FabSwingers.com forum: Rubbish jokes.... it's Friday!!!!

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Why did I get divorced?

Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

If you like the joke let me know... if you didn't please don't throw anything heavy at me...

I'm here all week and work for fabs lol

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By *andyboyMan
over a year ago

berkhamstead

Bloke goes to the doctor and says he's addicted to brake fluid . Doctor asks how he feels about this . He replies , yes I'm not to bad I think I can stop .

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By *anine72TV/TS
over a year ago

Wearside

60” Plasma TV for sale £50. Volume control not working but for that price you can’t turn it down

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By *ornylittlesubWoman
over a year ago

Grangemouth

Horse walks into a bar...

Barman says "why the long face"?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Horse walks into a bar...

Barman says "why the long face"?

Skeleton walks into a bar,

"I'd like a pint of lager and a mop, please"

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By *idlandiaMan
over a year ago

Birmingham

A man walks into a bar

"ouch"

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By *andWCoupleCouple
over a year ago

Luton

What's Rupert Bear's middle name?

The

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A lorry carrying snooker equipment has crashed on the M6... there’s cue’s for Miles

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My therapist seems to think I have an addiction to revenge...... “we’ll see about that”

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By *exyspecs and supermanCouple
over a year ago

A house, a very big house in the country

What's brown and sticky?

A stick

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was standing in the park the other day thinking, why is it the closer the frisbee gets the bigger it gets… And then hit me

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By *exyspecs and supermanCouple
over a year ago

A house, a very big house in the country

"What's Rupert Bear's middle name?

The"

I like this one

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My girlfriend seems to think that I’ve got a problem with commitment… Well she’s actually my wife

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Horse walks into a bar...

Barman says "why the long face"?

Skeleton walks into a bar,

"I'd like a pint of lager and a mop, please""

A lion goes into a bar,

''A pint of,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,lager please''.

The barman says ''why the big pause?''

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a deer with no eyes.

No Eye Deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs

Still No Eye Deer.

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By *idlandiaMan
over a year ago

Birmingham

"What do you call a deer with no eyes.

No Eye Deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs

Still No Eye Deer."
what do you call a deer with no legs, no eyes and no genitals?

Still no fucking idea

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A man flashed two elderly ladies in the park. One had a stroke... The other couldn't reach.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Knock knock!

Who’s there?

The interrupting cow!

The interrupting c....MOO!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What is green but smells like yellow paint?

Green paint.

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By *nsatiantCouple
over a year ago

stowmarket

What did the bikini say to the boobs? You're my two breast friends

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By *ike rotchticklesMan
over a year ago

oldham

My mate just phoned me in tears ...his wife left him taking his Bob Marley CDs and the satellite dish ...

Poor bastard .... no woman ... no sky

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

Knock knock

Who's there?

Pea-cash!

Pea-cash who?

Pikachu, gotta catch'em all!

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

Bloke 1: I've found the perfect way of getting my Mrs to shut up and hang onto every word I say; without ever interrupting me

Bloke 2: How's that then?

Bloke 1: I've got a job as a Bingo Caller.

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

"My mate just phoned me in tears ...his wife left him taking his Bob Marley CDs and the satellite dish ...

Poor bastard .... no woman ... no sky"

Feeling remote, is he?

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By *irimusMan
over a year ago

Burnley

What's the different between a joke and three dicks?

You can't take a joke.

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

Sex is hard when you've got brewer's droop.

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

Oral sex: the taste of things to come.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Went to my bakers earlier all cakes 50p apart from 1 which was a £1 asked the baker how comes that one is a £1 he said that's Madeira cake

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

When Whitney Houston married Bobby Brown in 1992, he wanted her to take his surname. But he never had the bottle. Whitney Brown? Sounds like a pint of mild bitter if you ask me.

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

Nothing runs like a Deere!

More like Deere by name, dear by nature.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's pink and fluffy....... Pink fluff xx

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

I gave up being a ploughman, after 20 years I felt like I was stuck in a rut.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What's brown and sticky?

