FabSwingers.com forum: Mens rules

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the offside rule, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. No NO you really do have too many shoes.

1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together.

No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that? It's like camping.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Hahah chapeau my friend!

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By *ohohoWoman
over a year ago

Up North

So funny

But my partner has more shoes than me.

So no. I don't have enough shoes.

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By *woofuslondonCouple
over a year ago

london

Hubby also has more shoes than me he bought three pairs in the sale let alone only owning three pairs!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Heard it before but still a great read.

I've always said to my friends, men are simple creatures. To make them happy all you need to remember and provide are 5 points:

1) Oral sex (swallow girls, swallow!!)

2) Their car

3) Football / sports

4) Beer

5) Food

Am I wrong? Is it in that order boy? Lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Heard it before but still a great read.

I've always said to my friends, men are simple creatures. To make them happy all you need to remember and provide are 5 points:

1) Oral sex (swallow girls, swallow!!)

2) Their car

3) Football / sports

4) Beer

5) Food

Am I wrong? Is it in that order boy? Lol

Meant boys!! Haha

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By *osieWoman
over a year ago

Wembley

Now I understand him better

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Louisa

You are a genius

And bang on the money

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By *ugga81Man
over a year ago

West Malling

HA Ha, we're really not complicated.

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By *ugga81Man
over a year ago

West Malling

Personally, I'd push food into second place: )

"Heard it before but still a great read.

I've always said to my friends, men are simple creatures. To make them happy all you need to remember and provide are 5 points:

1) Oral sex (swallow girls, swallow!!)

2) Their car

3) Football / sports

4) Beer

5) Food

Am I wrong? Is it in that order boy? Lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I coach women to recognise these things and men to recognise women's list.....

Some women are actually amazed when I say let him be ..... just dress sexy and fun and he will adore it ... don't ask .... such simple things really ...

Very funny OP X

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Personally, I'd push food into second place: )

Heard it before but still a great read.

I've always said to my friends, men are simple creatures. To make them happy all you need to remember and provide are 5 points:

1) Oral sex (swallow girls, swallow!!)

2) Their car

3) Football / sports

4) Beer

5) Food

Am I wrong? Is it in that order boy? Lol

Thought you drove? Food is the way to man's heart...so they say! Lol

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By *ugga81Man
over a year ago

West Malling

I drive, but food often more important to my happiness: )

"Personally, I'd push food into second place: )

Heard it before but still a great read.

I've always said to my friends, men are simple creatures. To make them happy all you need to remember and provide are 5 points:

1) Oral sex (swallow girls, swallow!!)

2) Their car

3) Football / sports

4) Beer

5) Food

Am I wrong? Is it in that order boy? Lol

Thought you drove? Food is the way to man's heart...so they say! Lol"

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By *eal Deal PartiesWoman
over a year ago

Bless

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By *ugga81Man
over a year ago

West Malling

I once had a blow job while eating a curry, think it was my birthday. Good times: )

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I drive, but food often more important to my happiness: )

Personally, I'd push food into second place: )

Heard it before but still a great read.

I've always said to my friends, men are simple creatures. To make them happy all you need to remember and provide are 5 points:

1) Oral sex (swallow girls, swallow!!)

2) Their car

3) Football / sports

4) Beer

5) Food

Am I wrong? Is it in that order boy? Lol

Thought you drove? Food is the way to man's heart...so they say! Lol"

Let me guess, medium rare steak with all the trimmings. Followed by a cold pint of your choice?

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By *rinking-in-laCouple
over a year ago

Bristol

#triggered

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Lol good food nice bed simples

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By *ugga81Man
over a year ago

West Malling

"I drive, but food often more important to my happiness: )

Personally, I'd push food into second place: )

Heard it before but still a great read.

I've always said to my friends, men are simple creatures. To make them happy all you need to remember and provide are 5 points:

1) Oral sex (swallow girls, swallow!!)

