FabSwingers.com forum: Dealing with Depression and loneliness

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I'm not really sure why I even writing this, but then part of the reason is because of this site.

I split with my long time partner some time ago now, it broke me.

A friend of mine told me to just come on here and have some fun and meet new people and have some fun, that is at the end of the day the main purpose of this site.

I was very unsure as to joining, I mean imagine seeing people you know etc what would they say or think!

I don't have Facebook, that site is toxic, and I have a very very small circle of friends.

So I thought why not, what's the worst that could happen!?

Well although I've had numerous message exchanges with people and have met a few people I think this site has done me more damage than good. I see and read a lot on here from females and women about wanting to be treated with respect etc but feel a lot of the times that respect is not returned. It doesn't take much to reply to a message, even if it's "thanks but no thanks"

I've always been polite respectful and always reply to messages. I just seem to get knock back after knock back, that is if I even get a reply. I know there's a monumental amount of guys on here with no manners or respect but it's not fair the decent ones get tarred with the same brush.

Part of me wants to walk away and delete my account, the constant rejection and being ignored has done more to destroy my confidence and self worth than most things. I thought that I could find nice people to chat to, God having a conversation with someone is something I miss the most. Depression is a horrible thing and I never thought I'd find myself in this position but here I am. On a site with thousands of people and never felt so lonely.

So if there is anyone out there that just wants to chat, drop me a line, it's good to talk, and by Christ I need to.

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By *orum TrollWoman
over a year ago

•+• Access Denied •+•

i stopped meeting when i realised that i was using sex as a way to avoid my feelings. not saying that's what you're doing but i realised i was the faulty one and i changed how i did things to rectify that.

i wouldn't say this site has done more harm than good but by using it i put things off at a time when i wasn't able to deal with them, so it helped in a way.

i'd had a good enough experience of life before coming here to understand what using others is like, and what being used is like.i didn't have that great of boundaries but i have improved them since. one boundary i put in place easily was ignoring men i didn't want to have sex with or even had no interest in talking to. this is a boundary and nobody has the right to tell me i'm wrong for having. i see 0 point in talking to men who want sex if i don't want sex with them, i also see 0 point in rejecting them. if they don't understand that my lack of interaction means i am in no way interested then that's now their problem as i will not change to suit them, and neither will most women i feel.

one thing you need to learn is how to make an environment work for you, and not to change that environment. you will struggle to change it because nobody should have to revolve around you, rightly so, and i learned that when i was very young.

good luck. there are nice people here, sometimes they just have to adapt to their envirnoment and seem like they are not nice.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I couldnt handle the getting the knockbacks or no responces either bud alot of us dudes aint cut out for it.

I use the site for different reasons now pof an all are better if you want people to chat an all that.

Hope you aint depressed bud really feel for you if you are

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If it helps, you're not alone.

Like you I split with my long term partner. It was devastating. I'm here because I simply don't want a relationship with anyone ele and FAB offers me an NSA alternative.

But to be honest, I don't get down or disheartened about the lack of responses or anything. It is what it is. But if you do, then maybe you're right and this isn't the place for you right now. Like you say, it's probably doing you more harm than good.

Depression is a bitch and often the only way out is to ride the storm.

Honestly, you really shouldn't take anything from your experience of FAB to heart. Ultimately people don't know you, but that doesn't mean that you're not worth knowing.

What ever you feel is happening to you on FAB, it isn't personal and you shouldn't take it that way.

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By *londieddWoman
over a year ago

fife

this site is not for the fragile, im sure there are plenty of sites with people in a similar position to you who will offer a bit more support and understanding of what you are feeling. good luck x

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By *gnitemybodyWoman
over a year ago

Onestepoutofthedoor

I do have a love/hate relationship with this site,it's not the best place to be depending on what mood I'm in. Hope you feel ok soon.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Have you been to the doctor and talked about it?

Maybe use the forums more and avoid profiles. Good advice above. x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Live life in the real world. This is escapism yes, but it's not full of the real stimuli and interactions we need. Get out, meet with people, do sport...action first then motivation.

I feel for you...seen so many like that, but this place won't rectify the deep rooted issues.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Worst place to be is on here when you're feeling depressed with all these shallow conceeted ignorant judgemental people

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Worst place to be is on here when you're feeling depressed with all these shallow conceeted ignorant judgemental people"

Not everyone is like that in here. Sometimes it's the people feeling low and depressed who lash out...consequently feeling no better for doing it.

