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By *ob and Dee OP   Woman
over a year ago

crook

my 25 year old son lives at home and has a girlfriend who he sees every week.my son doesnt drive and gets two buses to her home. Recently my daughter told me that my son told her that the girlfriend isnt nice to him and is verbally abusive to him. This has angered me that i want to go and speak to her (i wont tolerate people like that) last week my son phoned me at 1am asking me to get a lift and pick him up. I phoned rob and we went to get him.i worry now when he goes there and i dont need this at all.

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

He's 25. Stop mummying.

If anyone is going to tell her that he's worth more. HE is.

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

P.S. Let him know that your deadline for mummy's / daddy's taxi is 9 p.m. OR even earlier.

Sooner you stop triangulating a relationship and enabling it the sooner it will end.

He needs to grow. Let him.

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

unfortunately, you accidentally messaged me privately instead of in the forum. No worries I'll answer here if you ask here. Otherwise it looks like a private convo . x

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

You are still private messaging me. If what you are saying isn't shady , say it in the open.

I don't do private convos , so if that is what you are after I'm a dead loss.

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By *ob and Dee OP   Woman
over a year ago

crook

me and rob picked him up last week at 1am because hes gf told him to go

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By *ob and Dee OP   Woman
over a year ago

crook

Empathy would be nice someone has just told me. So thank you.

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By *weetkitten65Woman
over a year ago

Halifax

Maybe speak to your Son & find out the facts from him..

Then decide what's best to do...

He maybe 25 but we all need a little guidance at times...

Unfortunately he is the only one who can decide what he finds acceptable in a relationship...

Whilst I understand your instinct is to protect him, talking to his Girlfriend could make things worse for him..

Hopefully it all works out..

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By *nightsoftheCoffeeTableCouple
over a year ago

Leeds

I’d cut those apron strings. Tell him he’s 25 and to grow a pair and sort his own shit out.

The mr

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By *iss.ddWoman
over a year ago

Leeds + Newcastle

Maybe the sister is stirring the pot? Misunderstood the situation? Took something flippant as gospel?

Until your son tells you he has a problem, there isn't one.

At 25 though, he has to fight his own battles and sort it out himself, not having his parents step in on the word of someone else.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You don't do anything. Your son needs to make his own choices in life. He could have just been venting that day after an argument or could be unhappy. Either way, just be there when he comes to you.

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By *onguesandpunsMan
over a year ago

East Midlands

People in abusive relationships of all ages need and deserve empathy and support, not to be told to 'grow a pair'. My advice is to speak to your son, not the abusive partner. Talking with your son gives him agency, and if he's ready to talk he will. Remain calm when you talk with him and listen, don't judge. Speaking with your son's partner has the potential to increase the risk towards him from the partner.

There's also plenty of good advice available here:

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/en/Supporting-a-survivor

Good luck and best wishes for your son.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"People in abusive relationships of all ages need and deserve empathy and support, not to be told to 'grow a pair'. My advice is to speak to your son, not the abusive partner. Talking with your son gives him agency, and if he's ready to talk he will. Remain calm when you talk with him and listen, don't judge. Speaking with your son's partner has the potential to increase the risk towards him from the partner.

There's also plenty of good advice available here:

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/en/Supporting-a-survivor

Good luck and best wishes for your son. "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I had the same issue with an ex, it will be very difficult to talk to him trust me but best thing to do is tell him he will find someone who is nice to him and doesn't miss treat him and shouldn't stay with her because the thought of be single or losing her, I kept going back to my ex after family members told me not to it ended in my heart being absolutely broken but lesson learned I was 21

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If she is abusive then do what you can to stop the relationships - he can easily become a victim of domestic abuse and could end up hurting himself. I’ve seen too many of these victims- anyone saying he should grow a pair do not have the knowledge or experience to comment on this. Best to loose a relationship than a son.

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By *onguesandpunsMan
over a year ago

East Midlands


"People in abusive relationships of all ages need and deserve empathy and support, not to be told to 'grow a pair'. My advice is to speak to your son, not the abusive partner. Talking with your son gives him agency, and if he's ready to talk he will. Remain calm when you talk with him and listen, don't judge. Speaking with your son's partner has the potential to increase the risk towards him from the partner.

There's also plenty of good advice available here:

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/en/Supporting-a-survivor

Good luck and best wishes for your son. "

Just to clarify what I advised a bit further, broaching the subject with your son can be tricky, depending on the type of relationship you have with him. Do you talk openly with him about other life topics for example? It might be better to start off with something very broad and gentle like 'How's things going?' rather than dive straight in with concerns about abusive behaviour. Ultimately he needs to feel he's in a safe and non judgemental space to feel comfortable to talk.

