FabSwingers.com forum: Puns and silly jokes

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

My partner asked me what an innuendo was.

So I gave her one

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ite -meWoman
over a year ago

my house

Your profile says your single.....

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *nique_GymMan
over a year ago

Cardiff

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sips it and sets it down. A monkey swings across the bar and pisses in the pint.

??The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies, "The piano player".

The man walks over to the piano player and says "Do you know your monkey pissed in my beer?"

??The pianist replies, "No, but if you hum it I'll try and play it."

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ifty69Man
over a year ago

north tyneside

Definition of Geordie forplay.

‘Brace ya self pet’

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Really??

It’s a joke!!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *shrop_cpleCouple
over a year ago

Ceredigion

q. whats blue and stinks?

a. a dead girl guide!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Man goes into a bar as asks the barman for a free pint if he shows him something amazing.

He then takes a tiny piano and a little man and places them on the bar. The tiny man proceeds to play the piano.

The barman pulls his pint and asks where he got it.

The man says he got it from a genie in a lamp.

The barman says if he can get a wish, the man can have free drinks for life.

The man agreed and gave the barman a magic lamp to rub. The barman rubs the lamp, the genie appears and grants him one wish (only one, this isn't a fairy tale)

The barman makes his wish... the genie vanishes and the bar is overrun with dogs. The barman is furious "U wanted a million pounds, not a million hounds" he shouts at the man over all the barking dogs.

The man replied yes, the genie is a bit deaf. Did you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ilthyfucks69Couple
over a year ago

Neverland

Lost my job today, I used to work at the post office.

A lady came in and asked me to check her balance, as the customer is always right I did and pushed her. Of course she fell over and got cross, turned out she didn't have good balance

Mrs

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Lost my job today, I used to work at the post office.

A lady came in and asked me to check her balance, as the customer is always right I did and pushed her. Of course she fell over and got cross, turned out she didn't have good balance

Mrs"

I was literally just about to put a similar joke in

Now I have to think of a different one

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *efByOrgasmsMan
over a year ago

Heads of the Valleys

Man walks into a bar

He said ouch lol

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ilthyfucks69Couple
over a year ago

Neverland

"Lost my job today, I used to work at the post office.

A lady came in and asked me to check her balance, as the customer is always right I did and pushed her. Of course she fell over and got cross, turned out she didn't have good balance

Mrs

I was literally just about to put a similar joke in

Now I have to think of a different one "

Great minds, good luck with a new one

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Three man are crossing the desert when their Land Rover breaks down. They each agree to take one item and proceed on foot.

The English man takes the water so if he dehydrates he can drink.

The Scotsman takes sun screen so he doesn't burn in the sun

The Irish man takes the door off the Land Rover so if he gets hot he can wind the window down

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

My wife (no I don’t have one - it’s for the joke) told me I was being too immature.

So I told her to get out of my den

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *emon DelightMan
over a year ago

South Wales

My ex-wife still misses me... but her aim is steadily improving

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *hil_u_upMan
over a year ago

swansea

What do the Welsh call four sheep tied to a lamppost?

A leisure centre.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *urgen666Man
over a year ago

bridgend

Banana and vibrator sat on a shelf. Banana says don’t know why you’re shaking I’m the one they eat

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *thwalescplCouple
over a year ago

brecon

Two fish in a tank, first one turns to the second and says "you drive, I'll fire the big gun!"

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *thwalescplCouple
over a year ago

brecon

Blond lady walking down the river bank, looking for a bridge.

She sees another blond on the other far bank, and calls over "How do I get to the other side?"

Second blond looks over, and says "You are already on the other side!"

First blond says "Oh, great, thanks!"

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *thwalescplCouple
over a year ago

brecon

Just found out that the guy who first invented beach footwear was called Fillip Folop.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef! "

I like that one as much as I like your profile pic

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef!