A stick

My all time favourite joke!

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By *ammyDodgaMan
over a year ago

Nottingham/and everywhere my location says i am ;)

After finding 5 Mars bars, 3 Snickers, a Flake and a packet of M&M's, I'm starting to think I'm not cut out to be a Bounty hunter....

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

Tree surgery, it's not just chopping down dead wood and dangerously positioned trunks and branches. A lot of the times it's about the assessment and diagnosis of the tree's condition. You could say there's a bit of triage involved.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A guy taking his dog to the vet finds a genie's lamp and gives it a rub. Out pops a genie and grants the guy one wish. The guy says "well, my dog's really, really sick - I think he's going to die, can you help him?".

The genie examines the dog carefully, checking him all over before standing up and saying "I'm truly sorry, but your dog is too far gone - there's really nothing I do can. Have you got another wish?"

The guy says "I'm a single, overweight guy with a small cock, and I have a profile on Fab - can you get me a meet?"

The genie looks the guy square in the face for a couple of minutes, before finally saying "let's have another look at that dog, shall we?"

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By *good-being-badMan
over a year ago

mis-types and auto corrects leads cock leeds

I put my Hawaiian pizza in the oven.. when I took it out it was burnt to a crisp..

Should have put it on aloha heat.

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

"After finding 5 Mars bars, 3 Snickers, a Flake and a packet of M&M's, I'm starting to think I'm not cut out to be a Bounty hunter...."

Do you know what I did to the bastard who stole my Twix? I gave him two fingers!

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

Philosphy: Why?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My wife as threatened to divorce me unless I stop pinching kitchen utensils...... it's a whisk I'm willing to take

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why did tigger put his head down the toilet?

He was looking for pooh

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

"Why did tigger put his head down the toilet?

He was looking for pooh

That's funny hunny.

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

What's the definition of brave?

A bloke eating a full box chocolate and doesn't offer his Mrs any.

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By *he Mac LassWoman
over a year ago

Hefty Hideaway

Why didn’t the skeleton go to the party?

He had nobody to go with

(

)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call an itchy pig?

....

Pork scratching

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I sprinkled Viagra into my eyes.

I didn't feel any different but I looked hard

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By *mp411Man
over a year ago

chester

Banana says to the vibrator why are you shaking she’s going eat me!!

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

Rubber bullets: a lesbian's best friend.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

19 and 20 had a fight. 21

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill?

Because it ran out of juice

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By *xijenWoman
over a year ago

manchester

why cant chinese have white babys??

; Because two wong's dont make a white

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

"19 and 20 had a fight. 21

Q: Which number was sent down for canabilism?

A: The one between 6 & 8... why? Because 7 8 9.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"19 and 20 had a fight. 21

Q: Which number was sent down for canabilism?

A: The one between 6 & 8... why? Because 7 8 9."

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

It's a myth that the Chinese don't have knives and forks.

They do, but only use them to name their babies.

What they do is throw all of those knives, forks and spoons and metal ladles into the air and the noise that make when they crash land into the wok, is the baby's name.

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

I was going to be a comedian, but the wages were a joke.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The Welsh have just found two new uses for sheep. Meat and wool.

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By *herealdeal90Man
over a year ago

Huddersfield

I got excited when a girl told me she's Bi. Started to get really turned on at the thought of her with another girl. That's until I realised she meant she's Bi polar.

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By *ve 66Woman
over a year ago

Blackwood

What do you call a dinosaur who just receives anal sex ????

Mega-sore-ass

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By *irenGuy70Man
over a year ago

Cirencester

"Why did tigger put his head down the toilet?

He was looking for pooh

. That's a cracker!

How does Winnie the Pooh eat honey? With his bear hands

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By *aughty1919Man
over a year ago

Lancaster

I recieved my first xmas card the other day i opened it and grains of rice fell out.

Thats when i realised it was from my uncle ben.

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By *SD 2000Couple
over a year ago

andover

Why did the bakers hands smell?

