FabSwingers.com forum: Disparity in bisexuality

By *antilevered OP Couple
over a year ago

North London

As Mr Cantilevered has been unavoidably diverted this evening, I find myself in our hotel room on my own with time to have a really good look at this site and admire some profiles that we probably wouldn't necessarily look at if we were lying here together.

As I read through, I find myself reflecting on diversity in this niche world of ours. Pat and I have often talked about how proud we are of the inclusivity and broad acceptance of difference within the vast majority of the 'recreational sex community'. I use this expression rather than 'swingers' as not everyone who uses this site is a swinger but nonetheless feel an imperative to pursue a sexual identity beyond the traditional model.

In our time, Pat and I have encountered couples who profess to all manner of religions, couples from countries beyond counting, people of all ages, shapes, education, career and political philosophy. Whilst many may have a preferred type of play partner, there is generally a sense of appreciation and respect of the courage and confidence of everyone that decides to play in whatever way seems right to them.

Having thought about this apparently open and accepting culture, I couldn't help but be struck by the apparent disparity in the number of couples where the male partner declares as straight but the female as bisexual or bi-curious. Of course there could be some physical or hormonal reason why this might be an entirely reasonable if statistically unlikely scenario.

However, I wondered if this has more to do with women being more empowered to own their own sexuality without feeling that it represents some flaw on their part.

To put this in context, most of the couples that we have ever met with (and in fairness, that's not a huge number) the male half has always been clear about being straight in their profile or in communication etc.

However, very often when an encounter has taken on a physical dimension, as hearts start to beat faster and inhibitions diminish, the 'straight' male half having gotten to know Pat a bit, has started to drop hints about always having wondered what it might be like to touch another guy and before long they're enjoying one of the the most exhilarating times of their life.

I have honestly seen strong tough men crying with the emotional release whilst poor old Pat makes them cup's of tea and listens to them talking about how they've suddenly discovered this or that about themselves and how life might have turned out if they'd been more honest with themselves earlier.

I daresay there are many members on here with academic or practical knowledge on this and I'd be really interested in whether any other bisexual couples have had similar experiences and whether their interpretation is any different.

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By *epper123Woman
over a year ago

London

[Removed by poster at 18/10/15 22:59:00]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yes we have, no our interpretation isn't any different

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Many women look down on bi men, so make y don't express it publicly as they don't want to miss out on meets

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Unfortunately it's not just women, but almost a complete societal view that bi men are pariahs.

For some reason it seems that men can only be accepted as straight or gay, no middle ground.

It seems men aren't meant to be as sexually empowered as women

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"As Mr Cantilevered has been unavoidably diverted this evening, I find myself in our hotel room on my own with time to have a really good look at this site and admire some profiles that we probably wouldn't necessarily look at if we were lying here together.

However, I wondered if this has more to do with women being more empowered to own their own sexuality without feeling that it represents some flaw on their part.

I can't say more than what I experienced. My first bi encounter was with a CD in a club. No drama, asked advice on fab, a few people agreed I had bi tendencies. Voila. However, years of being called gay at school for completely unrelated reasons gave me a negative image of sexuality for men, probably why it took so long to act on my bi tendencies. I'm happier now than I've been in almost two decades

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By *rightonsteveMan
over a year ago

Brighton - even Hove!

I was straight and became bisexual. All I can say is in here at least, say that you're bi and be proud of it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Unfortunately it's not just women, but almost a complete societal view that bi men are pariahs.

For some reason it seems that men can only be accepted as straight or gay, no middle ground.

It seems men aren't meant to be as sexually empowered as women"

Oh yeah good point. When you say you're bi there are people who immediately say and or think "you're gay and denying it". Ummm nope, don't fancy men, wouldn't kiss one - just love their cocks and even then there has to be a pair of tits in the room to keep it company

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By *antilevered OP Couple
over a year ago

North London

"I was straight and became bisexual. All I can say is in here at least, say that you're bi and be proud of it. "

Do you really think you became bisexual, rather than released a latent tendency?

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By *rightonsteveMan
over a year ago

Brighton - even Hove!

"I was straight and became bisexual. All I can say is in here at least, say that you're bi and be proud of it.

Do you really think you became bisexual, rather than released a latent tendency? "

Believe me, I've analysed it and no, not a hint ever. Always was straight.