I like that one as much as I like your profile pic

Oh! Thank you

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ve 63Woman
over a year ago

Newbridge

Had a dream last night i was chopping up carrots with the Grim Reaper... I was dicing with death

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *thwalescplCouple
over a year ago

brecon

Went hiking and wandered into a village on the other side of the mountain.

Met a guy who decided to give me a guided tour.

Went passed the church, he proudly told me he had rebuilt the tower after it got struck by lightening...just as we were leaving the vicar said "hello Dai goat".

Walked passed the pub, he proudly pointed out the extension he built for the, just as the Landlord came out and said "Hiya Dai goat".

This went on, at the bridge he helped build, the school, the little doctors surgery, and always someone passing who would say "Hiya Dai goat".

In the end I had to ask about it... and he went off on a rant.

"I built the tower, but they don't call me Dai Church"

"Build the school, but they don't call me Dai School"

"But you fuck one goat.... just one....!"

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By * and R cple4Couple
over a year ago

swansea

Irish man an English man and a welsh man all standing outside a rich mans swimming pool he said to them any man that can swim across this pool full of my special Piranhas gets the choice of one of my bits of cunts on the other side of the pool.Full of courage the English man dives in at the sight of the stunning wife’s on the other side he gets halfway then gets eaten .......undeterred by this and banking on his luck the Irish man dives in gets three quarters of the way and is eaten the man turns to his butler and says no one will do this everyone will be eaten ...just as he turns back he sees the welsh man covered in bites clawing himself out of the pool then the man said to him I stick to my word you get to pick any bit of cunt here to which the welsh man replies I want the cunt who pushed me in ....

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ve 63Woman
over a year ago

Newbridge

Did u hear about the claustrophobic astronaut

He needed a little space

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

These are getting better and better.

Please keep them cumming ...... oops ...... coming

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *rLittleWelshCumSlutWoman
over a year ago

newport

What do you call a man with no shins?.... Tony! X

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *efByOrgasmsMan
over a year ago

Heads of the Valleys

What you called a cheap circumcision?

A rip off

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

What do you call a man with a spade on his head??

Doug

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 28/07/19 00:11:42]

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *wanzukCouple
over a year ago

swansea

What do you call a Welshman with 4 prostitutes ?

Pedwar pimp !

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

BNAG.......

That’s bang out of order

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *thwalescplCouple
over a year ago

brecon

I am terrible at maths.

One day I got into a lift, and decided to pass the time on the way up, to practice my maths by adding up the button numbers.... I was wrong on so many levels.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I am terrible at maths.

One day I got into a lift, and decided to pass the time on the way up, to practice my maths by adding up the button numbers.... I was wrong on so many levels.

Hahaha

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I went to the doctors because I had 5 penises.

Doctor said “how do your pants fit you?”

Me: “Like a glove”

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Man goes into a bar as asks the barman for a free pint if he shows him something amazing.

He then takes a tiny piano and a little man and places them on the bar. The tiny man proceeds to play the piano.

The barman pulls his pint and asks where he got it.

The man says he got it from a genie in a lamp.

The barman says if he can get a wish, the man can have free drinks for life.

The man agreed and gave the barman a magic lamp to rub. The barman rubs the lamp, the genie appears and grants him one wish (only one, this isn't a fairy tale)

The man replied yes, the genie is a bit deaf. Did you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

In my family I'm the youngest of three. Both my parents are older...

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Look, I really love my step ladder, but I really think it's time I searched for my real one.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Went to the park the other day and ended up watching a dad and his some throwing a frisbee. I wondered why the frisbee looked bigger the closer it got...then it hit me.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Went to the park the other day and ended up watching a dad and his some throwing a frisbee. I wondered why the frisbee looked bigger the closer it got...then it hit me."

