FabSwingers.com forum: Married first swing later

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Hello.

I was pondering today how I would feel if my wife had told me after a couple of years of monogamy that she wanted to swing and I really don't know. I think if we had signed up to monogamy I would wonder if I was suddenly less than perfect for her. I would may be think that she wanted others and not me. Maybe I wasn't holding her attention?? Now that clearly isn't the case as couples are here and are together and swing after many years together and monogamous.

So, how was it broached in your relationship?

My wife and I have always had an open relationship. I was swinging before I met her and on the 1st proper date explained that this was who I was and this is how it would stay. She was quite thrilled at trying something new and we have continued. Even adjusted our civil partnership vows to fit who we are.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *uckandbunnyCouple
over a year ago

In your bed

It has always been a topic of discussion, but ironically never actually did it until after we were married.

Everyone is so different though as a couple we are emotionally monogomous I would say. I have no want to have an equal relationship with anyone but my wife( I think, hope) she feels the same way. Swinging for us is a bit like, bondage, or going to the cinema, it's an added extra that we can do when we are in the mood and when we get the chance to have a babysitter. If either of us decided we where no longer up for it, that would not be the end of us, just the end of us swinging.

But I get everyone is different and the most you can hope for is love, trust and honesty and at least that way everyone knows where they stand.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *arambarMan
over a year ago

swindon

My ex wife broached the subject, admittedly when our relationship was already on its last legs. Initially I wasn't bowled over with the idea because I had some hang ups about it, but we talked and talked and talked, and to be honest I was prepared to try anything at that stage to save my marriage. I should point out that this was about us swinging separately not together... that probably tells you a lot about the state of our marriage by that time.

I remember us having numerous conversations about how even though you can be married, it doesn't stop you seeing someone in the street or in the pub or at work and thinking you'd like to have sex with them. Not marry nor settle down and have kids with them... just casual sex simply for the fun of it. Of course I'd had those feelings throughout our marriage, but they were just fantasies in my head that I wouldn't have gone through with at that time.

I'm not religious in the slightest so it had nothing to do with marriage vows said before God. Instead it had a lot to do with my belief in society's expectation that us humans are a monogamous bunch. Or maybe I just knew that as a woman she'd be able to get laid much easier than I would.

I see a few threads on here where married men are asking for advice on how they can get their wife to agree to swinging... in my case it was the reverse. I don't know whether that's common or not.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *eakcoupleCouple
over a year ago

peak district

We started swinging not long after we'd met, a couple of years before we were married. Neither of us had swung before (apart from some casual group stuff when much younger).

Swinging didn't put us off one another, quite the opposite in fact. If you've been married before we think it would be much harder to start. After several years of marriage, G suggested to his ex that they try a nearby swinger club, and she had a big sense of humour failure!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I see a few threads on here where married men are asking for advice on how they can get their wife to agree to swinging... in my case it was the reverse. I don't know whether that's common or not. "

I'll spare the gory details as they are my private cross to bear, but you are not alone

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

ours came about as hubby wanted to watch me with other guys so he wasn't asking to play with other women so easier to approach the subject i guess

it was then me that decided to bring other women into it as i decided that maybe i would get as much enjoyment watching him as he did me and luckily i was right

guess it could be a mine field though

ours just seemed to develop along the way i guess

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Basically i'm married(as of 1 year ago) even though my profile states differently because I think still being with someone might put a load of the single girls off. (My wife is on here as 'single' as well).

Basically she wanted an open relationship, dropped the idea on me one day and pretty much did what she wanted. (She didn't want to have a MF profile either). I have had less than a handful of meets through another site but was hoping to get some here but still struggling to get my first verification yet.

Anyhow, in her private gallery my wife has a 'risque pic' of her with one of the guy's she met and also her comments from guys and hers back to them are mostly filled with sexual connetations etc.

Right now my mind is slowly falling apart and however easy it is to just ignore the comments I keep getting drawn back and make myself feel sick reading them. I know I can shut it out of my mind if I have some nice comments back and am able to give nice comments back to others.

I've even invited those i've met through another site to come on here to help me out but because they aren't verified then i'm still stuck on square one. I'm hoping just one person will be willing to at least spend half an hour allowing me to drive them to a pub of their choice and buy them a drink in exchange for being verified because it's starting to eat away at me right now as daft as it sounds.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Basically i'm married(as of 1 year ago) even though my profile states differently because I think still being with someone might put a load of the single girls off. (My wife is on here as 'single' as well).

