FabSwingers.com forum: Submissive safety checklist

By *oubyLover OP Woman
over a year ago

East Yorkshire

I’ve been pondering this thread for sometime but a message today has said it can’t wait! Like the ‘ask an owned sub’ thread, I’d like this to be a place to ask questions for submissives to learn how to choose a Dom and stay safe within a dynamic. Questions, comments and input are welcome from newbies or experienced Dom/mes and subs.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ikeC81Man
over a year ago

harrow

Well as a switch, I always ask a sub do they have a safe word, and I of being dm’ say I have a safe word

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *oubyLover OP Woman
over a year ago

East Yorkshire

I’ll start. If a ‘Dom’ has no verifications as a Dom ask questions about his views. If the answer includes things like safewords and crap like that are not needed, run a mile!! No self respecting Dom/me would ever say this (in my opinion, others may vary).

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *oubyLover OP Woman
over a year ago

East Yorkshire

If a Dom/me ignores a safeword, get out of the scene or relationship for your own safety.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I sometimes get messages from guys claiming to be doms telling me what they are going to do to me as an opening message.

My reply to them is that if they've decided what they are going to do to me without speaking to me, knowing what I'm into, and without knowing my boundaries then they don't really understand what dominance/submissiveness is actually about

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *otForSoftiesWoman
over a year ago

The North / Party Hard Everywhere

"I sometimes get messages from guys claiming to be doms telling me what they are going to do to me as an opening message.

Or the reverse. I get probably a couple of messages a week from a so called submissive saying please dominate me, you can do whatever you want with me. I don’t think these are real potential subs, just someone wanting a thrill and again don’t really understand what dominance/submissiveness is actually about.

If you want to be dominated but don’t know what, talk to a Dom/me, they will help you find the feeling you want to experience. They can also point you in the direction for learning more in whatever area that might be. If a Dom/me says yes to a generic ‘dom me’ request, don’t!!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *addyandbabyCouple
over a year ago

Bideford

As a sub it’s always worth speaking to a potential Doms previous play partners to find out if the Dom is safe and adheres to safewords and boundaries. Any good Dom will be able to tell you who to talk to, or talk to other subs on your local scene to get references. I believe this works the other way round too for Doms and Dommes.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *otForSoftiesWoman
over a year ago

The North / Party Hard Everywhere

Also, all the good Dom/mes I know (I know a lot!) all have high empathy. You need it to read people well. I once met one with low empathy (didn’t know at the time) and had a bad experience so I guess that suggests it’s a key question for subs to ask about a Dom/mes empathy up front. Or find evidence of it in their veris (or lack of, whether lack of empathy or veris of dom experience).

‘Normal’ veris don’t count for me, swinging is different to D/s. Consider if the veri is similar to what you’re exploring or wish for eg is the veri for a one off scene, they they have repeat D/s veris, is the veri for a D/s relationship. If I’m doubt ask to speak with the sub.

Of course if you go to local munches you can ask around, that’s if the person is known on the BDSM scene. People will be honest in person. Veris on here can be somewhat more limited.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *otForSoftiesWoman
over a year ago

The North / Party Hard Everywhere

"As a sub it’s always worth speaking to a potential Doms previous play partners to find out if the Dom is safe and adheres to safewords and boundaries. Any good Dom will be able to tell you who to talk to, or talk to other subs on your local scene to get references. I believe this works the other way round too for Doms and Dommes. "

Our postings crossed but you’re right. If the Dom won’t tell you who talk to, it could be a warning sign

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *addyandbabyCouple
over a year ago

Bideford

Our postings crossed but you’re right. If the Dom won’t tell you who talk to, it could be a warning sign "

I would definitely view it as a warning sign

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ucy LewdWoman
over a year ago

North Oxfordshire

"I’ll start. If a ‘Dom’ has no verifications as a Dom ask questions about his views. If the answer includes things like safewords and crap like that are not needed, run a mile!! No self respecting Dom/me would ever say this (in my opinion, others may vary). "

This self respecting dominant doesn't generally use safewords (except for heavy edgeplay and only when we've been playing some time).

Do you know why? Because I don't have to fuck about with making people remember words. I simply use the terms "yes" and "no".

I ask questions. I expect my subs to converse with me coherently. If they cannot do that part of the job then we are not compatible. And "no" is a much easier word to remember than some random word completely unconnected with everyday language.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *addyandbabyCouple
over a year ago

Bideford

This self respecting dominant doesn't generally use safewords (except for heavy edgeplay and only when we've been playing some time).

Do you know why? Because I don't have to fuck about with making people remember words. I simply use the terms "yes" and "no".

I’ve never found the traffic light system hard to remember and every Dom I’ve played with has always used it. Everyone knows what it means. That said when I play with my husband who knows me well we don’t use safe words

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *acavityMan
over a year ago

Redditch

This self respecting dominant doesn't generally use safewords (except for heavy edgeplay and only when we've been playing some time).

Do you know why? Because I don't have to fuck about with making people remember words. I simply use the terms "yes" and "no".

Some people use safe words, so they can say no and beg to stop, as part of the role play.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *oubyLover OP Woman
over a year ago

East Yorkshire

This self respecting dominant doesn't generally use safewords (except for heavy edgeplay and only when we've been playing some time).

Do you know why? Because I don't have to fuck about with making people remember words. I simply use the terms "yes" and "no".

For some in play no isn’t no and stop isn’t stop hence the clear and unambiguous safewords. But if you negotiate what semantics mean to you and the sub is clear then fair play to you.

The comment ‘safewords and crap like that are not needed’ was used early on in a conversation. Had he communicated in the way you have I would have continued the conversation to explore further but it’s still unlikely I’d play with someone unknown without safewords. But more than that had no veris as a dom yet wanted me to go to round and be put in chains without asking me what I was looking for, only what he does to subs, so I see the comment on safewords as a wider warning sign.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ay-89Woman
over a year ago

Norwich

Just putting a comment so I can find this easier later on. I've been intrigued by my submissive side for a while but havent really done anything about it so this is a great help. Thank you

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This self respecting dominant doesn't generally use safewords (except for heavy edgeplay and only when we've been playing some time).

Do you know why? Because I don't have to fuck about with making people remember words. I simply use the terms "yes" and "no".

I agree with this, I find it much easier to use 'no' than the traffic light system. I want to concentrate on enjoying myself, not remembering which colours mean what and in the moment I always naturally say no when I don't like something even when I've been asked to use the traffic light system so it just doesn't work for me!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *oubyLover OP Woman
over a year ago

East Yorkshire

‘No’ to me means you’re getting me close to where I need to be so it’s dont stop but take extra care. I communicate that in advance during negotiations and actively need someone to get me to ‘no’. Rarely someone can though.

