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Respect me to disrespect me

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Picking up on themes discussed in other threads today and recently.

Occasionally, with very special people, I like to make myself vulnerable sexually. They get to do things to me that no one else does. I do things to them that I would never do to others. This only happens because I am absolutely secure in their respect for me as a person, which breeds trust.

I don’t understand how a person can expect kinky, potentially demeaning, sex acts from someone they don’t show a lot of respect to outside of the bedroom. Yet most of us, particularly women, have been approached by shouty people demanding we gag on cock, get hit so hard we’ll bruise for weeks, get ch@ked, wear a collar, be on our knees, be owned..all without knowing a thing about us.

How does that work? Can anyone shed a light? Do these approaches work for anyone? Shouty, demanding men - this is your moment to shine! Please explain it to us mystified women.

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By *ady LickWoman
over a year ago

Northampton Somewhere

I love the feeling of vulnerability but there are very few men even out of the ones I've met that I have felt safe enough with to get to that state with.

Love to hear some men's comments

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By *ark ph0enixWoman
over a year ago

Teesside


"Picking up on themes discussed in other threads today and recently.

Occasionally, with very special people, I like to make myself vulnerable sexually. They get to do things to me that no one else does. I do things to them that I would never do to others. This only happens because I am absolutely secure in their respect for me as a person, which breeds trust.

I don’t understand how a person can expect kinky, potentially demeaning, sex acts from someone they don’t show a lot of respect to outside of the bedroom. Yet most of us, particularly women, have been approached by shouty people demanding we gag on cock, get hit so hard we’ll bruise for weeks, get ch@ked, wear a collar, be on our knees, be owned..all without knowing a thing about us.

How does that work? Can anyone shed a light? Do these approaches work for anyone? Shouty, demanding men - this is your moment to shine! Please explain it to us mystified women.

"

I am in total agreement here. I've yet to allow anyone here that pleasure. It's a big trust thing and how can i trust if there are bordering on abuse from inbox alone. I'd rather wait for the right guy.

I'm a brat, but for me those things are earnt not demanded

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Because I meet with my husband present it means I can relax more with the men I meet. And if they want to tie me up then they can.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Because I meet with my husband present it means I can relax more with the men I meet. And if they want to tie me up then they can.

"

True. Having a partner present means you can take ‘risks’. I imagine that can be quite liberating in some ways.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I love the feeling of vulnerability but there are very few men even out of the ones I've met that I have felt safe enough with to get to that state with.

Love to hear some men's comments "

It’s so so sexy when it happens though, and the partner responds appropriately...

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By *od ThrusterMan
over a year ago

Newport Pagnell

That sounds like quite a conundrum. I guess you'll know when you trust someone enough and I think it would take some time.

Good luck.

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By *ikeandmollyCouple
over a year ago

swindon

For me there is only one man I will ever let tell me anything or do anything to and that is Mike but he has earned my trust and respect as I know he would never hurt me.

Molly

XX

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think there's a fine line between what you describe and bullying or assault in some cases and therefore the respect and trust element has to be there for it to work.

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By *inkysexpotMan
over a year ago

leeds

Can't expect the list of kinky interests to happen on the first meet, need to build up trust and respect for each other and find out what makes each other tick so to speak, that's why one offs to me don't mean much.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The submissive is always and I mean *always* in charge. They set the boundaries and the dominant works within them. The submissive wants those sensations and feelings in the first place.

They must both know each other mentally and physically, trust each other totally, communicate honestly.

Like anything it's not for everyone though.

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By *layfulpairsxCouple
over a year ago

Southend

It takes time, patience, understanding and a deep level of trust. Anyone demanding these without taking the time build all of these things is not worthy of anyone's submission.

Shouty, arrogant men (it could be women too) have probably developed a desire to do this by watching porn. They are approaching it with a masculine mindset rather than a feminine one,in much the same way as our experience of some TV's has been that they overdo the femininity aspect of things in a very obsessive, blokey way. With apologies to those TV's who aren't like that. Some members of the gay community can be equally macho and lacking in empathy.

