FabSwingers.com forum: funny sex jokes

By *razymadlunatics OP Couple
over a year ago

Middlesbrough

hey guys come on in and post your favorite sex jokes in here. Doesnt matter where you get them from. As long as they are funny and witty, we want to hear them..

Ill start it off......

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

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By *razymadlunatics OP Couple
over a year ago

Middlesbrough

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads, "Cheese Sandwich: £1.50; Chicken Sandwich: £2.50; Hand Job: £10.00." Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?" "I was wondering," whispers the man, "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs, "I am." The man replies, "Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

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By *razymadlunatics OP Couple
over a year ago

Middlesbrough

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex position. One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy. "What is it?" "Well, it's where you get your girl down on all four, and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around, cup her t*ts, and whisper in her ear, 'boy these feel almost as nice as your sisters.' Then you try and hold on for 30 seconds."

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By *ce WingerMan
over a year ago

P.O. Box DE1 0NQ

I'm crap with jokes, but I'm lovin' the cheese sandwich one

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By *razymadlunatics OP Couple
over a year ago

Middlesbrough

Three people get arrested and are taken into holding for questioning. The officer talks to the first girl, asking, "What's your name?" She says, "Yo." The officer asks, "What are you in for?" She responds with, "Blowing bubbles." The officer takes her picture and lets her go. He asks the second girl, "What's your name?" She responds with, "Yo Yo." The officer asks, "What are you in for?" She responds with, "Blowing bubbles." The officer takes her picture and lets her go. He talks to the guy and says, "Let me guess, your name is Yo Yo Yo." The guy replies with, "No, it's Bubbles."

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By *razymadlunatics OP Couple
over a year ago

Middlesbrough

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds. After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up, The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, "If I catch you, you're mine!"....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why do women insist on having sex with the lights off ? Because they can't bare to see a man enjoying himself.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

2 girls sat chatting about there sex lives over coffee . The first lady tells the second her husband squeezes her nipples hard as she orgasms. "What does your husband do when you are cumming" ? she asks. "Oh" replies the second lady, "he is usually at home looking after the kids".

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What does a womens asshole do when she is having an orgasm ??

Fucks of down the pub

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

a little boy is in the bath with his mam and he points in between her legs and says mam what is that . the mam responds its where god hit me with an axe to which the little boy replied wow what a shot right in the fanny

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By *verysmileMan
over a year ago

Canterbury

Not a joke, not sure if it is true but it made me chuckle.

The NASA astronauts were chosen for their skills and were expected not to upset their clean cut, well spoken image.

Everyone knows Neil Armstrong said the famous line "One small step.....", but no one remembers his second offering to humanity. It was "Good luck Mr Gorsky"

He was asked many times who Mr Gorsky was and why he would need luck but never answered. Some people speculated that he was a physicist. Others said that perhaps this was a joke name for Buzz Aldrin who was about to walk on the moon just behind Armstrong.

Just before his death, Armstrong gave the game away. When he was a kid, he was playing in the garden with friends when the ball went over the fence, into the Gorsky's back yard. As he snuck over the neighbour's fence and was retrieving it, he could hear his neighbours arguing. The last line was delivered by Mrs Gorsky "......and if you think you are getting a blow job, you can wait until the kid next door walks on the moon!."

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By *uestandpinkCouple
over a year ago

Northampton

Crackin post this one lol

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By *onnie and JohnCouple
over a year ago

andover

nstead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim." That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

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By *onnie and JohnCouple
over a year ago

andover

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A sailor returns from being at sea for 10 long years so heads to the local brothel for some serious sex. He pays top dollar for the best looking woman there.

She takes him to her boudoir, strips him naked, lies him on the bed and climbs on top.

Unfortunately he cant get hard so asks the woman if she could rock from side to side as if he was still on the ship.

She does so but still nothing happens.

He asks her to get a bowl of water and splash him with it to simulate the heavy rains at sea.

So she sits on him rocking from side to side like the ship and splashing him with water like the heavy rain - but alas the sailor cant get hard.