Because he kneeded a poo

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By *ain n MableWoman
over a year ago

Milton Keynes

A roll of bubble wrap got delivered at work, I asked the boss, what shall I do with this, he said, just pop in the corner over there. 4 bloody hours I was there.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I got a job in a bowling alley and was so happy i told my mum....she asked ...is it tenpin?...No its permanent i replied

Bonus gag....price of velcro ...what a rip off

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Why did tigger put his head down the toilet?

He was looking for pooh

. That's a cracker!

How does Winnie the Pooh eat honey? With his bear hands

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By *ooner2Man
over a year ago

peterborough

"I gave up being a ploughman, after 20 years I felt like I was stuck in a rut."

hear about the scarecrow who won the Nobel prize?

he was outstanding in his,field

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By *udistnorthantsMan
over a year ago

Desborough

I've got a spare Dyson for sale... well it's only gathering dust

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By *ooner2Man
over a year ago

peterborough

"What's the different between a joke and three dicks?

You can't take a joke."

what's the difference between jam and marmalade?

you can't marmalade a cock up a bird's arse. thank you, Jimmy Carr

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By *ooner2Man
over a year ago

peterborough

"My mate just phoned me in tears ...his wife left him taking his Bob Marley CDs and the satellite dish ...

Poor bastard .... no woman ... no sky"

what was bob marleys favorite type of doughnut?

wi jammin

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By *reeneggsandsamMan
over a year ago

Perpignan and cap

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

Ones really heavy, the others a little lighter.

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By *ooner2Man
over a year ago

peterborough

"What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

Ones really heavy, the others a little lighter."

had an Indian last night.

a chicken tarka.

it's,like a chicken tikka.

but its a little otter

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Met the inventor of the crossword the other day. Cant remember his name but it was P....something .....T....something...R

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What the difference between your wife and Blackpool Tower.

Not everyone's been up the Blackpool Tower

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My ex called me immature the other day

I told her to get out of my Fort

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By *hechapMan
over a year ago

Derry

Why did the man not report his stolen credit card?

Because the thief was spending less than his wife.

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By *hechapMan
over a year ago

Derry

Next time your girlfriend complains you never take her anywhere expensive take her to the petrol station!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A man goes to the shop and asks have you any mature cheese.

The shop assistant picks up the cheese and chucks it on the floor.

The man says how immature.

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

Condoms are like crisps: plain, flavoured and ribbed.

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

In Germany, Austria and certain cantons of Switzerland bras are called stopempfloppems.

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

Roses are red

Violets are blue

I've ran out of antihistames

Ah, ah, ah,Hachoooooooo!

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

Melons: not just a nick name for boobs. You can call pussy a melon too.

Why? Well cut out a wedge from a whole melon and with the 3/4s you have left...you can eat, drink and wash your face with it.

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By *haron7540Woman
over a year ago

Hayle, Cornwall

A man works away from home a lot so decides to buy his wife a present. He goes to the sex shop and they sell him a "magic vibrator", and give him instructions on how it should be used.

He takes it home and gives it to his wife with the instructions.

To turn it on say magic vibrator on.

To turn it off say magic vibrator off.

To use it on your pussy say magic vibrator my pussy.

After the man goes on his business trip the wife decides to try out the magic vibrator.

Magic vibrator on

Magic vibrator my pussy.

Several orgasms later she can't remember how to turn it off.

She decides to go to hospital to see if they can help.

Driving there she is still having orgasms and therefore driving erratically, because of this she gets pulled over by a policeman and she tries explaining to him about the magic vibrator, his response was "magic vibrator my arse"

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By *aughtius MaximiusMan
over a year ago

Bromley

I live in a bungalow,which is nice but it does have one major flaw

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By *_MariusMan
over a year ago

Currently Faraway

How do you call a female satnav?

A twatnav....

