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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

My wife has just declared she wants to be used and abused, taken control of etc. Thing is its not something we have ever done, whats the best way to go about this, what do we do, how do we take on these roles - would love someone local to help take us on board x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It’s hard to teach someone to be sub, if she has sub tendencies then that’s all well, but you can’t go from normal to sub by reading a book. Also the Dom will need to be someone you both trust, he will expect complete compliance from your mrs, are you sure you can handle watching a guy do that to her? It’s a big step so please be 100% sure you are ready to take it

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

Have a chat between yourselves about what you both want out of this. Google a phrase such as mojo upgrade where you will find a questionnaire you can fill in separately. Get a couple of non fiction books on the subject and read them. Then enjoy exploring.

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By *herbert fountainWoman
over a year ago

Hanley

I understood it as they want to find someone to help them understand and explore D/s not someone to dominate her. I'm happy to help with any questions you may have OP

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I understood it as they want to find someone to help them understand and explore D/s not someone to dominate her. I'm happy to help with any questions you may have OP"

Hey , taking control off and using and abusing it's not a part of dominating in your opinion ?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Good luck

From what you've written it doesn't sound like your wife needs to 'learn' to be submissive. To be honest I'm not sure you can, well not so that you enjoy it. Well maybe but why force something? There seems to be something of a division between what one might call serious and amateur Dom/sub people. We're amateur and tend to play things by feel where as others seem to have more fixed ideas about how a Dom or sub should think, behave etc. and generally take the whole thing more seriously.

From our experience and starting at the beginning. A sub wants to give up control of their life (at that moment) to someone else, in this case the Dom. It becomes a case of asymetric but equal pleasure; the Dom enjoys bossing the sub about and may also gain immediate physical gratification, the sub enjoys being told what to do and should also enjoy the activity even if it's something they wouldn't otherwise initiate (this seems relatively common, it enables the sub to do things that otherwise would be unacceptble for them, usually for psychological reasons i.e. 'That's too rude, I would never do that'). The Dom becomes responcible for the sub's pleasure, don't try and make the sub do something they don't enjoy for your own pleasure! Thus I can tell Kate to get on the bed, put her head here and her legs there, spread wide, open her mouth and suck my cock and it's all stuff that would happen one way or another but she enjoys my assuming control and the pleasure I'm getting with her, plus the usual enjoyment from sucking my cock, etc.

Very often submission is combined with other activities, quite often a degree of pain (spanking, whips etc) and physical restaints (handcuffs, blindfolds etc) although these are optional. Some subs enjoy more than verbal instructions, either direct physical control (forcing them to do something) or a punishment/reward system (D gives an instrustion, s fails to obey, D beats s and s then obeys etc.). Some of this is easy enough to discuss, sometimes the sub in particular is actually reluctant to specify what they want which is entierly in keeping with their role, they don't want to be making these choices when someone else could be making the choices for them! This is not entierly helpful but understandable. Kate and I have learnt a lot by trial and error rather than having a 'to do' list we work though in advance.

A Safe Word is really a must, generally but in particular when exploring new activities. It allows the sub to protest in a convincing but ineffective manner 'no, please stop.' which ties in with doing something that they might otherwise not consider appropriate for themselves but are enjoying. Should things go beyond the point of pleasure they can bring a halt to proceeding with 'banana'. Sometimes speech is not possible so a gesture is also recomnded, like tapping out in wrestling. Once the submissive is trussed up like a chicken and gagged the Dom really had better know what they are doing!

So, the Dom is responcible for the sub's pleasure and safety, both because the Dom has to gauge the sub's state of mind and furnish them with the enjoyment they are hoping for and, depending on the level of risky play involved, the sub's physical and mental safety but it is, for the right person, immensly gratifying; the level of trust a sub places in their Dom can be a huge turn on. Conversly, the sub should be in ultimate control as they have the power to stop play if they want to.

I could go on but life is calling!

Mike xx

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

I agree with Mike. Great post.