So he asks her if she could reach up and switch on and off the light to simulate the bad lighning storms at sea.

So she straddles him rocking from side to side like the ship, splashing water on him like the heavy rains and switching on and off the light like the lightning storms at sea - but alas nothing happens. So getting really fed up by now the woman asks "are we going to fuck or what?" to which the sailor replies "what? Are you serious in weather like this?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A man meets a very overweight woman at the dance and she takes him home for some raw sex.

She brings him up to her bedroom where she strips off and beckons him to climb on and fuck her hard.

After a few minutes of fucking the man asks the woman if he could turn off the light. The woman enquires oh are you so kinky you need to fuck me in the dark? To which the man replies no its burning my arse!!

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By *i015Man
over a year ago

Millbrook, Southampton

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

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By *razymadlunatics OP Couple
over a year ago

Middlesbrough

An old lady went to visit her dentist. When it was her turn, she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants, and raised her legs. The dentist said, “Excuse me, but I’m not a gynecologist.” “I know,” said the old lady. “I want you to take my husband’s teeth out.”

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

(Couldn't recall one from my memory bank, so had a go at making one up)...

A man with a fetish for period play, arrives at the house of a couple, that he had arranged to see for a cuckold meet.

He sits down with the couple, and after chatting for a while, the wife hitches up her skirt, pulls her panties to one side, and removes her tampon...Well, it was like a red rag to a bull!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Superb effort guys

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I asked our lass what women really want and she said a tent of lovers!

(At least, I think that's what she said, i wasn't really listening).

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By *oxy-blonde-vixenWoman
over a year ago

Peterborough

"(Couldn't recall one from my memory bank, so had a go at making one up)...

A man with a fetish for period play, arrives at the house of a couple, that he had arranged to see for a cuckold meet.

He sits down with the couple, and after chatting for a while, the wife hitches up her skirt, pulls her panties to one side, and removes her tampon...Well, it was like a red rag to a bull! "

That's awful trust you lol

D x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's the difference between anal sex and cooking in a microwave. Microwave cooking doesn't brown your meat.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"(Couldn't recall one from my memory bank, so had a go at making one up)...

A man with a fetish for period play, arrives at the house of a couple, that he had arranged to see for a cuckold meet.

He sits down with the couple, and after chatting for a while, the wife hitches up her skirt, pulls her panties to one side, and removes her tampon...Well, it was like a red rag to a bull!

That's awful trust you lol

D x "

Sorry

What about this one,

My girlfriend told me, that I'm like an athlete in the bedroom. I said, "What, you mean I'm strong, and have great stamina?"

She said "No, you always like to come first, then think you deserve a fu@#ing medal!"

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By *oxy-blonde-vixenWoman
over a year ago

Peterborough

"(Couldn't recall one from my memory bank, so had a go at making one up)...

A man with a fetish for period play, arrives at the house of a couple, that he had arranged to see for a cuckold meet.

He sits down with the couple, and after chatting for a while, the wife hitches up her skirt, pulls her panties to one side, and removes her tampon...Well, it was like a red rag to a bull!

That's awful trust you lol

D x

Sorry

What about this one,

My girlfriend told me, that I'm like an athlete in the bedroom. I said, "What, you mean I'm strong, and have great stamina?"

She said "No, you always like to come first, then think you deserve a fu@#ing medal!"

Haha

D x

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By *iaFlashCouple
over a year ago

walsall

Superman is flying through Metropolis and quite horny, he then notices on top of the Hall of Justice is Wonder Woman lying naked spread eagle trying to get an even tan.

Superman ponders for a second.... "hold on I'm Superman faster than a speeding bullet, I'll just swoop down get my dick in, cum and leave before she even knows what happened"

Superman then swooped down and he slid his chap into Wonder Woman, cum then flew away happy.

Wonder Woman then sits up quick and said "What the hell was that!" to which the Invisible Man replied "I don't know Diana but my my ass fucking hurts!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

An ex once said to me whilst having sex, " you really have got a small organ " to which i immediately replied....

