FabSwingers.com forum: How to be a dom

By *avid899 OP Man
over a year ago

inverness

Hi all strange question I want to be a dom I've a sub who wants me to be a dom to her but I don't know how to go about it any advice

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Hi all strange question I want to be a dom I've a sub who wants me to be a dom to her but I don't know how to go about it any advice "

I'd get googling if I was you..

There is probably loads of advice online

Good luck

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By *ngel n tedCouple
over a year ago

maidstone

Watch 50 shades, works for many others

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By *iamondjoeMan
over a year ago

Glastonbury

"Watch 50 shades, works for many others"

LOL

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By *radleywigginsMan
over a year ago

northwest

Don't do it. Unless you're really confident you know what you're doing. Especially if she is new to it.

If you're not someone is going to get hurt.

The most important thing is that her submission is completely voluntary. Your role is to facilitate her pleasure by the act of submission. It is not about bullying, and very little is about your please.

Aim to be turned on by watching her get turned on by putting herself in a position where she feels safe enough to be able enjoy relinquishing control..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think ladybird have an instructional book

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By *est_woodMan
over a year ago

West London

Google Ched Evans and do what he did...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Change your name to Dominic

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By *nFairnessMan
over a year ago

The Four Corners

"Watch 50 shades, works for many others"

LOL

few quick hopefully obvious tips...

Build trust, establish a structure for your sub to adhere to (through mutual consent of course). Its a massive sliding scale of dynamics and you have to figure out whats right for you both.

Keep things spontaneous and non-repetitive.

Establish the limits, boundaries and fantasies of both you and your partner, cross reference, and use it as a journey rather than just a game.

Honestly there are those who do it as a laugh and those who do it for something more. Figure out which you are going for.

for more info look online

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By *iSTARessWoman
over a year ago

London

"Watch 50 shades, works for many others"

No, no and no again.

Read a lot. Screw The Roses, Send Me The Thorns is my favorite BDSM book.

Take your time. There's a LOT to learn.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Get on YouTube and look at rope tying.. could give you something to start with

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The any many types and level of dom/sub relationship. In order to know where to start you need to know what she want from her dom. Full time or part time? Daddy or master? Physical or mental or both? These are all important aspects to know.

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By *aughty_amazonWoman
over a year ago

BRISTOL

Cheap Grey suit and a whip from love honey and that's it!

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By *lkDomWhtSubBiCpleCouple
over a year ago

Somewhere / Everywhere /Kinksville

I'm new to being sub. It's not straight forward, there's a lot to this lifestyle and i salute you for asking.

Maybe attend some fet clubs together?

I'm lucky I've found a very experienced Dom.

But I was inundated before with messages from guys clearly not understanding the real concept and probably just wanted to slap my arse before having me

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By *nequeenslutWoman
over a year ago

rugeley

"Hi all strange question I want to be a dom I've a sub who wants me to be a dom to her but I don't know how to go about it any advice "

only that you should not take any notice of the so called doms on here or on some of the other sights

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

There are many interesting articles on the Web.. the word Dom in and of itself asks you the most important question first;

Dominate mind - pushing soft and flexible mental boundaries (what can and cannot be done)

Dominate body - pushing soft and flexible physical boundaries

Dominate both.

Once you know which element/s of a submissive you will be controlling then you will need to list those soft and flexible boundaries, together. Understand the most important thing; it is an illusionary activity, a submissive maintains complete control merely by the act of giving (or taking back) control, respect this, understand this and boundaries will be pushed in mutual satisfaction.

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By *iamondjoeMan
over a year ago

Glastonbury

"There are many interesting articles on the Web.. the word Dom in and of itself asks you the most important question first;

Dominate mind - pushing soft and flexible mental boundaries (what can and cannot be done)

Dominate body - pushing soft and flexible physical boundaries

Dominate both.

*takes notes for his meeting with Pauly*

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By *oodmessMan
over a year ago

yumsville

"Get on YouTube and look at rope tying.. could give you something to start with "

Do. Not. Do. This.

If you are new to taking the lead, she'll know you are new to taking the lead so I wouldn't worry too much about it.