Discuss boundaries (amongst yourselves and with a third person if applicable): what are you happy doing/ having done, or not? With that in mind, introduce things slowly. Like, maybe tie her up (gently, don't leave her unattended, watch for signs of circulation being cut off, have scissors or similar to hand to break the restraints in case something goes wrong)... and do things she likes, but unpredictably and with pauses in between. As just one example. See what ceding control like that feels like for both of you.

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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago

Up on them there hills

My suggestion is always talk to subs, they will always give a true perspective without projection.

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By *herbert fountainWoman
over a year ago

Hanley


"I understood it as they want to find someone to help them understand and explore D/s not someone to dominate her. I'm happy to help with any questions you may have OP

Hey , taking control off and using and abusing it's not a part of dominating in your opinion ?"

Of course. But doesn't necessarily mean he wants someone else to do it. He may want to learn to do it himself.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

I think she means bdsm by hearing and reading some of the messages and replies here

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)


"I think she means bdsm by hearing and reading some of the messages and replies here "

I assumed as such. But BDSM is a very broad church.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"My suggestion is always talk to subs, they will always give a true perspective without projection."

I agree in as much as the sub in question is going to know their mind whereas they rest of us are making (educated) guesses. The one problem being that sometimes the sub doesn't want to have to decide. They want to be surprised or are reluctant to specify quite what they want; thus they might say 'something dirty' or 'humilliate me' but don't want to specify how. This can be frustrating but is (to my mind) quite in keeping with being submissive, planning and orcestrating one's own humilliation may well make it less enjoyable. At this point, should it occur, is where the Dom starts to make educated guesses and initiates exploring the sub's limits. Care should be exercised in proportion to the risk and safety built in. As Licentious (I think it was) suggested, scissors to cut rope and keys for handcuffs. Ideally they would actually be within reach of the sub just in case the Dom overdoes it and becomes incapasitated although this is vanishingly rare... these days I would also moot one of those 1-touch emergency apps that would call or text a friend - that you trust - so they can come and release the sub, call an ambulance for the Dom and so on, although Kate and I haven't bothered with that... lol, do as I say, not as I do

As it happens I'm not hugely motivated by ropework (much as I like a nicely bound lady) and Kate has shown herself quite capable of wriggling out of her bonds given time... oddly enough much as I punish her for this it hasn't put her off doing so, it just seems to make her worse! :D A 'bratty' sub is nothing but trouble 3

Mike xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It was Inaswing dress that mentioned scissors etc.....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I assumed as such. But BDSM is a very broad church. "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"My wife has just declared she wants to be used and abused, taken control of etc. Thing is its not something we have ever done, whats the best way to go about this, what do we do, how do we take on these roles - would love someone local to help take us on board x"

I'm not to far away and could possibly help pm me if your interested

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Good luck

From what you've written it doesn't sound like your wife needs to 'learn' to be submissive. To be honest I'm not sure you can, well not so that you enjoy it. Well maybe but why force something? There seems to be something of a division between what one might call serious and amateur Dom/sub people. We're amateur and tend to play things by feel where as others seem to have more fixed ideas about how a Dom or sub should think, behave etc. and generally take the whole thing more seriously.

From our experience and starting at the beginning. A sub wants to give up control of their life (at that moment) to someone else, in this case the Dom. It becomes a case of asymetric but equal pleasure; the Dom enjoys bossing the sub about and may also gain immediate physical gratification, the sub enjoys being told what to do and should also enjoy the activity even if it's something they wouldn't otherwise initiate (this seems relatively common, it enables the sub to do things that otherwise would be unacceptble for them, usually for psychological reasons i.e. 'That's too rude, I would never do that'). The Dom becomes responcible for the sub's pleasure, don't try and make the sub do something they don't enjoy for your own pleasure! Thus I can tell Kate to get on the bed, put her head here and her legs there, spread wide, open her mouth and suck my cock and it's all stuff that would happen one way or another but she enjoys my assuming control and the pleasure I'm getting with her, plus the usual enjoyment from sucking my cock, etc.