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By *ike4362ukMan
over a year ago

Cheshunt

I think the disparity in numbers is due to a large number of guys being in denial to themselves or just fibbing because they can't gauge their partners likely reaction.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

We are eof course ignoring all the women who aren't really bi bit will say they are to please their partner

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By *antilevered OP Couple
over a year ago

North London

That is a very valid point.

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By *antilevered OP Couple
over a year ago

North London

"Unfortunately it's not just women, but almost a complete societal view that bi men are pariahs.

For some reason it seems that men can only be accepted as straight or gay, no middle ground.

It seems men aren't meant to be as sexually empowered as women

Well that's pretty much the type of scenario I was referring to. The men I'm thinking about do not wander around 'fancying' or eyeing up other men nor do they have the least interest in snogging or curling up on a sofa with a nice movie or going for romantic walks in an autumn forest! I was referring to men who find themselves in a position where they are heterosexual in every sense other than they occasionally like to play with another man's Elvis Presley in the scenario of an uninhibited sexual encounter with a like-minded couple. My original reflection was about whether a lot of men are unaware of their latency or unable to own it.

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By *orthwest_cplCouple
over a year ago

Stretford

"We are eof course ignoring all the women who aren't really bi bit will say they are to please their partner"

That is an often quoted idea but we have very rarely found this on the club scene.

We've met a very small number of genuinely straight women and a similar number of 'bi' women who are doing it to please, but would hazard a guess that 90% of the women we've met have been bi to some extent. By this I mean that they will have at least some sexual contact with another woman for their own enjoyment.

Possibly the situation is different on the 'meeting via a website' scene but we have no experience of that.

The difference between the number of bi women and bi men is probably due to how boys are brought up to be 'men' and how society looks down on any man who is less than a man. It can be difficult to overcome a lifetime of being stereotyped on what your sexuality should be.

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By *orthwest_cplCouple
over a year ago

Stretford

"Well that's pretty much the type of scenario I was referring to. The men I'm thinking about do not wander around 'fancying' or eyeing up other men nor do they have the least interest in snogging or curling up on a sofa with a nice movie or going for romantic walks in an autumn forest! I was referring to men who find themselves in a position where they are heterosexual in every sense other than they occasionally like to play with another man's Elvis Presley in the scenario of an uninhibited sexual encounter with a like-minded couple. My original reflection was about whether a lot of men are unaware of their latency or unable to own it. "

You have just answered your own question.

I know you won't have intended to, but you have suggested a more 'masculine' sort of bi-ness. It's ok to suck cock but don't dare kiss or cuddle.

That I think is the very reason there aren't as many men being openly bi as there are women, and probably why there are a lot of men who will never admit to themselves that they could be bi. It's hard to accept that society is looking down at you so hiding it is the solution.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Let's face it, most of us on here went to school when being labelled 'gay' was one of the most common and powerful terms of insult, abuse, bullying and exclusion. It reflected a cultural attitude that stigmatised male homosexuality in ways not unlike the way paedophilia is thought of today (and before anyone starts, no they are not even remotely comparable). For young boys growing up in that climate, it was almost a matter of social survival to anything, thoughts, feelings, acts, that carried the risk of being labelled gay. I remember kissing a close friend on the lips whilst d*unk aged about 15, even among my best mates I never lived it down. I used to jerk off to Playboy with another mate, I always yearned to go further and experiment by touching him and I reckon he felt the same, but neither of us had the balls to take that first forbidden step. I regret it a lot, I've always been mainly attracted to women but had this insatiable curiosity about men too. Yet it always seemed to be a black and white decision - if I was straight, everything I thought, felt and did had to be straight, otherwise I was gay. So I suppressed a lot, and I reckon that's what a large proportion of 'straight' men do when it comes to sexual experimentation.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Being cynical ....

So far as a disparity in profiles go - could it possibly be that some people are telling porkies just to improve their chances of getting a meet...?

Could it be that some men lie and say they're Straight, when they're not...

... and some women lie and say that they're Bi when they're not...

Or is it just me thinking that, all on my own...?

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By *antilevered OP Couple
over a year ago

North London

"Being cynical ....

So far as a disparity in profiles go - could it possibly be that some people are telling porkies just to improve their chances of getting a meet...?

Could it be that some men lie and say they're Straight, when they're not...

... and some women lie and say that they're Bi when they're not...

