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Wife sharing and hotwife

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

So I get contacted by a fair amount of guys asking if my 'hubby' really lets me out to play. And that if I was 'theirs' they would 'keep me' all to themselves and not 'share' me around.

I also see that the bisexual chat room on here is always full of guys looking for 'hotwife' chat or 'wife share' chat.

The hotwife and wife share concepts seem to be pretty common in the swinging world. Or at least on this website.

But am I the only person who is a little uncomfortable with these concepts? They seem kind of outdated and... 70s.

It's just, the terms seem to me to convey ideas of really quite sexist ownership. From a time when women were regarded still as subservient and property of their 'hubby'. And use of the words seem to suggest to me that the guy saying it might believe that women shouldn't normally be allowed to be promiscuous or explore their sexual desire. And in the case when they ask me if my husband really lets me out to play - that I wouldn't be here without my imaginary husbands permission.

Does anyone else find this kind of discussion about hotwives and wife share an utter turn off? Perhaps I'm the only person that finds it a little misogynistic and antiquated. It just seems, to me, like the people who use these terms don't really seem to respect women in general. Which doesn't seem very compatible with a progressive and sexually liberated lifestyle.

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By *arry247Couple
over a year ago

Wakefield

We would say the “guys asking if my 'hubby' really lets me out to play” don’t understand what swinging is about some may even be trying to complement you by saying that as they think you are hot, they do not understand how liberating sharing an wife or a husband is.

It is similar to a wolf whistle, they were a sign of appreciation but “feminists” took it upon themselves to turn a complement into an insult similar to a man hold the door open for a woman (even though that same man would hold the door open for whoever was coming after them man or woman.

Why should it be misogynistic there is no dislike or prejudice against women there, it seems to us you are overthinking the issue and reading meanings that are only in your mind.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"We would say the “guys asking if my 'hubby' really lets me out to play” don’t understand what swinging is about some may even be trying to complement you by saying that as they think you are hot, they do not understand how liberating sharing an wife or a husband is.

It is similar to a wolf whistle, they were a sign of appreciation but “feminists” took it upon themselves to turn a complement into an insult similar to a man hold the door open for a woman (even though that same man would hold the door open for whoever was coming after them man or woman.

Why should it be misogynistic there is no dislike or prejudice against women there, it seems to us you are overthinking the issue and reading meanings that are only in your mind.

"

I like thinking. And then I like putting my ideas out there for people to comment on, and then I like thinking about peoples comments.

Thank you for your thought. I certainly see and understand how you feel, but I just do not feel that way myself.

I don't 'share' my partners. They are their own people who make their own decisions about who they want to sleep with. It's a different world view I guess. Sometimes I share experiences with them and other people, but I never share 'them'.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I would say marriage is ownership, you own each other, and yes I let Mrs l play, without my permission she wouldn't be doing anything, exactly the same way she lets me play, if either of us say no its a no, so yes we both own and have a say over each other,

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By *arry247Couple
over a year ago

Wakefield


"

I don't 'share' my partners. They are their own people who make their own decisions about who they want to sleep with. It's a different world view I guess. Sometimes I share experiences with them and other people, but I never share 'them'."

If you are not possessive about your "partners" why label them using the possessive pronoun 'my'.

That shows you do at some level share them even if they decide who they sleep with.

I share B and she shares me, I say that as a married couple who on marriage became one rather than the two separate individuals we were before.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"

I don't 'share' my partners. They are their own people who make their own decisions about who they want to sleep with. It's a different world view I guess. Sometimes I share experiences with them and other people, but I never share 'them'.

If you are not possessive about your "partners" why label them using the possessive pronoun 'my'.

That shows you do at some level share them even if they decide who they sleep with.

I share B and she shares me, I say that as a married couple who on marriage became one rather than the two separate individuals we were before.

"

Because the English language is naturally posessive - and I'm uncomfortable with that. I've not found a good word to replace 'my'.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

i'm sure the guy meant it in the nicest way!

Bit heavy this time of morning

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"So I get contacted by a fair amount of guys asking if my 'hubby' really lets me out to play. And that if I was 'theirs' they would 'keep me' all to themselves and not 'share' me around.

I also see that the bisexual chat room on here is always full of guys looking for 'hotwife' chat or 'wife share' chat.

The hotwife and wife share concepts seem to be pretty common in the swinging world. Or at least on this website.

But am I the only person who is a little uncomfortable with these concepts? They seem kind of outdated and... 70s.

It's just, the terms seem to me to convey ideas of really quite sexist ownership. From a time when women were regarded still as subservient and property of their 'hubby'. And use of the words seem to suggest to me that the guy saying it might believe that women shouldn't normally be allowed to be promiscuous or explore their sexual desire. And in the case when they ask me if my husband really lets me out to play - that I wouldn't be here without my imaginary husbands permission.

