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"We ran out of thread and so many were posting. Thanks everyone. This was my last post as a reminder: I'm also curious to know at what point does the partner who wants sex stop trying ? Then what impact does that have on the other person. Is the person relieved? Or maybe worried that their partner is now cheating? Does it make them feel unwanted/loved? And I wonder, what becomes routine without sex, can it be recovered ? I am at this very point now. After bringing this up again last week explaining how I felt in a calm controlled way I got the usual tirade of shouting etc. I've basically told her the ball is in her court. I will not approach her for sex, stop sending dirty messages and pictures, no more feeling her up on the sofa. If she wants sex she should approach me. Cue Saturday night and she did, more out of guilt than anything and it was rubbish, could tell she didn't really want to and it left me feeling very unfulfilled." I wholeheartedly commend you for trying to talk about it. Frustration on both sides by the sound of it. Definitely keep talking | |||
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"We ran out of thread and so many were posting. Thanks everyone. This was my last post as a reminder: I'm also curious to know at what point does the partner who wants sex stop trying ? Then what impact does that have on the other person. Is the person relieved? Or maybe worried that their partner is now cheating? Does it make them feel unwanted/loved? And I wonder, what becomes routine without sex, can it be recovered ? I am at this very point now. After bringing this up again last week explaining how I felt in a calm controlled way I got the usual tirade of shouting etc. I've basically told her the ball is in her court. I will not approach her for sex, stop sending dirty messages and pictures, no more feeling her up on the sofa. If she wants sex she should approach me. Cue Saturday night and she did, more out of guilt than anything and it was rubbish, could tell she didn't really want to and it left me feeling very unfulfilled. I wholeheartedly commend you for trying to talk about it. Frustration on both sides by the sound of it. Definitely keep talking " This is a long standing issue and having talked about it numerous times over the years even that gets a bit tiring and you begin to wonder why bother as it never changes or gets better. I really want it to but it is getting to the point where I feel like giving up as it never does It isn't even all about the sex, I just want her to hug me, give me a kiss when I'm not expecting it, I don't think I'm asking too much to feel like she wants me. | |||
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"We ran out of thread and so many were posting. Thanks everyone. This was my last post as a reminder: I'm also curious to know at what point does the partner who wants sex stop trying ? Then what impact does that have on the other person. Is the person relieved? Or maybe worried that their partner is now cheating? Does it make them feel unwanted/loved? And I wonder, what becomes routine without sex, can it be recovered ? I am at this very point now. After bringing this up again last week explaining how I felt in a calm controlled way I got the usual tirade of shouting etc. I've basically told her the ball is in her court. I will not approach her for sex, stop sending dirty messages and pictures, no more feeling her up on the sofa. If she wants sex she should approach me. Cue Saturday night and she did, more out of guilt than anything and it was rubbish, could tell she didn't really want to and it left me feeling very unfulfilled. I wholeheartedly commend you for trying to talk about it. Frustration on both sides by the sound of it. Definitely keep talking This is a long standing issue and having talked about it numerous times over the years even that gets a bit tiring and you begin to wonder why bother as it never changes or gets better. I really want it to but it is getting to the point where I feel like giving up as it never does It isn't even all about the sex, I just want her to hug me, give me a kiss when I'm not expecting it, I don't think I'm asking too much to feel like she wants me." Do you think she associates cuddles and kissing with an expectation for sex though ? | |||
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"We ran out of thread and so many were posting. Thanks everyone. This was my last post as a reminder: I'm also curious to know at what point does the partner who wants sex stop trying ? Then what impact does that have on the other person. Is the person relieved? Or maybe worried that their partner is now cheating? Does it make them feel unwanted/loved? And I wonder, what becomes routine without sex, can it be recovered ? I am at this very point now. After bringing this up again last week explaining how I felt in a calm controlled way I got the usual tirade of shouting etc. I've basically told her the ball is in her court. I will not approach her for sex, stop sending dirty messages and pictures, no more feeling her up on the sofa. If she wants sex she should approach me. Cue Saturday night and she did, more out of guilt than anything and it was rubbish, could tell she didn't really want to and it left me feeling very unfulfilled. I wholeheartedly commend you for trying to talk about it. Frustration on both sides by the sound of it. Definitely keep talking This is a long standing issue and having talked about it numerous times over the years even that gets a bit tiring and you begin to wonder why bother as it never changes or gets better. I really want it to but it is getting to the point where I feel like giving up as it never does It isn't even all about the sex, I just want her to hug me, give me a kiss when I'm not expecting it, I don't think I'm asking too much to feel like she wants me. Do you think she associates cuddles and kissing with an expectation for sex though ?" She did say she felt that way sometimes. I've never used it in that way though, I'm just like a kiss and a cuddle sometimes, nothing more. As I said, the ball is in her court now, I've stopped all sexual contact etc. and it's her choice as I'm tired of being pushed away. | |||
