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What makes a good dominant or submissive?

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By *emini Man OP   Man
over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

A completely subjective question I know, and I expect a variety of answers, but comments on another thread got me to wondering.

So if BDSM, or even kink play, is a part of your play, or even if it isn't, what makes a good dominant or submissive for you?

There are no wrong answers as such, so long as consent and knowledge form part of it, as I said it's subjective and a very individual thing.

I have my own thoughts, but will hold back for now, as I don't want to skew the shape of the thread from the start.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Not something we’ve ventured very far into other than a paddle to the arse ! I think I could be better at being submissive, D doesn’t always do what he’s told lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I am probably not the best to kick this off, but I’ll put in my two penn’orth.

Someone for whom the mental play is as important as the physical. Someone who makes me feel respected outside of a play framework so that I can make myself vulnerable within it. Someone who can read me well so that they can anticipate my desires and reflect them back to me. And someone who isn’t too bound up in rules and etiquette, is imaginative and mixes things up.

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By *emini Man OP   Man
over a year ago

There and to the left a bit


"Not something we’ve ventured very far into other than a paddle to the arse ! I think I could be better at being submissive, D doesn’t always do what he’s told lol "

Like I said there are no wrong answers, and if what you do works for you as a couple then that's all good.

Why do you think you could be better at being submissive?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Not something we’ve ventured very far into other than a paddle to the arse ! I think I could be better at being submissive, D doesn’t always do what he’s told lol

Like I said there are no wrong answers, and if what you do works for you as a couple then that's all good.

Why do you think you could be better at being submissive? "

Because I will do as I’m told and will only speak when asked a question and my answer is always compliant x

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

For both humility, respect and an ability to communicate effectively.

Humility so you realise you always have something to learn.

Respect for anyone you interact with.

Ability to communicate effectively so whichever side of the coin you're on you're fulfilling your own and the other person's needs. Be guided by these basics and arm yourself with knowledge.

These basic rules don't just apply to some or subs in my opinion.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I am probably not the best to kick this off, but I’ll put in my two penn’orth.

Someone for whom the mental play is as important as the physical. Someone who makes me feel respected outside of a play framework so that I can make myself vulnerable within it. Someone who can read me well so that they can anticipate my desires and reflect them back to me. And someone who isn’t too bound up in rules and etiquette, is imaginative and mixes things up."
thats similar to what id go with i the mental and antisipaion games got to be there as well as creativity to do your own thing not follow rules others set

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By *kexpat81Man
over a year ago

Aldgate

Trust in the domme to stick with yoir no nos

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

*doms or subs

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By *emini Man OP   Man
over a year ago

There and to the left a bit


"I am probably not the best to kick this off, but I’ll put in my two penn’orth.

Someone for whom the mental play is as important as the physical. Someone who makes me feel respected outside of a play framework so that I can make myself vulnerable within it. Someone who can read me well so that they can anticipate my desires and reflect them back to me. And someone who isn’t too bound up in rules and etiquette, is imaginative and mixes things up."

That all makes sense, and the mental connection is just as, if not more, important than the physical one, whichever side of the coin you sit, I think it's important to have that - for the submissive to "feel" the other persons dominance, and for the dominant to truly read the submissive as you say.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I am probably not the best to kick this off, but I’ll put in my two penn’orth.

Someone for whom the mental play is as important as the physical. Someone who makes me feel respected outside of a play framework so that I can make myself vulnerable within it. Someone who can read me well so that they can anticipate my desires and reflect them back to me. And someone who isn’t too bound up in rules and etiquette, is imaginative and mixes things up.thats similar to what id go with i the mental and antisipaion games got to be there as well as creativity to do your own thing not follow rules others set"
example im not a great fan of being called sir i know its respect but it grates on me i like my name but im very new learning on the job you could say but i know what i want and instict tells me what she wants

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Simple answer - connection.

Someone can be a great dominant to their previous submissive but it doesnt work for you and vice versa.

The amount of guys that say I'm a great dominant with x number of years on the BDSM scene and then I find nope not for me.

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By *emini Man OP   Man
over a year ago

There and to the left a bit


"For both humility, respect and an ability to communicate effectively.

Humility so you realise you always have something to learn.

Respect for anyone you interact with.

Ability to communicate effectively so whichever side of the coin you're on you're fulfilling your own and the other person's needs. Be guided by these basics and arm yourself with knowledge.

These basic rules don't just apply to some doms or subs in my opinion."