Who would make themselves vulnerable with someone totally lacking in empathy except real edge players? That's probably very dangerous.

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By *piritsonfabCouple
over a year ago

Nottingham

The ones who would say those things in messages before getting to know the person, isn't worth getting to know!!

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By *ady LickWoman
over a year ago

Northampton Somewhere


"I love the feeling of vulnerability but there are very few men even out of the ones I've met that I have felt safe enough with to get to that state with.

Love to hear some men's comments

It’s so so sexy when it happens though, and the partner responds appropriately..."

You really kind beat it, when you find someone that makes you feel like that it's off the scale lust

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By *ertsguy2000Man
over a year ago

hertford

It comes with trust, that in my experience comes with time, time in each other’s company. Although I will add I like to think I’m a pretty good judge of character, and know pretty early on if this is someone where I will have that sort of relationship.

As for the shouty men, thank 50shades I’m afraid, it seems to empower the fucktards into thinking it’s ok to talk to and treat women like that.

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By *ertsguy2000Man
over a year ago

hertford

[Removed by poster at 23/04/19 16:52:56]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"

Yet most of us, particularly women, have been approached by shouty people demanding we gag on cock, get hit so hard we’ll bruise for weeks, get ch@ked, wear a collar, be on our knees, be owned..all without knowing a thing about us...

"

These sort of messages make me think 'ah bless, repressed angry soul'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"The submissive is always and I mean *always* in charge. They set the boundaries and the dominant works within them. The submissive wants those sensations and feelings in the first place.

They must both know each other mentally and physically, trust each other totally, communicate honestly.

Like anything it's not for everyone though."

Whilst I agree with this - I will make one observation. Both parties are equally in charge - a framework is agreed by both and both parties operate within them. A Dominants boundaries and limits are as valid and as important as a submissive's.

The trust and honest communication is without a doubt the most important thing without a doubt.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I love the feeling of vulnerability but there are very few men even out of the ones I've met that I have felt safe enough with to get to that state with.

Love to hear some men's comments

It’s so so sexy when it happens though, and the partner responds appropriately...

You really kind beat it, when you find someone that makes you feel like that it's off the scale lust "

I’m afraid to talk about it for fear of jinxing it, but I’m approaching that point with a couple. If it develops as we all seem to want it to, it could be amazing.

P.s. they’re not on my veris.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's because those types don't give a shit about the woman. They see porn or have some fantasy and think the woman on a sex site will be up for it. She wants a fuck, they're offering a fuck, how dare she say no.

The women in many of those types of porn are battered around in a disrespectful way. The horny man won't sit through the bit at the start where they explain consent.

He's done wanking and wiping his dick on his wife's knickers so he misses the bit at the end where they repeat the consent talk. Laptop turned off before she wakes up.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"It's because those types don't give a shit about the woman. They see porn or have some fantasy and think the woman on a sex site will be up for it. She wants a fuck, they're offering a fuck, how dare she say no.

The women in many of those types of porn are battered around in a disrespectful way. The horny man won't sit through the bit at the start where they explain consent.

He's done wanking and wiping his dick on his wife's knickers so he misses the bit at the end where they repeat the consent talk. Laptop turned off before she wakes up.

"

Whilst there are plenty of these guys, there also seem to be a lot of adequately verified guys who talk the talk about consent and respect, but it when it comes to it really can’t handle a woman disagreeing with them. But they are verified, and the women seemingly had a good time. Maybe people ask a lot fewer questions than me. Or are less challenging. But if you can’t cope with my challenges, how can you possibly earn my respect?

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By *ady LickWoman
over a year ago

Northampton Somewhere


"I love the feeling of vulnerability but there are very few men even out of the ones I've met that I have felt safe enough with to get to that state with.

Love to hear some men's comments

It’s so so sexy when it happens though, and the partner responds appropriately...

You really kind beat it, when you find someone that makes you feel like that it's off the scale lust

I’m afraid to talk about it for fear of jinxing it, but I’m approaching that point with a couple. If it develops as we all seem to want it to, it could be amazing.

