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Living with alcoholism

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By *dinburghBLT OP   Man
over a year ago

Glasgow

Sorry for bringing this up first thing but I need to.

I need to know if you think I am selfish being on here. The reason my wife doesn’t know I do fab. She thinks swinging is disgusting and that’s her opinion

The reason I am on here is to escape her drinking . My wife can down a litre of gin in a night that’s how bad it’s getting - her whole family has begged her to get help and she keeps on saying she will. She says she needs to drink to cope with the pandemic as she now has regular panic attacks when she leaves the house- she was made redundant in January after 32 years in the same job so this is also a major factor in why she drinks

I don’t know what to do - should I leave her because my life is now pretty hellish - I get virtually no sleep at night because she is drinking and falling over all the time - I don’t want to leave her but for the sake of my health and sanity I may need to

Also the sex life is non existent- now some of you may think - is that all you’re thinking about? Well we all have needs and urges and I would love help with mine which is why I’m on here

Has anyone out there gone thru a similar experience and what did you do?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Firstly I’m so sorry to hear all of this. I have lived with alcoholic parents as a kid so I know the pain you are feeling. The only person who can help your wife is herself. If she’s not ready she will never do it. If she’s ready. Contact your local AA meeting and find her a good sponsor they will help her so much and she can hopefully find the light again. With alcohol the worst thing she can do is cut it out completely it’ll make her incredibly unwell. Cut down fist gradually and slowly and seek medical help if needed there are drugs which can help deal with the withdrawal such as a drug called chlordiazepoxide.

Well done you for being brave and talking about it and for sticking by her. Loving someone in the throes of any addiction is very very hard.

Good luck OP. Take care and be kind to yourself too. It’s not easy. X

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

First thing's first she has to identify that she has drinking problem until then there is nothing you can do.

Distraction is key.

Taking her out where there is no alcohol around keeping her mind stimulated away from the alcohol is the only way to do it.

If you confront it they will get defensive.

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By *rMojoRisinMan
over a year ago

Sheffield

If she is an alcoholic, the problem is hers.

There is nothing you can do.

You have to make choices to safe guard your own and your families future.

I would suggest you go to see Al-Anon.

I’m sorry if this sounds callous.

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By *dinburghBLT OP   Man
over a year ago

Glasgow

Thanks all - I think Al-Anon would be a good step - it may be selfish but i do need to think of my well being

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Thanks all - I think Al-Anon would be a good step - it may be selfish but i do need to think of my well being "

There is also support for you out there too. Friends and family need the advice and guidance too. Don’t neglect yourself. You have to be strong in order to support your mrs.

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By *andyfloss2000Woman
over a year ago

ashford

Very sad and hard for u my ex was a alcoholic and nothing u or anyone can say or do will change them! He couldnt give up the drink for our 3 gourgeous girls! If that wasent incentive enough I cant think what would b! Hopefully she will do it herself! My girls were 18 14 and 11 when the drink took him! A long and complicated story with it! But it is a illness! I wish u all the love and strength! And hopefully a happy outcome x

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By *immyinreadingMan
over a year ago

henley on thames

Sad situation.

As other posters have indicated, the only person who can help an alcoholic is themselves.

Confronting them is more or less useless. They will either deny deny deny, or give in and agree that there is a problem and that they will address it ... but they are just agreeing to get you to shut up.

Ultimately, it is down to an alcoholic to admit they they have a problem and to do something about it.

Some reach that point pretty quickly and pursue a road to recovery, others keep finding a new “rock bottom”, stumbling along for a while, maybe a dry spell, but operate for decades as a functioning alcoholic.

Lockdown / covid / redundancy ... excuses

I have lost a couple of close friends to this curse and also seen friends and relatives ruin their own lives by getting sucked into the dramas and constant crises of trying to help an alcoholic.

Try to help her, but realise that your effectiveness is likely to be minimal, and look after yourself

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By *andyfloss2000Woman
over a year ago

ashford


"Sad situation.

As other posters have indicated, the only person who can help an alcoholic is themselves.

Confronting them is more or less useless. They will either deny deny deny, or give in and agree that there is a problem and that they will address it ... but they are just agreeing to get you to shut up.

Ultimately, it is down to an alcoholic to admit they they have a problem and to do something about it.

Some reach that point pretty quickly and pursue a road to recovery, others keep finding a new “rock bottom”, stumbling along for a while, maybe a dry spell, but operate for decades as a functioning alcoholic.

Lockdown / covid / redundancy ... excuses

I have lost a couple of close friends to this curse and also seen friends and relatives ruin their own lives by getting sucked into the dramas and constant crises of trying to help an alcoholic.

Try to help her, but realise that your effectiveness is likely to be minimal, and look after yourself

"

all sadly true! Its soul destroying x

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By *gent CoulsonMan
over a year ago

Secret hideaway in the pennines

Detox and AA only work if the person really wants to quit.