A very good "in a nutshell" answer and all those things are key for sure - I think it's also key to have a level of knowledge too, which is often where problems arise and you end up with as you say, those basic rules not being applied

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By *emini Man OP   Man
over a year ago

There and to the left a bit


"I am probably not the best to kick this off, but I’ll put in my two penn’orth.

Someone for whom the mental play is as important as the physical. Someone who makes me feel respected outside of a play framework so that I can make myself vulnerable within it. Someone who can read me well so that they can anticipate my desires and reflect them back to me. And someone who isn’t too bound up in rules and etiquette, is imaginative and mixes things up.thats similar to what id go with i the mental and antisipaion games got to be there as well as creativity to do your own thing not follow rules others setexample im not a great fan of being called sir i know its respect but it grates on me i like my name but im very new learning on the job you could say but i know what i want and instict tells me what she wants"

There's nothing to say honorifics have to be used though - if you're not comfortable with it, don't use them, or come up with something you are comfortable with - I often think that *some* insist on their use not out of respect or anything like that, but from a need for a sense of self-validation.

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By *emini Man OP   Man
over a year ago

There and to the left a bit


"Simple answer - connection.

Someone can be a great dominant to their previous submissive but it doesnt work for you and vice versa.

The amount of guys that say I'm a great dominant with x number of years on the BDSM scene and then I find nope not for me. "

Absolutely it's about connection, probably even more so than in the swinging world, as a submissive I can't just give myself to anyone, I need to "feel" submissive to that person and that is probably one of the reasons my experience is limited.

What is it for you though that gives rise to that connection with a dominant? Any particularly traits or styles you look for in one?

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By *emini Man OP   Man
over a year ago

There and to the left a bit


"Trust in the domme to stick with yoir no nos"

That's an absolute given - but what qualities do you look for in a Domme?

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"For both humility, respect and an ability to communicate effectively.

Humility so you realise you always have something to learn.

Respect for anyone you interact with.

Ability to communicate effectively so whichever side of the coin you're on you're fulfilling your own and the other person's needs. Be guided by these basics and arm yourself with knowledge.

These basic rules don't just apply to some doms or subs in my opinion.

A very good "in a nutshell" answer and all those things are key for sure - I think it's also key to have a level of knowledge too, which is often where problems arise and you end up with as you say, those basic rules not being applied "

I didn't mean to put the word "some" in there. I think these criteria apply to any dynamic between people.

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By *emini Man OP   Man
over a year ago

There and to the left a bit


"For both humility, respect and an ability to communicate effectively.

Humility so you realise you always have something to learn.

Respect for anyone you interact with.

Ability to communicate effectively so whichever side of the coin you're on you're fulfilling your own and the other person's needs. Be guided by these basics and arm yourself with knowledge.

These basic rules don't just apply to some doms or subs in my opinion.

A very good "in a nutshell" answer and all those things are key for sure - I think it's also key to have a level of knowledge too, which is often where problems arise and you end up with as you say, those basic rules not being applied

I didn't mean to put the word "some" in there. I think these criteria apply to any dynamic between people. "

And I meant to take it out when I fixed it for you too

But you're right they're key to not only a D/s dynamic but any relationship and I think there are a lot of similar parallels - yes the individual elements may be completely different, but the underlying principles are the same

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Something we’d like to know too. We like the idea of learning about it but sooo many doms come across as basic control freaks. Is it reasonable to expect somebody to turn it on in the bedroom but be a normal, cooperative person outside of it?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Something we’d like to know too. We like the idea of learning about it but sooo many doms come across as basic control freaks. Is it reasonable to expect somebody to turn it on in the bedroom but be a normal, cooperative person outside of it?"

Yes. I think it absolutely is. But I also think that VERY few people are able to frame shift in that way. The people I play with in this way absolutely treat me as an equal when we have clothes on, but they’ve been hard to find and are like diamonds in dust.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Something we’d like to know too. We like the idea of learning about it but sooo many doms come across as basic control freaks. Is it reasonable to expect somebody to turn it on in the bedroom but be a normal, cooperative person outside of it?

Yes. I think it absolutely is. But I also think that VERY few people are able to frame shift in that way. The people I play with in this way absolutely treat me as an equal when we have clothes on, but they’ve been hard to find and are like diamonds in dust."

Ah, thank you. That’s what we have found, just no diamonds among the dust yet. I guess just keep going.

