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"Whats that all about? I’ve had so many men contact me about this and from their approaches it seems to consist of handing yourself over to someone you barely know for an entirely undefined set of sctivities, probably involving sex with one or more people selected by them, and probably mostly blindfold. There seems to be enormous reluctance to define what is involved, how long it will take or what the limits are. I could speculate on the reasons for that (cough - fantasists), but has ANYONE EVER gone through with anything like this? And to the ‘doms’ out there who approach people in this way, how, given the lack of information can this be safe, sane and properly consensual? And this isn’t a post-50 Shades phenomenon, ‘training’ as a hackneyed trope in BDSM stories has been around since at least The Training of O. What I don’t understand is how , mostly, men think grown ass adults will hand themselves over to people in this fashion in real life without detailed information, discussion of limits, establishment of trust through interaction and a healthy dose of respect and reality? Informed thoughts and views welcome." Bondage / Discipline Submission and Master..... Great if your'e into it........ scary if not  | |||
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"Like you say no person in their right mind would willingly allow a stranger to train them . There has to be a connection furst It might not take long to get that connection A few dates maybe and they just click . Your profile suggests you like s/m , spanking etc so they are presuming you need a Dom or someone to teach you the ropes " I’m very interested in D/s and power exchange, but that doesn’t equate to being a naive fool. Why would I hand myself over to someone for activities undisclosed? | |||
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"Whats that all about? I’ve had so many men contact me about this and from their approaches it seems to consist of handing yourself over to someone you barely know for an entirely undefined set of sctivities, probably involving sex with one or more people selected by them, and probably mostly blindfold. There seems to be enormous reluctance to define what is involved, how long it will take or what the limits are. I could speculate on the reasons for that (cough - fantasists), but has ANYONE EVER gone through with anything like this? And to the ‘doms’ out there who approach people in this way, how, given the lack of information can this be safe, sane and properly consensual? And this isn’t a post-50 Shades phenomenon, ‘training’ as a hackneyed trope in BDSM stories has been around since at least The Training of O. What I don’t understand is how , mostly, men think grown ass adults will hand themselves over to people in this fashion in real life without detailed information, discussion of limits, establishment of trust through interaction and a healthy dose of respect and reality? Informed thoughts and views welcome." I get TONS of requests for training. When I have subs I do "train" in that I'd discuss what I expect from them but also what they can expect from me. We go over different types of play and agree on limits etc. I teach them not to cum unless permitted etc. SSC is essential and there are too many 50 shades wannabes out there. Some got themselves into dangerous and abusive situations before talking to me. Even if I'm not going to meet them I see it as my responsibility to teach them proper BDSM practice. | |||
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"I think it’s at least 90 percent mind play in s/m The sub controls most of it with the general ground rules and boundaries . If the dom truly knows her he will do exactly what’s required to make her tick Sex is as little or as much as they both put into it " Agreed, from someone who doesn't do roleplay,fetishwear or the like, for me it is a head game and I might be in "control" but the sub can decide to stop or continue. No sub = no play.  | |||
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"I think it’s at least 90 percent mind play in s/m The sub controls most of it with the general ground rules and boundaries . If the dom truly knows her he will do exactly what’s required to make her tick Sex is as little or as much as they both put into it Agreed, from someone who doesn't do roleplay,fetishwear or the like, for me it is a head game and I might be in "control" but the sub can decide to stop or continue. No sub = no play. " | |||