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By *aughtius MaximiusMan
over a year ago

Bromley

Tory education minister goes into a bar, orders a whiskey. Bartender says “Teachers ok?” Minster says “do I look like I give a shit”

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By *iliciousCouple
over a year ago

Sussex/Surrey

Woman goes into a chemist, says to the guy behind the counter "Excuse me, have you got cotton wool balls?" he says "Do I look like a fucking teddy bear?"

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By *iliciousCouple
over a year ago

Sussex/Surrey

Guy goes into a pub, sees a bloke and his dog at the bar, the dog licking its bollocks.

"Blimey" the guy says to the owner "I wish I could do that". Owner says "Give him a choc drop and he'll probably let you".

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By *itty9899Man
over a year ago

Craggy Island

Want to hear a joke about a piece of paper?

Never mind… it’s tearable

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By *itty9899Man
over a year ago

Craggy Island

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Follow the fresh prints

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

How do you confuse an idiot?

Thursday!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My dog has no nose

How does he smell

Disgusting

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp who bought a warehouse?

Or the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa?

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By *_MariusMan
over a year ago

Currently Faraway

My friend died of heartburn yesterday.....

I can’t believe Gav is gone.....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just got a new Rolex from the lesbians that live next door, they asked me what it would like for my birthday. It's very nice but I think they miss understood when I said "I wanna watch"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Just got a new Rolex from the lesbians that live next door, they asked me what it would like for my birthday. It's very nice but I think they miss understood when I said "I wanna watch" "

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By *eswillMan
over a year ago

Chepstow

Just found out that Screwfix is Not a dating agency

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By *cnawwtysCouple
over a year ago

pie ville

I wanted to be a comiedian but everyone kept laughing at me

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By *uriousGuy1234200Man
over a year ago

Liverpool

A lad asks his dad "Why did you and mum name my sister Theresa dad?" Dad says, "well, it because your mum absolutely loves Easter and Theresa is an anagram of Easter Alan"

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

Why hasn't Craig Charles endorsed SMEG fridges?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Ikea has launched a bed range for lesbians

Theres no screws but loads of tounge in grooves

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By *olgateMan
over a year ago

on the road to nowhere in particular

"I wanted to be a comiedian but everyone kept laughing at me "

They’re not laughing now

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Bill sees his one-armed mate Dave. 'Hey Dave, what you up to?' Dave replies "I'm going to change a lightbulb" 'Thats going to be a bit awkward for you mate' Dave replies "Not really, I still have the receipt'

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

Pungent: a bloke with rotten jokes.

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By *irenGuy70Man
over a year ago

Cirencester

Two thieves stole a calendar from a shop (don't ask me why, they just did ok

). They both got six months

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By *ooliganMan
over a year ago

Preston

A lorry has just shed its load of Alphabetti Spaghetti on the M6... Police said it could have spelled disaster.

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By *urely4funMan
over a year ago

london

To the bastards who stole my anti-depressants, i hope youre happy

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What did the the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna one, Anna two!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two nuns in a car have an accident.

The Mother Superior (passenger) says, "don't worry child, just show him your cross."

The other nun gets out of the car, walks to the driver who hit them and said, "you stupid fucker, what the fuck did you think you were doing?"

Turning to Mother Superior, she asks "cross enough?"

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

I had an interview at ANNE SUMMERS as a store detective, to combat the sudden scourge in shop lifting in my local store.

This is how it went.

Got any experience?

No.

Got a Licence?

No.

Got any certifictates?

No?

So why the hell, do you think you're the candidate for this role?

I've just got a feel for it.

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By *wingin CatMan
over a year ago

London

Did you hear about the short-sighted doctor who tried to perform a circumcision operation?

He missed - and he got the sack.

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By *wingin CatMan
over a year ago

London

A big hairy biker goes to a tattooist, and says "I want a new tattoo....this time, I want it on my dick".

"Oh", said the tattooist. "That's possible. Would you like me to numb it first?"

"Ooh, yes please" says the biker

"Num, num, num, num, num, num...."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Did you hear about the short-sighted doctor who tried to perform a circumcision operation?

He missed - and he got the sack."

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