignored regardless of what or when I post either in forums, on my profile or messages.. maybe it’s just me that puts people off..
I think it is definitely important to remember that people only react to forum posts if they've something to add... they may be agreeing but don't want to take up a post of the 175 with just a thumbs up.
I have the joys of anxiety too... I can relate
It definitely seems that there’s more people out there that have similar struggles to myself and that on its own brings some kind of weird comfort… even though I’d not wish anxiety, self loathing or anything remotely similar on anyone.
It just pains me that I rarely get an opportunity to show I’m not a complete nut job..!
One day… "I couldn't agree more. Those who don't know how it feels, I wish they could understand. But I wouldn't wish the feelings on anyone. | |||
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"... Self-sabotage is my middle name, and has been for years. But, from my experience, it's (mostly) down to the fact that I don't value myself or believe I have anything worthwhile to offer to others. I also think (self-)confidence, even if it's just a temporary loss, can play a part in why we do (or don't) achieve something we want. Do you always self-sabotage, or is there a pattern for when you do/don't? I'd agree. For me... no pattern at all." I've (slowly) been teaching myself to adopt a mentality whereby “if I don't buy a lottery ticket, then I'll never win” kind of thinking, if that makes sense. Or I'll just change my middle name 
In all seriousness, I hope you find something that helps you to start believing in yourself again because I'd happily respond to you | |||
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"It’s very telling that 90%(at least) of the people on this thread are the ones I think the most confident/attractive… This is one of the interesting things I am hoping most people notice... That it is a human thing..." We should all just shoot our shots!! | |||
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"It’s very telling that 90%(at least) of the people on this thread are the ones I think the most confident/attractive…" I think very few people don't have this. Most of those that appear to have it all under control have just mastered the art of appearing to be bold/confident. | |||
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" ALL.THE.TIME.
Jess xx
Do you ever say "fuck it" and do it though?
Only once. Then went back to my "I'm not worthy" attitude... In fairness that's only to do with sex / intimate relationships. I'm pretty strong minded and confident in other areas of my life.
xx Jess
What do you think the difference is? Curiosity piqued."Thank you for asking. I'm really not sure. I ask myself these questions, and I really can't figure it out either. Being an alpha female in most areas of my life, perhaps, and the only thing that springs to mind, is that I like being so self-assured and dominant in my family and professional life, that I just need that vulnerability in my personal / sexual relations. xx Jess | |||
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"Thank God For I fancy you threads "I dunno. Sometimes I just feel like an awesome postie. And end up feeling happy for everyone else but a bit shit about myself. J | |||
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"Thank God For I fancy you threads
I dunno. Sometimes I just feel like an awesome postie. And end up feeling happy for everyone else but a bit shit about myself.
J"One of the reasons I never participate in those, although they are always great threads. | |||
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" ALL.THE.TIME.
Jess xx
Do you ever say "fuck it" and do it though?
Only once. Then went back to my "I'm not worthy" attitude... In fairness that's only to do with sex / intimate relationships. I'm pretty strong minded and confident in other areas of my life.
xx Jess
What do you think the difference is? Curiosity piqued.
Thank you for asking. I'm really not sure. I ask myself these questions, and I really can't figure it out either.
Being an alpha female in most areas of my life, perhaps, and the only thing that springs to mind, is that I like being so self-assured and dominant in my family and professional life, that I just need that vulnerability in my personal / sexual relations.
xx Jess"I think that would be a fair assessment! I hope you dont mind me commenting...From what I can gather from this post it sounds like its control that might be something you could experiment with... perhaps create a situation or structure for 5hat more vulnerable role ...where you have been a part of creating the boundaries and whats expected so when you enter that space You know where you stand. As things progress... relinquish them to whomever you share these experiences with. In doing that you are taking control by choosing to be more vulnerable. Something perhaps to think about should you so choose! | |||
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". ... And I say fuck it. Fuck the rather dull putting myself down, there are enough who'll do that. Fuck not living life. Fuck not taking a chance. Fuck the goblins. One big fuck it. I might as well try.
