FabSwingers.com forum: Fair and reasonable punishment?

By *entcouple4550 OP Couple
over a year ago

canterbury

A couple of weeks ago we received a wink from a couple. We don't use winks ourselves but..hey! We looked at their profile and they seemed nice enough so I,(male in charge of admin), sent a message inviting them to chat. My message was read fairly quickly but no response was received...for several days although this couple clearly logged on at least once a day so....

I sent another message asking them if they had sent us the original wink by mistake, easily done, and were they in fact interested in chatting to us. Again this message was read very quickly but again no response.

Eventually I caught them online and sent a similar message to the second one asking if they would let us know if they were interested or not. This message was simply deleted whilst we were both still online!

I was furious at this lack of courstey and consideration. I sent a final, very snotty, message entitled 'Apologies' which went along the lines of......

'We are very sorry that we mistook you for reasonable, polite and considerate people rather than the f**cking ignorant chav c**ts that you clearly are' . I then blocked them.

A few days later I recived a message from Site Admin telling me that I had been reported for abuse and that I had been given a 'first and final' warning. A second offence would receive a life-time ban.

I asked Admin to re_iew the entire exchange and in fact to look back on all our exchanges which would show that we are consistantly polite and considerate and always respond to every polite enquiry even if it is only to say no thanks as we believe this to be basic good manners. So far Admin have not responded.

Am I justified in feeling hard done by or did I get what I really deserved?

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By *ugby 123Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

O o O oo

I would say you got what you deserved. Abuse is abuse, even if you thought you were provoked by people daring to not answer a mail.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A total overreaction on your part! One message sent, if that gets ignored then move on, no point in getting angry about it at all.

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By *eizvollWoman
over a year ago

in my own little world :-)

There may be a number of reasons they hadn't replied! The fact that you then decided to be abusive seems very unfair and I'm not surprised you were reported.

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By (user no longer on site)
Forum Mod
over a year ago

All of that from a wink

I think you got what you deserved too

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I know where you are coming from with this. It's happened to us a few times, and I've felt like responding just as you did.

But I thought, no, fuck 'em, and just moved on.

We had a note from a couple and we responded back and asked if they wanted to meet. They didn't respond, so I wrote again just as you did, and again, no reply.

We went to a party and who should be there, but the very couple who ignored us. Childish I know, but I got a lot of

satisfaction telling them no thanks when they approached us to try to get to know us.

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By *iewMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Angus & Findhorn

the words you used to them beggars belief if I am honest..

albeit rude of them not to respond to your messages but that certainly doesn't merit that outburst.

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By *entcouple4550 OP Couple
over a year ago

canterbury

Just off on school run....will check back later and respond. Ta to all who have contributed so far.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm in total agreement with the others!

Someone dared not to answer you in a timely manner after your pushy approach and you respond with abuse?!!

Well done to Admin for acting so pronptly!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I completely agree with the rest of the comments, to not respond is a personal choice to which everyone has a right, wink or not. I think admin acted in the appropriate way and would hope this will be a lesson to you.

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By *ushroom7Man
over a year ago

Bradford

The very fact that you have started a thread about it, and publishing what is clearly an unjustified abusive message shows your contempt for people.

A candidate for everyone's block list?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I never really look at the winks as i think thay could spend the time and mail, I have loads winks too xx jo

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

They obviously did not want to meet you,and to be honest you seen quite pushy by sending several emails after they didnt reply to the first message!

I also think the abuse you sent them was uncalled for and really dont think you should have posted this thread on here as the chances are the couple in question will see this.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I'm in total agreement with the others!

Someone dared not to answer you in a timely manner after your pushy approach and you respond with abuse?!!

Well done to Admin for acting so pronptly! "

Ditto

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By *imnher2Woman
over a year ago

watford

"A couple of weeks ago we received a wink from a couple. We don't use winks ourselves but..hey! We looked at their profile and they seemed nice enough so I,(male in charge of admin), sent a message inviting them to chat. My message was read fairly quickly but no response was received...for several days although this couple clearly logged on at least once a day so....