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"I have definitely been the women who hasn't wanted sex and the longer I went without it the less I wanted it. But always did enjoy it when we did have it. I think having children had a massive effect on my sex drive or lack off. On a positive note we now have a great sex life so it can come back. We started by going on more dates and nights away from the children which really helped our relationship. " Yay !!!!! Love this post. | |||
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"Please take this as the genuine question it is and not a loaded one, but how many of the people saying they have sexless relationships made it clear to their partner at the start of their relationship that a regaular sex life was an essential part of the relationship? I just see quite a difference between a relationship that has gone stale compared to one where the other partner is explicitly not providing something they promised. " In my situation I had a normal sex life which started to dwindle when we went through fertility treatment. My ex didn't cope well with trying for a baby and the expectations at set times of the month. I can understand that in some ways. But after the birth he just seemed to view me as mother and house keeper. Very similar to lots of other posters in this and the last thread. Not interested in any close contact. When I went back to work one of my customers really went out of his way to tempt me. Calling me, messaging me and finally following me home one night. I have into temptation and we ended up together for 13 years. Wasn't easy though and it wasn't what I'd hoped for myself in life being divorced and separated from my babies father. But looking back overall I have no regrets. | |||
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"We ran out of thread and so many were posting. Thanks everyone. This was my last post as a reminder: I'm also curious to know at what point does the partner who wants sex stop trying ? Then what impact does that have on the other person. Is the person relieved? Or maybe worried that their partner is now cheating? Does it make them feel unwanted/loved? And I wonder, what becomes routine without sex, can it be recovered ?" Neither of us tried. We just stopped, never actually spoke of it again. we had been married 20 years, guess life work kids took over, kids to uni spare room move into that. I guess he did/ does feel unloved. definitely not recoverable 20 plus years later. We just deal with it in our own way. | |||
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"Please take this as the genuine question it is and not a loaded one, but how many of the people saying they have sexless relationships made it clear to their partner at the start of their relationship that a regaular sex life was an essential part of the relationship? I just see quite a difference between a relationship that has gone stale compared to one where the other partner is explicitly not providing something they promised. In my situation I had a normal sex life which started to dwindle when we went through fertility treatment. My ex didn't cope well with trying for a baby and the expectations at set times of the month. I can understand that in some ways. But after the birth he just seemed to view me as mother and house keeper. Very similar to lots of other posters in this and the last thread. Not interested in any close contact. When I went back to work one of my customers really went out of his way to tempt me. Calling me, messaging me and finally following me home one night. I have into temptation and we ended up together for 13 years. Wasn't easy though and it wasn't what I'd hoped for myself in life being divorced and separated from my babies father. But looking back overall I have no regrets. " Thanks for your reply. When I (husband) was in my teens I had a student job stacking shelves in the local supermarket. I was stunned to find that many of the older, married women there said some variation of the attiude "why would you have sex after you've had children!?!" Or "the purpose of sex is to have children and i dont want more children". That was probably the most important thing I learnt at that job (i.e. the existance of that attitude) and i've always been upfront about sexual expectations within the first few months of a relationship. It caused a lot of them to break down quickly / never start but I couldn't be happier with my (now) wife. | |||
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"i was pretty tired after our 4th kid, my ex was patient there and it helped a lot. thing we did to get back on track was not even focus on sex, and spent a lot of time making ourselves feel special to each other. really long, naked kisses in bed, just tell each other we loved each other, i was lazy in bed when we had sex. had some nice meets off here where the guy never made me feel used, shame they're not the norm." Tiredness is a killer And one of my male friends who has this problem, his wife has depression. | |||