" | |||
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"Yes, daily And many times a day. Anxiety and being shy really doesn't help. Occasionally feel inadequate
Absolutely this… I struggle with social anxiety alongside general anxiety and it can be incredibly draining and restrictive.
I ALWAYS feel inadequate and that I’m just ignored regardless of what or when I post either in forums, on my profile or messages.. maybe it’s just me that puts people off.. "I agree with you. And if I have to 1 on 1 conversation I freeze up and can't think of anything to say. I've lost lots of friendship due to my anxiety/ shyness/inadequate. A few yrs ago I was more out going, things destroyed my confidence and changed me as a person. | |||
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"... in particular the "I cant imagine why they might like me so clearly they don't" thing. They're gorgeous, athletic, funny, seem sane and sorted and you look at yourself and think "well, maybe opposites attract, but do they attract when they're *this* far apart? That person must be flirting for a joke or something." And then you don't send the message, or respond to the wink, or reply to their first message, or their flirt, or whatever. Well... do you? And if so, why? If you think it but don't let it stop you going for it, how do you get over it? And if you don't even think it (fuck me, I'd like to be at that stage)... did you ever think it?" Every.single.time. I’ve had messages from seemingly really nice guys who are soooo attractive and I just havent responded because of that overwhelming feeling that they’d just be disappointed in me, won’t leave my head 
And every meet I do arrange, I tell myself they won’t turn up never had a no show but for some reason I can’t convince myself otherwise….self preservation I guess in case they turn up, look at me and then Change their mind and just walk back out 
And if I do have the courage to respond and end up making plans with the person, I spend ages ‘preparing’ them to be disappointed and talk myself down. | |||
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"All the time. But speaking from experience, I know what a disappointment I am in real life so why bother. Can you please stop being so damn harsh on yourself?! Literally all the men here think you're hot and funny but you got to stop shitting in your own mouth because no one wants to kiss a mouth with shit in it! " For someone that claims to know me, you don't know me. | |||
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"Yes, daily And many times a day. Anxiety and being shy really doesn't help. Occasionally feel inadequate
Absolutely this… I struggle with social anxiety alongside general anxiety and it can be incredibly draining and restrictive.
I ALWAYS feel inadequate and that I’m just ignored regardless of what or when I post either in forums, on my profile or messages.. maybe it’s just me that puts people off..
I think it is definitely important to remember that people only react to forum posts if they've something to add... they may be agreeing but don't want to take up a post of the 175 with just a thumbs up.
I have the joys of anxiety too... I can relate
It definitely seems that there’s more people out there that have similar struggles to myself and that on its own brings some kind of weird comfort… even though I’d not wish anxiety, self loathing or anything remotely similar on anyone.
It just pains me that I rarely get an opportunity to show I’m not a complete nut job..!
One day…
I couldn't agree more. Those who don't know how it feels, I wish they could understand. But I wouldn't wish the feelings on anyone."I wouldnt want anyone to suffer like I have, it's so painful in so many ways. Because I struggle so much in social situations, I get told I'm a snob cause i dont really talk to anyone, if only they actually knew the truth. I'm no snob | |||
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"Yes, daily And many times a day. Anxiety and being shy really doesn't help. Occasionally feel inadequate
Absolutely this… I struggle with social anxiety alongside general anxiety and it can be incredibly draining and restrictive.
I ALWAYS feel inadequate and that I’m just ignored regardless of what or when I post either in forums, on my profile or messages.. maybe it’s just me that puts people off..
I agree with you.
And if I have to 1 on 1 conversation I freeze up and can't think of anything to say.
I've lost lots of friendship due to my anxiety/ shyness/inadequate.
A few yrs ago I was more out going, things destroyed my confidence and changed me as a person.
