FabSwingers.com forum: Funniest joke you've heard?!

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

So I was watching Jimmy Carr the other day and someone sent in a joke to one of his sections and it had me in stitches! The joke went like this;

What's the difference between 3 cocks and a joke?!? Your mum can't take a joke!

I thought that was a bloody great joke! Lol what's the funniest joke you've heard then people?! X

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By *igjrvMan
over a year ago

blackwood

Why did the deaf dumb and blind woman's dog commit suicide? Wouldn't you with a name like thumpthlumpthus

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Why did the deaf dumb and blind woman's dog commit suicide? Wouldn't you with a name like thumpthlumpthus "

Nope I don't find this funny

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Tough crowd tonight lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

1st guy: my wife has grown a small penis after taking steroids.

2nd guy: Anabolic?

1st guy: no, just a small penis.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My sister bet me I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti. Shoulda seen her face when I drove pasta.

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By *ay rickMan
over a year ago

cardiff

3 wives chatting about animal names they give they're husbands---1st say mines a lion-he's wild and rough in bed!!!---2nd says mines a tiger-big strong and rips my clothes off!!--3rd says I call mine Pand!!--HE EATS SHOOTS N LEAVES!!!!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"My sister bet me I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti. Shoulda seen her face when I drove pasta."

Aww mun

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How many male chauvinist pigs does it take to clean a shit house?

None......it's women's work.

(RUNS FOR COVER BACK NORTH OF THE BORDER)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"My sister bet me I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti. Shoulda seen her face when I drove pasta."

I love it.

Here's one.

Class of yr5 children are all listening to the teacher about words.

Teacher. "Right today's word of the day is contagious! Who can give me a example with the word in?"

Little Sally the class swot throws her hand up.

"Miss, my mother said she has the flu and is very contagious!!"

The teacher smiles and looks around.

"Anyone else?"

Little Jimmy raises his hand.

"Miss I know one!"

Teacher sighs and knows this is going to be trouble.

"OK Jimmy, let's have it."

Jimmy proudly speaks up."

"Me dad started to dig a huge hole in the garden!!"

Teacher frowns and asked.

"How is that relate to today's word?

Jimmy smiles. " Cause my mom says it going to take that contagious!!!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"My sister bet me I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti. Shoulda seen her face when I drove pasta.

I love it.

Here's one.

Class of yr5 children are all listening to the teacher about words.

Teacher. "Right today's word of the day is contagious! Who can give me a example with the word in?"

Little Sally the class swot throws her hand up.

"Miss, my mother said she has the flu and is very contagious!!"

The teacher smiles and looks around.

"Anyone else?"

Little Jimmy raises his hand.

"Miss I know one!"

Teacher sighs and knows this is going to be trouble.

"OK Jimmy, let's have it."

Jimmy proudly speaks up."

"Me dad started to dig a huge hole in the garden!!"

Teacher frowns and asked.

"How is that relate to today's word?

Jimmy smiles. " Cause my mom says it going to take that contagious!!!""

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By *illm...Couple
over a year ago

cardiff

I know a joke that is so funny it would make your tit's fall off..... but some of the ladies have heard it lol.

i'll get my coat....

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By *illm...Couple
over a year ago

cardiff

my dad keeps on at me to take out a doner card....he's a man after my own heart....

I know I said I'll get my coat.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The new £5 note is supposed to last longer....

I bought a sandwich, drink, crisps and a bar of chocolate, didn't last longer than the old ones....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I sold my hoover the other day it was just in the corner collecting dust.

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By *eswillMan
over a year ago

Chepstow

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!"

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.

"What the Hell is this??" as a little dust cloud appeared when he shook them out.

He asked, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

She replied."It not talcum powder... It is 'Miracle Grow'"

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By *at N mouseCouple
over a year ago

Pontypridd

A boy asks his dad, “What’s the difference between potential and realistic?” The dad tells him to go ask the rest of his family if they’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then he’d tell him the answer. The boy goes up to his mom and asks her. She responds, “A million dollars is a lot of money sweetheart. I could send you, your sister, and your brother to great colleges, so sure, I would!” He then goes and asks his sister to which she replies, “Brad Pitt? Hell ya, he’s the hottest guy ever!” Next, the boy asks his brother who replies, “A million dollars? Hell yes I would. I’d be rich!” When the boy excitedly returns to his dad with the family’s responses, the dad says, “Well son, potentially, we have three million dollars. Realistically, we have two sluts and a queer.”

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By *igjrvMan
over a year ago

blackwood

A man walks into a bar with a pork pie cellotaped to his forehead.

The barman asks."why do you have a pork pie cellotaped to your forehead"?

The man says "oh i do this every friday"

The barman, says " but it's Thursday today"

Man says "oh I must look a right twat"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Bought a gold fish at the pet shop and the assistant asked if I wanted Aquarium....... I said I didn't care what star sign it was

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By *thwalescplCouple
over a year ago

brecon

Two birds sat on a perch, and the one turns to the other and says " can you smell fish?"