Does anyone else find this kind of discussion about hotwives and wife share an utter turn off? Perhaps I'm the only person that finds it a little misogynistic and antiquated. It just seems, to me, like the people who use these terms don't really seem to respect women in general. Which doesn't seem very compatible with a progressive and sexually liberated lifestyle."

No, your not the only one! But I do think a lot of it is down to lack of updated terminology and not just sexism in men. I find it hard to believe that so many women on here would actually kowtow to being used as a chattel (unless their kink is that specific, and in which case it's just a roleplay).

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I'd want to keep you all to myself" is something a single guy would say who doesn't understand how great a relationship can get to when it's at a level that couples can share their bodies with other people and still keep their hearts with their partner.

It's, and pardon my French, fucking beautiful to have a relationship where I can be present while my wife can be snogging my cock while she is cumming on someone else's cock (as was the case on Thursday night) and later know full well that (to use an outdated terminology but is mutual in our case) she is 'all mine'.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Husbands need to give approval otherwise it's cheating. It all depends how deep you wish to look I guess but certainly with hot wives they are a lot more empowered than in wife sharing.

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By *bbandflowCouple
over a year ago

South Devon


"So I get contacted by a fair amount of guys asking if my 'hubby' really lets me out to play. And that if I was 'theirs' they would 'keep me' all to themselves and not 'share' me around.

I also see that the bisexual chat room on here is always full of guys looking for 'hotwife' chat or 'wife share' chat.

The hotwife and wife share concepts seem to be pretty common in the swinging world. Or at least on this website.

But am I the only person who is a little uncomfortable with these concepts? They seem kind of outdated and... 70s.

It's just, the terms seem to me to convey ideas of really quite sexist ownership. From a time when women were regarded still as subservient and property of their 'hubby'. And use of the words seem to suggest to me that the guy saying it might believe that women shouldn't normally be allowed to be promiscuous or explore their sexual desire. And in the case when they ask me if my husband really lets me out to play - that I wouldn't be here without my imaginary husbands permission.

Does anyone else find this kind of discussion about hotwives and wife share an utter turn off? Perhaps I'm the only person that finds it a little misogynistic and antiquated. It just seems, to me, like the people who use these terms don't really seem to respect women in general. Which doesn't seem very compatible with a progressive and sexually liberated lifestyle."

It would be odd if misogyny wasn't alive and kicking in the swinging world, it certainly is in 'vanilla'society. However it's apparent that role play is a significant sexual stimulant for many swingers, and consequently some of the terminology used serves to enhance their sexual experience, but doesn't reflect their gender attitudes in 'normal' life.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Husbands need to give approval otherwise it's cheating. It all depends how deep you wish to look I guess but certainly with hot wives they are a lot more empowered than in wife sharing."

No, they don't need to give 'approval' if you choose not to have that aspect in your relationship.

I am not married, but I am in several long-term relationships. I don't have to get their 'approval' for anything I do because that's not how our relationship is structured.

To have to ask a man's permission to do anything in my personal life would seem crazy to me. But I appreciate that not everyone lives the same lifestyle.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's pretty old fashioned yeah, i'm guessing most people have been brought up by parents who were faithful (or split up if they weren't) and the guy ran everything?

I'm lucky that most people just ask about my boyfriend to make sure he isn't gonna randomly turn up to a meet, they never ask his permission or anything, coz he's not on here i'm guessing.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I gave my approval for Ginger to have sex with others she didn't need to seek my permission. At the start before we had the relationship we have now I 'shared' her with other men but didn't mean I had control over who she had sex with or was my possesion. Then again sounds like we're in a completely different type of relationship to you as know you've talked about poly-relationships before. The language is what's outdated as only in controlling, possesive relationship would a husband/boyfriend consider their partner to be their possession.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I just think that sometimes people use terminology without really thinking about what they're saying and what it implies. Traditional relationships tend to be rooted in possession and so the language used reflects that, likewise, open relationships use different terminology, reflecting the openness.

As I mainly meet women, I'm used to seeing that she has permission from her husband to play alone, but there are also many profile where he has permission to play alone too. As you struggle for another word for 'my partner' then perhaps others struggle to articulate another word for permission, which for me, just means they've communicated with each other.

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By *LCCCouple
over a year ago

Cambridge

The hotwife / cuckold dynamic is not in itself misogynistic, but I hate the "if you were mine I wouldn't share you" brigade, they simply don't get it, and I don't want to be around people who don't get it. To me, they might as well be saying "if you were mine I wouldn't give you the freedom to enjoy yourself"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Labels of any kind can be so limiting but unfortunately are necessary to a point when wishing to refer to certain activities in shorthand...ie adverts/profiles etc.

I have a dislike for them personally because I don't fit into any of the ' so called ' normal pigeon holes and neither do any of the couples I have played with.

As for the Ops comments about possessive language, I totally agree but also see that 'my' is a common term that is rarely used with any possessive malice.....and as has been said, there is no real, quick and easily recognised alternative that doesn't require further quantification.