" I didnt know i was playing a fucking cathedral " !

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Not a joke, not sure if it is true but it made me chuckle.

The NASA astronauts were chosen for their skills and were expected not to upset their clean cut, well spoken image.

Everyone knows Neil Armstrong said the famous line "One small step.....", but no one remembers his second offering to humanity. It was "Good luck Mr Gorsky"

That's brilliant!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I asked our lass what women really want and she said a tent of lovers!

(At least, I think that's what she said, i wasn't really listening)."

Lol love this one too!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I asked our lass what women really want and she said a tent of lovers!

(At least, I think that's what she said, i wasn't really listening).

Lol love this one too!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I had an appointment at the sperm bank today. Unfortunately I had to ring them to let them know I couldn't come (cum)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How do you make your wife scream when you are cumming ? Ring her and tell her where you are.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I went to a swingers party dressed in my army gear last night. I certainly got a few funny looks when I put my kakhis in the bowl.

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By *ple from LeicCouple
over a year ago

Leicester

I like that joke

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I went to a swingers party dressed in my army gear last night. I certainly got a few funny looks when I put my kakhis in the bowl.

"
*khakis

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"a little boy is in the bath with his mam and he points in between her legs and says mam what is that . the mam responds its where god hit me with an axe to which the little boy replied wow what a shot right in the fanny"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Bill and Maggie are on their honeymoon on board a cruise ship. The evening entertainment features "The great Tonka". Who they go to see and find standing room only. On stage appears a muscular 6' 4" 25 year old adonis with a wonderfully curly golden mane extending to near his waist wearing only a gold and silver brocade cape that doesn't cover his enormous manhood. His able assistant produces and places on a table a cherry followed by an apple and finally a small gala melon. The lights dim and the drum roll begins at which Tonka smashes his huge appendage onto the cherry he sidesteps and it's ditto to the apple after a brief pause he leaps off the floor and his massive dong descends on the melon and obliterates it the front 12 rows are covered with cherry, apple and melon juice pips as well as skin. The audience gasp, leap to their feet and give a standing ovation.

We now skip forward to Bill and Maggies diamond anniversary, they decide to celebrate 60 years wedded bliss with another cruise. Much to their disbelief the first evenings entertainment features "The great Tonka". On stage this time appears a wizened old man 90 years old if a day bent near double barely 5' tall bald as a babies bottom adorned in nothing but a gold and silver brocade cape. The lights dim and his able assistant produces and places on a table a coconut a watermelon and finally with the help of an audience member a 20lb marrow. The lights dim, drum rolls and tonka unleashes with a deafening whip-crack his massive meat wrench to wreak havoc on the coconut and watermelon after a brief pause he lunges forwards and with both hands gripping his gristle missile he decimates the marrow. The audience are agog and from front row to the cheap seats covered in melon and marrow juice as well as coconut shrapnel. With this Bill and Maggie decide to visit backstage and see if this is the original Tonka. They introduce themselves to the octagenarian marvel, Bill asks what training regime he must have undertook to progress from a small cherry and apples 60 years prior to huge watermelons and coconuts.............................................

wait for it..................................................

here it comes..............................................

None replies "The great Tonka" it's just that my eyesight isn't what it was you see.

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By *ockyjohnMan
over a year ago

North West

I found a hole in my trainer yesterday so I put my finger in. And that's how I got banned from the gym!

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By *ockyjohnMan
over a year ago

North West

Lost my job as masseur in a ladies gym - apparently, I misunderstood the instruction to finish off on the face !

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A friend of mine tried opening a Sperm Bank, but it closed after the first day.

They only had three 'donors' apply.

One of them missed the tube and the other one came on the bus.

