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Dom/sub and mixing.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Recent conversation with someone over pros and cons of a Dom/sub relationship and meeting others at same time both separately and together got me thinking what do fabbers think of this. Would they and if so how did they feel about it from a Don's and sub's perspective? How did it change you or the dynamics of that relationship? Good to hear of your experiences.

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By *acey_RedWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool

As a poly switch I have different dynamics with different partners and none of them really influence each other.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

As someone who's been in D/s, poly, open style relationships over the years I would say that they don't really have any baring on each other.

My play with some is entirely different to how it is with others - dynamics are always personal to the people involved so in short, they have zero effect on each other would be the answer.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Following with interest..

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"As someone who's been in D/s, poly, open style relationships over the years I would say that they don't really have any baring on each other.

My play with some is entirely different to how it is with others - dynamics are always personal to the people involved so in short, they have zero effect on each other would be the answer."

How did the other person feel?

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"As a poly switch I have different dynamics with different partners and none of them really influence each other."

I get that, though I wonder if it has subconsciously. It certainly enables the potential for one to bring something new to a new partner.

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By *uliette500Woman
over a year ago

Hull

I am sub lady and I do have a Dom. We don't live together and he does allow and even encourages me to meet with others with his permission only.

The play I have with him is very different to what I have with others and he gets a kick out of hearing about my other meets and in punishing me for being a bad girl and meeting with other people.

All relationships have their own dynamics and what works for one couple won't work for others.

You have to find what works for you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I would say that - if you are very close to your dom and I'm just going to use a dom in a Male sense to explain this - it's almost as if it's a bonding experience. You get to come home and tell him about it, explain the experience to him, giggle and laugh, explore it like two teenagers. He sees an insight into you, you get to allow him into that outer world of you. To bring those two facets of yourself and trust him with that knowledge is very personal and can either build on the trust you have in each other or it can destroy. Depends on what you can handle of the unknown and on what you can handle as a non controlled part.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have some experience of D/s with a sub who had other partners. From my perspective as the domme this did present challenges. I felt a certain responsibility to invest more into the dynamic which sometimes made me feel foolish because I felt it was unlikely he was investing the same amount. I didn't have other partners.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I would say that - if you are very close to your dom and I'm just going to use a dom in a Male sense to explain this - it's almost as if it's a bonding experience. You get to come home and tell him about it, explain the experience to him, giggle and laugh, explore it like two teenagers. He sees an insight into you, you get to allow him into that outer world of you. To bring those two facets of yourself and trust him with that knowledge is very personal and can either build on the trust you have in each other or it can destroy. Depends on what you can handle of the unknown and on what you can handle as a non controlled part. "

Some interesting points raised. As you mention there are aspects one doesn't and can't control, which requires some considerations.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I have some experience of D/s with a sub who had other partners. From my perspective as the domme this did present challenges. I felt a certain responsibility to invest more into the dynamic which sometimes made me feel foolish because I felt it was unlikely he was investing the same amount. I didn't have other partners."

This is certainly an issue when one partner is not meeting others and as you say they may certainly feel there is an unequal investment together.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What points raised have you not considered or have considered and want to expand on?

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"What points raised have you not considered or have considered and want to expand on? "

Your last comment...."Depends on what you can handle of the unknown and on what you can handle as a non controlled part. "

I found interesting. Wondered what you were thinking about at the time?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"What points raised have you not considered or have considered and want to expand on?

Your last comment...."Depends on what you can handle of the unknown and on what you can handle as a non controlled part. "

I found interesting. Wondered what you were thinking about at the time?"

Some people dont understand how their jealousies work; or what triggers it. You have to evolve into an honesty you never considered because of that or you stay on the surface and stay in denial and hope your sub will be able to handle what you consider punishment for things she/he shouldnt have to take on for your inability to communicate what really bothers you.

For my dom, his problem when we figured it out came from when they contacted me after; he felt that men liking me after was a threat to our relationship. We worked through it, things were fine, but it is what it is.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This can be a tricky one to answer, it is dependant on your situation, dynamic and what your comfortable with.

