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Learnt to be a dom

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

One thing that's always puzzled me is how Doms learnt to be one. You often see references to training submissives but the other way? Anyone want to give their history?

For the avoidance of doubt I'm not looking for advice on how to become one or what it means to be one. I'm interested in the process people went through. I'm assuming that people weren't born with that skill set, even if they had the inclination...

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By *retty_damagedCouple
over a year ago

coventry

They're not 'learnt'

They're taught.

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By *adyJayneWoman
over a year ago

Burnleyish (She/They)

Or they are self taught!

In my case lots and lots of reading, instructional videos, attending demos and workshops.

I had a few close friends and lovers who let me play with them know I was learning (and I still am, anyone who says they aren't is either lying or full of the brown smelly stuff so best avoided!) they gave responses and feedback all while I was scening with them, I listened, I adapted...

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By *ubgirl30Woman
over a year ago

Edinburgh

It's not something you learn, it's a natural thing, your either Dom or not. Waaay too many men say their a dom and don't have a clue!!

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"They're not 'learnt'

They're taught. "

No, they learnt. However also they may have been taught...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

We "learnt" by learning to spell and using correct grammar in the first instance!

You don't learn, you either are or are not dominant.

Mr SnT

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm more of a sub but think i have a hidden Dom side waiting to burst out haha X

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By *lowercandyWoman
over a year ago

Lancashire

I personally believe it's starts from within

A natural state that is honed through research, teaching, training.

It is a continuous development as each submissive is an individual and that relationship requires time

Unfortunately as said before. .lots of people think that they can wake up one morning! !

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"We "learnt" by learning to spell and using correct grammar in the first instance!

"

Clearly you didn't...

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By *andsonjohnMan
over a year ago

in the eye of the storm


"One thing that's always puzzled me is how Doms learnt to be one. You often see references to training submissives but the other way? Anyone want to give their history?

For the avoidance of doubt I'm not looking for advice on how to become one or what it means to be one. I'm interested in the process people went through. I'm assuming that people weren't born with that skill set, even if they had the inclination... "

I think technics play styles can to taunt but that doesn't make some one a dominant that's something that is a fundamental part of their sexual make up you can not learn to think in a certain way its ether in you or its not ,

I don't think you can train a sub ether the person ether has sub tendencies in their sexual made up or they don't .

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Or they are self taught!

In my case lots and lots of reading, instructional videos, attending demos and workshops.

I had a few close friends and lovers who let me play with them know I was learning (and I still am, anyone who says they aren't is either lying or full of the brown smelly stuff so best avoided!) they gave responses and feedback all while I was scening with them, I listened, I adapted...

"

The people that say they were born that way make me laugh. Definitely ones to avoid as they have no clue.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 24/09/16 19:36:29]

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By *VK_RugbyCouple
over a year ago

Rugby


"I'm more of a sub but think i have a hidden Dom side waiting to burst out haha X "

Isn't that called a switch

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

1, you have to have it in you to start with

2,if you want to be a Dom because you like rough sex, and this is the only reason, don't bother, you will soon get bored

3, be prepared to communicate in detail, about what your submissive needs

4, realise its never going to be "about you" because its not

5,you will never know everything, ever!

6, learn from a sub, not a Dom

7, learn the difference between Dom and sadist, it will save you a lot of trouble in the long run

8, remember the mantra, safe, sane, and consensual

9, steer clear of drugs and alcohol during bdsm play.

10, read, read, and do some more reading, bdsm porn is about as realistic as any other porn, its nice to look at, but when was the last time you had a pizza delivered by a teen hottie, who was not only horny, but had already had an enema, before her shift started.

11, remember to enjoy it.

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By *osieWoman
over a year ago

Wembley


"One thing that's always puzzled me is how Doms learnt to be one. You often see references to training submissives but the other way? Anyone want to give their history?