"We sound very alike. There is always a safe space in my inbox if you ever need a likeminded person to chat to. If either of us can think of something to say…!! I too was once full of confidence until a specific incident. You definitely do not come across as inadequate. You are completely “enough” just as you are… don’t let others make you think otherwise | |||
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"... in particular the "I cant imagine why they might like me so clearly they don't" thing. They're gorgeous, athletic, funny, seem sane and sorted and you look at yourself and think "well, maybe opposites attract, but do they attract when they're *this* far apart? That person must be flirting for a joke or something." And then you don't send the message, or respond to the wink, or reply to their first message, or their flirt, or whatever. Well... do you? And if so, why? If you think it but don't let it stop you going for it, how do you get over it? And if you don't even think it (fuck me, I'd like to be at that stage)... did you ever think it? Every.single.time. I’ve had messages from seemingly really nice guys who are soooo attractive and I just havent responded because of that overwhelming feeling that they’d just be disappointed in me, won’t leave my head
And every meet I do arrange, I tell myself they won’t turn up never had a no show but for some reason I can’t convince myself otherwise….self preservation I guess in case they turn up, look at me and then Change their mind and just walk back out
And if I do have the courage to respond and end up making plans with the person, I spend ages ‘preparing’ them to be disappointed and talk myself down. "I've felt/feel the same. | |||
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"Yes, daily And many times a day. Anxiety and being shy really doesn't help. Occasionally feel inadequate
Absolutely this… I struggle with social anxiety alongside general anxiety and it can be incredibly draining and restrictive.
I ALWAYS feel inadequate and that I’m just ignored regardless of what or when I post either in forums, on my profile or messages.. maybe it’s just me that puts people off..
I agree with you.
And if I have to 1 on 1 conversation I freeze up and can't think of anything to say.
I've lost lots of friendship due to my anxiety/ shyness/inadequate.
A few yrs ago I was more out going, things destroyed my confidence and changed me as a person.
We sound very alike.
There is always a safe space in my inbox if you ever need a likeminded person to chat to. If either of us can think of something to say…!!
I too was once full of confidence until a specific incident.
You definitely do not come across as inadequate. You are completely “enough” just as you are… don’t let others make you think otherwise
Thank you. And the same to you " | |||
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"Yes, daily And many times a day. Anxiety and being shy really doesn't help. Occasionally feel inadequate
Absolutely this… I struggle with social anxiety alongside general anxiety and it can be incredibly draining and restrictive.
I ALWAYS feel inadequate and that I’m just ignored regardless of what or when I post either in forums, on my profile or messages.. maybe it’s just me that puts people off..
I think it is definitely important to remember that people only react to forum posts if they've something to add... they may be agreeing but don't want to take up a post of the 175 with just a thumbs up.
I have the joys of anxiety too... I can relate
It definitely seems that there’s more people out there that have similar struggles to myself and that on its own brings some kind of weird comfort… even though I’d not wish anxiety, self loathing or anything remotely similar on anyone.
It just pains me that I rarely get an opportunity to show I’m not a complete nut job..!
One day…
I couldn't agree more. Those who don't know how it feels, I wish they could understand. But I wouldn't wish the feelings on anyone.
I wouldnt want anyone to suffer like I have, it's so painful in so many ways.
Because I struggle so much in social situations, I get told I'm a snob cause i dont really talk to anyone, if only they actually knew the truth.