Google around a bit, take things slow, don't rush anything. Build things up and don't fucking tie her up. Leave it till later, there's plenty to do - especially if she wants you to do them, and she has asked so find out.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Be prepared to work......hard!

Just because it looks like you're in charge, and looks like you have all the power, doesn't mean its all about you, ITS NEVER ABOUT THE DOM!!!!!

sub comes first, and like foreplay, never scrimp on the after Care.

And always know where your safety shears are when using rope, the human circulation system is a funny old thing

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By *rKinkedKuntMan
over a year ago

Sheffield

Use the other fetish site that is quite popular. Find out about social meets and club nights. Some clubs hold demonstration nights, you won't be expected to do anything but watch if you so wish. Talk to experienced couples, and don't just approach the females. Talk to the dom/dommes for advice. Oh and never ever watch that film.

Also ask yourself, do you actually want to do this or are you doing it just to get laid. If it's the latter don't bother.

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By *rKinkedKuntMan
over a year ago

Sheffield

"Hi all strange question I want to be a dom I've a sub who wants me to be a dom to her but I don't know how to go about it any advice

only that you should not take any notice of the so called doms on here or on some of the other sights "

Or those subs who know a couple of buzz words and think it's just about rough sex.

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By *uzy444Woman
over a year ago

in the suffolk countryside

its a journey of self reflection first..who are you? what are your qualities and characteristics..what attracts that sub to you..can you acknowledge these things in yourself and do those things give you joy?

read, watch, ask, mix with, reflect and discuss..with anyone and everyone only sometimes through process of elimination will you find you own unique 'style'..get your sub to do the same for herself (her im assuming)

screw the roses bring me thorns is a great book,

so is the topping book and the bottoming book and so is the story of O aqnd the Gor books if you are wondering where your hard limits are.

start small where you are comfortable and both expand from there.

always have a safe word to be used by either non judgmentally and make adequate provisions for after care and 'drop' for both sides...

checklists are useful to compare and start communication..it really is about building trust, rapport and style..then it gets fun xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Ignore the sarcastic comments and good on you OP for asking a hard question on a difficult subject. Google is your friend and be prepared to talk a lot about it, enjoy your journey together

Beard

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By *uzy444Woman
over a year ago

in the suffolk countryside

"Ignore the sarcastic comments and good on you OP for asking a hard question on a difficult subject. Google is your friend and be prepared to talk a lot about it, enjoy your journey together

Beard"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Be prepared to work......hard!

Just because it looks like you're in charge, and looks like you have all the power, doesn't mean its all about you, ITS NEVER ABOUT THE DOM!!!!!

sub comes first, and like foreplay, never scrimp on the after Care.

And always know where your safety shears are when using rope, the human circulation system is a funny old thing

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'd ask on a forum that isn't full of smartarses failing to have a laugh at your expense.

But speak to your sub about what she wants, being a Dom is many different things

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"There are many interesting articles on the Web.. the word Dom in and of itself asks you the most important question first;

Dominate mind - pushing soft and flexible mental boundaries (what can and cannot be done)

Dominate body - pushing soft and flexible physical boundaries

Dominate both.

*takes notes for his meeting with Pauly*

Please let me watch. Please let me watch. Please let me watch.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Hmmmmmm

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Hi all strange question I want to be a dom I've a sub who wants me to be a dom to her but I don't know how to go about it any advice "

I was in a similar situation a few years ago OP.

I did a lot of research on it, and what I thought I knew turned out to be absolutely nothing!

What I did find out was that I neither had the character or mentality to do it, nor was I able to take on what is essentially an extremely responsible role.

So I had to turn her down because I knew I couldn't give her what she wanted from me.

If she is very serious about the whole Dom/sub relationship, my advice is, really research it if you truly want to do the role of Dom as it is incredibly complicated, to do it justice and do it right for her.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Interesting, in my opinion it's more of a natural trait rather than a trained skill but then again some great leaders were made not only born.