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By *wjadMan
over a year ago

Port talbot

I love shagging old women, you just lay there and let the parkingsons do their thing..

Stolen from brickleberry

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By *wjadMan
over a year ago

Port talbot

A man and a giraffe walk into a bar and after a few hours of heavy drinking the giraffe collapses so the man decides to leave when the bar man says oi you can't leave that lying there to which the man replys nah mate that's not a lion that's a giraffe

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A man and a giraffe walk into a bar and after a few hours of heavy drinking the giraffe collapses so the man decides to leave when the bar man says oi you can't leave that lying there to which the man replys nah mate that's not a lion that's a giraffe "

That is so utterly shit that it's funny as fuck

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Two birds sat on a perch, and the one turns to the other and says " can you smell fish?"

Two fish in a tank

One says to the other....

I can't drive this

Boom tish

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By *wjadMan
over a year ago

Port talbot

Haha I know stolen off a film too!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A man walks into a pet shop and asks the shopkeeper if he can buy a wasp. "We don't sell wasps." the shopkeeper responds. The man says, "Well you've got one in the window."

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By *urgen666Man
over a year ago

bridgend

A vibrator and a banana were sat on a shelf.

Banana says I don't know why your shaking, I'm the one they eat.

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By *ax-BangingMan
over a year ago

town

Why did humpty dumpty push his misses off the wall....to see her crack

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A Roman walks into a bar and holds up two fingers. ... "Five beers please"

.....

Wait for it.... There it is..the penny drops...

Dave

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A Roman walks into a bar and holds up two fingers. ... "Five beers please"

.....

Wait for it.... There it is..the penny drops...

Dave

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Little timmy was in the bath with his mum and asks "what's that mum?"

His mum replies " it's my hedgehog"

"ahh nans got one of them" he says

"But hers has been run over because it's guts are hanging out"

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By *alleycplCouple
over a year ago

gobblers knob

"A boy asks his dad, “What’s the difference between potential and realistic?” The dad tells him to go ask the rest of his family if they’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then he’d tell him the answer. The boy goes up to his mom and asks her. She responds, “A million dollars is a lot of money sweetheart. I could send you, your sister, and your brother to great colleges, so sure, I would!” He then goes and asks his sister to which she replies, “Brad Pitt? Hell ya, he’s the hottest guy ever!” Next, the boy asks his brother who replies, “A million dollars? Hell yes I would. I’d be rich!” When the boy excitedly returns to his dad with the family’s responses, the dad says, “Well son, potentially, we have three million dollars. Realistically, we have two sluts and a queer.”"
fantastic

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's the difference between a bj and anal sex?

A blow job makes your day....anal makes your hole weak!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

An American was stuck on a highway in traffic for over an hour ,he's getting more and more fed up when he spots a cop walking up the line of cars having a short conversation with the drivers ,when he gets to his car he asks the Cop what the hold up is.

The cop replies " some terrorists have hijacked Donald Trump's car up ahead and they're holding him hostage. They're demanding a million dollars to release him or they're gonna douse him in petrol and set him on fire so we're asking each driver for a donation.

What's everybody giving ? Asks the driver

About half a gallon each says the cop! !!@!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What's the difference between a bj and anal sex?

A blow job makes your day....anal makes your hole weak!!! "

Winner!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"An American was stuck on a highway in traffic for over an hour ,he's getting more and more fed up when he spots a cop walking up the line of cars having a short conversation with the drivers ,when he gets to his car he asks the Cop what the hold up is.

What's everybody giving ? Asks the driver

About half a gallon each says the cop! !!@!!"

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By *ace2faceCouple
over a year ago

cardiff

Why have women got legs?

Have you seen the mess a slug makes!

What's red and sits in a tree?

A sanitary owl!

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By *onnie and JohnCouple
over a year ago

andover

i saw a midget carrying a plasma tv, and asked if he needed some help. he said, fuk off you prick its a kindle..

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By *jcmjcCouple
over a year ago

Newport

Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel prize?

He was out standing in his field.

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By *iForNowXXMan
over a year ago

Cardiff

What's the difference between your Fab wife and a Ferrari?

You wouldn't let your Fab friends ride your Ferrari.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr.Dre

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Went to the doctors the other day.doctor asks what seems to be the problem?I said well doc my dick seems to be in the shape of a rocket doctor asks well what's does your wife think ? Well she's over the moon ????????

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By *eswillMan
over a year ago

Chepstow

Boy and his dad walking through the park and sees two dogs humping. What are they doing daddy the boy asks? They are making puppies son his dad replied and they walked on thinking no more about it. A few days later the boy wakes up in the middle of the night and goes into his parents room. He sees his mum and dad having sex and says dad what are you doing. His dad replies it's ok son we are making a baby. The boy thought about it and said, could you turn mum over I would rather have a puppy

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why have women got small feet??

