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"I must start off this thread with a disclaimer. I am not into BDSM in general and not into D/s sex either. Have come across a few Doms in my time though and would like to understand why Doms do it. I imagine there must be a psychological explanation. Eg: dominant women in their past which they want to get over by dominating the women in their present... Or am I overthinking it and it's just a matter of preference? So if you are a Dom, tell me, why do you do it?" I can't give you a Dom or domme point of view but as a sub I know I have the ultimate control, I give myself over let myself be controlled, directed and get a huge amount of pleasure from having the control taken from me. It is all based on trust, respect and turn you on inside your mind first. | |||
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" I can't give you a Dom or domme point of view but as a sub I know I have the ultimate control, I give myself over let myself be controlled, directed and get a huge amount of pleasure from having the control taken from me. It is all based on trust, respect and turn you on inside your mind first. "  | |||
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" I can't give you a Dom or domme point of view but as a sub I know I have the ultimate control, I give myself over let myself be controlled, directed and get a huge amount of pleasure from having the control taken from me. It is all based on trust, respect and turn you on inside your mind first. "Very well put  There are 2kinds of doms, the ones that just want to boss women (or men) around and act the big 'i am' with no thought at all.Then there's the doms that understand a real submissive and as the other person said, will capture their mind first.I believe it's something in you that's always been there, to be a sub or a dom in the true sense. | |||
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"I must start off this thread with a disclaimer. I am not into BDSM in general and not into D/s sex either. Have come across a few Doms in my time though and would like to understand why Doms do it. I imagine there must be a psychological explanation. Eg: dominant women in their past which they want to get over by dominating the women in their present... Or am I overthinking it and it's just a matter of preference? So if you are a Dom, tell me, why do you do it? I can't give you a Dom or domme point of view but as a sub I know I have the ultimate control, I give myself over let myself be controlled, directed and get a huge amount of pleasure from having the control taken from me. It is all based on trust, respect and turn you on inside your mind first. " | |||
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"I must start off this thread with a disclaimer. I am not into BDSM in general and not into D/s sex either. Have come across a few Doms in my time though and would like to understand why Doms do it. I imagine there must be a psychological explanation. Eg: dominant women in their past which they want to get over by dominating the women in their present... Or am I overthinking it and it's just a matter of preference? So if you are a Dom, tell me, why do you do it?" there is a distict difference between being a Dom and being dominant with someome. A Dom lends itself to a relationship, a responsibitlity to a sub. Being dominant means you just like to take control in the bedroom. You are right, you are over thinking it a little - it is just something that 2 people experience. If someone doesn't like to take control in the bedroom, they are not going to go for someone that minces around or prods without experience. Similarily, somone who likes to take control, isnt going to have the best of meets with someone who jumps their bones like a rag doll as they will just clash. But there is a difference between the two in either case  | |||
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" A Dom lends itself to a relationship, a responsibitlity to a sub. Being dominant means you just like to take control in the bedroom. " I'm also going to say that any man who is dominant ALWAYS has a responsibility to his sub. even in casual D/s play the safety and well being of a submissive is always my number one priority. | |||
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" A Dom lends itself to a relationship, a responsibitlity to a sub. Being dominant means you just like to take control in the bedroom. I'm also going to say that any man who is dominant ALWAYS has a responsibility to his sub. even in casual D/s play the safety and well being of a submissive is always my number one priority. " | |||
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"I think you could probably deep dive into the psychology of it and maybe try picking out a defining moment but for me its really just as simple as the fact that I am naturally the way I am, confident, sexual, assertive and that plays over into my sex life. Combine those personality traits with a sexually intelligent mind and you open up a world of thing that I am good at sexually and that appeals to submissive women. It is a lot like asking what makes some one gay, what makes someone Bi, It doesn't work like that - In the past I have spoken with 'Domme' women (I put the term in quotes because I real Domme would never suggest such a thing) who have suggested they could make me submit to them - I always reply asking if they would say to a gay guy 'I bet i could make you want to fuck me' Because for me my dominant side is that much of a part of me and my sexuality so in short - I am naturally dominant but am not always a dom when it comes to sex" Thanks, this really helps in my understanding of it. I had never thought of it that way. | |||