P.s. they’re not on my veris."

As if I would look

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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

I think like anything on here it is about finding that connection, that spark, it may go a lot deeper than a swinging type spark and does involve a far deeper level of trust, and trust that likely won't come after the first, second or even third meet - it's built over time and requires negotiation, understanding and communication and a whole lot more.

Unfortunately there is a certain element on the site for whom the "quick fix" approach applies and it doesn't matter to them whether it applies to getting a sex meet or getting a kink meet they want it all, and they want it now!! They've seen extreme porn and think it's for them without really understanding it.

I also think a lot of those that send the kind of messages you describe are probably fantasists who if you got them in a room handed them a cane and asked them to stripe your rear, would probably run a mile screaming

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By *inkipleasure4uCouple
over a year ago

Farnborough


"Picking up on themes discussed in other threads today and recently.

Occasionally, with very special people, I like to make myself vulnerable sexually. They get to do things to me that no one else does. I do things to them that I would never do to others. This only happens because I am absolutely secure in their respect for me as a person, which breeds trust.

I don’t understand how a person can expect kinky, potentially demeaning, sex acts from someone they don’t show a lot of respect to outside of the bedroom. Yet most of us, particularly women, have been approached by shouty people demanding we gag on cock, get hit so hard we’ll bruise for weeks, get ch@ked, wear a collar, be on our knees, be owned..all without knowing a thing about us.

How does that work? Can anyone shed a light? Do these approaches work for anyone? Shouty, demanding men - this is your moment to shine! Please explain it to us mystified women.

"

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I love the feeling of vulnerability but there are very few men even out of the ones I've met that I have felt safe enough with to get to that state with.

Love to hear some men's comments

It’s so so sexy when it happens though, and the partner responds appropriately...

You really kind beat it, when you find someone that makes you feel like that it's off the scale lust

I’m afraid to talk about it for fear of jinxing it, but I’m approaching that point with a couple. If it develops as we all seem to want it to, it could be amazing.

P.s. they’re not on my veris.

As if I would look "

It wasn’t you I was concerned about.. They are discreet and I need to respect that. But sooooo hot!

Can you tell I’m excited?

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By *inkipleasure4uCouple
over a year ago

Farnborough


"The submissive is always and I mean *always* in charge. They set the boundaries and the dominant works within them. The submissive wants those sensations and feelings in the first place.

They must both know each other mentally and physically, trust each other totally, communicate honestly.

Like anything it's not for everyone though."

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I think like anything on here it is about finding that connection, that spark, it may go a lot deeper than a swinging type spark and does involve a far deeper level of trust, and trust that likely won't come after the first, second or even third meet - it's built over time and requires negotiation, understanding and communication and a whole lot more.

"

I think I love you.

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By *inkipleasure4uCouple
over a year ago

Farnborough


"The submissive is always and I mean *always* in charge. They set the boundaries and the dominant works within them. The submissive wants those sensations and feelings in the first place.

They must both know each other mentally and physically, trust each other totally, communicate honestly.

Like anything it's not for everyone though.

Whilst I agree with this - I will make one observation. Both parties are equally in charge - a framework is agreed by both and both parties operate within them. A Dominants boundaries and limits are as valid and as important as a submissive's.

The trust and honest communication is without a doubt the most important thing without a doubt. "

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"

Unfortunately there is a certain element on the site for whom the "quick fix" approach applies and it doesn't matter to them whether it applies to getting a sex meet or getting a kink meet they want it all, and they want it now!! They've seen extreme porn and think it's for them without really understanding it.

I also think a lot of those that send the kind of messages you describe are probably fantasists who if you got them in a room handed them a cane and asked them to stripe your rear, would probably run a mile screaming"

My fear is that someone will get past my filters and that WON’T be the case. The number of people who talk about trust and safe words, but try and bulldoze you into things and won’t discuss is frightening.

