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Insecurity

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

I am bored witless of my insecurities. How do people deal with them? I am very capable, intelligent, organised, funny, have a great personality, I am not arrogant in any way, but I have no confidence in myself when it comes to looks if that makes sense. It's not like I feel threatened by anyone else but I don't understand when people tell me I am attractive because I simply can't see it. I know attractiveness is about more than what you look like but I look in the mirror most days and think, oh shit, what a mess. I argue if people tell me I look good. What the bloody hell is wrong with me!

I just want dealing strategies.

Thanks!

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By *emima_puddlefuckCouple
over a year ago

hexham

CBt would help...if you can afford it look at having a few session, 4 to 6 is normally enough to deal with circular thinking and negative thought patterns.

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

It's not your looks. There's something about yourself that you don't like. Something you hide from yourself but your subconcious sees it.

Sit and make a list of all the good things about the way you look and behave. You will eventually come up with what it is that you feel uneasy about and you will reconcile with it.

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By *uckoldandWifeCouple
over a year ago

Manchester

It's not that you are insecure, it sounds more like you are suspicious of everyone you meet who tells you that you look good. You choose not to believe them so in effect you are calling them liars.

Remember just because you don't find someone attractive doesn't mean someone else won't too.

Learn to accept that people find you attractive even if you don't agree, in the same way you might accept that some people find Anne Widdecombe attractive and others don't.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"CBt would help...if you can afford it look at having a few session, 4 to 6 is normally enough to deal with circular thinking and negative thought patterns."

CBt?

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"It's not your looks. There's something about yourself that you don't like. Something you hide from yourself but your subconcious sees it.

Sit and make a list of all the good things about the way you look and behave. You will eventually come up with what it is that you feel uneasy about and you will reconcile with it.

"

Thank you, I will try that.

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By *uckoldandWifeCouple
over a year ago

Manchester

CBT is cognitive behavioural therapy

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By *r55Man
over a year ago

southampton

you shouldnt worry - you should see me lol.

there we go a strategy for dealing with it - self depricate

x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

you have nothing to worry about i must be the geekest looking person on here.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"you shouldnt worry - you should see me lol.

there we go a strategy for dealing with it - self depricate

x "

What's really worrying me is that at some point I will meet someone and have a relationship and feel threatened by other people because I am a dick about it. The lack of confidence that someone is going to like me and not be looking for someone else is such a drag. And I am such a fool about it. I've just come out of an 18 year relationship. And this site is making me think about it because I would like some sort of open relationship but I don't know if I have the confidence to let my partner see other people. And I want to be that person more than anything in the world.

I know how much I have going for me but can't feel confident enough to really know it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

your beauty comes from within,not just on the outside,keep telling yourself that you are gorgous and eventally you start to feel better from it.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"your beauty comes from within,not just on the outside,keep telling yourself that you are gorgous and eventally you start to feel better from it. "

Does that really work though? I have been trying that and I still argue with myself.

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By *obinhood-maidmarionCouple
over a year ago

Yorkshire

I am bored witless of my insecurities. How do people deal with them? I am very capable, intelligent, organised, funny, have a great personality, I am not arrogant in any way,

that is how you opened your speach, that is not insecurity!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

i'm no expert however,in my case i try not to let my mind talk overule everything else.stay focused on feeling fantastic.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I am happy to strip naked and go in and out of the jacuzzi at clubs like Chams and Eureka, yet I cannot wear an ordinary swimsuit and go swimming in a public pool.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I am bored witless of my insecurities. How do people deal with them? I am very capable, intelligent, organised, funny, have a great personality, I am not arrogant in any way,

that is how you opened your speach, that is not insecurity!"

The problem is, I know I am ok as a person, it's what I look like that I have a problem with. And even having said that, it must be more than that because I still feel that somehow I fail as a person. I can't really explain it. I have spent years running different projects, organising people, I run my own business, I am self-effacing. What I was trying to say was I should not be wildly insecure, but I still am.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I am happy to strip naked and go in and out of the jacuzzi at clubs like Chams and Eureka, yet I cannot wear an ordinary swimsuit and go swimming in a public pool.

"

Yeah see there is an element of that. When it comes to sex I don't seem to have a problem at all. I am body confident. The whole thing makes no sense whatsoever. And at the end of the day maybe it's the way everyone feels and I should just get a grip and not be so silly.

