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Are we scarey? COUPLES?

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By *rtist with muse OP   Couple
over a year ago

Eastbourne

Hi here's our problem (if indeed it is a problem).

We are an open, and like to think honest couple. We lead busy lives and have very little time to play - so when we do we mostly go to clubs.

Ah yes forgot to add - we are also a BDSM couple who are very clear about what we like. While we have met people on a similar wavelength at clubs we have found it very difficult to meet a couple for an initial social meet and then see where it goes.

Although BDSM - we are a genuine psychologically connected DOM/sub rather than merely pantomine whips and chains - and its these aspects that somehow seem to scare couples away.

At Vanilla clubs we are aware that how "rough" we like to play puts people off - the fact that we actually have fun and communicate during play also seems odd to some people.

This is not something we fret about just something that makes us wonder if we are somehow scarey.....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you mean pantomime whips and chains, that's a bit condescending isn't it. Or do they do it on a stage with an audience shouting out " he's behind you"

X

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By *idan31Man
over a year ago

ashby


"What do you mean pantomime whips and chains, that's a bit condescending isn't it. Or do they do it on a stage with an audience shouting out " he's behind you"

X"

Oh no he isn't !!

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By *rtist with muse OP   Couple
over a year ago

Eastbourne

what we meant about "pantomine" whips and chains - was some people dress the part but don't really walk the walk into the darker parts of a very real D/s relationship the way we feel we do - however principal boys and drag queen ugly sisters are very welcome..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It all depends on context - I've been involved in BDSM for years, and although I don't live it as a lifestyle, and only play, rather than living full D/s, I would also say that playing 'hard' at a sex club is not really cool.

I've been to clubs and seen a couple playing very hard in what was merely a play-space, and yes it freaks people out. Impact play and so on is not really cool in a standard play event.

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By *ouble_The_DelightCouple
over a year ago

Wakefield

We have a similar problem when we are at clubs and seem to scare people, we are a 24/7 D/s couple, we do get approached on here by people with BDSM on their profile, we explain that even though BDSM is a huge part of our play that we can cater our play and will only play to the level of the people we play with.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"Hi here's our problem (if indeed it is a problem).

We are an open, and like to think honest couple. We lead busy lives and have very little time to play - so when we do we mostly go to clubs.

Ah yes forgot to add - we are also a BDSM couple who are very clear about what we like. While we have met people on a similar wavelength at clubs we have found it very difficult to meet a couple for an initial social meet and then see where it goes.

Although BDSM - we are a genuine psychologically connected DOM/sub rather than merely pantomine whips and chains - and its these aspects that somehow seem to scare couples away.

At Vanilla clubs we are aware that how "rough" we like to play puts people off - the fact that we actually have fun and communicate during play also seems odd to some people.

This is not something we fret about just something that makes us wonder if we are somehow scarey....."

Do you mean it scares them away or its just not something they're interested in? Do people actually tell you that seeing you have fun and communicate is odd...how rude of them!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Hi here's our problem (if indeed it is a problem).

We are an open, and like to think honest couple. We lead busy lives and have very little time to play - so when we do we mostly go to clubs.

Ah yes forgot to add - we are also a BDSM couple who are very clear about what we like. While we have met people on a similar wavelength at clubs we have found it very difficult to meet a couple for an initial social meet and then see where it goes.

Although BDSM - we are a genuine psychologically connected DOM/sub rather than merely pantomine whips and chains - and its these aspects that somehow seem to scare couples away.

At Vanilla clubs we are aware that how "rough" we like to play puts people off - the fact that we actually have fun and communicate during play also seems odd to some people.

This is not something we fret about just something that makes us wonder if we are somehow scarey.....

Do you mean it scares them away or its just not something they're interested in? Do people actually tell you that seeing you have fun and communicate is odd...how rude of them!"

I've seen people move away from 'rough play' in clubs. I'm experienced, but even I think it's a little odd to play rough in a vanilla-type play-space. There are plenty of clubs, events or even spaces within clubs to play harder.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"It all depends on context - I've been involved in BDSM for years, and although I don't live it as a lifestyle, and only play, rather than living full D/s, I would also say that playing 'hard' at a sex club is not really cool.

I've been to clubs and seen a couple playing very hard in what was merely a play-space, and yes it freaks people out. Impact play and so on is not really cool in a standard play event."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Hi here's our problem (if indeed it is a problem).

We are an open, and like to think honest couple. We lead busy lives and have very little time to play - so when we do we mostly go to clubs.

Ah yes forgot to add - we are also a BDSM couple who are very clear about what we like. While we have met people on a similar wavelength at clubs we have found it very difficult to meet a couple for an initial social meet and then see where it goes.