Bob Monkhouse gag. Now there's a bloke who was funny!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

what's the difference between spitting and swallowing? about 40 pounds of pressure on the back of the head.

how do you know if you have a high sperm count? she has to chew before she swallows

What do you do if a horny pit bull is shagging you leg? fake an orgasm

What's the definition of a bastard? A man who fucks his wife all night with a 3" cock, then kisses her goodbye the following morning with a 10" tongue

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Man said in a pub with his mate. He said " could not believe our lass last night . I was sat at the PC and she asked what I was looking at ?

I'm just looking at flights darling I said

With that she ripped off my clothes and fucked me all over the house .. I never even knew she liked fucking darts

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By *ex-a-frolicsCouple
over a year ago

Brizzle

What's the difference between & fridge & a fanny? A fridge doesn't fart when you take your meat out!!

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By *obletonMan
over a year ago

A Home Among The Woodland Creatures

A bloke walks into an extremely posh restaurant, sits down and waives the waiter over. "I want to see the cock-sucking, mother-fucking boss now," he says.

The waiter is naturally a bit taken aback and replies "Excuse me, sir, would you refrain from using that kind of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the bloke says "Are you the chicken fucking manager of this bastarding joint?" "Yes sir, I am", replies the manager but I would prefer you not to use that kind of vernacular in this restaurant, there are private parties and clients entertaining in here."

The bloke replies "Fuck you, where's the fucking piano?"

The manager is a bit puzzled and asks the bloke to clarify the situation.

"Where's the fucking piano, are you fucking deaf or what, you stupid cunt?"

"Ah", says the manager, "You've come about the pianist job out of the paper."

"Too fucking right", the bloke replies.

The manager tentatively takes the bloke over to the piano and begs him not to speak into the microphone.

"Can you play any blues?" the manager asks.

The bloke starts to play the most beautiful blues ever heard. "That's superb", gasps the manager, "What is it called?"

"I want to shag your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my cock end", replies the bloke.

The manager is a bit disturbed. "Oh, do you know any jazz?" asks the manager a bit perplexed.

The bloke plays the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard. "Absolutely magnificent", cries the manager, "What is that called?"

"I wanked over the washing machine but my bollocks got caught in the powder drawer", replies the bloke.

The manager is a tad embarrassed at this one. "Oh I say, do you know any romantic ballads?" asks the manager getting flustered. The bloke plays the most heartbreaking melody ever. "That was fantastic", crooned the manager, "What is that one called?"

"Shagging sheep under the stars with the moonlight shining on my hairy ring piece", replies the bloke.

The manager is highly upset at the bloke's language but is so moved by his music that he offers the bloke a job on the condition that he does not introduce any of the songs. The bloke accepts.

The arrangement goes swimmingly for a couple of weeks when one night the bloke gets desperate for a wank. He leaves the restaurant and goes to the staff toilets. Strangely there is a magazine stuffed behind the bowl. The bloke retrieves the mag and discovers a good old wank mag. He naturally has a swift one off the wrist. As he is coming he hears the manager shouting "Where the fuck is that fucking pianist?"

The bloke whips up his trousers, returns to the restaurant and begins playing some more tunes. After a couple of minutes a woman approaches him and whispers "Do you know your bollocks and knob are hanging out of your trousers dribbling jizz all over your shoes?"

The bloke replies "Know it? I fucking wrote it!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

steve davis is loosing at a snooker tournament watching the other guy finnish another frame, looking into the audience he spots a young lady smiling and waveing at him this cheers him up and he cums back to win the match, afterwards the lady is by his dressing room asking for a private meeting why not he said you helped me win, inside his room she stripped naked bent over the table wiggled her bum and said take me, long pause and another long pause, she wondered what he was waiting for so she turned round and asked what was wrong , steve replyed I cant make my mind up weather to take the pink or the brown

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Disneyland divorce court and the judge rejects Mickey's petition.

"Mr Mouse, I'm afraid you can't divorce your wife just because she has crooked teeth."

"I never said that. I said she was fucking Goofy".

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By *hygirl and mCouple
over a year ago

birmingham

Surprise sex is the best thing in the morning.........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

Unless your in prison

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Not a joke, not sure if it is true but it made me chuckle.