We’re all different and why there’s such a need for communication and clarity in BDSM

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was talking to a guy he seemed very knowledgeable however two things put me off him. 1) the reluctance to answer a question I asked him he’d flip’it Or ask something else. 2) first day of talking wanting me to send loads of pics to him when I explained why I don’t do that he seemed ok at first and then few days later asking again and said if you’re reluctant to even do that I can’t see how you’ll be very kinky!

To me no respect for my boundaries

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *addyandbabyCouple
over a year ago

Bideford

"I was talking to a guy he seemed very knowledgeable however two things put me off him. 1) the reluctance to answer a question I asked him he’d flip’it Or ask something else. 2) first day of talking wanting me to send loads of pics to him when I explained why I don’t do that he seemed ok at first and then few days later asking again and said if you’re reluctant to even do that I can’t see how you’ll be very kinky!

To me no respect for my boundaries "

Totally agree with you, your not here to supply some guy you’ve never met with wank fodder

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I sometimes get messages from guys claiming to be doms telling me what they are going to do to me as an opening message.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I sometimes get messages from guys claiming to be doms telling me what they are going to do to me as an opening message.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ally_weaverMan
over a year ago

Stoneyburn

Always be wary of any dominant who refuses to learn, isolates you and emotionally manipulates you.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *rMrs CumalotCouple
over a year ago

East Mids

As stated earlier it’s about communication! We use the traffic light system but to be honest I know before she comments

Submitting is a huge deal and shouldn’t be taken lightly...... take your time, communicate.... take things at your pace.... trust is needed

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *iReyWoman
over a year ago

Cheshire East

If they’ve read 50 shades of shit and decided they’re a dom run a mile

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *eviant and BemusedCouple
over a year ago

Burton

Bullish men aren't Dom, they just think they are. A dominant should have a high degree of emotional intelligence. If you don't feel heard, it's not a good idea to put your wellbeing in their hands.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *otForSoftiesWoman
over a year ago

The North / Party Hard Everywhere

"Bullish men aren't Dom, they just think they are. A dominant should have a high degree of emotional intelligence. If you don't feel heard, it's not a good idea to put your wellbeing in their hands. "

Applies to females too

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *tace 309TV/TS
over a year ago

durham

"If they’ve read 50 shades of shit and decided they’re a dom run a mile "
50 shades thats a comedy .nothing like real bdsm at all

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *tace 309TV/TS
over a year ago

durham

Always use safe words .it doesn't mean you have to use them if you don't want to .I never ever use mine .I keep pushing and pushing .I'm exceptionally sub and way over the edge for most

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A real Dom/me should know who holds the real power.

The sub always has the power to say no and to use safe words to stop play at any time.

Submission is a gift to a dominant.

It's about communication and pushing boundaries and exploration together. Allowing your dominant to lead you. By reacting to your body language. You words. This takes time. And trust.

I'd definitely reccomend talking to previous Submissives.

But bdsm scenarious and relationships dynamics are different for everyone. Even a dominant and several different submissives. It's about what you want from it. And where you want to take it.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A real Dom/me should know who holds the real power.

The sub always has the power to say no and to use safe words to stop play at any time.

Submission is a gift to a dominant.

It's about communication and pushing boundaries and exploration together. Allowing your dominant to lead you. By reacting to your body language. You words. This takes time. And trust.

I'd definitely reccomend talking to previous Submissives.

But bdsm scenarious and relationships dynamics are different for everyone. Even a dominant and several different submissives. It's about what you want from it. And where you want to take it. "

this last bit is so true as I struggle to Domme my FB because hes not into pain or humiliation stuff but wants me to push him so I don’t really feel comfortable. If another guy enjoyed the pain and got off on that I know I could deliver it. I think as well we didn’t start of in an D/s real and it’s evolved so it’s harder I think. If we had have started this way I would have learnt more about this side of him during the times we’ve had together

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Fake Dominants ...fake Dominants everywhere....waves hand in the air for effect.

Know you gut instinct!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *emini ManMan
over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

Interesting thread bookmarking for later viewing but would agree that no two D/s relationships are alike - each has it's own dynamics and ways of doing things none of which are necessarily right or wrong, so long as ALL participants are informed, consenting and in agreement as to the dynamics of that specific relationship.

Anyone however that uses phrases such as "You can't be a true sub (or Dom/me) because..." is best avoided

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I insist on honest, open communication - leave the ego at the door and communicate. It is the only way that you can start to build the trust you need for D/s play. If a Dominant does not understand what the submissive needs/wants/desires then they will never deliver, if they do not understand the boundaries and limits then they are dangerous and likely turn consensual play into abuse.

Safewords are a must ... even if you agree that No is your safeword. If you don’t the the submissive as at risk and so is the Dominant. Consent is critical and without an agreed safe word that withdraws consent, the Dominant runs the risk of going too far and potentialy being charged with sexual assault.

We do this because we enjoy it, if it stops being fun then stop. Submissive can push themselves too far, do something they don’t really want to just to please thier Dominant - the same with Dominants doing something they are not happy with.

My personal rules for play:

1) honest open communication

2) safety

3) fun

If I do not have all of these then I walk away.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Interesting thread bookmarking for later viewing but would agree that no two D/s relationships are alike - each has it's own dynamics and ways of doing things none of which are necessarily right or wrong, so long as ALL participants are informed, consenting and in agreement as to the dynamics of that specific relationship.

Anyone however that uses phrases such as "You can't be a true sub (or Dom/me) because..." is best avoided

Yeah totally agree Gemini

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I insist on honest, open communication - leave the ego at the door and communicate. It is the only way that you can start to build the trust you need for D/s play. If a Dominant does not understand what the submissive needs/wants/desires then they will never deliver, if they do not understand the boundaries and limits then they are dangerous and likely turn consensual play into abuse.

My personal rules for play:

1) honest open communication

2) safety

3) fun

If I do not have all of these then I walk away. "

Sometimes the dominant doesn’t seem willing to have patience build trust and really try to understand

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Sometimes the dominant doesn’t seem willing to have patience build trust and really try to understand"

Then I would suggest that submissives see that as a red flag. It is the same with submissives who do not have the patience to build that level of trust - that for me is a red flag.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Wouldn't trust anyone dom on here .reading profiles most talk shite .

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Sometimes the dominant doesn’t seem willing to have patience build trust and really try to understand

Then I would suggest that submissives see that as a red flag. It is the same with submissives who do not have the patience to build that level of trust - that for me is a red flag."

you’re a breath of fresh air

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Wouldn't trust anyone dom on here .reading profiles most talk shite .

Agreed. The vast majority of ‘Dom’s on here seem to be single men that just want to use the title as a means to have rough sex and leave.

No understanding of the connection involved, the deep trust, the dynamic... the subtle nuances involved in bringing each partner to new heights.

It’s just ‘suck my cock, I’ll fuck u hard and spunk on ur face’

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Wouldn't trust anyone dom on here .reading profiles most talk shite .