2) Their car

3) Football / sports

4) Beer

5) Food

Am I wrong? Is it in that order boy? Lol

Thought you drove? Food is the way to man's heart...so they say! Lol

Let me guess, medium rare steak with all the trimmings. Followed by a cold pint of your choice?"

Oh I wouldn't say no. It's not so much the dish, more the effort and thought that goes into it. For the same reason I love ladies in sexy lingerie.

But yes, being a rugby guy a steak or curry would keep me away from hunger moods.

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By *exysuzi and Mr.SCouple
over a year ago

CONISTON .Stoke Suburbia. Staffs. BARMOUTH. The Lakes (Monthly)

[Removed by poster at 13/02/17 09:57:43]

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By *iamondjoeMan
over a year ago

Glastonbury

"Heard it before but still a great read.

I've always said to my friends, men are simple creatures. To make them happy all you need to remember and provide are 5 points:

1) Oral sex (swallow girls, swallow!!)

2) Their car

3) Football / sports

4) Beer

5) Food

Am I wrong? Is it in that order boy? Lol

Nah

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By *iamondjoeMan
over a year ago

Glastonbury

"We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the offside rule, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. No NO you really do have too many shoes.

1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together.

No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that? It's like camping."

I'm guessing this list is not 'one-size-fits-all'?

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By *eachPreacherMan
over a year ago

Kent/London

"Heard it before but still a great read.

I've always said to my friends, men are simple creatures. To make them happy all you need to remember and provide are 5 points:

1) Oral sex (swallow girls, swallow!!)

2) Their car

3) Football / sports

4) Beer

5) Food

Am I wrong? Is it in that order boy? Lol

Meant boys!! Haha "

2 - I don't own a car, nor do I want one

3 - I hate sports

4 - I rarely drink

5 - Not really bothered by food

Provide me with the first and I'm a happy boy, that is all

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"#triggered "

Me too! I still can't understand why people find gender stereotyping so amusing.

And btw Columbus thought he sailed to India but landed on an entirely different continent, so perhaps he had needed better directions after all!

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By *harpDressed ManMan
over a year ago

Here occasionally, but mostly somewhere else

Excellent cut and paste, OP. You didn't correct the Americanisms though, so lose marks for that.

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By *rinking-in-laCouple
over a year ago

Bristol

"#triggered

Me too! I still can't understand why people find gender stereotyping so amusing.

And btw Columbus thought he sailed to India but landed on an entirely different continent, so perhaps he had needed better directions after all!"

To be fair I was being sarcastic. Live and let live.

And as all folks in your position seem to do, you rant about stereotyping then indulge in it yourself.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I don't agree with no.1

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Heard it before but still a great read.

I've always said to my friends, men are simple creatures. To make them happy all you need to remember and provide are 5 points:

1) Oral sex (swallow girls, swallow!!)

2) Their car

3) Football / sports

4) Beer

5) Food

Am I wrong? Is it in that order boy? Lol

Replace sports with games, csrwith motorbike and we have a deal

Food comes in at number 2 though

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By *abe1200Couple
over a year ago

belfast

U forgot dress sexy all the times.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My rules:

Be yourself

Respect 'Me' time

Simple

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"#triggered

Me too! I still can't understand why people find gender stereotyping so amusing.

And btw Columbus thought he sailed to India but landed on an entirely different continent, so perhaps he had needed better directions after all!

To be fair I was being sarcastic. Live and let live.

And as all folks in your position seem to do, you rant about stereotyping then indulge in it yourself. "

Oops sorry my sarcasm detector needs to be recalibrated! I'll let y'all get on with your stereotyping fun. A great part of which is posters repeatedly saying the stereotype doesn't apply to them

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Only on fab could a lighthearted post aimed at amusing people end up with peeps getting offended.

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By *JcouplemidlandsCouple
over a year ago

Peak District

"Only on fab could a lighthearted post aimed at amusing people end up with peeps getting offended."

OP we both found it funny M&F, some people still have a sense of humour

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Tbf my dad knows more colours than anyone i know but he has a degree in fine art

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