I'm no snob
"Reading all these messages are touching and illuminating. It's easy for me and others to say try this or we do that but it's clear lots of people have and are trying. And sad to see people I and I'm sure many others genuinely think are smart, amazing, sexy, gorgeous just doubt themselves to the point of self sabotage. I may not know what it feels like but truly do hope these discussions can help people see they're not alone and possibly shed some light on ideas and ways you can benefit from. | |||
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"... Self-sabotage is my middle name, and has been for years. But, from my experience, it's (mostly) down to the fact that I don't value myself or believe I have anything worthwhile to offer to others. I also think (self-)confidence, even if it's just a temporary loss, can play a part in why we do (or don't) achieve something we want. Do you always self-sabotage, or is there a pattern for when you do/don't? I'd agree. For me... no pattern at all. I've (slowly) been teaching myself to adopt a mentality whereby “if I don't buy a lottery ticket, then I'll never win” kind of thinking, if that makes sense. Or I'll just change my middle name
In all seriousness, I hope you find something that helps you to start believing in yourself again because I'd happily respond to you "I should have put one of those pointless disclaimers (that everyone rolls their eyes at) in the OP. It isn't about me. Well. It is. But it isn't about me now. I'm not even looking for anyone, so while there is bafflement when someone likes me, I don't need to worry about taking a shot, or whether they're doing it for a bet or anything. I mean... I still do think that, but it isn't really an issue. But thanks | |||
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"It’s very telling that 90%(at least) of the people on this thread are the ones I think the most confident/attractive… This is one of the interesting things I am hoping most people notice... That it is a human thing... We should all just shoot our shots!! " But not in a tribute picture kind of way... | |||
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"Yes probably why I've been single for so long . . . . . ... "It can also be hard to get out of the cycle when it has been a while | |||
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"Thank God For I fancy you threads
I dunno. Sometimes I just feel like an awesome postie. And end up feeling happy for everyone else but a bit shit about myself.
J"I do that! My mate me says you're sexy as fuck though. | |||
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"Thank God For I fancy you threads
I dunno. Sometimes I just feel like an awesome postie. And end up feeling happy for everyone else but a bit shit about myself.
J
I do that!
My mate me says you're sexy as fuck though."I feel like a postie and nothing else. I don't post on or do these threads any more. And yes, I think you both are lovely | |||
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"I have something relatable but it's a personal oddity. The comparison stuff, it's not that I think I am attractive - I really don't. But I have a few too many experiences of women I believed 'out of my league' or whatever - being interested in me - to hold any credence in the idea. What I struggle with is when there's quite an early attraction before I feel I know someone. I clam up. It can make me feel very vulnerable. It's very rare, it has happened on here and she was very understanding and patient. I'd self-sabotage without that." I love that for you... the validation of fact and history overwhelming the brain goblins is a great thing. You clamming up must be weird for you though... | |||
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"Not because of the reasons you've mentioned in the OP, no. I do have moments of thinking, pfft, don't bother Meli, there's not a chance they'd be interested. I tend to think that when people flirt with me they're doing it for the forums, to be friendly or because it's amusing to have a little flirt now and then. Essentially, without real intent. It's not because I think someone is more desirable than I am, you know, during those wibbles. It's because I don't think I am. In those moments I don't see myself as being particularly sexually attractive. I don't have anything that could make me interesting to someone. Fuckable. So I don't reply. I mute. I politely ignore. Change the subject. Avoid dealing with it because I convince myself that I've misunderstood it because I'm really not that clever. Funny. Sexy. Most of the time now, even more so in the past month or so I've been saying fuck it. I start to question myself. Doubt who I am. And I say fuck it. Fuck the rather dull putting myself down, there are enough who'll do that. Fuck not living life. Fuck not taking a chance. Fuck the goblins. One big fuck it. I might as well try.