Different relationships have their own dynamics and what works for one will not necessarily work for another.

As poly, dom and have been in different d/s relationships at different times I can say each is unique.

Every d/s relationship should be specific to the people in each relationship. Every Dom, Domme and sub have different and specific needs that need to be met.

S

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"What points raised have you not considered or have considered and want to expand on?

Your last comment...."Depends on what you can handle of the unknown and on what you can handle as a non controlled part. "

I found interesting. Wondered what you were thinking about at the time?

Some people dont understand how their jealousies work; or what triggers it. You have to evolve into an honesty you never considered because of that or you stay on the surface and stay in denial and hope your sub will be able to handle what you consider punishment for things she/he shouldnt have to take on for your inability to communicate what really bothers you.

For my dom, his problem when we figured it out came from when they contacted me after; he felt that men liking me after was a threat to our relationship. We worked through it, things were fine, but it is what it is.

"

Glad you articulated it well. This is what I'm trying to get people joining in to do, as it will be a source of information for others. Things some never considered when getting into a D/s relationship.

The insecurity is a common one and one and not always being the sub. The other needs to be supportive and encouraging, responding in the right way. You rightly pointed out that it shouldn't be seen as another means or excuse of punishment too. That unfortunately is often the case for many wannabe new Doms and would demonstrate something very wrong in their understanding of the relationship.

Thank you.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"This can be a tricky one to answer, it is dependant on your situation, dynamic and what your comfortable with.

Different relationships have their own dynamics and what works for one will not necessarily work for another.

As poly, dom and have been in different d/s relationships at different times I can say each is unique.

Every d/s relationship should be specific to the people in each relationship. Every Dom, Domme and sub have different and specific needs that need to be met.

S"

This is very true. It is a learning curve and one cannot assume the same behaviour or dynamic is automatically assumed for a new situation.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"

Glad you articulated it well. This is what I'm trying to get people joining in to do, as it will be a source of information for others. Things some never considered when getting into a D/s relationship.

The insecurity is a common one and one and not always being the sub. The other needs to be supportive and encouraging, responding in the right way. You rightly pointed out that it shouldn't be seen as another means or excuse of punishment too. That unfortunately is often the case for many wannabe new Doms and would demonstrate something very wrong in their understanding of the relationship.

Thank you."

You are welcome.

I just felt that generic, blanket responses was not something you were after.

I do feel though that there are much better websites geared for those lifestyle choices that can help a person understand more so than here. It is just my opinion and my opinion only based on my observations to encourage that.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"

Glad you articulated it well. This is what I'm trying to get people joining in to do, as it will be a source of information for others. Things some never considered when getting into a D/s relationship.

The insecurity is a common one and one and not always being the sub. The other needs to be supportive and encouraging, responding in the right way. You rightly pointed out that it shouldn't be seen as another means or excuse of punishment too. That unfortunately is often the case for many wannabe new Doms and would demonstrate something very wrong in their understanding of the relationship.

Thank you.

You are welcome.

I just felt that generic, blanket responses was not something you were after.

I do feel though that there are much better websites geared for those lifestyle choices that can help a person understand more so than here. It is just my opinion and my opinion only based on my observations to encourage that. "

Yes you're right, I wanted to glean information here for some interested and create a positive post.

There are a few good ones but most fabbers tend to want to hear from fabbers experiences. I'm on a site which I found particularly good for information moreso that contacts or meeting.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"

Yes you're right, I wanted to glean information here for some interested and create a positive post.

There are a few good ones but most fabbers tend to want to hear from fabbers experiences. I'm on a site which I found particularly good for information moreso that contacts or meeting."

If it's the site I think it is, I've done alot of the photography and still shots for many of the larger wolf packs/clans/owners over the years to add to their profiles and for their own personal purposes.

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By *uckslut and MCouple
over a year ago

Poole

We are a Stag / Vixen, closed Dom / sub couple, Domme in own right!

Now that's a lable!

Stag / Vixen = Stag can and dose play alone, with or without permission. If he's out and about and a play comes up, he does not need expressed consent from me to play.