It's a fun place in the right context. Just don't try and live here!

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By *orum TrollWoman
over a year ago

•+• Access Denied •+•

"Worst place to be is on here when you're feeling depressed with all these shallow conceeted ignorant judgemental people"

let's turn this around and ask you what have you got to offer them?

no need to actually reply to that, just something for guys to think about. most are offering very little and expect women to jump at the chance of that.

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By *teve261970Man
over a year ago

Gateshead

"this site is not for the fragile, im sure there are plenty of sites with people in a similar position to you who will offer a bit more support and understanding of what you are feeling. good luck x"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Worst place to be is on here when you're feeling depressed with all these shallow conceeted ignorant judgemental people

let's turn this around and ask you what have you got to offer them?

no need to actually reply to that, just something for guys to think about. most are offering very little and expect women to jump at the chance of that."

Surely it's about what all people have to offer, not just one gender? I get your point but that was a little bit of a generalisation?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Someone mentioned the doctor ,my advice is dont ,they fill you up with pills then cut you loose .Then you have a drug problem to add to your depression .Women on here I know what you mean ,perhaps try a real dating site and meet someone special

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By *orum TrollWoman
over a year ago

•+• Access Denied •+•

"Worst place to be is on here when you're feeling depressed with all these shallow conceeted ignorant judgemental people

let's turn this around and ask you what have you got to offer them?

no need to actually reply to that, just something for guys to think about. most are offering very little and expect women to jump at the chance of that.

Surely it's about what all people have to offer, not just one gender? I get your point but that was a little bit of a generalisation?"

spoken from my point of view, to a man.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If it's any consolation to you there are a lot of depressed people on here....many of them ladies. I know as I've met quite a few of them over the years. Some of them quite messed up...and if you get to know them there are some quite disturbing back stories, which I will not go into here.

People are on here for many reasons. For some the site works. Be that to help resolve issues, bury them for a while or whatever. I'm happy to talk privately should you wish...but in all fairness, if the site is making things worse....then maybe it's time to cut your losses.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Someone mentioned the doctor ,my advice is dont ,they fill you up with pills then cut you loose .Then you have a drug problem to add to your depression .Women on here I know what you mean ,perhaps try a real dating site and meet someone special

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

As someone who has suffered with depression myself, I can empathise with you OP, but I would also say that joining fab would be the last thing I would suggest to someone suffering with depression.

I would suggest that perhaps your mates don't quite understand depression, or, for that matter, much about this site.

Single guys, being in the majority on fab, have the toughest time on here and rejection after rejection and being ignored can become quite demoralising at the best of times.

Everyone who suffers with this awful condition does so differently and there is no magical cure or quick fix.

What works for one sufferer won't work for another, so I can't really offer you any pearls of wisdom.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Depression and loneliness this site will NOT help in any way shape or form it is a site for hooking up and not for filling a gap in your life especially depression and loneliness I would advise delete this go out to pubs, bars and coffee shops get chatting to real women or men have actual conversations and dates.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I always think if you start questioning any part of your life then youre not happy and should try change that.

Im not suggesting you need to leave the site but maybe change the way you approach it?

Join in on chat and the forums, its the most sociable part of the site and while it may not lead to anything physical you might find it fills a wee space on those lonely nights.

I really feel for you and hope you find what you want in life x

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By *cott89Man
over a year ago

prestatyn

i get knocked back and ignored alot to pal just take it with a pinch of salt and if you want to talk the forums are always good some lovely people on here and some of the groups are good just to have a laugh and forget about things, and if you have a small group of friends you can always confide in them, good friends are worth there weight in gold. keep your chin up mate and dont let the rude people get you down, stay strong buddy

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Park the issue of rejection for a second. If being on the site is having a negative effect on your mental health then you either need to:

a) re-align your objectives

b) leave and keep your sanity

Lack of responsiveness isn't personal. It's the nature of the beast, but we somehow seek to seek blame on either our approach or their manners. When you can stop attributing blame, the whole Fab experience becomes an amazing one.