I was furious at this lack of courstey and consideration. I sent a final, very snotty, message entitled 'Apologies' which went along the lines of......

'We are very sorry that we mistook you for reasonable, polite and considerate people rather than the f**cking ignorant chav c**ts that you clearly are' . I then blocked them.

Am I justified in feeling hard done by or did I get what I really deserved?"

in total agreement with every 1 on here.. to send any1 that kind of abuse is uncalled for.. so u yes admin done the right thing

maybe one part of the couple liked your profile but the other did not. it does happen.. its called a choice

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By *woBiTwoCouple
over a year ago

north manchester

Bloody hell, I wouldn't want to REALLY piss you off!

Seriously though, if the reactions of the respondents above are anything to go by, you may have realised that most reasonable folk would think you over-reacted. Just delete and move on next time, it'll be better for your blood pressure.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I would never be rude sending mail telling them off one of the couple may have like the look of you and other may think your not for them... and know nothing about sending you a wink . Just have to face it you get all sorts on sites like this and if people here all done that would be a nasty place to be. So far i see fab mods being fair. And you should have been told of for it.No need to be nasty words can cut like knifes and hurt. x jo

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By *umangiCouple
over a year ago

st.austell

Maybe you should consider letting your partner take over messaging duties.

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By *ezebelWoman
over a year ago

North of The Wall - youll need your vest

oooooo the evil-ness of winks

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Got what you deserved!!!

NEXT!!!!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm a firm beleiver in not burnings ones bridges... clearly you felt miffed but as has been said it's a persons perogative not to reply althought I know it's not really polite.

Someone I know was let-go by his company and he did'nt kick up a fuss - He then set up his own Co and had lots of business from his old Co - Clearly he could have burned a lucrative bridge.

Live and learn - put it down to experience and move on

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

We've all suffered from lack of response & in my own experiences with financial outlay to the cost of hotels etc but as an adult & hopefully respectful person lashing out verbally or otherwise doesn't solve anything. Ok moan about it on here if it helps but to be fair admin have acted appropriately & I'm sure you'll think twice now before venting such anger. Take a chill & hopefully you can move on to the next winker!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yeah it happens, but you completly overeacted so yes you deserved the warning

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By *amissCouple
over a year ago

chelmsford

Think you may have alienated a few people on here! I agree with all of the above. There are all sorts of people on here with different concepts about 'winking' etc. Don't know why you would bother to waste your time, just move on and be dignified in your approach to people.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Should just count yourself lucky, the fair and reasonable punishment would have been to ban you without any warning

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By *entcouple4550 OP Couple
over a year ago

canterbury

OK.........

Firstly I have now a received a reply from Admin and they have re-iterated that I have been warned for 'abuse' as is the site policy and I fully understand and accept that they can't sit in judgement on disputes but they do have an obligation to keep language within acceptable limits.

Well I asked for people's opinion and I certainly got it....overwhelmingly in favour of Admin's actions in this matter. On reflection, and having read the contributions to this post, I now completely accept that the warning was justified. There is no excuse for the language I used. Had I held my anger in check and sent exactly the same message excluding the expletives we would not be discussing this at all. Essentially I have been punished, quite rightly, for losing my temper.

On a broader note, and again in response to some of the comments made by contributors to this post, I believe that it is incumbent on all of us to respond to all genuine and polite enquiries received on this site. If it is appropriate a simple 'no thanks' message takes seconds to send and is basic good manners.

I believe that the two fundamental elements that underpin good manners are respect and consideration. Ergo if people are ill-mannered, as the couple involved in this incident clearly were, then they are acting in a disrespectful and inconsiderate fashion. If I am being 'pushy' simply because I expect to be treated with respect and consideration then so be it.Pushy I shall remain.

I should like to thank everybody who took the time to respond to this post.

Cheers!