Agreed. The vast majority of ‘Dom’s on here seem to be single men that just want to use the title as a means to have rough sex and leave.

No understanding of the connection involved, the deep trust, the dynamic... the subtle nuances involved in bringing each partner to new heights.

It’s just ‘suck my cock, I’ll fuck u hard and spunk on ur face’"

Ha yes they do

It’s bloody hard being a D i underestimated the responsibility involved

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *hocko87Man
over a year ago

dublin

Trust is a very big here . Both parties have to trust each other and with out it . A Dom sub relationship won't work .

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *hocko87Man
over a year ago

dublin

You certainly have to know what you are doing . Like a tradesman who know his stuff . I certainly would not know anyway .

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

An interesting thread. The sub dom relationship should be based on trust, respect and care. Submission as has been stated is a gift like no other and should be taken as so and cherished.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Wouldn't trust anyone dom on here .reading profiles most talk shite .

Agreed. The vast majority of ‘Dom’s on here seem to be single men that just want to use the title as a means to have rough sex and leave.

No understanding of the connection involved, the deep trust, the dynamic... the subtle nuances involved in bringing each partner to new heights.

It’s just ‘suck my cock, I’ll fuck u hard and spunk on ur face’"

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"An interesting thread. The sub dom relationship should be based on trust, respect and care. Submission as has been stated is a gift like no other and should be taken as so and cherished.

Can't obtain trust if dom is swinging

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *lkDomWhtSubBiCpleCouple
over a year ago

Somewhere / Everywhere /Kinksville

I have a question as a relatively new sub. What makes a good sub?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *dwalu2Couple
over a year ago

Bristol

"I sometimes get messages from guys claiming to be doms telling me what they are going to do to me as an opening message.

Very wise words.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 01/01/18 11:35:08]

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *dwalu2Couple
over a year ago

Bristol

This is perfectly put. Emotional sensitivity is an essential in D/S scenarios.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Fab is packed and stacked with assholes and opportunists who are out to take advantage of what they perceive to be vulnerable people.There are no universal rules and don't let anyone tell you that you're a bad or good submissive .It's finding a dom who has same needs as sub wants .Its based on trust and honesty so you can experiment with each other .I'm not sure a good dom who swings would be this unless your a couple .

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I have a question as a relatively new sub. What makes a good sub?"

Being completelyhonest and communicating with your Dom. Yes they want your submission but they don’t want to over step the mark or hurt you or ruin the relationship. Other more experienced people will probably have other thoughts

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *rMrs CumalotCouple
over a year ago

East Mids

"Can't obtain trust if dom is swinging

Not sure I agree, we met through swinging and when we first started getting to know each other we were both still swinging.

Once we decided we were right for each other we removed ourselves from swinging and started a “normal” relationship first, the submission came later but it was something we both knew we wanted and we talked about a lot before I decided to offer my submission.

It’s all relative, as has been said each d/s relationship (like each “normal” relationship) is individual. It is hard to find a real dom but there are some out there, from my experience and hubbys previous single profile they tend not to be “shouting” about being dom.

Mrs c xx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Can't obtain trust if dom is swinging

Not sure I agree, we met through swinging and when we first started getting to know each other we were both still swinging.

Mrs c xx "

Yes genuine nice guys maybe not shouting it out .I'm glad you found your match .It's nice too here about people finding love and relationship on here .

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Hi I must say as a Dom I'm enjoying this thread it gives great insight from a different perspective. So here is my take on it. Communications the key talk and discuss boundaries build up a trust without this its pointless and niether will get out of it what they want.Get the sub to write 3 lists things she likes .things she might like and definate no nos keep the lists for future discussions as they may change.A safe word must always be agreed before any play of any description takes place a good Dom will know his sub inside and out and know how far to push stopping just short of the sub having to use the safe word thus pushing boundaries ever so slightly each time.

I could write loads more.

But one thing you must remember A sub holds the ABSOLUTE power if a sub doesn't want it it's not going to happen !!!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *osmosgirlWoman
over a year ago

Wetherby

"Always be wary of any dominant who refuses to learn, isolates you and emotionally manipulates you. "

These types aren't Dominant, they are domineering and should be avoided.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Talking. That's the key.

If they aren't willing to get to know you and what you are prepared to tolerate with limits and respect this, I'd be out of there.

I'm not sure I'd have ever got myself into a D/s scenario without lots of messages and a real understanding of what they were about.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *hoenixcouplexxCouple
over a year ago

Leicestershire

[Removed by poster at 01/01/18 14:36:16]

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *hoenixcouplexxCouple
over a year ago

Leicestershire

"Can't obtain trust if dom is swinging

Not sure I agree, we met through swinging and when we first started getting to know each other we were both still swinging.

Mrs c xx "

Genuine Dom/me's don't shout about it because they don't need to and they dont give a shit what others think. Yours was wearing a sign above his head which is why you met

lol

To add swinging takes huge amounts of trust and honesty. Maybe not to the degree of D/s but it's still there. To say a genuine Dominant won't be found swinging is just flat out wrong. They're rare on here sure, thing is and here's the clincher 'they're rare everywhere'.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *oubyLover OP Woman
over a year ago

East Yorkshire

"Sometimes the dominant doesn’t seem willing to have patience build trust and really try to understand

Then I would suggest that submissives see that as a red flag. It is the same with submissives who do not have the patience to build that level of trust - that for me is a red flag."

to both

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *oubyLover OP Woman
over a year ago

East Yorkshire

Dominant versus domineering

Controlled versus controlling

Two of the tests of behaviour and demeanour I have to suss our potential Doms. The latter are to be avoided

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *hoenixcouplexxCouple
over a year ago

Leicestershire

@Loubylover I have an article I've written for another site on spotting a fake Dominant would you like me to post it? It's quite long.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

There seems to be this idea that Dominants can’t be swingers as well as Dominants or that it is very rare at least.

What are people’s thoughts on this?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *hoenixcouplexxCouple
over a year ago

Leicestershire

"There seems to be this idea that Dominants can’t be swingers as well as Dominants or that it is very rare at least.

What are people’s thoughts on this? "

I do thinks it's rare. But nothing to do with D/s and swinging mixing it is only rare in my opinion because genuine Dominants are rare.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *oubyLover OP Woman
over a year ago

East Yorkshire

"@Loubylover I have an article I've written for another site on spotting a fake Dominant would you like me to post it? It's quite long."

Yes please I’m sure it’d be of interest to many thanks

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I have a question as a relatively new sub. What makes a good sub?"

The only person qualified to answer this is the Dominant you submit too, also the only person whose opinion that matters is the person you submit too.

As long as you are a good submissive for your Dominant and your Dominant is a good Dominant for you - then that is all that really matters.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *oubyLover OP Woman
over a year ago

East Yorkshire

"There seems to be this idea that Dominants can’t be swingers as well as Dominants or that it is very rare at least.

What are people’s thoughts on this?