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By *lkDomWhtSubBiCpleCouple
over a year ago

Somewhere / Everywhere /Kinksville

"Interesting, in my opinion it's more of a natural trait rather than a trained skill but then again some great leaders were made not only born."

I'd go along with that. As I said very limited experience, but it seems to come very naturally to very few guys.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's a fantasy world imo, I have met a few couples where the males described themselves as "doms," each one s total wimp who couldn't dominate a dripping tap.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Self reflection is the key... Are you really a Dom by nature or do you want to be one as your being asked to be one?

If you've got a positive attitude, an ability to communicate and a filthy dark mind then you'll be on the right tracks and you just need to hone on what ever aspect you want to perfect.

Don't worry about being a good Dom just concentrate on yourself improvement in how you talk converse with people and your Dom traits should ideally shine through.

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By *lkDomWhtSubBiCpleCouple
over a year ago

Somewhere / Everywhere /Kinksville

"It's a fantasy world imo, I have met a few couples where the males described themselves as "doms," each one s total wimp who couldn't dominate a dripping tap."

Meet mine

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A real Dom would never ask

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

That fact that your asking................

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By *uzy444Woman
over a year ago

in the suffolk countryside

"It's a fantasy world imo, I have met a few couples where the males described themselves as "doms," each one s total wimp who couldn't dominate a dripping tap."
what works for some doesnt work for others, all dynamics are different..there's no 'right way' apart from within that relationship itself.

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By *uzy444Woman
over a year ago

in the suffolk countryside

"A real Dom would never ask

"
bullshit

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By *uzy444Woman
over a year ago

in the suffolk countryside

"Self reflection is the key... Are you really a Dom by nature or do you want to be one as your being asked to be one?

If you've got a positive attitude, an ability to communicate and a filthy dark mind then you'll be on the right tracks and you just need to hone on what ever aspect you want to perfect.

Don't worry about being a good Dom just concentrate on yourself improvement in how you talk converse with people and your Dom traits should ideally shine through."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A real Dom would never ask

bullshit"

Show me one who has...

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By *MaleMan
over a year ago

My guess it you ain't a natural Dom if your asking for lessons in it. It's an extension of persona usually, anything other than is acting ??

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Be prepared to work......hard!

Just because it looks like you're in charge, and looks like you have all the power, doesn't mean its all about you, ITS NEVER ABOUT THE DOM!!!!!

sub comes first, and like foreplay, never scrimp on the after Care.

And always know where your safety shears are when using rope, the human circulation system is a funny old thing

Everything this guy said.

Don't read 50 shades.

Google is your friend.

Remember the sub is the one who actually holds all control, she is giving you a gift.

After care is so so important.

Despite popular belief, there are a lot if good Doms on here, who you could learn a lot from.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Wow... guy asks for some advice... perhaps if you have none to give........

OP as said before; to dominate someone, requires an understanding of the person you are dominating; this only comes through frank and open discussion; the discussion should lead to trust, and from trust you may develop the rules of play... good luck, slow and steady, limit "playtime" to a defined and set period to begin with, be careful of the crash (or fall), remember to dominate is not to abuse but to care...

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By *nFairnessMan
over a year ago

The Four Corners

"A real Dom would never ask

bullshit

Show me one who has..."

a real dom would know when to ask and when not to

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A real Dom would never ask

bullshit

Show me one who has...

a real dom would know when to ask and when not to

Good answer

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

wear black...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I'm new to being sub. It's not straight forward, there's a lot to this lifestyle and i salute you for asking.

Maybe attend some fet clubs together?

I'm lucky I've found a very experienced Dom.

But I was inundated before with messages from guys clearly not understanding the real concept and probably just wanted to slap my arse before having me

Agreed. I'm looking to try it but all I seem to get is the promise of pain without thresholds and men calling themselves mr. Grey. If I'm to trust a Dom, he better know what the fuck he's doing (pardon my French)

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By *ophieslutTV/TS
over a year ago

Central

Be yourself and respond to your partner's needs. Something forced or artificial is likely to be less satisfying compared to when things are fully natural.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

serious answer, join fetlife...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Be yourself and respond to your partner's needs. Something forced or artificial is likely to be less satisfying compared to when things are fully natural."

