FabSwingers.com forum: being cheated on

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

after reading so many threads about 'people' justifying to themselves being cheaters, i thought i would ask the question from the other perspective.

which would you forgive first?

A) a one night stand

B) constant indescretions with different people

C) a long term affair that they said about ' i thought i loved her/him, but i was wrong'

me, personally, it would be C before all the rest.

i would rather think that someone was prepared to throw everything we have, and have had together, away, for the sake of someone they thought they had fallen in love with, than think they would be prepared to throw it all away for the sake of a quick fumble in a back alley, or spending their time organising meeting various people at different times.

what about yourselves?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Could forgive a one night stand. The other two probably not

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The risk if damage comes not from the sexual act but from the thought behind it. I would rate anything involving emotion as far more damaging.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I must be hard! I don't do forgiveness.

In the vanilla world - fuck someone else and you are gone! That was 19 years of marriage down the drain, have 2 great kids though and we have stayed friends.

In the fab world - fuck someone else without me, asking permission or letting me know beforehand - you are also gone!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I must be hard! I don't do forgiveness.

In the vanilla world - fuck someone else and you are gone! That was 19 years of marriage down the drain, have 2 great kids though and we have stayed friends.

In the fab world - fuck someone else without me, asking permission or letting me know beforehand - you are also gone!

Same here

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Could forgive a one night stand , and possibly a string of meaningless NSA sexual encounters . But never a full blown affair .

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Couldn't forgive any of them. I would be just as hurt knowing my partner had thought they were in love with someone else even if they never were physical with the other person.It shows cracks in the relationship and they should separate themselves from that person and figure out what is going wrong in their relationship so it can either be fixed - or ended.

Sex can be just sex without feelings - but if that person hasn't got the will power to just say no, even if the sex would be nothing more than physical then they aren't worth my time. It would just show how much they disregard your feelings - a complete lack or respect.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Could forgive a one night stand , and possibly a string of meaningless NSA sexual encounters . But never a full blown affair .

This. I would be devastated to think that he loved someone else but thought so little of me that he continued behind my back.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I could forgive a casual one off fuck because it doesn't imply any degree of implied intimacy...sex in those circumstances can be purely recreational like a game of golf...any sharing of something more than his cock would be much more of a betrayal...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

To me it would depend on the state of my relationship at the time of the events. For instance if I had been treating my partner poorly for some time leading up to him shagging someone else or developing feelings for someone else then I would have to shoulder some blame.

So depending on what was wrong in the relationship (if anything) then it would depend on which event would be more forgivable.

If I hadn't shown him love and he found it elsewhere then that would be more forgivable. If I had refused to have sex with him for an extended time and without good reason then him finding sex elsewhere would be more forgivable.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Nope, wouldn't forgive any of them. If they don't have the balls to cut ties and walk away before they go dipping their wick, then I'd lose all respect for them anyway.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Nope, wouldn't forgive any of them. If they don't have the balls to cut ties and walk away before they go dipping their wick, then I'd lose all respect for them anyway. "

This.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Nope, wouldn't forgive any of them. If they don't have the balls to cut ties and walk away before they go dipping their wick, then I'd lose all respect for them anyway. "

he lost my respect and my friendship!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Nope, wouldn't forgive any of them. If they don't have the balls to cut ties and walk away before they go dipping their wick, then I'd lose all respect for them anyway.

he lost my respect and my friendship!! "

My ex husband lost my respect and our 20 year partnership.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Couldn't forgive any form of cheating. Serious flirting, kissing, sex, anything. If you're not fully committed to someone you shouldn't be with them. But each to their own.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

we had this discussion and V said the same as most others, a one night stand would be easier to dismiss than seeing someone long term thinking one had feelings for the other person, but i go the other way.

maybe its because my ex is now going out with the guy she cheated on me with, and therefore i kind of think that she found someone else she could be happier with than i could make her, whereas, if she had been happy to throw away 11 years together for a quick fuck, i would feel she didnt think much of what we had, if that makes sense.

i dunno, horses for courses i guess.

its a good debate though

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

None of them.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"after reading so many threads about 'people' justifying to themselves being cheaters, i thought i would ask the question from the other perspective.

which would you forgive first?

A) a one night stand

B) constant indescretions with different people

C) a long term affair that they said about ' i thought i loved her/him, but i was wrong'

me, personally, it would be C before all the rest.

what about yourselves?"

I have a "one strike and your out" ruling on cheating. If they can do it once there is nothing to stop them from doing it again.

And I don't think anyone can justify cheating. It's morally wrong.

In my opinion...!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"To me it would depend on the state of my relationship at the time of the events. For instance if I had been treating my partner poorly for some time leading up to him shagging someone else or developing feelings for someone else then I would have to shoulder some blame.

So depending on what was wrong in the relationship (if anything) then it would depend on which event would be more forgivable.

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By *r Mahogany70Man
over a year ago

Leicester

"I must be hard! I don't do forgiveness.

In the vanilla world - fuck someone else and you are gone! That was 19 years of marriage down the drain, have 2 great kids though and we have stayed friends.

In the fab world - fuck someone else without me, asking permission or letting me know beforehand - you are also gone!

Same here "

I'm confused. Are you two (chanelnumber5 & The naughtiest Angel) saying guys you meet through Fab have to get your permission to see other women?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I must be hard! I don't do forgiveness.

In the vanilla world - fuck someone else and you are gone! That was 19 years of marriage down the drain, have 2 great kids though and we have stayed friends.

In the fab world - fuck someone else without me, asking permission or letting me know beforehand - you are also gone!

Same here

I'm confused. Are you two (chanelnumber5 & The naughtiest Angel) saying guys you meet through Fab have to get your permission to see other women?"

