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Crossing that emotional line and swinging

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

We are a very much in love couple who have fantasised about swinging or same room sex for a while.

What stops us from making the leap is the feeling of 'what if we regret it' or something changes between us after adding in a 3rd party.

We are both very open minded and love sex, swapping pics, skyping other couples.

Has anyone else had this fear? And what outcome?

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By *eovilcouple76Couple
over a year ago

yeovil

We had the exact same fears when we discussed trying this.

We eventually (after much talking) had our first proper meet last night with a single guy.

Nothing has changed between us at all apart from the fact we can't keep our hands off each other now.

There's no regrets or anything about what we did and we will be doing it again.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Okay so some advice from the "oldsters"

Yes a lot of couples that we have talked to were VERY cautious at first - and the more people care about their relationship the more cautious they are - so take that as a positive, because it IS an unknown.

#1. Just take it really slowly! We would suggest perhaps going to a club and decide in advance you are just going to enjoy the atmosphere. That gets you out there, talking to other couples, watching and testing the waters. You may decide in advance that you'll leave open the option to change your mind on play once there, but going with no play" in mind takes all the pressure off and you can just enjoy the evening.

#2. Don't ever, at this early stage in your journey agree to a play date without a social first. This eliminates the possibility that you'll drink too much and end up doing something that you WILL regret. Been there, done that, awful experience. which brings me to #3...

#3. Drink VERY sparingly on meets or at a club. We were given that advice early on and it has served us well. One drink - max two - to settle the nerves. Any more than that sets you up to find fuglies more attractive LOL

#4. Big key is communication - talk talk talk! That's why a social first is essential - you go home, dissect it, say what you did or didn't like about the other couple, good fit for both of you or not? All of this done in private without pressure to play.

#5. You also have to 100% respect each others opinions - when we get messages and face pics from couples (or singles) we BOTH have to be on board for a meet - one of you will be pickier than the other and that sets the bar. That HAS to be the bar for both of you. I reject about 95% of those that come in - that's my standard and there is no argument. It has to feel 100% for both of you, no one "takes one for the team" - that's a recipe for disaster.

#6. Get out there to a club or have a social sooner rather than later - remember, there is NO pressure to play, it's just a social but it'll get you guys into the scene and learning and talking.

Kay and Cee xx

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"We are a very much in love couple who have fantasised about swinging or same room sex for a while.

What stops us from making the leap is the feeling of 'what if we regret it' or something changes between us after adding in a 3rd party.

We are both very open minded and love sex, swapping pics, skyping other couples.

Has anyone else had this fear? And what outcome?"

Its a very natural fear and one which I imagine lots of people have, I know I did. We discussed it a lot and the question you need to ask yourself is what exactly would change between you? Are you secure in your relationship, are you going in to it as a couple who will experience things together and talk about them openly afterwards? If so the only likely change is a greater openness between you and no regret. However I would say that its much better to take things slowly and only go for full swap when you're absolutely sure because once its done it cant be undone.

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By *riskynriskyCouple
over a year ago

Essex.

The previous posts have pretty much said it all.

The only thing we would add is, if you go to a club you could go into a couples room and play with each other. Even though it's only the two of you it would give you an idea of how you feel naked and having sex with other people near you.

From memory we didn't play with other people until our 4th or 5th visit to a club. We started of just the two of us in a private room, then joining people in the hot tub for a chat before accepting an invitation to play...

Good luck and have fun... FnRx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It killed my relationship. Should have stayed as a fantasy...

Big regret.

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By *eneral HysteriaMan
over a year ago

Newcastle


"Okay so some advice from the "oldsters"

Yes a lot of couples that we have talked to were VERY cautious at first - and the more people care about their relationship the more cautious they are - so take that as a positive, because it IS an unknown.

#1. Just take it really slowly! We would suggest perhaps going to a club and decide in advance you are just going to enjoy the atmosphere. That gets you out there, talking to other couples, watching and testing the waters. You may decide in advance that you'll leave open the option to change your mind on play once there, but going with no play" in mind takes all the pressure off and you can just enjoy the evening.