Omg nooooo lol youve found the Joke thread.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *exi_LexiTV/TS
over a year ago

caerphilly

Little boy takes a bath with his mother points at her tits and ask her wot are they

She replies by saying they are balloons son so when I die I can float on up to heaven

A couple days go by and the little boys runs to his dad, dad I think mam is dying so dad says wot makes u say that son

Boy replies by saying mam is on the floor with her balloons out and the postman is trying to blow them up and she's shouting God I'm coming

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

people accuse me of having no ambition but it's bullshit

if ambition was an Olympic event that bronze medal would be mine for sure

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When I was in hospital I was bed bound so the nurse have me a bottle to wee in. I thought, "well, this really takes the piss!"

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Lost my job today, I used to work at the post office.

A lady came in and asked me to check her balance, as the customer is always right I did and pushed her. Of course she fell over and got cross, turned out she didn't have good balance

Mrs"

part of joke is excellent :"check my balance- so she pushed me".. original

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I now get up an hour earlier so I can hate my ex-wife even longer

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

To the person who stole my antidepressant tablets :

I hope you're happy now!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

If I told you once, I told you a million times not to exaggerate

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

What are there no aspirins in the jungle?

Because the PARROTS ATE THEM ALL

(paracetamol)

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I asked google who hit the first ever tennis ball at Wimbledon.

Google came back with "server cannot be found"

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?

Wi’ jammin

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do we want "the right to silence".

When do we want it?.

"......................................."

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *shrop_cpleCouple
over a year ago

Ceredigion

i'm a liar - and that's the truth!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *shrop_cpleCouple
over a year ago

Ceredigion

Irishman goes into a doctors with a frog on his head. Doctor says "where did you get that?". The frog says " it started with a boil on me arse!"

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ce_and_fireCouple
over a year ago

over the rainbow

Prince charming wanted to fuck snow White and the dwarfs ask

'can we watch'

'No you can't' he replies and kicks them out the door.

Once outside Doc looks up and seeing the light inlet above the door he says

'Right lads get on each others shoulders the one on top tells us what's going on and pass it down'

So they all get up and Dopey is on top.

'OK Dopey just say what you see nothing more' said Doc.

So Dopey peers through the inlet and his eyes balloon wide as he sees Prince Charming kissing Snow White.

And he starts and it's passed down.

'Hes kissing her

He's kissing her

He's kissing her.

Oh he's undressing her

He's undressing her

He's undressing her.

Oh their naked

Thier naked

Oh he's put his cock in

He's put his cock in

Oh their fucking doggy

Thier fucking doggy

Now while Prince Charming is banging away and the Dwarfs can hear Snow White howling and screaming with pleasure he looks up and can see Dopeys big wide eyes peering through the inlet.

So he gets off and runs towards the door in a raging temper,

And Dopey seeing him coming towards the door yells

'oh fuck oh fuck he's coming he's coming'

And I am

And i am

And I am

And I am.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My three favourite things are eating my family and never using punctuation

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"My three favourite things are eating my family and never using punctuation "

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My wife once ate a dozen Kinder eggs.

she was full of surprises

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How do you make hormone?

Refuse to pay her...

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Paddy and Mick, sitting in a restaurant, eating their packed lunches.

Waitress come over and says “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here”.

So, they swapped...

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's your favourite machine at the gym?.

"the vending machine" (Jo Brand)

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Whats the first thing I look for in a woman..

Her purse

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You can lead a horse to water but a pencil must be lead

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I went window shopping today.. I bought four Windows!

Tommy Cooper

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've just read a book about the Stockholm Syndrome ..in the end I really liked it..

Ken Dodd.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I used to think I was marvelous in bed until I discovered all my girlfriends suffered from asthma.

Ken Dodd.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

one armed waiters, they can take it but they can't dish it out

I saw a baguette in a cage at the zoo the other day , the zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A man driving down a country lane runs over a cockerel so he goes to the local farmer and says "I'm sorry can I replace your cockerel". the farmer says "suit yourself ,the hens round the back" !

Barry Cryer.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A couple driving home run over a badger.....they get out and find it's still breathing but freezing cold.