Referencing the OPs Original problem of unsolicited messages stating that they wouldn't share her.....ignorant attempts to woo and show a failing in the understanding of the dynamic.

Smile, shake head and read the next message.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"The hotwife / cuckold dynamic is not in itself misogynistic, but I hate the "if you were mine I wouldn't share you" brigade, they simply don't get it, and I don't want to be around people who don't get it. To me, they might as well be saying "if you were mine I wouldn't give you the freedom to enjoy yourself""

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By *elvet RopeMan
over a year ago

by the big field

Isn't it a little misandric to only discuss the terms Hotwife or Wife Swapping- but ignore the term Cuckold?

Such inequality and double standards!

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By *ovely CummingsWoman
over a year ago

Peaky Nipples


"So I get contacted by a fair amount of guys asking if my 'hubby' really lets me out to play. And that if I was 'theirs' they would 'keep me' all to themselves and not 'share' me around.

I also see that the bisexual chat room on here is always full of guys looking for 'hotwife' chat or 'wife share' chat.

The hotwife and wife share concepts seem to be pretty common in the swinging world. Or at least on this website.

But am I the only person who is a little uncomfortable with these concepts? They seem kind of outdated and... 70s.

It's just, the terms seem to me to convey ideas of really quite sexist ownership. From a time when women were regarded still as subservient and property of their 'hubby'. And use of the words seem to suggest to me that the guy saying it might believe that women shouldn't normally be allowed to be promiscuous or explore their sexual desire. And in the case when they ask me if my husband really lets me out to play - that I wouldn't be here without my imaginary husbands permission.

Does anyone else find this kind of discussion about hotwives and wife share an utter turn off? Perhaps I'm the only person that finds it a little misogynistic and antiquated. It just seems, to me, like the people who use these terms don't really seem to respect women in general. Which doesn't seem very compatible with a progressive and sexually liberated lifestyle."

I know where you are coming from I think and agree

I find many don't put weight into the choice of their words, while many of us do, so there is then a n almost clash of terminology if not actual ideology

I have the knowledge and consent from my hubby to meet others without him, as he does from me.

For me, this is different to 'having permission ', because like you I see that wording as implied ownership

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Isn't it a little misandric to only discuss the terms Hotwife or Wife Swapping- but ignore the term Cuckold?

Such inequality and double standards! "

Not really. It's a completely different concept. In a cuckhold or cuckquean situation they're not being 'shared' with someones 'permission'.

I'd be interested in disucssing the misogynistic or misandric ideas that could be drawn from those lifestyles in another thread through.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"So I get contacted by a fair amount of guys asking if my 'hubby' really lets me out to play. And that if I was 'theirs' they would 'keep me' all to themselves and not 'share' me around.

I also see that the bisexual chat room on here is always full of guys looking for 'hotwife' chat or 'wife share' chat.

The hotwife and wife share concepts seem to be pretty common in the swinging world. Or at least on this website.

But am I the only person who is a little uncomfortable with these concepts? They seem kind of outdated and... 70s.

It's just, the terms seem to me to convey ideas of really quite sexist ownership. From a time when women were regarded still as subservient and property of their 'hubby'. And use of the words seem to suggest to me that the guy saying it might believe that women shouldn't normally be allowed to be promiscuous or explore their sexual desire. And in the case when they ask me if my husband really lets me out to play - that I wouldn't be here without my imaginary husbands permission.

Does anyone else find this kind of discussion about hotwives and wife share an utter turn off? Perhaps I'm the only person that finds it a little misogynistic and antiquated. It just seems, to me, like the people who use these terms don't really seem to respect women in general. Which doesn't seem very compatible with a progressive and sexually liberated lifestyle.

I know where you are coming from I think and agree

I find many don't put weight into the choice of their words, while many of us do, so there is then a n almost clash of terminology if not actual ideology

I have the knowledge and consent from my hubby to meet others without him, as he does from me.

For me, this is different to 'having permission ', because like you I see that wording as implied ownership

"

I think perhaps you're right. Consent is a much happier word for me, and describes that I do quite accurately.

I don't know. I just feel sometimes like the guys on here can often be a bit like the guys that come up to you in a pub, chat you up, and then say 'oh, I didn't know you were with him' when you introduce one of your male friends. As if the guy you introduce has ownership over you and you can't make your own mind up.

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By *ovely CummingsWoman
over a year ago

Peaky Nipples


"

I think perhaps you're right. Consent is a much happier word for me, and describes that I do quite accurately.

I don't know. I just feel sometimes like the guys on here can often be a bit like the guys that come up to you in a pub, chat you up, and then say 'oh, I didn't know you were with him' when you introduce one of your male friends. As if the guy you introduce has ownership over you and you can't make your own mind up."

I think that's because they are the very same guys lol

I like to think on here is a small mixing pot of all the different types of folks that like sex, some are more liberated, open and forward thinking in their approach to both sex and life than others.