No darling, that would be really bad! lol x I'm not THAT harsh x

but I have a joint profile on here with a partner, and we are both free to see others, with each others consent.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

Context is important I think, I view a relationship as a big picture and if I stand back and look at it from a distance what would be the main theme. If I could see mostly good stuff with small bad black patches I'd try and forgive but if one section was covered in a web of long term lies and deceit I'd struggle. So a one off would be my deception of choice

It's rarely about just one person though and once I'd recovered from the murderous rage I hope I could look rationally at where we both went wrong

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

a long term afair would be worst, i doubt i would forgive him unless he bought me some nice preasants

then again i have forgiven him for worst things.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Context is important I think, I view a relationship as a big picture and if I stand back and look at it from a distance what would be the main theme. If I could see mostly good stuff with small bad black patches I'd try and forgive but if one section was covered in a web of long term lies and deceit I'd struggle. So a one off would be my deception of choice

It's rarely about just one person though and once I'd recovered from the murderous rage I hope I could look rationally at where we both went wrong

Yes this exactly. These things are rarely black and white.

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By *oxy_minxWoman
over a year ago

Scotland - Aberdeen

Constant indiscretions did it for me! Even though I confronted him on quite a few occasions he still lied about them, but then when his mother was giving him an alibi what else could I do?

Until I caught him out, then it was blackbags and out the door!

My motto now is I can make a big enough arse out of myself without someone doing it for me.....And that was when I realised everyone in the pub knew except me!

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By *ENDAROOSCouple
over a year ago

South West London / Surrey

I certainly couldn't forgive B or C.

A - I might try and forgive but not sure that I could truly. I hope to never find out.....

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By *all-Eddies QosCouple
over a year ago

wirral

"Couldn't forgive any form of cheating. Serious flirting, kissing, sex, anything. If you're not fully committed to someone you shouldn't be with them. But each to their own."

This

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By *ing and RideCouple
over a year ago

stockport

Well I can't get my head round "we also swing on our own" I really couldn't cope with that knowing he was with some other woman doing and saying god know what. I couldn't forgive any of what the op said either. But as has been said...horses for courses.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

We've often discussed this dilemma. We came to the conclusion that if one if us even remotely felt the urge.......we are to let the other know straight away so we can work out why it's happening and what we can do about it.

Better this than throw away years of happiness.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"We've often discussed this dilemma. We came to the conclusion that if one if us even remotely felt the urge.......we are to let the other know straight away so we can work out why it's happening and what we can do about it.

Better this than throw away years of happiness. "

Very wise.

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By *r Mahogany70Man
over a year ago

Leicester

"I must be hard! I don't do forgiveness.

In the vanilla world - fuck someone else and you are gone! That was 19 years of marriage down the drain, have 2 great kids though and we have stayed friends.

In the fab world - fuck someone else without me, asking permission or letting me know beforehand - you are also gone!

Same here

I'm confused. Are you two (chanelnumber5 & The naughtiest Angel) saying guys you meet through Fab have to get your permission to see other women?

No darling, that would be really bad! lol x I'm not THAT harsh x

but I have a joint profile on here with a partner, and we are both free to see others, with each others consent. "

Ahhhhh, perhaps I should have read your profile first before posting

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why is sex so damned important? If he/she had seen a Gynaecologist, plastic surgeon, genital inspection at GUM Clinic, masseuse, tattoo artist, had a pubic area waxing, haircut, teeth done, etc etc no one would give a damn. As soon as sex is concerened it is treated with religious reverance.

I would find lying to me, stealing, undermining me in public, abusing my children and trying to manipulate me far more destructive than casual sex but looks like sex trumps the lot.

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By *r Mahogany70Man
over a year ago

Leicester

"Why is sex so damned important? If he/she had seen a Gynaecologist, plastic surgeon, genital inspection at GUM Clinic, masseuse, tattoo artist, had a pubic area waxing, haircut, teeth done, etc etc no one would give a damn. As soon as sex is concerened it is treated with religious reverance.

I would find lying to me, stealing, undermining me in public, abusing my children and trying to manipulate me far more destructive than casual sex but looks like sex trumps the lot. "

Gotta ask... You serious?

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

I would find lying to me, stealing, undermining me in public, abusing my children and trying to manipulate me far more destructive than casual sex but looks like sex trumps the lot. "

because we have been conditioned by society and religion for hundreds of years to believe that sex is sacrosanct to partners and if you stray it is the ultimate betrayal. Also sex IS damn important in the context of a relationship, only one of many important things but still important.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I would find lying to me, stealing, undermining me in public, abusing my children and trying to manipulate me far more destructive than casual sex but looks like sex trumps the lot.

Gotta ask... You serious? "

Why not?

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

I would find lying to me, stealing, undermining me in public, abusing my children and trying to manipulate me far more destructive than casual sex but looks like sex trumps the lot. "

also I usually tell my partner all about haircuts, gynae visits etc some of these comparisons are a bit idd tbh

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

I would find lying to me, stealing, undermining me in public, abusing my children and trying to manipulate me far more destructive than casual sex but looks like sex trumps the lot.

Gotta ask... You serious?

Why not? "

are you honestly comparing getting a haircut or seeing a gynaecologist to lying to your partner about having sex with someone else?

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By *ENDAROOSCouple
over a year ago

South West London / Surrey

I would find lying to me, stealing, undermining me in public, abusing my children and trying to manipulate me far more destructive than casual sex but looks like sex trumps the lot. "

To me a good relationship is based on trust, honesty and mutual respect. If my partner cheated on me then that would be gone.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"after reading so many threads about 'people' justifying to themselves being cheaters, i thought i would ask the question from the other perspective.

which would you forgive first?

A) a one night stand

B) constant indescretions with different people

C) a long term affair that they said about ' i thought i loved her/him, but i was wrong'

me, personally, it would be C before all the rest.

what about yourselves?"

If either me or emma did any of the above it be game over what we did say is if situation ever came about where we still loved eachother but wanted to do other things then we would do it together wether it be mmf or a gangbang

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By *abioMan
over a year ago

Newcastle and Gateshead

"after reading so many threads about 'people' justifying to themselves being cheaters, i thought i would ask the question from the other perspective.

which would you forgive first?