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By *kexpat81Man
over a year ago

Aldgate

To me I normally find the girls either have it in them or not to be a domme as opposed to a role play domme.

Normally something in their eyes.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Something we’d like to know too. We like the idea of learning about it but sooo many doms come across as basic control freaks. Is it reasonable to expect somebody to turn it on in the bedroom but be a normal, cooperative person outside of it?

Yes. I think it absolutely is. But I also think that VERY few people are able to frame shift in that way. The people I play with in this way absolutely treat me as an equal when we have clothes on, but they’ve been hard to find and are like diamonds in dust.

Ah, thank you. That’s what we have found, just no diamonds among the dust yet. I guess just keep going."

It took me ages and they didn’t identify as enjoying Dom sub play. They are just imaginative kinky people and it grew from there.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I am probably not the best to kick this off, but I’ll put in my two penn’orth.

Someone for whom the mental play is as important as the physical. Someone who makes me feel respected outside of a play framework so that I can make myself vulnerable within it. Someone who can read me well so that they can anticipate my desires and reflect them back to me. And someone who isn’t too bound up in rules and etiquette, is imaginative and mixes things up.thats similar to what id go with i the mental and antisipaion games got to be there as well as creativity to do your own thing not follow rules others setexample im not a great fan of being called sir i know its respect but it grates on me i like my name but im very new learning on the job you could say but i know what i want and instict tells me what she wants

There's nothing to say honorifics have to be used though - if you're not comfortable with it, don't use them, or come up with something you are comfortable with - I often think that *some* insist on their use not out of respect or anything like that, but from a need for a sense of self-validation."

Thank you kinky yoda

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Something we’d like to know too. We like the idea of learning about it but sooo many doms come across as basic control freaks. Is it reasonable to expect somebody to turn it on in the bedroom but be a normal, cooperative person outside of it?

Yes. I think it absolutely is. But I also think that VERY few people are able to frame shift in that way. The people I play with in this way absolutely treat me as an equal when we have clothes on, but they’ve been hard to find and are like diamonds in dust.

Ah, thank you. That’s what we have found, just no diamonds among the dust yet. I guess just keep going.

It took me ages and they didn’t identify as enjoying Dom sub play. They are just imaginative kinky people and it grew from there."

That makes a lot of sense. Our idea has been to find a guy who dominates us a bit in the bedroom (not cuckolding but more relinquishing control) but perhaps we build with one of our current friends or even I take that role and our partners submit. Or MissJ takes the reins - she’s fairly direct in what she wants anyway. God it’s a big subject!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What makes a good Dominant or submissive?

For me the basics are the keys to “good” play - open and honest communication, trust and respect.

It is about learning your partners boundaries/limits and goals, building up a level of trust and respecting those boundaries when you play.

The rest of it - the control, the forcefulness, the dominance, the submission, the acceptance, the obedience comes from that initial understand of each other and building on that open communication.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I am probably not the best to kick this off, but I’ll put in my two penn’orth.

Someone for whom the mental play is as important as the physical. Someone who makes me feel respected outside of a play framework so that I can make myself vulnerable within it. Someone who can read me well so

that they can anticipate my desires and reflect them back to me. And someone who isn’t too bound up in rules and etiquette, is imaginative and mixes things up."

Agree with this

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Simple answer - connection.

Someone can be a great dominant to their previous submissive but it doesnt work for you and vice versa.

The amount of guys that say I'm a great dominant with x number of years on the BDSM scene and then I find nope not for me.

Absolutely it's about connection, probably even more so than in the swinging world, as a submissive I can't just give myself to anyone, I need to "feel" submissive to that person and that is probably one of the reasons my experience is limited.

What is it for you though that gives rise to that connection with a dominant? Any particularly traits or styles you look for in one?"

I honestly don't know because I've struggled to allow myself to submit in recent years. When I first took a interest in bdsm I was lucky as I met a dominant who understood my needs. Now I've struggled to find one. Being able to read me is the most important thing for me in finding a dominant. But too many men have a dominant nature so assume they are doms when they are far from it.

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By *emini Man OP   Man
over a year ago

There and to the left a bit


"Simple answer - connection.

Someone can be a great dominant to their previous submissive but it doesnt work for you and vice versa.

The amount of guys that say I'm a great dominant with x number of years on the BDSM scene and then I find nope not for me.

Absolutely it's about connection, probably even more so than in the swinging world, as a submissive I can't just give myself to anyone, I need to "feel" submissive to that person and that is probably one of the reasons my experience is limited.