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By *b430Man
over a year ago

Tayside

It isn't bad manners not to reply to any message or wink received on here!

Do you reply to all the unsolicited mail that is put through your letterbox? I think not, why would you reply to something you are not interested in!

They were not interested in you, get over it and move on!

It's people own choice to reply to who they want to, when they want to, it isn't that difficult to work out!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When i get mail or winks i respond to them

If there is no response back from that mail i forget about it simples

There are plenty more polite fish in the swinging sea

I would never however swear seriously in an e mail

And i would never let anyone get me too that point either xx

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By *ugby 123Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

O o O oo

Cheers!"

Let's hope you showing how pushy you are and are going to carry on being, doesn't put off any people off.

Me, I can't stand pushy people, and although we do like to answer all mails we recieve,there are times when we don't answer straight away and a pushy person wouldn't get anywhere in our mailbox.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"It isn't bad manners not to reply to any message or wink received on here!

Do you reply to all the unsolicited mail that is put through your letterbox? I think not, why would you reply to something you are not interested in!

They were not interested in you, get over it and move on!

It's people own choice to reply to who they want to, when they want to, it isn't that difficult to work out!

Couldn't agree more!

I loathe pushy, arrogant people who bombard you with mail and expect a response!

My profile clearly states I don't respond if outside my criteria. The first sentence of my profile now reads not meeting due to ill health until December, yet every day I get several messages asking to meet!

Does the OP think these people deserve a message?!!

I...don't...think...so!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

f**cking ignorant chav c**ts

nice.

you were lucky to only get a warning imo

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

you clearly dont get alot of interest to your profile otherwise you would not mail someone 3 times for sending you a wink ....

bet they wish they hadnt hit that button now

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think if you had hassled us that much we would have ignored you, and your last mail to them was bang out of order, would you have spoken to someone in a club the same way????

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By *abioMan
over a year ago

Newcastle and Gateshead

" would you have spoken to someone in a club the same way????"

............. and i think that this is the key and something that you really need to consider and change some of that attitude!... if you had spoken like that to someone in a club then all hell would have broken loose....

in the end it is suppose to be fun and not taken too seriously, and to be honest if people don't rejection well then this activity will end up destroying you....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"OK.........

Well done for accepting the criticism and not being defensive about it!

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By *ensual temptressWoman
over a year ago

Southampton

sorry but im just picking myself off floor with laughing so much at this !

no one owes you anything on the site be it a thanks but no thanks or a longer message ! i can tell you from alot of exsperience that that often sending a rejection just opens a cans of worms and the other person being abusive because you had the gall to turn em down !! why even open yourself up for that hassle ,just delete and move on !! the fact you blasted THEM for having no mannors for not replying im afraid is a joke after your behaviour !!fair play you now admitted wasntbest way to handle it.however,its taken a warning , you posting your outrage in the forum and all th replies pointing out you were totally out of line before you saw the light .too lil too late im afraid , you are hardly on the moral high ground to blast others about mannors .plus under the frequently asked questions about the site it cover exactly ur gripe about ppl not responding to ur message ..... they arent obliged to do anything lol !! so im bewildered why you still think you would still be justfied to send the same message with out the swearing??? if people dont mail you back they ARENT intersted ..MOVE ON ..SIMPLES !!

people pick up on vibes and seems like the cpl had second thoughts about yous ...after your over reaction and attitude youve proved their decision spot on and theyve had lucky escape !!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It makes me laugh that you said you accepted admins punishment but still tried to justify that your actions were right and that everybody should say yes or no to your mail.

Just accept what has happened and stop alienating yourself further. Otherwise people will not want to make any contact with you and you will be the ones missing out.

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By *ngland1966Man
over a year ago

medway

I like the way you said you caught them online!!!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

at the over-reaction, and I am not surprised that Admin has taken such action.

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By *ichNjudyCouple
over a year ago

stoke on trent

" would you have spoken to someone in a club the same way????