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By *aximus74Woman
over a year ago

Manchester

If it was my son...I would sit him down and say that I had heard she wasn't particularly very nice to him..not getting involved as he's a grown man,but just to keep in mind that NO MATTER what is said or done by this girlfriend..that I would ALWAYS love him and ALWAYS be there for him...night/day/rain/shine... and NOBODY & nothing IN THE WORLD could make me love him any less.. and would be there if he needed to talk or help in anyway. I watched something last week concerning this kind of thing and it broke my heart... we tell women to leave mental and physical abusers and have all the sympathy for them..so it shouldn't be any different to tell a man the same... hope your son is OK x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"If it was my son...I would sit him down and say that I had heard she wasn't particularly very nice to him..not getting involved as he's a grown man,but just to keep in mind that NO MATTER what is said or done by this girlfriend..that I would ALWAYS love him and ALWAYS be there for him...night/day/rain/shine... and NOBODY & nothing IN THE WORLD could make me love him any less.. and would be there if he needed to talk or help in anyway. I watched something last week concerning this kind of thing and it broke my heart... we tell women to leave mental and physical abusers and have all the sympathy for them..so it shouldn't be any different to tell a man the same... hope your son is OK x"

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By *UGGYBEAR2015Man
over a year ago

BRIDPORT


"my 25 year old son lives at home and has a girlfriend who he sees every week.my son doesnt drive and gets two buses to her home. Recently my daughter told me that my son told her that the girlfriend isnt nice to him and is verbally abusive to him. This has angered me that i want to go and speak to her (i wont tolerate people like that) last week my son phoned me at 1am asking me to get a lift and pick him up. I phoned rob and we went to get him.i worry now when he goes there and i dont need this at all."

Do you still take your hanky, lick it wet and wipe the corners of his mouth as well.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"People in abusive relationships of all ages need and deserve empathy and support, not to be told to 'grow a pair'. My advice is to speak to your son, not the abusive partner. Talking with your son gives him agency, and if he's ready to talk he will. Remain calm when you talk with him and listen, don't judge. Speaking with your son's partner has the potential to increase the risk towards him from the partner.

There's also plenty of good advice available here:

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/en/Supporting-a-survivor

Good luck and best wishes for your son. "

This.

I'm pretty sure there is an organisation who provide tips on how to support someone in an abusive relationship, its tricky as the person in the relationship may not recognise it is abusive. If you have a good relationship you could talk about other relationships (your own for example) and ask what is good/ bad, what are your needs/ wants etc. A more general discussion rather than going straight in ( I guess it depends on your relationship with your son of course)

Best of luck.

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By *rAndMrsLilCouple
over a year ago

Barnsley

[Removed by poster at 23/02/23 07:54:23]

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By *rAndMrsLilCouple
over a year ago

Barnsley


"People in abusive relationships of all ages need and deserve empathy and support, not to be told to 'grow a pair'. My advice is to speak to your son, not the abusive partner. Talking with your son gives him agency, and if he's ready to talk he will. Remain calm when you talk with him and listen, don't judge. Speaking with your son's partner has the potential to increase the risk towards him from the partner.

There's also plenty of good advice available here:

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/en/Supporting-a-survivor

Good luck and best wishes for your son. "

Absolutely this.

Some of the comments in this thread are clearly from self appointed Macho alpha males who have never experienced any level of domestic abuse. Those situations can be incredibly difficult to get out of, especially for men because of the expectation that they should just "man up".

Suicide is still the leading cause of death in young men in the UK and it's because they often feel like they'll be ridiculed if they speak up about their feeling and emotions.

People in those situations need help and sympathy

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Can you imagine if this thread was the other way around. A man is verbally abusive to my daughter. You would all have nothing but sympathy.

You need to speak to your son and find out what's going on. Be a listening ear and offer him support, make sure he knows this behaviour isn't something that should be tolerated and that you are there for him. Maybe he will open up, but if not at least he will know you are understanding towards the situation. I'd encourage your daughter to speak with him too since he's opened up to her in the past.

It's such a horrible situation and I totally get why you want to lose your shit at the girlfriend, but it won't solve anything and could push your son away. I wouldn't welcome her at my home and I would have as little to do with her as possible. All you can hope is that your son gets out of this relationship if it is what you've been told.

I am surprised at some of these comments, genuinely disgusting. If my daughter rang me at 1am wanting to get away from a possibly abusive partner you're damn right I'd be there in a flash.

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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago

Dubai & Nottingham

25 and still at home - that’s your problem. Kick him out 7 years ago - work or university - and they will usually turn into men within 3 years

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By *UGGYBEAR2015Man
over a year ago

BRIDPORT


"Can you imagine if this thread was the other way around. A man is verbally abusive to my daughter. You would all have nothing but sympathy.

You need to speak to your son and find out what's going on. Be a listening ear and offer him support, make sure he knows this behaviour isn't something that should be tolerated and that you are there for him. Maybe he will open up, but if not at least he will know you are understanding towards the situation. I'd encourage your daughter to speak with him too since he's opened up to her in the past.