#2. Don't ever, at this early stage in your journey agree to a play date without a social first. This eliminates the possibility that you'll drink too much and end up doing something that you WILL regret. Been there, done that, awful experience. which brings me to #3...

#3. Drink VERY sparingly on meets or at a club. We were given that advice early on and it has served us well. One drink - max two - to settle the nerves. Any more than that sets you up to find fuglies more attractive LOL

#4. Big key is communication - talk talk talk! That's why a social first is essential - you go home, dissect it, say what you did or didn't like about the other couple, good fit for both of you or not? All of this done in private without pressure to play.

#5. You also have to 100% respect each others opinions - when we get messages and face pics from couples (or singles) we BOTH have to be on board for a meet - one of you will be pickier than the other and that sets the bar. That HAS to be the bar for both of you. I reject about 95% of those that come in - that's my standard and there is no argument. It has to feel 100% for both of you, no one "takes one for the team" - that's a recipe for disaster.

#6. Get out there to a club or have a social sooner rather than later - remember, there is NO pressure to play, it's just a social but it'll get you guys into the scene and learning and talking.

Kay and Cee xx"

Great advice.

Comforting to know that the couples get nervous too!!!

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By *jandjbCouple
over a year ago

Nr Manchester


"The previous posts have pretty much said it all.

The only thing we would add is, if you go to a club you could go into a couples room and play with each other. Even though it's only the two of you it would give you an idea of how you feel naked and having sex with other people near you.

From memory we didn't play with other people until our 4th or 5th visit to a club. We started of just the two of us in a private room, then joining people in the hot tub for a chat before accepting an invitation to play...

Good luck and have fun... FnRx"

Lots of good advice. We had a spontaneous soft swap with a couple on our 3rd visit to a club which was the day before a prearranged threesome. Never looked back.

However what we did differently was to go to a club first and then set up a Fab profile.

Him

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

just make sure you both are a 100% sure you both want to do it.

as after you go with another couple nothing is the same and you cant go back

sure your sick of getting same answer but very important if there is any jelousy on either part dont do it as will ruin your relationship.

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By *arry247Couple
over a year ago

Wakefield


"We are a very much in love couple who have fantasised about swinging or same room sex for a while.

What stops us from making the leap is the feeling of 'what if we regret it' or something changes between us after adding in a 3rd party.

We are both very open minded and love sex, swapping pics, skyping other couples.

Has anyone else had this fear? And what outcome?"

If you have that fear swapping is not for you it will change your relationship.

However as others have said if you go to clubs and play in couples rooms with each other you can then see how you feel.

You may be surprised that the feeling a swap would change your relationship vanishes.

If it does fine go for it, if the doubts remain err on the side of caution and don't swap.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Some good advice for you above.

Just be prepared to experience a roller coaster of emotions.

One couple I know now have sex with others seperately and are quite happy with that.

They intended on threesomes but male was too jealous to see the female enjoying fun with someone else.

Both get off on hearing what the other has been up to, but don't want to actually be there.

Be prepared that there are several ways a liberated lifestyle can work and you may end up down a route you may not have considered.

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By *hoenixcouplexxCouple
over a year ago

Leicestershire


"Okay so some advice from the "oldsters"

Yes a lot of couples that we have talked to were VERY cautious at first - and the more people care about their relationship the more cautious they are - so take that as a positive, because it IS an unknown.

#1. Just take it really slowly! We would suggest perhaps going to a club and decide in advance you are just going to enjoy the atmosphere. That gets you out there, talking to other couples, watching and testing the waters. You may decide in advance that you'll leave open the option to change your mind on play once there, but going with no play" in mind takes all the pressure off and you can just enjoy the evening.

#2. Don't ever, at this early stage in your journey agree to a play date without a social first. This eliminates the possibility that you'll drink too much and end up doing something that you WILL regret. Been there, done that, awful experience. which brings me to #3...