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"Whats that all about? I’ve had so many men contact me about this and from their approaches it seems to consist of handing yourself over to someone you barely know for an entirely undefined set of sctivities, probably involving sex with one or more people selected by them, and probably mostly blindfold. There seems to be enormous reluctance to define what is involved, how long it will take or what the limits are. I could speculate on the reasons for that (cough - fantasists), but has ANYONE EVER gone through with anything like this? And to the ‘doms’ out there who approach people in this way, how, given the lack of information can this be safe, sane and properly consensual? And this isn’t a post-50 Shades phenomenon, ‘training’ as a hackneyed trope in BDSM stories has been around since at least The Training of O. What I don’t understand is how , mostly, men think grown ass adults will hand themselves over to people in this fashion in real life without detailed information, discussion of limits, establishment of trust through interaction and a healthy dose of respect and reality? Informed thoughts and views welcome." I'm "trained" in ropework. Although I only went to 1 lesson so I'm not an expert. Most people who decide they like bdsm think they are "experts" But there are health and safety things to consider. Tieing people up isn't for amatures. It's only like disgorging a pike when fishing type danger though. Once you are aware of danger it's relatively simple. | |||
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"I think it’s at least 90 percent mind play in s/m The sub controls most of it with the general ground rules and boundaries . If the dom truly knows her he will do exactly what’s required to make her tick Sex is as little or as much as they both put into it " That’s very much the way I feel about it from my dabblings in the area. So how man unknown thinks he can deliver anything of consequence without knowing me completely escapes me. | |||
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"For me, I have to really trust the Domme, & know her to a degree. Just jumping into it with a stranger is total madness to me. People who state they have no limits whatsoever also strike me as a little unhinged, no offence intended to anyone.." The other thing about limits is that I may not know all my limits, or they may change over time. Until I try things or they come up in conversation I may not have thought of them, or the reality may be different from the fantasy. One initial limits conversation and then a working assumption that anything not mentioned is OK is not good enough. I’ve encountered problems with that attitude in the past. | |||
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"Done it, but did have vanilla meets before hand, went over my boundaries, likes and dislikes. Really enjoyed it.. but it was intense. Not something I would do now being a couple. " When you say ‘done it’ do you mean some kind of ‘training’. Was it over the course of several meets and did you have a say in what went on? | |||
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"I think it’s at least 90 percent mind play in s/m The sub controls most of it with the general ground rules and boundaries . If the dom truly knows her he will do exactly what’s required to make her tick Sex is as little or as much as they both put into it " Exactly this | |||
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"I've never understood the "Ownership " thing either, as in; ...I own her/him or I want to be owned .. each to their own of course but I just don't understand how it works " For a sub it can mean security and love, for a Dom it's having that feeling of being needed and wanted 24/7 Too intense for me tbh. | |||
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"For me, I have to really trust the Domme, & know her to a degree. Just jumping into it with a stranger is total madness to me. People who state they have no limits whatsoever also strike me as a little unhinged, no offence intended to anyone.. The other thing about limits is that I may not know all my limits, or they may change over time. Until I try things or they come up in conversation I may not have thought of them, or the reality may be different from the fantasy. One initial limits conversation and then a working assumption that anything not mentioned is OK is not good enough. I’ve encountered problems with that attitude in the past." Yeah, for me, part of the fun is pushing my limits, & that applies to the dominant as well, sometimes the limits the dom may want to push, is a hard limit for the sub. These things need to be discussed beforehand. And even then, as you say, sometimes fantasies are quite different in reality, & sometimes the sub isnt in a position to vocalise any kind of safeword.. | |||
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"I've never understood the "Ownership " thing either, as in; ...I own her/him or I want to be owned .. each to their own of course but I just don't understand how it works " I’ve lost count of the times I’ve been told that I ‘yearn’ to be ‘owned’. Unless you are in a 24/7 relationship I just don’t understand how that might work. Nor would I ever enter into such a thing. | |||
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"Being "trained" is really just more extreme things. BDSM gets abit "social constructy" there are alot of weirdos and left wing types vs masturbaters who watch 50 shades.....and psudo psychiatrists.. People who would live in Portland usa Then people who are really new to it who think their eyes have been opened to some new taboo. Really it's just abit of slap and tickle.. it's fun if you don't let it take over your life and relationship. " But, and I am by far not the only one to have made this observation, people take it SO seriously, with their Big Book of BDSM Rules, ‘there are four types of sub’, quotes from BDSM lore etc. | |||