I do thinks it's rare. But nothing to do with D/s and swinging mixing it is only rare in my opinion because genuine Dominants are rare."

My ex Dom and I met as swingers. You get swingers, you get fet people then in the middle there is some crossover. Given the choice and if I could only have one it would be D/s. For me nothing compares to it

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *hoenixcouplexxCouple
over a year ago

Leicestershire

What is a fake Dominant and how the hell do you spot them?

I wish I had 10p for every time I had been asked that question.

I'm writing this in the hopes that some of my thoughts will help a submissive avoid what could very well be a situation that isn't going to end well for them or worse. As usual these are my thoughts and mine alone so by no means are they the be all and end all.

A fake: not genuine, imitation, counterfeit, forgery or sham. That's the dictionaries version of fake. But how do you tell if a person is one when considering a Dominant?

A genuine Dominant's first concern is the wellfair of the submissive. For a genuine Dominant it is almost pathological, that is what feeds their Dominant needs. That means they will want to know about you, you the person, you the human being, your life, your work, how you are, your kids, your relationships, your history.

It's simple really, you cannot be a Dominant to someone that you don't know intimately and by that I mean what are their needs, strengths, weaknesses, what makes them happy, what makes them tick, what matters to them in their life, how can you as a Dominant help them grow as a submissive. If you don't know those things you can't, is the answer, so someone that isn't interested in those things is therefore a fake Dominant or a preditor looking for easy prey.

I would add here that 'topping' for a scene is something entirely different to being a Dominant for someone.

The genuine Dominants primary driver won't be sex they won't be suggesting sex on a first meet or sexual contact to 'prove' you are a genuine submissive, they won't be demanding from day dot from hundreds or thousands of miles away by the internet, they won't be imposing restrictions on you at all until you have had a mutually agreeable conversation about what you desire and what they desire and finding the middle ground. Which will include agreement on punishment and wether it will even be involved at all. It is not a given and it is not a requirement.

They won't be requiring you to call them 'Sir' or 'Master' within five minutes or weeks of meeting you or talking to you online. Those titles are earn't or at least established over time spent in a relationship. But a fake Dominant will feel entitled to them. Because they don't have what it takes to be genuine.

On that note. There are online bdsm relationships and it is a known phenomenon however it must be considered that online is very easy, it's a game to pass the time. A wise submissive may well choose to play that game for their own amusement too but it is still a game, nothing has been invested in that relationship at all except text and words and talk is cheap. A genuine Dominant will make sure the submissive knows that in reality neither has invested in a relationship like that and they are just playing. They will not let a submissive invest emotionally into a relationship like that because that could well damage a submissive both emotionally and their confidence for the future, not to mention it just isn't healthy. No long term future is there for the submissive and a genuine Dominant will want a long term future for a submissive they are involved with.

A fake will try to convince the submissive what they have is different and they have found their own one true Dominant

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *hoenixcouplexxCouple
over a year ago

Leicestershire

A genuine Dominant has depth. They will have interest in all of you and your life not a singular part that will usually involve sexual contact or thrills of some description.

Not everyone will hit all of those things but a genuine Dominant looking to engage a new submissive will in my opinion engage almost all, if not all. If they don't hit most of them then I'd consider that a very sizeable 'red flag' which is a warning sign in the scene. Then you have to decide is it a big enough flag to walk away or does it just mean you should be aware and tread very carefully. It will mean one or the other though that is something I am very sure on.

A fake Dominant will often try to convince you of their experience in the scene. Now here's the thing... it is well known in the scene and excepted that references can and often are sort from previous submissive contacts. A genuine Dominant will be able to provide at least one.

If they were in a long term D/s relationship then they may only have one. But if they are a genuine Dominant it will not be refused by their previous sub out of respect for services rendered by that Dominant if they were a good one of course, if they weren't then you don't want to go there anyway. A D/s relationship is different from any other type of relationship, references are the norm, contacts should be provided on request if not..... red flag.

A genuine Dominant will suggest a public meet for the first meet usually or if they don't but you do they will completely understand and agree. The fact that a sub feels safe and that everything is open and honest will be important to them. If they are resistant to a public meet or any meet at all then it is a big indicator they have something to hide and if they have something to hide then it's not genuine.... in other words Fake.

As previously said a genuine Dominant puts the wellfair of their sub right at the very top of their priorities. Certainly after some trust has been established and it is deemed a relationship is in place. That means contact...

No not through the internet website or messenger service like ***** that maintains their anonymity. They will be open with phone numbers. Mobile number, home number and address too. There will not be restrictions on when you can and can't call. Obviously times at work would have to be considered. The point is there will not be restrictions in place because other 'people' may be present outside of working hours.

If there is an emergency who's duty is it to aid a submissive? If the submissive cannot contact them immediately to inform them say... 'I've had an accident in the car I need you'.

How can they be a Dominant to that sub? If they know that then they won't consider a relationship or they will make it clear that it is an online game rather than the genuine article. A Dominant may wish to educate their sub to be more independent, a sub may wish to be more independent but a genuine Dominant will always be available to their sub no matter when, where or what time of day it is. Or who else may be home

If they are hiding something then they are not genuine... in other words Fake.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *hoenixcouplexxCouple
over a year ago

Leicestershire

A fake Dominant will often seek to isolate a submissive having them believe that their way is the only way. Particularly from informed people within the scene and especially from other Dominants who maybe genuine and able to provide the real deal. Usually under the guise of 'their protection' but more often than not it is empowered by their own insecurities, it is used to have stronger control over a sub as there is no interference or influence from others.

You should never be restricted from seeking informed opinion from other sources or people. A genuine Dominant is always open to discussion, they may not agree and they may wish to handle their relationship in a different way but they should always listen to their submissives views.

A genuine Dominant doesn't lie, lying betrays weakness. A genuine Dominant does not ever want to appear weak. Vulnerable with their submissive at times sure, but never weak.

A fake Dominant will lie. That betrays weakness and reveals the fact that they are not in fact a Dominant but they may well be Domineering

As always if anyone has any more to add please feel free. Any personal experiences would be great too. I hope this helps guide others and can be used to good effect.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *osmosgirlWoman
over a year ago

Wetherby

"There seems to be this idea that Dominants can’t be swingers as well as Dominants or that it is very rare at least.

What are people’s thoughts on this?

I do thinks it's rare. But nothing to do with D/s and swinging mixing it is only rare in my opinion because genuine Dominants are rare."

I agree, they are rarer than hens teeth but once in a blue moon they appear, even on a swinger's site.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *otForSoftiesWoman
over a year ago

The North / Party Hard Everywhere

"A real Dom/me should know who holds the real power.

The sub always has the power to say no and to use safe words to stop play at any time.