It's such a horrible situation and I totally get why you want to lose your shit at the girlfriend, but it won't solve anything and could push your son away. I wouldn't welcome her at my home and I would have as little to do with her as possible. All you can hope is that your son gets out of this relationship if it is what you've been told.

I am surprised at some of these comments, genuinely disgusting. If my daughter rang me at 1am wanting to get away from a possibly abusive partner you're damn right I'd be there in a flash. "

Hello.

I’m guessing my comment is one of those to which you refer.

I made it based on what I took from the OP.

At no point was there mention of talking to the son and helping him deal with any possible situation.

It was about what the OP was going or wanted to do for him on his behalf, without his knowledge or consent.

That doesn’t come across as caring and supportive to me but a little controlling.

And the last comment came across as ‘this is all I need’.

Again , more about the OP’s feelings than care for someone else.

Others may read the OP and take something totally different from it but this was my take.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Aww love to you OP, always tricky stuff to sort ??

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By *aitonelMan
over a year ago

Liverpool


"Can you imagine if this thread was the other way around. A man is verbally abusive to my daughter. You would all have nothing but sympathy.

You need to speak to your son and find out what's going on. Be a listening ear and offer him support, make sure he knows this behaviour isn't something that should be tolerated and that you are there for him. Maybe he will open up, but if not at least he will know you are understanding towards the situation. I'd encourage your daughter to speak with him too since he's opened up to her in the past.

It's such a horrible situation and I totally get why you want to lose your shit at the girlfriend, but it won't solve anything and could push your son away. I wouldn't welcome her at my home and I would have as little to do with her as possible. All you can hope is that your son gets out of this relationship if it is what you've been told.

I am surprised at some of these comments, genuinely disgusting. If my daughter rang me at 1am wanting to get away from a possibly abusive partner you're damn right I'd be there in a flash. "

100%

Got to love a good old victim blaming session. Regardless of what stage, it is domestic abuse and should be handled with empathy and compassion. Unreported domestic violence by men as victims is so low because very few people actually give a fuck, and throw out the shame card. Suicide in young men is so high because of a lack of support, empathy, and compassion.

You mostly certainly need to be supportive and take on the role as the guardian parent but the key word is supportive. He needs to be the one to actually do the hard work getting out of the situation the relationship he is in.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Ooops seems to turn emoticons into question marks, was a big kiss sent to OP!

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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago

Dubai & Nottingham


"Empathy would be nice someone has just told me. So thank you."

There’s definitely a place for that. As adults if things go wrong in the kids lives I will always be there to support them emotionally, practically and financially but from around 14/15 they are prepared and gain the skills to live independently from 18. You do them no favours, especially boys, letting them stay.

Now he has a 2nd mummy who seems a bit tough tee than his first

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By *onguesandpunsMan
over a year ago

East Midlands


"People in abusive relationships of all ages need and deserve empathy and support, not to be told to 'grow a pair'. My advice is to speak to your son, not the abusive partner. Talking with your son gives him agency, and if he's ready to talk he will. Remain calm when you talk with him and listen, don't judge. Speaking with your son's partner has the potential to increase the risk towards him from the partner.

There's also plenty of good advice available here:

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/en/Supporting-a-survivor

Good luck and best wishes for your son.

Absolutely this.

Some of the comments in this thread are clearly from self appointed Macho alpha males who have never experienced any level of domestic abuse. Those situations can be incredibly difficult to get out of, especially for men because of the expectation that they should just "man up".

Suicide is still the leading cause of death in young men in the UK and it's because they often feel like they'll be ridiculed if they speak up about their feeling and emotions.

People in those situations need help and sympathy"

Couldn't agree more. Some major toxic masculinity on display here sadly.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Empathy would be nice someone has just told me. So thank you.

There’s definitely a place for that. As adults if things go wrong in the kids lives I will always be there to support them emotionally, practically and financially but from around 14/15 they are prepared and gain the skills to live independently from 18. You do them no favours, especially boys, letting them stay.

Now he has a 2nd mummy who seems a bit tough tee than his first "

Have you heard yourself?

Some of you need to take a look in the mirror. I think this thread shows why we have such a long way to go when it comes to males experiencing domestic abuse.

This 'man up' attitude and culture is fucking toxic.

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By *bi HaiveMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Cheeseville, Somerset


"Can you imagine if this thread was the other way around. A man is verbally abusive to my daughter. You would all have nothing but sympathy.

You need to speak to your son and find out what's going on. Be a listening ear and offer him support, make sure he knows this behaviour isn't something that should be tolerated and that you are there for him. Maybe he will open up, but if not at least he will know you are understanding towards the situation. I'd encourage your daughter to speak with him too since he's opened up to her in the past.

It's such a horrible situation and I totally get why you want to lose your shit at the girlfriend, but it won't solve anything and could push your son away. I wouldn't welcome her at my home and I would have as little to do with her as possible. All you can hope is that your son gets out of this relationship if it is what you've been told.

