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Disability : When to disclose it?

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By *rummagem OP   Man
over a year ago

Bedworth/Nuneaton

What are people's opinions on this? If they consider themselves disabled, should people disclose their disability on their profile, or tell people when they have exchanged messages? Do they necessarily have to disclose it at all?

Naturally, bringing a working dog to a meet could give off the wrong kind of signals...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Be up front from the outset and let the person/s make up their minds with all the facts. Hiding anything won't do any favours at all

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Be up front from the outset and let the person/s make up their minds with all the facts. Hiding anything won't do any favours at all"

This...

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By *oe_Steve_NWestCouple
over a year ago

Bolton


"Be up front from the outset and let the person/s make up their minds with all the facts. Hiding anything won't do any favours at all"

Definitely this, Z

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think it should be disclosed on profile from outset, so people are clear of what you are before messaging stage.

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By *rummagem OP   Man
over a year ago

Bedworth/Nuneaton

Thanks to everyone who has responded so far.

Hadn't considered myself to be hiding the fact that I was deaf. As it doesn't get in the way of my everyday life, I just didn't consider it relevant?

But I suppose that's because it's such an integral part of my identity, that I forget that other people might like to be aware of it, especially on the internet where it's not obvious.

The reason for the post is that a couple of people who've known me and my family for the last 40 years were recently shocked to find out that I was deaf as they'd never realised in all that time!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I am waiting for 2 hip replacements-should I sdd it to my profile

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think if it affects your appearance, your ability to communicate with people or your ability to get around then you should mention it on your profile.

Some people won't care, some people will. You're empowering people to make that choice (and do you really want to get your hopes up on someone and then find out they're not interested because of it?)

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By *reelove1969Couple
over a year ago

bristol

I would also prefer to know from the outset as well so I can make an informed decision whether we wish to proceed. This said if your deafness is really not that obvious that most people don't even realise then I would mention that as well, when stating that you are deaf as it really wouldn't bother me

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By *ophieslutTV/TS
over a year ago

Central

Not everyone has a right to know our intimate details, potentially not even meets. Sometimes things are on a 'need to know' basis, though I believe in honesty.

Usually we reveal ourselves bit by bit to others, not giving everything at once. Whilst it's important not to waste time - yours or potential partners, I'd probably advise you to get feedback from people that know you as well as on here. We're all going to be biased, and I care for disabled people, so have mine too.

I feel that I can't advise you too much more, as I haven't been in your company, and got a feel for how your disability affects interaction. If it's limited, then you may not have to say too much, merely mention how your issue affects communication, and see how your potential partner reacts.

Most of all, they're meeting the full person, not a caricature of a disabled person. Decent people won't care, in general.

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By *eryBigGirlWoman
over a year ago

East Yorkshire

I think upfront is the way to go. I suffer from a genetic illness which I have put basic details of in my profile as it's not exactly going to be easy to hide when one leg is much bigger than the other when the clothes come off. No need to go into details on the profile but if it's there then people can ask and decide if a meet is an option.

I've found that my disability is a barrier more for me than other people but then I have to get my head round that one!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Cool profile. It helps to know you can't talk on the phone as some people might find that weird... if they didn't know. Other than that I agree with the other posts, it's better to mention it up front.

Good luck. x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Thanks to everyone who has responded so far.

Hadn't considered myself to be hiding the fact that I was deaf. As it doesn't get in the way of my everyday life, I just didn't consider it relevant?

But I suppose that's because it's such an integral part of my identity, that I forget that other people might like to be aware of it, especially on the internet where it's not obvious.

The reason for the post is that a couple of people who've known me and my family for the last 40 years were recently shocked to find out that I was deaf as they'd never realised in all that time! "

Did they not wonder about the dog?

Being deaf would make no difference to me at all,bringing a working dog along to a meet is something that should be discussed beforehand though purely as a courtesy thing

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I believe in honesty from the outset but I am no longer putting personal details of my disabilities on my profile.

I have done this in the past and it lead to people only emailing me for further details of what they were, with no interest in me at all. Alternatively some people approached me like a piece of meat demanding to know if I could perform this way or that, so I could satisfy them before they would talk with me further.

Now I see how the conversation is going. If someone is interested in me and it seems likely that it could proceed to a meet then I tell them straight away.

The one time I didnt do this it bit me in the ass - a guy I chatted to for weeks - was going to meet - and I had to call it off because I was too ashamed of the fact I didnt match up to the normally abled women he had been with.