What is it for you though that gives rise to that connection with a dominant? Any particularly traits or styles you look for in one?

I honestly don't know because I've struggled to allow myself to submit in recent years. When I first took a interest in bdsm I was lucky as I met a dominant who understood my needs. Now I've struggled to find one. Being able to read me is the most important thing for me in finding a dominant. But too many men have a dominant nature so assume they are doms when they are far from it. "

Can relate to that totally - think in the time I've had an interest in BDSM that I've only encountered maybe two people who I've truly "felt" submissive to, and that is key for me.

Sympathise totally too that for a submissive woman the confusion of some men as to what being dominant is can make finding "the one" difficult and even fraught with danger.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"A completely subjective question I know, and I expect a variety of answers, but comments on another thread got me to wondering.

So if BDSM, or even kink play, is a part of your play, or even if it isn't, what makes a good dominant or submissive for you?

There are no wrong answers as such, so long as consent and knowledge form part of it, as I said it's subjective and a very individual thing.

I have my own thoughts, but will hold back for now, as I don't want to skew the shape of the thread from the start."

For either.. A firm idea of what they'd hope may happen, but flexible and adaptable Honesty, openness and trust.

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By *emini Man OP   Man
over a year ago

There and to the left a bit


"What makes a good Dominant or submissive?

For me the basics are the keys to “good” play - open and honest communication, trust and respect.

It is about learning your partners boundaries/limits and goals, building up a level of trust and respecting those boundaries when you play.

The rest of it - the control, the forcefulness, the dominance, the submission, the acceptance, the obedience comes from that initial understand of each other and building on that open communication. "

An excellent way to look at it - all of those things are vital and very much a two way thing.

I personally believe that dominants and submissives are equals that just sit on opposite sides of the same coin and as such mutual respect, trust and honesty as well as two way communication are key.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"

An excellent way to look at it - all of those things are vital and very much a two way thing.

I personally believe that dominants and submissives are equals that just sit on opposite sides of the same coin and as such mutual respect, trust and honesty as well as two way communication are key."

Without a doubt Dominants and submissive’s are equal - one without the other is nothing.

If a submissive communicates effectively with me then I am able to adjust my dominance to those levels and vice versa. Without that honest and open communication then you are in a very dangerous grey area.

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By *iyuWoman
over a year ago

Cheltenham

I'd say what makes a good sub and dom are the following--open communication & a connection.

Dom- confidence, aware of what the subs needs are, willing to gently push their boundaries, introduction to new things, help them achieve personal goals, offering excellent after care, taking their time, respectful of the gift that the sub is giving.

Sub- confidence, willingness to be pushed, not afraid to speak the safe word, willing to learn, aware of themselves.

I'm not exactly a gentle domme, however I do care a lot about my pet and want to see him thrive and grow because of our dynamic.

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By *emini Man OP   Man
over a year ago

There and to the left a bit


"

An excellent way to look at it - all of those things are vital and very much a two way thing.

I personally believe that dominants and submissives are equals that just sit on opposite sides of the same coin and as such mutual respect, trust and honesty as well as two way communication are key.

Without a doubt Dominants and submissive’s are equal - one without the other is nothing.

If a submissive communicates effectively with me then I am able to adjust my dominance to those levels and vice versa. Without that honest and open communication then you are in a very dangerous grey area."

Again spot on, sadly though there are many on both sides of the coin that don't get or see that - from dominants who think their word goes, to submissives who don't think they have a word and should just blindly follow.

Of course before you can communicate needs, desires and interests, you have to know what they are, sadly all too often we see people on here who express an interest in BDSM but display not even a basic grasp of what they expect from it - which leads you to question how they communicate that to a potential partner.

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By *issyfaggotfayeTV/TS
over a year ago

Bolton

When I domme someone, I usually find that my experience as a sub helps a lot.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"When I domme someone, I usually find that my experience as a sub helps a lot. "

When I first started out asa Dominant I was mentored by two wonderful Dommes. One of the best things they did for me was to make me experience what it is like to be a submissive. That experience really helped my to understand physically and emotionally what a submissive goes through in a session and the effects of sub drop.

It is due to that experience that I empathise and understand submission so much better.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I fall into place with a dominant man naturally. Once I'm in my little place I'll do whatever he asks of me.

I know that he won't be one of those power hungry men who just likes abusing weak women, shouting orders or getting carried away with the moment.