I am surprised at some of these comments, genuinely disgusting. If my daughter rang me at 1am wanting to get away from a possibly abusive partner you're damn right I'd be there in a flash.

100%

Got to love a good old victim blaming session. Regardless of what stage, it is domestic abuse and should be handled with empathy and compassion. Unreported domestic violence by men as victims is so low because very few people actually give a fuck, and throw out the shame card. Suicide in young men is so high because of a lack of support, empathy, and compassion.

You mostly certainly need to be supportive and take on the role as the guardian parent but the key word is supportive. He needs to be the one to actually do the hard work getting out of the situation the relationship he is in."

This 100%

Talk to him. Not her.

You've not heard the facts from either of the two important people in this relationship - your son and his girlfriend, just your daughter, whose perception may be different and based on loyalty to your son.

It's possible that they're both equally to blame for issues in the relationship and that it's not a case of her being the abusive demon your daughter is claiming her to be. But you won't know until you talk to him. It's natural to take sides with family but that can taint any view of a negative situation and family members aren't unfortunately always the completely innocent parties we hope them to be.

So no - don't go rushing to speak to the girlfriend til you've got his side of the story and if you do then try and speak to her it's important to do it in a calm and controlled way to get her side of the story without being aggressive as this will naturally cause her to adopt a defensive stance.

There are always several sides to a story. You've heard one and not yet from the important sides.

A

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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago

Dubai & Nottingham


"Empathy would be nice someone has just told me. So thank you.

There’s definitely a place for that. As adults if things go wrong in the kids lives I will always be there to support them emotionally, practically and financially but from around 14/15 they are prepared and gain the skills to live independently from 18. You do them no favours, especially boys, letting them stay.

Now he has a 2nd mummy who seems a bit tough tee than his first

Have you heard yourself?

Some of you need to take a look in the mirror. I think this thread shows why we have such a long way to go when it comes to males experiencing domestic abuse.

This 'man up' attitude and culture is fucking toxic. "

I never said man up , but boys need to become men just as girls need to become women.

Then when someone speaks them in a way that isn’t nice, they will be able to deal with it.

They also need to be supported and role modelled by parents, family members and parents friends, the right ones, and kept out the way of the wrong and they will choose relationships wisely

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By *weetkitten65Woman
over a year ago

Halifax


"People in abusive relationships of all ages need and deserve empathy and support, not to be told to 'grow a pair'. My advice is to speak to your son, not the abusive partner. Talking with your son gives him agency, and if he's ready to talk he will. Remain calm when you talk with him and listen, don't judge. Speaking with your son's partner has the potential to increase the risk towards him from the partner.

There's also plenty of good advice available here:

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/en/Supporting-a-survivor

Good luck and best wishes for your son.

Absolutely this.

Some of the comments in this thread are clearly from self appointed Macho alpha males who have never experienced any level of domestic abuse. Those situations can be incredibly difficult to get out of, especially for men because of the expectation that they should just "man up".

Suicide is still the leading cause of death in young men in the UK and it's because they often feel like they'll be ridiculed if they speak up about their feeling and emotions.

People in those situations need help and sympathy

Couldn't agree more. Some major toxic masculinity on display here sadly. "

Totally agree

People having a go at the Mother & saying she's controlling, uncaring etc...

She may have issues herself she is dealing with & says this is the last thing she needs as she is becoming overwhelmed with things.

Fact is she was asking for help & reaching out,it this is the only place she might have done..

If she is reading some of the comments imagine how this will make her feel..

Kindness & empathy costs nothing.

And if she is reading this, please ring the Samaritans they are there to listen & not judge..

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By *alking HeadMan
over a year ago

Bolton

I'd be interested to hear just what this verbal abuse is exactly. Could well be the sister is completely misreading something. He might well be giving as good as he gets.

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By *ustBoWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere in Co. Down

If you want to talk to someone talk to your son. If his girlfriend is abusive talking her her could just make matters worse and cause her to try and control him even more and build a wall between you all.

Abusive relationships are horrible and can be difficult to get out of especially when one person is controlling.

You need to keep your cool and let your son know he is loved and that you are there for him whatever happens. Do not slate her or rant about her though. He probably knows in his own mind that what is happening is wrong but only he can make the break to get away no one else can make that decision for him.

Some of the comments on this thread are vile though especially the ones along the lines of man up etc. Like previous posters had said if it was a daughter instead of a son there would be an overwhelmingly amount of support for the victim. But as it's a man they are told to man up. It's absolutely vile. Domestic abuse is just as serious when it's a man who is the victim and the attitude shown by some on this thread is exactly why a lot won't speak out when it happens. They get laughed at and mocked instead of the support they need it the most. It's makes me sick to the stomach seeing the hypocrisy of how male and female victims of abuse are treated by some people.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"P.S. Let him know that your deadline for mummy's / daddy's taxi is 9 p.m. OR even earlier.