A real Dom/me would stop if a safeword was used. WITHOUT FAIL. WITHOUT ARGUMENT. WITHOUT BLAME. Someone who doesn’t crosses over to abuse and non consent.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *osmosgirlWoman
over a year ago

Wetherby

A genuine Dominant doesn't lie, lying betrays weakness. A genuine Dominant does not ever want to appear weak. Vulnerable with their submissive at times sure, but never weak.

A fake Dominant will lie. That betrays weakness and reveals the fact that they are not in fact a Dominant but they may well be Domineering

As always if anyone has any more to add please feel free. Any personal experiences would be great too. I hope this helps guide others and can be used to good effect."

This has all been really good reading. Also, as already mentioned earlier, anyone who lacks the ability to show empathy and not have the sub's best interests at heart could, potentially, be a narcissist. Another red flag to observe.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A real Dom/me would stop if a safeword was used. WITHOUT FAIL. WITHOUT ARGUMENT. WITHOUT BLAME. Someone who doesn’t crosses over to abuse and non consent. "

Safe words are sacred and everything stops at the safe word. I cannot echo enough “WITHOUT FAIL. WITHOUT ARGUMENT. WITHOUT BLAME”

No genuine Dominant ever wants to push their submissive passed their limits and hurt them - physically, emotionally or mentally.

A submissive has to trust a Dominant to respect the safeword and the Dominant has to trust the submissive to use the safeword if they need to.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *otForSoftiesWoman
over a year ago

The North / Party Hard Everywhere

I hate to use the word fake in a blanket manner if I’m honest. There are dominants who good and bad eg respect safewords, then there are experienced and inexperienced eg know their craft/developing, then I guess there’s the mistaken lot who think being a dominant is taking/rough fucking. Hmmm need to think about this one some more but there’s something about ‘fake’ that doesn’t sit right with me. Does anyone else feel that too?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I understand what you are saying, something along the lines as a bad or unethical Dominant.

Everyone has to start somewhere and inexperience does not mean they are malicious or bad. Luckily I had two awesome mentors when I was learning, without that it would have been very difficult to learn.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A genuine Dominant doesn't lie, lying betrays weakness. A genuine Dominant does not ever want to appear weak. Vulnerable with their submissive at times sure, but never weak.

A fake Dominant will lie. That betrays weakness and reveals the fact that they are not in fact a Dominant but they may well be Domineering

As always if anyone has any more to add please feel free. Any personal experiences would be great too. I hope this helps guide others and can be used to good effect."

A very interesting read, thank you for posting. It’s reassured me that my instincts have been right. Not rushing into play with my sub when I don’t fully understand what he wants or if I don’t think I can give it appropriately at present. It’s reassuring that I’ve walked away from red flags from some fakes who have contacted me

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *hoenixcouplexxCouple
over a year ago

Leicestershire

Everyone definitely has to start somewhere and lack of experience does not necessarily mean that a Dom/me isn't the genuine article or any other term you choose to use.

Even so imo even an inexperienced Dom/me won't attempt something with a submissive when they have no clue what they are doing, in many cases as you know it can be flat out dangerous. Which to me says if they do attempt to play with no knowledge in the subject at all then they are not someone a submissive is going to benefit from being with and are not the real deal.

Wether you choose Fake, or bad or not genuine is just a matter of terminology.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *otForSoftiesWoman
over a year ago

The North / Party Hard Everywhere

Any other Dom/mes in the thread who do shibari or provide demos/education in some way might be interested in reading up about something I became aware of only in the last week. There’s been a consent violation at a workshop by someone considered a ‘rope god’ to many. The whole episode echos the Harvey Weinstein affair but in rope circles. I won’t name and shame as the post will be taken down but if interested message me and I’ll let you know where to find it.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *osmosgirlWoman
over a year ago

Wetherby

"I hate to use the word fake in a blanket manner if I’m honest. There are dominants who good and bad eg respect safewords, then there are experienced and inexperienced eg know their craft/developing, then I guess there’s the mistaken lot who think being a dominant is taking/rough fucking. Hmmm need to think about this one some more but there’s something about ‘fake’ that doesn’t sit right with me. Does anyone else feel that too? "

I agree as being Dominant can be construed as many things by people. After all, we all have different takes on labels. What suits one may not suit another.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *teveanddebsCouple
over a year ago

Norwich

I've always been a great believer in subs being mentored by subs and Dom(me)s by Dom(me)s.

So much so that I am instantly wary of Doms that offer to mentor a newbie sub.

Deb's safeword is 'antidisestablishmentarianism' spelled out using the phonetic alphabet.

It hasn't been used much (at all)

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Everyone has to start somewhere and I’ve had some bad experiences myself, personally I don’t like manipulative people and liars.

Submission is built on trust and respect, I have safe words which I have used and I’m not ashamed to admit to that.

I’d expect the dom/me that I’m submitting to listen to me and respect my decisions.

I have previously had someone contact me regarding submitting to them however that person felt unable to stay out of some other business of mine even when told by myself to. Obviously I felt that if that person was not able to listen to my words now then how could I possibly trust that person to listen to me if I used my safe word.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *osmosgirlWoman
over a year ago

Wetherby

"Everyone has to start somewhere and I’ve had some bad experiences myself, personally I don’t like manipulative people and liars.

Submission is built on trust and respect, I have safe words which I have used and I’m not ashamed to admit to that.

I’d expect the dom/me that I’m submitting to listen to me and respect my decisions.

Very wise words

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *oubyLover OP Woman
over a year ago

East Yorkshire

"I have a question as a relatively new sub. What makes a good sub?"

I had a ponder about this...

So for me it’s an openness to another person and with them to explore yourself. They help you to navigate that exploration. This is D/s relationship versus as hoc sceneing. To have clarity to communicate, to be open to listening, to share and be honest. To make your dom happy (because you enjoy that). To care about them and to adore them. To allow them to look after you, to open you up. To let them in fully. To trust them. To say when you’re scared and be willing to hold their hand when they help you with that. I so fucking miss this

Sceneing - to be clear what you need, communicate boundaries limits safewords, to check there’s a match on what the scene is, to trust (within the limit of something ad hoc). So much prefer a long term relationship but as hoc sceneing meets specific needs in the short term.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *unlinguyMan
over a year ago

South Dublin

I have a actually started dating someone a while ago 'yes she knows i have this profile' but i actually come in now fir the forums and chats. Anyway.. she is a sub and i have known from the start and i have asked her countless times to teach me to be what she needs me to be as a dom.. i have a very good friend who is a dom so im going to ask him more about it.. but here is my concern.. as her being a "sub" and in these "circles" sometimes a sub will give the details like the number of someone she knows is also a "sub" to someone she knows is a dom. I asked do you ask the other sub is it ok to do this without asking her 1st?? She said "YES".. that type of thing is accepted in these circles.. now my real question is... is that true or bullshit?

For the record im really liking what im reading and trying to learn more so if anyone has any pointers for a beginner please feel free to let me know.

Thanks..

