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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"thanks for all the replies..
To be honest all the stuff I been through made me a very caring person as I wanted to be the opposite of what happened to me...this mental, physical, emotional abuse went on for over 13 years.. yeah my life has been a mess... but was caught up in a system which didn't acknowledge this style of abuse to a male, so been in and out of various types of therapy etc .. my current doc (head type) has stood by me for over 17 years and have made progress .. but the sexual stuff has always been really avoided yeah covered it in incidents but never how i feel / react / wants / needs .. as i not really allowed my physical feelings show through.. just denied them .. but its more weird as they have been getting out of control, with me wanting contact, not in negative way .. i think my doc, think i have still fulfilled animal-nistic reactions but no, I know i probably can suppress all this and it does seem the easier option, I don't even know if i like myself or my appearance and dont know if i am ugly, off putting, etc .. just know that I am really nice person.. probably too nice and that the way I will stay which I am happy at least I haven't inflicted pain and suffering."
Ok. I really like this part here, you start off acknowledging you have created something positive from the negative examples you had been given, you know you're lovable and have the traits that make you lovable (and vulnerable), i understand this because i did the same thing myself- took my negative experiences, understood how i felt about those who treated me badly and didn't want to pass that feeling onto others because it was horrible feeling like shit and i didn't want other people to feel like shit. And although most people will appreciate that you treat them kindly and care they won't understand why it is important to you, they will just understand that they have always been treated that way from people and may not realise that you haven't and they most certainly won't know why you haven't unless you tell them (you don't have to tell them you just have to understand that they won't know).
Kindness is a beautiful trait for any person to have, never lose it no matter how many times you feel it isn't worth it, and always use it on yourself too.
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but then you start thinking about what happened to you and how it was dealt with and you have doubts and get a it negative...even talk about denying yourself, denying your feelings, wants and needs,"
Do you want to do anything about you being treated as a liar? Have you managed to get past your reality being treated as a lie by people who weren't there but should have trusted you and then done something about it? I think my experience and ability with this isn't enough to help you but there are people out there who could help you just by believing you (i believe you btw), and i think this would help a lot in you being able to trust yourself.
Trust a feeling that is definitely based on mutual interactions with other people and how that went. And when others lie to you (or about you), you can start to doubt yourself, this is why i hate lying and never do it (not even little white lies but i probably should start telling those coz i come across as a bit of bitch sometimes lol).
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yes I have stayed in abusive relationships but still wanting to be a pleaser and I have been told that I am good at that and to be honest it was more exploitative when I was my first so called g/f because i thought she showed true interest in me and thought it would be a way to rewrite all the other stuff, but as I learnt that things are never what they seem , so I just got on with my work and my work mask which hides most of the crap, yeah I do still beat myself up but its no where as bad as it used to be... "
It's ok to want comfort, and the familiar can be comforting even if it wasn't that nice the first time, but your inner feelings will also remain the same because you're having the same experiences.
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This is the first time in my life where I have been this expressive about it and feel comfortable.."
Good. Enjoy that feeling and act on it every time you feel a need to.
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I am ashamed but not vulnerable as i learnt techniques to stop feeling that way.. hence a loner even a recluse, "
You want to be vulnerable though, we all do (unless we're psychos). You've already acknowledged that you have so much to offer people, now you're wondering why they won't take it? Not everyone needs what you have to offer, most people offer caring, kindness and love and recieve it, so it's not a problem for them if they don't take yours (although you can guarantee they will always appreciate it in some way).
Your techniques are just denying yourself what you want. Idk how you can change this because other people have their own wants and desires and obviously they might not be you, out of 6 billion people it's more likely they won't be you than they will be if we're honest here. It's nothing you've done though, it's just that humans have an imagination and they tend to fantasise about life and what they want from it and then they go out and look for that, i guess this is a bad trait because most people don't get to fulfil their dreams and eventually forget about them. There will be people out there who you would fulfil their dreams though, if you share your dreams with others though it is more likely you'll find that person.
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NSA is great if all your other needs (emotional, financial, companionship, understanding etc) are being fulfilled elsewhere though.
Well the rest of them I deal with myself, I have close friends, but realized that they cant deal with it, and people (sorry) dont want to really hear about this either.. but people like me .. and what I offer, honesty, friendship / mates, is quite unique."
Thats good that you have mates. Unfortunately they haven't been through what you have and won't understand you and you will in fact be making them feel helpless and bad about themselves for not being able to help you, again not your fault and not their fault but it doesn't help you because we all need our friends to understand us and accept us for who we truly are, they are accepting you as you are but can't understand that's all. Do you think you could reach out to support groups that would understand you and what you've been through?
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Dont think I want companionship as that is a whole different ball game and I have created a nice little bubble for myself .. think it would do my head in.. lol.. emotional is i spent studying psychology and basic psychiatry in the look for answers which helps, financially i am doing ok, and comfortable and understanding is from within and my chats with my Dr ..
I know i would have other things to overcome, body image, nerves, lack of experience .. but hopefully they could be overcome..
thank you all for listening and any input that you have provided..
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You just got to figure out what you want from life (if anything at all), i know it's hard when your options have been limited but looks like you're getting there. Hope my advice helped, it helped me anyway to get some stuff sorted. I'm not an expert in anything, did study psychology and neurology when my sister had a breakdown and yeah i agree it does help a bit. |