Sooner you stop triangulating a relationship and enabling it the sooner it will end.

He needs to grow. Let him. "
This

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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago

South Wales

I love the way most are ignoring the potential abuse issues and just banging on about the son needing to cut the apron strings etc.

Would be totally different responses if it was a daughter.

OP, I understand your concerns, but unless your son raises these issues with you direct it’s just heresay. I’d make sure he know’s his value, that he doesn’t have to put up with abuse (verbal or otherwise) and that if he needed to talk to you about it he can.

Unfortunately, if he’s still in love with her you’re going to have to wait for that mist to clear before he sees things how they really are.

And it shouldn’t matter how old somebody is, if they ask for help you should give it, if you can (picking him up etc). It wasn’t because he’d gone out on the lash and was stranded, his girlfriend kicked him out.

Men can get attacked when walking the streets as well as women.

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By *iscean_dreamMan
over a year ago

Llanelli

He needs to leave her, I've been in his position and put up with it for too long.

I don't tolerate it at all now and would very quickly move on from someone like that in the future.

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By *imi_RougeWoman
over a year ago

Portsmouth

And people wonder why men don't speak to when they're having problems... Some of these attitudes are vile.

I agree with what Lemon said.

Give him a safe space to talk.

I bet all the "men" would have been going round there to sort him out if it were the other way round

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By *andyfloss2000Woman
over a year ago

ashford

As hard as it seems b best to let him work it out for himself! At 25 u can't b solving his relationship problems! And I get where u coming from! I have a 25 year old and would make me want to do same! But wouldn't intervine just b there to pick up the peices x

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By *ris GrayMan
over a year ago

Dorchester


"my 25 year old son lives at home and has a girlfriend who he sees every week.my son doesnt drive and gets two buses to her home. Recently my daughter told me that my son told her that the girlfriend isnt nice to him and is verbally abusive to him. This has angered me that i want to go and speak to her (i wont tolerate people like that) last week my son phoned me at 1am asking me to get a lift and pick him up. I phoned rob and we went to get him.i worry now when he goes there and i dont need this at all."
You can't live your sons life for him he has to learn from his own mistakes, just be their for him when he needs you

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Can you imagine if this thread was the other way around. A man is verbally abusive to my daughter. You would all have nothing but sympathy.

You need to speak to your son and find out what's going on. Be a listening ear and offer him support, make sure he knows this behaviour isn't something that should be tolerated and that you are there for him. Maybe he will open up, but if not at least he will know you are understanding towards the situation. I'd encourage your daughter to speak with him too since he's opened up to her in the past.

It's such a horrible situation and I totally get why you want to lose your shit at the girlfriend, but it won't solve anything and could push your son away. I wouldn't welcome her at my home and I would have as little to do with her as possible. All you can hope is that your son gets out of this relationship if it is what you've been told.

I am surprised at some of these comments, genuinely disgusting. If my daughter rang me at 1am wanting to get away from a possibly abusive partner you're damn right I'd be there in a flash. "

This 100%

Miss S x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"And people wonder why men don't speak to when they're having problems... Some of these attitudes are vile.

I agree with what Lemon said.

Give him a safe space to talk.

I bet all the "men" would have been going round there to sort him out if it were the other way round "

And this

Miss S x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Can you imagine if this thread was the other way around. A man is verbally abusive to my daughter. You would all have nothing but sympathy.

You need to speak to your son and find out what's going on. Be a listening ear and offer him support, make sure he knows this behaviour isn't something that should be tolerated and that you are there for him. Maybe he will open up, but if not at least he will know you are understanding towards the situation. I'd encourage your daughter to speak with him too since he's opened up to her in the past.

It's such a horrible situation and I totally get why you want to lose your shit at the girlfriend, but it won't solve anything and could push your son away. I wouldn't welcome her at my home and I would have as little to do with her as possible. All you can hope is that your son gets out of this relationship if it is what you've been told.

I am surprised at some of these comments, genuinely disgusting. If my daughter rang me at 1am wanting to get away from a possibly abusive partner you're damn right I'd be there in a flash.

This 100%

Miss S x"

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By *onguesandpunsMan
over a year ago

East Midlands

Oh my days. 'Boys need to become men'? What does that even mean? Boys, men, women, girls, transgender people and everyone inbetween experience abusive behaviour and it's nothing to be ashamed of or to be discouraged from seeking advice or help to address, no matter who you are or how old you are.

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By *onguesandpunsMan
over a year ago

East Midlands


"Oh my days. 'Boys need to become men'? What does that even mean? Boys, men, women, girls, transgender people and everyone inbetween experience abusive behaviour and it's nothing to be ashamed of or to be discouraged from seeking advice or help to address, no matter who you are or how old you are. "

I'm 46, and whenever I have a life challenge I need advice about, I'm proud to say one of the first people I'd turn to is my mum.