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"i was pretty tired after our 4th kid, my ex was patient there and it helped a lot. thing we did to get back on track was not even focus on sex, and spent a lot of time making ourselves feel special to each other. really long, naked kisses in bed, just tell each other we loved each other, i was lazy in bed when we had sex. had some nice meets off here where the guy never made me feel used, shame they're not the norm. Tiredness is a killer And one of my male friends who has this problem, his wife has depression. " i believe depression is a whole different story as well. although i don't actually know a lot about it. so long as you're keeping some kind of intimacy in your relationship it does help. this is where lying, doing things behind a partners back, and similar, does not help here. it breaks your trust and intimacy can end. agree with the post above on this. | |||
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"These threads have been great and hopefully making a few of the 'cheating haters' actually open their minds a little and see why people turn to cheating. There are so many people living in difficult circumstances but making the best of the situation. It's never black and white." Cheating is often a fairly rational decision given the circumstances. The real point is not to get yourself into that situation in the first place! In my opinion, a lot of it happens because people avoid having difficult conversations at the start of the relationship. | |||
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" That's a tough one! Truth is relationships evolve or sadly dissolve. If your needs aren't being met, there's a good chance that the others aren't. There's only 2 people who can sort it out if you want things to change. Everyone knows it's not desirable to live like that, but even the most judgemental will probably have good friends going through difficult times without them knowing. " That's the thing though isn't it. Life evolves. But it happens over time until you wake up one day and think ok it's actually been 6 months since we had sex. Then the six months turns into years as these two threads have shown with some people. | |||
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" That's a tough one! Truth is relationships evolve or sadly dissolve. If your needs aren't being met, there's a good chance that the others aren't. There's only 2 people who can sort it out if you want things to change. Everyone knows it's not desirable to live like that, but even the most judgemental will probably have good friends going through difficult times without them knowing. That's the thing though isn't it. Life evolves. But it happens over time until you wake up one day and think ok it's actually been 6 months since we had sex. Then the six months turns into years as these two threads have shown with some people." And then you think 'when was the last time they cuddled me rather than came to be cuddled and when was the last time they kissed me rather than wanted to be kissed' | |||
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"Also i stopped trying as he hasnt made a move on me in months maybe years. I want him to want to have sex with me not like he is doing it because i am forcing or pestering. " I'm in the situation. | |||
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"These threads have been great and hopefully making a few of the 'cheating haters' actually open their minds a little and see why people turn to cheating. There are so many people living in difficult circumstances but making the best of the situation. It's never black and white. Cheating is often a fairly rational decision given the circumstances. The real point is not to get yourself into that situation in the first place! In my opinion, a lot of it happens because people avoid having difficult conversations at the start of the relationship. " Circumstances and people change over the course of time, so maybe issues weren't there at the start of the relationship, that are there now. Mr D | |||
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"These threads have been great and hopefully making a few of the 'cheating haters' actually open their minds a little and see why people turn to cheating. There are so many people living in difficult circumstances but making the best of the situation. It's never black and white. Cheating is often a fairly rational decision given the circumstances. The real point is not to get yourself into that situation in the first place! In my opinion, a lot of it happens because people avoid having difficult conversations at the start of the relationship. Circumstances and people change over the course of time, so maybe issues weren't there at the start of the relationship, that are there now. Mr D" I dont see any difference between a wife not wanting sex and and a husband not wanting children. Most women check whether a man wants children before they marry then. If the man later said "circumstances have changed, i no longer want kids" then most women would righly feel wronged by this. Fuck knows why men dont generally make their expectations about sex known in the same way... | |||