It is often a little like panning for gold on here, the more patience you have though it is possible to find those that think and want similar to yourself

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"

I think perhaps you're right. Consent is a much happier word for me, and describes that I do quite accurately.

I don't know. I just feel sometimes like the guys on here can often be a bit like the guys that come up to you in a pub, chat you up, and then say 'oh, I didn't know you were with him' when you introduce one of your male friends. As if the guy you introduce has ownership over you and you can't make your own mind up.

I think that's because they are the very same guys lol

I like to think on here is a small mixing pot of all the different types of folks that like sex, some are more liberated, open and forward thinking in their approach to both sex and life than others.

It is often a little like panning for gold on here, the more patience you have though it is possible to find those that think and want similar to yourself "

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By *arry247Couple
over a year ago

Wakefield


"

I don't 'share' my partners. They are their own people who make their own decisions about who they want to sleep with. It's a different world view I guess. Sometimes I share experiences with them and other people, but I never share 'them'."

That all depends on what definition you put on the word share.

Are you really saying you never celebrate the fact your partners are enjoying themselves with others?

You seem to taking the definition that a person who is shared has a duty or obligation to go with a third party rather than the definition that a husband or wife use or enjoy their partner with another or others.

Rather than examining the semantics of the words I would suggest you take a wider view and look at the sentiments behind the phrase

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"

I don't 'share' my partners. They are their own people who make their own decisions about who they want to sleep with. It's a different world view I guess. Sometimes I share experiences with them and other people, but I never share 'them'.

That all depends on what definition you put on the word share.

Are you really saying you never celebrate the fact your partners are enjoying themselves with others?

You seem to taking the definition that a person who is shared has a duty or obligation to go with a third party rather than the definition that a husband or wife use or enjoy their partner with another or others.

Rather than examining the semantics of the words I would suggest you take a wider view and look at the sentiments behind the phrase

"

If you are sharing something then it suggests that you have possession of it. If you don't have posession of an item then it's not yours to share.

I just don't feel that way about my partners. I don't share them. They're not mine to share.

I celebrate the fact that my partners are enjoying themselves with others - it's called compersion. Compersion is when you derive joy from your partners happiness (primarily used in a sexual/relationship sense). But my partners don't share me, and I don't share them. We don't have ownership of each other and we don't posses each other.

And I enjoy semantics - thanks. My education and future career is basically based around semantics. I find the use of words interesting. I enjoy discussing these things. Clearly you don't enjoy considering and discussing semantics, so perhaps it would make more sense for you just to stop joining in on this thread, rather than suggesting that others shouldn't do so.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

As a thought......if a term is used incorrectly by the masses and is continued to be used incorrectly, does it not then evolve to take on its new popularised meaning. Languages are ever-changing and fluent over time.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How about if we buy a cake and share it. Not one of us has ownership but we are still sharing.

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By *arry247Couple
over a year ago

Wakefield


"

If you are sharing something then it suggests that you have possession of it. If you don't have posession of an item then it's not yours to share."

Sorry but that is wrong, the word share has many different meanings and you are limiting the meaning to only one narrow definition.


"I just don't feel that way about my partners. I don't share them. They're not mine to share."

All the contributors to this thread are sharing the thread but none of us own the thread.


"I celebrate the fact that my partners are enjoying themselves with others - it's called compersion. Compersion is when you derive joy from your partners happiness (primarily used in a sexual/relationship sense). But my partners don't share me, and I don't share them. We don't have ownership of each other and we don't posses each other.

And I enjoy semantics - thanks. My education and future career is basically based around semantics. I find the use of words interesting. I enjoy discussing these things. Clearly you don't enjoy considering and discussing semantics, so perhaps it would make more sense for you just to stop joining in on this thread, rather than suggesting that others shouldn't do so."

I do enjoy considering and discussing semantics but I do not limit myself to a narrow-minded view of a subject preferring to examine the minutia broad concepts.

If you enjoy semantics then you will understand looking at all possible meanings rather than limiting your views to one meaning and misunderstanding the wider implications.

Share can be possesive but it is not always so for example hundreds of people were at Stonehenge sharing the summer solstice but none of them owned the solstice.

They also shared an experience but none of them owned the experience.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Someone i know said he fantasized about seeing his wife with another man. Eventually he asked if id be interested. When i said ok,he bottled it. Sums it up. Not sure if he ok'd it with her !!

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By *oby BestMan
over a year ago

the shires

Fascinating conceptual thinking - often inhibited by language - and the way others interpreted what we say. Words only convey 7% of the meaning of what we say - I need to consider my reply carefully

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Thanks _arry247, that was what I was getting at but was being lazy in my explanation...for me and my husband it's very much a shared experience and yes he does have a say in who I meet because it is a shared experience and his enjoyment is as important as mine. Not because he owns me.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"

If you are sharing something then it suggests that you have possession of it. If you don't have posession of an item then it's not yours to share.

