FabSwingers.com forum: S&M for a newbie

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I wanted to ask out of curiosity whom has never done this (sub or dom), probably would do it once, what is the best advice to give who would like to be a sub for one night but not be having to experience extreme pain and is this the site for it?

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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago

Up on them there hills

Talk to subs, not Doms

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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

Spend lots and I mean LOTS of time reading about the subject, thinking about what it might mean to you, what you think you'd like to get from it, what your limits are. Once you've done that, think about it some more, and maybe talk to like minded but experienced people (Dons AND subs) who can perhaps help shape your thinking, or answer any queries you might have. Perhaps attend a local munch (social for those interested in the BDSM lifestyle).

There's a well known website that I don't believe can be named here, but suggest you visit it and talk to people there too. Be careful though there are a lot of people out there calling themselves Dom who are anything but!!

Also recommend the following books available from Amazon - Screw The Roses Send Me The Thorns and SM101 to name a couple.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Please remember

in a sub/Dom relationship, the sub is actually in charge. The Dom will not attempt or force anything on her that she does not want.

A man who does is not a Dom, he's a bully.

choose carefully.

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By *ombikerbullMan
over a year ago

Bromsgrove

"Please remember

in a sub/Dom relationship, the sub is actually in charge. The Dom will not attempt or force anything on her that she does not want.

A man who does is not a Dom, he's a bully.

choose carefully."

Sugarandspice is spot on. No means No and safe words are scared and are there to be taken notice of.

above all talk, talk and when you bored have a brew and talk some more.

If you have never played before the mental and emotional mess it can leave behing is brutal.

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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago

Up on them there hills

Drat there is an echo in here, ask subs not Doms.

Oh and have massive fun playing.

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By *ubbykittenWoman
over a year ago

Kent

"Please remember

in a sub/Dom relationship, the sub is actually in charge. The Dom will not attempt or force anything on her that she does not want.

A man who does is not a Dom, he's a bully.

choose carefully.

Sugarandspice is spot on. No means No and safe words are scared and are there to be taken notice of.

above all talk, talk and when you bored have a brew and talk some more.

If you have never played before the mental and emotional mess it can leave behing is brutal.

Your last point reminds me of the recent very interesting thread on aftercare. I think it is important that the OP feels comfortable with the person she wishes to play with. She needs to be able to talk to him about how she feels a before and after. If the Dom doesn't understand the importance of this then it can leave her feeling quite confused and shaken. Or at least that is my experience.

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By *andsonjohnMan
over a year ago

in the eye of the storm

"Hi

There doesn't have to any extreme involved at all you don't even have to be restrained physically ether .

Its possible to controlled and gain surrender frown a sub with out any pain its possible to restrained sub with out any restrains involved its possible for a sub to enter sub space from pleasure alone .

Why is it assumed extreme pain is needed or even wanted by all subs or that every dom wants a sub who wants to experience extreme pain ..

Op may I suggest you read my on going sub space tail in the story section of the forums .

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By *ubbykittenWoman
over a year ago

Kent

"Hi

There doesn't have to any extreme involved at all you don't even have to be restrained physically ether .

Why is it assumed extreme pain is needed or even wanted by all subs or that every dom wants a sub who wants to experience extreme pain ..

Op may I suggest you read my on going sub space tail in the story section of the forums ."

To be fair to the OP, she has acknowledged her lack of experience so I am not sure she is assuming anything. She is going on the little information she has and is asking for advice. I know you have made a suggestion in your last paragraph but your previous paragraph does come across as a little 'know it all'. Sorry.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It can be as gentle as you want it to be - you could even have your first session just being touched by your Dom with him describing what he'd like to do to each different part of your body as he goes. If that turns you on, then start stretching your boundaries with a little spanning and nipple play and take it from there.

If it doesn't turn you on, then it's not for you.

The sub sets the limits & the Dom only takes things to places within those. Make sure you both know what they are before you play - even if they change each time. If you trust your Dom & he knows what you want, you should be fine.

Definitely research it first though & definitely have a safe word

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By *andsonjohnMan
over a year ago

in the eye of the storm

"Hi

There doesn't have to any extreme involved at all you don't even have to be restrained physically ether .

Why is it assumed extreme pain is needed or even wanted by all subs or that every dom wants a sub who wants to experience extreme pain ..

Op may I suggest you read my on going sub space tail in the story section of the forums .

You right it does come across as know it all which was not my intent.

I've just got in from a heavy session no pain involved but plenty of bonding and pleasure with a regular play partner where I had my normal control and restraint ripped from me by the depth of my lust for the magnificent creature I was with .

This is a rare occurrence with me not something I'm at all use to so mix that with the normal emotions brought on by a extreme long play session and my mind is not quite there .

Yes I could have worded that better but I'm not perfect sorry .

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By *ubbykittenWoman
over a year ago

Kent

"Hi

There doesn't have to any extreme involved at all you don't even have to be restrained physically ether .