All the artificial bollocks really puts me off the Fet stuff. That said, Twirl loves it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Give the guy a break, seriously!

Kudos for asking OP, at least your not just wading in without a clue!

As quite an experienced sub, it's nice to see that someone isn't so far up there own arse to think they know it all, sometimes the ones you have to guide are the best!

Feel free to PM me OP

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By *uzy444Woman
over a year ago

in the suffolk countryside

"My guess it you ain't a natural Dom if your asking for lessons in it. It's an extension of persona usually, anything other than is acting ??"
people cant develop in their lifetime??? i think thats nonsense

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By *uzy444Woman
over a year ago

in the suffolk countryside

"Give the guy a break, seriously!

Kudos for asking OP, at least your not just wading in without a clue!

As quite an experienced sub, it's nice to see that someone isn't so far up there own arse to think they know it all, sometimes the ones you have to guide are the best!

Feel free to PM me OP

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By *uzy444Woman
over a year ago

in the suffolk countryside

"A real Dom would never ask

bullshit

Show me one who has...

a real dom would know when to ask and when not to

Good answer

"
ivbe had several conversations, reciprocal ones about Domming and subbing,here and other places, even in person..yes its not all online, there are real people out there too...

i assure you people gather information, when there's something sensible to be had..

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By *lkDomWhtSubBiCpleCouple
over a year ago

Somewhere / Everywhere /Kinksville

"I'm new to being sub. It's not straight forward, there's a lot to this lifestyle and i salute you for asking.

Maybe attend some fet clubs together?

I'm lucky I've found a very experienced Dom.

But I was inundated before with messages from guys clearly not understanding the real concept and probably just wanted to slap my arse before having me

I think I had a lot of guys message with nothing to state they are Dom on their profiles. Profile text and verifications are a good start.

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By *inky-MinxWoman
over a year ago

Grantham

Don't be a dim dom.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A real Dom would never ask

bullshit

Show me one who has...

a real dom would know when to ask and when not to

Good answer

ivbe had several conversations, reciprocal ones about Domming and subbing,here and other places, even in person..yes its not all online, there are real people out there too...

i assure you people gather information, when there's something sensible to be had.."

The two grinning green smileys in the first post were a clue

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Don't be a dim dom."

Don't Get Done Get Dom

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By *ouple in LancashireCouple
over a year ago

in Lancashire

"That fact that your asking................"

indicates an open mind, a willingness to learn about something and not dive in thinking yeah it's only about this or that..

give the guy a break he's at least being responsible and showing respect for the other person on asking..

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By *uzy444Woman
over a year ago

in the suffolk countryside

"A real Dom would never ask

bullshit

Show me one who has...

a real dom would know when to ask and when not to

Good answer

ivbe had several conversations, reciprocal ones about Domming and subbing,here and other places, even in person..yes its not all online, there are real people out there too...

i assure you people gather information, when there's something sensible to be had..

The two grinning green smileys in the first post were a clue

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By *anklerMan
over a year ago

Suffolk

"Hi all strange question I want to be a dom I've a sub who wants me to be a dom to her but I don't know how to go about it any advice "

Research, Research and Research again.

Lots of advice on t'internet.

Also ask advice of established Dom's and subs.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Give the guy a break, seriously!

Kudos for asking OP, at least your not just wading in without a clue!

As quite an experienced sub, it's nice to see that someone isn't so far up there own arse to think they know it all, sometimes the ones you have to guide are the best!

Feel free to PM me OP

Cute Kitty

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By *ouple in LancashireCouple
over a year ago

in Lancashire

"My guess it you ain't a natural Dom if your asking for lessons in it. It's an extension of persona usually, anything other than is acting ??"

we all develop and grow as we experience new aspects in life, 'swinging' being one of them..

new things don't always come naturally, especially within something as personal and intimate as having sex with other's, multiple people etc..