For the avoidance of doubt I'm not looking for advice on how to become one or what it means to be one. I'm interested in the process people went through. I'm assuming that people weren't born with that skill set, even if they had the inclination... "

Simple dimple

Workman's belt adorned with whips and chains and walk around declaring that one is a Masta'. Then just sit back and watch all the submissive women crawl on their hands and knees and wash ones feet in scented oils

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By *adyJayneWoman
over a year ago

Burnleyish (She/They)


"I'm more of a sub but think i have a hidden Dom side waiting to burst out haha X "

I was like that. Then I realised that I am actually much more of a masochist with a small submissive streak that few people get to see but actually I am dominant.

I personally don't hold much truck with people who say 'you are born dominant' it's an immensely fluid thing and can change for people from moment to moment. Most people (well men specifically) I've met that claim dominance from birth aren't dominant but arrogant and rude (I also don't subscribe to the 'submission is a precious gift' theory either)

Jay Wiseman (well known BDSM author) said in one of his books that every relationship (including friendship) has some element of domination and submission in it, but in a bdsm relationship the difference it that it is discussed and negotiated.

The people I've known in my life that I class as truly dominant have a quiet assurance that comes from an inner respect and inner control that they have cultivated.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"One thing that's always puzzled me is how Doms learnt to be one. You often see references to training submissives but the other way? Anyone want to give their history?

For the avoidance of doubt I'm not looking for advice on how to become one or what it means to be one. I'm interested in the process people went through. I'm assuming that people weren't born with that skill set, even if they had the inclination...

I think technics play styles can to taunt but that doesn't make some one a dominant that's something that is a fundamental part of their sexual make up you can not learn to think in a certain way its ether in you or its not"

Yes I can see that so I guess I'm interested how they 'learnt' the techniques and play styles

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Or they are self taught!

In my case lots and lots of reading, instructional videos, attending demos and workshops.

I had a few close friends and lovers who let me play with them know I was learning (and I still am, anyone who says they aren't is either lying or full of the brown smelly stuff so best avoided!) they gave responses and feedback all while I was scening with them, I listened, I adapted...

The people that say they were born that way make me laugh. Definitely ones to avoid as they have no clue. "

Its rare I disagree with you Scarlett stars, but in this case I'm not so sure

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By *adyJayneWoman
over a year ago

Burnleyish (She/They)


"Or they are self taught!

In my case lots and lots of reading, instructional videos, attending demos and workshops.

I had a few close friends and lovers who let me play with them know I was learning (and I still am, anyone who says they aren't is either lying or full of the brown smelly stuff so best avoided!) they gave responses and feedback all while I was scening with them, I listened, I adapted...

The people that say they were born that way make me laugh. Definitely ones to avoid as they have no clue. "

But you are just a pervert so what do you know

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Or they are self taught!

In my case lots and lots of reading, instructional videos, attending demos and workshops.

I had a few close friends and lovers who let me play with them know I was learning (and I still am, anyone who says they aren't is either lying or full of the brown smelly stuff so best avoided!) they gave responses and feedback all while I was scening with them, I listened, I adapted...

The people that say they were born that way make me laugh. Definitely ones to avoid as they have no clue.

Its rare I disagree with you Scarlett stars, but in this case I'm not so sure"

I mean the ones that say they know everything there is to know innately.

I agree it's a chemistry thing, you either have dom or sub or switch feelings in you or you don't. But I think everyone has to learn their 'craft'.

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By *andsonjohnMan
over a year ago

in the eye of the storm


"Or they are self taught!

In my case lots and lots of reading, instructional videos, attending demos and workshops.

I had a few close friends and lovers who let me play with them know I was learning (and I still am, anyone who says they aren't is either lying or full of the brown smelly stuff so best avoided!) they gave responses and feedback all while I was scening with them, I listened, I adapted...