"Second and third paragraphs here in particular really resonate. Because that's what it is. Not that it is a comparison of godlike to human as much as it is feeling less than the level of human. If that makes sense. In those moments I just don't see what anyone would see, and as a result I have the inadequacy feelings. You know? I love that you've got to "fuck it". That is bloody gorgeous | |||
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"I had that Thing without the awareness and took me until about a year ago to learn. Now, i think am still am doing that Thing, knowing am self sabotaging to an extent. The difference between blindly walking into a danger vs walking eyes wide open! " I think awareness has to be the first step! | |||
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"Absolutely. I have real body image issues and the few times when I have spoken to someone I'm really attracted to I automatically think " I don't think I'm attractive so surely they don't" and I think all my insecurities start to show and that mind of kills it." I'm really impressed you found the confidence to put a photo up then... and it's a fine photo. I do think sometimes women's body issues are met better by men than men's are by women. I don't know why, and it makes me sad. | |||
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"sorta relies on getting a message in the first place. last on messaged had a hidden profile so i couldn't sabotage myself hahahaha" It's more a general thing than specific to messages though... | |||
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"Yes" Yes you do? Or yes you say fuck it every so often? | |||
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"... in particular the "I cant imagine why they might like me so clearly they don't" thing. They're gorgeous, athletic, funny, seem sane and sorted and you look at yourself and think "well, maybe opposites attract, but do they attract when they're *this* far apart? That person must be flirting for a joke or something." And then you don't send the message, or respond to the wink, or reply to their first message, or their flirt, or whatever. Well... do you? And if so, why? If you think it but don't let it stop you going for it, how do you get over it? And if you don't even think it (fuck me, I'd like to be at that stage)... did you ever think it? Every.single.time. I’ve had messages from seemingly really nice guys who are soooo attractive and I just havent responded because of that overwhelming feeling that they’d just be disappointed in me, won’t leave my head
And every meet I do arrange, I tell myself they won’t turn up never had a no show but for some reason I can’t convince myself otherwise….self preservation I guess in case they turn up, look at me and then Change their mind and just walk back out
And if I do have the courage to respond and end up making plans with the person, I spend ages ‘preparing’ them to be disappointed and talk myself down. "I think I've been lucky... I have always prepared the other person for the disappointment and it's always been met by them with kindness. Not just "but you look amazing in your photos" smoke blowing kindness either. Genuine care. | |||
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"Always and think someone better is more worthy " No one is more worthy than anyone else. That's a big thing to remember. | |||
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"Yes, daily And many times a day. Anxiety and being shy really doesn't help. Occasionally feel inadequate
Absolutely this… I struggle with social anxiety alongside general anxiety and it can be incredibly draining and restrictive.
I ALWAYS feel inadequate and that I’m just ignored regardless of what or when I post either in forums, on my profile or messages.. maybe it’s just me that puts people off..
I think it is definitely important to remember that people only react to forum posts if they've something to add... they may be agreeing but don't want to take up a post of the 175 with just a thumbs up.
I have the joys of anxiety too... I can relate
It definitely seems that there’s more people out there that have similar struggles to myself and that on its own brings some kind of weird comfort… even though I’d not wish anxiety, self loathing or anything remotely similar on anyone.
It just pains me that I rarely get an opportunity to show I’m not a complete nut job..!
One day…
I couldn't agree more. Those who don't know how it feels, I wish they could understand. But I wouldn't wish the feelings on anyone.
I wouldnt want anyone to suffer like I have, it's so painful in so many ways.
Because I struggle so much in social situations, I get told I'm a snob cause i dont really talk to anyone, if only they actually knew the truth.