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I have a actually started dating someone a while ago 'yes she knows i have this profile' but i actually come in now fir the forums and chats. Anyway.. she is a sub and i have known from the start and i have asked her countless times to teach me to be what she needs me to be as a dom.. i have a very good friend who is a dom so im going to ask him more about it.. but here is my concern.. as her being a "sub" and in these "circles" sometimes a sub will give the details like the number of someone she knows is also a "sub" to someone she knows is a dom. I asked do you ask the other sub is it ok to do this without asking her 1st?? She said "YES".. that type of thing is accepted in these circles.. now my real question is... is that true or bullshit?

For the record im really liking what im reading and trying to learn more so if anyone has any pointers for a beginner please feel free to let me know.

Thanks.. "

Well I don’t know about the lifestyle stuff and circles but I choose who I sub or Domme to. I can be extremely submissive but I can also be fierce it depends on the situation. I will never fully submit to someone because they say their a D. I’m really sorry but those that do are risking being taken advantage of (just my opinion!)

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *unlinguyMan
over a year ago

South Dublin

For the record im really liking what im reading and trying to learn more so if anyone has any pointers for a beginner please feel free to let me know.

Thanks..

Absolutley nothing for you to be sorry about

... as i said i just started dipping my toes as i only found someone who i can be like that with seen as i was married and this is 1st relationship since divorce over 2 yrs ago. So im just learning now.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

" ...as her being a "sub" and in these "circles" sometimes a sub will give the details like the number of someone she knows is also a "sub" to someone she knows is a dom. I asked do you ask the other sub is it ok to do this without asking her 1st?? She said "YES".. that type of thing is accepted in these circles.. now my real question is... is that true or bullshit? "

It happens, but I have only know it happen when the person introducing knows both parties very well and thinks they will get on! It is just the same as saying “fancy coming over and meeting a friend of mine, I think you’ll get on”.

As with any D/s relationship or even just a scene, there is a lot of communication and interviewing that goes on before anything happens.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Before I meet a submissive lady I always ask her limits and extremities ,we set down rules, boundaries a safe word,and make sure both parties agree to everything

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

One of the ladies I meet regular is a Dom usually but as we have a good relationship and mutual respect and trust she only subs to me and because of that trust and understanding can I take her to her limits and she knows I won't go beyond where she wants to be so op key things you need are trust ,respect and rules everyone understands

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *lkDomWhtSubBiCpleCouple
over a year ago

Somewhere / Everywhere /Kinksville

"I have a question as a relatively new sub. What makes a good sub?

I had a ponder about this...

Perhaps I’m not such a bad sub afterall then. Thank you

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *unlinguyMan
over a year ago

South Dublin

As with any D/s relationship or even just a scene, there is a lot of communication and interviewing that goes on before anything happens.

She actually gave the number of a girl she knows to be a "sub" to a guy she been texting but never met claiming to be a "dom" without asking the girl 1st..now as i stated im completely green behind the ears in relation to this.. but that right there i would have classed as a big no-no..

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *oubyLover OP Woman
over a year ago

East Yorkshire

[Removed by poster at 01/01/18 17:37:45]

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I just received a first message from a guy claiming to be an experienced dom staying that he would like to train me, giving me strict rules to live my entire life by and in return I might get the privilege of dropping my entire life to move in with him, becoming his live in sub completely under his control.

Does he actually think anyone is going to say yes to that as a first message from a stranger?!

I nearly just sent him a link to this forum thread as a reply!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *igwilly2kMan
over a year ago

The Land of Kink!

Whaaaat!? He's not.going to get very far with messages like that!

Too many fake dominants on this website unfortunately and not enough genuine KINKSTERS!

I'm on another well known FETISH site about LIFE and a premium member on there, still alittle difficult to meet normal Sane people.

Any one normal and sane feel free to send me a message, alswya s up for a coffee and social x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *oubyLover OP Woman
over a year ago

East Yorkshire

"I just received a first message from a guy claiming to be an experienced dom staying that he would like to train me, giving me strict rules to live my entire life by and in return I might get the privilege of dropping my entire life to move in with him, becoming his live in sub completely under his control.

Does he actually think anyone is going to say yes to that as a first message from a stranger?!

I nearly just sent him a link to this forum thread as a reply!"

You should have done!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

" ... She actually gave the number of a girl she knows to be a "sub" to a guy she been texting but never met claiming to be a "dom" without asking the girl 1st..now as i stated im completely green behind the ears in relation to this.. but that right there i would have classed as a big no-no.. "

BIG NO-NO! In anyone’s book that is not on regardless of D/s, Swinging or anything else!!!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *unlinguyMan
over a year ago

South Dublin

BIG NO-NO! In anyone’s book that is not on regardless of D/s, Swinging or anything else!!! "

Thanks for confirming what i thought to be a bullshit excuse when i mentioned ya cant be doing stuff like that.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *osmosgirlWoman
over a year ago

Wetherby

Does he actually think anyone is going to say yes to that as a first message from a stranger?!

I nearly just sent him a link to this forum thread as a reply!"

What? And you weren't profoundly grateful for being picked out to be his 'special one'?

Some people are just too picky

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *oubyLover OP Woman
over a year ago

East Yorkshire

Does he actually think anyone is going to say yes to that as a first message from a stranger?!

I nearly just sent him a link to this forum thread as a reply!

What? And you weren't profoundly grateful for being picked out to be his 'special one'?

Some people are just too picky

Yeah #crapsub alert

(joking, he’s a dick)

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *hoenixcouplexxCouple
over a year ago

Leicestershire

"I have a question as a relatively new sub. What makes a good sub?

I had a ponder about this...

There are so may truths in your writing here. Makes me all warm and fuzzy inside

who ever heard of a warm and fuzzy Dom lol

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *hoenixcouplexxCouple
over a year ago

Leicestershire

As with any D/s relationship or even just a scene, there is a lot of communication and interviewing that goes on before anything happens.

A Dom will read, listen take on all the advice and then do what they feel is right and make it clear

Imho she put another sub at risk potentially. Dangerous game to play unless the other girl is an experienced sub that understands all the risks and they have a standing arrangement, which doesn't sound the case.

Sorry

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *hoenixcouplexxCouple
over a year ago

Leicestershire

Does he actually think anyone is going to say yes to that as a first message from a stranger?!

I nearly just sent him a link to this forum thread as a reply!"

He's a proper charmer how could you resist?! Lol

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *unlinguyMan
over a year ago

South Dublin

As with any D/s relationship or even just a scene, there is a lot of communication and interviewing that goes on before anything happens.

A Dom will read, listen take on all the advice and then do what they feel is right and make it clear

Sorry"

No need at all to be sorry.. all the advice i can learn and get is most welcome

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *oubyLover OP Woman
over a year ago

East Yorkshire

"I have a question as a relatively new sub. What makes a good sub?

I had a ponder about this...