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By *uckoldandWifeCouple
over a year ago

Manchester

Did your partner leave you for someone else?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm with Jem on this CBT can really help, I wasn't impressed with it when I first started the course... but it's a 'slow burner' It's worth a go really.... and the doctors love it! speak to your GP they are promoting this big time these days (unfortunately to the detriment of other therapies) but it sounds exactly right for your particular worries

good luck x

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

No, my first boyfriend created one or two problems but that was when I was 18. And it wasn't him, it was the people who said "what the hell is he going out with her for?" but that was 27 pissing years ago. When I met the guy I was with for 18 years I was abysmal. I know people on here who adore watching their guy having sex with other women. I want to be that confident. But the thought makes me so scared.

No one has ever left me for someone else. And apart from my first boyfriend it's been me that has left them. God I sound bloody awful.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I'm with Jem on this CBT can really help, I wasn't impressed with it when I first started the course... but it's a 'slow burner' It's worth a go really.... and the doctors love it! speak to your GP they are promoting this big time these days (unfortunately to the detriment of other therapies) but it sounds exactly right for your particular worries

good luck x"

Thank you! I've looked in Cardiff and it's £100 an hour though. Currently not able to afford that...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I'm with Jem on this CBT can really help, I wasn't impressed with it when I first started the course... but it's a 'slow burner' It's worth a go really.... and the doctors love it! speak to your GP they are promoting this big time these days (unfortunately to the detriment of other therapies) but it sounds exactly right for your particular worries

good luck x

Thank you! I've looked in Cardiff and it's £100 an hour though. Currently not able to afford that..."

Speak to your GP, ask for a referal. There will be a waiting list but just asking can't hurt

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

I will, thank you!

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By *uckoldandWifeCouple
over a year ago

Manchester

Why do want to be that person who can see their partner play with someone else. Even the most self loving, confident person might find that impossible?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Same here and when my friend says "hello beautiful" I wonder why he says it to me?

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By *abioMan
over a year ago

Newcastle and Gateshead


"I am bored witless of my insecurities. How do people deal with them? I am very capable, intelligent, organised, funny, have a great personality, I am not arrogant in any way, but I have no confidence in myself when it comes to looks if that makes sense. It's not like I feel threatened by anyone else but I don't understand when people tell me I am attractive because I simply can't see it. I know attractiveness is about more than what you look like but I look in the mirror most days and think, oh shit, what a mess. I argue if people tell me I look good. What the bloody hell is wrong with me!

I just want dealing strategies.

Thanks!"

I think every person if they were honest have insecurities in at least one way shape or form so from that respect you are perfectly normal...

I do have that "what on earth do people see in me" complex when they choose me over some buff ripped 6 pack person... and when people say i am lovely I do just smile and say thanks, but again it isn't something I see....

the hardest thing is seeing the good in yourself that everyone else does... and working your brain around that.....

the closest i have gotten to figuring it all out is to say to myself "I'm okay!!!"....

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Why do want to be that person who can see their partner play with someone else. Even the most self loving, confident person might find that impossible?"

well, I have a guy who I met on here and he likes me to see other people and I want him to be able to see other people but every time he does it throws me for a loop. and it shouldn't because I know we feel the same way about each other. why is it ok for me to have sex with other people and he doesn't worry that it will change the way I feel about him, but for me it terrifies me.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"It's not that you are insecure, it sounds more like you are suspicious of everyone you meet who tells you that you look good. You choose not to believe them so in effect you are calling them liars.

Remember just because you don't find someone attractive doesn't mean someone else won't too.

Learn to accept that people find you attractive even if you don't agree, in the same way you might accept that some people find Anne Widdecombe attractive and others don't."

I have been named called, ridiculed, made fun of and 'retched' at by people so I would agree with what you are saying as definitely insecure but I carry on regardless and don't care about putting myself in a situation where I know I will be made fun of

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just picking up on something Fabio said

It's a good lesson to learn to accept compliments graciously, try it!

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"

I do have that "what on earth do people see in me" complex when they choose me over some buff ripped 6 pack person... and when people say i am lovely I do just smile and say thanks, but again it isn't something I see....

the hardest thing is seeing the good in yourself that everyone else does... and working your brain around that.....

the closest i have gotten to figuring it all out is to say to myself "I'm okay!!!".... "

this, this is it exactly

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I am bored witless of my insecurities. How do people deal with them? I am very capable, intelligent, organised, funny, have a great personality, I am not arrogant in any way, but I have no confidence in myself when it comes to looks if that makes sense. It's not like I feel threatened by anyone else but I don't understand when people tell me I am attractive because I simply can't see it. I know attractiveness is about more than what you look like but I look in the mirror most days and think, oh shit, what a mess. I argue if people tell me I look good. What the bloody hell is wrong with me!