Anyhow, in her private gallery my wife has a 'risque pic' of her with one of the guy's she met and also her comments from guys and hers back to them are mostly filled with sexual connetations etc.

not wishing to over step the mark but getting some nice comments isn't going to help the way you feel about her verivications in my honest opinion, i think you need to sit down and discuss how it is all making you feel as from how i read what you say it doesn't seem to be healthy, mentally that is.

swinging is not detrimental to relationships as long as everyone is happy with what is happening and unless i'm reading you wrong your not happy so this will only tear you apart it will never bring you closer whilst you are feeling the way you say

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think it's a case of the comments are a public display of making her and them feel wanted.

Having 0 is making me feel unwanted and to be honest downright repulsive but luckily one of my fb's from another site has signed up and can hopefully get herself verified so she can then verify me and give each other the feedback.

As for the talking part. My wife wants to stop and try for a kid now. (Since she's had loads of meets now and is all done and out her system). But due to my stumbling block having not been too keen on the idea in the first place I don't feel ready for it to end.

All I need is one nice comment and my confidence etc will fly back but that blank page is just eating away at me.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire

Although not married we where both swingers before we met so it was easy

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I think it's a case of the comments are a public display of making her and them feel wanted.

All I need is one nice comment and my confidence etc will fly back but that blank page is just eating away at me. "

having been married and split up and been a swinger outside of marriage and seen others split up because of it, you and your wife are showing all the signs of insecurity, where one is enjoying the lifestyle more than the other. I suggest you both stop for a while and seek some councelling. a baby at this stage doesnt sound like a great idea!! sorry for being blunt but a verification will not paper over the cracks in your floundering marriage!!

unless you like the drama and being slightly dominated or going towards being cuckolded?? cant make my mind up??

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Interesting replies - thankyou.

I can't really comment on heydude as I get a little sceptical when people seem to be playing unpleasant games.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

No, i'm actually not into that whole cuckold thing. One of the women I met through another site has a husband who is hence where i'm on the 'bull' side there if anything.

My wife dropped it on me one day that she wanted an open relationship because we were both inexperienced so she got me to try a few sites. I've met a couple of people from another site but I think the thing that was bothering me the other day was that on this site in particular it's in my face because of the verification comments.

I know it's easy to just not visit her profile but I know they are there now. The other annoying thing was one of these guys was a right twat to her after he got what he wanted and has obviously put 0 effort into his profile yet for some reason is successful. Do women prefer sleaze like that to being asked out for a casual drink? If so i'll change my approach from nice guy to being more sleazy.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *iggles and BeardyCouple
over a year ago

Bristol

Ask her to block you, then you can't see her feedbacks, so won't keep looking and torturing yourself.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

That might be the best option. That's why she hasn't added me as a friend because she has a 'specific pic' with one of the guys from a meet as well in the pics only friends can see although I have already seen it briefly when she showed me on her mobile.

I think being able to talk about it is helping so I apologise if i'm being long winded but i'm more chilled today.

Now that she's had meets well into double figures, rubbed comments and pics in my face almost and stamped all over my confidence, she's happy for us to stop and settle down again. Only thing is now i'm not in the right mind set settling down until i've built my own confidence back up again.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"No, i'm actually not into that whole cuckold thing. One of the women I met through another site has a husband who is hence where i'm on the 'bull' side there if anything.

because of the nature of this site, your wife is likely to get far more compliments than you are.

no point in beating yourself up over that - it's a fact !

that doesn't mean you are less attractive than her - but there are more men chasing women than there are men chasing women.

in addition, women are treated here with far more trust than the men are - so whereas her profile says single and is likely to be accepted as so, a lot of (but not all) women will look at a single mans profile with an air of suspiscion and cynicism.

on a more serios note, opening your heart in here might get you some tea and sympathy but won't tackle the issues within your marriage.

it is them i would suggest that you both need to work on, rather than you trying to make yourself feel better in here.

you evidently have self worth issues that look like they are being made worse by your wifes wish to have a more open relationship.

you need to work on them 'in real life'

she will either be with you on it or will fight against it

only then will you find the validation you feel you need (or not)

good luck and i hope it works out for you both x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Hey dude I think and its just ny honest opinion you need to take time and think what's important in life your profile says your seperated and your not going back but your post yesterday I think saying your wife has stopped meeting , which from the sounds of it you weren't to happy about her meeting in the first place, as she wants to try for a baby, either way this really doesn't sound like an ideal situation to be meeting new potental playfriends just my opinion of course and being verfified isn't really going to make life all better. Just my opinion.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Thanks for the constructive feedback. Yeah I think it's a case of even if guys knew she was with someone they'd go with it anyway whereas women might be put off and skeptical because i'm betting there are some actual 'single guys' who aren't really single when they say they are.

She's away visiting her parents and had a meet off here on Sunday just gone but I won't get to see her in person until I travel on Friday so i'm hoping to iron out some of the issues.