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By *ady LickWoman
over a year ago

Northampton Somewhere


"I love the feeling of vulnerability but there are very few men even out of the ones I've met that I have felt safe enough with to get to that state with.

Love to hear some men's comments

It’s so so sexy when it happens though, and the partner responds appropriately...

You really kind beat it, when you find someone that makes you feel like that it's off the scale lust

I’m afraid to talk about it for fear of jinxing it, but I’m approaching that point with a couple. If it develops as we all seem to want it to, it could be amazing.

P.s. they’re not on my veris.

As if I would look

It wasn’t you I was concerned about.. They are discreet and I need to respect that. But sooooo hot!

Can you tell I’m excited? "

Yes I can, hope it works out

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Any type of kink is only with people I trust implicitly... I think the trust brings out my kinks tbh... Otherwise, I just wanna fuck in a fairly vanilla yet rampant style lol

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Any type of kink is only with people I trust implicitly... I think the trust brings out my kinks tbh... Otherwise, I just wanna fuck in a fairly vanilla yet rampant style lol"

My kind of woman!

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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago

There and to the left a bit


"

Unfortunately there is a certain element on the site for whom the "quick fix" approach applies and it doesn't matter to them whether it applies to getting a sex meet or getting a kink meet they want it all, and they want it now!! They've seen extreme porn and think it's for them without really understanding it.

I also think a lot of those that send the kind of messages you describe are probably fantasists who if you got them in a room handed them a cane and asked them to stripe your rear, would probably run a mile screaming

My fear is that someone will get past my filters and that WON’T be the case. The number of people who talk about trust and safe words, but try and bulldoze you into things and won’t discuss is frightening."

Unfortunately that is the unknown in all this - you can't truly *know* someone is the genuine article and all they say they are without taking the time to get to know them and coming back the other thing I was saying about not allowing yourself to be vulnerable until *you* are ready to be and that can be done by degrees - for example something as relatively harmless as spanking I might consider on a first meet if it had been discussed beforehand, if that went well and the next time we met I might feel comfortable with a paddle say, and so on until you get to that complete vulnerability. If the person is not willing to wait for that then they're not the one for you.

Open and honest communication is of course also key at every step.

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By *egasus NobMan
over a year ago

Wandsworth

because everyone is different what eek you could be a turn on to another woman.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I thought it was just me who thinks that having someone I don't know tie me is an absolute no no ... it horrifies me tbh why without trust and knowledge of each other would I let it happen!!!

I do get each to their own and what others do is fine ... just not for me!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Unfortunately there are a lot of men and women out there who want to be Dominants but do not understand the fundamental need for honesty, integrity, respect and trust in BDSM.

They watch some porn, read a racy book and think that being a Dominant is just beating someone bloody. That is not BDSM that is abuse.

I am all for people learning to be a Dominant and growing into the role, I am happy to offer advice as well (if I can).

It is a pity but it seems that spotting “red flags” is a norm now rather than an exception.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

For me it would take weeks maybe months to open up fully i prefer building up to things

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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago

There and to the left a bit


"I thought it was just me who thinks that having someone I don't know tie me is an absolute no no ... it horrifies me tbh why without trust and knowledge of each other would I let it happen!!!

I do get each to their own and what others do is fine ... just not for me! "

Not just you at all - the potential for abuse and worse is mind boggling, I wouldn't contemplate *anything* of that nature with someone I didn't know and trust implicitly.

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By *ensualMan
over a year ago

Sutton

For me, the people described by OP are not the only issue. It is the people who talk about trust, and connection and giving space are a bigger issue. The people who realise you catch bees with honey and not vinegar. People seem to think the psychotic sadists go around with a badge on the heads and do not have any self control, so you can spot them after a few socials.

A study I read about found Chief Execs and MDs shared common traits with psychopaths. This is why when people talk about using such a subjective yardstick as trust, I wonder how effective such subjective trust is.

I like the idea of someone trusted by the sub being present, this has been the case a number of times that I have played. I always present options to anyone I play with for the first time, as alternatives to subjective trust.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Picking up on themes discussed in other threads today and recently.