I realise trust you have a tight circle of mates but if you ever need to sound off to an impartial sounding board, or are having an off day, just drop me a line. That goes for anyone who is suffering. Please don't feel alone, or that you have to suffer in silence

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"this site is not for the fragile, im sure there are plenty of sites with people in a similar position to you who will offer a bit more support and understanding of what you are feeling. good luck x"

This exactly!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Park the issue of rejection for a second. If being on the site is having a negative effect on your mental health then you either need to:

a) re-align your objectives

b) leave and keep your sanity

I wish I could have expressed the same sentiment as eloquently... well done Sir

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

you are correct OP, it is good to talk and I'm sure it took a lot for you to even write what you did...

but I think you would be much better off talking to a professional rather than anyone on ..

fab is a lot of things to a lot of people but it's not a counselling service for the lost and lonely..

hope you find what you are looking for

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Maybe see your doc and community psychiatric nurse and see what groups and conciling are available?

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By *imonP23Man
over a year ago

Shepton Mallet

[Removed by poster at 28/04/17 22:35:57]

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By *imonP23Man
over a year ago

Shepton Mallet

The adult dating scene is a terrible idea for a single male suffering from depression. The constant rejections will wreck whatever is left of your self-esteem.

So don't put yourself in a situation where you are likely to be rejected. If it's sex that you need, consider going to Adultwork and booking an escort. If it's companionship, go to a social event of some sort (preferably not a sex-related one), or chat on forums just for the banter.

Until you're feeling better.

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By *lmostthereMan
over a year ago

Southampton

I can't tell you whether or not this site, or scene is a good thing for you or not.

See your GP though. Depression is not something that you can just wish yourself out of.

Please do feel free to drop me a message. I enjoy chatting to people regardless of their gender or orientation.

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By *rwchcpleCouple
over a year ago

norwich

I agree with going to doc. I've learnt to like myself and not give a toss what folk think of me. It's given me the ability to say and do what I want not what others want me to do.

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By *an789Man
over a year ago

Cambridge

In the past, I've suffered to a dangerous extent. Lonely Men are at a high risk and it happens to lots of us but it's rarely shared due to stigma.

My advice would be to talk to someone you trust. I found fab helped me relax and unwind but dating isn't good if you're unwell mentally. Exercise, fresh air, good food and water are really key. You'll not feel like any of those.. Which is a paradox in itself.

I was rescued by two amazing friends who cared. Once I opened up I met others who knew how I felt and didn't judge me.

Once you get in the right track you'll be happy again. But talk.. Pls. There are some great charities out there to help you.. Headspace I think is one.

Read Michelle Dewberry online stuff who admitted mental health..

Men don't always have friends and rarely go to Doctors. They often have stresses and financial burdens... Life can be tough but talking is the medicine you need.

Good luck.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Worst place to be is on here when you're feeling depressed with all these shallow conceeted ignorant judgemental people"

I agree with you. I haven't exactly felt a friendly vibe on here...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You need to realise that many unattractive women use this site as empowerment. It allows them to be the Siren for once.

The saddest thing about male depression is the blame society piles on men. Women are naturally drawn to narratives that frame them as the victim, so when men kills themselves, it's the man's fualt for being "too male" and not dealing with his problems openly the way women do. This highlights the lack of empathy from most women to men. Men are just different and if we decide a fraction of the funding women recieve and commit suicide at rates five fold the women of comparable demographic.

And funnily too, as society has forced men to be more "feminine", the suicide rate skyrocket. Just look at Sweden's suicide rates.

So sad.

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By *roupPlayCouple
over a year ago

Near LHR

"It doesn't take much to reply to a message, even if it's "thanks but no thanks"

I think this is where so many people's outlook on Fabs and similar sites go wrong.

We get 100's messages when we list a meet, we can't reply to everyone. We get scores of messages when we aren't looking to meet asking "free to meet now?" (Despite our profile text)

We look at their profile before reading the message, if any of the following don't match our preferences we block the profile and delete the message without reading it;

Smoker - immediate delete and block

Verified by meet

Time on site since last verified

Listed as meet today? / status

Profile text

Pictures

Then we decide if they look "attractive" so for hubby are they curvy with big boobs, for wife are they in decent shape and VWE?

We simply don't have the time or the inclination to reply to people that don't match our preferences.

Put a different way how many email marketing pieces have you received this month?

How many did you reply to saying "thanks but no thanks"?

Messages on Fabs is no different. You have no connection to the people who are "selling/offering/advertising" themselves for a meet.