A) a one night stand

B) constant indescretions with different people

C) a long term affair that they said about ' i thought i loved her/him, but i was wrong'

me, personally, it would be C before all the rest.

what about yourselves?"

funny enough one of my exe's wanted me to take her back after a "discretion gone bad"...

my last words to her were "funny, because you certainly weren't thinking of me when you were bouncing up and down on his cock!!"....

Trust... why would I want to be a person who I had none in?

so the answer is I wouldn't put up with any of that "shit"......

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I would find lying to me, stealing, undermining me in public, abusing my children and trying to manipulate me far more destructive than casual sex but looks like sex trumps the lot.

Absolutely right! Conditioning and religious teachings.

Many relationships between relatives, same sex friends and the elderly do not have sex as a factor. When it comes to partnerships, sex is absolute and sacrosanct.

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By *ancs MinxWoman
over a year ago

Burnley

"Nope, wouldn't forgive any of them. If they don't have the balls to cut ties and walk away before they go dipping their wick, then I'd lose all respect for them anyway. "

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By *r Mahogany70Man
over a year ago

Leicester

I would find lying to me, stealing, undermining me in public, abusing my children and trying to manipulate me far more destructive than casual sex but looks like sex trumps the lot.

Gotta ask... You serious?

Why not? "

So you're saying you wouldn't be bothered if your partner was fucking around behind your back?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I would find lying to me, stealing, undermining me in public, abusing my children and trying to manipulate me far more destructive than casual sex but looks like sex trumps the lot.

Gotta ask... You serious?

Why not?

are you honestly comparing getting a haircut or seeing a gynaecologist to lying to your partner about having sex with someone else?"

No I am not. I am suggesting that sex is just a bodily function and if it was not treated with religious reverence then partners who want to have casual sex with others would not be required to lie.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

I would find lying to me, stealing, undermining me in public, abusing my children and trying to manipulate me far more destructive than casual sex but looks like sex trumps the lot.

Gotta ask... You serious?

Why not?

are you honestly comparing getting a haircut or seeing a gynaecologist to lying to your partner about having sex with someone else?

No I am not. I am suggesting that sex is just a bodily function and if it was not treated with religious reverence then partners who want to have casual sex with others would not be required to lie."

The hundreds of years of social and religious conditioning are never going to go away so we have to work with what we've got.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I would find lying to me, stealing, undermining me in public, abusing my children and trying to manipulate me far more destructive than casual sex but looks like sex trumps the lot.

Gotta ask... You serious?

Why not?

So you're saying you wouldn't be bothered if your partner was fucking around behind your back? "

If my partner wanted to fuck others she would tell me. I do not seek to inhibit her personal Bodily functions so she does not have to lie.

I have watched and enjoyed her have pleasurable sex with others on many occasions so she does not have any need to lie about having other men. It is the desire to control them that leads to the regretful need to lie.

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By *oxy_minxWoman
over a year ago

Scotland - Aberdeen

I would find lying to me, stealing, undermining me in public, abusing my children and trying to manipulate me far more destructive than casual sex but looks like sex trumps the lot.

Gotta ask... You serious?

Why not?

are you honestly comparing getting a haircut or seeing a gynaecologist to lying to your partner about having sex with someone else?

No I am not. I am suggesting that sex is just a bodily function and if it was not treated with religious reverence then partners who want to have casual sex with others would not be required to lie."

No, if someone wants to shag around with countless others, then they shouldn't pretend they want to be in a monogamous relationship!

It's the constant lies and disrespectfulness that gets in the way, not dipping your wick where it shouldn't be, just my 2p worth!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

None because time of cheating does not alter fact you been cheated on. Leopards and spots etc.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was cheated on a long time ago and for me it wasn't the sexual indiscretions that hurt it was loss of trust, lack of respect and commitment that hurt, so I wouldn't forgive any of them.

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By *abioMan
over a year ago

Newcastle and Gateshead

interesting slant...

see... you could "almost" forgive a one night stand in a town because you could say it was "flirting that had gone way too far"... or you could "blame it on the drink" "heat of the moment" ect ect...

but then being on a website and doing it takes some thinking about it... some plotting and schemeing... cold calculated decisions....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I would find lying to me, stealing, undermining me in public, abusing my children and trying to manipulate me far more destructive than casual sex but looks like sex trumps the lot.

Gotta ask... You serious?

Why not?

are you honestly comparing getting a haircut or seeing a gynaecologist to lying to your partner about having sex with someone else?

No I am not. I am suggesting that sex is just a bodily function and if it was not treated with religious reverence then partners who want to have casual sex with others would not be required to lie.

The hundreds of years of social and religious conditioning are never going to go away so we have to work with what we've got."

That, sadly, is so true but i had thought that if we are to see some advance away from this historic conditioning it would be amongst the members who embrace casual non-possesive sex. We have after all consigned witchcraft to history and are making good progress with racism.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

I would find lying to me, stealing, undermining me in public, abusing my children and trying to manipulate me far more destructive than casual sex but looks like sex trumps the lot.

Gotta ask... You serious?

Why not?

are you honestly comparing getting a haircut or seeing a gynaecologist to lying to your partner about having sex with someone else?

No I am not. I am suggesting that sex is just a bodily function and if it was not treated with religious reverence then partners who want to have casual sex with others would not be required to lie.

No, if someone wants to shag around with countless others, then they shouldn't pretend they want to be in a monogamous relationship!

It's the constant lies and disrespectfulness that gets in the way, not dipping your wick where it shouldn't be, just my 2p worth!

Yep! We all understand the rules of engagement, monogamy is the starting point of a relationship and unless it has been discussed and agreed beforehand generally accepted that is how the relationship will progress.

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By *r Mahogany70Man
over a year ago

Leicester

I would find lying to me, stealing, undermining me in public, abusing my children and trying to manipulate me far more destructive than casual sex but looks like sex trumps the lot.

Gotta ask... You serious?

Why not?

So you're saying you wouldn't be bothered if your partner was fucking around behind your back?

If my partner wanted to fuck others she would tell me. I do not seek to inhibit her personal Bodily functions so she does not have to lie.

That's all well and good but I'm sure the many people who have been cheated on heard such promises from those that saw others behind their backs.