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" A Dom lends itself to a relationship, a responsibitlity to a sub. Being dominant means you just like to take control in the bedroom. I'm also going to say that any man who is dominant ALWAYS has a responsibility to his sub. even in casual D/s play the safety and well being of a submissive is always my number one priority. " There in lies the general mistake made by Dom's and dominants. No man HAS a sub unless they are a "Dom". On the other hand, whilst the dominant has a responsibility if they are entering play that may push boundaries. The submissive (in this case) would have more say if things got too hard. The "Submissive" in a strictly D/S a relationship, would usually take more discipline/punnishment/play as there would be a tacit understanding that the Dom is testing, training or forfilling something they felt was required. The difference being is a D/S relationship and a general meet of play where a dominant may assert an amount of control. | |||
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" A Dom lends itself to a relationship, a responsibitlity to a sub. Being dominant means you just like to take control in the bedroom. I'm also going to say that any man who is dominant ALWAYS has a responsibility to his sub. even in casual D/s play the safety and well being of a submissive is always my number one priority. There in lies the general mistake made by Dom's and dominants. No man HAS a sub unless they are a "Dom". On the other hand, whilst the dominant has a responsibility if they are entering play that may push boundaries. The submissive (in this case) would have more say if things got too hard. The "Submissive" in a strictly D/S a relationship, would usually take more discipline/punnishment/play as there would be a tacit understanding that the Dom is testing, training or forfilling something they felt was required. The difference being is a D/S relationship and a general meet of play where a dominant may assert an amount of control." Im not so hung up on the labels and protocol as others in the BDSM community can be - what I was getting at is that regardless of the dynamic, be it casual D/s play (where for the duration of the scene the submissive is for all intents and purposes YOURS) or a full 24/7 D/s relationship - the responsibility you have to that submissive doesn't change | |||
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" A Dom lends itself to a relationship, a responsibitlity to a sub. Being dominant means you just like to take control in the bedroom. I'm also going to say that any man who is dominant ALWAYS has a responsibility to his sub. even in casual D/s play the safety and well being of a submissive is always my number one priority. There in lies the general mistake made by Dom's and dominants. No man HAS a sub unless they are a "Dom". On the other hand, whilst the dominant has a responsibility if they are entering play that may push boundaries. The submissive (in this case) would have more say if things got too hard. The "Submissive" in a strictly D/S a relationship, would usually take more discipline/punnishment/play as there would be a tacit understanding that the Dom is testing, training or forfilling something they felt was required. The difference being is a D/S relationship and a general meet of play where a dominant may assert an amount of control. Im not so hung up on the labels and protocol as others in the BDSM community can be - what I was getting at is that regardless of the dynamic, be it casual D/s play (where for the duration of the scene the submissive is for all intents and purposes YOURS) or a full 24/7 D/s relationship - the responsibility you have to that submissive doesn't change" 100% agree with this. It doesn't matter with it is casual or a full blown D/s relationship. It doesn't matter if it is a 10 year experienced sub or none atall. The responsibility is with the Dom/Dominant. I might not be someone's Dom but if I am in a Dominant role then the responsibility is mine. Also just because a sub is in D/s relationship has no reflection on 'how much they take'. Some masocist subs will take huge amounts in comparison to a full blown D/s relationship where no physical punisent has been agreed for example. Each sub has their own limits, as does each Dominant. | |||
