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Jokes

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Post your jokes to brighten up today. I will start with this one.

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

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By *lutandhubbyCouple
over a year ago

west midlands

I was walking the dog this morning at 10am when I heard a noise from the lake, I went to investigate and saw David Cameron waving his arms about obviously in difficulty in the water and going to drown. Being a responsible citizen I immediately went home and summoned the authorities. its 11PM now, and no one has attended, I fear I might have wasted a stamp

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Alex Ferguson walked into a bakers in Glasgow and pointed to the cakes in the window. He asked the girl behind the counter, "is that a macaroon or a meringue?" The girl responded, "no, you're right, it's a macaroon"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 14/06/16 17:07:46]

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By *lumsy colinMan
over a year ago

basingstoke

I bought a box of animal crackers it said dont consume if seal is broken. I opened the box and guess what

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By *omnlynneCouple
over a year ago

milton keynes

macaroon or meringue am i missing something here? i just aint getting it

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By *azkinsWoman
over a year ago

leeds

Me neither _omnlynne

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By *inglenfreeMan
over a year ago

london

Meringue. Am I wrong in a Scottish accent

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

2 dyslexics walking down the street. One says to his mate can you smell gas. His mate says smell gas I can't Evan smell my own name

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Meringue. Am I wrong in a Scottish accent"

yes, it does need to be read in a strong Scottish accent

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Two bulls are on the side of the hill, one young and one old. The young bull says to the older one "I am going to run down the hill and shag myself a cow". The old bull looks at him and says "take it easy son, we can walk do and shag the lot of them"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Eh?

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By *lutandhubbyCouple
over a year ago

west midlands

The other day I went to pay for a prostitute and I said to her, "I don't mind paying a bit extra, but I'm a bit kinky and would like to hit you around a bit after I've come..."

She replied, "Well, how long would you beat me for?"

So I answered, "Until you've given me my money back."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A Scottish man walks into a bar

There's no English man or Irish man

They are all at Euro 2016

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By *antasticMrsFoxMan
over a year ago

Exeter

How do monkeys make cheese on toast..... Under a gorilla......

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was in my local the other night and a group of men were at the bar, they kept calling one fellow donkey.obviously I thought this guy must have a massive cock and after a few drinks curiosity got the better of me and I asked him why they call him donkey.

He said, I don't know eeaw eeaw eealways calls me that

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's difference between a Kangaroo and a Kangaroot?

Ones an Austrilian animal and the other is a Geordie stuck in a lift!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I used to see the lady across the street...... Until she saw me

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two cannibals were eating a clown when one of them turns to the other and says. "Does this taste funny to you?"

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By *hy-totCouple
over a year ago

Skellow

paddy says too his mrs my bum is burning she says ring sting paddy says what will he no

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By *olgateMan
over a year ago

on the road to nowhere in particular


"Alex Ferguson walked into a bakers in Glasgow and pointed to the cakes in the window. He asked the girl behind the counter, "is that a macaroon or a meringue?" The girl responded, "no, you're right, it's a macaroon" "

Macaroon? Did he think he was the queen?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"macaroon or meringue am i missing something here? i just aint getting it"

Sounds like macaroon or am I wrong

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How much do cockneys pay for shampoo?

Pantene

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

An Englishman, an Irishman, a scottishman, a Welshman, a American, a Jamaican, a chinaman, a Greek, a Latvian, a Russian, a phillipino, a Dutchman, a Frenchman, a Belgian and a German walk into a bar. The barman turns to them and says "I cant let you in without a Thai"

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By *idaaCouple
over a year ago

Wolverhampton

is it just me ? i only got one or 2 of these jokes so far lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why did Jenny fall off her swing?

She had no arms!

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By *igandy123Man
over a year ago

old trafford

My salary

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By *igandy123Man
over a year ago

old trafford

Ha I thought I was the only one!

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By *ockyjohnMan
over a year ago

North West

Did you know that 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy ?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What has a woman and a KFC got in common? When you're finished with the legs and breast you have still got a sweaty box to stick your bone in

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

These jokes have made my night!

Betty

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By *educerMan
over a year ago

Brentwood

Tired this morning. Went to the gym last night. Told them I wanted to learn how to do the splits. He asked how flexible I was? I said I can't do Thursday's

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By *oiluvfunMan
over a year ago

Penrith


"Meringue. Am I wrong in a Scottish accent

yes, it does need to be read in a strong Scottish accent"

Actually, we would pronounce it the same way in Cumbria, so I got it first time lol

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By *oiluvfunMan
over a year ago

Penrith

My wife thinks I have commitment issues.

Well, I say 'wife'.......

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By *oiluvfunMan
over a year ago

Penrith

Two blondes fall down hole.

One says; "It's a bit dark in here isn't it?"

The other replies; "I don't know, I can't see"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

News breaks that a woman is driving down the m6 the wrong way

Horrified hubby calls his wife to tell her

She says' it's not just one darling. Their all doing it'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I took my new girlfriend on the carousel at the fair.

It was just a roundabout way of getting in her knickers.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A wizard walks into a gay bar................ And disappears with a poof

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Mickey and Minnie are in the the divorce court. Judge says, "I'm sorry Mr Mouse but I can't grant you a divorce just because your wife has crooked teeth."

"I never said that", replied Mickey. "I said she was fucking Goofy".

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