Or is it just me thinking that, all on my own...?

Yes, of course that will be the case with a number of people, probably a significant number at that. However, I think there is a deeply rooted inhibitor within many men which renders them unwilling or unable to become self aware in this way. Other posters have made relevant points each a revelation in it's own right. As a consequence of writing this little piece, I've received some very interesting private messages from people who for their own reasons do not wish to express their opinions in a forum. The upshot though is that many people struggle to sever the link between ingrained moral absolutism and particular aspects of sexual behaviour.

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By *rs-Naughty_Mr-CuddlesCouple
over a year ago

Nr coleford

you get the straight guys fabing Mr in his panties we do get a little pived off with it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Simple non scientific theory from this weekend meet ladies are softer and prettier!

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By *ermandrMan
over a year ago

Glasgow

This is one of the most intelligent and well-posted threads I've seen on here.

I have very recently changed my profile to bi-curious (it's difficult to put the incredibly wide range of human sexuality into the three categories offered on here). Here's why...

I my youth, I moved to London and spent a few years working in bars, clubs and restaurants. I had been exclusively heterosexual prior to my move. In every place I worked, the majority of the male staff were gay. I had a gay flat mate for three years. I was young, (reasonably) cute, horny and open to anything that the big bad city had to offer.

Due to the sexual orientation imbalance at work, a great deal of my socialising was in gay bars and clubs. I was chatted up endlessly and by all sorts of men. I was egged on by my work friends, but no matter how horny, personally (rather than sexually) attracted to someone or d*unk I got I never found myself persuing any opportunity I was blatantly offered. I was just never once attracted to any men that tried to pick me up. In the end, I cut down my social activity with the work crowd as I had begun to feel like a bit of a cock tease.

Cut to years later. I had been introduced to the swinging scene by a girlfriend and found it suited me very well in terms of honesty of intent and the collective discretion of the people. We (and later, I) shared may great nights with all sorts of combinations of people. I was (and still am) very happy with things.

It was on my third mmf threesome as a single man that I finally touched another man. It was the first time for him, too. It just felt right to 'complete the circle' in the moment. He was on top of her and I was watching them fuck as I sucked her nipples and she played with my cock. I became fixated on watching his cock slide in and out, wet from her pussy. I just reached down and stroked her clit, feeling his powerful thrusts against my fingers. He raised himself up and made his strokes more shallow, exposing more of his glistening cock. I moved my fingers from her to him, ringing the base of his thick cock. He came very hard when I cupped his balls.

Afterwards, we were all shocked and surprised by what had happened, but after quite a serious talk, agreed that it had been very erotic for all of us.

Since then and after many happy nights with the same couple (now not active on here) I have very much enjoyed the pleasure that sharing with a couple can bring without inhibition.

I am still exclusively heterosexual outwith a group situation and I'm still not in any way attracted to solo men. I do now feel that something is missing from a very strictly hetero mmf, unless that's exactly what the couple want. I don't understand couples who want to share with a man if the male partner is so uptight that he will move his leg if mine is touching his - unless it's a pure voyuer situation. I don't know what that makes me. Pansexual? Group pleasure oriented? I'm comfortable with what I am - a giver and taker of pleasure - I'm just not sure that the limiting labels offered here can define my (or anyone else's) sexuality.

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By *antilevered OP Couple
over a year ago

North London

Beautifully articulated. 'Honesty of intent' is such a pivotal premise in your position. I bet that'll have Mr Cantilevered slapping his knees with delight when he sees it later. X

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By *ermandrMan
over a year ago

Glasgow

Thank you - it's just so rare to have a thoughtful, sober and well-written discussion on here. I liked "ingrained moral absolutism" as a concept, too, but I hope having read my post that you will understand that there was nothing ingrained, moral or absolute about my decision to change my status on here or the length of time it took me to do so. Mine was a slow journey and having worked and partied with the people I worked and lived with meant that there was nothing ingrained about my behaviour then or now.

It's so good to see these forums used in such a positive and sharing way.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Unfortunately it's not just women, but almost a complete societal view that bi men are pariahs.

For some reason it seems that men can only be accepted as straight or gay, no middle ground.

It seems men aren't meant to be as sexually empowered as women

No, no I'm sorry but you've lost me... I might not like snogging guys but who doesn't like the fresh air of an autumn forest walk?