Vixen, will only play with Stag in attenance. Safty aspect for fem, nothing to do with D/s relationship.

Closed D/s relationship. We only play D/s between us. We're 5 years into building our D/s, with proticols, rules and Boundries. Dom will only Dom this Sub. Sub will only sub to this Dom. Won't switch!

This Domme, will come out to play at times. Have to find the right sub slave, as cbt is the focas of my attentions.

For us swinging and kink are worlds away. We don't mix the 2. Although this fem won't alow anyone to Alpha, Dom or top me during a swing play.

Complicated? No but yes but.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"We are a Stag / Vixen, closed Dom / sub couple, Domme in own right!

Now that's a lable!

Stag / Vixen = Stag can and dose play alone, with or without permission. If he's out and about and a play comes up, he does not need expressed consent from me to play.

Vixen, will only play with Stag in attenance. Safty aspect for fem, nothing to do with D/s relationship.

Closed D/s relationship. We only play D/s between us. We're 5 years into building our D/s, with proticols, rules and Boundries. Dom will only Dom this Sub. Sub will only sub to this Dom. Won't switch!

This Domme, will come out to play at times. Have to find the right sub slave, as cbt is the focas of my attentions.

For us swinging and kink are worlds away. We don't mix the 2. Although this fem won't alow anyone to Alpha, Dom or top me during a swing play.

Complicated? No but yes but. "

Only complicated I'd say to those who haven't thought about it much.

Very good descriptions and clearly thought out between both of you. Few understand that it can take years and you've demonstrated that quite well.

I've come across many who just jump into a dom/s senario thinking it's the way it's done. Just naïve and potentially very harmful.

Thanks for your input

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By *uckslut and MCouple
over a year ago

Poole


"We are a Stag / Vixen, closed Dom / sub couple, Domme in own right!

Now that's a lable!

Stag / Vixen = Stag can and dose play alone, with or without permission. If he's out and about and a play comes up, he does not need expressed consent from me to play.

Vixen, will only play with Stag in attenance. Safty aspect for fem, nothing to do with D/s relationship.

Closed D/s relationship. We only play D/s between us. We're 5 years into building our D/s, with proticols, rules and Boundries. Dom will only Dom this Sub. Sub will only sub to this Dom. Won't switch!

This Domme, will come out to play at times. Have to find the right sub slave, as cbt is the focas of my attentions.

For us swinging and kink are worlds away. We don't mix the 2. Although this fem won't alow anyone to Alpha, Dom or top me during a swing play.

Complicated? No but yes but.

Only complicated I'd say to those who haven't thought about it much.

Very good descriptions and clearly thought out between both of you. Few understand that it can take years and you've demonstrated that quite well.

I've come across many who just jump into a dom/s senario thinking it's the way it's done. Just naïve and potentially very harmful.

Thanks for your input "

It's not complicated to us. . I find those who start in knik then come over to swing understand relationship dynamics and complications better than just swingers. Swingers have rules of do's and don't. Kinksters have dymanics, leather family, rope bunnys, sadist, ddlg and the sub catogoaries, and rules, proticols and boundries. Then not forgetting the Sub, is in charge! hay, oh, but wait a minute, computer says no!

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By *uckslut and MCouple
over a year ago

Poole


"We are a Stag / Vixen, closed Dom / sub couple, Domme in own right!

Now that's a lable!

Stag / Vixen = Stag can and dose play alone, with or without permission. If he's out and about and a play comes up, he does not need expressed consent from me to play.

Vixen, will only play with Stag in attenance. Safty aspect for fem, nothing to do with D/s relationship.

Closed D/s relationship. We only play D/s between us. We're 5 years into building our D/s, with proticols, rules and Boundries. Dom will only Dom this Sub. Sub will only sub to this Dom. Won't switch!

This Domme, will come out to play at times. Have to find the right sub slave, as cbt is the focas of my attentions.

For us swinging and kink are worlds away. We don't mix the 2. Although this fem won't alow anyone to Alpha, Dom or top me during a swing play.

Complicated? No but yes but.