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" A Dom lends itself to a relationship, a responsibitlity to a sub. Being dominant means you just like to take control in the bedroom. I'm also going to say that any man who is dominant ALWAYS has a responsibility to his sub. even in casual D/s play the safety and well being of a submissive is always my number one priority. There in lies the general mistake made by Dom's and dominants. No man HAS a sub unless they are a "Dom". On the other hand, whilst the dominant has a responsibility if they are entering play that may push boundaries. The submissive (in this case) would have more say if things got too hard. The "Submissive" in a strictly D/S a relationship, would usually take more discipline/punnishment/play as there would be a tacit understanding that the Dom is testing, training or forfilling something they felt was required. The difference being is a D/S relationship and a general meet of play where a dominant may assert an amount of control. Im not so hung up on the labels and protocol as others in the BDSM community can be - what I was getting at is that regardless of the dynamic, be it casual D/s play (where for the duration of the scene the submissive is for all intents and purposes YOURS) or a full 24/7 D/s relationship - the responsibility you have to that submissive doesn't change" "the responsibility you have to that submissive doesn't change" I aggree. But to say a you did in your last that "dominant ALWAYS has a responsibility to HIS sub" is wrong. In ther second case - a case of general power exchange on a meet. The submissive is not HIS. They are their own person who are out of the dominants ownership and therefore are not 'answerable'. You are never going to play on a casual meet as hard as you would with a submissive in a D/S relationship. To jusify that a dominant somehow has the right to enact play, because at that one time of meeting the submissive is THEIRS is wrong. It further should not be made an excuse to guys who lable themselves and Doms and allow actions to be justfied under d/s play. In juxtaposition in a true D/S relationship, as I have said, discipline would go further - and this is where reponsibilty truely comes in, as you would push, such is the relationship. | |||
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" to say a you did in your last that "dominant ALWAYS has a responsibility to HIS sub" is wrong. In ther second case - a case of general power exchange on a meet. The submissive is not HIS." You are focusing too much on the perceived titles and specific naming conventions i will try and be clearer When a Dom/Dominant plays with someone who is a sub/submissive he always has a responsibility to that persons And I have had casual play with a submissive where limits have been discussed before hand and pushed during casual play - but don't get me started on the 'one size fits all' model for BDSM that some people seem to have | |||
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" to say a you did in your last that "dominant ALWAYS has a responsibility to HIS sub" is wrong. In ther second case - a case of general power exchange on a meet. The submissive is not HIS. You are focusing too much on the perceived titles and specific naming conventions i will try and be clearer When a Dom/Dominant plays with someone who is a sub/submissive he always has a responsibility to that persons And I have had casual play with a submissive where limits have been discussed before hand and pushed during casual play - but don't get me started on the 'one size fits all' model for BDSM that some people seem to have" So casual play, Dom or dominant, you always have responsibility of safety. So really there is no discussion here. We might aa well be talking about general safety when meeting. If there is no difference between casual play and domination, then why bother labelling yourself as a Dom at all? Because, you want to fit into that model. The model that is implicit with play that isn't safe. | |||
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"Huh? How can you play in a scene as someone's Dominant if, for the duration of that scene the submissive has not agreed to submit to you and therefore become your submissive if only for the duration of that scene? They would not be owned by you as they would not be wearing your collar but for the purposes of play they would have to offer their submission?" I'm not talking of playing within a scene. I am taking about the difference in guys perceiving themselves as dominant and those who are Doms. A dominant guy could mean anything from pulling your hair to spanking your arse. A guy labelling himself as a Dom on the other hand implies harder play. There is an expectation with a Dom that isn't there with someone who is simply dominant. As I have said, someone playing with a dominant got could easily stop or change what is happening. With a Dom, simply because of the play, they are more responsible for wellbeing because of the role they assume. | |||
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"I'm not talking of playing within a scene. I am taking about the difference in guys perceiving themselves as dominant and those who are Doms. A dominant guy could mean anything from pulling your hair to spanking your arse. A guy labelling himself as a Dom on the other hand implies harder play." In my opinion your talking twaddle! D/s has no specific connection to any particular type of physical play other than as a stereotypical role play. | |||