Although BDSM - we are a genuine psychologically connected DOM/sub rather than merely pantomine whips and chains - and its these aspects that somehow seem to scare couples away.

At Vanilla clubs we are aware that how "rough" we like to play puts people off - the fact that we actually have fun and communicate during play also seems odd to some people.

This is not something we fret about just something that makes us wonder if we are somehow scarey....."

Not gonna judge you at all , as there's things we do which may put others off too . But yeah , if you play rough , that scares us a bit .

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By *eviant and BemusedCouple
over a year ago

Burton


"Hi here's our problem (if indeed it is a problem).

We are an open, and like to think honest couple. We lead busy lives and have very little time to play - so when we do we mostly go to clubs.

Ah yes forgot to add - we are also a BDSM couple who are very clear about what we like. While we have met people on a similar wavelength at clubs we have found it very difficult to meet a couple for an initial social meet and then see where it goes.

Although BDSM - we are a genuine psychologically connected DOM/sub rather than merely pantomine whips and chains - and its these aspects that somehow seem to scare couples away.

At Vanilla clubs we are aware that how "rough" we like to play puts people off - the fact that we actually have fun and communicate during play also seems odd to some people.

This is not something we fret about just something that makes us wonder if we are somehow scarey....."

How rough is rough? I love to have my hair pulled, be restrained, have my ass reddened, a hand at my throat etc , so that wouldn't scare me. I'd be drawn in We don't play in open play spaces like that though, because I think others might be uncomfortable. Or We'd attract an audience which is a bugger for putting me out of sub space

In my limited experience, swingers clubs are for vanilla sex. Mostly

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

We have a similar issue, we don't like labels but our tastes are far from vanilla.

I was told at a club last week that I give off a certain vibe, that my tattoos etc mean I'm into pain and my lack of heels/makeup 'didn't do me any favours'

OP enjoy your individuality, explore play create embrace.

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By *eviant and BemusedCouple
over a year ago

Burton


"We have a similar issue, we don't like labels but our tastes are far from vanilla.

I was told at a club last week that I give off a certain vibe, that my tattoos etc mean I'm into pain and my lack of heels/makeup 'didn't do me any favours'

OP enjoy your individuality, explore play create embrace. "

How fucking rude!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"We have a similar issue, we don't like labels but our tastes are far from vanilla.

I was told at a club last week that I give off a certain vibe, that my tattoos etc mean I'm into pain and my lack of heels/makeup 'didn't do me any favours'

OP enjoy your individuality, explore play create embrace.

How fucking rude! "

Quite, doesn't matter where you go there are always morons

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By *eviant and BemusedCouple
over a year ago

Burton


"We have a similar issue, we don't like labels but our tastes are far from vanilla.

I was told at a club last week that I give off a certain vibe, that my tattoos etc mean I'm into pain and my lack of heels/makeup 'didn't do me any favours'

OP enjoy your individuality, explore play create embrace.

How fucking rude!

Quite, doesn't matter where you go there are always morons "

Sad but true

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It wouldn't scare us

we keep our club play pretty standard and save the hard stuff for in private. Never thought about why but it's probably also as we don't want to scare people and also because we don't want to get told off by the club!

Ruby

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By *rtist with muse OP   Couple
over a year ago

Eastbourne

Thank you all for participating in the discussion - it is interesting that we sometimes feel that despite the popularity of nonsense like 50 shades those of us who do enjoy a full deep D/s relationship sometimes feel marginalized within the "swinging" community. It's almost like we are the last taboo - BDSM in the gay community is wide open and readily accepted while in the "str8" world we have to hide in a closet or keep our sexualities in check - interesting

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By *hoenixcouplexxCouple
over a year ago

Leicestershire


"Hi here's our problem (if indeed it is a problem).

We are an open, and like to think honest couple. We lead busy lives and have very little time to play - so when we do we mostly go to clubs.

Ah yes forgot to add - we are also a BDSM couple who are very clear about what we like. While we have met people on a similar wavelength at clubs we have found it very difficult to meet a couple for an initial social meet and then see where it goes.

Although BDSM - we are a genuine psychologically connected DOM/sub rather than merely pantomine whips and chains - and its these aspects that somehow seem to scare couples away.

At Vanilla clubs we are aware that how "rough" we like to play puts people off - the fact that we actually have fun and communicate during play also seems odd to some people.

This is not something we fret about just something that makes us wonder if we are somehow scarey.....