I have a facial prosthetic and a genetic bone disability for anyone who might wonder.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A myth that is firmly upheld is that disabled people are dependent and non-disabled people are independent. No one is actually independent. This is a myth perpetuated by disablism and driven by capitalism - we are all actually interdependent. Chances are, disabled or not, you don’t grow all of your food. Chances are, you didn’t build the car, bike, wheelchair, subway, shoes, or bus that transports you. Chances are you didn’t construct your home. Chances are you didn’t sew your clothing (or make the fabric and thread used to sew it). The difference between the needs that many disabled people have and the needs of people who are not labelled as disabled is that non-disabled people have had their dependencies normalized. The world has been built to accommodate certain needs and call the people who need those things independent, while other needs are considered exceptional. Each of us relies on others every day. We all rely on one another for support, resources, and to meet our needs. We are all interdependent. This interdependence is not weakness; rather, it is a part of our humanity

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By *eryBigGirlWoman
over a year ago

East Yorkshire


"I believe in honesty from the outset but I am no longer putting personal details of my disabilities on my profile.

I have done this in the past and it lead to people only emailing me for further details of what they were, with no interest in me at all. Alternatively some people approached me like a piece of meat demanding to know if I could perform this way or that, so I could satisfy them before they would talk with me further.

Now I see how the conversation is going. If someone is interested in me and it seems likely that it could proceed to a meet then I tell them straight away.

The one time I didnt do this it bit me in the ass - a guy I chatted to for weeks - was going to meet - and I had to call it off because I was too ashamed of the fact I didnt match up to the normally abled women he had been with.

I have a facial prosthetic and a genetic bone disability for anyone who might wonder. "

He should be the ashamed one not you!!! What's normal anyway. I hate that word with a passion. Everyone is different in their own way and should be celebrated for that not made to feel ashamed

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By *iss_tressWoman
over a year ago

London

I don't contact people, they contact me. They know how I play so they know if they can fulfill my needs or not.

I meet socially, so if we couldn't communicate over cover it wouldn't go any further.

We don't need to divulge the minutiae of our lives, but anything that will affect play should be shared I think.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I believe in honesty from the outset but I am no longer putting personal details of my disabilities on my profile.

I have done this in the past and it lead to people only emailing me for further details of what they were, with no interest in me at all. Alternatively some people approached me like a piece of meat demanding to know if I could perform this way or that, so I could satisfy them before they would talk with me further.

Now I see how the conversation is going. If someone is interested in me and it seems likely that it could proceed to a meet then I tell them straight away.

The one time I didnt do this it bit me in the ass - a guy I chatted to for weeks - was going to meet - and I had to call it off because I was too ashamed of the fact I didnt match up to the normally abled women he had been with.

I have a facial prosthetic and a genetic bone disability for anyone who might wonder.

He should be the ashamed one not you!!! What's normal anyway. I hate that word with a passion. Everyone is different in their own way and should be celebrated for that not made to feel ashamed "

It's difficult though isn't it? Sometimes when I stand next to someone without a disability my confidence just disappears. Sometimes I feel like I don't compare. So it is hard to disclose at times, especially if the other persons meets are all gorgeous. But putting it on the profile isnt an option. It almost feels like people just see you as a disability when nearly every mail you get asks about it.

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By *rummagem OP   Man
over a year ago

Bedworth/Nuneaton


"Thanks to everyone who has responded so far.

Hadn't considered myself to be hiding the fact that I was deaf. As it doesn't get in the way of my everyday life, I just didn't consider it relevant?

But I suppose that's because it's such an integral part of my identity, that I forget that other people might like to be aware of it, especially on the internet where it's not obvious.

The reason for the post is that a couple of people who've known me and my family for the last 40 years were recently shocked to find out that I was deaf as they'd never realised in all that time!

Did they not wonder about the dog?

Being deaf would make no difference to me at all,bringing a working dog along to a meet is something that should be discussed beforehand though purely as a courtesy thing "

They didn't see me regularly with my Hearing Dog, and apparently assumed I worked as a volunteer trainer for Hearing Dogs for Deaf People! But then again, if I didn't fit their preconceptions of what a deaf person was like, I guess it explains that assumption.

And I was joking when I wrote about turning up at a meet, without mentioning the dog beforehand!