Only complicated I'd say to those who haven't thought about it much.

Very good descriptions and clearly thought out between both of you. Few understand that it can take years and you've demonstrated that quite well.

I've come across many who just jump into a dom/s senario thinking it's the way it's done. Just naïve and potentially very harmful.

Thanks for your input

It's not complicated to us. . I find those who start in knik then come over to swing understand relationship dynamics and complications better than just swingers. Swingers have rules of do's and don't. Kinksters have dymanics, leather family, rope bunnys, sadist, ddlg and the sub catogoaries, and rules, proticols and boundries. Then not forgetting the Sub, is in charge! hay, oh, but wait a minute, computer says no!

"

Yes, your right about dangerous. Another thread someone has set up a play room with kink toys. I inout saying about pourous toys only being used on one person in its life. There we're surjestions of, using antibac wipes and bleaching leather whips. kinksters, cross over to swing to educate non kinksters, and possibly new community members. We want every one to be safe and happy.

We as a couple play very much in both worlds full time. Swinging and kink, so like to feel we have good advice to share. Its upto the person if they take it or not.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"

Yes, your right about dangerous. Another thread someone has set up a play room with kink toys. I inout saying about pourous toys only being used on one person in its life. There we're surjestions of, using antibac wipes and bleaching leather whips. kinksters, cross over to swing to educate non kinksters, and possibly new community members. We want every one to be safe and happy.

We as a couple play very much in both worlds full time. Swinging and kink, so like to feel we have good advice to share. Its up to the person if they take it or not. "

I'm sorry - were you saying that people were using porous and leather toys and wiping them with just antibacterial wipes or bleaching? The sentence/wording does not make sense to me and I just want to understand please!

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"

Yes, your right about dangerous. Another thread someone has set up a play room with kink toys. I inout saying about pourous toys only being used on one person in its life. There we're surjestions of, using antibac wipes and bleaching leather whips. kinksters, cross over to swing to educate non kinksters, and possibly new community members. We want every one to be safe and happy.

We as a couple play very much in both worlds full time. Swinging and kink, so like to feel we have good advice to share. Its up to the person if they take it or not.

I'm sorry - were you saying that people were using porous and leather toys and wiping them with just antibacterial wipes or bleaching? The sentence/wording does not make sense to me and I just want to understand please!

"

I understood it as using antibiotic wipes on the porous toys and bleach on the whips. Which I've heard swingers say before too.

Just to pick up on another valid point about crossing over and the comment on rules. I must agree, many fabbers have rules and boxes that they have to tick before proceeding or to help deciding. This is incredibly coupled with the idea by many who swing think they are kinkier and the vanilla world is boring. I have smiled at this as in my experience, 'most' swingers are very vanilla in their sex, by this I mean those I've met through other 'dating' sites have been much more open minded to trying new things, even initiating, which demonstrated a great openess to such activities.

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By *uckslut and MCouple
over a year ago

Poole


"

Yes, your right about dangerous. Another thread someone has set up a play room with kink toys. I inout saying about pourous toys only being used on one person in its life. There we're surjestions of, using antibac wipes and bleaching leather whips. kinksters, cross over to swing to educate non kinksters, and possibly new community members. We want every one to be safe and happy.

We as a couple play very much in both worlds full time. Swinging and kink, so like to feel we have good advice to share. Its up to the person if they take it or not.

I'm sorry - were you saying that people were using porous and leather toys and wiping them with just antibacterial wipes or bleaching? The sentence/wording does not make sense to me and I just want to understand please!

"

Yes, exactly that. I'm not good at spelling. Yes, porous fabrics can harbour bllod and body fliuds. Wiping them with anti bac wipes dose not ensure it's clean. And no way would I pour bleach over my £120 pair swead floggers.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's not really my....thing to put one genre above the other. For some, doing soft swing is the kinkiest thing they want to do and I would never shame someone for that. And I am not suggesting you are either in any way. I just feel that what we define as "kink" is very personal to ourselves and shouldn't be boxed or subjected to scrutiny as not being enough in some peoples eyes and being too much in others eyes.