How rough is rough? I love to have my hair pulled, be restrained, have my ass reddened, a hand at my throat etc , so that wouldn't scare me. I'd be drawn in We don't play in open play spaces like that though, because I think others might be uncomfortable. Or We'd attract an audience which is a bugger for putting me out of sub space

In my limited experience, swingers clubs are for vanilla sex. Mostly "

Winner winner chicken dinner

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By *oi_LucyCouple
over a year ago

Barbados

OP, I can see where you are coming from. We are in a D/s relationship, my wife/sub has been collared for 10 years (married 8). We always used to try and keep the D/s side out of swinging, and still do to an extent. Partly because some people don't get it, but also we play differently. E.g. when we play together Vik has to ask to cum, and doesn't cum without permission. Yet, when we play in swingers clubs with others then she doesn't need to although sometimes still will.

We have a tendency to have Vik suspended from the ceiling at some point in the evening and generally known as 'those rope people' lol... I've had couples say "Oh, no, that is not for us" despite us saying that we don't impose that on anyone, and generally play 'vanilla' with other couples.

Also, certain play can be mis-understood easily. Vik loves a hard flogging and ends up a snotty crying mess at the end. Not from pain, but from emotional release. It sends her off to a very deep place. But some people might see that and think "Oh, that nasty man has made her cry".

I have sometimes wondered if it puts people off meeting us... I do wonder sometimes when we stray into slightly harder play in public (especially harder impact play, with onlookers wincing). But my feeling is that overall I don't think it makes much difference. Those that are interested in us still are. I've had a number of women come up to me during an evening to ask to be tied as they never have... so it works both ways.

Just be you and both enjoy it :D

-Matt

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By *ea_CoffeeCouple
over a year ago

Near Kettering

Wouldn't put us off but then we are in the kink communities anyway.

I think it can be hard for non kinksters to understand whats happening on an emotional level and the level of trust / respect doms and subs have for each other.

I say just be yourselves and see how the mood takes you. There are plenty of kink events happenings around the country and plenty of play opportunities.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I get put off dom/sub couples when the dom thinks he can dom me.

Carry on with your wife/sub I'm really not bothered but I'm not here to be your sub. So yes I guess a few recent experiences have really put me off.

As for bdsm I'm into it but when I choose and I do think some stuff is probably best for kink nights only!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Although BDSM - we are a genuine psychologically connected DOM/sub rather than merely pantomine whips and chains - and its these aspects that somehow seem to scare couples away.

"

Your kink is not my kink but your kink is okay. Such a simple philosophy but lost on so many.

Twoo Doms and their twoo subs with their condescending judgemental ways are rarely attractive. Maybe that's the issue rather than you being scary?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Thank you all for participating in the discussion - it is interesting that we sometimes feel that despite the popularity of nonsense like 50 shades those of us who do enjoy a full deep D/s relationship sometimes feel marginalized within the "swinging" community. It's almost like we are the last taboo - BDSM in the gay community is wide open and readily accepted while in the "str8" world we have to hide in a closet or keep our sexualities in check - interesting "

Not scared at all...just utterly uninterested in the patronising sense of superiority demonstrated almost without exception by BDSM lifestylers .

I get told that I am uninterested in that kind of play because I "don't understand" it or that someone else's relationship has far deeper levels of trust and communication...utter bollocks...

we've also found that despite assurances that they can play "vanilla"...(another derogatory term I hate) generally at some stage, peoples preferred mode of play will emerge and one or the other will try to assert some kind of assumed authority...

BDSM couples are also generally the ones who have given us hassle when we've turned them down...purely our own experience and not a sweeping generalisation.

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By *eliWoman
over a year ago

.


"Although BDSM - we are a genuine psychologically connected DOM/sub rather than merely pantomine whips and chains - and its these aspects that somehow seem to scare couples away.

Your kink is not my kink but your kink is okay. Such a simple philosophy but lost on so many.

Twoo Doms and their twoo subs with their condescending judgemental ways are rarely attractive. Maybe that's the issue rather than you being scary?"

This.

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By *lkDomWhtSubBiCpleCouple
over a year ago

Somewhere / Everywhere /Kinksville

I think I'll get Sir to slap your arse for that

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Thank you all for participating in the discussion - it is interesting that we sometimes feel that despite the popularity of nonsense like 50 shades those of us who do enjoy a full deep D/s relationship sometimes feel marginalized within the "swinging" community. It's almost like we are the last taboo - BDSM in the gay community is wide open and readily accepted while in the "str8" world we have to hide in a closet or keep our sexualities in check - interesting "

While you are sneering at swingers don't forget a lot of you twoo BDSM friends will be judging you just as harshly and unfairly fir swinging

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