The people that say they were born that way make me laugh. Definitely ones to avoid as they have no clue. "

this one thing and one point we are going to have to disagree on scarlet although I was not born the way I am, my sexual make up is a product of my up bringing and early life experiences just as much as my personality is.

there is a ton of research out there that proves we are all products of our nurture which can also effect what we find a turn on .

listening and adapting is in a dominants best interests as they must tailor their needs with a subs needs to find a satisfying sexual experience they need and crave.

to claim its all self taught is a lie one first have a need with in ones sexual make up . one then looks for answers upon identifying that what one needs one then sets about filling that void in ones sexual made up so one can finally get a gratifying sexual experience .

the need was there all along as its part of who they are as sexual animal that why they started the sexual journey there on in the first place .

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"1, you have to have it in you to start with

2,if you want to be a Dom because you like rough sex, and this is the only reason, don't bother, you will soon get bored

3, be prepared to communicate in detail, about what your submissive needs

4, realise its never going to be "about you" because its not

5,you will never know everything, ever!

6, learn from a sub, not a Dom

7, learn the difference between Dom and sadist, it will save you a lot of trouble in the long run

8, remember the mantra, safe, sane, and consensual

9, steer clear of drugs and alcohol during bdsm play.

10, read, read, and do some more reading, bdsm porn is about as realistic as any other porn, its nice to look at, but when was the last time you had a pizza delivered by a teen hottie, who was not only horny, but had already had an enema, before her shift started.

11, remember to enjoy it."
this is spot on for me and a lot of very sound reasoning

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Or they are self taught!

In my case lots and lots of reading, instructional videos, attending demos and workshops.

I had a few close friends and lovers who let me play with them know I was learning (and I still am, anyone who says they aren't is either lying or full of the brown smelly stuff so best avoided!) they gave responses and feedback all while I was scening with them, I listened, I adapted...

The people that say they were born that way make me laugh. Definitely ones to avoid as they have no clue.

Its rare I disagree with you Scarlett stars, but in this case I'm not so sure

I mean the ones that say they know everything there is to know innately.

I agree it's a chemistry thing, you either have dom or sub or switch feelings in you or you don't. But I think everyone has to learn their 'craft'. "

Cool back to agreement then lol

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By *imiUKMan
over a year ago

Hereford

Has it got something to do with a bungalow?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Has it got something to do with a bungalow?"

That only applies if you have a friend called Dick. From birth, otherwise you're an imposter.

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By *riskynriskyCouple
over a year ago

Essex.

It's not as easy as people make out, learning my craft I managed to accidently finish off a few subs.

Then you have to find a new sub quickly or you end up digging the hole yourself and that totally defeats the point of having subs...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I am not a Dom (or a sub), but I do think that there are a hell of a lot of people that believe 50 shades is a diploma course in either

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By *asokittyWoman
over a year ago

Nr Worksop


"It's not something you learn, it's a natural thing, your either Dom or not. Waaay too many men say their a dom and don't have a clue!! "

I would agree with this. You're either naturally dominant or you're not.

However I think you can learn to be a 'top'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"It's not something you learn, it's a natural thing, your either Dom or not. Waaay too many men say their a dom and don't have a clue!! "

This completely. Many think that being a dom involves physical acts of submission, physical control. More than anything, the best Sub / Dom relationship is a state of mind.

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By *osieWoman
over a year ago

Wembley

These Doms, born or created, do make me laugh

A friend if mine is sexually submissive and she has a Masta'. Good for her. Not good for him was when he bumped into me in a club and tried to be, 'Dom', by telling me in a 'masterful' manner to freshen up his drink

Told the tosspot to go get it himself and whilst he is at it, get an attitude adjustment to avoid getting a tongue-lashing from me in the future

Dom, Tom, my foot

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By *eKoopleCouple
over a year ago

Germany / Manchester

I'm part self taught through books and have been mentored. M

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Or they are self taught!

In my case lots and lots of reading, instructional videos, attending demos and workshops.