He will always be in control.

And he will care very deeply for me, as I will him.

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By *issyfaggotfayeTV/TS
over a year ago

Bolton


"When I domme someone, I usually find that my experience as a sub helps a lot.

When I first started out asa Dominant I was mentored by two wonderful Dommes. One of the best things they did for me was to make me experience what it is like to be a submissive. That experience really helped my to understand physically and emotionally what a submissive goes through in a session and the effects of sub drop.

It is due to that experience that I empathise and understand submission so much better. "

Precisley xxx

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By *egasus NobMan
over a year ago

Wandsworth

listening and drawing out a hard boundary for which the sub gets pleasure in what they are subjected to before the dom. You need a kinky, perverted sub, she has to be able to trust you that you will not do something stupid to jeopardise her wellbeing and safety.

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By *ensualMan
over a year ago

Sutton

I take the most important part of "D/S relationship" as being "relationship". I think a healthy relationship allows most of the points mentioned already to be part of the dynamic between the parties. Communication, connection, trust, and liking each other, etc.

I also think different relationships have different requirement so factors vary. So a LDR will work differently from a long term once a week meet where both have other primary partners.

Personally I admit if I dom rather than top, I am an "Old School" dom and as someone described it to me " it is being a benevolent dictator". I am also openly into impact and sensation as a regular part of the relationship. I think people get confused about us baton wielders and lump us into the basket called "bad".

It is not the fact that people who like impact are bad, the issue is where people have either been subject to impact without consent, or without fully understanding the consent they are giving, or by someone who is unskilled. Then understandably they put impact lovers into the "psycho" box. As with all things the impact and the type and level of impact has has to be consensual and desired. I used to meet someone at a peer rope who loved to be tied and her pressure points pressed... hard. She would smile and giggle. But it was all discussed before hand each time we played and desired, not just blindly accepted.

This is where I have an issue with submissive's who expect me to read their minds. I will admit I am low on body reading skills and have stopped play in the middle of a sub's orgasm to check they are alright!

I only play or have relationships with subs that are willing and able to vocalise consent and their condition. Yes, in a long term relationship people will understand each other and the dom may be able anticipate matters.

That is why there is a duty of honesty on submissive to say what is on their mind (in a polite and respectful way) even if it is "Are you f@cking sure, Sir!"

Personally I would be wary of assuming in a new relationship (and even in an established relationship), for two reasons. Firstly, if I get it wrong someone could be hurt, and although there is always risk of harm (in rope or in impact), it should be clearly accepted risk of harm. It worries me that people put themselves in harms way assuming without further questioning or discussion their needs will be anticipated. Secondly I like my (goodish) reputation and my liberty.

However people have different dynamics and I am not going to tell people what they should do. I am only setting out what works for me.

I don't distinguish the BD from the SM as the same rules of relationship apply, in my view, to both.

But at the end of the day whether as a dom or a sub it should be fun and not a constant chore. Like any relationship there are points of struggle. But even if it being put through the equivalent of the wringer, it is done for both side's fun. Although I know there are submissive's who do things they hate because they enjoy their submission. So it's their type of fun.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think it's lovely to have the freedom to discuss it with sensible, intelligent, experienced people without being shouted down and called mentally ill for expressing even the mildest interest in BDSM/Roleplay or S&D.

I mean how the Hell are you supposed to help people explore what they think they may be interested in. If those with the best knowledge can't pass it on to others.

Well done OP, you set the right tone on an interesting subject

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By *ensualMan
over a year ago

Sutton


"I think it's lovely to have the freedom to discuss it with sensible, intelligent, experienced people without being shouted down and called mentally ill for expressing even the mildest interest in BDSM/Roleplay or S&D.

I mean how the Hell are you supposed to help people explore what they think they may be interested in. If those with the best knowledge can't pass it on to others.

Well done OP, you set the right tone on an interesting subject "

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By *inkycreamCouple
over a year ago

manchester

Forward planning, good communication, leading to heaps of fun. Not taking it to serious.

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By *piritsonfabCouple
over a year ago

Nottingham

Communication is key. Connection is vital. Trust and respect within the ordinary relationship before the D/s even comes into play. Then after that, being open to learning, open to trying new thingals, humble and patient. And that applies to both sides.

Of course, not at all easy to find, even (or especially) with the "I've been a pro Dom for a hundred years and have trained a thousand subs" type.

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