#3. Drink VERY sparingly on meets or at a club. We were given that advice early on and it has served us well. One drink - max two - to settle the nerves. Any more than that sets you up to find fuglies more attractive LOL

#4. Big key is communication - talk talk talk! That's why a social first is essential - you go home, dissect it, say what you did or didn't like about the other couple, good fit for both of you or not? All of this done in private without pressure to play.

#5. You also have to 100% respect each others opinions - when we get messages and face pics from couples (or singles) we BOTH have to be on board for a meet - one of you will be pickier than the other and that sets the bar. That HAS to be the bar for both of you. I reject about 95% of those that come in - that's my standard and there is no argument. It has to feel 100% for both of you, no one "takes one for the team" - that's a recipe for disaster.

#6. Get out there to a club or have a social sooner rather than later - remember, there is NO pressure to play, it's just a social but it'll get you guys into the scene and learning and talking.

Kay and Cee xx"

Couldn't have said it better

Xxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

We soft swapped at first because we really werent sure how we would feel seeing each other with others .. take it as slow as you need there is no rush .. and the most important thing to totally accept with no question if one of you not keen on something or someone.. we never take one for the team xx

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By *iss_tressWoman
over a year ago

London

For me it did change things: so much so I've not had sex with him this year. That's because our boundaries were broken, so communications is paramount.

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By *issHottieBottieWoman
over a year ago

Kent


"

For me it did change things: so much so I've not had sex with him this year. That's because our boundaries were broken, so communications is paramount."

Hope all is ok xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Talk, talk and talk some more.

Communication is vital! Be really clear with each other about what you want and how you feel. Discuss your fears and worries.

There's lots of good advice on this thread. Definitely break yourselves in slowly and don't rush into anything.

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By *iss_tressWoman
over a year ago

London


"

For me it did change things: so much so I've not had sex with him this year. That's because our boundaries were broken, so communications is paramount.

Hope all is ok xx "

We're getting there, thank you x

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By *LCCCouple
over a year ago

Cambridge

As others have said, you can't have too much communication when it comes to swinging. Here are some of the things that we try to keep in mind

1) Its a journey, not a race - take it at your own speed, its hard, but try not to think "we've been on Fab X number of weeks now and we really should meet someone"

2) Agree to only play as quickly as the slowest person in the 3some/4some/moresome wants to play. Its better that everyone was a good time doing whats on offer, and they you can always go further the next time, rather than do something that you are uncomfortable with.

3) If a situation doesn't feel right, if your not sure, if it feels forced (like we have paid to come to the club, we really should do Something) don't do it! Pull back, and live to swing another day. There will always be another time or another opportunity to play.

4) As others have said, don't take one for the team, it makes everyone feel crappy.

5) You really need to learn that Yes mean Yes and No mean No. It seems simple, but can be hard to master. Try to stay away from Maybe or take Maybe as a No. If you ask your partner "are you ok if I do this?" you really need to trust the answer they give. If they say Yes and you do it, you don't want to be worried that actually they are uncomfortable with it. Equally never say Yes if you really mean No. Its perfectly fine to say, "I don't think I am comfortable with that yet, can I think about it and we can come back to in next week?"

6) Try not to tokenise things like "no kissing". If you are really ok with your partner penetrating or being penetrated by someone else, you really should be ok with kissing.

7) Going to a club or to a party is all about visiting a sexy environment. Never expect to play and you won't be disappointed. Always remember that you came with a very sexy partner and they would love to play with you, you don't Need other people to have sexy fun.

One thing to note from the title of the tread, rather than the original post is the "emotional line". Swinging is just one form of "ethical non-monogamy", and in swinging you are choosing to be sexually non-monogamous, but remaining emotionally monogamous, financially monogamous, romantically monogamous etc. etc. in other forms of non-monogamy such as progressive swinging, polyamory, monogamy squared, polyfidelity etc. can have different interpretations of how much of your life you are agreeing to share.