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By *ohn KanakaMan
over a year ago

Not all that North of North London

Fucking hell there are some horrific toxic masculinity comments on this thread.

No one knows if the relationship is abusive, there is one comment from his sister and one call ti be picked up. It could be abusive, or the relationship could be in a bad place, or you could be hearing just one side of the story.

Talking to his partner is a horrendous idea. It's based on nothing but second hand comments, it will drive a wedge between you and your son, your son and his sister and your son and his girlfriend.

Speak to your son. Ask him what happened when he needed picking up and tell him his sister is worried about him. And most of all listen to him. And if he says nothing is wrong, accept that but remind him you will always be there for him.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"25 and still at home - that’s your problem. Kick him out 7 years ago - work or university - and they will usually turn into men within 3 years "

My son just moved out, he's 32..

My other son moved out last year, he was 27....

They don't need turning into men in 3 years, they are already men.

Some people love their sons and like them living at home.

No way in this world would I have kicked either of them out

The OP has asked for advice, not a lecture on how long they should let their son live at home for ..

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

Be a safe person for him. Probably at 25, like a very good friend. You can't intervene, but you can give him a safe supportive person or people to seek out as an alternative to abuse - that is, you.

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By *ou only live onceMan
over a year ago

London

I agree some of the replies on this thread are a bit old school to say the least, and I don't subscribe to the "just be a man" bollocks, but none of us know what the extent of this is. His sister may have just overhead an argument, rather than it being an abusive relationship. Who knows.

But as to what you should do, OP - I would simply ask him if he is happy. I'm pretty sure that's what my Mum would do. Give him the chance to open up. He may not take it.

Assuming you don't think he's in danger, don't try to "fix" it or tell him what to do (this part of the growing up point I do agree with, that he needs to work out what he feels for his gf and what he wants), just let him know you're there. But I do agree you should stop being taxi for a 25yo!

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By *iss.ddWoman
over a year ago

Leeds + Newcastle


"

No one knows if the relationship is abusive, there is one comment from his sister and one call ti be picked up. It could be abusive, or the relationship could be in a bad place, or you could be hearing just one side of the story.

Talking to his partner is a horrendous idea. It's based on nothing but second hand comments, it will drive a wedge between you and your son, your son and his sister and your son and his girlfriend.

Speak to your son. Ask him what happened when he needed picking up and tell him his sister is worried about him. And most of all listen to him. And if he says nothing is wrong, accept that but remind him you will always be there for him."

This is what I was getting at in my post

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By *ecadent_DevonMan
over a year ago

Okehampton

You cannot stop the ones you love falling over, you can only pick them up, dust them off and set them back on the path.

Your son is in a toxic relationship (or so it would appear), this toxicity will only spread to others if they intervene.

If you intervene you will either

a) cause the breakdown of their relationship (which will lead to you being blamed, no closure for your son or his partner and months if not years of “damage”)

b) you will force your son into the arms of this allegedly toxic person, and further from your watchful eye, whilst diminishing his perception of the family support network.

He is 25 years old, he could have got a taxi, this toxic relationship has to start “costing” him something, otherwise it will continue, as the only consequence of him continuing in this relationship is that someone bails him out when it gets rough, he goes back a day later, rinse and repeat. He has to see with his own eyes, feel with his own heart, decide with his own mind.

I’m sorry, it’s shit, but if he is not in any physical danger, you stepping in will only prolong the agony

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"If she is abusive then do what you can to stop the relationships - he can easily become a victim of domestic abuse and could end up hurting himself. I’ve seen too many of these victims- anyone saying he should grow a pair do not have the knowledge or experience to comment on this. Best to loose a relationship than a son. "

I wonder if those suggesting he 'grow a pair' would be saying the same if the sexes were reversed and this was a woman on the receiving end of abuse.

Having been a victim of domestic abuse myself, I find this attitude extremely unhelpful. Men are often reluctant to come forward precisely because of this.

I really thought the Johnny Depp / Amber Heard case last year was going to change attitudes

Abuse is unacceptable regardless of sex

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By *he_Secret_GardenWoman
over a year ago

Naughty Lane

At 25 he should do his own thing not calling you at night to pick him up...

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By *ucka39Man
over a year ago

Newcastle

In life at times whether anyone listening or not have to learn from their own mistakes just be there for them for the fall

Guidance is one thing for someone to take onboard but choices remain theirs

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"You cannot stop the ones you love falling over, you can only pick them up, dust them off and set them back on the path.

Your son is in a toxic relationship (or so it would appear), this toxicity will only spread to others if they intervene.

If you intervene you will either

a) cause the breakdown of their relationship (which will lead to you being blamed, no closure for your son or his partner and months if not years of “damage”)

b) you will force your son into the arms of this allegedly toxic person, and further from your watchful eye, whilst diminishing his perception of the family support network.