Husband says "put it between your legs and warm it up".

Wife replies "but it's all wet and it stinks".

Husband replies "well hold the badgers fucking nose then"

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

To the childish twat who stole my glasses, I'll find you!

I have contacts.

Two parrots sat on a perch, one turns to the other and asks "Can you smell fish"?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ossnsecretaryCouple
over a year ago

Epsom

All the ships in Norway now need to have a bar code painted on the bow

This is so that when the fleet enters port they can scan de Navy in

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Went to the doctors as I was hearing voices from my leg.

My knee was asking for five pounds, my shin was asking for ten pounds and my ankle was asking for twenty pounds.

It turns out my leg was broke in three places.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Man goes into a bar as asks the barman for a free pint if he shows him something amazing.

He then takes a tiny piano and a little man and places them on the bar. The tiny man proceeds to play the piano.

The barman pulls his pint and asks where he got it.

The man says he got it from a genie in a lamp.

The barman says if he can get a wish, the man can have free drinks for life.

The man agreed and gave the barman a magic lamp to rub. The barman rubs the lamp, the genie appears and grants him one wish (only one, this isn't a fairy tale)

The man replied yes, the genie is a bit deaf. Did you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ackieSteveCouple
over a year ago

Newbridge

3 men broke into my house the other night, I managed to knock 1 out, it was quite awkward with them looking at me though.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ORDERMANMan
over a year ago

wrexham

Guy goes to doctor says says I've broken my leg in numerous places...

Doctor says show me.. So the guy touches his thigh.. Ouch.. His knee ouch. His shin ouch...

Interesting says the doctor... He know touches the guy in all the same places guy doesn't flicker at all.

Doctor says I solved the problem you haven't broken your leg it's your finger you've broken

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"My ex-wife still misses me... but her aim is steadily improving

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *elsh tv fancierMan
over a year ago

Cardiiff

Two flies on a piece of shit, one farts and the other replies do you mind, I'm eating my dinner.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My three favourite things are

eating my family

and not using punctuation

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do we want.. hearing aids ...

when do we want them..

hearing aids

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I over dosed on Viagra once... it was the hardest day of my life!!!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *er moroderMan
over a year ago

Holyhead

What's the stupidest animal in the jungle?

The polar bear

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just heard on the news a baby has been born with 5 willies.....apparently his nappy fits like a glove...

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ales lookingMan
over a year ago

gwynedd

Just walked out of my job at the helium factory.Nobody talks to me in that tone of voice

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *shrop_cpleCouple
over a year ago

Ceredigion

Q. What is orange and silly?

A. A Liberal Democrat supporter who thinks the party believes in DEMOCRACY!

Q. What is green and silly?

A. A Green Party supporter who thinks the party believes in DEMOCRACY!

Q. What is green/white/red and silly?

A. A Plaid Cymru supporter who thinks the party believes in DEMOCRACY!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman,

'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'

The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed.

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub.

Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.

The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'

The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties.'

The rabbit looks aghast.

The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says,

'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'

The crowd's bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.

The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'

'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.

He then waves to the crowd and leaves....

NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.

The barman says, 'Who are you?

To which he is answered,

'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'

The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.

You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'

The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'

The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'

The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.'

The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'

'I DIED', said the rabbit.

'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'

After a short pause, the rabbit said ...

'Mixin-me-toasties

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *lutandhubbyCouple
over a year ago

west midlands

My wife died three years ago when a delivery driver for Heinz ran a red light and ploughed into her car.

Since that day, I've never been able to eat that particular brand of soup. It just dribbles out the sides of my grin...

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *shrop_cpleCouple
over a year ago

Ceredigion

Q. Why does it take 6 Jo Swinson's to change a light bulb?

A. BECAUSE IT JUST BLOODY WELL DOES!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ORDERMANMan
over a year ago

wrexham

So imagine the scene...