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By *antilevered OP Couple
over a year ago

North London

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By *eonardoLoveMan
over a year ago

London

Bi girls are widely accepted, ALSO IN THE VANILLA WORLD!? Online dating and Swinging Wolrd is dominated by Couples with bi-fem searching for a bi single girl

Bi men are much much less accepted. Some girls do not want to meet bi men.

It could be for the higher probability to transmit STDs amongst homosexual male intercourse...or juat simply because men are less attractive than girls

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think bi men are great

It's sad that even here on Fabs, some men hide it cus other people have such a negative view about bi men

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By *rightonsteveMan
over a year ago

Brighton - even Hove!

I'm bisexual and not the slightest bit ashamed of it.

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By *eonardoLoveMan
over a year ago

London

"I'm bisexual and not the slightest bit ashamed of it. "

Right thing to do

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By *ichael_OxlongMan
over a year ago

London

I'm quite happy to admit that I'm bisexual on Fabs but there's no way I'd do it in 'the real world' as people would just assume that I'm in denial about being gay.

I fancy women,not men but occasionally I like to have a little fun with a guy who's masculine,straight acting and similar to myself,especially in a mmf situation.

It's just so much more fun....

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By *eonardoLoveMan
over a year ago

London

"I'm quite happy to admit that I'm bisexual on Fabs but there's no way I'd do it in 'the real world' as people would just assume that I'm in denial about being gay.

I fancy women,not men but occasionally I like to have a little fun with a guy who's masculine,straight acting and similar to myself,especially in a mmf situation.

It's just so much more fun...."

Maybe because you play with two partners...reason why I love MFF

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By *antilevered OP Couple
over a year ago

North London

Janey man...outed by own wife!

However, I think she's absolutely right in what she's said. Except for me making pots of tea for hordes of weeping men.

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By *rotiquexxxMan
over a year ago

Unquenchable Desires

"Many women look down on bi men, so make y don't express it publicly as they don't want to miss out on meets "

Does it matter if one cannot get meets in the first place?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm of the opinion that we shouldn't need to define our sexuality. Speaking as the bi female of the couple, I find beautiful people to be beautiful... and I want to touch them and play with them accordingly. BUT, if anyone in the 'real' world were to ask, I'd still say I'm straight. I like my relationship with my man, I like cock too much to give it up

I suppose in a way, it does also conform to social norms, which is totally not okay for a couple as deviant as us!

However, in a highly sexual moment, none of that matters. I am a heterosexual monogamous woman... who sometimes(often) likes to play as a submissive, bisexual poly slut!

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By *jeibm2012Man
over a year ago

manchester nr piccadilly

I like guys and girls to different extents at different times for various reasons. Don't know what that makes me! It's true that bisexuality is seen as a cop-out for guys, and as liberating for women. I've also seen it written on advice threads in this forum that a guy putting bi-curious or bisexual on here will limit his chances of a meet because some women don't like bi guys. For a liberal, adult website there's a lot of bullshit and politics lol

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By *eonardoLoveMan
over a year ago

London

"I've also seen it written on advice threads in this forum that a guy putting bi-curious or bisexual on here will limit his chances of a meet because some women don't like bi guys. For a liberal, adult website there's a lot of bullshit and politics lol"

Yep I confirm.

To maintain the balance, can I say that I prefer straight girls?

I do fancy bi girls of course, but a straight MFF is better from a Sex point of view then a bi MFF...eventhough you can do more combinations in the latter

Probability to organise it are much less though

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By *LCCCouple
over a year ago

Cambridge

Interesting post OP. Women do look better naked though, so perhaps that accounts for more bi women than bi men.

I think our culture (both western/British as well as the ethically non-monogamous community) view female bisexuality as the ultimate fantasy come true. The other side of the coin is bisexual men are seen as being diseased, unnatural and a massive turn off for many. I think this is unfair on both sexes really.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I experienced it first with a married couple, simply going with the flow. I am happy to enjoy another guy but only in the company of a girl, I don't get turned on by 1:1 male too much.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Many women look down on bi men, so make y don't express it publicly as they don't want to miss out on meets

Does it matter if one cannot get meets in the first place? "

Improve your profile then. Half of it is about your preferences when it comes to males then at the end says not meeting men so may as well ditch anything to do with them on the profile.

Expand it a bit ditch the self pity with regards to experience and just write what you're genuinely looking for and like

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