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"I'm not talking of playing within a scene. I am taking about the difference in guys perceiving themselves as dominant and those who are Doms. A dominant guy could mean anything from pulling your hair to spanking your arse. A guy labelling himself as a Dom on the other hand implies harder play. In my opinion your talking twaddle! D/s has no specific connection to any particular type of physical play other than as a stereotypical role play. " Okay. So it's also safe to assume you don't believe there is any difference between dominant guys and Doms. Which is what I was trying to clarify to the OP | |||
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"I am a dom, but what we term a daddy dom, ie I want to look out for the well-being of my partner and satisfy her needs and desires. She needs a controlling (read that as decision making not abusive) person to steer her and let her blossom without the fear of failure. For the most part subbing is about giving control to another so that you can be free to experience without fear or guilt. Its a beautiful thing but requires the ultimate trust. For me its about making people realise their dreams and allowing me to help them grow, by them relinquishing control to me they give me the ultimate gift. True trust and in my wife's case - love. " Now this post is refreshing - and interesting, because I always wonder why it is that the question of dominance and submission is nearly always linked with name-calling, hair pulling, spanking etc , so called discipline and punishment which has zero appeal to me! Issues of authority and power and initiative are fascinating to me, I have studied them in various contexts - for instance the training of horses. Dominance in that context would never be about a right to dominATE or punish - but should be about achieving better synchronicity, unity, closeness, an enhancement of the dance, a more **unguarded** mutual awareness and yielding, greater intimacy.....now that kind of area is much more interesting to my mind. Maybe that's more a deep relationship rather than play subject though, so not so suitable for 'swinging' contexts? | |||
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"I am a dom, but what we term a daddy dom, ie I want to look out for the well-being of my partner and satisfy her needs and desires. She needs a controlling (read that as decision making not abusive) person to steer her and let her blossom without the fear of failure. For the most part subbing is about giving control to another so that you can be free to experience without fear or guilt. Its a beautiful thing but requires the ultimate trust. For me its about making people realise their dreams and allowing me to help them grow, by them relinquishing control to me they give me the ultimate gift. True trust and in my wife's case - love. Now this post is refreshing - and interesting, because I always wonder why it is that the question of dominance and submission is nearly always linked with name-calling, hair pulling, spanking etc , so called discipline and punishment which has zero appeal to me! Issues of authority and power and initiative are fascinating to me, I have studied them in various contexts - for instance the training of horses. Dominance in that context would never be about a right to dominATE or punish - but should be about achieving better synchronicity, unity, closeness, an enhancement of the dance, a more **unguarded** mutual awareness and yielding, greater intimacy.....now that kind of area is much more interesting to my mind. Maybe that's more a deep relationship rather than play subject though, so not so suitable for 'swinging' contexts?" Which is what I an trying to get across. In the instance of "mutual awareness" you talk about, that would be a Dom: as they have an implicit responsibility to the sub... to train put play out that what they like. | |||
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"@My Favorite Thing. I think I have just understood. Are you talking about a Dom playing in a BDSM scene. As apposed to a Dominant natured guy at a meet on the swinging scene? I am a Dom with what can be a very Dominant nature but that is given very little rein when we swing because it is not to everyone's taste. In that sense when we swing I am assertive and know what I want but I do not try to Dominate anyone. Is that what you mean?" Yes, there is a clear distinction between a Dom and someone who says they are dominant. I thought it need to be cleared up as the OP makes reference to a dom. (even then there are people who take advantage of both tag lines, but that's a different thread) | |||
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"For me, it is part of my nature most of the Dominants, Dommes that try to understand it, better themselves and provide what's needed for both parties have it in their nature already. They take that Dominant nature and through research, practice and understanding turn it into something more. By providing for the needs of my submissive and seeing her reaction to that is the thrill for me. In the bedroom that is obviously usually sexual, but out of the bedroom aswell it gives a 'satisfaction' or forfills a drive inside? It's a ying and yang thing I am more with my submissive and she is more with me. Is that what you were after? It's actually quite a challenging question lol" | |||