I'm no snob
"Oh darling... I get the same | |||
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"Definitely. I scroll on from loads of people thinking, they won't want fatty mctubby" And yet, so many people do. It always surprises me when they actually really do. When they really seem to adore my body, no holds barred! | |||
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"Yes I do feel that way but not just in regards to my looks I relate to that feeling in many aspects of my life. I never believe I'm good enough. But I am better than I was. And it's getting to a point now where I'm thinking maybe I'm actually not as bad as I think I am but I think that's because I am becoming more content with myself as time passes. So I'm just kind of believing people, because people do seem to find me attractive and people do seem to enjoy my company and I've spent so much of my life being mean to myself and life is too short. I don't have anything to lose so I'm doing my best to go with the flow and only good things have happened so far. You're worth it baby." I've spent my life being told by others and as a result, myself, that I'm not good enough. I can relate. I love that you're at the stage where you've realised life is too short... you're so worth it | |||
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"... in particular the "I cant imagine why they might like me so clearly they don't" thing. They're gorgeous, athletic, funny, seem sane and sorted and you look at yourself and think "well, maybe opposites attract, but do they attract when they're *this* far apart? That person must be flirting for a joke or something." And then you don't send the message, or respond to the wink, or reply to their first message, or their flirt, or whatever. Well... do you? And if so, why? If you think it but don't let it stop you going for it, how do you get over it? And if you don't even think it (fuck me, I'd like to be at that stage)... did you ever think it?" Yes. Especially when they have another partner who is beautiful, slim, witty and sarcastic and just fab. Then there is you. Then there is them, themself. They are funny, engaging, into many of the same things as you and have the need/drive to go out and about when they like and are great at socialising. Then there is you. So yes. I do get that. Lots. Not entirly an example of meeting someone for the first time or making the first approach but definitely a feeling of inadequacy. Knowing your a fat knacker, who is partially deaf, walks with a walking stick and gets tired sooo easily doesn't help. When previously you were just fat knacker and the others were sort of thrust on you to deal with again doesn't help with the confidence. Anyway, that's one of the multitude of reasons why it is former partner. | |||
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"... in particular the "I cant imagine why they might like me so clearly they don't" thing. They're gorgeous, athletic, funny, seem sane and sorted and you look at yourself and think "well, maybe opposites attract, but do they attract when they're *this* far apart? That person must be flirting for a joke or something." And then you don't send the message, or respond to the wink, or reply to their first message, or their flirt, or whatever. Well... do you? And if so, why? If you think it but don't let it stop you going for it, how do you get over it? And if you don't even think it (fuck me, I'd like to be at that stage)... did you ever think it?" yep all of that. On dating sites my first question is always if they swiped right on purpose | |||
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"Yes a few times most notably about 2 years ago was messaged by someone we chatted a fair bit got on decent she was amazing, intelligent, humble I didn’t even see her face but just knew she would be amazing she had o lay seen me from the neck down I knew she would be a mile out of my league that combined with at the time was still not over the ex leaving ect and didn’t take it past the just chatting phase she eventually got bored and stopped message " Do you think maybe that was more to do with the ex leaving and not being over that, or something more? | |||
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"I've always worked on the principle that there are no 'leagues' to be in or out of, that attraction and interest aren't something you can quantify easily and that second guessing what others may or may not be attracted to or interested in is pointless and beyond your control. What's the worst that can happen? Someone turns you down? That's life. Even if there's not the attraction that will result in you getting jiggy then you may find yourself making some awesome friends along the way. And that is just as important as finding someone who wants to jump your bones, sometimes even more so. As for distance? It sucks. Big time. But hey - at least we're not in America where many don't ever even leave their state, let alone make any reasonable journey. You may not be able to see someone as often as you'd like but when you do get the chance it makes it all the better. "Well, you know how I feel about sodding distance. And I definitely agree with that. I still don't think I'm worth any kind of travel, but some people must do I guess...
Your attitude to attraction is glorious, and of course you're right. The "fuck it and see" is exactly what I think many people do... and it's what a lot of people could do more of if they could only find the "fuck it" part I think.
