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Dom & Sub

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

I'd love to be a sub but finding a real dom is impossible for me I think. I don't understand how a man could have such a hold over me to comply with his orders. He would have to be really bloody gorgeous, an amazing fuck or somebody I have a real strong emotional bond with. The first two are claimed a lot on here lol, the third I probably won't find on here. Plus most guys that try are so eager to please me that I end up being in charge lol. This is not a thread for guys to claim they are the ultimate dom, is just like to great from others who either have got this relationship or feel the same as me. Thoughts please xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

That’s where you’re going wrong. You don’t find a Dom, a Dom finds you

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sub here

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"That’s where you’re going wrong. You don’t find a Dom, a Dom finds you "
lots of 'Doms' have found me and told me what they'd do to me. Most of them I wouldn't even speak to, nevermind comply with their orders lol xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"That’s where you’re going wrong. You don’t find a Dom, a Dom finds you lots of 'Doms' have found me and told me what they'd do to me. Most of them I wouldn't even speak to, nevermind comply with their orders lol xx"
do you use strap ins

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By *igress69Woman
over a year ago

belfast

I'm a sub and have a great sir. Been with him two years. A connection and trust has to be there or it won't work. Hope u find one as good as mine xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"That’s where you’re going wrong. You don’t find a Dom, a Dom finds you lots of 'Doms' have found me and told me what they'd do to me. Most of them I wouldn't even speak to, nevermind comply with their orders lol xx"

Perhaps that’s your other issue, focusing on their looks and sexual prowess. A good Dom starts with your head and if your busy focusing on pure physical attraction then it’s harder to let it happen.

The Dom/Sub relationship takes time to build and if that relationship is based just on looks then it’s likely to fail at the first hurdle. The 2 slaves I’ve had in the past both said I was not the type of guy they usually go for but that ‘there was something about me’. Maybe broaden your search and that Dom will find you

PS I’m not trying to suggest me

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"That’s where you’re going wrong. You don’t find a Dom, a Dom finds you lots of 'Doms' have found me and told me what they'd do to me. Most of them I wouldn't even speak to, nevermind comply with their orders lol xx

Perhaps that’s your other issue, focusing on their looks and sexual prowess. A good Dom starts with your head and if your busy focusing on pure physical attraction then it’s harder to let it happen.

The Dom/Sub relationship takes time to build and if that relationship is based just on looks then it’s likely to fail at the first hurdle. The 2 slaves I’ve had in the past both said I was not the type of guy they usually go for but that ‘there was something about me’. Maybe broaden your search and that Dom will find you

PS I’m not trying to suggest me "

I get that, some of the messages i get are slightly intriguing but some are just shite lol. It is about the psychology of it, just need to keep reading messages until i find one that captivates me i suppose x

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I'm a sub and have a great sir. Been with him two years. A connection and trust has to be there or it won't work. Hope u find one as good as mine xx"

I think I'm trying to understand the connection, maybe I've just not got the sub thing in me x

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By *acktar74Man
over a year ago

leeds

Dom and Sub can transend just lookd. Its about trust its about respect

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"I'm a sub and have a great sir. Been with him two years. A connection and trust has to be there or it won't work. Hope u find one as good as mine xx

I think I'm trying to understand the connection, maybe I've just not got the sub thing in me x"

That might be it. Sort out in your mind what you want from a dom, don't let anybody tell you what that should be. Then set about looking for a guy with whom you can work to make it happen.

It could just be that you want to be handcuffed now and again or it could be you want the whole lifestyle.

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By *rontier PsychiatristMan
over a year ago

Coventry

You just need to keep looking. It's a connection that both takes the right characteristics in the first place but is also a bespoke fit. Someone who is a great dom for one person may not do it at all for another person. You'll know when you find it. Just follow your gut and dont engage in anything too deep until you trust and feel it in your gut.

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By *TBSMan
over a year ago

close enough

If you ever read or hear the words "I'm a real/true Dom" be sure to say no thank you.

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By *xMFM3sumsxxWoman
over a year ago

SouthWest Lancashire

I left every single place that attracted NSA people and where the interaction was shallow.

Only looked for friends.

Was open to chatting to anyone who was nice and interesting looks didn't come into it coz friends anyway.

Jobs done.