So, I'll ask again, would you be bothered if your partner fucked other people without your knowledge?

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

I would find lying to me, stealing, undermining me in public, abusing my children and trying to manipulate me far more destructive than casual sex but looks like sex trumps the lot.

Gotta ask... You serious?

Why not?

are you honestly comparing getting a haircut or seeing a gynaecologist to lying to your partner about having sex with someone else?

No I am not. I am suggesting that sex is just a bodily function and if it was not treated with religious reverence then partners who want to have casual sex with others would not be required to lie.

The hundreds of years of social and religious conditioning are never going to go away so we have to work with what we've got.

Have you considered that even people who embrace casual non-possessive sex for them selves might have no interest in furthering its adoption by society in general?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 03/03/14 20:07:18]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I would find lying to me, stealing, undermining me in public, abusing my children and trying to manipulate me far more destructive than casual sex but looks like sex trumps the lot.

Gotta ask... You serious?

Why not?

are you honestly comparing getting a haircut or seeing a gynaecologist to lying to your partner about having sex with someone else?

No I am not. I am suggesting that sex is just a bodily function and if it was not treated with religious reverence then partners who want to have casual sex with others would not be required to lie.

The hundreds of years of social and religious conditioning are never going to go away so we have to work with what we've got.

Have you considered that even people who embrace casual non-possessive sex for them selves might have no interest in furthering its adoption by society in general?"

No. Why would the have that double standard?

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By *oxy_minxWoman
over a year ago

Scotland - Aberdeen

"No I am not. I am suggesting that sex is just a bodily function and if it was not treated with religious reverence then partners who want to have casual sex with others would not be required to lie.

No, if someone wants to shag around with countless others, then they shouldn't pretend they want to be in a monogamous relationship!

It's the constant lies and disrespectfulness that gets in the way, not dipping your wick where it shouldn't be, just my 2p worth!

Exactly! Now this all happened to me when I was very early 20's, and like I said it's the lies and subterfuge that was the worst, and then trying to pick yourself up after all confidence has been manipulated away from you...

In my view, end the relationship and fuck all and who you want!

I wish now, I suggested an open relationship and see the reaction that would have been interesting!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I would find lying to me, stealing, undermining me in public, abusing my children and trying to manipulate me far more destructive than casual sex but looks like sex trumps the lot.

Gotta ask... You serious?

Why not?

So you're saying you wouldn't be bothered if your partner was fucking around behind your back?

If my partner wanted to fuck others she would tell me. I do not seek to inhibit her personal Bodily functions so she does not have to lie.

That's all well and good but I'm sure the many people who have been cheated on heard such promises from those that saw others behind their backs.

So, I'll ask again, would you be bothered if your partner fucked other people without your knowledge? "

I would be very surprised, confused, but other areas of the relationship are of far greater importance than physical sex.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Personally I don't find the cheating the bad part, it's the lying that comes with it! So if they was honest and upfront about it they'd stand more chance of forgiveness from me!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I would find lying to me, stealing, undermining me in public, abusing my children and trying to manipulate me far more destructive than casual sex but looks like sex trumps the lot. "

I have read all the others posts barracking you but I sympathise with your view.

As I see it you are putting an organ in someone's cavity or cavities. It's a physical act.

I'm not concerned who my husband sleeps with, I trust him implicitly and know he will never bring home problems or diseases. The same applies to me.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

No I couldn't forgive or forget any of the three

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By *litterbabeWoman
over a year ago

hiding from cock pics.

"Couldn't forgive any of them. I would be just as hurt knowing my partner had thought they were in love with someone else even if they never were physical with the other person.It shows cracks in the relationship and they should separate themselves from that person and figure out what is going wrong in their relationship so it can either be fixed - or ended.

Hear hear

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

I would find lying to me, stealing, undermining me in public, abusing my children and trying to manipulate me far more destructive than casual sex but looks like sex trumps the lot.

Gotta ask... You serious?

Why not?

are you honestly comparing getting a haircut or seeing a gynaecologist to lying to your partner about having sex with someone else?

No I am not. I am suggesting that sex is just a bodily function and if it was not treated with religious reverence then partners who want to have casual sex with others would not be required to lie.

The hundreds of years of social and religious conditioning are never going to go away so we have to work with what we've got.

Have you considered that even people who embrace casual non-possessive sex for them selves might have no interest in furthering its adoption by society in general?

No. Why would the have that double standard?"

The reasons that religion and society imposed restrictions and taboos on sexual behaviour are many and deep rooted, they wouldn't be so easy to overcome in my opinion even for some quite liberal minded people.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I would find lying to me, stealing, undermining me in public, abusing my children and trying to manipulate me far more destructive than casual sex but looks like sex trumps the lot.

I have read all the others posts barracking you but I sympathise with your view.

As I see it you are putting an organ in someone's cavity or cavities. It's a physical act.

I'm not concerned who my husband sleeps with, I trust him implicitly and know he will never bring home problems or diseases. The same applies to me."

Thank you. Isn't it freeing to the spirit and strengthening to the relationship when this pleasant but transitory physical act is confined to it proper place?

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By *oxy_minxWoman
over a year ago

Scotland - Aberdeen

I would find lying to me, stealing, undermining me in public, abusing my children and trying to manipulate me far more destructive than casual sex but looks like sex trumps the lot.

I have read all the others posts barracking you but I sympathise with your view.

As I see it you are putting an organ in someone's cavity or cavities. It's a physical act.

I'm not concerned who my husband sleeps with, I trust him implicitly and know he will never bring home problems or diseases. The same applies to me.

Thank you. Isn't it freeing to the spirit and strengthening to the relationship when this pleasant but transitory physical act is confined to it proper place?"

But your missing the point! Your both answering from an 'open relationship' point of view! Not the shagging around in a monogamous relationship! There is a huge difference!

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By *r Mahogany70Man
over a year ago

Leicester

I would find lying to me, stealing, undermining me in public, abusing my children and trying to manipulate me far more destructive than casual sex but looks like sex trumps the lot.

Gotta ask... You serious?