Adam is lying back in the grass, hands behind his head feeling quite smug and proud of himself having made love with eve for the first time...

All of a sudden the heavens darken over a shaft of light beams down upon Adam and God's voice bellows down...

"Adam what have you been doing.?"

"well God" replied Adam "I've just had sex with eve for the first time"

"And" enquired god...

"well it's not bad, kinda like it, in fact I think it'll catch on, actually I can't really wait to do it again"

"good" gods voice bellows proudly "I thought it'll be something you and eve would enjoy" "by the way where is eve ?" asked God..

"oh she's down in the river washing herself off" replied adam

"SHIT" shouts god "I'll never get the smell off the fish now"

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *shrop_cpleCouple
over a year ago

Ceredigion

"So imagine the scene...

Adam is lying back in the grass, hands behind his head feeling quite smug and proud of himself having made love with eve for the first time...

All of a sudden the heavens darken over a shaft of light beams down upon Adam and God's voice bellows down...

"Adam what have you been doing.?"

"well God" replied Adam "I've just had sex with eve for the first time"

"And" enquired god...

"well it's not bad, kinda like it, in fact I think it'll catch on, actually I can't really wait to do it again"

"good" gods voice bellows proudly "I thought it'll be something you and eve would enjoy" "by the way where is eve ?" asked God..

"oh she's down in the river washing herself off" replied adam

"SHIT" shouts god "I'll never get the smell off the fish now" "

In a similar vein...

Q. Why do women have legs?

A. So they dont leave a trail like a slug when they move about!

(ducks to dodge projectiles!)

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ORDERMANMan
over a year ago

wrexham

Prefer the line..

"seen the mess snails leave"

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

1, if it really wants to change

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *lutandhubbyCouple
over a year ago

west midlands

My neighbour is always having a dig about my weight.

Today he said "How come your such a fat bastard?".

I said "Because every time i fuck your wife, she gives me a chocolate biscuit

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ORDERMANMan
over a year ago

wrexham

Guy takes his van to the local garage for some repairs, mechanic tells him going to be a good few hours before it's ready for collection.. Guy says not a problem I easily walk home from here give us a call when it's ready for collection..

So on the way home he realises he needs a few things so pops into his local hardware store picks up a bucket and a tin of paint, passing the butchers he goes in to collect a goose and 2 chickens he's ordered..

So outside he's now struggling to carry everything, when he's approached by a nun who informs him she's lost and looking for church street, actually I live very close by and am heading home now, more than willing to show you the way but I'm struggling to carry all this stuff, the nun said that's very kind of you, if I can suggest why don't you put the pot of paint in the bucket hold that in one hand, hold the goose in the other and put the chickens under your arms that might be easier...

He follows her instructions and sets off with the nun in the direction of church street, half way there he says if you follow me down this alley it's a good short cut, the nun says I'm not going down there with you, how do I know half way down you're not going to pin me against the wall, pull up cassock, rip my underwear off and have your wicked way with me... Jesus woman I'm carrying a pot of paint a bucket a goose and 2 chickens how the hell am I going to pin you against the wall. The nun replied well put the goose down cover it with the bucket. With the paint pot on top and I'll hold the 2 chickens......!!!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

From the list below what's the odd one out?

A woman

A dishwasher

An oven

A fridge...

.....

An oven, because the rest leak when they're fucked...

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I haven't spoken to my wife in 20 years...

I don't like to interrupt

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ony 2016Man
over a year ago

Huddersfield /derby cinemas

Before Liverpool's game against Atletico Madrid this week in The Champions League ,they are covering The Anfield pitch in sand and pebbles ,because they have to win on aggregate

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *oby le roneMan
over a year ago

Treorchy

What’s the difference between a Chick pea and a lentil?

I’v never had a lentil on my face

Boom boom

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *er moroderMan
over a year ago

Holyhead

What did the schizophrenic cheese say?

Halloumi!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

Post new Message to Thread