Very often submission is combined with other activities, quite often a degree of pain (spanking, whips etc) and physical restaints (handcuffs, blindfolds etc) although these are optional. Some subs enjoy more than verbal instructions, either direct physical control (forcing them to do something) or a punishment/reward system (D gives an instrustion, s fails to obey, D beats s and s then obeys etc.). Some of this is easy enough to discuss, sometimes the sub in particular is actually reluctant to specify what they want which is entierly in keeping with their role, they don't want to be making these choices when someone else could be making the choices for them! This is not entierly helpful but understandable. Kate and I have learnt a lot by trial and error rather than having a 'to do' list we work though in advance.

A Safe Word is really a must, generally but in particular when exploring new activities. It allows the sub to protest in a convincing but ineffective manner 'no, please stop.' which ties in with doing something that they might otherwise not consider appropriate for themselves but are enjoying. Should things go beyond the point of pleasure they can bring a halt to proceeding with 'banana'. Sometimes speech is not possible so a gesture is also recomnded, like tapping out in wrestling. Once the submissive is trussed up like a chicken and gagged the Dom really had better know what they are doing!

So, the Dom is responcible for the sub's pleasure and safety, both because the Dom has to gauge the sub's state of mind and furnish them with the enjoyment they are hoping for and, depending on the level of risky play involved, the sub's physical and mental safety but it is, for the right person, immensly gratifying; the level of trust a sub places in their Dom can be a huge turn on. Conversly, the sub should be in ultimate control as they have the power to stop play if they want to.

I could go on but life is calling!

Mike xx"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I understood it as they want to find someone to help them understand and explore D/s not someone to dominate her. I'm happy to help with any questions you may have OP

Hey , taking control off and using and abusing it's not a part of dominating in your opinion ?

Of course. But doesn't necessarily mean he wants someone else to do it. He may want to learn to do it himself."

Cool, you just didn't add "else" part that's why i got confused.

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By *ure fucking naughtyMan
over a year ago

St Albans


"My wife has just declared she wants to be used and abused, taken control of etc. Thing is its not something we have ever done, whats the best way to go about this, what do we do, how do we take on these roles - would love someone local to help take us on board x"

This is a really big step, it requires huge amounts of trust and communication. Like loads. The Dom needs to really know what they are doing, so many selp proclaimed Dom's so easy to get this wrong.

Mrs needs to set her hard limits, safewords and be in a position to go some way to describing what he wants from the experience. Mr you need to be totally comfortable with all of this to, weather you are assuming the role of dominant or if someone else is doing this then you need to decide weather you are present or not. That's probably a decision for both of you.

As what I would call a now experienced Dom I am happy to discuss in more detail if you want. Just drop me a private message

Good luck

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


".......Mrs needs to set her hard limits, safewords and be in a position to go some way to describing what he wants from the experience. Mr you need to be totally comfortable with all of this to, weather you are assuming the role of dominant or if someone else is doing this then you need to decide weather you are present or not. That's probably a decision for both of you..."

whether!

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By *tace 309TV/TS
over a year ago

durham

Perhaps you should try the fetish scene first . go to clubs ,munches and events .see if it is really for you .the bdsm scene is vast and varied .I've been in it over 30 years,and I'm still looking and learning to this day . you must always observe any limits .use safe words at all times .play safe .its nothing like 50 shades stuff .thats pure comical fiction.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 26/10/18 10:34:27]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Perhaps you should try the fetish scene first . go to clubs ,munches and events .see if it is really for you ......"

This is certainly a good way to see what other people are doing, and learning from others is what makes us human but BDSM is something you can also do yourself at home, it just needs a bit of care and imagination. Some people make it out to be more dangerous than it typically is. Certainly some activities have risk but mostly it's pretty obvious stuff. If the sub enjoys breath control there's a risk of death if taken too far etc but frankly if that's not clear then I don't think BDSM is the greatest hazard, modern life will surely find a way to kill such people off anyway. I'd rate it as about as hazardous as using powered machinery. There's some danger but adults mostly manage fine. Maybe don't do it d*unk :D

Can't really comment on 50 Shades not having read it but it does get some stick on here and not just for the quality of the writing (which I hear is terrible)

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