Why not?

So you're saying you wouldn't be bothered if your partner was fucking around behind your back?

If my partner wanted to fuck others she would tell me. I do not seek to inhibit her personal Bodily functions so she does not have to lie.

That's all well and good but I'm sure the many people who have been cheated on heard such promises from those that saw others behind their backs.

So, I'll ask again, would you be bothered if your partner fucked other people without your knowledge?

I would be very surprised, confused, but other areas of the relationship are of far greater importance than physical sex. "

That a yes or no?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I would find lying to me, stealing, undermining me in public, abusing my children and trying to manipulate me far more destructive than casual sex but looks like sex trumps the lot.

I have read all the others posts barracking you but I sympathise with your view.

As I see it you are putting an organ in someone's cavity or cavities. It's a physical act.

I'm not concerned who my husband sleeps with, I trust him implicitly and know he will never bring home problems or diseases. The same applies to me.

Thank you. Isn't it freeing to the spirit and strengthening to the relationship when this pleasant but transitory physical act is confined to it proper place?"

I suppose time will tell us the strength of our bond but yes I do feel quite free. At some point as we get old the physical act will diminish and maybe disappear (gulp) then you have what's left behind. In my case love, adoration, kinship, understanding and admiration for my man.

I feel sex is something I simply don't have to ever worry about because it's only sex. I love sex of course. Lots of sex.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I would find lying to me, stealing, undermining me in public, abusing my children and trying to manipulate me far more destructive than casual sex but looks like sex trumps the lot.

I have read all the others posts barracking you but I sympathise with your view.

As I see it you are putting an organ in someone's cavity or cavities. It's a physical act.

I'm not concerned who my husband sleeps with, I trust him implicitly and know he will never bring home problems or diseases. The same applies to me.

Thank you. Isn't it freeing to the spirit and strengthening to the relationship when this pleasant but transitory physical act is confined to it proper place?

But your missing the point! Your both answering from an 'open relationship' point of view! Not the shagging around in a monogamous relationship! There is a huge difference!

I would be hurt if he fell in love and left me. Other than that the things listed would not be insurmountable for me.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

I would find lying to me, stealing, undermining me in public, abusing my children and trying to manipulate me far more destructive than casual sex but looks like sex trumps the lot.

I have read all the others posts barracking you but I sympathise with your view.

As I see it you are putting an organ in someone's cavity or cavities. It's a physical act.

I'm not concerned who my husband sleeps with, I trust him implicitly and know he will never bring home problems or diseases. The same applies to me.

Thank you. Isn't it freeing to the spirit and strengthening to the relationship when this pleasant but transitory physical act is confined to it proper place?

But your missing the point! Your both answering from an 'open relationship' point of view! Not the shagging around in a monogamous relationship! There is a huge difference!

Exactly, if you go into a relationship expecting it to be monogomous whether or not other people are in open relationships or see sex as just a bodily function isn't relevant to you, neither does it make you inferior to them or invalidate your feelings of betrayal.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I would find lying to me, stealing, undermining me in public, abusing my children and trying to manipulate me far more destructive than casual sex but looks like sex trumps the lot.

Gotta ask... You serious?

Why not?

are you honestly comparing getting a haircut or seeing a gynaecologist to lying to your partner about having sex with someone else?

No I am not. I am suggesting that sex is just a bodily function and if it was not treated with religious reverence then partners who want to have casual sex with others would not be required to lie.

The hundreds of years of social and religious conditioning are never going to go away so we have to work with what we've got.

Have you considered that even people who embrace casual non-possessive sex for them selves might have no interest in furthering its adoption by society in general?

No. Why would the have that double standard?

Primarily the conditioning is based on trying to ensure conception ocurs within a stable relationships. Also men do not want to bring up another man's child.

Sterilisation and contraception have removed that threat and made sex a pleasant physical activity. Is it time we tried to catch up with the modern world?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Nope, wouldn't forgive any of them. If they don't have the balls to cut ties and walk away before they go dipping their wick, then I'd lose all respect for them anyway. "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I would find lying to me, stealing, undermining me in public, abusing my children and trying to manipulate me far more destructive than casual sex but looks like sex trumps the lot.

Gotta ask... You serious?

Why not?

So you're saying you wouldn't be bothered if your partner was fucking around behind your back?

If my partner wanted to fuck others she would tell me. I do not seek to inhibit her personal Bodily functions so she does not have to lie.

That's all well and good but I'm sure the many people who have been cheated on heard such promises from those that saw others behind their backs.

So, I'll ask again, would you be bothered if your partner fucked other people without your knowledge?

I would be very surprised, confused, but other areas of the relationship are of far greater importance than physical sex.

That a yes or no?"

I answered you. No.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It would be A for me, both B and C have happened to me in the past and I found both equally as hurtful, and couldnt forgive either of those men for them

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

I would find lying to me, stealing, undermining me in public, abusing my children and trying to manipulate me far more destructive than casual sex but looks like sex trumps the lot.

Gotta ask... You serious?

Why not?

are you honestly comparing getting a haircut or seeing a gynaecologist to lying to your partner about having sex with someone else?

No I am not. I am suggesting that sex is just a bodily function and if it was not treated with religious reverence then partners who want to have casual sex with others would not be required to lie.

The hundreds of years of social and religious conditioning are never going to go away so we have to work with what we've got.

Have you considered that even people who embrace casual non-possessive sex for them selves might have no interest in furthering its adoption by society in general?

No. Why would the have that double standard?

Primarily the conditioning is based on trying to ensure conception ocurs within a stable relationships. Also men do not want to bring up another man's child.

Sterilisation and contraception have removed that threat and made sex a pleasant physical activity. Is it time we tried to catch up with the modern world?

We have caught up with the modern world, we live in it and react to what is happening in it merely removing the risk of bringing up another mans child wont be reason enough for society to ditch its current values. I would argue that contraception has not brought about an increase of children being brought up in stable family units too.

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By *oxy_minxWoman
over a year ago

Scotland - Aberdeen

I would find lying to me, stealing, undermining me in public, abusing my children and trying to manipulate me far more destructive than casual sex but looks like sex trumps the lot.