As a matter of record, she's one of the reasons I wouldn't do a one night stand with a stranger, in case they both disappeared the next morning while I was asleep!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This is an interesting thread. I too have a disability or deafness and as such also have a hearing dog. Although I lip read very well my deafness was later on in life so guess I am lucky to have heard sounds. It has not impeded me at all and to be honest as much as I love this site if I am turned down from a possible meet because of my deafness it would not bother me. I am a nice person and treat everyone with dignity. I wouldn't however take my dog on a meet but if I invited somebody back to my place then I would explain that I do have a dog. Just because I have a hearing difficulty does not make me any less of a person. There are some wonderful people here on FAB, for me it is about having fun and I don't need my ears to have that fun. Besides I am the luckiest person in the world I have a wonderful dog who is the most faithful fella in the world and cutest thing. I am sure that there are indeed people who would probably decline meeting with you because of your deafness but hey their loss.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've got a dodgy leg brace and spazzy boot (that's not at all meant derogatory) it's what my children call it and I'm awaiting more surgery.

I always mention it as its kinda hard not to miss in a social situation but I can take it off in the bedroom as long as I'm not strutting about for long or too much.............

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Maybe when arranging a meet.

Other wise its no ones business but yours.

If people need to know to make a decision to speak to you, then they may not really be worth meeting anyway.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Maybe when arranging a meet.

Other wise its no ones business but yours.

If people need to know to make a decision to speak to you, then they may not really be worth meeting anyway. "

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By *iss_tressWoman
over a year ago

London


"I believe in honesty from the outset but I am no longer putting personal details of my disabilities on my profile.

I have done this in the past and it lead to people only emailing me for further details of what they were, with no interest in me at all. Alternatively some people approached me like a piece of meat demanding to know if I could perform this way or that, so I could satisfy them before they would talk with me further.

Now I see how the conversation is going. If someone is interested in me and it seems likely that it could proceed to a meet then I tell them straight away.

The one time I didnt do this it bit me in the ass - a guy I chatted to for weeks - was going to meet - and I had to call it off because I was too ashamed of the fact I didnt match up to the normally abled women he had been with.

I have a facial prosthetic and a genetic bone disability for anyone who might wonder.

He should be the ashamed one not you!!! What's normal anyway. I hate that word with a passion. Everyone is different in their own way and should be celebrated for that not made to feel ashamed "

Why should the guy be ashamed because SHE cancelled?!!

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By *rummagem OP   Man
over a year ago

Bedworth/Nuneaton


"A myth that is firmly upheld is that disabled people are dependent and non-disabled people are independent. No one is actually independent. This is a myth perpetuated by disablism and driven by capitalism - we are all actually interdependent. Chances are, disabled or not, you don’t grow all of your food. Chances are, you didn’t build the car, bike, wheelchair, subway, shoes, or bus that transports you. Chances are you didn’t construct your home. Chances are you didn’t sew your clothing (or make the fabric and thread used to sew it). The difference between the needs that many disabled people have and the needs of people who are not labelled as disabled is that non-disabled people have had their dependencies normalized. The world has been built to accommodate certain needs and call the people who need those things independent, while other needs are considered exceptional. Each of us relies on others every day. We all rely on one another for support, resources, and to meet our needs. We are all interdependent. This interdependence is not weakness; rather, it is a part of our humanity"

All good points and pretty similar to the way I think now.

A lot of the problems in disabled people's aren't always caused by the condition but by other people attitudes or prejudices and lack of imagination and thought in design.

It's ironic in my case, as though I have a serious hearing loss, it wasn't my disability that caused problems. It was the way I managed and lived with it that was the problem. To say I wasn't a team player would be an understatement. I've always been fiercely independent with the help of a dog, and tried to get on with it in life, to the point I kept people at a distance.

I realise now that was a mistake, as people thought I didn't want them in my life or I made them feel uncomfortable.

So I've now mellowed, and have stopped trying to do everything by myself to make room for people, and let them feel comfortable being nice to me and vice versa!. .

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Be up front from the outset and let the person/s make up their minds with all the facts. Hiding anything won't do any favours at all"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I believe in honesty from the outset but I am no longer putting personal details of my disabilities on my profile.

I have done this in the past and it lead to people only emailing me for further details of what they were, with no interest in me at all. Alternatively some people approached me like a piece of meat demanding to know if I could perform this way or that, so I could satisfy them before they would talk with me further.

Now I see how the conversation is going. If someone is interested in me and it seems likely that it could proceed to a meet then I tell them straight away.

The one time I didnt do this it bit me in the ass - a guy I chatted to for weeks - was going to meet - and I had to call it off because I was too ashamed of the fact I didnt match up to the normally abled women he had been with.