Sorry but that is wrong, the word share has many different meanings and you are limiting the meaning to only one narrow definition.

I just don't feel that way about my partners. I don't share them. They're not mine to share.

All the contributors to this thread are sharing the thread but none of us own the thread.

I celebrate the fact that my partners are enjoying themselves with others - it's called compersion. Compersion is when you derive joy from your partners happiness (primarily used in a sexual/relationship sense). But my partners don't share me, and I don't share them. We don't have ownership of each other and we don't posses each other.

And I enjoy semantics - thanks. My education and future career is basically based around semantics. I find the use of words interesting. I enjoy discussing these things. Clearly you don't enjoy considering and discussing semantics, so perhaps it would make more sense for you just to stop joining in on this thread, rather than suggesting that others shouldn't do so.

I do enjoy considering and discussing semantics but I do not limit myself to a narrow-minded view of a subject preferring to examine the minutia broad concepts.

If you enjoy semantics then you will understand looking at all possible meanings rather than limiting your views to one meaning and misunderstanding the wider implications.

Share can be possesive but it is not always so for example hundreds of people were at Stonehenge sharing the summer solstice but none of them owned the solstice.

They also shared an experience but none of them owned the experience.

"

Absolutely!

You can share an experience without taking posession of it.

But that is different to sharing something in a posessive sense - which appears to be the way that most people seem to mean the word.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Oooph im staying out of this one !!

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By *LCCCouple
over a year ago

Cambridge


"Fascinating conceptual thinking - often inhibited by language - and the way others interpreted what we say. Words only convey 7% of the meaning of what we say - I need to consider my reply carefully "

OK, type your response in Japanese, I'm sure we'll still get 93% of what you meant

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By *aveandkate35Couple
over a year ago

telford

Hi Op,

I do see where you're coming from, but I think it's more because the "lifestyle" is a bit of a rounded peg trying to fit into a historically rigid and squared hole.

Most people are brought up where it's socially and financially more accepted to be in a monogamous relationship. And like so many things (and we 're all guilty if this at some level!) accept them without question and because of our upbringing believe them to be correct.

However, with things as base as sexuality these moulds don't fit everyone and as such we ultimately either live with it or not. I'll happily admit even when I got married, the thought of not being in a monogamous relationship didn't even enter my mind.

Ironically it's the love and openness I've found with "my" wife which has been the catalyst for having sex with other people. Trying to explain that to someone, even myself 10 years ago, is tricky at best.

Hence why, and we've had it too in the swinging scene, you get people coming out with lines like "I'd never let my missus do that!" Or "i prefer to meet her alone as I'm not comfortable with another guy there. " it's all because they don't "get" the dynamic.

Yes, I do find it disrespectful because you can tell that they usually think the reason you wife wants sex with other people is because she's not getting it or getting it good at home, which again is completely the opposite of the reality.

A lot of single guys on here are here because they've heard about it off someone else or decided to google swinging while having a wank.

Those that get it do very well in here, those that don't... Well, those'll be the ones sending you annoying messages.

Cheers

D

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By *UNKIEMan
over a year ago

south east


"I would say marriage is ownership, you own each other, and yes I let Mrs l play, without my permission she wouldn't be doing anything, exactly the same way she lets me play, if either of us say no its a no, so yes we both own and have a say over each other,"

This oops should really be answering this from our cpls profile

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By *uzy444Woman
over a year ago

in the suffolk countryside

thank you OP for opening up a topic about terminology within the community. in my few short weeks on this site, i have learnt that people and their interrelations..as i like to call them are all unique, although based on the sovereign beings' of multiple participants.

i like to assume im a sovereign being, i choose what that constitutes. no one owns or shares or is part of 'me'.

i do believe times are changing and labels are becoming less valuable, because they group together a whole bunch of associations, that may or may not be relevant to the subjective perception of those, using the words, or those receiving them.

i feel they are still used, primarily for ease in society, which is imo paradoxical as we dont fit the societies conformist pattern anyway, at least in this aspect of our lives...

as things change, i feel they really are changing...just look at the number of people here on FAB, i see terminology changing and i feel that can only be a good thing...greater communication about the individual situation, may breed a new generation of honesty and openness..in expression, in this and in other arenas

suppression of this expression, has been rife for centuries and yes the terminology upholds some of that outdated (imo)genre

i already feel the people on here are 'movers and shakers' in society, through their own exploration of their and other peoples freedoms to be and express..i feel the terminology and even the questioning of it..is really healthy..thank you so much for the opportunity to discuss such things..i appreciate you x

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By *oBananas78Couple
over a year ago

London

For us it's more a joint decision if we play that way, it has to be a turn on for both.

Would only use the term 'letting her' in a playful way and like others have mentioned we do not consider single guys who say 'if you were mine I wouldn't let you play with another' as swingers at all just desperate single makes wgo can't get laid.