I have read all the others posts barracking you but I sympathise with your view.

As I see it you are putting an organ in someone's cavity or cavities. It's a physical act.

I'm not concerned who my husband sleeps with, I trust him implicitly and know he will never bring home problems or diseases. The same applies to me.

Thank you. Isn't it freeing to the spirit and strengthening to the relationship when this pleasant but transitory physical act is confined to it proper place?

But your missing the point! Your both answering from an 'open relationship' point of view! Not the shagging around in a monogamous relationship! There is a huge difference!

Thank fook for that! I thought I was typing in invisible ink tonight!

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By *r Mahogany70Man
over a year ago

Leicester

Those of you that say sex is just sex... You'd be fine when your child reaches 16, gets a steady boy/girlfriend and has (safe) sex with various others and asks you not to tell his or her regular?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I would find lying to me, stealing, undermining me in public, abusing my children and trying to manipulate me far more destructive than casual sex but looks like sex trumps the lot.

I have read all the others posts barracking you but I sympathise with your view.

As I see it you are putting an organ in someone's cavity or cavities. It's a physical act.

I'm not concerned who my husband sleeps with, I trust him implicitly and know he will never bring home problems or diseases. The same applies to me.

Thank you. Isn't it freeing to the spirit and strengthening to the relationship when this pleasant but transitory physical act is confined to it proper place?

But your missing the point! Your both answering from an 'open relationship' point of view! Not the shagging around in a monogamous relationship! There is a huge difference!

I agree; so tell me, Why is a monogamous relationship something to be valued so highly?

People put up with violence, drinking, gambling, unemployment etc etc but as soon as the sexual taboo is broken they head for the hills and the high moral ground.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

None of them.

Just recently been trough this, my ex now threw away our lives and our children's lives for a six week affair with the next door neighbour last summer. He promised her the world and she found out he was nothing but a liar who did and said anything for a shag. They are no longer together and neither are we. A,B and C are all wrong for different reasons.

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By *r Mahogany70Man
over a year ago

Leicester

"None of them.

Sympathy for your pain, dude, but he seems perfect for Fab.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think it's a futile argument to be honest. Do you think anyone will change their stance, I've held this view my entire adult life and I'm sure everyone with an opposing view has too, it's a fascinating conversation though, best I've seen so far.

When I met my husband we discussed that neither of us wanted a relationship where monogamy was a factor so we removed a hurdle for both of us. It's made the cheating question pretty much null and void. As I said though if he fell in love with someone else and left I would be crushed but that could happen monogamy or not. I can think of far worse things that a person I trust could do than those three listed things.

We also decided we never wanted children so I can't answer the theoretical question about how I'd feel about that aspect.

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By *ay_yes_to_pinkyWoman
over a year ago

manchester

I couldn't forgive any of them tbh for me it's not the act it's the betrayal and lies. Lies in any sense either big or small is a huge thing for me I just couldn't forgive it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

after being cheated on by my hubby i wanted to cut his balls off and wear as ear ring,however we talked and sorted out the problem but would not forgive again

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

None, there is no excuse for cheating, they would be kicked well into touch!

cheating is deception and that annihilates the trust.

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By *oxy_minxWoman
over a year ago

Scotland - Aberdeen

I would find lying to me, stealing, undermining me in public, abusing my children and trying to manipulate me far more destructive than casual sex but looks like sex trumps the lot.

I have read all the others posts barracking you but I sympathise with your view.

As I see it you are putting an organ in someone's cavity or cavities. It's a physical act.

I'm not concerned who my husband sleeps with, I trust him implicitly and know he will never bring home problems or diseases. The same applies to me.

Thank you. Isn't it freeing to the spirit and strengthening to the relationship when this pleasant but transitory physical act is confined to it proper place?

But your missing the point! Your both answering from an 'open relationship' point of view! Not the shagging around in a monogamous relationship! There is a huge difference!

I agree; so tell me, Why is a monogamous relationship something to be valued so highly?

People put up with violence, drinking, gambling, unemployment etc etc but as soon as the sexual taboo is broken they head for the hills and the high moral ground. "

Eh? Are you for real? Are you seriously trying to tell me that all of your life you have been in an open relationship? I'm not saying that any of the above should or is condoned, as it shouldn't be, but it is the lying and pretending you love the person you are with, if you really thought you had the moral high ground, you would say at the start of any relationship 'hey love, I love you just now, just don't expect me to stay faithful'

I would love it if people did, but it will hardly ever happen! For some it is the deceit that turns them on! And the mind games.....don't even get me started on them....

As long as they get their cake and eat it!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I couldn't forgive any of them tbh for me it's not the act it's the betrayal and lies. Lies in any sense either big or small is a huge thing for me I just couldn't forgive it "

So is it the lies or the sexual act that is important? If you said he could go shag anything that moved he would not need to lie and there would be no betrayal. Yes?

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By *uzzybeWoman
over a year ago

Darlington

"The risk if damage comes not from the sexual act but from the thought behind it. I would rate anything involving emotion as far more damaging."

Totally agree.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 03/03/14 20:56:07]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

So if you have a marriage without sexual monogamy you're not in love? Guess that means most of the couples on here aren't in love cos guess what, they're not monogamous!

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By *oxy_minxWoman
over a year ago

Scotland - Aberdeen

"So if you have a marriage without sexual monogamy you're not in love? Guess that means most of the couples on here aren't in love cos guess what, they're not monogamous!"

Oh No I wouldn't say that at all! Sorry if it was my post that suggested that! I certainly didn't mean that in the slightest, I was actually trying to convey the honestly of it all and being open with it, not the deceitfulness, there is a big difference.

I sincerely believe you can have an open relationship and be totally in love with your partner and that will never change regardless of the amount of other partners.....So foot in mouth happens to me again!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I agree; so tell me, Why is a monogamous relationship something to be valued so highly?

People put up with violence, drinking, gambling, unemployment etc etc but as soon as the sexual taboo is broken they head for the hills and the high moral ground.