Why is it assumed extreme pain is needed or even wanted by all subs or that every dom wants a sub who wants to experience extreme pain ..

Op may I suggest you read my on going sub space tail in the story section of the forums .

You right it does come across as know it all which was not my intent.

This is a rare occurrence with me not something I'm at all use to so mix that with the normal emotions brought on by a extreme long play session and my mind is not quite there .

Yes I could have worded that better but I'm not perfect sorry ."

Glad you had a nice evening but a little irrelevant to the thread. Oh well.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Thanks for the advice guys

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Please remember

in a sub/Dom relationship, the sub is actually in charge. The Dom will not attempt or force anything on her that she does not want.

A man who does is not a Dom, he's a bully.

choose carefully."

No... A true Dom is always in charge. He just has respect and love for his sub.

But if you think the sub is in charge... Then you're way off the mark.

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By *uzy444Woman
over a year ago

in the suffolk countryside

"Spend lots and I mean LOTS of time reading about the subject, thinking about what it might mean to you, what you think you'd like to get from it, what your limits are. Once you've done that, think about it some more, and maybe talk to like minded but experienced people (Dons AND subs) who can perhaps help shape your thinking, or answer any queries you might have. Perhaps attend a local munch (social for those interested in the BDSM lifestyle).

Also recommend the following books available from Amazon - Screw The Roses Send Me The Thorns and SM101 to name a couple."
this is great advice x there are loads of different dynamics in D/s play..some arent in anyway linked to pain..im a sensual domme, more into psychological and soft sensation play..so its not all about whips and chains for everyone..learn loads and create a starting point of what youd like at the moment and then go look for that..then the journey may or not begin, but please ask about someone's experience on the scene and about aftercare and safewords etc..its not usually a one night thing, but im sure if you find an experienced person things can be explored for you on that basis x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Please remember

in a sub/Dom relationship, the sub is actually in charge. The Dom will not attempt or force anything on her that she does not want.

A man who does is not a Dom, he's a bully.

choose carefully."

Chose carefully. You must be able to trust the man.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A Dom will be in control of the session but it's the sub who controls the limits of the relationship.

My Dom and I had several social meets discussing what we were both looking for before we had a session together. We agreed safe words; boundaries; aftercare - all before we did anything. You both need to trust each other.

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By *ilacWoman
over a year ago

Cheshire

"Please remember

in a sub/Dom relationship, the sub is actually in charge. The Dom will not attempt or force anything on her that she does not want.

A man who does is not a Dom, he's a bully.

choose carefully.

No... A true Dom is always in charge. He just has respect and love for his sub.

But if you think the sub is in charge... Then you're way off the mark."

It's a two way exchange. Both parties can end the play. The dom may have control of the scene but only within the boundaries set by the sub. The sub can end the play at any time but can't control (unless they are topping from the bottom) what they want to get from the scene.

It's a balance. One cannot exist without the other. Totally off topic from the OP. Apologies.

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By *ilacWoman
over a year ago

Cheshire

"Hi

My advice for someone wanting to test the waters is just go really slowly. Choose a play partner very carefully. Don't believe all you are told by potential dominants. Speak to subs as someone else pointed out.

Try and work out what you want to experience. What you definitely don't want to try. And think about what experience you've had in the past. That will help a conversation with a dom who will be probing for those answers.

Pain is a strange one. It doesn't have to feature in any way but if you want to try it, ease yourself in. A responsible dom should make you take baby steps anyway. Pain never appealed to me at the start. I had it on my list of forbidden activities. But with confidence in my play partner, I tried it and loved it.

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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago

Up on them there hills

"Please remember

in a sub/Dom relationship, the sub is actually in charge. The Dom will not attempt or force anything on her that she does not want.

A man who does is not a Dom, he's a bully.

choose carefully.

No... A true Dom is always in charge. He just has respect and love for his sub.

But if you think the sub is in charge... Then you're way off the mark.

It's a balance. One cannot exist without the other. Totally off topic from the OP. Apologies. "

I metaphorical call it a dance, sync together.

I was devastated recent when it didn't

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By *ilacWoman
over a year ago

Cheshire

"Please remember

in a sub/Dom relationship, the sub is actually in charge. The Dom will not attempt or force anything on her that she does not want.

A man who does is not a Dom, he's a bully.

choose carefully.

No... A true Dom is always in charge. He just has respect and love for his sub.

But if you think the sub is in charge... Then you're way off the mark.

It's a balance. One cannot exist without the other. Totally off topic from the OP. Apologies.

I metaphorical call it a dance, sync together.

I was devastated recent when it didn't "

Exactly. It's a dance.

Eeek when the rhythm is off...

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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago

Up on them there hills

Someone was brave, instead of calling and I miisef the sign.

Felt like shit since.

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By *ilacWoman
over a year ago

Cheshire

"Someone was brave, instead of calling and I miisef the sign.

Felt like shit since."

Sorry but that's on the sub. You can't expect to be a mind reader.