There are so may truths in your writing here. Makes me all warm and fuzzy inside

who ever heard of a warm and fuzzy Dom lol"

Well it’s my truth. I’m sure some subs have different opinions or ways to express it. But it makes me warm and fuzzy too

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *oubyLover OP Woman
over a year ago

East Yorkshire

No need at all to be sorry.. all the advice i can learn and get is most welcome"

Try to find local fet munches and talk to others dom and sub. You’ll learn and make friends of a similar mind x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think it should be defined from the outset if it is a s/d relationship only.

As in my experience in the past the lines can get confused to what the sub is really looking for.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ticky_vikkiWoman
over a year ago

Herts

Just putting myself in here so I can find it again

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *alcon43Woman
over a year ago

Paisley

"I have a question as a relatively new sub. What makes a good sub?

As a sub you should read The story of O. Long before 50 shades. Do your research, don’t feel bullied and feel comfortable with your Dom/me. The fet scene is complicated and the D/s relationship is varied in the level of submissiveness. It can be control, pain, sensory deprivation, orgasm control, and many other things. It’s a very personal relationship and Dom/mes should know how to look after their subs after play as well as during play. There should be a come down after play involving massage, talking, relaxing. Also there can be sub drop a day or two after play. Sweet things such as chocolate can help.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *alcon43Woman
over a year ago

Paisley

I’m sub and have to say I have recently met two lovely Dom guys on here who really know their stuff. It is possible to find them on here so please do not disregard everyone.

Another great place to learn is kink nights at swingers clubs or fet nights which may be at fet clubs or dungeons. Learn about the different things that can be used such as floggers, paddles, blindfolds, etc. Message other subs on here if you have questions too.

Lots of great advice on here.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have a Domme who’s on here. I also have a very kinky fb on here. I have kinky fun with both. Both push my limits in different ways. With my fb it is all about the kinky sex and fun. With my domme it’s about him having control. Both understand I am ultimately in control. My fb respects my domme and I do not wear any collar with my fb as that is a marker for when Sir and I play. He places my collar on and I’m straight in sub mode. I have the same safe words with both. I have a word that signifies that I’m close to my limit please off a little then my stop instantly safe word. There definitely has to be mutual understanding and trust there. But I highly recommend that you talk to any potential domme for a while first so that you can get a feel of what they are like. I always have my domme remove my collar, then he thanks me and gets me a drink. We then lay and he cuddles me in, strokes my face and we chat. That shows me he respects me and cares about me. I do know though that I’m a lucky thing having a domme and a kinky as hell fb lol

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *unlinguyMan
over a year ago

South Dublin

No need at all to be sorry.. all the advice i can learn and get is most welcome

Try to find local fet munches and talk to others dom and sub. You’ll learn and make friends of a similar mind x"

Thank you

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ymph and ManicCouple
over a year ago

North East

"I sometimes get messages from guys claiming to be doms telling me what they are going to do to me as an opening message.

... nice to hear someone who actually knows and not a wannabe .. like many many so called "doms" ...

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *otForSoftiesWoman
over a year ago

The North / Party Hard Everywhere

"Dom/mes should know how to look after their subs after play as well as during play. There should be a come down after play involving massage, talking, relaxing. Also there can be sub drop a day or two after play. Sweet things such as chocolate can help. "

Thank you yes, after care is so important

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I don’t suppose anyone would like to join a chat group about this?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *emini ManMan
over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

Have just had a chance to catch up and read the thread from where I left it last and it's continued to be both informative and interesting and exactly the type of thread there should be more of on Fab in general. So thanks all for the thoughts and insights.

Phoenixcouplexx, your article is great, well written, well thought out and something that anyone (Dom/me or sub) would do well to read and take heed of.

NFS was giving some thought to your "is fake the right word?" comment and it's an interesting thought - after all just because our own personal definition of what constitutes a Dom/me (or for that matter a sub) may be one thing - what's to suggest that another's has to be the same? Ergo one person's "fake" may be another person's "genuine" - if that makes sense.

The key as I suggested in my earlier post, is that all people involved in a given D/s relationship (whether that be long term or otherwise) should be informed (as in knowledgeable) and consenting - therefore perhaps a better term to use than fake would be "ill informed"?

Anyway a most thought provoking thread

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *otForSoftiesWoman
over a year ago

The North / Party Hard Everywhere

Thanks Gemini.

This is a question for Dom/mes - how do you know you have consent?

And for subs - how do you make sure you have given consent? Is it explicit consent? What do you do if you find yourself doing something that’s not been agreed?

This stems from the ‘rope god’ consent violation that some of you have now read up about. Assumed consent isn’t consent. Implied consent isn’t always consent. I always love to refer back to the cup of tea video.

I used to know a Dom who got every sub to fill out a questionnaire and sign it so the remit was very clear. I thought that was over the top however I’m now thinking that’s a very wise choice, especially if you scene with lots of different subs and those on the extreme end.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *hoenixcouplexxCouple
over a year ago

Leicestershire

"Thanks Gemini.

This is a question for Dom/mes - how do you know you have consent?

And for subs - how do you make sure you have given consent? Is it explicit consent? What do you do if you find yourself doing something that’s not been agreed?

If it's one scene then. A lot of clear discussion and I ask. Then I make sure I don't step outside of the boundaries of consent.

If it is a longer term arrangement I do what the Dom you used to know does. I have it in writing.

However it is worth noting that in law a lot of bdsm is still abuse. It is a difficult one to protect all involved when the law is written such, so we can only do what we can and many many people just don't do it.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago

Up on them there hills

Great thread and great observations.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *otForSoftiesWoman
over a year ago

The North / Party Hard Everywhere

"I don’t suppose anyone would like to join a chat group about this? "

In principal it’s a good idea but I’m practice this never works for me with too many messages coming through that I can’t keep up with and occasionally some taking the liberty of messaging or calling me personally because they have my number as part of the group.

I think it may be worth having a numbered thread like bbw et al for general BDSM chat as we can’t have a forum. I’ll start one and reference this thread

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I am very keen on further discussions on a group thread, let me know what I need to do or how to do it!!

With regards consent:

Hard limits and boundaries are agreed prior to play.

Safe words are agreed, checked prior to play and reaffirmed at stages through out the scene.

The initial scene will never go near their limits but it will be a chance to get to know each other and build up trust.

If at anytime during the scene that I feel that consent is an issue then I will specifically ask for a traffic light signal.

This may sound like it interferes with the scene or disrupts the flow but I will not put myself or my submissive in a position where consent may be compromised.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *piritsonfabCouple
over a year ago

Nottingham

My Dom was very experienced when we met and that was very clear from the start. Other Doms and subs vouched for his authenticity and he gave me their details readily.

He had me fill out a very long questionairre that went way beyond the usual and took me hours/days to complete and many hours of online discussion.

He slowed me down when I was a kid in a sweet shop wanting to try everything at once.