Once people get that reality, the world moves forward without people feeling jaded by being ignored.

There's a profile out there for everyone, you just need to find it.

If people want a better response rate, write a tailored message based on their profile. Mention something that relates to that profile to spark an interest, if you do that you'll get a better "hIt rate" in opens and replies.

This is the reality in the social media and online dating/hook up world.

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By *ecretlyASoftieWoman
over a year ago

Hull but travel regularly

"i stopped meeting when i realised that i was using sex as a way to avoid my feelings. not saying that's what you're doing but i realised i was the faulty one and i changed how i did things to rectify that.

i wouldn't say this site has done more harm than good but by using it i put things off at a time when i wasn't able to deal with them, so it helped in a way.

good luck. there are nice people here, sometimes they just have to adapt to their envirnoment and seem like they are not nice."

Thank you for this reply. It's helped me personally

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I understand you. I have issues. I am going to a therapist about my issues. If you were broken the you need time to heal. places like this can be great when you are positive but if you are in a negative cycle you can use it to highlight the parts that hurt and it pushes you further down

I deleted Facebook because the happy people made me feel sad by comparison. The same can happen here.

I found a huge benefit from socials. There you can make connections and chat to people.

online is not what you need. Sex isn't what you need. You need to heal.

Mr A

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I can only speak for myself but why take things personally? All men get ignored most of the time, but these people don't know you there not ignoring you there just not interested in your message.

I've found the more time and effort I put into the site the more luck I have? I've had numerous profiles in the last 4 years, my first profile I had 78 meet veri's I started to get turned down because I had too many veri's so I deleted it (bad decision)

Too many veri's can't get a meet? No veri's can't get a meet? Cocks too small? Cocks too big? Too old? Too young? Smoker? I could go on and on.

If it all bothers you you should leave the site, if not chill out and enjoy the good times you do get?

The only thing that's got to me was falling for a fuck buddy who didn't want to take things further? So I left for a while then came back when I was feeling better

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Hope the op feels better soon. Depression is an awful thing. But talking about it is a start.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I can only speak for myself but why take things personally? All men get ignored most of the time, but these people don't know you there not ignoring you there just not interested in your message.

..."

Absolutely

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By *orum TrollWoman
over a year ago

•+• Access Denied •+•

i wouldn't say this site has done more harm than good but by using it i put things off at a time when i wasn't able to deal with them, so it helped in a way.

good luck. there are nice people here, sometimes they just have to adapt to their envirnoment and seem like they are not nice.

Thank you for this reply. It's helped me personally

you're welcome.

i often wonder if i know what i'm doing, and think i don't, but it works for me too.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The end of a relationship is a bereavement of sorts. Going through the process of grieving is important for you to make peace with the loss and work out what you want from the future. Easy for me to say but a bitch while you're processing.

Mind & the mental health foundation have some great leaflets on depression.

Try not to go over & over things in your head. Mindful or physical activities can help with that. Headspace app or the honest guys on you tube if you want to try mindful relaxation or meditation.

The 5 ways to wellbeing is a good framework to work with. Google it!

If not getting replies to your messages if affecting your sense of self worth you should either leave or use the site for conversation in the forums & not trying to set up meets. As you can see from the replies to your post there are some lovely people on here to chat with.

If it isn't something you can handle on your own speak to your GP & community mental health team. We all deserve a full life that we enjoy- not an existence.

Take care & talk when you need to xx

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By *ecretlyASoftieWoman
over a year ago

Hull but travel regularly

i wouldn't say this site has done more harm than good but by using it i put things off at a time when i wasn't able to deal with them, so it helped in a way.

good luck. there are nice people here, sometimes they just have to adapt to their envirnoment and seem like they are not nice.

Thank you for this reply. It's helped me personally

you're welcome.

i often wonder if i know what i'm doing, and think i don't, but it works for me too."

What your message shows is a consciousness about your choice of what you're doing rather than just sleep walking through life to avoid things x

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By *orum TrollWoman
over a year ago

•+• Access Denied •+•

i wouldn't say this site has done more harm than good but by using it i put things off at a time when i wasn't able to deal with them, so it helped in a way.

good luck. there are nice people here, sometimes they just have to adapt to their envirnoment and seem like they are not nice.

Thank you for this reply. It's helped me personally

you're welcome.

i often wonder if i know what i'm doing, and think i don't, but it works for me too.