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By *ighland gentlemanMan
over a year ago

Ardgay

There are so many different aspects to such a relationship that it's difficult to give specific advice other than it has to be what you want, both physically and emotionally.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"If you ever read or hear the words "I'm a real/true Dom" be sure to say no thank you. "

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By *hips n FursMan
over a year ago

Huddersfield

It's just the same the other way around...its hard to meet a sub who excites the mind.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

There’s also the trust issue. To do the Dom/Sub thing justice the Sub has to ‘give’ themselves over (mentally) which takes a whole lotta guts. Some people find that being so emotionally exposed is just not for them.

Good luck hunting and perhaps consider googling other, more specialist websites

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"It's just the same the other way around...its hard to meet a sub who excites the mind."

You can thank 50 shades for that!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

From what you say on here and in your profile you should really go back to the drawing board and decide what you priorities are for that perfect Dom. If this is purely personality based and sexual then they might be on this forum as much as any other. If, however, what you are looking for is a D/s dynamic, someone proficient at bdsm and/or is looking for a kink based relationship then the crossover between the swingers and fetish scene is relatively small.

The other site, that of course cannot be mentioned in here but is not hard to research, is based like FB on geographical and interest groups, personal adverts and most importantly, socials and events listings. People on the fetish scene know people and the active ones network, that is the perfect place for you to do the same, the more visible you are the more likely that Dom who happens to be looking will see you.

You are not that far from Liverpool where you have a thriving monthly fetish social.....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've come across about 4 genuine Doms in 8 yrs thst have had an effect on me.

I know by how I react to them.

Firstly they can get into my head. I wsnt to willingly drop to my knees for them and await orders. T h ey dint even have to be gorgeous. That becomes less important. It's how the can control me and how I willingly give myself to them. I can't tell in 5 seconds of meeting aa man If he's a Dominant. Plus in messages too. It's not about bossing a sub about. It's deeper. It can be certain words, commands and how a sentence is presented.

Sadly it's very hard to come across one who also wants me. There needs to be a connection/spart upon meeting x

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By *ornylittlesubWoman
over a year ago

Grangemouth

Of course it is different for everyone, but when I met my master I wasn't looking for him....it just happened.

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By *uckslut and MCouple
over a year ago

Poole

I'd known my Dom for 10 years, it's only in the last 3 years he's been my Dom. He was always good at hosting meets, I had to bring the Dom out in him.

Now he's a perfect Dom.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I'd love to be a sub but finding a real dom is impossible for me I think. I don't understand how a man could have such a hold over me to comply with his orders. He would have to be really bloody gorgeous, an amazing fuck or somebody I have a real strong emotional bond with. The first two are claimed a lot on here lol, the third I probably won't find on here. Plus most guys that try are so eager to please me that I end up being in charge lol. This is not a thread for guys to claim they are the ultimate dom, is just like to great from others who either have got this relationship or feel the same as me. Thoughts please xx"

There are a lot of wanna be doms on fab that wouldn't have a clue how to be a proper dom. They jusy like the thought of being able to order woman to do things. Oh if I am your dom I can order you to give me a blowjob every day. Even as a non dom I know it not about that.

It think doms are born to be doms.

Personally I don't get the whole dom sub thing but each to their own.

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By *illie83lCouple
over a year ago

Leeds

Sadly a certain book/film has seriously messed up the Dom/sub world, and now there's a surplus of beta and lower level males who believe they're Doms but have little or no respect for their sub and too many female subs who are basically looking for a rich man to spank them.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Before you go "looking" for a Dom you realy do need to do your research. As to me you don't seem very sure.

Going from my own experience it can be very draining both mentally and physically. Being a sub is about the mind. You don't just wake up one day and decide to try it. It affects your private life away from swinging as well.. Please stop searching or advertising for a Dom. You will never find one from messages. You will just attract the amateurs and bully's

Good luck

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I'd love to be a sub but finding a real dom is impossible for me I think. I don't understand how a man could have such a hold over me to comply with his orders. He would have to be really bloody gorgeous, an amazing fuck or somebody I have a real strong emotional bond with. The first two are claimed a lot on here lol, the third I probably won't find on here. Plus most guys that try are so eager to please me that I end up being in charge lol. This is not a thread for guys to claim they are the ultimate dom, is just like to great from others who either have got this relationship or feel the same as me. Thoughts please xx"

The strong emotional bond, can be found anywhere aslong as you give the other person a chance...