I had a few close friends and lovers who let me play with them know I was learning (and I still am, anyone who says they aren't is either lying or full of the brown smelly stuff so best avoided!) they gave responses and feedback all while I was scening with them, I listened, I adapted...

The people that say they were born that way make me laugh. Definitely ones to avoid as they have no clue.

Its rare I disagree with you Scarlett stars, but in this case I'm not so sure

I mean the ones that say they know everything there is to know innately.

I agree it's a chemistry thing, you either have dom or sub or switch feelings in you or you don't. But I think everyone has to learn their 'craft'.

Cool back to agreement then lol"

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By *andsonjohnMan
over a year ago

in the eye of the storm


"These Doms, born or created, do make me laugh

A friend if mine is sexually submissive and she has a Masta'. Good for her. Not good for him was when he bumped into me in a club and tried to be, 'Dom', by telling me in a 'masterful' manner to freshen up his drink

Told the tosspot to go get it himself and whilst he is at it, get an attitude adjustment to avoid getting a tongue-lashing from me in the future

Dom, Tom, my foot "

why would you think a guy being rude showing a lack of good manners was dom related .

the guy was just plain rude and arrogant that personality trait has nothing to do with his sexuality a vanilla guy can be just as rude and arrogant should we tar all vanilla guy the same way .

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By *eavenNhellCouple
over a year ago

carrbrook stalybridge


"One thing that's always puzzled me is how Doms learnt to be one. You often see references to training submissives but the other way? Anyone want to give their history?

For the avoidance of doubt I'm not looking for advice on how to become one or what it means to be one. I'm interested in the process people went through. I'm assuming that people weren't born with that skill set, even if they had the inclination...

Simple dimple

Workman's belt adorned with whips and chains and walk around declaring that one is a Masta'. Then just sit back and watch all the submissive women crawl on their hands and knees and wash ones feet in scented oils"
dont forget the poets collarless shirt leather trousers and waist coat to realy complete the authorative Dom look the poor subbie girls won't know what's hit them

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By *osieWoman
over a year ago

Wembley


"These Doms, born or created, do make me laugh

A friend if mine is sexually submissive and she has a Masta'. Good for her. Not good for him was when he bumped into me in a club and tried to be, 'Dom', by telling me in a 'masterful' manner to freshen up his drink

Told the tosspot to go get it himself and whilst he is at it, get an attitude adjustment to avoid getting a tongue-lashing from me in the future

Dom, Tom, my foot

why would you think a guy being rude showing a lack of good manners was dom related .

the guy was just plain rude and arrogant that personality trait has nothing to do with his sexuality a vanilla guy can be just as rude and arrogant should we tar all vanilla guy the same way . "

He thought so; not me

Just as the 'alpha-males' think that they are 'alpha-males'. I think of both such self-proclaimed groups as sad little tossers

I was once submissive to one man and he wasn't a Dom, Masta', Alpha-tosser or any of those. He never 'commanded' me or walked around with half of the Skin-Two store with him. There was just something about him. He only had to say and I would, everytime. That was a once in my lifetime experience

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

In my opinion you either are or you're not.

You can learn about a person and meet their needs as a sub but you are either Dom or you're not

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By *andsonjohnMan
over a year ago

in the eye of the storm


"These Doms, born or created, do make me laugh

A friend if mine is sexually submissive and she has a Masta'. Good for her. Not good for him was when he bumped into me in a club and tried to be, 'Dom', by telling me in a 'masterful' manner to freshen up his drink

Told the tosspot to go get it himself and whilst he is at it, get an attitude adjustment to avoid getting a tongue-lashing from me in the future

Dom, Tom, my foot

why would you think a guy being rude showing a lack of good manners was dom related .

the guy was just plain rude and arrogant that personality trait has nothing to do with his sexuality a vanilla guy can be just as rude and arrogant should we tar all vanilla guy the same way .