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By *elvet RopeMan
over a year ago

by the big field


"Isn't it a little misandric to only discuss the terms Hotwife or Wife Swapping- but ignore the term Cuckold?

Such inequality and double standards!

Not really. It's a completely different concept. In a cuckhold or cuckquean situation they're not being 'shared' with someones 'permission'.

I'd be interested in disucssing the misogynistic or misandric ideas that could be drawn from those lifestyles in another thread through."

I'm in a mischievous mood today, hence the

but I shall have a minor serious moment and say that like many of the answers to questions such as 'what is the correct way to Dom/sub' 'what is better big/small cock/breasts' etc- there are many answers- i know someone who loves being referred to as the 'hotwife' and loves the thought that she gets 'loaned out', so i'd argue that the terms aren't so much misogynist, its more the attitude of some of the people interested in it- best of luck trying to change that

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By *ristol_MTB_cplCouple
over a year ago

Bristol

You also gave to consider that for many people (us included) the dynamics of the sexual relationship are different to the more general sense. In the bedroom I am the boss, she does what I tell her (because that's what she wants) but for real life, we are a balanced partnership. Thus means there can be fantasies of ownership, permission and sharing which do not impact the whole relationship.

You also need to consider the different levels of polyamory, we choose to share each other sexual, but we only have the loving relationship with each other.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"You also gave to consider that for many people (us included) the dynamics of the sexual relationship are different to the more general sense. In the bedroom I am the boss, she does what I tell her (because that's what she wants) but for real life, we are a balanced partnership. Thus means there can be fantasies of ownership, permission and sharing which do not impact the whole relationship.

You also need to consider the different levels of polyamory, we choose to share each other sexual, but we only have the loving relationship with each other. "

I do indeed consider those things - being in a master/slave and other BDSM relationships myself.

There is a difference though between that and what I'm musing about in my opening post though.

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By *ristol_MTB_cplCouple
over a year ago

Bristol


"

There is a difference though between that and what I'm musing about in my opening post though. "

Is there? People choose a dynamic that satisfies their own desires. If a couple get their kicks from role-playing in this fashion. I agree to an outsider these choices may look like symptoms of misogyny, but you can't assume.

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By *awandOrderCouple
over a year ago

SW London

There is a lot of misogyny in the swinging world, some overt, some covert. This can range from, on the appearance of our couple profile, despite both of our single profiles saying we met alone, mine being made into a couple one. Now thankfully back to a single one, as I do meet alone, despite being in a couple, I do still have my own mind. His remained untouched. Implication? Leave that one to you. At a club, if I am with my partner, men ask him if they can play with me .... no, wrong, I decide, not him. He respects that. The dynamic of our relationship is that I decide who he plays with because that is a turn on for him. And me. I do get irate if someone asks him about playing with me .... because I am my own person. Most often times, even when we are out together, we play separately, even though in close proximity, or we play together. This attitude, assuming men make the decisions, needs to be challenged, in my humble opinion ...okay if you like the dynamic, but not everyone does. On a side issue, interestingly I find it much harder to play with other black guys when he is around as, despite him having no issues with it, actually liking it, many younger black guys don't want to tread on his toes. This is something we have experienced .... not everyone I am sure, but another cultural phenomenon?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why do people assume its a possession thing when someone doesn't want their partner to sleep with other people. Most people wouldn't be comfortable with their partner sleeping with other people, so they don't as not to upset them.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just a couple of thoughts - as a guy I find the 'hotwife' idea, well, hot quite frankly, mainly because it represents to me a powerful, liberated kind of female sexuality, but quite possibly linked to more purile fantasies of promiscuius, probably older women. I do however recognise that there is an implication in there that a plain old 'wife' isn't hot, that sexuality and being a wife are so incompatible in the normal run of things that you need a special term for wives who are overtly sexual. That is undoubtedly a hangover of patriarchal, chauvanistic attitudes to how married women should behave - demure, obedient, sexless to all but their husbands.

On the idea of sharing - C and I take a great deal of comfort in sharing our lives and experiences, including sexual ones. Im sure many couples feel the same. However, I admit there are times when my own exploration of fantasies becomes a little transactional between me and other guys - we talk about our gfs, our fantasies about them, 'share' pics etc. C says she is entirely comfortable with this, but it is a bit boys club and the language many guys use (myself included at times) treats the women involved as possessions - i'd love a turn on yours etc etc.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Just a couple of thoughts - as a guy I find the 'hotwife' idea, well, hot quite frankly, mainly because it represents to me a powerful, liberated kind of female sexuality, but quite possibly linked to more purile fantasies of promiscuius, probably older women. I do however recognise that there is an implication in there that a plain old 'wife' isn't hot, that sexuality and being a wife are so incompatible in the normal run of things that you need a special term for wives who are overtly sexual. That is undoubtedly a hangover of patriarchal, chauvanistic attitudes to how married women should behave - demure, obedient, sexless to all but their husbands.