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"I've never understood the "Ownership " thing either, as in; ...I own her/him or I want to be owned .. each to their own of course but I just don't understand how it works " I want to a munch once and a lady said: "I AM HIS SLAVE! I AM HIS SLAVE! I'M NOT ALLOWED TO TALK TO OTHER MEN" I though that was bizzare...verry bizzare... Another time I was at a femdom event and I was made to "foot worship" a disgusting smelly femenist who stank! She later got removed from the party for attacking the event organizer for being "transphobic"...because although the event had trans people...there wasn't enough effort made on part of other labels she had. (Genuine event in manchester) I like bdsm. I don't like swinging. But I only bother with conservative people who like bdsm. These wierd "Polly" construct people don't make any sence. Also bdsm "lifestyle" isn't about taking over every aspect of life and relationship...which is absurd. | |||
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"Oh, I have fun with those dimdoms before letting them down. I can appreciate your frustration, OP. As you said, those messages are quite often patronising, hilariously vague and they get very upset when you question them. Everyone has a different dynamic with different people. Some subs want the whole training package, to be taught how to be someone’s slave, but to presume that without asking is, quite frankly, insulting to the rest of us who ascribe to a different flavour of D/s. " Yes. Thank you for recognising it as frustration rather than anger. | |||
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"I've never understood the "Ownership " thing either, as in; ...I own her/him or I want to be owned .. each to their own of course but I just don't understand how it works For a sub it can mean security and love, for a Dom it's having that feeling of being needed and wanted 24/7 Too intense for me tbh." Thank you for your contributions. It’s really good to hear from someone in the scene. I would have messaged you privately but, sob, I’m too old. What kind of ‘training’ do you put your subs through? | |||
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"Being "trained" is really just more extreme things. BDSM gets abit "social constructy" there are alot of weirdos and left wing types vs masturbaters who watch 50 shades.....and psudo psychiatrists.. People who would live in Portland usa Then people who are really new to it who think their eyes have been opened to some new taboo. Really it's just abit of slap and tickle.. it's fun if you don't let it take over your life and relationship. But, and I am by far not the only one to have made this observation, people take it SO seriously, with their Big Book of BDSM Rules, ‘there are four types of sub’, quotes from BDSM lore etc." Exactly. 100% agree hear. I'm actually into bdsm. I've been aware of it for about 8 years. I think I had the same mentality (for a brief period) before I figured it out. They start doing something new then they invent wierd constructs and psudo psychiatry. I want to my own psychiatrist/neurologist and told them I liked bdsm. They told me it was "irrelevant"...it just shows creative and artistic tendencies. I don't think I'm a type. I can be sub/dom/vanilla. I genuinely like bdsm and sometimes the events are fun. But some get abit wierd and clicky. I'm on "the other websight" (parthunax2). BDSM was abit polarized but I stuck with it as a minour hobby. "The other websight" was polarized but I found most of the social construct people don't even enjoy the practical side of bdsm. They are just expert wankers. | |||
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"The thread contains the usual the tropes from people who don't enjoy bdsm and the usual 50SOG and dim dom bashing. Having recently heard awful war stories from subs, I don't, in principle, feel the need to criticise dim doms. This is because dim doms are the fetish equivalent of people who send dick pics. They are obvious in regard to their capabilities or lack of them. The people to be worried about are those who can fake empathy and are good at emotional manipulation, the suave, intelligent Wolf. They are good are scenting people's weakness and desires and using them. BDSM is a simple exchange i.e having your deepest desires satisfied (whether sub or dom/me) from another (or more) person(s) in a safe and ethical manner. What is difficult is finding the right person (s). This takes patience, but not many subs or dom/mes have the patience. They want to jump into the 'experience'. I am more critical from a dom's perspective as in my experience too many subs don't know what they want or understand that kink is no different from the real world where mis-matched expectations, predators and incompetence abound. To be precise how many new subs really want to take time to get to know the scene? How many new subs take time to get to know a dom? Seriously a coffee social may separate the dom dom but tells you nothing about the Wolf. How many subs really know what they want? I love scaring subs who say "I do anything". I always say 'I am just getting my baseball bat'. So to be considering the concept of training it is where the two have decided they want a deeper