FabSwingers.com: Louise (50) , Woman in Lichfield , West Midlands, UK

* Only meet from fabswingers not other sites you may find my username on and follow me. *

Hi and thank you for visiting me, please have a read of my profile, this will save my time and yours. I know it’s long but it’s also funny x

1. Attach a recent and clear face pic to prevent me from deleting your ass unread, not a 2018 wearing sunglasses, a hat and standing 500’ from the camera. I don’t care what’s in your message, what the headline is or how close you are, if there isn’t a pic attached I’ll just delete it every time

2. Don’t attach a cock pic, this makes you look extremely stupid, look around you, they all look the same. Also if you have a pic of your cock on your profile with a sky remote next to it presume you’re not for me.

3. Be local, I have enough trouble getting guys to show up who live in the next street so messaging me to tell me I’m amazing from 100 miles away will get you deleted, I’m not chasing compliments, I honestly don’t care if you like me or not.

4. “Want to chat” when you’re the other end of the country = please talk dirty so I can wank…..move on.

5. “Hey I’m local, let’s meet “ when you look like you live under a bridge is only going to end one way and it’s not going to be with me getting undressed.

6. Contact Moonpig, I simply don’t care if it’s your birthday.

7. Calling me a bitch, saying I’m rude or something similar because I deleted your messages or said “no” is funny, this makes me laugh and gives me a warm feeling inside and shows how desperate you are for my attention.

8. I’m not trip advisor so asking me for feedback is only going to end in tears for you.

9. “I know you, I saw you yesterday, we spoke before, do you remember me, hey stranger, it’s been a while, long time no speak, were you in Asda yesterday, I’m in your area, I’m your way on business next week,” Isn’t going to work, you just made yourself look a knob, plus I’m not that gullible and will have me shouting over to my husband “I’ve got another twat here who says he knows us from Tesco and a guy in a hoodie in the area on business next month away” this is when he mumbles “block the twat”.

10. Presume I’m fine, no that’s not wine, no I don’t want to borrow your husband, no I don’t want to see your cock and no I don’t want to watch you on cam.

11. If you send me your number saying “wuu2 bay, you is lush” I will presume you’re currently having a stroke and need medical attention, I’ll also pass your number on to the next 10 guys who want phone sex so don’t complain when Bill and Bigcockfrank75 call you and start heavy breathing 15 times an hour.

12. Stop putting hmmm, mmmm, he he, ha ha at the end of your message, “I want to fuck you mmm” makes you sound like Benny Hill and “I want to fuck you he he” is just plain creepy.

13. Remember attraction is my choice, never ever yours.

14. If you’re upset I don’t reply…I don’t care, I can’t stress enough how insignificant your good opinion of me is, simply move on, it’s not rude to not reply, it is rude to keep messaging when I’m obviously deleting you because I don’t like you.

15. If I delete your first message, the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th etc are not going to help you, you still look the same.

16. I don’t do cyber, if you’re talking to a girl who’s into cyber, chances are excellent that girl is called Dave.

17. Telling me what you want to do to me is boring, all you will have achieved is making me throw up in my mouth a little and put me off my breakfast.

18. Yes I’m a bitch, even the devil says “oh shit she’s awake” when I get up.

19. Yes I’m bisexual-putting that out there on the rare chance it’s not only me that’s real on here. (Fems you’re worse than the guys)

20. No I won’t meet you alone, no fun for me, I like more than one guy

21. Groups-yes please, if you want a quick blow job in the back of a car that girl went a while ago.

22. “Can I ask you a question?” ….nope

23. Things I don’t want to do with you, watch you wank, talk on SC or Skype and I don’t care if WhatsApp is easier for you.

24 “Please give me a chance, I have a wonderful personality, I’m a laugh, but I really like you” is not going to help you, I’m shallow, I’m looking for looks and body, if you think that’s harsh you’re on the wrong site.

25 Telling me I’m not your type and I have a big ass after I said no to your “omg I want you bad” message makes you look 12 and makes me laugh at you, out loud and for real.

26 “I wish I was closer” well you’re not so don’t send a pointless message

27 “male half here, my wife is just out, at work, in bed, not around, would you meet me?” Get divorced and find a new wife…”female half here, will you let my husband meet you without me?”…..my mother didn’t raise stupid children, if you honestly find a female that falls for that she needs special help and attention from trained people.

28 “I don’t want a reply etc I just wanted to say you look great”…..five minutes later…”not your type?? Why no reply??”

29 If your first message to me is meant as an insult then please understand I won’t care in the slightest , if in doubt please see item 14 on my list, this will honestly make me laugh and I guarantee you will fall into this category, you will be borderline ugly, not ugly but borderline, you won’t ever have been good with girls, at least one of your pics will feature you in a high vis jacket or posing at a gym in grey pants looking like you need a shit, you will live in a rented flat, you will have one or less veri that will have come from Tracy on “the estate” and you will usually be found window shopping in the bargain section of fabs, I however will have taken great joy from your message, in my mind you have walked into Mercedes and saw that new AMG that you want so so badly, realising you simply fall short in every way you will have left the dealership slating the Mercedes AMG and trying to convince yourself you never wanted it and it has terrible wheels. Consider this a teachable moment, it’s obvious it’s my attention you seek, unfortunately no one will remember you.

30. “Is this your first time on a swinging site? I can help you, do you want to discuss any kind of fantasy with me?”…are you all programmed to ask the same shit?? I’ve been here for 8 years, this is my 4th account and do I look fucking shy???

31 “Have to say I didn’t read your profile but would you b”. …..guess what I did

32. “Do you like a man in uniform?” What a dumb ass question, if you’re ugly, clothes ain’t going to save you?? You didn’t suddenly look different did you??

33. If I ask for something in particular on my status don’t waste my time messaging me to say “I wish I was…” or “it’s a pity I’m not…” if I’m asking for a certain age range why the fuck message and say “yea I’m not that age but….” You just make yourself look a knob.

34. I will squeeze your bollocks with the same pressure as you squeeze my tits so guess which one of us will be doubled over in pain first?

oh and to Sydney University and its partners…..crack on guys, I don’t give a shit.

Love and kisses

Lou x

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