Plus... friends rock. I'm so good at the friendzone I think I have my own county | |||
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"Yes a few times most notably about 2 years ago was messaged by someone we chatted a fair bit got on decent she was amazing, intelligent, humble I didn’t even see her face but just knew she would be amazing she had o lay seen me from the neck down I knew she would be a mile out of my league that combined with at the time was still not over the ex leaving ect and didn’t take it past the just chatting phase she eventually got bored and stopped message Do you think maybe that was more to do with the ex leaving and not being over that, or something more?" Maybe a bit but was fully aware of situation It was just me frightened to take next step thinking once sees me in person mainly facially would be like fuck this and be off she had offered to come show me how to use washing machine ect I just never took the next steps of actuslly accepting meeting for cuppa or drink or owt | |||
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"I think there is wayyy too much overthinking here. If they express interest. Take it as face value and find out if it’s genuine. That’s what I did in the past. Works well!" This is joyful! Good on you! Unfortunately, overthinking is a really hard habit to break. And it is often as a result of past experiences. It isn't usually our own voice in our head that is bringing the negative... but those from our past, or indeed present, telling us we aren't enough. | |||
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"Yeah some times... I think that "they're out of my league" then I tell people who say that to me, there's no such thing as leagues... And then I remember I've fucked ridiculously hot 25 yr olds... And then the cycle starts again
Oh and I definitely "just do it" more often now, because what have I got to lose? A coffee with a gorgeous guy, or maybe even more... Win win situation really! "You make a fabulous point here... the "I tell other people there is no such thing as leagues". And it sounds like you're getting to be not just a cheerleader for others (so to speak) but also for you. Keep going, you wonderful woman... that's brilliant! | |||
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" Yes. Especially when they have another partner who is beautiful, slim, witty and sarcastic and just fab. Then there is you. Then there is them, themself. They are funny, engaging, into many of the same things as you and have the need/drive to go out and about when they like and are great at socialising. Then there is you. So yes. I do get that. Lots. Not entirly an example of meeting someone for the first time or making the first approach but definitely a feeling of inadequacy. Knowing your a fat knacker, who is partially deaf, walks with a walking stick and gets tired sooo easily doesn't help. When previously you were just fat knacker and the others were sort of thrust on you to deal with again doesn't help with the confidence. Anyway, that's one of the multitude of reasons why it is former partner." I understand that all too well. I'm fat, knackered, have hearing aids and am a speccy 4 eyes. I should be walking with crutches but I'm too stubborn. I'm so sorry your former partner thrust others onto you to deal with. That isn't fair. I couldn't cope with that, I know that for sure. And what you've described is a very good breeding ground for brain goblins. I hope you can quiet yours sometimes and find the fuck it. | |||
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"All the time." I hope you can sometimes find the "fuck it" at least. | |||
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"... in particular the "I cant imagine why they might like me so clearly they don't" thing. They're gorgeous, athletic, funny, seem sane and sorted and you look at yourself and think "well, maybe opposites attract, but do they attract when they're *this* far apart? That person must be flirting for a joke or something." And then you don't send the message, or respond to the wink, or reply to their first message, or their flirt, or whatever. Well... do you? And if so, why? If you think it but don't let it stop you going for it, how do you get over it? And if you don't even think it (fuck me, I'd like to be at that stage)... did you ever think it? yep all of that. On dating sites my first question is always if they swiped right on purpose" That's a very definite self sabotage... as you know you do it, maybe it is worth stopping and considering "Hi, how are you? Thanks for swiping right!" | |||
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"Yes a few times most notably about 2 years ago was messaged by someone we chatted a fair bit got on decent she was amazing, intelligent, humble I didn’t even see her face but just knew she would be amazing she had o lay seen me from the neck down I knew she would be a mile out of my league that combined with at the time was still not over the ex leaving ect and didn’t take it past the just chatting phase she eventually got bored and stopped message Do you think maybe that was more to do with the ex leaving and not being over that, or something more? Maybe a bit but was fully aware of situation It was just me frightened to take next step thinking once sees me in person mainly facially would be like fuck this and be off she had offered to come show me how to use washing machine ect I just never took the next steps of actuslly accepting meeting for cuppa or drink or owt " I hope you've managed to take steps to stop yourself from that now? | |||
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"It has been the bane of my life, never really got over it." I think it gets harder the longer it goes on. You get caught in a cycle that becomes more of a hole and it is so hard to climb out. I hope you find your "fuck it" at least now and then... | |||