I'm a switch, I can be Dom but also submissive, I love to please alot but I want equally be pleased.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Sadly a certain book/film has seriously messed up the Dom/sub world, and now there's a surplus of beta and lower level males who believe they're Doms but have little or no respect for their sub and too many female subs who are basically looking for a rich man to spank them."

Yeah that certain movie we can all guess.

50 shades fucked it up eh

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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago

There and to the left a bit


"Sadly a certain book/film has seriously messed up the Dom/sub world, and now there's a surplus of beta and lower level males who believe they're Doms but have little or no respect for their sub and too many female subs who are basically looking for a rich man to spank them.

Yeah that certain movie we can all guess.

50 shades fucked it up eh "

It's not just 50 Shades although that did bring things more mainstream in the public eye - but the internet and ready availability of BDSM porn has a lot to answer for too.

It's a double edged sword though - the internet has opened a lot of people's eyes (mine included) to feelings and desires they have long suppressed or not known what they were - and to those the internet has been a boon for exploring and discovering that BUT the flip side is it also opens the doors to people who see a porn video or read about it at a high level and misinterpret it completely.

Back to the OP though as others have said I think you need to take a step backwards and decide what you truly desire at a level beyond "I want a Dom" - you need to ask yourself things like how you see yourself as a submissive, what kind of things do you think you would like/dislike from that type of relationship, what kind of submissive you think you are, what your limits would be and much much more.

If you're stuck as to where to start - try reading SM101 or Screw The Roses Bring Me The Thorns both of which are available on Amazon - look out some BDSM Questionnaires on line that will help you understand yourself more.

Get along to munches (socials for the BDSM world) and that other unnameable site.

Read as much as you can find about the BDSM world and then read some more.

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By *rongstantineWoman
over a year ago

hull

You're not meeting Doms, you're meeting Dims.

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By *ensualMan
over a year ago

Sutton


"Sadly a certain book/film has seriously messed up the Dom/sub world, and now there's a surplus of beta and lower level males who believe they're Doms but have little or no respect for their sub and too many female subs who are basically looking for a rich man to spank them.

Yeah that certain movie we can all guess.

50 shades fucked it up eh

It's not just 50 Shades although that did bring things more mainstream in the public eye - but the internet and ready availability of BDSM porn has a lot to answer for too.

It's a double edged sword though - the internet has opened a lot of people's eyes (mine included) to feelings and desires they have long suppressed or not known what they were - and to those the internet has been a boon for exploring and discovering that BUT the flip side is it also opens the doors to people who see a porn video or read about it at a high level and misinterpret it completely.

Back to the OP though as others have said I think you need to take a step backwards and decide what you truly desire at a level beyond "I want a Dom" - you need to ask yourself things like how you see yourself as a submissive, what kind of things do you think you would like/dislike from that type of relationship, what kind of submissive you think you are, what your limits would be and much much more.

If you're stuck as to where to start - try reading SM101 or Screw The Roses Bring Me The Thorns both of which are available on Amazon - look out some BDSM Questionnaires on line that will help you understand yourself more.

Get along to munches (socials for the BDSM world) and that other unnameable site.

Read as much as you can find about the BDSM world and then read some more. "

I don't always agree with your advice but I respect that you talk sense. So thank you for not being on the bandwagon blaming 50SOG. Anyone who has read anything about BDSM knows certain types existed before 50SOG was released. Certainly the book Screw the Roses points out the types of doms of which a person should be wary. Interestingly the book also points out the types of subs that doms should be wary of, I call them "Silly Subs' of which there appears to be many on the swinging scene.

In regard to OP's opening remarks I would suggest her mistake is looking for a 'Real Dom', no such thing exists. It all boils down to relationships that work for someone called a dominant and someone called a submissive. But it is not the dictionary meaning of the words 'dominant' and 'submissive' but a refined BDSM explanation that has changed over the years, and in fact let's people use the words how they like. So how it works is down to the two (or if poly) the three or more in the relationship. The only hall marks of dom should be they obtain consent and there is no abuse as defined by the sub.

However,in the same way as not all people are doms not everyone is sub. The whole BDSM thing is not everyone's cup of tea. If it is not yours don't sweat it.

I would add there is a lot of talk about dom's having to get into your head but the basics are the same as any relationship. Do you work together in regard to what you want to do?

You need to be aware that a lot of people on here have their view of what BDSM relationship should look like and will state all D/S relationships should be like that. I call this the Disney School of BDSM. It is all light and fluffy and child friendly. This is closely linked to the Romantic school of BDSM where the dom/me is in fact their boyfriend or girlfriend. Which is all well and good. But it is one form of D/S, there are many others. This is because people are not standard, and relationships are not standard.