relationship. Training can be about getting to know the other and can take different forms. It can be where a sub who has a desire to serve wants to learn what will make the dom/me happy and the sub is willing to do those things. Another form and where the concept of training has been corrupted (not by 50SOG) by particular web sites that emanate from a website that has Kink as it's main name. The scenes on this site involve 'training' which as others have pointed out basically means sex in various forms. This in itself is fine provided everyone knows what they are getting in to. Another form of training can be the sub wanting to develop a part of themselves but finds it easier if someone puts a structure in place. This can range from working up to be able to take a certain amount of strokes from a cane. It can be ensuring they do their academic work or going to the gym. On the flip side it can be the dom/me insisting on these things. The concept of training in itself is not a bad thing. As is with all things bdsm it should be consensual, understood and agreed. I am not a great believer in Safe Sane and Consensual. As little on the darker end of bdsm is safe or sane. It is for me a question of full disclosure on both sides and both knowing what they are getting into. A sane person would not go rock climbing without finding out about it or climb with the first person that says they are an expert climber. Therefore I believe in Personal responsibility Informed Consensual Kink. The danger of 50SOG is not the so called dim doms, but it can lead romantically inclined people to get involved in bdsm thinking it is all about happy endings. " A great thoughtful and informed post. Thank you. | |||
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" Do what you enjoy and have a laugh doing if ain’t fun don’t do it. " I go along with this  | |||
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"Just recently swapped a number of messages with a so called dom.Seemed to be going quite well untill he sent me a pic of him dressed in lingerie.Sort of took the moment away." LOL, more of a lamb than a wolf then  | |||
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"Just recently swapped a number of messages with a so called dom.Seemed to be going quite well untill he sent me a pic of him dressed in lingerie.Sort of took the moment away." I’m sure that would melt the ice cream so to speak, | |||
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"If you are a true sub you would soon recognise a true Dom. If you are unsure talk to subs not Doms. The relationship is a intense balance of emotional/intellectual/physical play. And that balance is paramount." Absolutely, you should get straight answers from other (real) subs. | |||
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"If you are a true sub you would soon recognise a true Dom. If you are unsure talk to subs not Doms. The relationship is a intense balance of emotional/intellectual/physical play. And that balance is paramount." I’d never tell someone I was a ‘true’ sub. I’m pretty switchy and see no need to apologise for that. Power can be expressed in many ways, many of them very subtle and I think the power balance between me and another varies hugely according to who the other is. I don’t imagine that’s particularly unusual. | |||
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"I've never understood the "Ownership " thing either, as in; ...I own her/him or I want to be owned .. each to their own of course but I just don't understand how it works For a sub it can mean security and love, for a Dom it's having that feeling of being needed and wanted 24/7 Too intense for me tbh. Thank you for your contributions. It’s really good to hear from someone in the scene. I would have messaged you privately but, sob, I’m too old. What kind of ‘training’ do you put your subs through?" Really depends on the sub... sorry if that's vague but one sub I'll be verbally strict with and another gets a gentler touch. "Training" to me is getting to know each other and building up trust and exploring the dynamic between you. | |||
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"100% agree with this. It's key in our relationship." My response was meant to include the quote from this post! “The relationship is a intense balance of emotional/intellectual/physical play. And that balance is paramount.” Not the randomness of sending people messages about “training” | |||
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"Whats that all about? I’ve had so many men contact me about this and from their approaches it seems to consist of handing yourself over to someone you barely know for an entirely undefined set of sctivities, probably involving sex with one or more people selected by them, and probably mostly blindfold. There seems to be enormous reluctance to define what is involved, how long it will take or what the limits are. I could speculate on the reasons for that (cough - fantasists), but has ANYONE EVER gone through with anything like this? And to the ‘doms’ out there who approach people in this way, how, given the lack of information can this be safe, sane and properly consensual? And this isn’t a post-50 Shades phenomenon, ‘training’ as a hackneyed trope in BDSM stories has been around since at least The Training of O. What I don’t understand is how , mostly, men think grown ass adults will hand themselves over to people in this fashion in real life without detailed information, discussion of limits, establishment of trust through interaction and a healthy dose of respect and reality? Informed thoughts and views welcome." Never tried it but I would 100% hand myself over to a woman or even women for them to do whatever they deem necessary to me with no doubt in my mind blindfold me tie me up I will only live once might aswel live it large x | |||