............. and i think that this is the key "

We agree the OP was rather unjustified in their response to these winkers and to be honest deserved what they got IOHO

However we also think the people who winked and then wouldn't even respond to the initial polite messages are most definitely being rude

As someone said 'Would you have spoken in a club to someone what way'?

Well in totally honesty we think most everyone would say 'of course not'

Now let's ask if you think it is acceptable to behave like these 'winkers' just did.

So you would just turn your back and ignore someone who come and speaks to you at a club after you just winked them to get their attention?' That's OK yes?

Or maybe even - Someone comes up and speaks to you unsolicited - maybe even suggests something you are not interested, assumedly you raise your chin, turn your back and walk away.

And why not - because you are not being rude - no one in a club is obliged to do anything!

Or you could put a sign around your neck saying 'no single men, no beards, no ethnics, no whatever' as you do on profile and then simply turn your back on anyone falling into those groups as you would be quite justified in doing so? After all they don't fit the criteria so it ain't rude is it? Why even bother '

At what point do you simply turn your back on the one approaching you in a club, and ignore them?

That's like the site FAQ says - no one here is obliged to do anything - so it must be OK

Heavens are we glad we never met any of these people or site admin (if they really feel that way) in a club yet!

If you think it is rude to behave in a certain way in real life then it is a natural extension that it is rude to behave in that way online! Simples.

You are the same person sitting at the keyboard as you are in a club or down the post office so it would be hypocritical to assume it is OK to do things online that you would not do in person because you would then consider them rude yourself.

Unless of course you consider the other party to be 'less worthy of your respect' or 'less than human' because they are not sat in front of you

The same thing applies really to people in cars - they tend to see the other drivers as 'vehicles' and not as people.

Therefore they will barge in front, jump queues and a whole host of other things that they would never do in the queue at the post office to another *person* but would happily do to another *car*! If you sit in a traffic queue and watch others jumping the queue do you think that is rude or inconsiderate. Maybe you think 'f#ck it is you can't beat them join them' instead, pull out of line, dash down as far as you can, and barge back in again.

And that leads to the other big problem. So many people have persuaded themselves (or been brainwashed or battered into thinking) this sort of behaviour is perfectly fine on line or in a car, that they even try to justify acts that they would consider rude in real life as being OK online by saying 'but it is my choice to ignore people which I am entitled to'

Of course they are. They are entitled to be rude anytime they like and even to think it isn't rude nor to ask themselves the really searching questions like 'why do i treat online persons with less respect than I do physical persons'

Anyway the site rules say it's OK so it must be.

Now once a significant part of a society or community start to believe a particular activity is OK and even 'good', they then tend to dissociate it with any negative concepts that activity would normally be attached

There are for example a lot of greedy people in the world. Instead of thinking 'well i'm managing quite OK as I am thanks' no they have to be the biggest or best. So what if Tescos is the biggest UK supermarket? If they were the 2nd or even the 10th the owners would still be making plenty of money and be able to afford a nice lifestyle.

Now this of 'got to get all we can' attitude of course is 'avarice' or 'greed', and even our original social doctrine (whether you are religious or not doesn't matter) says this is a BAD thing. So the simple answer to the dilemma - let's call it 'capitalism' or 'globalisation' and then it's OK and we can be as greedy as we like with a clear conscience. Well we're sorry to say, dress it up as you like but they are just plain greedy.

We *do* think it is rude to treat people any other way than you would in person, but while enough people have convinced themselves it is OK not to treat others with a modicum of respect, or even been directed by owners of social networking sites that it is OK to behave this way, then let's face it noting we say will change anything

Please feel free to ignore our post if it does not fit your criteria of being worthy a reply lol wewon't abue you but we may find it rather rude

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By *ngieandMrManCouple
over a year ago

hereford

Bloody hell, I thought I could write a long post!!!

Personally I think people 'hide' behind the PC, its 'OK' to be rude because you can just hit the block button, or turn off the PC and thats an end to it and I don't think that will change until a PC comes with a 'punch in the nose' peripheral.