Occasionally, with very special people, I like to make myself vulnerable sexually. They get to do things to me that no one else does. I do things to them that I would never do to others. This only happens because I am absolutely secure in their respect for me as a person, which breeds trust.

I don’t understand how a person can expect kinky, potentially demeaning, sex acts from someone they don’t show a lot of respect to outside of the bedroom. Yet most of us, particularly women, have been approached by shouty people demanding we gag on cock, get hit so hard we’ll bruise for weeks, get ch@ked, wear a collar, be on our knees, be owned..all without knowing a thing about us.

How does that work? Can anyone shed a light? Do these approaches work for anyone? Shouty, demanding men - this is your moment to shine! Please explain it to us mystified women.

"

Having been in D/a relationships in the past I would say it's a matter of building complete trust in the Dom by the sub. Once this is established and the submissive feels completely secure it allows them to indulge in any activity they are both comfortable with In the environment like this a submissive may be involved in submission to others knowing their Dom is looking after their best interests somewhere close by? Far from a comprehensive summary of my thoughts but hopefully something for others to muse or comment on?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Picking up on themes discussed in other threads today and recently.

Occasionally, with very special people, I like to make myself vulnerable sexually. They get to do things to me that no one else does. I do things to them that I would never do to others. This only happens because I am absolutely secure in their respect for me as a person, which breeds trust.

I don’t understand how a person can expect kinky, potentially demeaning, sex acts from someone they don’t show a lot of respect to outside of the bedroom. Yet most of us, particularly women, have been approached by shouty people demanding we gag on cock, get hit so hard we’ll bruise for weeks, get ch@ked, wear a collar, be on our knees, be owned..all without knowing a thing about us.

How does that work? Can anyone shed a light? Do these approaches work for anyone? Shouty, demanding men - this is your moment to shine! Please explain it to us mystified women.

"

Just to add a little to my earlier rambling. I learnt early on in my Dom journey that submission is a gift given. Not something to be taken forcefully? Stick with the guys who understand and respect that ethos and you should be fine? The other type ignore and block. They're not worth the time of day! Good luck!

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Picking up on themes discussed in other threads today and recently.

Occasionally, with very special people, I like to make myself vulnerable sexually. They get to do things to me that no one else does. I do things to them that I would never do to others. This only happens because I am absolutely secure in their respect for me as a person, which breeds trust.

I don’t understand how a person can expect kinky, potentially demeaning, sex acts from someone they don’t show a lot of respect to outside of the bedroom. Yet most of us, particularly women, have been approached by shouty people demanding we gag on cock, get hit so hard we’ll bruise for weeks, get ch@ked, wear a collar, be on our knees, be owned..all without knowing a thing about us.

How does that work? Can anyone shed a light? Do these approaches work for anyone? Shouty, demanding men - this is your moment to shine! Please explain it to us mystified women.

Just to add a little to my earlier rambling. I learnt early on in my Dom journey that submission is a gift given. Not something to be taken forcefully? Stick with the guys who understand and respect that ethos and you should be fine? The other type ignore and block. They're not worth the time of day! Good luck! "

Whilst that’s a worthy sentiment, it is parroted tritely by many who are completely unprepared to put in the time, respect and patience required to actually earn trust in my experience. I thought Zensual’s post on trust was extremely interesting.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

And thank you to everyone for such thoughtful contributions. I’m delighted it didn’t descend into slagging off ‘dim doms’ and arguments about the right way to do kink.

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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

Having reflected on this a little I think it ultimately comes down to personal instincts and gut feeling, coupled with the ability to question and continue to question until you are as sure as you can be that you're comdortable to take that step into vulnerability - know that's not completely foolproof, but the vast majority of the time those that pose a danger or are out to take advantage in the wrong way will show their true colours in the face of probing questions and over time.

Of course there are other safeguards that can be put in place too such as having someone with you (as suggested further up), or only meeting at clubs etc.

It all comes back to being as informed and diligent as you can and not diving into situations that don't *feel* right.

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