I just want dealing strategies.

Thanks!"

you sound just like me and to be honest probably thousands of other women, thing is you cant change who you are, id love for my boobs to be back where they was when i was i8, id love to have a flat belly with no stretch marks, id love to not have wrinkles or to not have to dye my grey roots every couple of months but the thing is i cant go back to what i looked like before i had kids and was young so i have to just accept thata year by year things are just going to get worse lol

Dont make you feel any better but theres no point dwelling on what you cant change

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Just picking up on something Fabio said

It's a good lesson to learn to accept compliments graciously, try it! "

I do, I do, but I don't understand it. It's what do they see that I can't syndrome. My friends tell me I am 'beautiful' which I am sure is more to do with my personality because I know I am not. I am just normal. I am a good kind loving person. But ordinary.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Just picking up on something Fabio said

It's a good lesson to learn to accept compliments graciously, try it!

I do, I do, but I don't understand it. It's what do they see that I can't syndrome. My friends tell me I am 'beautiful' which I am sure is more to do with my personality because I know I am not. I am just normal. I am a good kind loving person. But ordinary."

i cant accept compliments i always feel like people are just mocking me and by saying thanks they will laugh at me and think god did she actually think i was being serious so i just laugh them off and ask if they have been drinking so they know i know they're just pissing about, ive actually had guys fall out with me because of this, but sometimes you just cant accept that when people look at you they dont see what you see when you look in a mirrow

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"

i cant accept compliments i always feel like people are just mocking me and by saying thanks they will laugh at me and think god did she actually think i was being serious so i just laugh them off and ask if they have been drinking so they know i know they're just pissing about, ive actually had guys fall out with me because of this, but sometimes you just cant accept that when people look at you they dont see what you see when you look in a mirrow "

we need a team talk too then!!

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By *idlifecrisis40Man
over a year ago

Manchester (North)


"I have been named called, ridiculed, made fun of and 'retched' at by people"

There aren't many things in life which make me angry, but the big one is when I hear of people being treated like this. There are all too many people out there who seem to get off on insulting and abusing other people, presumably to make themselves feel better in some warped twisted way. I would say that those people don't know the harm they do, but unfortunately I think they do and they just don't care.

On the other hand, the people I've spoken to and met through this site have been some of the most wonderful, fascinating people I've ever known. It's the same old story of a few spoiling it for all the rest.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I have been named called, ridiculed, made fun of and 'retched' at by people

There aren't many things in life which make me angry, but the big one is when I hear of people being treated like this. There are all too many people out there who seem to get off on insulting and abusing other people, presumably to make themselves feel better in some warped twisted way. I would say that those people don't know the harm they do, but unfortunately I think they do and they just don't care.

On the other hand, the people I've spoken to and met through this site have been some of the most wonderful, fascinating people I've ever known. It's the same old story of a few spoiling it for all the rest."

+1

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

sub consciously you feel you don't deserve the admiration and compliments from others, somewhere in your past someone has instilled this in you. It could be as small as a joke from a family member when you were growing up or a previous relationship.

You need to learn to accept compliments a simple thank you, rather than putting yourself down before they do?

Granny suggested making a list and that's a very good idea.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"sub consciously you feel you don't deserve the admiration and compliments from others, somewhere in your past someone has instilled this in you. It could be as small as a joke from a family member when you were growing up or a previous relationship.

You need to learn to accept compliments a simple thank you, rather than putting yourself down before they do?

Granny suggested making a list and that's a very good idea. "

Thank you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

everyone looks like sh!t in the morning stick some slap on and job done

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By *emima_puddlefuckCouple
over a year ago

hexham


"I'm with Jem on this CBT can really help, I wasn't impressed with it when I first started the course... but it's a 'slow burner' It's worth a go really.... and the doctors love it! speak to your GP they are promoting this big time these days (unfortunately to the detriment of other therapies) but it sounds exactly right for your particular worries

good luck x

Thank you! I've looked in Cardiff and it's £100 an hour though. Currently not able to afford that...

Speak to your GP, ask for a referal. There will be a waiting list but just asking can't hurt "

Docs are very big on it at the moment, as Fia says to the detriment of other talking therapies, so it is really worth asking. It is about retraining your mind to avoid the negative thoughts that you dont like, since you are already aware of them and the harm they can do it would probably work well for you.