He thought so; not me

Just as the 'alpha-males' think that they are 'alpha-males'. I think of both such self-proclaimed groups as sad little tossers

I was once submissive to one man and he wasn't a Dom, Masta', Alpha-tosser or any of those. He never 'commanded' me or walked around with half of the Skin-Two store with him. There was just something about him. He only had to say and I would, everytime. That was a once in my lifetime experience"

I'm not a great fan of labels ether but sadly the world we live in loves to pigeon hole groups with labels .

this post of yours about that guy just proves that its a natural way of being that some one has or they don't ,you can not teach a natural way of being its in you or it isn't .

your experiences with that guy prove the point better than any posts on here based on the OPs original topic in my opinion .

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"These Doms, born or created, do make me laugh

A friend if mine is sexually submissive and she has a Masta'. Good for her. Not good for him was when he bumped into me in a club and tried to be, 'Dom', by telling me in a 'masterful' manner to freshen up his drink

Told the tosspot to go get it himself and whilst he is at it, get an attitude adjustment to avoid getting a tongue-lashing from me in the future

Dom, Tom, my foot

why would you think a guy being rude showing a lack of good manners was dom related .

the guy was just plain rude and arrogant that personality trait has nothing to do with his sexuality a vanilla guy can be just as rude and arrogant should we tar all vanilla guy the same way .

He thought so; not me

Just as the 'alpha-males' think that they are 'alpha-males'. I think of both such self-proclaimed groups as sad little tossers

I was once submissive to one man and he wasn't a Dom, Masta', Alpha-tosser or any of those. He never 'commanded' me or walked around with half of the Skin-Two store with him. There was just something about him. He only had to say and I would, everytime. That was a once in my lifetime experience"

I think it's a mutual chemistry thing. Some crazy spark.

Your last two sentences:

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"It's not something you learn, it's a natural thing, your either Dom or not. Waaay too many men say their a dom and don't have a clue!! "

It is something your born with....the tendency. But as with everything, skills need to be honed and improved.

Usain Bolt didn't get where he is without training!

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By *osieWoman
over a year ago

Wembley


"These Doms, born or created, do make me laugh

A friend if mine is sexually submissive and she has a Masta'. Good for her. Not good for him was when he bumped into me in a club and tried to be, 'Dom', by telling me in a 'masterful' manner to freshen up his drink

Told the tosspot to go get it himself and whilst he is at it, get an attitude adjustment to avoid getting a tongue-lashing from me in the future

Dom, Tom, my foot

why would you think a guy being rude showing a lack of good manners was dom related .

the guy was just plain rude and arrogant that personality trait has nothing to do with his sexuality a vanilla guy can be just as rude and arrogant should we tar all vanilla guy the same way .

He thought so; not me

Just as the 'alpha-males' think that they are 'alpha-males'. I think of both such self-proclaimed groups as sad little tossers

I was once submissive to one man and he wasn't a Dom, Masta', Alpha-tosser or any of those. He never 'commanded' me or walked around with half of the Skin-Two store with him. There was just something about him. He only had to say and I would, everytime. That was a once in my lifetime experience

I think it's a mutual chemistry thing. Some crazy spark.

Your last two sentences: "

Hate to wanna agree with you. Whats the fun in that; xxx

Yes, the chemistry/spark/explosion which happens between those two people (or three or four ...) is just between them. It is a closed-loop system and attempting to replicate it elsewhere usually doesn't work. Anyway, me no expert; me just dumb blonde bimbo

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"These Doms, born or created, do make me laugh

A friend if mine is sexually submissive and she has a Masta'. Good for her. Not good for him was when he bumped into me in a club and tried to be, 'Dom', by telling me in a 'masterful' manner to freshen up his drink

Told the tosspot to go get it himself and whilst he is at it, get an attitude adjustment to avoid getting a tongue-lashing from me in the future

Dom, Tom, my foot

why would you think a guy being rude showing a lack of good manners was dom related .

the guy was just plain rude and arrogant that personality trait has nothing to do with his sexuality a vanilla guy can be just as rude and arrogant should we tar all vanilla guy the same way .