He is 25 years old, he could have got a taxi, this toxic relationship has to start “costing” him something, otherwise it will continue, as the only consequence of him continuing in this relationship is that someone bails him out when it gets rough, he goes back a day later, rinse and repeat. He has to see with his own eyes, feel with his own heart, decide with his own mind.

I’m sorry, it’s shit, but if he is not in any physical danger, you stepping in will only prolong the agony "

Again, so much this. My son is 21, and was 'mollycoddled'. I'd step in at every turn to 'save' him up until a couple of years ago. I was told by friends he'd turn on me, I simply couldn't fathom he would. He kinda did for a while, stating I'd been overprotective. It's hard but you really have to let them make their own mistakes - only way they'll learn

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)


"If she is abusive then do what you can to stop the relationships - he can easily become a victim of domestic abuse and could end up hurting himself. I’ve seen too many of these victims- anyone saying he should grow a pair do not have the knowledge or experience to comment on this. Best to loose a relationship than a son.

I wonder if those suggesting he 'grow a pair' would be saying the same if the sexes were reversed and this was a woman on the receiving end of abuse.

Having been a victim of domestic abuse myself, I find this attitude extremely unhelpful. Men are often reluctant to come forward precisely because of this.

I really thought the Johnny Depp / Amber Heard case last year was going to change attitudes

Abuse is unacceptable regardless of sex"

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By *atnip make me purrWoman
over a year ago

Reading


"People in abusive relationships of all ages need and deserve empathy and support, not to be told to 'grow a pair'. My advice is to speak to your son, not the abusive partner. Talking with your son gives him agency, and if he's ready to talk he will. Remain calm when you talk with him and listen, don't judge. Speaking with your son's partner has the potential to increase the risk towards him from the partner.

There's also plenty of good advice available here:

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/en/Supporting-a-survivor

Good luck and best wishes for your son. "

Great advice

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"At 25 he should do his own thing not calling you at night to pick him up... "

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By *opman121Man
over a year ago

stoke on trent

Hi u need to nip it in the bud soon as u can ? See what happens after possibly it will end one way or the other either way she is not suitable for your son hope u get it sorted kev

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Passed my test at 17 wouldn’t of dreamed of calling my parents for a lift at 1am in the morning. Both our girls did the same thing.

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By *aitonelMan
over a year ago

Liverpool


"At 25 he should do his own thing not calling you at night to pick him up... "

So what should a 25 year old woman do when she is in a potentially abusive relationship? Not ask for help?

What should a 45 year old woman do when she is in a potentially abusive relationship? Not ask for help?

Surely that same logic applies to them all, right?

Please go tell all the survivors of toxic and abusive relationships that they should have got out sooner, as it is simply that easy to do so. Or is it a case that they deserve to have been in that relationship and suffered because they didn't get out?

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)


"At 25 he should do his own thing not calling you at night to pick him up...

So what should a 25 year old woman do when she is in a potentially abusive relationship? Not ask for help?

What should a 45 year old woman do when she is in a potentially abusive relationship? Not ask for help?

Surely that same logic applies to them all, right?

Please go tell all the survivors of toxic and abusive relationships that they should have got out sooner, as it is simply that easy to do so. Or is it a case that they deserve to have been in that relationship and suffered because they didn't get out? "

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By *inx.x3Woman
over a year ago

Bath

You can speak to your son but at 25 he’s a man and should be able to sort out his own relationship and work out any issues between themselves.

Be there if he wants to talk to you but you can’t go treating him like a 5 year old speaking to the gf specially since you won’t know the full story.

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By *aitonelMan
over a year ago

Liverpool


"Passed my test at 17 wouldn’t of dreamed of calling my parents for a lift at 1am in the morning. Both our girls did the same thing."

Congrats I guess?

Money is tight for a lot of people, simply saving for lessons and then owning a car can be a cost they just are unable to commit to. Maybe he has a medical reason that does not allow him to drive.

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By *iscean_dreamMan
over a year ago

Llanelli


"Passed my test at 17 wouldn’t of dreamed of calling my parents for a lift at 1am in the morning. Both our girls did the same thing."

Not everyone is lucky enough to be able to do that, I was 26 when I did my test but had no choice because had a kid on the way.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's incredibly difficult when you're a parent and you think your child is struggling. It pulls on your heartstrings, a lot.

However your son is 25 years old so he needs to make his own decisions. You can only give him your advice and be there for emotional support and guidance.

I hope he isn't in an abusive relationship, or if he is, I hope he finds strength to leave.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"You can speak to your son but at 25 he’s a man and should be able to sort out his own relationship and work out any issues between themselves.

Be there if he wants to talk to you but you can’t go treating him like a 5 year old speaking to the gf specially since you won’t know the full story. "

Yep be there to vent to if needed but not be a crutch for him, or he'll always be lame and unable to stand on his own two feet. Co-dependency arises in parent-relationship scenarios too..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Wow.