It would seem that people are rude online because they can be, because they can get away with it. Inversely it does encourage free speech, speaking ones mind and no red faces when you tell someone what you really want when it comes to sex.

Swing site management... some it seems assume more responsibility than others, which is 'right' who knows. There is another swinger site that seems to have automated things, three reports and you're out, so in theory the members have control. This was after the implosion of the forums and they had to shut them down completely, talk about letting go of the steering wheel!!!

While on FAB there is a heap of subs under the 'report' button but it seems few rules attached to them, so I wouldn't know what would happen if I reported someone as 'fake' for example, or 'incomplete profile'.

Personally I don't feel I need a baby sitter but I think its fair to say some do and given that then maybe website management should take some responsibility to protect the members. If I were to invite people to a firework show I would feel it my responsibility to protect them from getting burnt.

But I would agree, good manners should apply regardless of the medium of communication and to suggest otherwise I think is irresponsible.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"It makes me laugh that you said you accepted admins punishment but still tried to justify that your actions were right and that everybody should say yes or no to your mail.

Just accept what has happened and stop alienating yourself further. Otherwise people will not want to make any contact with you and you will be the ones missing out."

spot on. And maybe think about some anger management training as this will happen to everyone from time to time and there is really not point in wasting time and energy getting het up.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Perhaps they did wink you in error, perhaps because it was in error they didn't realise they had, your first mail therefore may have seemed like a follow up to a wink they hadn't responded to after you winked them back, perhaps they did wink you and then changed thier minds, yes a simple "our mistake sorry" would have been nice.

But you pestered them, got pushy about contact and then abusive, no wonder they reported you, I am surprised they didn't block you earlier, before you got abusive, I am surprised admin didn't ban you, whatever the reason there is no room on here for abusive people.

We have had abusive mails, timewasters and all sorts over our years on the site but we have never become abusive to them, that says more about you than it does about them.

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire

Flipping heck, all they did was not respond and you started being pushy, surely if they ignored your first message it was obvious they where not interested. To give abuse to someone who never said a word to you is totally uncalled for. Also i dont think you have done yourself any favours by posting this on the forums as people can now see what kind of people you are

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Perhaps they did wink you in error, perhaps because it was in error they didn't realise they had, your first mail therefore may have seemed like a follow up to a wink they hadn't responded to after you winked them back, perhaps they did wink you and then changed thier minds, yes a simple "our mistake sorry" would have been nice.

We have had abusive mails, timewasters and all sorts over our years on the site but we have never become abusive to them, that says more about you than it does about them.

*Nods in agreement*

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

sassy liked the end of that mail it say more about you then them .... so so true. its was well out of order them doing this.

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By *he_original_poloWoman
over a year ago

a Primark shoebox in Leicester

Can someone lend me an egg timer? I had no idea I needed to reply to the messages I have read within such a limited time span

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By *ugby 123Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

O o O oo

We had a mail over the weekend saying " sorry we didn't mean to wink you"

......maybe the person accidently sent the wink too and didn't even realise they had.

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By *he_original_poloWoman
over a year ago

a Primark shoebox in Leicester

May be they did intend to wink.

I open mail all the time and think "I'll come back to that later".

Sometimes I don't want to reply at that very moment.... I may be enjoying another conversation, working or just wanting to browse the forums for a bit.

I would have thought this also happens quite often with couples who like to make joint decisions... waiting until the other half gets home.

Whether they were interested in replying later or not... what is the point of sending not just one but two follow on messages stating the bleedin' obvious. If it was me and I had been interested but just not got around to replying yet.... I'd have been totally put off.

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By *ugby 123Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

O o O oo

"We had a mail over the weekend saying along the lines of sorry but we winked by accident

......maybe the person accidently sent the wink too and didn't even realise they had.

I might repost without the quotes as it wasn't exactly what it said.

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