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"It's usually the idiots the think 50 shades of shite is a good representation of bdsm who suggest this kind of "training" "50 shades is just one big joke . nothing like the real bdsm world | |||
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"Will you still be saying that when you are beaten til you bleed and have half an arm up your ass? (I wouldn't do this to you. Or would I? )" an experience Dom/domme should know when to stop beating someone unless they are an out and out sadist or some complete clueless numpty. There are,quite a few of the latter on here | |||
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"Will you still be saying that when you are beaten til you bleed and have half an arm up your ass? (I wouldn't do this to you. Or would I? )an experience Dom/domme should know when to stop beating someone unless they are an out and out sadist or some complete clueless numpty. There are,quite a few of the latter on here " Exactly. But he didn't say he would happily put himself in the hands of an experienced Domme. He said any woman. So chances are he could end up in the hands of a sadist or a clueless numpty. | |||
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"And to the ‘doms’ out there who approach people in this way, how, given the lack of information can this be safe, sane and properly consensual?" I missed this in my initial reply so here is take two. I don't approach submissives with offers of 'training' and introducing them to the 'wonders of bdsm'. I don't approach submissives at all as that could be perceived as predatory behaviour. When submissives approach me I take time to find out what they want out of a Dom/sub relationship. It isn't all about sex and a potential sub has to be very careful as to who they elect to submit to. When engaging in bdsm play a submissive can put themselves into very vulnerable situations so trust is key. A submissive needs to trust that a Dom will not step over boundaries and has their best interests at heart. A Dom needs to trust that a submissive will use a safe word system to warn them if they are about to cross a line. Communication is essential in identifying boundaries and objective. I sit down with new submissives and go through a 30 page questionnaire covering everything from activities to health issues and disabilities. Boring yes, but informative and enlightening for most subs as it can help them work out what they are really looking for. This questionnaire for me is incredibly useful as after filling it in I will know all of a submissives hard limits, soft limits and also the sorts of things that interest them. If anyone want a copy of the questionaire to use for themselves just drop me a message. In conclusion, communication and knowledge of limits together with trust are incredibly important. If a prospective Dom is not asking YOU what YOU want then they are looking out only for themselves and you will just be a notch on their belt. A Dom/sub relationship is a symbiosis with both sides enjoying the others enjoyment of the activity in a trusting and nurturing environment. It isn't all about hitting each other with cricket bats and that stupid book. That's enough waffling from me, I now return you to your normal tv program.  | |||
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"I often wonder the same thing OP. Not just regarding serious BDSM and 'training', it's amazing how many status updates I see along the lines of "who wants tied up and blindfolded tonight?" Yeah like why not make myself entirely vulnerable to a total stranger... What could possibly go wrong?? And yeah guys say "I have no limits I'm up for anything" that amuses me so I say ok how about needles through your nipples, my fist in your ass and some stinging nettles on your cock? They soon find they have limits then!! And the ones that insist they have no limits I know are just fantasists. They don't need limits as it will never be more than something in their head to wank to. Winds me up too when guys start telling me they will give me "tasks", some can be fun. But no I will not walk down my street naked or flash my pussy at work for your gratification, being arrested losing my job and finding myself on the sexual offenders register kinda spoils the fun for me! And as for guys that think I should let other guys fuck me bare as it's a 'command' yeah I think not. If they want me to put myself at risk they clearly don't care. One guy wanted to take me to a porn cinema and let all the guys fuck me bare. Of course he would just be watching. As long as he was not at risk eh. He was told to fuck right off. I am rambling a bit now but I agree that there are predators and crazies presenting themselves as caring Dom's and those are the ones that are most dangerous. But I try to remember this is true in the whole of fab in general. My rule of thumb is always listen to your gut. If it is telling you something isn't quite right, believe it "