I have a facial prosthetic and a genetic bone disability for anyone who might wonder.

He should be the ashamed one not you!!! What's normal anyway. I hate that word with a passion. Everyone is different in their own way and should be celebrated for that not made to feel ashamed

It's difficult though isn't it? Sometimes when I stand next to someone without a disability my confidence just disappears. Sometimes I feel like I don't compare. So it is hard to disclose at times, especially if the other persons meets are all gorgeous. But putting it on the profile isnt an option. It almost feels like people just see you as a disability when nearly every mail you get asks about it. "

You have an amazing figure. Looking at your pics makes my confidence disappear. Seriously. xx

Some people will like you and some won't. It might be due to the thing you think, but it might be something totally different. Concentrate on the people that want you for you.

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By *rummagem OP   Man
over a year ago

Bedworth/Nuneaton

[Removed by poster at 28/09/13 20:00:16]

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By *rummagem OP   Man
over a year ago

Bedworth/Nuneaton


" Besides I am the luckiest person in the world I have a wonderful dog who is the most faithful fella in the world and cutest thing. I am sure that there are indeed people who would probably decline meeting with you because of your deafness but hey their loss. "

Have decided to put the fact that I'm deaf on my profile and see what happens.

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By *rummagem OP   Man
over a year ago

Bedworth/Nuneaton


"I've got a dodgy leg brace and spazzy boot (that's not at all meant derogatory) it's what my children call it and I'm awaiting more surgery.

I always mention it as its kinda hard not to miss in a social situation but I can take it off in the bedroom as long as I'm not strutting about for long or too much.............

"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


" Besides I am the luckiest person in the world I have a wonderful dog who is the most faithful fella in the world and cutest thing. I am sure that there are indeed people who would probably decline meeting with you because of your deafness but hey their loss.

Have decided to put the fact that I'm deaf on my profile and see what happens. "

Well it would never put me off meeting someone.

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By *ucsparkMan
over a year ago

dudley


"What are people's opinions on this? If they consider themselves disabled, should people disclose their disability on their profile, or tell people when they have exchanged messages? Do they necessarily have to disclose it at all?

Naturally, bringing a working dog to a meet could give off the wrong kind of signals... "

Me personally, has put it on my profile, plain as I can. It gives people the choice. I am not ashamed that I am blind and most people understand that a disability is not a disease to catch. To me a meet is about the person you are meeting and hopefully the fun you can have together.

All I would say is be happy with yourself and honest with any meets, if they decide not to meet it their choice.

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By *inful_coupleCouple
over a year ago

Frimley


"Why should the guy be ashamed because SHE cancelled?!!"

He shouldnt. That person just got angry and didn't actually read what the post said before they got up I'm arms and ended up sounding like an idiot :D

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have epilepsy, I don't tell people I meet as I don't feel they need to know, I guess its correct to tell people if you feel people should know

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Agree with the above. It it doesn't make any difference to the 'fun' why mention it at all?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think you disclose it when it feels right. I would say the more obvious the disability the earlier you should do it. I think this would apply to the physical side of things.

Your disability is your business. You share what you want to share. But like you said... If it is something that is going to be noticed the second you meet then I would say it's advisable to disclose as early as possible.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Disclose a disability only if you wish to do so and is nobody else's business.

I can understand that if you don't disclose it then you maybe anxious about whether you will be judged. Why not iron it out with a social meet/coffee or just declare it when you are comfortable.

Physical disabilities are trickier since they are often more apparent. Mental disabilities are a different kettle of fish since long term depression can be classed as a disability and the swinging partner may not even know!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Not everyone has a right to know our intimate details, potentially not even meets. Sometimes things are on a 'need to know' basis, though I believe in honesty.

Usually we reveal ourselves bit by bit to others, not giving everything at once. Whilst it's important not to waste time - yours or potential partners, I'd probably advise you to get feedback from people that know you as well as on here. We're all going to be biased, and I care for disabled people, so have mine too.

I feel that I can't advise you too much more, as I haven't been in your company, and got a feel for how your disability affects interaction. If it's limited, then you may not have to say too much, merely mention how your issue affects communication, and see how your potential partner reacts.

Most of all, they're meeting the full person, not a caricature of a disabled person. Decent people won't care, in general."

I have a skin complaint and do disclose to folk that are considering a meet but way too many folk are shallow even in this day and age sadly which is why i do not put on profile.

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