What your message shows is a consciousness about your choice of what you're doing rather than just sleep walking through life to avoid things x"

think it helped that when i did get my feelings back i felt bad, and shallow, and not like me at all. that was my biggest motivator, to not be left feeling like crap.

i'm aware this environment probably doesn't work for me, now, in the way i was using it. not sure how to make it work for me (don't think it ever will really) and i'm in no rush to find out so exploring other environments instead.

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By *eavenscentitCouple
over a year ago

barnstaple

"You need to realise that many unattractive women use this site as empowerment. It allows them to be the Siren for once.

And funnily too, as society has forced men to be more "feminine", the suicide rate skyrocket. Just look at Sweden's suicide rates.

So sad."

Yes very sad...one of my close friends took his own life last week aged 45. He had been depressed a while. Very very sad.

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By *ollyGWoman
over a year ago

Southampton

"If it helps, you're not alone.

Like you I split with my long term partner. It was devastating. I'm here because I simply don't want a relationship with anyone ele and FAB offers me an NSA alternative

Depression is a bitch and often the only way out is to ride the storm.

Honestly, you really shouldn't take anything from your experience of FAB to heart. Ultimately people don't know you, but that doesn't mean that you're not worth knowing.

What ever you feel is happening to you on FAB, it isn't personal and you shouldn't take it that way.

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By *ollyGWoman
over a year ago

Southampton

"If it helps, you're not alone.

Like you I split with my long term partner. It was devastating. I'm here because I simply don't want a relationship with anyone ele and FAB offers me an NSA alternative

Agree guys, it can be very harsh but hang in there, might come good, been here for 6 years, take the bad with the good xxx

Depression is a bitch and often the only way out is to ride the storm.

Honestly, you really shouldn't take anything from your experience of FAB to heart. Ultimately people don't know you, but that doesn't mean that you're not worth knowing.

What ever you feel is happening to you on FAB, it isn't personal and you shouldn't take it that way.

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By *ollyGWoman
over a year ago

Southampton

Exactly x

i wouldn't say this site has done more harm than good but by using it i put things off at a time when i wasn't able to deal with them, so it helped in a way.

good luck. there are nice people here, sometimes they just have to adapt to their envirnoment and seem like they are not nice."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I personally believe this is one of the worst sires anyone could ever be on if you need validation. If you take rejection to heart it will eat you uo

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I personally believe this is one of the worst sires anyone could ever be on if you need validation. If you take rejection to heart it will eat you uo"

I agree

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Park the issue of rejection for a second. If being on the site is having a negative effect on your mental health then you either need to:

a) re-align your objectives

b) leave and keep your sanity

Most sense anyone on fab has ever made! I'm impressed!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If your self-confidence is low, then this site can be hard. If you're an average looking guy it can be very hard getting replies from women, it can just leave you wondering if something is wrong with you. I don't think this site should ever be just about sex, there has to be friendship too.

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By *omisNWMan
over a year ago

Bolton

To the OP.

Take care mate. It's horrible. A lot of the solutions people are offering won't work, but there is so much positive feedback.

Talk. That's what works. It sounds stupid but it works if it's someone you don't know. Open up. It's tough as fuck, but if you can meet a random stranger on here and fuck them I'm sure you can tell a random health specialist what's driving you down.

Good luck.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I can fully sympathise with you about how down this site can make you feel , I've seen both sides of the coin as a couple and as a 'single ' guy . When me and my wife joined this site many moons ago we were seeking that elusive single guy to join us ... yes we had a few nice meets but the majority of our time was wasted with let downs and disappointments due to false information given by the said 'single ' guys . This really used to annoy my wife until she finally called it a day and decided to delete our account. I'm allowed to continue having meets but being bi late 40's makes it very difficult indeed . Just take this site with s pinch of salt and I hope you get sorted mind body and soul .

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I do have a love/hate relationship with this site,it's not the best place to be depending on what mood I'm in. Hope you feel ok soon."
frustrating,iratating,annoying are few chosen words on this place at times depending my mood too ha ha

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By *uymartinMan
over a year ago

Manchester

I started using the site after a long marriage ended and found it a good way to meet new people who enjoy the same as me,I have made some good friends from this site the sex is just a bonus!! I don't know if I will ever find another partner but I always treat people the way I expect to be treated

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