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By *iSTARessWoman
over a year ago

London

Might want to rethink how people approach you. I never engage with hot chat or fantasies before meeting in person

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By *winginggentMan
over a year ago

chingford


"I'd love to be a sub but finding a real dom is impossible for me I think. I don't understand how a man could have such a hold over me to comply with his orders. He would have to be really bloody gorgeous, an amazing fuck or somebody I have a real strong emotional bond with. The first two are claimed a lot on here lol, the third I probably won't find on here. Plus most guys that try are so eager to please me that I end up being in charge lol. This is not a thread for guys to claim they are the ultimate dom, is just like to great from others who either have got this relationship or feel the same as me. Thoughts please xx"

There are 3 important things in any Dom/sub relationship.

Its

Trust

Trust and

Trust

Dont go out looking for a Dom, talk to people on here, Dominant traits will come through in messages. I dont mean the do this and do that brigade, but they will naturally start to take charge. If they do this is a kind and thoughtful way, you may wish to take it further, if its not then steer well clear!

The submissive holds the true power in any good Dom/sub relationship.

Good luck, keep looking and it will happen

X

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By *ensualMan
over a year ago

Sutton

[Removed by poster at 14/09/18 17:12:21]

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By *ensualMan
over a year ago

Sutton


"I'd love to be a sub but finding a real dom is impossible for me I think. I don't understand how a man could have such a hold over me to comply with his orders. He would have to be really bloody gorgeous, an amazing fuck or somebody I have a real strong emotional bond with. The first two are claimed a lot on here lol, the third I probably won't find on here. Plus most guys that try are so eager to please me that I end up being in charge lol. This is not a thread for guys to claim they are the ultimate dom, is just like to great from others who either have got this relationship or feel the same as me. Thoughts please xx

There are 3 important things in any Dom/sub relationship.

Its

Trust

Trust and

Trust

Dont go out looking for a Dom, talk to people on here, Dominant traits will come through in messages. I dont mean the do this and do that brigade, but they will naturally start to take charge. If they do this is a kind and thoughtful way, you may wish to take it further, if its not then steer well clear!

The submissive holds the true power in any good Dom/sub relationship.

Good luck, keep looking and it will happen

X"

I would suggest the three equal important things are: trust, communication and consent. Many would also throw in the fourth of empathy.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I get you. Someone said to me yesterday "you're not at all submissive are you?" which made me think. Naturally I am quite sexually confident, I like taking charge and I like knowing I'm the one making him feel how he does. I do wonder what it would be like to be on the other side but I just can't see me meeting someone who would make me switch like that.

I can intuitively pick up on any "weakness" and even if someone is being a bit more dominant with me it's generally because I've forced it, I've gotten them to the point they can't hold back.

I don't know the answer to how you would meet someone, I guess you just know when you know, it would be a feeling that can't be forced or then it's just role playing.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I’ve posted about this before, but the few times that sex has started to take a hot turn into D/s dynamics it has been with men who would never identify as Dominant. They are particularly good at reading a woman’s body, like to push limits and a couple of them have liked sensation play as part of a wider mix. They are also experienced, sexually confident men. I wish I knew how to identify more men like that as none of the three are particularly available to me for one reason or another.

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By *ngelina4uWoman
over a year ago

Camberley/Middleton


"I'd love to be a sub but finding a real dom is impossible for me I think. I don't understand how a man could have such a hold over me to comply with his orders. He would have to be really bloody gorgeous, an amazing fuck or somebody I have a real strong emotional bond with. The first two are claimed a lot on here lol, the third I probably won't find on here. Plus most guys that try are so eager to please me that I end up being in charge lol. This is not a thread for guys to claim they are the ultimate dom, is just like to great from others who either have got this relationship or feel the same as me. Thoughts please xx"

There are a lot of square pegs pretending to be doms you will get a lot of that when there is a lot of competition from other guys.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The problem is.. so many doms.. just arnt doms and dont understand the first thing about it. The same as subs... many want to be a sub.. but flake out within the first instant, they dont understand the effort/trust/respect that goes into being a sub/dom.

Ive dabbled, is it my thing? Soft bedroom s/d yes, being a full on s/d no, it takes time, full on respect, trust & obedience just to name afew.

Also... a dom will find you

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