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sexy joke thread

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

I'll go first

Man brings woman home from pub, clothes start coming off, shoes and socks first. "Whats wrong with your toes, they are all crooked?" she says.

I had Toelio when I was a kid."

Toelio, dont you mean Polio?

No Toelio, thats why my toes are crooked.

Trousers come off-

"whats wrong with your knees they look back to front"

"When I was a kid I had Kneesles"

Dont you mean measles?

No, Kneesles, and it affected my knees real bad.

Boxers come off next...

"OH NO, dont tell me you also had Small Cox!"

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By *aul DeUther-OneMan
over a year ago

Sussex

A naive young lad eager for his first sexual experience, approaches a working girl for help...

Naive lad: "... My friends tell me to try 69"

The working girl instructs our naive lad how to get ready and just as they're getting into positions the working girl lets out a fart.

Naive lad:" Eeeewww! No way I'm going to put up with that another 68 times"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Woke up to a blowjob this morning!

That's the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open!

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

What is the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?

You can make a vitamin but you cant make a whore moan

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

How do you make a hormone?

Don't pay her

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why was Adam made before Eve??

Because men always cum first

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

whatdo you call a hookers fart

a prosti toot

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By * and M lookingCouple
over a year ago

Worcester

[Removed by poster at 05/05/18 06:20:29]

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By * and M lookingCouple
over a year ago

Worcester


"Why was Adam made before Eve??

Because men always cum first "

So someone could iron his fig leaves.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Why was Adam made before Eve??

Because men always cum first

So someone could iron his fig leaves. "

Because if Eve had been made first God wouldn't have bothered with Adam

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By * and M lookingCouple
over a year ago

Worcester


"whatdo you call a hookers fart

a prosti toot"

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By * and M lookingCouple
over a year ago

Worcester

A guy walked up to me in the pub the other day after my phine had just rang and randomly asked "whats your ringtone"

Seemed a bit phased when I answered a light brown colour...why?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This is a long one but be patient it's worth it.

A young man was walking along a beach and found a lamp, thinking what the hell he rubbed it. Out pops 2 stunning blonde Genies. We'll grant you 3 wishes and before you ask, no, one of them will not be sexual favours from us. The man was told to close his eyes and make the wishes in his head. When he woke up he was in a Mansion surrounded by beautiful women, he slept with all of them, after he was done he gets a knock at the door. It was 2 KKK Klansmen they drag him out of the house beat him up and hang him to the nearest tree. The Klansmen remove their hoods and it was the Genies, one of them said to the other, I understand him wanting to be rich and have all of those beautiful women to make love to but when he asked to be hung like a black man it made no sense to me.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"This is a long one but be patient it's worth it.

A young man was walking along a beach and found a lamp, thinking what the hell he rubbed it. Out pops 2 stunning blonde Genies. We'll grant you 3 wishes and before you ask, no, one of them will not be sexual favours from us. The man was told to close his eyes and make the wishes in his head. When he woke up he was in a Mansion surrounded by beautiful women, he slept with all of them, after he was done he gets a knock at the door. It was 2 KKK Klansmen they drag him out of the house beat him up and hang him to the nearest tree. The Klansmen remove their hoods and it was the Genies, one of them said to the other, I understand him wanting to be rich and have all of those beautiful women to make love to but when he asked to be hung like a black man it made no sense to me."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Woke up to a blowjob this morning!

That's the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open! "

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"A guy walked up to me in the pub the other day after my phine had just rang and randomly asked "whats your ringtone"

Seemed a bit phased when I answered a light brown colour...why?"

very subtle

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By *norkelingforclamsMan
over a year ago

Milton Keynes

The National Poetry Contest had come down to the final:

The finalists were to be given a subject, then allowed two minutes to study it and come up with a poem around the subject. Their subject, "Timbuktu".

First to contestant to recite his poem stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand

Trekked a lonely caravan.

Men on camels, two by two

Destination - Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way that could be topped they thought!!!

The second contestant made his way to the microphone and recited:

Tim and I off hunting went,

Come across three girls in a pop up tent.

They were three, and we were two,

So I bucked one, and Tim bucked two.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

While we are on poetry:

One night in the Reagan White House

Nancy went a missing

And where was Henry too?

Kissinger? No fucking her!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Last Christmas money was tight so my wife offered to go to the pub and see if she could charge any of the locals for a blowjob.

Hours later she came home with £100 and 50 pence.

"Which tight git gave you 50 pence?" , I asked her.

"They all did"

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By * and M lookingCouple
over a year ago

Worcester


"A guy walked up to me in the pub the other day after my phine had just rang and randomly asked "whats your ringtone"

Seemed a bit phased when I answered a light brown colour...why?

very subtle"

What subtle shade of Brown?

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