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"Please take this as the genuine question it is and not a loaded one, but how many of the people saying they have sexless relationships made it clear to their partner at the start of their relationship that a regaular sex life was an essential part of the relationship? I just see quite a difference between a relationship that has gone stale compared to one where the other partner is explicitly not providing something they promised. " Maybe the other half does not find the other sexually attractive anymore but can still love them, i ended a relationship years ago for this reason...sex was and still is very important to me and if its not there then I was not going to put up with a relationship with out sex or we might as well have lived as bloody lodgers, life is short enough without living it out unsatisfied. | |||
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"It's so hard being in a relationship when even a snog would suffice, but there is just no physical interest what so ever. " I'd snog ya x | |||
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"I will admit I detest cheaters, but do sympathise with some of your situations but what I guess I dont understand is if you decide to cheat rather than walk away if sex, cuddles, kissing is so important to you that you do need to get it elsewhere, what are you going to do when you get to an age when people on fab regard you as to old to meet....where will you get those affections from then..you will just have to accept when your say 60 and over you will maybe no doubt wished you had ended it and found what you really want before then? Your only here once after all." every time i've cheated i wanted 'the past'. i wanted the person i imagined someone was rather than the reality of that person. not that the person wasn't genuine when i met them, more they changed over time or i did. although i have been in a couple of abusive relationships also, the first time i didn't know how to leave but the 2nd time i did and got out easily. | |||
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"These threads have been great and hopefully making a few of the 'cheating haters' actually open their minds a little and see why people turn to cheating. There are so many people living in difficult circumstances but making the best of the situation. It's never black and white. Cheating is often a fairly rational decision given the circumstances. The real point is not to get yourself into that situation in the first place! In my opinion, a lot of it happens because people avoid having difficult conversations at the start of the relationship. Circumstances and people change over the course of time, so maybe issues weren't there at the start of the relationship, that are there now. Mr D I dont see any difference between a wife not wanting sex and and a husband not wanting children. Most women check whether a man wants children before they marry then. If the man later said "circumstances have changed, i no longer want kids" then most women would righly feel wronged by this. Fuck knows why men dont generally make their expectations about sex known in the same way... " Sometimes there are physical reasons why the sex stops. That conversation can't be had before getting into the relationship. | |||
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"Please take this as the genuine question it is and not a loaded one, but how many of the people saying they have sexless relationships made it clear to their partner at the start of their relationship that a regaular sex life was an essential part of the relationship? I just see quite a difference between a relationship that has gone stale compared to one where the other partner is explicitly not providing something they promised. Maybe the other half does not find the other sexually attractive anymore but can still love them, i ended a relationship years ago for this reason...sex was and still is very important to me and if its not there then I was not going to put up with a relationship with out sex or we might as well have lived as bloody lodgers, life is short enough without living it out unsatisfied. " Good point, maybe someone should invent a form of relationship where you can have sex with people you don't love but stay married to the person you do? | |||
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"I have definitely been the women who hasn't wanted sex and the longer I went without it the less I wanted it. But always did enjoy it when we did have it. I think having children had a massive effect on my sex drive or lack off. On a positive note we now have a great sex life so it can come back. We started by going on more dates and nights away from the children which really helped our relationship. " I agree you have to get back out as a couple. Reignite why you were together in the first place. Life is too short to make do xx | |||
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"These threads have been great and hopefully making a few of the 'cheating haters' actually open their minds a little and see why people turn to cheating. There are so many people living in difficult circumstances but making the best of the situation. It's never black and white. Cheating is often a fairly rational decision given the circumstances. The real point is not to get yourself into that situation in the first place! In my opinion, a lot of it happens because people avoid having difficult conversations at the start of the relationship. Circumstances and people change over the course of time, so maybe issues weren't there at the start of the relationship, that are there now. Mr D" | |||
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