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By *anklerMan
over a year ago

Suffolk

"its a journey of self reflection first..who are you? what are your qualities and characteristics..what attracts that sub to you..can you acknowledge these things in yourself and do those things give you joy?

screw the roses bring me thorns is a great book,

so is the topping book and the bottoming book and so is the story of O aqnd the Gor books if you are wondering where your hard limits are.

start small where you are comfortable and both expand from there.

always have a safe word to be used by either non judgmentally and make adequate provisions for after care and 'drop' for both sides...

checklists are useful to compare and start communication..it really is about building trust, rapport and style..then it gets fun xx"

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By *imiUKMan
over a year ago

Hereford

"Interesting, in my opinion it's more of a natural trait rather than a trained skill but then again some great leaders were made not only born."

....and sometimes it isn't. In the past, I've had people insist that I must somehow be dom (to the etent of throwing a strop and calling me a liar when I said I wasn't). They were confusing "dom" with "billigerent old twat who doesn't suffer fools". I couldn't have less interest in "dom-ing" anyone.

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By *uzy444Woman
over a year ago

in the suffolk countryside

"Give the guy a break, seriously!

Kudos for asking OP, at least your not just wading in without a clue!

As quite an experienced sub, it's nice to see that someone isn't so far up there own arse to think they know it all, sometimes the ones you have to guide are the best!

Feel free to PM me OP

Cute Kitty

"
Thank you x

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By *ecretlyASoftieWoman
over a year ago

Hull but travel regularly

"Watch 50 shades, works for many others

No, no and no again.

Read a lot. Screw The Roses, Send Me The Thorns is my favorite BDSM book.

Take your time. There's a LOT to learn. "

I've seen this recommended a few times now so I've just ordered it

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By *uzy444Woman
over a year ago

in the suffolk countryside

"Watch 50 shades, works for many others

No, no and no again.

Read a lot. Screw The Roses, Send Me The Thorns is my favorite BDSM book.

Take your time. There's a LOT to learn.

I've seen this recommended a few times now so I've just ordered it

"
free pdf online if you google it xx as are the other books ive recommended in the past x

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By *ecretlyASoftieWoman
over a year ago

Hull but travel regularly

"Watch 50 shades, works for many others

No, no and no again.

Read a lot. Screw The Roses, Send Me The Thorns is my favorite BDSM book.

Take your time. There's a LOT to learn.

I've seen this recommended a few times now so I've just ordered it

free pdf online if you google it xx as are the other books ive recommended in the past x"

Fuck I just paid 14 quid on Amazon!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Watch 50 shades, works for many others

No, no and no again.

Read a lot. Screw The Roses, Send Me The Thorns is my favorite BDSM book.

Take your time. There's a LOT to learn.

I've seen this recommended a few times now so I've just ordered it

free pdf online if you google it xx as are the other books ive recommended in the past x

Fuck I just paid 14 quid on Amazon! "

Yep I had it in my amazon basket, glad I read that post

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By *piritsonfabCouple
over a year ago

Nottingham

Amazon will refund it if you cancel quick.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Isome folk like myself have the personality. Some don't

I love to be a complete bitch

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Be prepared to work......hard!

Just because it looks like you're in charge, and looks like you have all the power, doesn't mean its all about you, ITS NEVER ABOUT THE DOM!!!!!

sub comes first, and like foreplay, never scrimp on the after Care.

And always know where your safety shears are when using rope, the human circulation system is a funny old thing

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By *ecretlyASoftieWoman
over a year ago

Hull but travel regularly

"Amazon will refund it if you cancel quick. "

It's ok I'll find it easier to read the book than PDF online

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Op, when you figure it out can you pop round and give me a hand, my Violet Wand is not playing ball and I need someone to hold on to it while I test it. It wont hurt (much)! lol

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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago

Up on them there hills

Don't take advise from Dom's, ask subs.

There is another site which has a forum post for new subs, glean your building blocks from there.

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By *oi_LucyCouple
over a year ago

Barbados

"Screw The Roses" is definitely a good book to read. Also others I'd recommend

SM 101 by Jay Wiseman (covers all topics)

Bondage for Sex by Chanta Rose (if getting into ropework)

Anything by Greenery Press e.g The Compleat Spanker or Flogging

-Matt

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