I think the best resource out there for ethically non-monogamous people (from newbies to pros) is a podcast called Life on the Swing Set. We have learnt and Enormous amount from it and it has really helped us thing about questions and situations and how to deal with things. I really recommend you give it a listen. They have over 200 episodes now, and if you are not sure which one to listen to first I would recommend episode 200 for you, or any of the "gang bang the mail bag" episodes which answer questions from their listeners. They also have a website, but the podcasts are much better.

Or if you are more of a read than a listener, I suggest you try Opening Up by Tristan Taormino. It comes highly recommended from others, and I have just started reading it this weekend and think that its great.

So good luck, have fun and happy swinging!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

We came to the conclusion that if there isn't a threat then there isn't a problem and called it ..."A kink".

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

CLCC's post above was brilliant.

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By *LCCCouple
over a year ago

Cambridge


"CLCC's post above was brilliant. "

Thank you

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By *idan murphyMan
over a year ago

dungarvan


"We had the exact same fears when we discussed trying this.

We eventually (after much talking) had our first proper meet last night with a single guy.

Nothing has changed between us at all apart from the fact we can't keep our hands off each other now.

There's no regrets or anything about what we did and we will be doing it again. "
. I can c why he can't

keep his hands off you your beautiful

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

One thing to note from the title of the tread, rather than the original post is the "emotional line". Swinging is just one form of "ethical non-monogamy", and in swinging you are choosing to be sexually non-monogamous, but remaining emotionally monogamous, financially monogamous, romantically monogamous etc. etc. in other forms of non-monogamy such as progressive swinging, polyamory, monogamy squared, polyfidelity etc. can have different interpretations of how much of your life you are agreeing to share.

This point has really helped us. Thank you so much for all your feedback on this everyone. It's definitely made us reassured that talking about every tiny feeling is worth saying.

And also the point about not drinking - very important as we both use this as a confidence boost which as pointed out would only end badly.

The advice of us going to a club with no expectations and just being able to find our own ways to relax in this environment and making friends / talking to people sounds like the way forward for us.

We have loads to talk about now and get our 1st step into this properly and happily.

Thank you all so much. Honestly this has helped us such a great deal

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Also special thanks to Twoblondes and CLCC for your amazing input x

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By *lassy pairCouple
over a year ago

Greenwich London

We have a had a few social meet, but so far we have not played with any one as yet, this thread helped us a lot, and we normaly meet couple, but we never came a cros one that we both like,and go further with, it always one or the other of the couple we like, and so far we did not come across a couple that we both like, so the hunt will carry on, we went to a club once and it was not a great experience for us, but we planning to give it another go and see how it goes this time.

So wish us a goodluck as we really do need it.

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By *uckandbunnyCouple
over a year ago

In your bed

Nothing wrong with being cautious.

Thinking about swinging can be fun in itself and is as safe as you like.

Swinging for us has not changed much in terms of our own relationship has not changed a huge amount.

It has not improved or diminished our relationship in anyway. It has given us a few more ideas to share between us in bed. But we also had that initial concern that it may change us.

In the end though it's a fear of the unknown. Because you have never done it, you can't know how you will react, so you fear the worst outcome.

For some it will have a detrimental effect, but for others it will not change them just make sex that little bit more varied.

As with anything you can't know, without trying. For those for whom swinging was a bad experience, could that change still have occurred without swinging?

If you are going to cheat and not play by the agreed rules agreed when swinging, then surely that would occur too at an office party etc.

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By *LCCCouple
over a year ago

Cambridge


"Also special thanks to Twoblondes and CLCC for your amazing input x"

Thanks I'm really glad that I have helped. We have only been in the lifestyle since January so we are just a few months into the journey ourselves.

It's nice to speak to some other couples on here who understand what it's like for couples who are in a committed relationship when they enter into the lifestyle. I imagine it is very different to single people joining the site.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You're welcome Darren and Daisy. We certainly appreciated getting advice at the beginning and it was encouraging to discover that everyone is invariably nervous at first xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Okay so some advice from the "oldsters"

Yes a lot of couples that we have talked to were VERY cautious at first - and the more people care about their relationship the more cautious they are - so take that as a positive, because it IS an unknown.

