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Joke time

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By *emo and Holly OP   Couple
over a year ago

neath

2 packets of crisps walking down the road, it was pouring with rain and windy, a car pulled up and said ' hey you two, would you like a lift'

'No thanks' they said ' We're Walkers'

Well it made me laugh xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

why cant miss piggy count to 70 ?

Because when she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"why cant miss piggy count to 70 ?

Because when she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat "

nice 1 cj like it

u r 1 of them egg heads aren't u

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

That was rude ... disgusting .. eating a frog .. what ever next

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's a yokel ? ........ A middle of an eggle ! ... Was in the 1981 tiswas annual and always made me laugh he he

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on."

She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6.." He thanked her and continued playing golf.

On the back nine he got lost again.

He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on." She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13." Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.

When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living.

"I'm in sales."

He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?"

She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised..

She said, "I sell tampons".

He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.

She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh".

He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper. I'm still one hole behind you."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

An old soldier goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor. She says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from that which you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old soldier obeys and says,"99".

The doctor says, "Great". Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99'."

Again, the old soldier says, '99'."

The doctor said, "Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old soldier begins, "One ... Two ... Three" ...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of 25 warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mam,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I love wanking with a dead arm.

Everyone else at my Nans funeral was livid

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked

her husband to describe her.He looked at her for a while ... then said,

"You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ... "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, and Hot".

She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.

"Morning!" he said.

The other man replies, "No, just having a shit."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My wife caught me wanking.

She said, "You make me feel sick."

I said, "The alternative is for us to have sex."

She said, "Sorry to disturb you, carry on."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the

doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed, ' she replied..

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don ' t have any milk.'

I know, 'she said, 'I'm his Grandma,

But I'm glad I came'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

what has 20 legs and 4 teeth?....a queue of crack head's in a chemist waiting for there methodome

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was walking down the road when I saw a woman holding a placard that read;

"Women are not just sexual objects - Honk if you agree!"

So I squeezed one of her tits and said, "Honk."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's pink and hard ? A pig with a flick knife!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A little boy walked in on his father shagging his mother, his father laughed. later on that day the father walked in on the little boy shagging his granny, the little boy said "its not so fucking funny when it's your mother is it"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

An old couple were in bed, the old man went down to lick his wife out, whilst down there he said to his wife " god it's smelling down here" she replied "it's my arthritis" he said "what!! in your fanny?" she replied " no my hand, i aint been able to wipe my ass for weeks"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

what do you call a man and a woman who go fishing?...rod and anette

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A man was driving home after being out drinking. He was stopped be a police man who asked him where he was going ?

He replied, Im going to attend a lecture on the morrals of drinking and their affects on relationshps.

The police man asked who is the speaker at the lecture ?

The man replied....My wife !

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A cucumber, an onion and a penis were chatting about life...cucumber says"when I get big and hard they chop me up and toss me in a salad"

Onion says " you got it easy, when I get big and hard they skin me and drown me in vinegar!"

Penis looks aghast and says " that's nothing, when I get big and hard, they put a plastic bag over my head, shove me in a small warm damp cave and keep banging my head til I throw up and faint!"

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By *ikeriderMan
over a year ago

prestatyn

I just found £20 hanging from my ceiling.

It was a suicide note.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

i took a viagra the other night it got stuck in my froat....i had a stiff neck all evening

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

a husband and wife were in bed, the wife said to her husband "do you want me to slip in to something to make you happy" he replied " yeah slip in to a coma"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite.”

At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food.”

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No thanks," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "Do you mind if I get up? I'm starving.”

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When I was younger I found an old lamp and rubbed it , a genie popped put and said " I grant u 1 wish , you can either have a long cock or a long memory " for the life I can't remember what I picked

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 18/03/12 23:01:11]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone."Morning!" he said.The other man replies, "No, just having a shit."

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By *reenmbMan
over a year ago

Gwent

Its a bit gross.....

Two cowboys having a bet in a bar

1st one. Bet you 10 dollars and a bottle of whiskey you can't drink the contents of the caption

2nd one. You are on

He went to the overflowing spitoon and picked it up some of the contents spilling over his hand. Raising it up he started to drink.

Stop! Stop! Shouted the first cowboy but the second one carried on

When he finished he put the spitoon down.

The first cowboy said. Oh my god you didn't have to drink it all. I would have paid you.

The second cowboys looked at him and said. I couldn't stop it was one lump....

Sorry I ddid warn you...

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