You could perhaps do some reading too, try the road less travelled by Peck, sometimes described as the self help book for people who dont read self help books,

You can heal your life by louise Hay is a bit hippy dippy but is great on self love...and if she can love herself anyone can.

Good luck...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Just picking up on something Fabio said

It's a good lesson to learn to accept compliments graciously, try it!

I do, I do, but I don't understand it. It's what do they see that I can't syndrome. My friends tell me I am 'beautiful' which I am sure is more to do with my personality because I know I am not. I am just normal. I am a good kind loving person. But ordinary.

i cant accept compliments i always feel like people are just mocking me and by saying thanks they will laugh at me and think god did she actually think i was being serious so i just laugh them off and ask if they have been drinking so they know i know they're just pissing about, ive actually had guys fall out with me because of this, but sometimes you just cant accept that when people look at you they dont see what you see when you look in a mirrow "

I get this completely! I can see an attractive quality in pretty much anyone, but when someone compliments me I try to detract from it in some way because I don't see what they see.

Daftest thing is (and I know it's daft!) I can get 20 compliments and 1 put down, and it's the put down that I'll take to heart...which is why sometimes the abusive messages on here really naff me off because I can be having a relatively good day then be called something by someone who hasn't even seen my face and I want to trough a ton of chocolate!

It's silly, and I know it's silly, but I just can't seem to help it. I can see the logic in just ignoring the idiots, and even tell others to do it, but just can't seem to take my own advice! Might look into the CBT thingy...not something I've heard of before x

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By *mm_n_ZedCouple
over a year ago

Fareham

I am very much the same. I ended up in tears at a club the other day because of it - I was so damned frustrated with myself that I couldn't even go into the jacuzzi because 'someone was in it and would see me get in' (pretty high chance of that in a club ffs). I have given myself every logical argument there is but it doesn't matter a jot - in my eyes I'm the most unattractive person I know.

I do empathise with you and hope you find a solution.

PS

I'd kill for your gorgeous bottom!!

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I am very much the same. I ended up in tears at a club the other day because of it - I was so damned frustrated with myself that I couldn't even go into the jacuzzi because 'someone was in it and would see me get in' (pretty high chance of that in a club ffs). I have given myself every logical argument there is but it doesn't matter a jot - in my eyes I'm the most unattractive person I know.

I do empathise with you and hope you find a solution.

PS

I'd kill for your gorgeous bottom!! "

Thank you, you are very kind. What is it about us silly people?!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

C.b.t is a great help, I have had one to one and group therapy in the past and it realy makes you realise your no different to anyone else and to not worry about things so much. Also if you get referred by a gp you can get it free on the nhs.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I feel so mich better for reading this. This site always makes me feel awful when I go looking at other people's profiles, as they are all so attractive! Half of the time I daren't contact people as I think there's no way they'd want to meet horrible little me.

On the other hand, I find allsorts of different people attractive and I totally understand why some people might like skinny people or BBW's or anything in between. Everyone is gorgeous in their own way. I just can't see it in me.

Her xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm the same have big confidence problems, I know I am well educated and have even got a masters in engineering but I am stuck in a job where I don't get paid a great deal and where I am at the top of my pay scale. I know I could be getting paid a lot more else where but I am too terrified to apply for another job. I always think I will be laughed at.

I also have a big problem in social situations which I hate! I panic far too much.

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By *ENDAROOSCouple
over a year ago

South West London / Surrey


"I am bored witless of my insecurities. How do people deal with them? I am very capable, intelligent, organised, funny, have a great personality, I am not arrogant in any way, but I have no confidence in myself when it comes to looks if that makes sense. It's not like I feel threatened by anyone else but I don't understand when people tell me I am attractive because I simply can't see it. I know attractiveness is about more than what you look like but I look in the mirror most days and think, oh shit, what a mess. I argue if people tell me I look good. What the bloody hell is wrong with me!

I just want dealing strategies.

Thanks!

I think every person if they were honest have insecurities in at least one way shape or form so from that respect you are perfectly normal...

I do have that "what on earth do people see in me" complex when they choose me over some buff ripped 6 pack person... and when people say i am lovely I do just smile and say thanks, but again it isn't something I see....

the hardest thing is seeing the good in yourself that everyone else does... and working your brain around that.....

the closest i have gotten to figuring it all out is to say to myself "I'm okay!!!".... "

Great post _abio

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