#1. Just take it really slowly! We would suggest perhaps going to a club and decide in advance you are just going to enjoy the atmosphere. That gets you out there, talking to other couples, watching and testing the waters. You may decide in advance that you'll leave open the option to change your mind on play once there, but going with no play" in mind takes all the pressure off and you can just enjoy the evening.

#2. Don't ever, at this early stage in your journey agree to a play date without a social first. This eliminates the possibility that you'll drink too much and end up doing something that you WILL regret. Been there, done that, awful experience. which brings me to #3...

#3. Drink VERY sparingly on meets or at a club. We were given that advice early on and it has served us well. One drink - max two - to settle the nerves. Any more than that sets you up to find fuglies more attractive LOL

#4. Big key is communication - talk talk talk! That's why a social first is essential - you go home, dissect it, say what you did or didn't like about the other couple, good fit for both of you or not? All of this done in private without pressure to play.

#5. You also have to 100% respect each others opinions - when we get messages and face pics from couples (or singles) we BOTH have to be on board for a meet - one of you will be pickier than the other and that sets the bar. That HAS to be the bar for both of you. I reject about 95% of those that come in - that's my standard and there is no argument. It has to feel 100% for both of you, no one "takes one for the team" - that's a recipe for disaster.

#6. Get out there to a club or have a social sooner rather than later - remember, there is NO pressure to play, it's just a social but it'll get you guys into the scene and learning and talking.

Kay and Cee xx"

This advice is absolutely on the money.

When we decided to attend Chams 3 years ago, it was with the intention of not playing and we ended up having a great time. We talk all the time about what we did and didn't like on the drives home so we don't have time to stew on the "didn't like" bits - thankfully extremely rare!

It took us ages to fully swing and it was really emotional for both of us when we did.

Read Kay and Cee's advice and then read it again and see how it fits with your mindset.

God luck x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sorry, that should read Good luck...obviously

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Okay so some advice from the "oldsters"

Yes a lot of couples that we have talked to were VERY cautious at first - and the more people care about their relationship the more cautious they are - so take that as a positive, because it IS an unknown.

#1. Just take it really slowly! We would suggest perhaps going to a club and decide in advance you are just going to enjoy the atmosphere. That gets you out there, talking to other couples, watching and testing the waters. You may decide in advance that you'll leave open the option to change your mind on play once there, but going with no play" in mind takes all the pressure off and you can just enjoy the evening.

#2. Don't ever, at this early stage in your journey agree to a play date without a social first. This eliminates the possibility that you'll drink too much and end up doing something that you WILL regret. Been there, done that, awful experience. which brings me to #3...

#3. Drink VERY sparingly on meets or at a club. We were given that advice early on and it has served us well. One drink - max two - to settle the nerves. Any more than that sets you up to find fuglies more attractive LOL

#4. Big key is communication - talk talk talk! That's why a social first is essential - you go home, dissect it, say what you did or didn't like about the other couple, good fit for both of you or not? All of this done in private without pressure to play.

#5. You also have to 100% respect each others opinions - when we get messages and face pics from couples (or singles) we BOTH have to be on board for a meet - one of you will be pickier than the other and that sets the bar. That HAS to be the bar for both of you. I reject about 95% of those that come in - that's my standard and there is no argument. It has to feel 100% for both of you, no one "takes one for the team" - that's a recipe for disaster.

#6. Get out there to a club or have a social sooner rather than later - remember, there is NO pressure to play, it's just a social but it'll get you guys into the scene and learning and talking.

Kay and Cee xx"

THIS is the best advice anyone could get. And is EXACTLY how we took the tentative steps into the scene, and even now, a few years on, we are still taking things at a pace that suits us both, that we're both comfortable with. Communicating and respecting each other is the biggest part of enjoying the scene in our opinion

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