Eh? Are you for real? Are you seriously trying to tell me that all of your life you have been in an open relationship?

I'm not saying that any of the above should or is condoned, as it shouldn't be, but it is the lying and pretending you love the person you are with, if you really thought you had the moral high ground, you would say at the start of any relationship 'hey love, I love you just now, just don't expect me to stay faithful'

I would love it if people did, but it will hardly ever happen! For some it is the deceit that turns them on! And the mind games.....don't even get me started on them....

As long as they get their cake and eat it!

What I am trying to suggest is that if sex was confined to the realms of a passing physical act there would be no need to lie. And I do accept that lying is very damaging to a relationship.

If for instance one could say "I am going out for a shag" like you could say "I am going out for a haircut" then there would be no betrayal. It is the high importance that Religion and Society places on sex that creates the need to lie when it is being sought outside the relationship. So is it the sex act, or the lie that covers it, that causes the greatest damage?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"So if you have a marriage without sexual monogamy you're not in love? Guess that means most of the couples on here aren't in love cos guess what, they're not monogamous!

Haha, will let you off, was about to throw in the towel on 14 years based on your post. Kidding!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Nope, wouldn't forgive any of them. If they don't have the balls to cut ties and walk away before they go dipping their wick, then I'd lose all respect for them anyway. "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I was cheated on a long time ago and for me it wasn't the sexual indiscretions that hurt it was loss of trust, lack of respect and commitment that hurt, so I wouldn't forgive any of them.

I experienced much the same thing. My ex cheated repeatedly, but tried to make me feel paranoid when I suggested as much. It wasn't until after we split (after 16 years) that I discovered I'd been right all along. I realised then that I didn't care about the actual act, but the lies and deceipt I'll never forgive.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Monogamy is an act of commitment and sacrifice. Most couples on here that joined as couples will have begun their relationship as monogamous. It's a way of saying 'I'm giving you something special, my sex is for you and only you' once the trust and commitment is fully established and both parties know that through and through is when they can start pushing the boundaries with things like swinging.

People who swing seperately probably just have a stronger realisation of their commitment between each other, either that or someone wants to play away and the other is being taken for a fool. I like to think the first one is true however.

Cheating is easy to justify if you're the person doing it, not as easy to forgive if you're the one being cheated on.

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By *oxy_minxWoman
over a year ago

Scotland - Aberdeen

"So if you have a marriage without sexual monogamy you're not in love? Guess that means most of the couples on here aren't in love cos guess what, they're not monogamous!

Haha, will let you off, was about to throw in the towel on 14 years based on your post. Kidding!!"

Thank god for that!

And no religious intentions inferred either! Before that is picked up upon!

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By *ay_yes_to_pinkyWoman
over a year ago

manchester

"I couldn't forgive any of them tbh for me it's not the act it's the betrayal and lies. Lies in any sense either big or small is a huge thing for me I just couldn't forgive it

So is it the lies or the sexual act that is important? If you said he could go shag anything that moved he would not need to lie and there would be no betrayal. Yes?"

for me it would be the lies first then the act as after a particularly horrendous relationship where he just lied for the sake of lying and in the end it was me catching him out lying and cheating after him making me think I was going crazy even thou me and my hubby do swing together and separate being truthful and 100% honest is for and foremost and it's permission within our own set rules if either of us broke them that would be it full stop

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Monogamy is an act of commitment and sacrifice. Most couples on here that joined as couples will have begun their relationship as monogamous. It's a way of saying 'I'm giving you something special, my sex is for you and only you' once the trust and commitment is fully established and both parties know that through and through is when they can start pushing the boundaries with things like swinging.

Cheating is easy to justify if you're the person doing it, not as easy to forgive if you're the one being cheated on. "

Very good point although I think you are giving the person so much more than you sex, it's time, understanding and most fundamentally love. I didn't start off as monogamous so slightly different. First serious conversation I had with my now husband was a deal-breaker.

I need to know if he wanted children and if he was concerned with fidelity. Happily we are very much cut from the same cloth. Our bond is unshakeable and neither is taken for a fool thankfully.

We've spent our entire marriage with a freedom and honesty that I never dreamed possible for me (and like everyone else we've had some serious highs and lows)

Cheating to me therefore is nothing to do with sex, it's everything to do with lying.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

None I wouldn't forgive ide get rid. If your with someone it should just be the two of you, no one else if your not happy no need to cheat just finish it and move on

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"interesting slant...

see... you could "almost" forgive a one night stand in a town because you could say it was "flirting that had gone way too far"... or you could "blame it on the drink" "heat of the moment" ect ect...

but then being on a website and doing it takes some thinking about it... some plotting and schemeing... cold calculated decisions....

I said something similar on another thread earlier. I don't know if I could forgive any kind of cheating - the lack of trust leading to paranoia and stress would ruin the relationship anyway (been there, done that).

But depending on circumstances I would find a d*unken one night stand with a stranger more forgivable than my other half being on here behind my back as its much more calculated. I would never forgive that or an affair.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Final Thought?

In most of the interesting and well considered comments above there appears to have been a general acceptance that the sexual act per se is not of great consequence in the cheating; it is the lies and deceit that surround the organisation and covering of that act that matter.

Surely if we now start to give freedom to partners to pursue their sexual interests there will be fewer cases of otherwise perfectly good relationships, possibly involving innocent children, being ripped apart for what is a potentially meaningless bodily function?

We can then focus on those things that really matter like domestic violence, child abuse, theft, constant humiliation before others, constant nagging, attraction towards another of the opposite gender, alcoholism, malevolent manipulation, gamboling and not generally not contributing to the relationship.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I can't forgive or forget. I can put it to one side and move on

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By *cottishsexgoddessWoman
over a year ago

Glenrothes

It wouldn't just be the lying and the cheating, the fact that someone I loved was with another woman intimately would seriously screw with my head. However, I know me and, if I loved that man, I wouldn't give up, at least not initially. If he were to do it again however, that's a different story.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"Final Thought?

in my opinion its too simple to say that allowing each other freedom to have any sexual partner you like is enough to stop it being a cause for relationships breaking down. To me what sets my relationship with my partner apart from other relationships that I have is the fact that we have sex that because of our deep feelings for each other is on a level that could bever be achieved with a casual partner, our swinging activities are shared and as such are an extension of our mutual sex life. I think that sex should not be downgraded to just another bodily function so that having sex outwith your relationship becomes no more important to you than popping next door to shit in your neighbours toilet, I think it should be a carefuly considered act that you don't take on lightly and that involves careful thought. I think sex is of great consequence in the infidelity argument but other factors are even more so.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Final Thought?