It does bother me however when people are roping/binding without proper instruction as well as flogging or whipping without learning how to use them properly from experienced persons.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"

Yes, your right about dangerous. Another thread someone has set up a play room with kink toys. I inout saying about pourous toys only being used on one person in its life. There we're surjestions of, using antibac wipes and bleaching leather whips. kinksters, cross over to swing to educate non kinksters, and possibly new community members. We want every one to be safe and happy.

We as a couple play very much in both worlds full time. Swinging and kink, so like to feel we have good advice to share. Its up to the person if they take it or not.

I'm sorry - were you saying that people were using porous and leather toys and wiping them with just antibacterial wipes or bleaching? The sentence/wording does not make sense to me and I just want to understand please!

Yes, exactly that. I'm not good at spelling. Yes, porous fabrics can harbour bllod and body fliuds. Wiping them with anti bac wipes dose not ensure it's clean. And no way would I pour bleach over my £120 pair swead floggers. "

Thank you for clearing that up and yes that needs some instruction as to how to properly clean things. I am actually stunned that people need that type of instruction in this day and age but then again it shouldn't surprise me either.

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By *uckslut and MCouple
over a year ago

Poole

I've made it a right pickle now. Let me try again. Any item / toy made from a pourus fabric / materail MUST only ever be used on one person, for the life of the item / toy. Even if you don't intend to break skin.

Pourus fabric harbour bactria and gems. Even wiping them with anti bac wipes or pouring bleach over them will not ensure the item is clean. Us kinksters are trying to educate "swingers" if you goto a club / party or meet NOT to use any communal toys / items. They are not clean, even if they have been sprayed in anti bac. If you use toys / whips paddles ect. They must only be used on one person.

You would'nt wear a condom, pull out, wipe with anti bac wipe and dip into the next person. well some might

Another rule that all kinksters know and stick to, is not to touch or even pick up another kinksters equipment. Again, to do with higine. Cardonal sin if you do

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Hmmm perhaps there should be a BDSM section on the forums.

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By *acey_RedWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool


"I've made it a right pickle now. Let me try again. Any item / toy made from a pourus fabric / materail MUST only ever be used on one person, for the life of the item / toy. Even if you don't intend to break skin.

Pourus fabric harbour bactria and gems. Even wiping them with anti bac wipes or pouring bleach over them will not ensure the item is clean. Us kinksters are trying to educate "swingers" if you goto a club / party or meet NOT to use any communal toys / items. They are not clean, even if they have been sprayed in anti bac. If you use toys / whips paddles ect. They must only be used on one person.

You would'nt wear a condom, pull out, wipe with anti bac wipe and dip into the next person. well some might

Another rule that all kinksters know and stick to, is not to touch or even pick up another kinksters equipment. Again, to do with higine. Cardonal sin if you do "

Personally I'm a bit of a germaphobe so I have my own toys that are only used on me. However, in my experience that is not blanket practice among all kinksters. I am yet to meet anyone who shares porous toys after they have broken the skin. It is pretty universal that a leather whip or an unvarnished cane that has drawn blood will then only ever be used with that one person.

However when it comes to toys unlikely to break the skin such as paddles, it is fairly common for them to be used on more than one partner. Everyone's own personal level of risk is up to them and while it is possible to develop a skin infection from sharing leather toys, it's also possible to develop an infection from a club hot tub or sitting on a leather sofa or laying on a spanking bench in a club after other people in no or little clothing. So while I am personally more strict, I can appreciate others distinction of blood contamination being too risky but being comfortable with the risk when there has been no contact with blood or genitals.

When it comes to floggers, from what I have read, simply hanging them and airing them out for a few weeks is enough to allow even the nastiest of bugs like HIV and hepatitis to die. Though like I said, I'm yet to meet anyone who shares porous toys that have been in contact with blood. Even though my floggers are for my own use only, I spray them lightly with an antibacterial spray for use on the skin and hang them in my wardrobe when I am not using them though apparently it's better to hang them in sunlight when it comes to killing off bacteria.

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