He thought so; not me

Just as the 'alpha-males' think that they are 'alpha-males'. I think of both such self-proclaimed groups as sad little tossers

I was once submissive to one man and he wasn't a Dom, Masta', Alpha-tosser or any of those. He never 'commanded' me or walked around with half of the Skin-Two store with him. There was just something about him. He only had to say and I would, everytime. That was a once in my lifetime experience

I think it's a mutual chemistry thing. Some crazy spark.

Your last two sentences:

Hate to wanna agree with you. Whats the fun in that; xxx

Yes, the chemistry/spark/explosion which happens between those two people (or three or four ...) is just between them. It is a closed-loop system and attempting to replicate it elsewhere usually doesn't work. Anyway, me no expert; me just dumb blonde bimbo "

Blondes huh... Never born that way. xx

I realise I appear to have contradicted myself in this thread. So to clarify:

It's not innate but you're born that way.

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By *osieWoman
over a year ago

Wembley


" ...

Anyway, me no expert; me just dumb blonde bimbo

Blondes huh... Never born that way. xx

... "

Father's-side, mother's-side? Actually, usually, Pero-xide

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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago

Up on them there hills

Odd thing was I didn't recognise my assertive side (last thing to discover water would be fish, type of thing).

It was a sub that enlightened me, I built, and still are building, my knowledge, psychological understanding and capability from something that appears to emulate from either Kant or Hulme theory.

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By *igerlilycubWoman
over a year ago

Lancashire


"1, you have to have it in you to start with

2,if you want to be a Dom because you like rough sex, and this is the only reason, don't bother, you will soon get bored

3, be prepared to communicate in detail, about what your submissive needs

4, realise its never going to be "about you" because its not

5,you will never know everything, ever!

6, learn from a sub, not a Dom

7, learn the difference between Dom and sadist, it will save you a lot of trouble in the long run

8, remember the mantra, safe, sane, and consensual

9, steer clear of drugs and alcohol during bdsm play.

10, read, read, and do some more reading, bdsm porn is about as realistic as any other porn, its nice to look at, but when was the last time you had a pizza delivered by a teen hottie, who was not only horny, but had already had an enema, before her shift started.

11, remember to enjoy it."

A Dom is only as good as their sub as they are ultimately the ones giving up control

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I spent years having Urge's, before I found out about bdsm, then I spent years fighting those feelings, thinking they were wrong, then I spent years finding where I fit into the bdsm scene, and now I'm on the learning curve, trying to be the best that I can be, because anyone who enters into a sub/Dom relationship with me, deserves more than half arsed spanking, and a rough fuck, they deserve the world and everything in it

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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago

Up on them there hills

My thoughts are, what makes a sub, people talk about training. To me that feels superficial.

Suppose it's the nature/nature debate.

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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago

Up on them there hills


"My thoughts are, what makes a sub, people talk about training. To me that feels superficial.

Suppose it's the nature/nature debate."

One day I'll be able to spell nurture

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By *iSTARessWoman
over a year ago

London

I've known from a very young age I was dominant (and bizarrely see the same personality characteristics in my two year old niece).

Took me years to realize what that meant and how to channel it. Some say to be a good Domme you need to learn to sub but personally it bores me. I know my place, I'll bottom but never sub.

Luckily I had play pals to practice on and was taught a lot by a pro Domme.

Know your health and safety, I get very annoyed seeing marks in potentially lethal places. Had to tell a so-called Dom off recently for marking his sub heavily on her hips and near the kidneys. If she had to go to hospital, he could be charged with ABH and she would also be charged with aiding and abetting. Safety first, always.

Read a lot. I've found Screw The Roses, Send Me The Thorns to be the best all-round, unpretentious book on BDSM. Remember you never stop learning. Dynamics always change.

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