It was over a month after meeting before he finally played with me.

I was very lucky that I found him in my very first foray into the scene.

I'd had to bat away lots of pretenders before that (online) so it's possible to suss them out even if you're new;);)

Wishing everyone the luck I had

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Something as I domme that always concerns me is when strangers play in a swingers club or bdsm club and don’t ask about the subs health issues it’s something I always ask especially as I seem to more sensory deprivation, orgasm control and electric play than impact play. I’ve also been known to do demonstrations at my local swingers club about warming up and bringing down as it’s really not all about giving a hard spanking/flogging or if you can make a woman squirt/rough sex it’s having the knowledge and skills (& obviously control) to take someone on a journey safely and guide them to their boundaries, test their limits but never past them.

Musicmaid x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *hoenixcouplexxCouple
over a year ago

Leicestershire

If at anytime during the scene that I feel that consent is an issue then I will specifically ask for a traffic light signal.

This may sound like it interferes with the scene or disrupts the flow but I will not put myself or my submissive in a position where consent may be compromised. "

I do this exact same thing. I state before play I may ask for a colour during play if I do I want you to refer to the traffic light system think about how you feel and call a colour.

It's worked well for new submissive too. I also ask when I fully expect them to call green to get them used to it.

I find it's one of the best ways to stay in touch without disrupting the scene to much. It's just about timing.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *hoenixcouplexxCouple
over a year ago

Leicestershire

"My Dom was very experienced when we met and that was very clear from the start. Other Doms and subs vouched for his authenticity and he gave me their details readily.

He had me fill out a very long questionairre that went way beyond the usual and took me hours/days to complete and many hours of online discussion.

He slowed me down when I was a kid in a sweet shop wanting to try everything at once.

It was over a month after meeting before he finally played with me.

I was very lucky that I found him in my very first foray into the scene.

I'd had to bat away lots of pretenders before that (online) so it's possible to suss them out even if you're new;);)

Wishing everyone the luck I had

Bdsm checklist... I have my own which I have edited to make mine. It's a great part of the journey. We go back to it even now to change things and explore things.

It's fun going through it and learning for the sub too I think. Nudges boundaries and makes people think.

It's one of the things I suggest subs should be looking for in Dominants that claim experience because it's one of the few ways they have of getting all the information they should want and need as a Dominant.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *piritsonfabCouple
over a year ago

Nottingham

"My Dom was very experienced when we met and that was very clear from the start. Other Doms and subs vouched for his authenticity and he gave me their details readily.

He had me fill out a very long questionairre that went way beyond the usual and took me hours/days to complete and many hours of online discussion.

He slowed me down when I was a kid in a sweet shop wanting to try everything at once.

It was over a month after meeting before he finally played with me.

I was very lucky that I found him in my very first foray into the scene.

I'd had to bat away lots of pretenders before that (online) so it's possible to suss them out even if you're new;);)

Wishing everyone the luck I had

Bdsm checklist... I have my own which I have edited to make mine. It's a great part of the journey. We go back to it even now to change things and explore things.

It's fun going through it and learning for the sub too I think. Nudges boundaries and makes people think.

I agree. It was embarrassing foe me initially, which also gave him lots of information!

Now it's hot as Hell to review occasionally and see how many things have switched places;)

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *hoenixcouplexxCouple
over a year ago

Leicestershire

"My Dom was very experienced when we met and that was very clear from the start. Other Doms and subs vouched for his authenticity and he gave me their details readily.

He had me fill out a very long questionairre that went way beyond the usual and took me hours/days to complete and many hours of online discussion.

He slowed me down when I was a kid in a sweet shop wanting to try everything at once.

It was over a month after meeting before he finally played with me.

I was very lucky that I found him in my very first foray into the scene.

I'd had to bat away lots of pretenders before that (online) so it's possible to suss them out even if you're new;);)

Wishing everyone the luck I had

Bdsm checklist... I have my own which I have edited to make mine. It's a great part of the journey. We go back to it even now to change things and explore things.

It's fun going through it and learning for the sub too I think. Nudges boundaries and makes people think.

I agree. It was embarrassing foe me initially, which also gave him lots of information!

Now it's hot as Hell to review occasionally and see how many things have switched places;)"

I know exactly what y9u are talking about lol.

I got questions like 'People really do that?!!' Lol

The interesting thing is the things where until you actually really consider something that maybe one would assume you wouldn't do and is it a limit either hard or soft. Only then when being totally honest would my sub look embarrassed and say 'I don't think I want to make that a limit at all'

Mmmmm the memories lol

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A checklist is perfect - it opens up communication and gives you areas to discuss. I revisit mine fairly regularly and it is amazing how my limits have changed in the 15 odd years of doing this.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *hoenixcouplexxCouple
over a year ago

Leicestershire

"A checklist is perfect - it opens up communication and gives you areas to discuss. I revisit mine fairly regularly and it is amazing how my limits have changed in the 15 odd years of doing this. "

Definitely. Even for new Dom/mes. When I first started out I got a checklist and made sure I researched everything on it. Then I started adding to it and changing it to fit me. Helped me out no end and for a Dom it's a no brainer. How can you give someone a list to complete unless you know exactly what's on it and what they are signing up to.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *emini ManMan
over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

I think the checklists are a great way of focussing the mind, even for someone not currently playing - they make you stop and think for one and the decent ones have such a range of activities listed that you may not have immediately thought of.

Would definitely recommend them to both individuals looking to scene together for the first time as well as anyone considering exploring D/s

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

" Definitely. Even for new Dom/mes. When I first started out I got a checklist and made sure I researched everything on it. Then I started adding to it and changing it to fit me. Helped me out no end and for a Dom it's a no brainer. How can you give someone a list to complete unless you know exactly what's on it and what they are signing up to."

When I was starting out two Dommes I knew suggest that to understand and appreciate what a sub goes through I should experience it for myself. And it was the best thing I ever did.

You are right. How can a Dominant know what a sub is going through unless they get an idea themselves.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *piritsonfabCouple
over a year ago

Nottingham

"I think the checklists are a great way of focussing the mind, even for someone not currently playing - they make you stop and think for one and the decent ones have such a range of activities listed that you may not have immediately thought of.

Would definitely recommend them to both individuals looking to scene together for the first time as well as anyone considering exploring D/s

We have several now. Our own in depth one, one for new female partners to complete for my Dom, and another for me to complwte when i'm playing with other Doms.

My limits and likes are very different depending on who I'm subbing to;)

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *hoenixcouplexxCouple
over a year ago

Leicestershire

Would definitely recommend them to both individuals looking to scene together for the first time as well as anyone considering exploring D/s

We have several now. Our own in depth one, one for new female partners to complete for my Dom, and another for me to complwte when i'm playing with other Doms.

My limits and likes are very different depending on who I'm subbing to;)"

That's a great idea. One to fit every occasion

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

Post new Message to Thread