So they can get closer to the cooker...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

my dad said your new gf is a keeper.how u know I asked.she smells of elephant shit he replied

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By *ussiesCouple
over a year ago

gwent

A girl released that she had hair growing from between her legs.

She got worried and asked her mother about the hair.

Her mother calmly said

That part where the hair has grown is called monkey

Be proud of your monkey has grown hair.

The girl smiled

At dinner she told her sister

My monkey has grown hair

Her sister smiled and said

That nothing mine is already eating bananas

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My favorite joke is-

Did you hear about the baby boy born with 5 willies ?

His nappy fits like a glove

Still makes me giggle after all these years.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Was browsing ebay last night and bought 6 boxes of tip ex.... Huge mistake!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A friend phoned his mrs from hospital saying he had an accident at work and his finger got cut off, she said OMG the whole finger, he said no love the one next to it.

think that was shite lol

It has recently been discovered that diarrhoea is hereditary, apparently it runs in your jeans.

sorry

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By *eafetyWoman
over a year ago

penarth

Omg I have been nearly crying laughing ... been reading them too my mum too cause she wanted to know what was so funny

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By *ittyandbearCouple
over a year ago

Llanelli

A Welsh man walked past me with a slice of bread on his head. I asked him "what was up with the bread on his head". He said "I have a pen tost"

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By *ingAlMan
over a year ago

hereford

Dick Green was in a church service when had a funny turn, stood up on the pew, dropped his trousers and exposed himself! an old lady says '' Is that Dick Green''? her friend replies '' no its the way the light shines through the stained glass window''

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By *eswillMan
over a year ago

Chepstow

Heard some shit news today. After seven years of medical training and hard work, my mate has been struck off after one minor indiscretion and I think it's ridiculous. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession that he loves. What a waste of his time, training and money. A genuinely nice chap and a brilliant vet...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Ever wondered why they name hurricanes after women.. While they here they wet n wild, when they go.. they take your house and car

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Q. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A. Fsh

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By *nique_GymMan
over a year ago

Cardiff

I went to the butchers the other day and bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

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By *heeky400Man
over a year ago

vale of glam

I went to a fetish restaurant last night.

I got toed in the hole

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"The new £5 note is supposed to last longer....

I bought a sandwich, drink, crisps and a bar of chocolate, didn't last longer than the old ones...."

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By *layfullsamMan
over a year ago

Solihull

On the eve of our anniversary my wife and I agreed that whoever woke up first in the morning should wake the other one with oral sex.

Come the morning I was up first so I slowly pulled back the covers...

... and stuck my cock in her mouth.

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By *heeky400Man
over a year ago

vale of glam

More money is spent on boob jobs & viagra than on alzheimer's research! By 2040 the elderly will have perky tits, stiff cocks & no fucking idea why!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Guy goes to get tattoo on his cock, yes on one side no on the other. Goes home to show his wife, whips his dick out look I got new tattoo.. Wife looks and replies.. you tell me how to clean the house, how to cook, how to do the washing.. now you trying to put words in my mouth prick!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A couple are driving down a country road. The Girlfriend says " I would really love some cock in my mouth" the Boyfriend, distracted, says " OK love" and fumbling, unzips his trousers. The Girlfriend leans over and takes him in her mouth, and the car hits a tree.

The moral of the story, don't play on your phone while your sex crazed girlfiend is driving

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A jewish girl gets married and on the wedding night she's nervous so asks her mother to stay in the adjacent room.

The newly weds go into their room and after 10 minutes the daughter is in with her mother.

"Mother he took me in his arms and kissed me I am so nervous"

The mother replies.

"Daughter you are a wife now. Do your wifely duties. Go back and take off his shirt."

She does. And when she does she finds hair on his chest...she runs to her mother.

"Mother he has hairs on his chest"

"This is normal child he is a man...you are to go and perform your wifely duties...undress him fully"

The daughter goes back to her bew husband and begins to take of his trousers and socks. When she does she is shocked to find he has all the toes missing on his left foot. She cries out and runs to her mother.

"Mother I've taken off his trousers and he has a foot and a half"

The mother leaps out of bed "fucking hell..." she squeals "stay here...this is a job for your mother"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 23/12/16 01:46:37]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two Elephants meet a totally naked guy. After a while one elephant says to the other: “I really don’t get how he can feed himself with that thing!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Little Johnny once bought his Grandma a very nice, luxurious toilet brush for her birthday. But when he went to visit her a couple of weeks later, it wasn't in the bathroom.

Little Johnny asked his Grandma, “Gran, what happened to the toilet brush I gave you?”

“Darling, I'm sorry but I just didn’t like it. It was too scratchy. After all those years, I’ve gotten used to the toilet paper.."

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