I've made that mistake before as a sub. Tried to push myself and gone too far. Or taken more than I wanted to because I felt under pressure in public. Not pressure from the dom but myself.

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By *uzy444Woman
over a year ago

in the suffolk countryside

"Someone was brave, instead of calling and I miisef the sign.

Felt like shit since."
im sorry they let you down...downers are hard to get over. hugs and take it easy on you, trust works both ways xx

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By *andsonjohnMan
over a year ago

in the eye of the storm

"Please remember

in a sub/Dom relationship, the sub is actually in charge. The Dom will not attempt or force anything on her that she does not want.

A man who does is not a Dom, he's a bully.

choose carefully.

No... A true Dom is always in charge. He just has respect and love for his sub.

But if you think the sub is in charge... Then you're way off the mark.

It's a balance. One cannot exist without the other. Totally off topic from the OP. Apologies. "

this is all true a sub who is not topping from the bottom seeds control to there D.

any D worth there salt would have listened and absorbed every thing the sub has talked about when it comes to what turns them on. there sexual likes what words the find a turn on .

this is my approach I then use what I've learned to seduce my sub tease her engage her mind take from her everything she has to give as a sexual creature ,

for me being a D is about finding the limits of your sub making her burn with desire for you the kind of desire that means she will give you everything you ask of her .

if I can get a sub into that state I come alive with my own desire and lust for the magnificent creature in front of me hearing a sub beg for my touch beg me to take her ,now we are talking

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By *teveanddebsCouple
over a year ago

Norwich

"Talk to subs, not Doms"

This

No doubt, OP, you have been inundated with messages from dimdoms and wannabes offering to teach you the one twue way.

Ignore them all and talk to other subs

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Please remember

in a sub/Dom relationship, the sub is actually in charge. The Dom will not attempt or force anything on her that she does not want.

A man who does is not a Dom, he's a bully.

choose carefully.

No... A true Dom is always in charge. He just has respect and love for his sub.

But if you think the sub is in charge... Then you're way off the mark."

Don't confuse the OP.

Subs lend control to their Doms. By the use of a safe word they take back that control - this equates to having ultimate control.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Talk to subs, not Doms

This

No doubt, OP, you have been inundated with messages from dimdoms and wannabes offering to teach you the one twue way.

Ignore them all and talk to other subs

This reminds me of statuses asking for true subs. I do laugh at this - there is no one true sub, just a Dom's limited perception.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Talk to subs, not Doms

This

No doubt, OP, you have been inundated with messages from dimdoms and wannabes offering to teach you the one twue way.

Ignore them all and talk to other subs

This reminds me of statuses asking for true subs. I do laugh at this - there is no one true sub, just a Dom's limited perception."

That's very true.

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By *ade_of_StarsCouple
over a year ago

Whitburn

Go to some munches (socials) and find some friends you'd be comfortable going to a club with. Another solid bit of advice, if you find a potential play partner, ask for references. I've never met a good dominant who couldn't provide a handful of positive reviews.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

OP do you know what S & M actually is? I'll break down BDSM - BD (bondage and discipline), DS (domination and submission), SM (sadism and masochism).

Do you know the difference between sub and Dom and Master and slave? The boundaries can blur, but simply put: the sub lends controls and the slave gives up control. Stereotypically slaves get pleasure from pleasing their Master or Mistress. Pleasure for Doms and Dommes is entwined with that of their subs.

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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

The other thing to remember is there is no one single definition of what a D/s relationship actually consists of, apart from the one defined by the two (or more) individuals involved in that specific relationship.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"The other thing to remember is there is no one single definition of what a D/s relationship actually consists of, apart from the one defined by the two (or more) individuals involved in that specific relationship.

Absolutely. There are lifestylers and those who dip in and out of it. Walk away from anyone who states "you have to do this or that to be sub". You be you. You will evolve over time

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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

Absolutely. There are lifestylers and those who dip in and out of it. Walk away from anyone who states "you have to do this or that to be sub". You be you. You will evolve over time

This!! Also watch out for the classic "you can't be sub because you...." ...

....anyone that rolls out that line, should be run away from very fast!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Absolutely. There are lifestylers and those who dip in and out of it. Walk away from anyone who states "you have to do this or that to be sub". You be you. You will evolve over time

This!! Also watch out for the classic "you can't be sub because you...." ...

....anyone that rolls out that line, should be run away from very fast!! "

I've laughed at Doms stating that - oh and to see a Dom then strop

Warning: Some guys think that sub = doormat. No, many many subs are incredibly strong-willed, intelligent women!

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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

Absolutely. There are lifestylers and those who dip in and out of it. Walk away from anyone who states "you have to do this or that to be sub". You be you. You will evolve over time

This!! Also watch out for the classic "you can't be sub because you...." ...

....anyone that rolls out that line, should be run away from very fast!!

I've laughed at Doms stating that - oh and to see a Dom then strop

Warning: Some guys think that sub = doormat. No, many many subs are incredibly strong-willed, intelligent women!

Errrrrr...and men!!

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