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"... in particular the "I cant imagine why they might like me so clearly they don't" thing. They're gorgeous, athletic, funny, seem sane and sorted and you look at yourself and think "well, maybe opposites attract, but do they attract when they're *this* far apart? That person must be flirting for a joke or something." And then you don't send the message, or respond to the wink, or reply to their first message, or their flirt, or whatever. Well... do you? And if so, why? If you think it but don't let it stop you going for it, how do you get over it? And if you don't even think it (fuck me, I'd like to be at that stage)... did you ever think it? yep all of that. On dating sites my first question is always if they swiped right on purpose That's a very definite self sabotage... as you know you do it, maybe it is worth stopping and considering "Hi, how are you? Thanks for swiping right!"" The swipe rights are so rare that if they are attractive I assume it can't be real. But maybe I'll give your suggestion a go x | |||
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"I don't self sabotage, no. I have too much regard for myself to do that " That's great. It's always good to read that people do manage to think highly of themselves | |||
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"... Self-sabotage is my middle name, and has been for years. But, from my experience, it's (mostly) down to the fact that I don't value myself or believe I have anything worthwhile to offer to others. I also think (self-)confidence, even if it's just a temporary loss, can play a part in why we do (or don't) achieve something we want. Do you always self-sabotage, or is there a pattern for when you do/don't? I'd agree. For me... no pattern at all. I've (slowly) been teaching myself to adopt a mentality whereby “if I don't buy a lottery ticket, then I'll never win” kind of thinking, if that makes sense. Or I'll just change my middle name
In all seriousness, I hope you find something that helps you to start believing in yourself again because I'd happily respond to you
I should have put one of those pointless disclaimers (that everyone rolls their eyes at) in the OP. It isn't about me. Well. It is. But it isn't about me now. I'm not even looking for anyone, so while there is bafflement when someone likes me, I don't need to worry about taking a shot, or whether they're doing it for a bet or anything. I mean... I still do think that, but it isn't really an issue.
But thanks "Ah, OK. No worries! | |||
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" Reading all these messages are touching and illuminating. It's easy for me and others to say try this or we do that but it's clear lots of people have and are trying. And sad to see people I and I'm sure many others genuinely think are smart, amazing, sexy, gorgeous just doubt themselves to the point of self sabotage. I may not know what it feels like but truly do hope these discussions can help people see they're not alone and possibly shed some light on ideas and ways you can benefit from. " This is kind of the point I wanted the thread to make. Those of us who feel this way aren't alone in our thinking. And so many of those of us who feel this way are actually people who others look at and think "that person is so gorgeous, so sexy, so much *more* than me... why would they want me?" Many, many people don't see in the mirror (if they even have a mirror... I have one that I can see my face in, that's it) what others see when they look at them... and as has been said, not only what others see on the outside but inside as well. And that's such a massive shame. Because all humans have something. Whatever that something may be. And attraction is such a personal thing. I never would have thought, ever, that the men who have been attracted to me would be. I'm pretty sure alcohol was a factor in some cases, but even so they didn't vomit upon seeing me the following morning so we shall call that a bonus. Second guessing what others find attractive in you is harmful to yourself and unfair to the other person... because you're calling their judgement into question. If we can't be kind to ourselves for ourselves, how about we try trusting the judgement of people we think are good, kind and decent people? I know it is easy to say. Because I find it so easy to say. And yet I find it so hard to do. I try. And I'd love it if the people who have posted their hearts here, and those who haven't but are feeling these things, could try too. Turn the voices of the brain goblins down as far as you can. And when the people say positive things, turn the volume up. That's another easy thing to say that isn't necessarily easy to do. But remember... the past is the past. We don't live there any more and we can choose to leave the people from there exactly there. But we are the only ones who can decide to do that, to move on. To take the steps into our futures. So... we need to start to say "fuck it". We need to be like these glorious humans who know that humans are attracted to different things. That the proof is in what we can do, what we have achieved, not in the thought that we can't do things. We are good enough. We are enough. Maybe we do work to our full potential, maybe those who told us we didn't were wrong, and trying to squeeze too hard. And maybe sometimes, just sometimes we need to cut ourselves some slack. I hope that in some tiny way, this may help those who don't feel the positivity they could do. And if not now... at some point. | |||
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