On the idea of sharing - C and I take a great deal of comfort in sharing our lives and experiences, including sexual ones. Im sure many couples feel the same. However, I admit there are times when my own exploration of fantasies becomes a little transactional between me and other guys - we talk about our gfs, our fantasies about them, 'share' pics etc. C says she is entirely comfortable with this, but it is a bit boys club and the language many guys use (myself included at times) treats the women involved as possessions - i'd love a turn on yours etc etc."

Thanks for your thoughts. Really interesting and food for thought.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Why do people assume its a possession thing when someone doesn't want their partner to sleep with other people. Most people wouldn't be comfortable with their partner sleeping with other people, so they don't as not to upset them."

Because this is a swinging site. And my profile is a singles profile. Yet people still ask me if 'hubby' is ok with me sleeping with other people.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"So I get contacted by a fair amount of guys asking if my 'hubby' really lets me out to play. And that if I was 'theirs' they would 'keep me' all to themselves and not 'share' me around.

I also see that the bisexual chat room on here is always full of guys looking for 'hotwife' chat or 'wife share' chat.

The hotwife and wife share concepts seem to be pretty common in the swinging world. Or at least on this website.

But am I the only person who is a little uncomfortable with these concepts? They seem kind of outdated and... 70s.

It's just, the terms seem to me to convey ideas of really quite sexist ownership. From a time when women were regarded still as subservient and property of their 'hubby'. And use of the words seem to suggest to me that the guy saying it might believe that women shouldn't normally be allowed to be promiscuous or explore their sexual desire. And in the case when they ask me if my husband really lets me out to play - that I wouldn't be here without my imaginary husbands permission.

Does anyone else find this kind of discussion about hotwives and wife share an utter turn off? Perhaps I'm the only person that finds it a little misogynistic and antiquated. It just seems, to me, like the people who use these terms don't really seem to respect women in general. Which doesn't seem very compatible with a progressive and sexually liberated lifestyle."

I haven't got time to read the thread unfortunately but yes, I do find such talk a turn off and if we get messages that talk about sharing me or wife swapping I cringe. I'm not a bag of sweets to be passed round.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Just a couple of thoughts - as a guy I find the 'hotwife' idea, well, hot quite frankly, mainly because it represents to me a powerful, liberated kind of female sexuality, but quite possibly linked to more purile fantasies of promiscuius, probably older women. I do however recognise that there is an implication in there that a plain old 'wife' isn't hot, that sexuality and being a wife are so incompatible in the normal run of things that you need a special term for wives who are overtly sexual. That is undoubtedly a hangover of patriarchal, chauvanistic attitudes to how married women should behave - demure, obedient, sexless to all but their husbands.

On the idea of sharing - C and I take a great deal of comfort in sharing our lives and experiences, including sexual ones. Im sure many couples feel the same. However, I admit there are times when my own exploration of fantasies becomes a little transactional between me and other guys - we talk about our gfs, our fantasies about them, 'share' pics etc. C says she is entirely comfortable with this, but it is a bit boys club and the language many guys use (myself included at times) treats the women involved as possessions - i'd love a turn on yours etc etc.

Thanks for your thoughts. Really interesting and food for thought."

NP, love a good deep and meaningful before work on a morning!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 23/06/15 07:52:48]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Why do people assume its a possession thing when someone doesn't want their partner to sleep with other people. Most people wouldn't be comfortable with their partner sleeping with other people, so they don't as not to upset them.

Because this is a swinging site. And my profile is a singles profile. Yet people still ask me if 'hubby' is ok with me sleeping with other people."

I understand why it would annoy you people asking about your hubby as your profile clearly states what type of relationships you have. It was aimed at people in a more traditional husband/wife relationship. Alot in this type insist they don't have and don't need permission from their partner to play as they are not a possession. So if their partner decided that they no longer wanted to swing would they just carry on regardless off their feelings as they can do what ever they want?

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Why do people assume its a possession thing when someone doesn't want their partner to sleep with other people. Most people wouldn't be comfortable with their partner sleeping with other people, so they don't as not to upset them.

Because this is a swinging site. And my profile is a singles profile. Yet people still ask me if 'hubby' is ok with me sleeping with other people.

I understand why it would annoy you people asking about your hubby as your profile clearly states what type of relationships you have. It was aimed at people in a more traditional husband/wife relationship. Alot in this type insist they don't have and don't need permission from their partner to play as they are not a possession. So if their partner decided that they no longer wanted to swing would they just carry on regardless off their feelings as they can do what ever they want?"

It's perfectly possible to be married and still not consider your partner a possession. I have a partner whose wife decided she no longer wanted to have multiple partners and that she no longer wanted to swing with him or alone. No problem, she just doesn't sleep with other people anymore. He still does. Because why would you stop your partner doing something they enjoyed if you really liked them?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Why do people assume its a possession thing when someone doesn't want their partner to sleep with other people. Most people wouldn't be comfortable with their partner sleeping with other people, so they don't as not to upset them.