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"I'm confused!" Haha, me too, there seem to be multiple definitions..... | |||
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"I am a dom, but what we term a daddy dom, ie I want to look out for the well-being of my partner and satisfy her needs and desires. She needs a controlling (read that as decision making not abusive) person to steer her and let her blossom without the fear of failure. For the most part subbing is about giving control to another so that you can be free to experience without fear or guilt. Its a beautiful thing but requires the ultimate trust. For me its about making people realise their dreams and allowing me to help them grow, by them relinquishing control to me they give me the ultimate gift. True trust and in my wife's case - love. " amen too that!...fem x | |||
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"I'm confused!" there is no definitive answer, people are Dom and sub for lots of different reasons and those reasons are unique from person to person. As for definitions of what it means to be a Dom or dominant a sub or submissive it means what you want it to mean and you interpret it how you want for it to suit your dynamic. what works for one and allows someone to submit will probably not work for the next it's not like a instruction manual you have to learn and adapt and find what works in different situations. or you could just read 50 shades, get a flogger advertise for a sub and your away !!! | |||
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"I'm confused!" You have capitalised the use of Dom. In the strict sense you have given them title. That means they are to be used by that title "Dom" (Sir or Master are simialr). This then means bdsm play. The use of dominant - is only that. No command of title and therefore no imposed respect as such (other than what is given). Someone dominant does not do the things or have the desired wants of a Dom. A dominant would simply like this or that position - effectively doing all the work on a meet. A 'Dom' would have a higher agenda, that being direct responisibilty to their actions as both they and the sub want the same thing - control and submission. Role plays each having their parts to play out. I am not saying the dominant doesn't have any responsibility, just they are only your average person, that they like anyone else who meets should be responsible for what they do with others. To extend what I said about people assuming both Dom and dominant titles. As a quick example; a guy describing himself as 'athletic' may have a pornch, a couple describing themselves as attractive may be average looking. Dom and dominant can be userpted, by people wanting an assumed respect, when in fact they have no experience of what is meant by each...  | |||
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"I'm not talking of playing within a scene. I am taking about the difference in guys perceiving themselves as dominant and those who are Doms. A dominant guy could mean anything from pulling your hair to spanking your arse. A guy labelling himself as a Dom on the other hand implies harder play. In my opinion your talking twaddle! D/s has no specific connection to any particular type of physical play other than as a stereotypical role play. Okay. So it's also safe to assume you don't believe there is any difference between dominant guys and Doms. Which is what I was trying to clarify to the OP" NO. I am making the point your assigning stereotypical behaviours to the label D/s which in reality are not there. Physical pain is used as a punishment in very few D/relationships. Others on this thread have already eloquently pointed this out. The leather trousered shouty man who hurts and abuses a woman is to D/s what porn star sex is to real sex. Traditionally on the kink scene the distinction between a person in charge in a specific context and somebody who controls a relationship is to label the former Top and the latter Dom/me. | |||
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"I'm not talking of playing within a scene. I am taking about the difference in guys perceiving themselves as dominant and those who are Doms. A dominant guy could mean anything from pulling your hair to spanking your arse. A guy labelling himself as a Dom on the other hand implies harder play. In my opinion your talking twaddle! D/s has no specific connection to any particular type of physical play other than as a stereotypical role play. Okay. So it's also safe to assume you don't believe there is any difference between dominant guys and Doms. Which is what I was trying to clarify to the OP NO. I am making the point your assigning stereotypical behaviours to the label D/s which in reality are not there. Physical pain is used as a punishment in very few D/relationships. Others on this thread have already eloquently pointed this out. The leather trousered shouty man who hurts and abuses a woman is to D/s what porn star sex is to real sex. Traditionally on the kink scene the distinction between a person in charge in a specific context and somebody who controls a relationship is to label the former Top and the latter Dom/me. " So what does bdsm consist of again. Just so as we call all distinguish it from what is known as vanilla sex? | |||
