FabSwingers.com forum: Narcissistic family members.

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

This might sound a bit weird, but every time I visit my mum her partner always tries to gaslight me. He is very narcissistic Even my mum is beginning to copy and follow the way he treats people. The only time they get in contact with me is when they want something. There are always small gifts such as food parcels and small trinkets which is a typical narcissistic trait. And when things have been sorted, the psychological torment and abuse start that cause major arguments.

I am now getting to the point where I no longer want to visit her and want to avoid my family altogether. I have already ended two friendships with people that were narcissistic which has improved my mental status, a huge sum. I know this is a hard situation to deal with, but it's the best for my mental status.

Any feedback would be useful.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

I would say two things.

It's entirely sensible to my way of thinking to avoid people who are bad for your mental health.

I'm not keen on labelling people narcissists.

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By *allySlinkyWoman
over a year ago

Leeds

What makes you think that asking for a food parcel or small trinket is a typically narcissistic trait ?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm in two minds, on one hand, toxicity shouldn't be tolerated, regardless of relationship.

Though I do wonder if your Mum may need help.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"What makes you think that asking for a food parcel or small trinket is a typically narcissistic trait ?"

I didn't ask for food gifts and trinkets. when they want something they come with little gifts. If they wanted help, they could ask. They don't need to buy it. In the past when I said no thanks and the argument starts is called gaslighting They accuse me of wanting things constantly when I don't need them. Typical narcissistic traits.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I'm in two minds, on one hand, toxicity shouldn't be tolerated, regardless of relationship.

Though I do wonder if your Mum may need help.

"
she does, but she would not take advice.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I'm in two minds, on one hand, toxicity shouldn't be tolerated, regardless of relationship.

Though I do wonder if your Mum may need help.

she does, but she would not take advice."

Maybe get her alone, express your concerns, and that you're there for her if she wants the help, but will not be treated that way.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I'm in two minds, on one hand, toxicity shouldn't be tolerated, regardless of relationship.

Though I do wonder if your Mum may need help.

she does, but she would not take advice.

Maybe get her alone, express your concerns, and that you're there for her if she wants the help, but will not be treated that way."
I've done that, but I just get abuse from her.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I'm in two minds, on one hand, toxicity shouldn't be tolerated, regardless of relationship.

Though I do wonder if your Mum may need help.

she does, but she would not take advice.

Maybe get her alone, express your concerns, and that you're there for her if she wants the help, but will not be treated that way. I've done that, but I just get abuse from her. "
her partner has really taken control. He even bullies me when I go round. But I ignore it any gets argumentative and starts arguments between me and my mother and gets pleasure from it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I'm in two minds, on one hand, toxicity shouldn't be tolerated, regardless of relationship.

Though I do wonder if your Mum may need help.

I agree with this. Your mum may need help but at the same time it's very difficult to help someone who is in a controlling relationship.

You have to do what's best for you but maybe let your mum know that you will be there for her.

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By *allySlinkyWoman
over a year ago

Leeds

Could you try only seeing your mother when he's not there ?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think the important thing here, Ale, is that it doesn’t matter what any of us think. It’s what you think and feel, and what I’m reading is you feel manipulated by your Mum and her partner. Narcissists or not - if you don’t enjoy interacting with them, you would be right to limit your contact with them. I’ve done it myself before, just told them I was really busy with work and then tired from all the work I’ve been doing

I hope you can find a way through it, it’s tough, I know x

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Could you try only seeing your mother when he's not there ?"
I've made my mind up. I'm not going to visit them.

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By *estarossa.Woman
over a year ago

Flagrante

So they do a barter system when you help them with things?

Ie, you get something in return for helping them, is that correct?

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By *ealitybitesMan
over a year ago

Belfast

I used to know someone who called many others including her ex narcissists.

The funny thing was though she was browsing the internet until the early hours every single night looking for info to back up her claims and she joined at least 30 different narcissist hating groups on social media.

Anyone including friends who tried pointing her in a different direction became targets for her bile and toxic nature.

She caused all sorts of rows and arguments with friends I had stupidly introduced her to and resorted to fatshaming some of them.

When I stopped engaging with her just before Covid hit she started a campaign of hate against me on FB and accused me of being narcissistic as well.

The irony wasn't lost on me.

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

I'm inclined to think the label of narcissism is irrelevant. It's about how you manage the situation.

Try to think about how you can act in a way that's less likely to set people off - say, the grey rock technique. Keeping in mind there's likely to be an extinction burst if you cut off what someone wants and they're behaving in this way. (I am aware of the irony of using narcissism/personality disorder language and saying not to worry about it too much).

I don't know how you'd manage this, but try to maintain contact with your mum. Don't push her, but make sure she knows you are and will remain a safe person for her, regardless of what her partner might do. That's the best thing you can do for her.

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By *ohn KanakaMan
over a year ago

Not all that North of North London

I'm genuinely confused by some of the OPs comments on this thread around narcissism but ultimately if contact causes you this much stress, then limit or end contact

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By *allySlinkyWoman
over a year ago

Leeds

"Could you try only seeing your mother when he's not there ?

I've made my mind up. I'm not going to visit them."

So he has won

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

"I'm genuinely confused by some of the OPs comments on this thread around narcissism but ultimately if contact causes you this much stress, then limit or end contact"

I think a lot of mental health terms are thrown around too often

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