I might suggest to her if we could set up a couples profile but play separate(when she suggested the open thing she didn't like the idea of a straight up swap with another couple). Quite ironic that she comes on here

Anyhow, at least that way it might make a few more less skeptical about how single I am if she's involved. Would actually be pretty cool if she picked some out for me like a female cuckold by way of apology for her actions being more in my face(My few have all been discreet and only told her what she wanted to know such as who i'm with and where I am).

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Hey dude I think and its just ny honest opinion you need to take time and think what's important in life your profile says your seperated and your not going back but your post yesterday I think saying your wife has stopped meeting , which from the sounds of it you weren't to happy about her meeting in the first place, as she wants to try for a baby, either way this really doesn't sound like an ideal situation to be meeting new potental playfriends just my opinion of course and being verfified isn't really going to make life all better. Just my opinion. "

We're not separated, we're together but in an open relationship but she actually wrote the latest version of my profile to help me and thought it was better to put that I was separated because women might be put off if I was still with her.

So looking at that. If i'm in the situation where it's open and i'm still living with her is it better to put that or to go as single? I thought with her being female(obv) she'd have the best judgement on how to word the situation in my profile.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Thanks for the constructive feedback. Yeah I think it's a case of even if guys knew she was with someone they'd go with it anyway whereas women might be put off and skeptical because i'm betting there are some actual 'single guys' who aren't really single when they say they are.

She's away visiting her parents and had a meet off here on Sunday just gone but I won't get to see her in person until I travel on Friday so i'm hoping to iron out some of the issues.

do you actually want a swinging lifestyle though ?

if you don't, and it makes you sad or causes inner turmoil you need to confront it !

it's not easy. i have been through it with my partner.

my situation is different as she cannot provide what i seek and is not interested at all in a swinging lifestyle.

that said, it took a lot of soul searching, arguments and tears to get where we are at now !

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

" We're not separated, we're together but in an open relationship but she actually wrote the latest version of my profile to help me and thought it was better to put that I was separated because women might be put off if I was still with her.

Sorry, I didn't see this post before I made my last.

Be a man, grow some fkin nuts and get it confronted !

I don't know the finer details but it looks like manipulation to me - and the manipulation is most definately not in YOUR best interest

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yeah that's why she's had her cake and ate it because she's managed to get her fill of meeting people all within the space of say 2-3 months and now wants to settle down whereas because it's naturally slower for men to get the interest i'm going to tell her i'm not ready and she'll have to accept that or do one. I think my worst day was Monday-Tuesdayish but now i'm picking the confidence back up off the floor and getting on the right track.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Well honestly is big for me don't like being lied to although it has happens and im sure it will again so I'm sure potential friends would want the truth in fact deserve the truth as oposed to what you have there now, but like I have said I think you don't seem to happy with either your wifes meeting people and having sex or your lack of success either way you need to talk to your wife and sort that out before as a verfefcation really isn't going to change things just my opinion

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

See the whole situation that you have brought to the forums is the reason I dont play with couples 1 on 1 or guys within relationships with their partners consent.

Thats a big minefield I dont want to be involved in.

And as a female, I would feel tricked if I was chatting to someone that I thought was seperated only to find out that they were married, there would be no way I would be meeting them.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Be carfull what you wish for

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

And as a female, I would feel tricked if I was chatting to someone that I thought was seperated only to find out that they were married, there would be no way I would be meeting them."

Thanks for that, i'll edit the profile accordingly. That's why I asked her originally and she thought it would be better to put it like that but then again she made a couple of bad judgement calls with a couple of the guys who turned out to be twats after getting what they wanted.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

" That's why I asked her originally and she thought it would be better to put it like that but."

I refer you to my earlier 'manipulation' comment !

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I refer you to my earlier 'manipulation' comment !"

Yeah hers says 'separated but still living with ex' and obviously guys will take that as gospel.

You think she deliberately put it in mine knowing that women don't like lies to sabotage me?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I refer you to my earlier 'manipulation' comment !

Yeah hers says 'separated but still living with ex' and obviously guys will take that as gospel.

You think she deliberately put it in mine knowing that women don't like lies to sabotage me?

Only you no the answer to that.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I refer you to my earlier 'manipulation' comment !

Yeah hers says 'separated but still living with ex' and obviously guys will take that as gospel.

You think she deliberately put it in mine knowing that women don't like lies to sabotage me?

only your wife can answer that

and i am a cynical bugger at the best of times

but it is certainly an option !

i sincerely hope you work it out

just remember, what seems like the most painful option now can often work out to be the least painful option in the long run x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

Post new Message to Thread