I was a victim of domestic abuse and called my dad (who I don’t have a great relationship with) to come and get me in the dead of night. He came and got me, no questions asked. I was 32 years old but I still needed help.

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By *etsGetLaidMan
over a year ago

cambridge

If I was hun I would expect someone to tell me they are there for me when I need help and not to get involved if I didn’t ask them to

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By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

Empathy is appropriate at any age when someone is in a difficult situation, especially if it involves bullying and abuse.

After empathy, perhaps the suggestion to talk this over with a counsellor because lack of assertiveness could be worked on at the same time as growing up and becoming independent of parents.

Also, kids do grow up and become mature at different ages, just from own experience. Best of luck OP x

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By *hunky GentMan
over a year ago

Maldon and Peterborough

^^ this lady knows her stuff.

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By *ensual mMan
over a year ago

conwy

Have you thought about asking your son to invite his girlfriend to your house one evening even if it means you picking her up and taking her home late. You can then see how they are together and if anything happens you can take your son aside when shes gone and subtly question him on her behaviour.

This is how i would approach this problem.

Im aware some parents dont want their children having boyfriends or girlfriends over but theyre already doing it at her house and you cant monitor it and make an educated judgement on her behaviour.

Also if she refuses the invitation then its a red flag.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"People in abusive relationships of all ages need and deserve empathy and support, not to be told to 'grow a pair'. My advice is to speak to your son, not the abusive partner. Talking with your son gives him agency, and if he's ready to talk he will. Remain calm when you talk with him and listen, don't judge. Speaking with your son's partner has the potential to increase the risk towards him from the partner.

There's also plenty of good advice available here:

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/en/Supporting-a-survivor

Good luck and best wishes for your son. "

^ sound guidance

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"He's 25. Stop mummying.

If anyone is going to tell her that he's worth more. HE is.

"

Really ?...no matter what age they are they are still your kids , who wants to see their kid in a relationship where he is subjected to verbal abuse ? ..no harm at all in speaking to your kids about that ...no harm at all ..whatever age they are .

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If it was my kids I'd be there for them no matter the age or wherever they are. I

If I discovered that my boy was in a D&V situation damn right I'd intervene....if you can't rely on your parents to support you when you need it then wtf!

I didn't have that growing up, Mum lived away and Dad died when I was 21....and despite mine being 29 and 27 I want them to know that I will be there always no matter what.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Hope you get your boy sorted OP, you do what is right for you and your boy, he is lucky to have supportive parents x

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire

It doesn't matter what age they are still your children. Hopefully he will be able to open up to you.

I know if it was my son it wouldn't matter what age he was

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By *ris GrayMan
over a year ago

Dorchester

I'd actually rather my kids called me at whatever time to come get them and used to regularly pick them up late, its the least that a dad can do

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 23/02/23 19:36:26]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"P.S. Let him know that your deadline for mummy's / daddy's taxi is 9 p.m. OR even earlier.

Sooner you stop triangulating a relationship and enabling it the sooner it will end.

He needs to grow. Let him. "

Thats a bit harsh. I don't care how old my kids get the mummy and daddy taxi will be on call for them if they ever need it. I don't care the time it is they need me I will be there for them.

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By *ehindHerEyesCouple
over a year ago

SomewhereOnlyWeKnow

The day my relationship imploded and I finally had enough of his abuse you know what I did at age 40.... called my mum and do you know what she did..... dropped everything and drove two hours to come and get me, not say tough find your own way here.

Some of the comments are awful on this thread!

OP all I can say from being in that position is let him know you have concerns but he needs to make the choice and whatever he chooses no matter what or when you'll be there for him. Only he can make the choice, confronting her I'd say probably won't help or potentially make things worse for him and could actually drive a wedge between you.

It's tough as a parent you want to protect your children because no matter what they will always be your babies, just let him know you're there for him regardless

Tinder xx

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By *aximus74Woman
over a year ago

Manchester


"Can you imagine if this thread was the other way around. A man is verbally abusive to my daughter. You would all have nothing but sympathy.

You need to speak to your son and find out what's going on. Be a listening ear and offer him support, make sure he knows this behaviour isn't something that should be tolerated and that you are there for him. Maybe he will open up, but if not at least he will know you are understanding towards the situation. I'd encourage your daughter to speak with him too since he's opened up to her in the past.

It's such a horrible situation and I totally get why you want to lose your shit at the girlfriend, but it won't solve anything and could push your son away. I wouldn't welcome her at my home and I would have as little to do with her as possible. All you can hope is that your son gets out of this relationship if it is what you've been told.

I am surprised at some of these comments, genuinely disgusting. If my daughter rang me at 1am wanting to get away from a possibly abusive partner you're damn right I'd be there in a flash. "
this!

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