Because this is a swinging site. And my profile is a singles profile. Yet people still ask me if 'hubby' is ok with me sleeping with other people.

I understand why it would annoy you people asking about your hubby as your profile clearly states what type of relationships you have. It was aimed at people in a more traditional husband/wife relationship. Alot in this type insist they don't have and don't need permission from their partner to play as they are not a possession. So if their partner decided that they no longer wanted to swing would they just carry on regardless off their feelings as they can do what ever they want?

It's perfectly possible to be married and still not consider your partner a possession. I have a partner whose wife decided she no longer wanted to have multiple partners and that she no longer wanted to swing with him or alone. No problem, she just doesn't sleep with other people anymore. He still does. Because why would you stop your partner doing something they enjoyed if you really liked them?"

I wouldn't stop my partner doing something they enjoyed but if it was something i wasn't comfortable with them doing then i would hope that they would take my feelings into consideration. Its about respect not possession.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"

I wouldn't stop my partner doing something they enjoyed but if it was something i wasn't comfortable with them doing then i would hope that they would take my feelings into consideration. Its about respect not possession. "

This is what I meant. Every relationship has boundaries and no one is totally free to do what ever they want.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"

I wouldn't stop my partner doing something they enjoyed but if it was something i wasn't comfortable with them doing then i would hope that they would take my feelings into consideration. Its about respect not possession.

This is what I meant. Every relationship has boundaries and no one is totally free to do what ever they want."

Without being too meta - yes they can. I structure my relationships using a set of guidelines called relationship anarchy. I trust my partners to not deliberately hurt me, and they trust me not to deliberately hurt them. We trust each other to always put ourselves first and do what's best for ourselves.

If something that they do hurts me I assume that they are not trying to hurt me. Then I examine why it hurts, and then decide if I want to try and make it not hurt anymore (perhaps by working through the issues I might have) or decide that it hurts too much and therefore I don't want to be close to them anymore.

So we are in relationships with no boundaries and we are totally free to do whatever we want. The only thing that is set in stone is that we trust each other and that we are honest with each other.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was having a trail of thought yesterday after seeing a single guy post about the whole "hotwife servicing" kind of made me think that it makes the women seem like commodities they way it was put across.

Maybe it was just my interpretation of it but there didn't seem to be much respect, more about the guy watching getting off.

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By *arry247Couple
over a year ago

Wakefield


"

I wouldn't stop my partner doing something they enjoyed but if it was something i wasn't comfortable with them doing then i would hope that they would take my feelings into consideration. Its about respect not possession.

This is what I meant. Every relationship has boundaries and no one is totally free to do what ever they want.

Without being too meta - yes they can. I structure my relationships using a set of guidelines called relationship anarchy. I trust my partners to not deliberately hurt me, and they trust me not to deliberately hurt them. We trust each other to always put ourselves first and do what's best for ourselves.

If something that they do hurts me I assume that they are not trying to hurt me. Then I examine why it hurts, and then decide if I want to try and make it not hurt anymore (perhaps by working through the issues I might have) or decide that it hurts too much and therefore I don't want to be close to them anymore.

So we are in relationships with no boundaries and we are totally free to do whatever we want. The only thing that is set in stone is that we trust each other and that we are honest with each other."

That is very much how our marriage works, we are one.

I go into all her medical appointments and she comes into all of mine.

We aren’t individuals even though we are two bodies but one presence.

If B wants to meet someone but Garry has doubts about the meeting we talk and decide whether to meet or not. If Garry wants to meet someone and B has doubts about the meeting we talk and decide whether to meet or not.

Everything is a shared decision, but as we have been together 35 years we instinctively know and trust the other.

In our opinion the reason you perhaps do not like others using the word share is perhaps because being in a polyamorous relationship the dynamics between you and your partners are different from the relationship between us..

When you meet someone do you share yourself with them? If you kiss them are you sharing your lips with them? If they have sex with you do you share the pleasure with them?

Do you not think therefore that a husband can share the same sensations and wife feels with another man or a wife the same sensations a husband feels with another woman?

If not perhaps it harks back to the question you had about love on another thread.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Maybe the share thing is mainly from couples who were together for a long time before swinging. As for a long time they will of belonged to each other only so see going with other people as sharing. The people who got together knowing from the start that they will be swinging never had a 2 person sexual relationship with each other so don't have that mind set. Me and my partner were together 12 years before swinging and we call I sharing but don't see each other as possessions

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By *ancpl05Couple
over a year ago

Bridgend


"I would say marriage is ownership, you own each other, and yes I let Mrs l play, without my permission she wouldn't be doing anything, exactly the same way she lets me play, if either of us say no its a no, so yes we both own and have a say over each other,"

We would agree with this statement, it's not about controlling ownership but a commitment that means "allowing" is more about caring for the others feelings. Words don't always match their meanings and also bear in mind it's fun and role play is also part of that.

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