The NASA astronauts were chosen for their skills and were expected not to upset their clean cut, well spoken image.

Everyone knows Neil Armstrong said the famous line "One small step.....", but no one remembers his second offering to humanity. It was "Good luck Mr Gorsky"

That's brilliant!"

Incidentally, to clarify any confusion, this is in fact an urban myth and is in fact FALSE.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do a washing machine and a fanny have in common?

They both leak when they're fucked.

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By *dam_TinaCouple
over a year ago

Hampshire

"Disneyland divorce court and the judge rejects Mickey's petition.

"Mr Mouse, I'm afraid you can't divorce your wife just because she has crooked teeth."

"I never said that. I said she was fucking Goofy"."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My gynecologist is retired now, but he likes to keep his hand in.

(courtesy of Dame Edna Everage)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Has anyone tried the new liquid Viagra?

I tried it yesterday in the office with the secretary, but I got the tippex mixed up with the Viagra. I ended up with a massive correction.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Has anyone tried the new liquid Viagra?

I tried it yesterday in the office with the secretary, but I got the tippex mixed up with the Viagra. I ended up with a massive correction.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A couple are in bed after having sex.

The wife says' you make love to me like u decorate'

Hubby says' slow and professional'

Wife replies' no I have to finish the job myself'

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By *exymatcplMan
over a year ago

doncaster

A man and his wife went to the zoo.

They noticed the gorilla had got a huge hard on as he looked at the wife.

Her husband says"Lift your skirt up flash your knickers and tease him!"

The ape goes mental.

"Now get your tits out!"

The ape goes fucking berserk!

The husband opens the cage and pushes his wife in.

"Now try telling THAT fucker you've got a headache!"

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By *verysmileMan
over a year ago

Canterbury

Staying in a youth hostel some years back, I met a very nice young lady who was walking across Britain. We hit it off and after some suggestions, she said that I could jump up onto her bunk after lights out so that we could have some fun but only if we were quiet. At 11pm, I crossed the room, climbed up and got in with her. As we started to make love she whispered to me that we should have a code word for slowing the action down if we got too frisky. She suggested "Cut the Cake". I began to give it my best but without making a noise and after 5 minutes she gasped "Cut the Cake" so I slowed down. A few minutes later, I began to speed up again until she said "Cut the Cake". This happened a dozen times....faster but silent sex followed by a whispered "Cut the Cake" as she got really turned on. Eventually, I couldn't stop and began to silently but manfully ram her silly. "Cut the cake....Cut the cake", but I wouldn't stop. "Cut the cake" she cried at which point a voice from the bottom bunk said "For Pete's sake, Cut the friggin Cake, the icing is beginning to drip everywhere!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My girlfriend told me that my cock is two inches bigger than her ex's.

And that is why she will never go back into a lesbian relationship.

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By *uzi Jones 26Woman
over a year ago

The Devil's Lair

"Staying in a youth hostel some years back, I met a very nice young lady who was walking across Britain. We hit it off and after some suggestions, she said that I could jump up onto her bunk after lights out so that we could have some fun but only if we were quiet. At 11pm, I crossed the room, climbed up and got in with her. As we started to make love she whispered to me that we should have a code word for slowing the action down if we got too frisky. She suggested "Cut the Cake". I began to give it my best but without making a noise and after 5 minutes she gasped "Cut the Cake" so I slowed down. A few minutes later, I began to speed up again until she said "Cut the Cake". This happened a dozen times....faster but silent sex followed by a whispered "Cut the Cake" as she got really turned on. Eventually, I couldn't stop and began to silently but manfully ram her silly. "Cut the cake....Cut the cake", but I wouldn't stop. "Cut the cake" she cried at which point a voice from the bottom bunk said "For Pete's sake, Cut the friggin Cake, the icing is beginning to drip everywhere!"

Vile . . . Had me in tucks though

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Man walks int a bar and can i have a double entendre so the bar made gave him one. Oldy but a goody

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