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"I am a dom, but what we term a daddy dom, ie I want to look out for the well-being of my partner and satisfy her needs and desires. She needs a controlling (read that as decision making not abusive) person to steer her and let her blossom without the fear of failure. For the most part subbing is about giving control to another so that you can be free to experience without fear or guilt. Its a beautiful thing but requires the ultimate trust. For me its about making people realise their dreams and allowing me to help them grow, by them relinquishing control to me they give me the ultimate gift. True trust and in my wife's case - love. Now this post is refreshing - and interesting, because I always wonder why it is that the question of dominance and submission is nearly always linked with name-calling, hair pulling, spanking etc , so called discipline and punishment which has zero appeal to me! Issues of authority and power and initiative are fascinating to me, I have studied them in various contexts - for instance the training of horses. Dominance in that context would never be about a right to dominATE or punish - but should be about achieving better synchronicity, unity, closeness, an enhancement of the dance, a more **unguarded** mutual awareness and yielding, greater intimacy.....now that kind of area is much more interesting to my mind. Maybe that's more a deep relationship rather than play subject though, so not so suitable for 'swinging' contexts?" You are closer than you think. I have seen horses being trained and its very similar in its context. Most Doms think its about pushing boundaries and to a certain extent it is. But its mostly about attaining trust. When you first approach a wild horse you don't beat it until it submits, you gain its trust, in fact its the opposite of what most doms normally do. Instead of punishing, I want to proove that I WONT hurt you. In my experience being a dom is about getting inside the head of a submissive and understanding them. It does not matter if its a hard core scene or a Fab meet, if you have a sumbissive side, I will find it and ill cultivate it and show you how to express it. Xxx | |||
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" You are closer than you think. I have seen horses being trained and its very similar in its context. Most Doms think its about pushing boundaries and to a certain extent it is. But its mostly about attaining trust. When you first approach a wild horse you don't beat it until it submits, you gain its trust, in fact its the opposite of what most doms normally do. Instead of punishing, I want to proove that I WONT hurt you. Xxx" Exactly. And yet the biggest thrill for me as a trainer is working with a dominant horse and having them willingly yield softly to me. They will only trust you if they are certain of your good intentions and you are 100% consistent. Any idiot can work an already submissive horse! But as I say,I would not ever ask a horse to yield to me in order to hurt or abuse it - so that bit just does not compute to me. I am not a submissive person at all really, indomitable I would say, and I would never tolerate abuse. And yet I love the type of man I can respect and trust enough to cede control to. They are a rare breed. Thanks for the comments. x | |||
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"I still suspect that Doms have a history of independent women, maybe some one who has rejected them in their lives, some one who did not need them or whom they could not protect and they try to counteract that by playing the Dom role in a play or relationship setting. But I could be wrong.... " loads of reasons as to why people play like they play as you know. You'd be more amazed at what some of the women put up with though. There is some kind of justification of play given to 'a Dom', simply because of that supposed title - but, this is now bordering on a thread that will fetch a multitude of replies on bdsm play not dom/Doms etc... | |||
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"I still suspect that Doms have a history of independent women, maybe some one who has rejected them in their lives, some one who did not need them or whom they could not protect and they try to counteract that by playing the Dom role in a play or relationship setting. But I could be wrong.... " You could be very wrong - thats like saying - there must be a reason someone is gay.. It cant possibly be down to something as simple as it just being who they are can it? I guess it may be possible for someone to want to regain a little 'face' by becoming dominant due to rejection but at best those people would only be role playing as dominant. Certainly for me it is just the way I am | |||
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"Because I am Dom, and my sub, is sub. Two sides of same coin. Otherwise far too much psychobabble here. Be happy with what u are. "Exactly  | |||
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