Absolutely, anyone making you do dangerous or risky things is not a Dom, they are a cockwomble out for their own thrills at your expense. A Dom should never put a sub at risk or in any danger. You are spot on trust your gut instincts and never let anyone tie you up unless you are 100% sure that you can trust them. | |||
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"I’ve lost count of the times I’ve been told that I ‘yearn’ to be ‘owned’. Unless you are in a 24/7 relationship I just don’t understand how that might work. Nor would I ever enter into such a thing." This is weird. Surely you know that, not them. Maybe if I'd read 50 Shades I'd know what was going on in their heads, as it is, I haven't and can only guess. In a way it's nice that 50 Shades has interested more people in BDSM but from what I read on here the quality of the book and the newcomers leaves a bit to be desired! I guess that it'll settle down eventually, after all everyone is a beginner at the start of whatever they are doing. A few more years and there might be a bumper crop of experienced Subs and Doms
Mike xx | |||
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"There's somewhat a difference between a dom/domme and a serial killer lol I'm never been with a dom as I stated above but if a woman or women ask if they could be my mistress and there was a line drawn somewhere in the arisen then I would definitely be submissive and worship her/them don't mind hot wax, spanking, being told im worthless, nipples clamped and cock encaged, blindfolded and tied to the bed but once it actually becomes disturbing like needles or or skin piercing, blood drawing large chain saw or a couple of machetes ild be out of there like shit of a shovel lol" Only an amateur would bring the chainsaw or machete out before you were securely tied down and gagged | |||
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"There's somewhat a difference between a dom/domme and a serial killer lol I'm never been with a dom as I stated above but if a woman or women ask if they could be my mistress and there was a line drawn somewhere in the arisen then I would definitely be submissive and worship her/them don't mind hot wax, spanking, being told im worthless, nipples clamped and cock encaged, blindfolded and tied to the bed but once it actually becomes disturbing like needles or or skin piercing, blood drawing large chain saw or a couple of machetes ild be out of there like shit of a shovel lol Only an amateur would bring the chainsaw or machete out before you were securely tied down and gagged" shit yeah I'm already tied up fuck I'm dead good bye world I'm coming to hell diced haha | |||
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"I’ve lost count of the times I’ve been told that I ‘yearn’ to be ‘owned’. Unless you are in a 24/7 relationship I just don’t understand how that might work. Nor would I ever enter into such a thing. This is weird. Surely you know that, not them. Maybe if I'd read 50 Shades I'd know what was going on in their heads, as it is, I haven't and can only guess. In a way it's nice that 50 Shades has interested more people in BDSM but from what I read on here the quality of the book and the newcomers leaves a bit to be desired! I guess that it'll settle down eventually, after all everyone is a beginner at the start of whatever they are doing. A few more years and there might be a bumper crop of experienced Subs and Doms
Mike xx"I’m not convinced that 50 Shades has brought BDSM to the masses. It was hardly a secret before the books. But maybe it has made it more publicly acceptable so people are more open about their kink. | |||
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"I’ve lost count of the times I’ve been told that I ‘yearn’ to be ‘owned’. Unless you are in a 24/7 relationship I just don’t understand how that might work. Nor would I ever enter into such a thing. This is weird. Surely you know that, not them. Maybe if I'd read 50 Shades I'd know what was going on in their heads, as it is, I haven't and can only guess. In a way it's nice that 50 Shades has interested more people in BDSM but from what I read on here the quality of the book and the newcomers leaves a bit to be desired! I guess that it'll settle down eventually, after all everyone is a beginner at the start of whatever they are doing. A few more years and there might be a bumper crop of experienced Subs and Doms
Mike xx
I’m not convinced that 50 Shades has brought BDSM to the masses. It was hardly a secret before the books. But maybe it has made it more publicly acceptable so people are more open about their kink.
"To me, 50 shades has added a curiosity to the scene, an open mindedness, something that a number in the scene haven’t got.  | |||
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"The word ‘train’ just frankly makes me gip " You are taking it too deeply... | |||
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