I do agree with much of what you say. Sex between lovers, or "making love", is clearly better than casual sex. We have always met others together in recent times and that is because sex with others just adds a little spice to our sex life. Doing that has removed any desire for solo sex with others.

It would be nice to think that once sex outside marriage stops being perceived as a nuclear option in a relationship perhaps more otherwise excellent relationships will survive to full term.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Final Thought?

It would be nice to think that once sex outside marriage stops being perceived as a nuclear option in a relationship perhaps more otherwise excellent relationships will survive to full term.

"
communication is key I think

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By *zanyCouple
over a year ago

truro

So true it is the lack of trust that would do the damage to us. A trust is only broken once and is worth treasuring.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

We have a completly open marriage. There is no such thing as cheating in our marriage. She is free to fuck who ever she wants and the same goes for me

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By *litterbabeWoman
over a year ago

hiding from cock pics.

"So true it is the lack of trust that would do the damage to us. A trust is only broken once and is worth treasuring."

Exactly, like a crumpled piece of paper... Even smoothed over there will still be creases... You can only break it once, treat it with respect.....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"We have a completly open marriage. There is no such thing as cheating in our marriage. She is free to fuck who ever she wants and the same goes for me"

What about emotions though how would the pair of you feel of you found our the other was telling.others that they loved them

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

But she would not say she loves them because she doesnt. Thats where trust comes in. we have a rule if we start to have feelings for somebody else we cut it off. Has not happend yet.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I must be hard! I don't do forgiveness.

In the vanilla world - fuck someone else and you are gone! That was 19 years of marriage down the drain, have 2 great kids though and we have stayed friends.

In the fab world - fuck someone else without me, asking permission or letting me know beforehand - you are also gone!

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By *anemartinCouple
over a year ago

lochgelly

No way, none of them, if they are supposed to love you and want to be with you then unless swinging they shouldnt be having sex with any one else, wouldnt even have time to apologise to me, they would be out the door with their bags before they could say bobs your uncle! My ex cheated so this is the hard faced cow he left behind when I left him lol, put up with it once, never again. Mrs x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think this all depends on your tolerance levels, your deference to social norms and the importance you attach to sex outside marriage/long term relationship.

And of course I'm in no way suggesting this is the life for anyone else, people seem do very well as monogamous couples. So I'm not attacking monogamy I assure you. It's just not for me.

It was me that brought up the fidelity issue when we got together as I have never thought much of it as a concept, even within marriage. For me what binds two people is about so much more than fucking and a marriage is just as likely to fail where it's monogamous as not.

You have to be very communicative and very strong in self, relationship and partner to thrive like this.

We know EVERYTHING about each others solo encounters.

People either assume you are emotionally dead (definitely not) or think of sex as cold and clinical, or that it means you don't love your partner. None of these are further from the truth in our case.

Sex for me is not meaningless, it is fun, it's enjoyable and it's best with someone you have a connection with. Usually for both of us, someone funny is what does it! Sex is still always best with my husband because we know one another's bodies so well. Still we can both have great, connected sex with others.

Having this kind of relationship doesn't mean my partner doesn't love me or me him or that we're not committed. If you saw us together you'd see it very clearly. (sorry if this makes you want to puke) but we still have long lingering gazes in to each others eyes and grab one another's hands for no reason, in some senses this is more connecting than sex. Even a few swingers have commented on it over the years.

When either of us sees other people we have to really like them as people first and foremost. If either had doubts about the other person we'd say and discuss it and for my safety my husband meets with me in the first instance if I like a guy.

And there is really no great difference between swinging together and alone in terms of where it sits with fidelity, in both cases you are playing around, the only difference for us is your partner doesn't see it happening.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's rarely about just one person though and once I'd recovered from the murderous rage I hope I could look rationally at where we both went wrong

"
This is a very healthy way to approach this

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You definitely have to be a certain type of (probably quite odd) person to forgive. Especially so if the latter two examples laid out in the OP apply.

You also have to admit to yourself that the status quo is gone and isn't coming back anytime soon, if ever; yearning for things to be the way they were before the unfortunate event(s) leads, inexorably, towards further pain and suffering.

Picking through the rubble in search of a new kind of normal is certainly possible though.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I must be hard! I don't do forgiveness.

In the vanilla world - fuck someone else and you are gone! That was 19 years of marriage down the drain, have 2 great kids though and we have stayed friends.

In the fab world - fuck someone else without me, asking permission or letting me know beforehand - you are also gone!

Why was the sex act so important to you that you would throw away 19 years of marriage over it when you are happy for your current partner to fuck other women?

What other event in your 19 year marriage could have had the same immediate nuclear effect as sexual infidelity?

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"You definitely have to be a certain type of (probably quite odd) person to forgive. Especially so if the latter two examples laid out in the OP apply.

Picking through the rubble in search of a new kind of normal is certainly possible though."

Being able to forgive doesn't make a person quite odd in my opinion anyway. I think we've all come across the bitter unhappy people who find forgiveness impossible, it's necessary to move on and live your life it doesn't mean you stay with the person it forget what happened though.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Although I can harbour a grudge a la Mr MacKay, forgiveness is one of the most powerful attributes you can have, otherwise you can be stuck in a moment or situation that prevents you from ever having a normal life again. Having been faced with the OPs question, in particular option C, we decided to cut our losses after a good stab at making things work. A one night stand or three can be understandable, in my eyes a full-blown affair says the relationship is scuppered.

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