You do need to talk to her though, find out the reason for her drinking so much, diving into a bottle is an easy way to dismiss underlying issues, I did it many years ago because I couldn't deal with the loss of my wife and unborn child. In the end it just masks the issue.

If you actually care about your wife then talk to her, ask her to get help, you can't do any more than that. If she seeks help, then be there for her, EVERY step at the way. Good luck with whatever you decide

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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago

Dubai & Nottingham


"Detox and AA only work if the person really wants to quit.

You do need to talk to her though, find out the reason for her drinking so much, diving into a bottle is an easy way to dismiss underlying issues, I did it many years ago because I couldn't deal with the loss of my wife and unborn child. In the end it just masks the issue.

If you actually care about your wife then talk to her, ask her to get help, you can't do any more than that. If she seeks help, then be there for her, EVERY step at the way. Good luck with whatever you decide"

That’s right, friends I know where it’s worked they hit absolute rock bottom first to realise they need to stop - or would die, like losing everything, relationships, house, homeless, prison even, other who don’t hit rock bottom often never really want to quit, they are in so much pain and broken they just need it to cope.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I had a family member who was an alcoholic...it was a case 9f tough love and finally they came around...op hope you get your situation sorted ...

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

My experience of close family members and alcoholism isn't a happy or positive one.

I'm sorry to say that most alcoholics will always put alcohol first and lie and cheat to do so. I think you have a choice to stick with it in the hope that she'll get help (you can't make her) or protect yourself in whatever way is necessary.

Alcoholism is an illness the effects of which are as bad for relatives and friends as the person who suffers from it.

I wish I could be more positive.

Contact Al-Anon.

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By *ornyhappyCouple
over a year ago

perth

Ultimately, until the person with the alcohol addiction is willing to admit they have a problem, & actually wants to get help, then there is very little anyone else can do.

As has already been suggested, Al Anon can be a really useful source of advice & support for people who are living with an alcoholic.

Living with someone with an addiction is absolutely exhausting, soul destroying & can also be very isolating. There is support out there OP.

K

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Nothing to add op as there are a lot of good replies here but just want to wish you the very best of luck getting your and your wife’s life’s back to some sort of normal.

Tony

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Alcoholism is a disease that not even the victim can see.

Some great, and probably more experienced replies here. I sincerely wish you the best of luck for you and your partner.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Alcoholism has impacted my life - and as others have said, professional help is a must.. I've yet to meet a reformed alcoholic (some make it, just not those in my life)

I don't envy you OP... Personally i would offer to accompany her to the Drs and AA meetings and let her know yhat you want to help her succeed amd regain control of her life....

She will be flooded with negative emotions - shame, embarrassment, failure, anger, denial, blame, depression, pressure, pain, anguish...

She'll likely feel cornered and will will drink to blot out reality which is too hard for her to deal with

Its a vicious never ending circle that ends in tragedy for all involved

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By *angerous123Man
over a year ago

Leeds

I've lost 3 friends to alcohol, one of them very close and it was an awful experience and still effects me now. Thing is I didn't have to live with them. I think at this point with the amount she's drinking and the fact you can't even get a proper night's sleep then you should protect yourself and not beat yourself up over doing so.

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By *errocaWoman
over a year ago

Shropshire

I lost my partner in 2019, he was only 30. He struggled with alcohol addiction. Went to rehab many times, hospital even more.. I tried my best to show him a 'normal' life, but nothing could help him.. It resulted in doing more harm to myself than anything. Its a really sad situation, but can't help someone, that isn't willing to help themselves.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I wouldn't judge you for leaving. If she's refusing to help herself, I can only imagine how you are feeling and the effect it must have on you.

You know you're in the wrong being on here, so I'm not going to make you feel bad about it. I get it, I've known an alcoholic my whole life and unless you've been in that situation you don't realise how draining it is and how selfish an alcoholic can be.

Sending you strength. If she isn't willing to help herself, then you have to make a tough decision. Do you stay and things might never change? Or do you start a new life and maybe you will be happier?

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By *ustBoWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere in Co. Down

Alcoholism is awful for everyone and sadly usually the person themselves cannot see they have a problem. I dated a guy years ago who was one it took me a while to realise he had an issue as I was quite young and naive and believed he was just drinking for fun at the start after a while I realised it was a lot more serious. No matter how much I tried to help him he didn't want help as he didn't see he had an issue .After a while the lies and constant excuses took it toll on our relationship and we did break up .

It made me realise you can want to help someone and you can talk and do as much as you possibly can but unless that person themselves admit they have a problem or wants help nothing you do will help. That has been my experience. Alcoholism and other addictions can ruin lives and not just the people themselves. I hope it all works out for you OP and you and your wife get the help you both need.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I had a similar experience to you OP; tried for years to be supportive and help him but he never admitted he had a problem. I wanted a life and a family and he wasn’t willing to give up the drink for that, so we separated. I do feel for you but as the others have said, if the person won’t help themselves or refuse to admit there is a problem, then there is nothing you can do. You have the make the best decision for you, and I wish you all the best.

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