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Jokes

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By *thwalescpl OP   Couple
over a year ago

brecon

We haven't had a joke thread for a while, so post your best.

Two dogs in a bar, drinking pints, and a horse walks in and orders a gin and tonic, one dog turns to the other and says "Fuck me, will you look at that, a talking horse!"

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By *thwalescpl OP   Couple
over a year ago

brecon

A dog walks in to the local job center, and goes up to the guy behind the counter and tells him he's looking for a job.

The bloke is very surprised to find a dog talking and applying for jobs.

After a short while, the bloke goes over to the dog and says "The circus is looking for someone with your obvious skills, here's the details, give them a call."

The dog takes the details, and says.... why would the circus be looking for a plumber?

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By *eswillMan
over a year ago

Chepstow

What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A guy will actually search for a golf ball

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By *eswillMan
over a year ago

Chepstow

Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?

He only comes once a year.

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By *icelymarkedplusoneCouple
over a year ago

cardiff

Oh dear, Mart is bored again.

Had a good chuckle though

Then total writers block. Can't think of any jokes.

Just the one about the two old men riding a tandem. A dog came out and threw a bucket of cold water over them.

Sorry

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By *eswillMan
over a year ago

Chepstow

What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?

One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.

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By *eswillMan
over a year ago

Chepstow

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Lick-a-lotta-puss.

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By *ar-Some CoupleCouple
over a year ago

from somewhere glittery & sparkly

Two cannibals are eating a clown. The one says to the other "does this taste funny to you ? "

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By *eswillMan
over a year ago

Chepstow

What do you call the useless piece of skin on a dick?

A man.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Ha ha les you actually made me chuckle with a few of them ha ha

Nice to see some good threads lately x

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By *eswillMan
over a year ago

Chepstow

What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say? "Beat it - we're closed."

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By *estcountry2Couple
over a year ago

somerset

Two budgerigars sat on a perch , one says to the other " can you smell fish ?"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two fish in a tank

One says to the other.... "I can't drive this"!

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By *thwalescpl OP   Couple
over a year ago

brecon

A blonde lady is walking down the side of a river, and sees another blonde across the river.

First blonde says "How do I get over the other side?" to the second... and the second blonde replies "You are on the other side!"

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By *thwalescpl OP   Couple
over a year ago

brecon

Jayne did me a lovely boiled egg for breakfast this morning, with a runny yolk, perfect.

She put it on the table in front of me, and then said "Do you want soldiers?"

"Ffs woman" I replied, "It's only a boiled egg, I think I can handle it without backup!"

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By *ardiff123Man
over a year ago

Cardiff

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

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By *ardiff123Man
over a year ago

Cardiff

In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, "Only take one. God is watching." Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

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By *ardiff123Man
over a year ago

Cardiff

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Went to the zoo yesterday...disappointed...there was only one dog in it. It was a shit zoo.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.""

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Viagra is now available in tea bags, it doesn’t enhance your sexual performance, but it does stop your biscuit going soft.

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By *uned and OwainCouple
over a year ago

near Cardiff

Husband and his wife agreed that anytime they want to have sex, they will call it a PHONE CALL so that the kids will not decode...

One day, the husband sent his son to tell his mother that, "Daddy wants to make a phone call.

Mother replies: Tell your Dad that the Network is down today.

Dad to his son, "Go tell your mother that if there is no Network at

home, I will go to a Public Phone .

Mother tells her son to go and tell his dad, "if he dare go to a public phone, she will open a Call Center at home.

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By *endrix30Man
over a year ago

dudley

You are in the pub when you suddenly realise you need to fart. The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After a couple of songs you start to feel better. As you finish your drink you notice that everyone is staring at you. Then you remember....you're listening to your ipod.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

whats got two legs and bleeds alot?....

half a dog!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

the local police station was broken into and all the toilets were stolen officers are reprted to have nothing to go on

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

whats pink and hard?

pig with a flick knife!

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By *eswillMan
over a year ago

Chepstow

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.

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By * Reason WhyCouple
over a year ago

Newcastle Area

Putting viagra in your coffee is no good for your sex life, but it does stop your biscuits from going soft.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's the definition of confusion - two blind lesbians in a fish market!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's the difference between anal sex & clint Eastwood?

Clint Eastwood will make your day!

Anal sex makes your hole week!

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By *affy11Man
over a year ago

Wales

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”The man says, “All right, all right. I’m *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?”The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.The man demands the key to the stone door.The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”The man is relieved to no end.He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But I can't tell you because you're not a monk.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”The man says, “All right, all right. I’m *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?”The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.The man demands the key to the stone door.The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”The man is relieved to no end.He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But I can't tell you because you're not a monk."

Bloody awesome!!!

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By *lutandhubbyCouple
over a year ago

west midlands

Police raided Kermits lily pad and found 100s of nude pictures of Miss Piggy. They said it was the worst case of frogs porn ever seen

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?’

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A bear and a rabbit were in the woods, squatting whilst doing their business at the designated bush.

The bear turns to the rabbit and says 'Tell me rabbit, do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?'

The rabbit replied 'Hmmm, no, can't say I do.'

So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his arse on him.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

An old Jimmy Carr one, can be divisive/offensive...

How do you make a gay man fuck a woman?

Pack her cunt full of shit.

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By *arleydMan
over a year ago

newport

Why do they put a cock on a weather vane ?

If it was a cunt the wind'd blow straight through it.

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By *eswillMan
over a year ago

Chepstow

My girlfriends dad asked me what I do. Apparently, "your daughter" wasn't the right answer.

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By *eswillMan
over a year ago

Chepstow

Whenever I have a one night stand, I always use protection. A fake name and a fake number.

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By *eswillMan
over a year ago

Chepstow

I'm so old I remember when water was free and you had to pay for porn.

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By *eswillMan
over a year ago

Chepstow

Why do men become smarter during sex? Because they are plugged into a genius.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.""

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By *etsaroundMan
over a year ago

Valley's

[Removed by poster at 10/05/17 23:57:22]

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By *nglishdoodMan
over a year ago

Morristown

A man's not feeling well and goes for a check up.

The doc calls him back in a week later and says' You'd better sit down I have some bad news.'

The guy replies 'Oh shit, what's wrong with me?'

Doc says 'You have a new disease. It's so new we don't have a latin name for it yet, but amongst us doctors we're calling it GASH.'

Oh my god says the man, what is it?

'it's a combination of gonorrhoea, AIDS, syphilis and herpes.'

'Is there any treatment? ' asks the man

'Yes' says the Doctor, 'We're going to put you in a room and feed you Ryvita, cheese slices and pizza'

'Will it cure me?' Asks the man.

'No' replied the doctor... 'It's all we can fit under the fucking door'

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